Veni, vidi, vici, Dusseldorf. My God, what a weekend! We channeled our inner gay men at the Euroclub, listened exclusively to Eurovision entries (both current and of years gone by), ate our bodyweight in schnitzel and kebabs, danced it all off again, managed to score second row seats in the arena (!!!!), high-fived the performers as they came off stage (leather begloved Eric Saade of Sweden a personal highlight), before a mere 125 million TV viewers watched Vicki and me having a little dance to the half time ‘entertainment’. Anj also got Graham Norton to sign my inflatable yellow microphone.
Today, I am tired. But on balance, it was probably worth it for the EUROVISION AMAZINGNESS.
Here’s my additional comments about the finalists (feel free to cross reference with my semi final blurb – am sure I’ll be contradicting myself all over the shop).
Finland
As twee and awful as this looked on screen, it did work better live and didn’t inspire anything like the same levels of hatred I’d experienced during the semi final. Also, I got a glimpse of the lead smuger just before he went on and he looked like he was absolutely bricking it - his face was still ripe for a slapping, but I would probably only slap him once now. And I’d feel a bit bad about it. Also also, that giant planet on the screen behind him was actually the size of the real planet Earth, so that was also pretty impressive and completely distracted me from the blandness of the song.
Bosnia & Herzegovina
I’ll be blunt, I cannot remember the merest hint of this one.
Denmark
We had an excellent view of his naked back.
Lithuania
Still so very dull. The entire audience remained resolutely seated throughout. I spent my time wondering whether I had time to make a loo dash. (I should have just gone for it – know your audience: no queues whatsoever outside the ladies at any time.)
Hungary
Still, I would have been sad to miss this for a pee break - finally a chance to dance! The crowd were all screeching ‘what about my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife?’ in delighted unison. And her big fat turquoise ring actually lit up towards the end. ON HER FINGER.
Jedward
Our friend Nigel’s hair was dressed as Jedward and though My Lovely Jedward themselves high-fived uncle N on their way out, I’m not sure they clocked that there was anything particularly unusual about his ‘do. You don’t me to tell you this, but I will anyway – they are literally (literally) insane. Their poor mother – not one, but two adult toddlers in a constant state of overtiredness. As good as Jedward’s performance was (and it was - possibly because it didn’t require them to sing at all), my favourite moment was actually later on when they were doing continual starjumps in their booth during the results, regardless of who got the points – it must have been 20 metres up, but those boys wouldn’t let falling to their deaths live to 175 million people stop them. That’s dedication.
Sweden
I touched his glove.
Estonia
She was so very tiny in real life. I actually really liked this catchy number, but the Eurogays demonstrated limited interest - probably Estonia should have spent more of the budget on baby oil and less on cardboard cut outs of cartoon buildings. Oddly, although the song was about a road called ‘Rockerfella St’, the London Eye was featured in the backdrop. Maybe Rockerfella St is that weird industrial road behind Waterloo station which I walked down once, but have never ever, ever, found again.
Greece
Awful. It’s a testament to the utter WOW hotness of their singer that they did so well, but he was jaw dropping. There was a slightly scary moment at the end when they almost melted our faces with their fire decor (can you imagine the amount of cheap hairspray in Nigel’s Jedward hair?!?) but we came through unscathed. Apart from our ears, of course.
Russia
This was one of my favourites, but it just didn’t translate on stage. From the angle we were at it’s possible that the light up jackets lined up in the wrong order and spelled out ‘A XL E’, but hopefully they got their formation and singer’s name right for the TV cameras.
France
The first of the previously unseen Big Five (the five Western nations that fund the whole thing, so are allowed a direct pass to the final – it’s for the best, as no-one votes for them). This was also the bookies’ favourite - well YAWNISSIMO! Seriously, Corsican opera? At Eurovision? I know that lesbian power ballad won a few years ago, but opera just ain’t going to cut it at the Euroclub unless it’s undercut by a thumping techno remix - erreur d’écolier. There were postcards of tenor Amaury knocking around and he was posing in a tight red velvet three piece suit with his hair coiffed in a heavily conditioned ‘Rachel’, so I had very high hopes for his costume. Mais quelle catastrophe! Inexplicably, he opted for waxy surfer dude faux dreadlocks. No wonder he bombed in the voting - he failed to use his best weapon: the world’s shiniest nineties lady hair.
Italy
Chubby Italian piano lounge jazz? Excellent - loo break.
Switzerland
Her dress was genuinely fabulous – clearly inappropriate for this context. It was a sweet song in fact, but just not quite stadium enough to launch the crowd - though the tiny Swiss contingent did wave their flags just that little bit harder. The staging seemed to have upgraded since the semi final to include some bubbles. Woah - don’t go too crazy now guys!
United Kingdom
Although I wasn’t a fan of Blue’s shiny distressed ringmaster costumes, this was a great pop song and it went down a corker in the stadium. I high fived the lot of them as they ran out and shrieked ‘Nice one Duncan!’ before collapsing into hysterical giggles. Interestingly, up close, Antony Costa looks like a Greek Kryten.
Moldova
Actually properly brilliant, pointy hats and all. Not sure if this made the TV cut, but the lady unicyclist’s butt cheeks were properly hanging out of her tutu - big time. I guess unicycling is all about the balance, so if you can wedge yourself on a little bit...
Germany
I have never heard anything like the roar when Lena came on. To best honest, the whole thing was decidedly average, but the crowd absolutely carried it. Last year it was all paired down, which highlighted just how catchy ‘Satellite’ was. This time, they must have realised the song was fairly terrible because Lena updated last year’s LBD to a pantaloon jumpsuit (still in black though - boo), added some dancing ladies in cameltoe-tight silver hooded catsuits and went for lighting inspired by alien abductions.
Romania
Look, let’s just say that everything’s better when you’re watching from the second row. Even the shit ones.
Austria
Impressive acapella belter. Still boring. The Austrian fans had managed to smuggle some sparklers in though, so that was a fun distraction – and, fortunately, a safe seven or eight rows away from Nigel’s hair, which I a little sad to report had wilted slightly by this stage – more ‘backcombed Beethoven’ than Jedward. But still AMAZING, obviously.
Azerbaijan
Wind machine and a very impressive firework curtain. After hearing it at the semi final, the Euroclub, and through two dress rehearsals in the press centre, it’s true that the song had really grown on me. Or, more likely, ground me down. But the winner?!?! Sweden was robbed.
Slovenia
Oh come on, she was wearing a chain mail mini dress and tight PVC platform boot waders – and yet we had to dance alone to this! A travesty!
Iceland
All the comments from the UK were about how the portly man fronting this one looked like James Corden, but in fact, in the (fairly ample) flesh, he looked exactly like Ricky Gervais after a home kit attempt at blond highlights. I’m embarrassed to say that when they all rushed off stage, and Nigel lined up to high-five them, I screamed at him “GET THE FATTY! GET THE FATTY!” (He did.)
Spain
What a sweetheart, and utterly gorgeous in the flesh - she and the Greek would have astounding children. A definite fan and stadium favourite. Shame NO-ONE ELSE IN EUROPE AGREED. HUH! Not that the Spanish ever care about that – this was essentially the same entry they have put forward every year since they joined, and which I have personally loved since my dad videotaped the 1988 show for me and I watched La Década Prodigiosa, transfixed by the lady singers’ puffball skirts and fan-shaped earrings. I must have rewound and rewatched it at least fifteen billion times whilst perfecting the dance routine in our family living room. (Bloody hell, how can that be 22 years ago? I mean, I’m only 22 now. Ahem.)
Ukraine
The sand woman, Mystic Meg, was wearing this massive purple leather stick up collar and there were two holes cut in it, for her to conveniently put her hair through. WTF?! The lesson here is apparently this - if your clothes get in the way of your hair, then no need to change your clothes or put your hair up – just take some scissors to your outfit and customise. It’s a shame that no-one paid any attention to the song, because ACTUALLY it was rather nice. This doesn’t mean I don’t want a mature female high NRG pop sensation next year Kiev – I utterly insist on it.
Serbia
More groovy sixties fun, but better on TV, I think. Got a bit swallowed up by the stadium. Shame really, as I read on Go Fug Yourself that the lead singer Nina usually performs with a band called Legal Sex Department. LEGAL SEX DEPARTMENT!!!! Clearly a band who could totally rouse an arena.
Georgia
More RAWK anger, and better live – nothing like a 32,000 seater stadium to channel your rage. Awesome.
Half time Entertainment
VICKI AND I MADE THE TELLY! It was only really because the German couple next to me stood up and started to self-consciously sway to the music and I felt sorry for them, so Vix and I started some sympathy bopping. Cue a camera in our face, and three seconds of global fame!
Voting
All I’ll say is that it’s a DISGRACE that neighbours vote for each other, unless it’s the UK, in which case it’s a DISGRACE that Ireland didn’t give us 12 points. I’m looking at you too, Malta. Also, I still cannot comprehend how Italy came second – perhaps it was the thought of the bunga bunga party the Italian Eurogays would have put on in Rome next year. Terrifying. But nope, it’s Azerbaijan 2012 (cue Googlemaps meltdown as everyone rushes to see where that actually is. Answer: in Asia).
Well done Azerbaijan – your screaming desperation to win has finally been acknowledged and rewarded. “Hello Europe, this is Baku calling, we have nine hotels and institutional homophobia – it’s going to be a good one!”
Monday, 16 May 2011
Friday, 13 May 2011
2011 Semi final #2
My favourite thing of the evening was actually a man in very tight salmon shorts and a tiara jumping up and down behind the presenters. Which sets the bar high, am sure you’ll agree. And on with the show!
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Shappi Khorsandi and Joey the Lips out of The Commitments kick off with a flirtatious yodel before the hairy bear-y double bass player whips out a triangle. Ting! It goes on for a bit in a plinky plonky dirge and then there’s some synchronised slow motion waving in a line. Mmmmkaaaaay.
Austria
Slinky laydee with a vinyl bob, mega pins and excellent slinky platforms. It’s a bit karaoke, but her voice is actually not bad and she owns the night’s first key change. There’s a lot of smoke on stage, but they seem to have cleverly applied the old classic backing dancer rule: line ‘em up and stick the fat one who’s actually doing the singing on the end.
Netherlands
Well, a white dinner jacket with lace detail – FOR HIM. Jesus Christ. Horrible. And he hasn’t even bothered to wash his fringe. This is the blandest soft rock MOR ever – basically, imagine the most road-like of all roady roads and then look right at the very middle of it – that is where this song belongs. Like roadkill.
Belgium
Belgium, a country so boring I can’t even think of a boring enough metaphor. Hell, the very concept of metaphor is too interesting for Belgium. So, acapella Belgian hiphop then. Hmmmm. It’s not terrible, by Belgian standards, at least. However, Trinny & Susannah would (rightly) have something to say about those dresses on the lady Belgians. Boob tube tops are never the best shape for the curvier lady.
Slovakia
Hot female twins wail R’n’B. They look scarily like Teri Shuster out of Glee. They have massive breasts. That’s really all I have to say about them.
Ukraine
RIGHT, UKRAINE, THAT IS IT! I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I SEE THAT I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN. IF UKRAINE AREN’T GOING UPTEMPO WITH A CROTCH-LEVEL-MINI-SKIRTED MILF FRONTING THE WHOLE BLOODY THING, PREFERABLY WHILST WIELDING WHIPS OR FLAMIMG DRUM STICKS, THEN SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY EFFING WRONG! RAGE! But no, apparently, we have to suffer wailing and sand painting. I give up.
Moldova
Pointy hats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle and strobes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle and strobe and trumpets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually fairly shit.
Sweden
Just brilliant. Finally! Catchy pop song, a boyband hotty, wikkid dancing, a weird leather glove (singular) and disco climbing frames, which turn into a disco greenhouse. But of course. *This* is what I wanted from Ukraine and Greece – I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s Eurovision royals Sweden who bring it. Awesome. I predict this will be, ahem, ‘Popular’. HAHAHA – at least I amuse myself.
Cyprus
Aha – some ethnic panpipes! It had been a while, no? Our Cypriot friends appear to be in a field of giant luminous lollipops and the lady singer has managed to pluck one, which she’s now swinging around her head Olympic hammer style. As if it didn’t didn’t make any sense already, there’s a one man capoeira demonstration going on at the side and he hasn’t quite mastered the cartwheel.
Bulgaria
Well it starts with a close up of the pianist’s royal blue shoulder pads, with many black chains hanging off it, so I am SOLD. Think Marie out of Roxette, (or a thin Pink, for any younger viewers) fronting a band which includes a lady guitarist and a song wot’s funky as hell. (They’ve even nicked a riff off ‘Give It Away’ by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Talking of the Chilli Peppers, as no-one at Eurovision will be, has anyone else noticed that socks on penises isn’t a theme we’ve ever seen at Eurovij? A trick missed, perhaps).
FYR Macedonia
Contemporary dance? Really? Do we *have* to? Lead man literally cannot sing, so he’s doing that growling thing. Tom Waits he is not, however. For reasons unknown he eventually starts to growl into a megaphone and the contemporary moves morph into Riverdance – ‘cept the one on the end doesn’t seem to be doing the same moves as the others and is showing off his breakdancing skills. How embarrassing.
Israel
Hello Dana, you old trooper. That’s an interesting wicker dress you have on. If you didn’t catch her interview with Scott Mills, you missed out - she was essentially too high to talk, but when asked what inspired her to write her song ‘Ding Dong’, she simply responded “Horny”. She is fairly amazing though, working the crowd with a slinky catwalk. How unfortunate that the lyric sounds like “it’s making me hard” – she’s singing ‘high’ right? Right?!?
Slovenia
Well, I was about to condone it as a yawnfest and then I noticed that our leading lady was hoiked into a metallic slutty dress, with leather cuffs and thigh high boots. Points ahoy! Vertical stripes may not be her friend, but boy she can sing. And as Mr Cad expertly points out “there's some good wristography going on”. (Three years of Strictly and Eurovision, and I have BROUGHT HIM DOWN, MWAHAHAHA!)
Romania
“Hello is that Bucharest World of Cheese? Can I order a cheese fondue with extra cheese etc etc…” But where the heck are the jazz hands? This chintzy musical theatre number is fronted by an Englishman, so frankly he should know better than to wear stupid stripy trousers and endorse Sally Bowles-esque trumpet mimers pissing around in the background. Sigh. I think I want to smack his face, but not as much as I wanted to smack Finland’s on Tuesday. That cunt.
Estonia
They’re doing that weird doll-like/automaton thing, which always freaks me the bejesus out. Stick it in the dumper with the magic tricks, I say. Still, on the plus side, one of the back-up men has an excellent fuchsia neck ruff and the leading lady is wearing a big curtain tassel round her waist. And the song is as catchy as something that’s very catchy. Like a hang nail. Or herpes.
Belarus
Oooh, hello gimmicks – fire! A xylophone! Light up mic stands! Good, good, good! Also, Belarus in pretty singer shocker! They have put forward some seriously hairy munters in the past – and that’s just the women (BOOM BOOM). This is a ridiculous song, obviously, but I quite like it. I wonder what moved them to call their song ‘I love Belarus’? Amazing how a dictatorship inspires such devotion.
Latvia
Fronted by a perma-tanned chunky Barrowman. The whitest rapping I have ever heard. But worst of all, it’s called Angel in Disguise and they didn’t even bloody have one on stage! An opportunity truly missed. Mind you two of the backing ladies were a little hefty, so might have been men in disguise – it was hard to tell.
Denmark
Predictably boring and not even the quiff and leather trousers can save it. AND THEN HE RUNS AROUND LIKE A NUTJOB AND REVEALS THAT HIS TOP IS BACKLESS. DOUZE POINTS!
Jedward
Best shoulderpads of the night. Remarkably understated.
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Shappi Khorsandi and Joey the Lips out of The Commitments kick off with a flirtatious yodel before the hairy bear-y double bass player whips out a triangle. Ting! It goes on for a bit in a plinky plonky dirge and then there’s some synchronised slow motion waving in a line. Mmmmkaaaaay.
Austria
Slinky laydee with a vinyl bob, mega pins and excellent slinky platforms. It’s a bit karaoke, but her voice is actually not bad and she owns the night’s first key change. There’s a lot of smoke on stage, but they seem to have cleverly applied the old classic backing dancer rule: line ‘em up and stick the fat one who’s actually doing the singing on the end.
Netherlands
Well, a white dinner jacket with lace detail – FOR HIM. Jesus Christ. Horrible. And he hasn’t even bothered to wash his fringe. This is the blandest soft rock MOR ever – basically, imagine the most road-like of all roady roads and then look right at the very middle of it – that is where this song belongs. Like roadkill.
Belgium
Belgium, a country so boring I can’t even think of a boring enough metaphor. Hell, the very concept of metaphor is too interesting for Belgium. So, acapella Belgian hiphop then. Hmmmm. It’s not terrible, by Belgian standards, at least. However, Trinny & Susannah would (rightly) have something to say about those dresses on the lady Belgians. Boob tube tops are never the best shape for the curvier lady.
Slovakia
Hot female twins wail R’n’B. They look scarily like Teri Shuster out of Glee. They have massive breasts. That’s really all I have to say about them.
Ukraine
RIGHT, UKRAINE, THAT IS IT! I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I SEE THAT I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN. IF UKRAINE AREN’T GOING UPTEMPO WITH A CROTCH-LEVEL-MINI-SKIRTED MILF FRONTING THE WHOLE BLOODY THING, PREFERABLY WHILST WIELDING WHIPS OR FLAMIMG DRUM STICKS, THEN SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY EFFING WRONG! RAGE! But no, apparently, we have to suffer wailing and sand painting. I give up.
Moldova
Pointy hats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle and strobes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle and strobe and trumpets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually fairly shit.
Sweden
Just brilliant. Finally! Catchy pop song, a boyband hotty, wikkid dancing, a weird leather glove (singular) and disco climbing frames, which turn into a disco greenhouse. But of course. *This* is what I wanted from Ukraine and Greece – I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s Eurovision royals Sweden who bring it. Awesome. I predict this will be, ahem, ‘Popular’. HAHAHA – at least I amuse myself.
Cyprus
Aha – some ethnic panpipes! It had been a while, no? Our Cypriot friends appear to be in a field of giant luminous lollipops and the lady singer has managed to pluck one, which she’s now swinging around her head Olympic hammer style. As if it didn’t didn’t make any sense already, there’s a one man capoeira demonstration going on at the side and he hasn’t quite mastered the cartwheel.
Bulgaria
Well it starts with a close up of the pianist’s royal blue shoulder pads, with many black chains hanging off it, so I am SOLD. Think Marie out of Roxette, (or a thin Pink, for any younger viewers) fronting a band which includes a lady guitarist and a song wot’s funky as hell. (They’ve even nicked a riff off ‘Give It Away’ by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Talking of the Chilli Peppers, as no-one at Eurovision will be, has anyone else noticed that socks on penises isn’t a theme we’ve ever seen at Eurovij? A trick missed, perhaps).
FYR Macedonia
Contemporary dance? Really? Do we *have* to? Lead man literally cannot sing, so he’s doing that growling thing. Tom Waits he is not, however. For reasons unknown he eventually starts to growl into a megaphone and the contemporary moves morph into Riverdance – ‘cept the one on the end doesn’t seem to be doing the same moves as the others and is showing off his breakdancing skills. How embarrassing.
Israel
Hello Dana, you old trooper. That’s an interesting wicker dress you have on. If you didn’t catch her interview with Scott Mills, you missed out - she was essentially too high to talk, but when asked what inspired her to write her song ‘Ding Dong’, she simply responded “Horny”. She is fairly amazing though, working the crowd with a slinky catwalk. How unfortunate that the lyric sounds like “it’s making me hard” – she’s singing ‘high’ right? Right?!?
Slovenia
Well, I was about to condone it as a yawnfest and then I noticed that our leading lady was hoiked into a metallic slutty dress, with leather cuffs and thigh high boots. Points ahoy! Vertical stripes may not be her friend, but boy she can sing. And as Mr Cad expertly points out “there's some good wristography going on”. (Three years of Strictly and Eurovision, and I have BROUGHT HIM DOWN, MWAHAHAHA!)
Romania
“Hello is that Bucharest World of Cheese? Can I order a cheese fondue with extra cheese etc etc…” But where the heck are the jazz hands? This chintzy musical theatre number is fronted by an Englishman, so frankly he should know better than to wear stupid stripy trousers and endorse Sally Bowles-esque trumpet mimers pissing around in the background. Sigh. I think I want to smack his face, but not as much as I wanted to smack Finland’s on Tuesday. That cunt.
Estonia
They’re doing that weird doll-like/automaton thing, which always freaks me the bejesus out. Stick it in the dumper with the magic tricks, I say. Still, on the plus side, one of the back-up men has an excellent fuchsia neck ruff and the leading lady is wearing a big curtain tassel round her waist. And the song is as catchy as something that’s very catchy. Like a hang nail. Or herpes.
Belarus
Oooh, hello gimmicks – fire! A xylophone! Light up mic stands! Good, good, good! Also, Belarus in pretty singer shocker! They have put forward some seriously hairy munters in the past – and that’s just the women (BOOM BOOM). This is a ridiculous song, obviously, but I quite like it. I wonder what moved them to call their song ‘I love Belarus’? Amazing how a dictatorship inspires such devotion.
Latvia
Fronted by a perma-tanned chunky Barrowman. The whitest rapping I have ever heard. But worst of all, it’s called Angel in Disguise and they didn’t even bloody have one on stage! An opportunity truly missed. Mind you two of the backing ladies were a little hefty, so might have been men in disguise – it was hard to tell.
Denmark
Predictably boring and not even the quiff and leather trousers can save it. AND THEN HE RUNS AROUND LIKE A NUTJOB AND REVEALS THAT HIS TOP IS BACKLESS. DOUZE POINTS!
Jedward
Best shoulderpads of the night. Remarkably understated.
Thursday, 12 May 2011
2011 Semi final # 1: results
Through are: Serbia (GOOD!); Lithuania (BALLAD!); Greece (REALLY?); Azerbaijan (MEH); Georgia (OK!) Switzerland (RICH ENOUGH TO HOST IT NEXT YEAR!); Hungary (TURQUOISE!); Finland (FUCK); Russia (OIL!) and Iceland (NOT HOMOEROTIC ENOUGH!)
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
2011 Semi final #1
Poland
And we’re off, with an explosion of white lycra and an excellent demonstration of that fabric’s versatility; 70s throwback suits for the lady backing singers, Beyoncé's Single Lady leotards for the dancers, and, best of all, a heavy metal-inspired ice skater costume for the lead singer (indecently short with metal studs all over her white lycra-ed boobies). If only she could sing. At least she can shriek. All in all, too much and yet not enough.
Norway
Backers in red satin and funky lady singer in gold playsuit with the largest gold ruff on her derrière – we can all understand why Vogue so frequently looks to Oslo for inspiration. The ‘haba haba’ refrain is catchy enough – I think it’s trying to be that novelty summer hit that will eventually drive a sane person to violence and murder, but about three months too early and not on heavy rotation in an Ibizan beach bar. Still Trondheim World of Cheese will probably purchase a copy. I’ll get that fiddler Rybek to put a word in.
Albania
Bridget Nielsen with red hair and, rather unadvisedly, a pink dress. She’s asking us to ‘Feel The Passion’, but I’m rather too distracted by her leathery décolletage – she’s tried to smoother it in glitter, but I’m afraid that can’t hide a few too many trips to Tirana Tan Booth. On the plus side, she’s the second singer wearing studs (in classic leather bracelet form), so that’s a Eurovij 2011 theme right there! Another theme is apparently terrible tuning and an inability to sing well.
Armenia
This year Armenia opt to dress their songstress as a sexy Father Christmas and have her walk out of a giant boxing glove. Oh I seeeeeeee - it’s a sexy boxer she’s supposed to be. Boom boom. (That’s the name of the song, by the way, but it does also helpfully illustrate a weak punchline.) Anyway, sexy Father Christmas strips to reveal ANOTHER studded white lycra iceskater dress. Boom boom shaka shaka! - as precisely no-one will still be singing.
Turkey
Turkey love their metal, don’t they? This year they’ve offered up a butch bald Jack Black-alike in daring tight green trousers, fronting an old skool heavy metal band – all sweat and hair (my favourite one has a brilliant tufty beard). Anyway, so as to not alienate the Eurovision audience, who might not appreciate all that guitariness, they’ve cleverly added a distracting lady contortionist in a globe cage. Mind you, on closer inspection, this actually sounds a little Abba-esque – I was just fooled by the band’s perms and facial tuft. At the end Jack Black pulls on a rope and a man dressed as bird appears. But of course. No idea what happened to the contortionist.
Serbia
Oooh, me rather likee. As many sixties clichés as you can fit in one number – fortunately minus Austin Powers, but including bold coloured tights and gallons of white eyeliner, daddio. But it’s all very groovy baby and our Serbian Twiggy can actually sing in tune and EVERYTHING. Also, massive bonus points for singing in your native tongue, love (unless that was English and her accent is even weirder than Lena’s).
Russia
It always amazes me that Russia don’t opt to be part of the Big Four/Five, then I remember that all the ex-USSRers wouldn't dare not vote them through. ANYWAY, 90s boyband explosion on scene – nice to see the choreographer who put Take That in studded pleather and got them to mop each others’ bums with jelly has found reemployment. It also starts out with our blondino screaming “DO YOU FEEL MY HEART EUROPE!” I don’t, comrade, but there’s nothing like a heavily accented nonsensical shout-out to get me on board. It’s a catchy pop number, but the main joy is that Russia haven't opted for a pretentious, overblown, droning ballad. Also of note: leather jackets which LIGHT UP AT THE BACK!
Switzerland
A Swiss miss who looks like a cross between Mila Jovovich and Marilyn from Home and Away does the first pared down number – just a simple girl and her acoustic band, cause it’s all about the music, you see. Ha! They do try to spice it up with a few shots of a not-unattractive double bass player and an unexpected use of the BBC’s 1988 weather cloud symbol on the big LED screen behind, but they can’t shake the obvious - this is pretty dull. Where Eurovision is concerned, it would advisable for Switzerland to avoid neutral - draw on your other influences, guys – I can see a great number making use of cuckoo clocks and Nazi gold.
Georgia
Now that’s better – Georgia are using the giant LED screen to create a church setting – all gothic and vampiric. How very Twilight. Serious fashion points here - the lady singer has sown a lime green sofa cushion on to the front of her skirt and, if that weren’t enough, the band are all sporting matching shoulder pads (*prays that will develop into a theme*). In addition, her voice actually has some power and the song includes surprise rapping with LADY RAPPING INTERVENTION. It may be a nu-metal throwback, but ye Gods, I quite like this one.
Finland
Hansel minus Gretel. Just him and his guitar, which frankly I’d like to shove right up his priggish little... Excuse me. But come on people - what a smug twat. He has a face made for smacking. His song is all about saving the planet and, frankly, it makes me want to charter the biggest fuck-off jumbo jet to Brazil and immediately start mowing down the entire rainforest, or, worse, go to Sainsbury’s and buy fruit exclusively grown in New Zealand. Take that, Al Gore.
Malta
Huh? Malta aren't putting forward a hefty momma belting out a ballad this year? Really? Poor Ciara – I imagine she’s consoling herself with a vat of ice cream and diva-esque thoughts of revenge. Nope, instead of lady lungs they’ve gone for the campest Malteser man they could find. He’s the terrifying spit of Frank Sidebottom and has the most over-plucked and Vaselined eyebrows I have ever seen. So, Mr Malta has insisted on PVC clad backing dancers (think Edna Mode in Gestapo chic) and his backing dancers may or may not be voguing man twins – either way, they finish with a stretched squat pose, so kudos. Am also awarding points for the first key change of the night – hurrah! Ultimately, though, Eurovij veteran Paddy O’Connell tweets it better than I ever could: “grindr may overload in the dusseldorf press centre”. Quite.
San Marino
Welcome San Marino! Is your country even big enough fit all the Eurogays should you win? The likelihood of victory seems low, mind, they’ve chosen a MILFy fox in a slinky and tasteful dress to front some dirge-by-numbers. *sigh*. Still, on the plus side, until now, we had gone ten songs without a ballad. I mean, I call them 'songs'...
Croatia
Magic is like clowns, I always think, bit eighties, faintly scary and ultimately unnecessary. And magic is the main theme here, as a Croatian Noel Fielding in a top hat, who appears to be both magician and DJ, creepily tries to seduce the blonde lead using his conjuror’s skill. Horrible. His main trick seems to be to lure lady singer into a hoop covered in streamers and get her dress to go from black to pink – this should impress, but, to be honest, I was too busy reaching for the remote control to turn her atrocious screeching down. Honestly, we’ve heard some BAD singers this semi, but this one takes the other terrible voices to a new level – she is AWFUL.
Iceland
Aha - Icelandic men in matching waistcoats and jeans. Like a half dressed barbershop quartet, only there’s six of them and they have musical instruments. One of them is fat. That’s basically it. I tried pretending there was some serious homoerotic tension between the portly one and the pianist, in a desperate attempt to make this interesting, but it didn’t work.
(At this point on BBC3, Blue were interviewed and managed to promote smoking. Brilliant. May you never be media trained Lee Ryan.)
Hungary
My God, what a terrifying lady! She’s a, er, mature blonde, wearing one-sleeved turquoise silk, with MASSIVE hair, a MASSIVE voice and a MASSIVE ring. On her finger. At first I thought she was about to launch into “and I'm your laaaaaaaaaaady” and go all power ballad on us, but then she started on about ‘life’ and it took an unexpected turn into tampax ad territory. At one point, given the previous acts, it struck me that her ability to just sing in tune was sufficient and there was no real need for the mime artists doing rubbish jumps behind her. Then they all turned out to be wearing LED clothes and I remembered that gimmicks are key. Well done Hungary. Also – a second appearance for costumes that light up! For me, two appearances a theme makes. Excellent.
Portugal
Tonight Matthew, Portugal will be the village people and the Scooby gang on a demo wielding flower power signs in a multitude of languages. It was utterly bonkerthon. I got quite into it to be honest.
Lithuania
Musical theatre by a brunette Katherine Jenkins who’s enjoyed a few pies in her time – good for her. I was transfixed by her smile – that type of grin is only achieved after YEARS of dedicated training at stage school. She also had fins on the bottom of her dress – what’s that about? No idea. It might have been an attempt at distraction from the dullness of the song. Un-unforgettable. I.e., forgettable.
Azerbaijan
The retch of desperation to win this is always so strong when Azerbaijan come on. So here we go again. Pretty girl, big hair, evening gown, yadda yadda yadda – she and her dancers start off in a queue and do that tried and tested ‘flailing bird’ move that makes the one at the front look like she has sixteen arms – this is what you have to resort to when you can’t afford a real bird costume. But what do you expect - they blew last year’s budget on a pimped up stepladder and these are cautious economic times. Still, they seem to have beg, borrowed or stolen a very powerful wind machine, which is always admirable. Oh dear, turns out this is a Keane-like duet. He wants to snog her. She doesn’t – she’s noticed he has a potato nose.
Greece
A promising dramatic opening scene immediately gives way to tedious serious hip hop combined with traditional folk – guys, we’ve been here before and it NEVER works. Yes, it’s performed by total fitties, but the problem is this: I CAN’T DANCE TO THIS SHIT. Hell, even the professionals can’t dance to this shit. Still, all my sympathies to Greece – they had no choice but to go all My Lovely Horse on this contest’s ass. Come back next year with your usual excessively unbuttoned white shirts and crazeballs dance routines please. Thank you bye.
And we’re off, with an explosion of white lycra and an excellent demonstration of that fabric’s versatility; 70s throwback suits for the lady backing singers, Beyoncé's Single Lady leotards for the dancers, and, best of all, a heavy metal-inspired ice skater costume for the lead singer (indecently short with metal studs all over her white lycra-ed boobies). If only she could sing. At least she can shriek. All in all, too much and yet not enough.
Norway
Backers in red satin and funky lady singer in gold playsuit with the largest gold ruff on her derrière – we can all understand why Vogue so frequently looks to Oslo for inspiration. The ‘haba haba’ refrain is catchy enough – I think it’s trying to be that novelty summer hit that will eventually drive a sane person to violence and murder, but about three months too early and not on heavy rotation in an Ibizan beach bar. Still Trondheim World of Cheese will probably purchase a copy. I’ll get that fiddler Rybek to put a word in.
Albania
Bridget Nielsen with red hair and, rather unadvisedly, a pink dress. She’s asking us to ‘Feel The Passion’, but I’m rather too distracted by her leathery décolletage – she’s tried to smoother it in glitter, but I’m afraid that can’t hide a few too many trips to Tirana Tan Booth. On the plus side, she’s the second singer wearing studs (in classic leather bracelet form), so that’s a Eurovij 2011 theme right there! Another theme is apparently terrible tuning and an inability to sing well.
Armenia
This year Armenia opt to dress their songstress as a sexy Father Christmas and have her walk out of a giant boxing glove. Oh I seeeeeeee - it’s a sexy boxer she’s supposed to be. Boom boom. (That’s the name of the song, by the way, but it does also helpfully illustrate a weak punchline.) Anyway, sexy Father Christmas strips to reveal ANOTHER studded white lycra iceskater dress. Boom boom shaka shaka! - as precisely no-one will still be singing.
Turkey
Turkey love their metal, don’t they? This year they’ve offered up a butch bald Jack Black-alike in daring tight green trousers, fronting an old skool heavy metal band – all sweat and hair (my favourite one has a brilliant tufty beard). Anyway, so as to not alienate the Eurovision audience, who might not appreciate all that guitariness, they’ve cleverly added a distracting lady contortionist in a globe cage. Mind you, on closer inspection, this actually sounds a little Abba-esque – I was just fooled by the band’s perms and facial tuft. At the end Jack Black pulls on a rope and a man dressed as bird appears. But of course. No idea what happened to the contortionist.
Serbia
Oooh, me rather likee. As many sixties clichés as you can fit in one number – fortunately minus Austin Powers, but including bold coloured tights and gallons of white eyeliner, daddio. But it’s all very groovy baby and our Serbian Twiggy can actually sing in tune and EVERYTHING. Also, massive bonus points for singing in your native tongue, love (unless that was English and her accent is even weirder than Lena’s).
Russia
It always amazes me that Russia don’t opt to be part of the Big Four/Five, then I remember that all the ex-USSRers wouldn't dare not vote them through. ANYWAY, 90s boyband explosion on scene – nice to see the choreographer who put Take That in studded pleather and got them to mop each others’ bums with jelly has found reemployment. It also starts out with our blondino screaming “DO YOU FEEL MY HEART EUROPE!” I don’t, comrade, but there’s nothing like a heavily accented nonsensical shout-out to get me on board. It’s a catchy pop number, but the main joy is that Russia haven't opted for a pretentious, overblown, droning ballad. Also of note: leather jackets which LIGHT UP AT THE BACK!
Switzerland
A Swiss miss who looks like a cross between Mila Jovovich and Marilyn from Home and Away does the first pared down number – just a simple girl and her acoustic band, cause it’s all about the music, you see. Ha! They do try to spice it up with a few shots of a not-unattractive double bass player and an unexpected use of the BBC’s 1988 weather cloud symbol on the big LED screen behind, but they can’t shake the obvious - this is pretty dull. Where Eurovision is concerned, it would advisable for Switzerland to avoid neutral - draw on your other influences, guys – I can see a great number making use of cuckoo clocks and Nazi gold.
Georgia
Now that’s better – Georgia are using the giant LED screen to create a church setting – all gothic and vampiric. How very Twilight. Serious fashion points here - the lady singer has sown a lime green sofa cushion on to the front of her skirt and, if that weren’t enough, the band are all sporting matching shoulder pads (*prays that will develop into a theme*). In addition, her voice actually has some power and the song includes surprise rapping with LADY RAPPING INTERVENTION. It may be a nu-metal throwback, but ye Gods, I quite like this one.
Finland
Hansel minus Gretel. Just him and his guitar, which frankly I’d like to shove right up his priggish little... Excuse me. But come on people - what a smug twat. He has a face made for smacking. His song is all about saving the planet and, frankly, it makes me want to charter the biggest fuck-off jumbo jet to Brazil and immediately start mowing down the entire rainforest, or, worse, go to Sainsbury’s and buy fruit exclusively grown in New Zealand. Take that, Al Gore.
Malta
Huh? Malta aren't putting forward a hefty momma belting out a ballad this year? Really? Poor Ciara – I imagine she’s consoling herself with a vat of ice cream and diva-esque thoughts of revenge. Nope, instead of lady lungs they’ve gone for the campest Malteser man they could find. He’s the terrifying spit of Frank Sidebottom and has the most over-plucked and Vaselined eyebrows I have ever seen. So, Mr Malta has insisted on PVC clad backing dancers (think Edna Mode in Gestapo chic) and his backing dancers may or may not be voguing man twins – either way, they finish with a stretched squat pose, so kudos. Am also awarding points for the first key change of the night – hurrah! Ultimately, though, Eurovij veteran Paddy O’Connell tweets it better than I ever could: “grindr may overload in the dusseldorf press centre”. Quite.
San Marino
Welcome San Marino! Is your country even big enough fit all the Eurogays should you win? The likelihood of victory seems low, mind, they’ve chosen a MILFy fox in a slinky and tasteful dress to front some dirge-by-numbers. *sigh*. Still, on the plus side, until now, we had gone ten songs without a ballad. I mean, I call them 'songs'...
Croatia
Magic is like clowns, I always think, bit eighties, faintly scary and ultimately unnecessary. And magic is the main theme here, as a Croatian Noel Fielding in a top hat, who appears to be both magician and DJ, creepily tries to seduce the blonde lead using his conjuror’s skill. Horrible. His main trick seems to be to lure lady singer into a hoop covered in streamers and get her dress to go from black to pink – this should impress, but, to be honest, I was too busy reaching for the remote control to turn her atrocious screeching down. Honestly, we’ve heard some BAD singers this semi, but this one takes the other terrible voices to a new level – she is AWFUL.
Iceland
Aha - Icelandic men in matching waistcoats and jeans. Like a half dressed barbershop quartet, only there’s six of them and they have musical instruments. One of them is fat. That’s basically it. I tried pretending there was some serious homoerotic tension between the portly one and the pianist, in a desperate attempt to make this interesting, but it didn’t work.
(At this point on BBC3, Blue were interviewed and managed to promote smoking. Brilliant. May you never be media trained Lee Ryan.)
Hungary
My God, what a terrifying lady! She’s a, er, mature blonde, wearing one-sleeved turquoise silk, with MASSIVE hair, a MASSIVE voice and a MASSIVE ring. On her finger. At first I thought she was about to launch into “and I'm your laaaaaaaaaaady” and go all power ballad on us, but then she started on about ‘life’ and it took an unexpected turn into tampax ad territory. At one point, given the previous acts, it struck me that her ability to just sing in tune was sufficient and there was no real need for the mime artists doing rubbish jumps behind her. Then they all turned out to be wearing LED clothes and I remembered that gimmicks are key. Well done Hungary. Also – a second appearance for costumes that light up! For me, two appearances a theme makes. Excellent.
Portugal
Tonight Matthew, Portugal will be the village people and the Scooby gang on a demo wielding flower power signs in a multitude of languages. It was utterly bonkerthon. I got quite into it to be honest.
Lithuania
Musical theatre by a brunette Katherine Jenkins who’s enjoyed a few pies in her time – good for her. I was transfixed by her smile – that type of grin is only achieved after YEARS of dedicated training at stage school. She also had fins on the bottom of her dress – what’s that about? No idea. It might have been an attempt at distraction from the dullness of the song. Un-unforgettable. I.e., forgettable.
Azerbaijan
The retch of desperation to win this is always so strong when Azerbaijan come on. So here we go again. Pretty girl, big hair, evening gown, yadda yadda yadda – she and her dancers start off in a queue and do that tried and tested ‘flailing bird’ move that makes the one at the front look like she has sixteen arms – this is what you have to resort to when you can’t afford a real bird costume. But what do you expect - they blew last year’s budget on a pimped up stepladder and these are cautious economic times. Still, they seem to have beg, borrowed or stolen a very powerful wind machine, which is always admirable. Oh dear, turns out this is a Keane-like duet. He wants to snog her. She doesn’t – she’s noticed he has a potato nose.
Greece
A promising dramatic opening scene immediately gives way to tedious serious hip hop combined with traditional folk – guys, we’ve been here before and it NEVER works. Yes, it’s performed by total fitties, but the problem is this: I CAN’T DANCE TO THIS SHIT. Hell, even the professionals can’t dance to this shit. Still, all my sympathies to Greece – they had no choice but to go all My Lovely Horse on this contest’s ass. Come back next year with your usual excessively unbuttoned white shirts and crazeballs dance routines please. Thank you bye.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
2010 Semi final #2
Well, I’m sure I’m not the only Eurovision fan to think that was a disappointing semi (though fortunately not in the context of getting Boyko the Bulgarian backing dancer back to one’s hotel room and finding him a little drunker than initially feared - as I’m sure some other fans will have experienced).
Just far too many insipid, forgettable ballads and not enough hilariously imaginative staging, crazy costume changes and insane camp dance routines. So boo to all that! Come on Europe, up your game! It’s almost as if you thought it was a song contest?
Well then, as everyone but Boyko would say – on with the show!
Lithuania: At least this rather lovely aging boyband have the right idea. They kick off an uptempo number (yay! For the record, points tonight will be essentially awarded for NOT BEING A BALLAD), using mime to denote instruments (bet there were catfights over who’d get to play the air flute), wearing tight tops and tartan trousers. Hmmm, I wonder what will happen to them by the end of the song? It’s funky, but quite knowing and somehow it’s a little too – and this is not a buzz word you usually hear at Eurovision – professional. *shudders*. Still, we like it enough, and then we LOVE it, as they predictably rip off their trews to reveal tiny sequined silver pants, and get down to some serious bum wiggling.
Armenia: Ballad #1 and already I’m zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The song is called Apricot Stone, so they’ve put a massive apricot stone on stage – GEDDIT? It’s rubbish – it looks like a big orange pouffe. Meanwhile, an Armenian Angelina Jolie in half dress, half jeans, pouts away, doing that breathy wailing thing, relying on some serious pushed-up bra action for support (ha!). I have to admit, they are (both) quite something – I haven’t seen cleavage definition like that since Eva Herzigova caused traffic chaos throughout middle England soliciting hellos for her boys… And fortunately Angie’s breasts are mostly enough to distract audience members from a terrifying Maradona-alike doing contemporary dance leaps, about to suffer a groin strain.
Israel: Ballad #2 and oh God please make it stop already, noooooooo etc. Attractive man black suit slow song so sad so emotional overacting fists clenched bum clenched blah blah blah there we go strings kick in inevitable loud wailing bit more yelling etc etc etc crowd go nuts I’m off to get pizza. AWFUL.
(P.S. I’m not sure, as I was quite busy shouting ‘END THIS NOW’ at the TV, but the lyrics might have been “something something something Yitzhak Rabin”. To be confirmed.)
Denmark: Well, they’ve cranked up the dry ice machine, which is always promising, but sadly we have to suffer a rock-ballad-love-duet void of any chemistry, despite best efforts to create sexual tension by separating him (eighties man) and her (nineties woman – hellooooo BOTOX) with the use of a) a shadow screen and b) a two-direction conveyor belt. You’d have thought that all that machinery-aided gimmickry would help, but it’s still a shocker and there was so much on-stage clutter that they had actually to run to another part of the stage to get to where they’d plonked the wind machine. Mind you, I quite liked that bit.
Switzerland: I’ll declare an interest here. Not the singing in French, though *obviously* there are always bonus points available for use of native language (point of debate though, should it only count if Switzerland use all three?). No, I’m biased because Swiss singing man was interviewed on the BBC on Tuesday and he was effing hilarious - all coy-camp, totally out-flirting Sarah Cawood and promising to perform covered in gold body paint if he made the final. He didn’t here and the song was an instantly forgettable mid-tempo disco number (in French), but it was at least a 1,000,000% better than what came before.
Sweden: COME ON SWEDEN, YE EUROVISION GODS, HOPES ARE HIGH! OK, female popstrel – check. Blonde – check. Pretty – check. Singing about ‘my life’ – CHECK! Hang on, what’s that? An acoustic guitar? She’s playing… a guitar… Huh? What? Where are the lamé-clad backing dancers and the techno beat? Does. Not. Compute... It’s quite nice, really, and – surprising from a Swede - we get to play mock-the-foreigner, when she sings “Strike an i-ron and attack my soul”. Bless.
Azerbaijan: Ballad number… oh I’ve lost count, and the will to live. This is the bookies’ favourite, and Azerbaijan have gone all out to win – getting a well-known Swedish songwriter to pen the thing and Beyoncé choreographer to stage it. That particular contribution seems to have been to put the lady-singer in a hundred inch heels and make her walk down a neon-stepladder. “And that will be a billion dollars please - or your GDP, whichever’s more accessible.” Needless to say, this is shit. I can’t even get excited by her lacy electric blue half-glove. Please, Europe, please don’t let this win. *sobs*.
Ukraine: So traditionally Ukraine are pretty much always my favourites – I don’t need to explain why - their back catalogue is exemplary. I mean, who could forget last year’s use of thigh high boots and lady-drumming? But this… this… this I hated from the very first guitar strum. Now I realise that that may seem a little premature, but I am a woman of principles, and the principle is this: if Ukraine don’t pull out a variation on the theme of leather bikini tops/mini skirts, furry waistcoats/boots, superlative whip choreography and female-led percussion, then it is unutterable garbage. This is no place for an acoustic guitar! Poor Ruslana – what must she be thinking? Her legacy - DESTROYED!!!!!!
Netherlands: in its defence – it’s not a ballad and it was written by Papa Smurf. I think this was supposed to be an homage to old skool Eurovision and Holland’s attempt to recreate the successes of time when being in western Europe didn’t automatically negate Euro-domination. Effort is all well and good, but the sad reality is that fully grown humans pretending to be doll-like automations is always creepy and a Dutch Karren Brady repeatedly singing “sha-la-lie” over a hurdy-gurdy is just very rubbish.
Romania: Now *this* is more like it! There’s a transparent double-piano with LED legs on stage! (Like Dr Doolittle’s push-me-pull-you, only with keyboards rather than llama heads. But of course.) Ooh yes, this is catchy. Gentleman-pianist is pretty non-descript, but who cares, as lady-pianist is a total fox - that is one tight’n’shiny black PVC catsuit. My oh my, she’s going to have to be mighty careful when she peels herself off that piano stool. Oh and there you go! Up they get to dance to the last third of the song – a welcome twist on the Westlife school of getting off your stool after the bridge, to add ‘poignancy’. Any remaining doubters should also note they also have backing dancers with bustles and real life fire on stage. In conclusion, hell yeah – high fives all round! (NB: Ukraine take heed - that’s what I wanted from you, only with more drums, some whips, and a cage.)
Slovenia: This is *weird* - and that’s by Eurovision standards. It’s a mash up of an accordion-based folk number and “Tonight Matthew I’ll be doing ‘Your Love Is Like Bad Medicine’”, in which Jon Bon Jovi serenades a young girl in red poncho over what I can only hope is Slovenian traditional dress. We’re all glad it’s not a ballad, but there’s no two ways about it – it’s awful.
Ireland: Former winner Niamh Kavanagh (class of ‘93) steps up and before she’s even opened her mouth the audience go nuts. They LURVE her – and we do too. In this context, the ballad (specifically the overblown, pan-pipe heavy, dignified Celtic ballad) has its rightful place. Awesome. Big hair, wind machine, modulation – this is how it’s done. Or at least, was, in the nineties. As a T-shirt in the crowd proclaims “Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1993.”
Bulgaria: Now I know I’m anti-ballad, but irritatingly, Romania aside, the up tempo numbers aren’t doing much to ease the pain. This performance does employ angel wings, but they didn’t grow out of a dress halfway through the performance, so that’s a waste of time. It’s always nice to see a white leather jacket and a touch-your-toes V jump, but it’s a bad sign when those are the highlights. Sluttiest-dressed dancers of the evening though, so well done for that Bulgaria. No wonder Boyko gets lucky.
Cyprus: What’s that? The Cypriot entry is fronted by a Welsh guy with band members from Scotland and England? Hmmm… *strokes chin*… I smell desperate times and desperate measures – this is clearly a surreptitious attempt at UK victory under the guise of a more palatable country. It has to be - how else can you explain the purpose of Josh ‘Charisma Vacuum’ Dubovie and that JOKE of a song Waterman clearly found at the bottom of old bin bag marked ‘Not even fit for the Reynolds Girls’ (at least Webber took it seriously – he got Putin on board, FFS.)? I’m convinced it’s all an elaborate strategy – à la Father Ted and My Lovely Horse -, divert UK’s support away (err that would be Greece and Ireland then), because no-one would actually be insane enough to vote for the bullcrap we’ve put forward - and help Cyprus win – that way we get the glory and we don’t have to pay for London to host it next year! It’s a rubbish tactic, of course, but I literally can’t see any other explanation for ‘That Sounds Good To Me’.
Croatia: Back to ballads – and what a load of ballads this one is as well. Three ladies this time – former losers Feminem – wailing in not-quite-unison and wearing those tacky dresses that have big trains at the back, but are short at the front; “It’s like classy at the back, but sexy at the front”. No, Feminem, it’s like gross at the back and hideous at the front.
On a completely unrelated note, ‘Apricot Stone’ right is trending on Twitter at this point, which is amazing really, seeing as that song was a) rubbish and b) about twelve performances ago.
Georgia: This was probably one of the better ballads, but that’s a bit like saying I would rather eat live beetles than live spiders. It starts with the leading lady pushing two of her male dancers towards her groin, which is wishful thinking on her part, if you ask me. That’s borne out by the subsequent homoerotic dance routine, where there’s a lot of man-on-man grappling and the men throw each other around the stage – the acrobatics seem pretty good, but, inexplicably, the Norwegian cameras are focused on the attractive Georgian girl. Go figure.
Turkey: Drums! Scratching! Bass! RAWK! It’s all very nu-metal – apart from the page boy looks of the lead singer, but we’ll skirt over that. The band rocks out and somewhere in the background a female Robocop welds (metal), then strips (off her clothes). This will completely win over all 13-15 year old boys, who, combined, make up precisely 0% of the total Eurovision viewing base. But there is something kind of brilliant about that.
And, that, my friends, is that. Thank GOD it’s over. Honestly. I feel drained! Someone get Boyko and me a drink.
So Armenia, Israel, Denmark (WTF), Azerbaijan, Ukraine(?!?!??) and Georgia though (boooooo), as are Romania, Ireland, Cyprus and Turkey (not boo). The Lithuanians and their pants woz robbed – apparently by the Norwegian presenter, who closed the show wearing a pair of sequined boxers himself, which was hilarious, and utterly restated our faith in the Eurovision dream. Dirge aside, I CANNOT WAIT FOR SATURDAY! In a perfect world, Greece, Romania or Iceland would win. As for who will win…. Well. Tough one, but I’m going to call Armenia or Israel, though Belgium might do well. It’s all so exciting!!! xoxo
Additional reporting by Victoria Bryan
Just far too many insipid, forgettable ballads and not enough hilariously imaginative staging, crazy costume changes and insane camp dance routines. So boo to all that! Come on Europe, up your game! It’s almost as if you thought it was a song contest?
Well then, as everyone but Boyko would say – on with the show!
Lithuania: At least this rather lovely aging boyband have the right idea. They kick off an uptempo number (yay! For the record, points tonight will be essentially awarded for NOT BEING A BALLAD), using mime to denote instruments (bet there were catfights over who’d get to play the air flute), wearing tight tops and tartan trousers. Hmmm, I wonder what will happen to them by the end of the song? It’s funky, but quite knowing and somehow it’s a little too – and this is not a buzz word you usually hear at Eurovision – professional. *shudders*. Still, we like it enough, and then we LOVE it, as they predictably rip off their trews to reveal tiny sequined silver pants, and get down to some serious bum wiggling.
Armenia: Ballad #1 and already I’m zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The song is called Apricot Stone, so they’ve put a massive apricot stone on stage – GEDDIT? It’s rubbish – it looks like a big orange pouffe. Meanwhile, an Armenian Angelina Jolie in half dress, half jeans, pouts away, doing that breathy wailing thing, relying on some serious pushed-up bra action for support (ha!). I have to admit, they are (both) quite something – I haven’t seen cleavage definition like that since Eva Herzigova caused traffic chaos throughout middle England soliciting hellos for her boys… And fortunately Angie’s breasts are mostly enough to distract audience members from a terrifying Maradona-alike doing contemporary dance leaps, about to suffer a groin strain.
Israel: Ballad #2 and oh God please make it stop already, noooooooo etc. Attractive man black suit slow song so sad so emotional overacting fists clenched bum clenched blah blah blah there we go strings kick in inevitable loud wailing bit more yelling etc etc etc crowd go nuts I’m off to get pizza. AWFUL.
(P.S. I’m not sure, as I was quite busy shouting ‘END THIS NOW’ at the TV, but the lyrics might have been “something something something Yitzhak Rabin”. To be confirmed.)
Denmark: Well, they’ve cranked up the dry ice machine, which is always promising, but sadly we have to suffer a rock-ballad-love-duet void of any chemistry, despite best efforts to create sexual tension by separating him (eighties man) and her (nineties woman – hellooooo BOTOX) with the use of a) a shadow screen and b) a two-direction conveyor belt. You’d have thought that all that machinery-aided gimmickry would help, but it’s still a shocker and there was so much on-stage clutter that they had actually to run to another part of the stage to get to where they’d plonked the wind machine. Mind you, I quite liked that bit.
Switzerland: I’ll declare an interest here. Not the singing in French, though *obviously* there are always bonus points available for use of native language (point of debate though, should it only count if Switzerland use all three?). No, I’m biased because Swiss singing man was interviewed on the BBC on Tuesday and he was effing hilarious - all coy-camp, totally out-flirting Sarah Cawood and promising to perform covered in gold body paint if he made the final. He didn’t here and the song was an instantly forgettable mid-tempo disco number (in French), but it was at least a 1,000,000% better than what came before.
Sweden: COME ON SWEDEN, YE EUROVISION GODS, HOPES ARE HIGH! OK, female popstrel – check. Blonde – check. Pretty – check. Singing about ‘my life’ – CHECK! Hang on, what’s that? An acoustic guitar? She’s playing… a guitar… Huh? What? Where are the lamé-clad backing dancers and the techno beat? Does. Not. Compute... It’s quite nice, really, and – surprising from a Swede - we get to play mock-the-foreigner, when she sings “Strike an i-ron and attack my soul”. Bless.
Azerbaijan: Ballad number… oh I’ve lost count, and the will to live. This is the bookies’ favourite, and Azerbaijan have gone all out to win – getting a well-known Swedish songwriter to pen the thing and Beyoncé choreographer to stage it. That particular contribution seems to have been to put the lady-singer in a hundred inch heels and make her walk down a neon-stepladder. “And that will be a billion dollars please - or your GDP, whichever’s more accessible.” Needless to say, this is shit. I can’t even get excited by her lacy electric blue half-glove. Please, Europe, please don’t let this win. *sobs*.
Ukraine: So traditionally Ukraine are pretty much always my favourites – I don’t need to explain why - their back catalogue is exemplary. I mean, who could forget last year’s use of thigh high boots and lady-drumming? But this… this… this I hated from the very first guitar strum. Now I realise that that may seem a little premature, but I am a woman of principles, and the principle is this: if Ukraine don’t pull out a variation on the theme of leather bikini tops/mini skirts, furry waistcoats/boots, superlative whip choreography and female-led percussion, then it is unutterable garbage. This is no place for an acoustic guitar! Poor Ruslana – what must she be thinking? Her legacy - DESTROYED!!!!!!
Netherlands: in its defence – it’s not a ballad and it was written by Papa Smurf. I think this was supposed to be an homage to old skool Eurovision and Holland’s attempt to recreate the successes of time when being in western Europe didn’t automatically negate Euro-domination. Effort is all well and good, but the sad reality is that fully grown humans pretending to be doll-like automations is always creepy and a Dutch Karren Brady repeatedly singing “sha-la-lie” over a hurdy-gurdy is just very rubbish.
Romania: Now *this* is more like it! There’s a transparent double-piano with LED legs on stage! (Like Dr Doolittle’s push-me-pull-you, only with keyboards rather than llama heads. But of course.) Ooh yes, this is catchy. Gentleman-pianist is pretty non-descript, but who cares, as lady-pianist is a total fox - that is one tight’n’shiny black PVC catsuit. My oh my, she’s going to have to be mighty careful when she peels herself off that piano stool. Oh and there you go! Up they get to dance to the last third of the song – a welcome twist on the Westlife school of getting off your stool after the bridge, to add ‘poignancy’. Any remaining doubters should also note they also have backing dancers with bustles and real life fire on stage. In conclusion, hell yeah – high fives all round! (NB: Ukraine take heed - that’s what I wanted from you, only with more drums, some whips, and a cage.)
Slovenia: This is *weird* - and that’s by Eurovision standards. It’s a mash up of an accordion-based folk number and “Tonight Matthew I’ll be doing ‘Your Love Is Like Bad Medicine’”, in which Jon Bon Jovi serenades a young girl in red poncho over what I can only hope is Slovenian traditional dress. We’re all glad it’s not a ballad, but there’s no two ways about it – it’s awful.
Ireland: Former winner Niamh Kavanagh (class of ‘93) steps up and before she’s even opened her mouth the audience go nuts. They LURVE her – and we do too. In this context, the ballad (specifically the overblown, pan-pipe heavy, dignified Celtic ballad) has its rightful place. Awesome. Big hair, wind machine, modulation – this is how it’s done. Or at least, was, in the nineties. As a T-shirt in the crowd proclaims “Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1993.”
Bulgaria: Now I know I’m anti-ballad, but irritatingly, Romania aside, the up tempo numbers aren’t doing much to ease the pain. This performance does employ angel wings, but they didn’t grow out of a dress halfway through the performance, so that’s a waste of time. It’s always nice to see a white leather jacket and a touch-your-toes V jump, but it’s a bad sign when those are the highlights. Sluttiest-dressed dancers of the evening though, so well done for that Bulgaria. No wonder Boyko gets lucky.
Cyprus: What’s that? The Cypriot entry is fronted by a Welsh guy with band members from Scotland and England? Hmmm… *strokes chin*… I smell desperate times and desperate measures – this is clearly a surreptitious attempt at UK victory under the guise of a more palatable country. It has to be - how else can you explain the purpose of Josh ‘Charisma Vacuum’ Dubovie and that JOKE of a song Waterman clearly found at the bottom of old bin bag marked ‘Not even fit for the Reynolds Girls’ (at least Webber took it seriously – he got Putin on board, FFS.)? I’m convinced it’s all an elaborate strategy – à la Father Ted and My Lovely Horse -, divert UK’s support away (err that would be Greece and Ireland then), because no-one would actually be insane enough to vote for the bullcrap we’ve put forward - and help Cyprus win – that way we get the glory and we don’t have to pay for London to host it next year! It’s a rubbish tactic, of course, but I literally can’t see any other explanation for ‘That Sounds Good To Me’.
Croatia: Back to ballads – and what a load of ballads this one is as well. Three ladies this time – former losers Feminem – wailing in not-quite-unison and wearing those tacky dresses that have big trains at the back, but are short at the front; “It’s like classy at the back, but sexy at the front”. No, Feminem, it’s like gross at the back and hideous at the front.
On a completely unrelated note, ‘Apricot Stone’ right is trending on Twitter at this point, which is amazing really, seeing as that song was a) rubbish and b) about twelve performances ago.
Georgia: This was probably one of the better ballads, but that’s a bit like saying I would rather eat live beetles than live spiders. It starts with the leading lady pushing two of her male dancers towards her groin, which is wishful thinking on her part, if you ask me. That’s borne out by the subsequent homoerotic dance routine, where there’s a lot of man-on-man grappling and the men throw each other around the stage – the acrobatics seem pretty good, but, inexplicably, the Norwegian cameras are focused on the attractive Georgian girl. Go figure.
Turkey: Drums! Scratching! Bass! RAWK! It’s all very nu-metal – apart from the page boy looks of the lead singer, but we’ll skirt over that. The band rocks out and somewhere in the background a female Robocop welds (metal), then strips (off her clothes). This will completely win over all 13-15 year old boys, who, combined, make up precisely 0% of the total Eurovision viewing base. But there is something kind of brilliant about that.
And, that, my friends, is that. Thank GOD it’s over. Honestly. I feel drained! Someone get Boyko and me a drink.
So Armenia, Israel, Denmark (WTF), Azerbaijan, Ukraine(?!?!??) and Georgia though (boooooo), as are Romania, Ireland, Cyprus and Turkey (not boo). The Lithuanians and their pants woz robbed – apparently by the Norwegian presenter, who closed the show wearing a pair of sequined boxers himself, which was hilarious, and utterly restated our faith in the Eurovision dream. Dirge aside, I CANNOT WAIT FOR SATURDAY! In a perfect world, Greece, Romania or Iceland would win. As for who will win…. Well. Tough one, but I’m going to call Armenia or Israel, though Belgium might do well. It’s all so exciting!!! xoxo
Additional reporting by Victoria Bryan
2010 Semi final #1
Albania: A man stands on a spinning disc playing an LED violin and a girl in a metallic PVC tutu and blue suspenders gyrates and sings. Oh look, there’s a man pelvic thrusting at his saxophone. (At this point my boyfriend texted to say he’d had enough and was turning the TV off – the fool!) A stomping show opener. Applause utterly deserved.
Russia: SNORE. AWFUL. DIRGE. ZZZZZZ. There is a momentary highlight, when the guitarist does a talky bit and says “What are you doing man?” and the singer responds – in ‘song’ – “Looooooking at herrrrrr photooooo…” and pulls out a ratty bit of paper on which there is a hastily sketched line drawing of what I can only assume is a woman’s face. (You can imagine that conversation backstage, can’t you? “Where’s the photo Sergei?”, “Boris has it.”, “No, Vladimir has it.” “No, Aleksandr has it.”, “Oh shit, anyone got a biro?”) Anyway, (forced) applause utterly not deserved – but what do Russia care, they’ll always pull in the ‘please don’t cut off our gas’ vote.
Estonia: My favourite thing about this odd yet likeable band of male singers, who sport crushed velvet jackets with Hermes cravats and have a performance style partway between a barbershop quartet and Kraftwerk, is that they are called Malcolm Lincoln, after a genuine response given by a contestant in the Estonian ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’, in answer to the question ‘who was the 16th President of the United States?’. Get that contestant on Family Fortunes pronto!
Slovakia: So the gimmick here is that the backing dancers are all dressed like Lord of the Rings/tree people. It’s dull – even the plastic snakes used as whips can’t save it, let alone the entirely unsurprising ‘surprise’ appearance of a fairy godmother type in white, who would have done a better job of hiding if she’d stood on stage wearing a sign saying ‘Please ignore me just now, and pretend I’m not here – because I’m going to come on at minute two and surprise you…. Surprise!” Amateur.
Finland: A tiny blonde lady with a massive accordion (and her identical friend without) perform scary folky oompa music. Teeth, tits and terrifying.
Latvia: “Now what should I, Aisha, mature Euro diva and Latvian pop royalty, wear whilst performing my Eurovision song about ‘Mr God’? My favourite peach silk mini kimono and f*ck me Roman sandals, you say? Will that match my lived-in skin complexion and massive lungs? (Oi! Easy! I said *lungs*, people.) Yes! Perfect! To the stage, darlinks!”
Serbia: Milanamania – it will catch us all. I was all ready to mock the famed Serbian sensation Milan Stanković (possibly the fugliest man I’ve ever seen) with his bright blond bowl haircut and Tintin face, dancing around in his glittery ringmaster’s coat and ‘singing’. But it was, of course, a total winner.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: A man, not unattractive to straight woman, in a red velvet jacket on stage? Promising. Oh wait, what’s that? The sound of a cock rock number void of humour and musicality? Next!
Poland: The gimmick here is eating apples on stage, which is different, true, but hardly up to the pizzazz of using fire-eaters and leather clad whip wielders, or making the shape of a ‘1’ out of your backing dancers WHEN YOUR SONG IS CALLED ‘MY NUMBER 1’. Now *that’s* a gimmick. No, this is just a bad crooner, who looks like a shiny-suited business man fresh off the tube and on his way to Karaoke Box, fronting a sinister bad contemporary dance version of what is probably Adam and Eve, but looks more like Hansel and Gretel, albeit with stripping and a death scene.
Belgium: Ever at the cutting edge of excitement, Belgium go for the Ronseal approach to Eurovision, with one man (and what a lovely geeky-type man he is too) with a guitar, singing a song called – would you believe - ‘Me and My Guitar’. It’s nice, and he sounds like Kermit if his voice broke (Kermit that is, not the Belgian) – I’ll let you decide whether or not that’s a good thing.
Malta: I was all ready to dismiss this; another big Maltese lady, another big Maltese ballad – basically a Maltese entry by numbers. Until… HER DRESS GREW WINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I am a seasoned professional Eurovision viewer (don’t try this at home, kids), and my eye has been expertly trained to knowingly pre-empt the twist in the Eurovision tale, but neither I, nor my equally professional co-viewer, noticed the grown man in silver tights wearing the gigantic angel wings hiding behind the lady Malteser until he choose to reveal himself. (And he revealed himself a little too much when we got a close-up shot of the silver tights, if you know what I mean… And you do, cause you’re filthy).
Albania: Mature Euro diva number two – I’ll be honest, I love a mature Euro diva. This is one foxy lady, in a sensible black trouser suit, but with suitably crazy glittery shoulder pads, just slugging her guts out to a gooooood Gnarls Barkley-esque pop number. Thumbs up.
Greece: Mmmmm, is that the sweet smell of butch pop testosterone? I think so! Instantly brilliant. Man, every year, the Greeks just bring it. Bring what, you may ask? Well, generally, they bring an aging Greek pop star, dressed in white, specially cultivated and nurtured in the Athens Eurovision lab, set them on stage - and let their genius flourish, preferably including a self-administered percussion interlude. An amazing pop number. Not Hell(enic)ish. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!! OPA!
Portugal: Aha, the lesser known youthful Euro diva. Mind you, she’s probably a bit too sweet and naturally beautiful to qualify as a real diva. She’s gorgeous, the big floaty dress is gorgeous, but the song is a dirge-y bore. Did her dress turn into wings? No. Rubbish. (EV geeks will also note that it’s odd to see Portugal opting for a mainstream pop ballad, rather than their usual attitude of ‘we know no-one else in Europe really likes fado, but we do, so sod the lot of yer, here’s a lady wailing some’.)
FYR Macedonia: Our song is utter tripe – what’s our tactic? Nudity.
OK, let me tell you this, gothic lap dancers of the former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia - a vag flash is not acceptable, even at Eurovision. (OK, OK, there wasn’t actual genitalia on show, but it was just one flimsy pair of leather pants away, er, away. Ew.)
Belarus: Hello? Did they find the attractive Belorussian? My God, they did. Even more surprising – he has four similarly attractive Belorussian friends. Quite a gimmick by their standards. The song, however, is an awful ballad on a par with the Russian entry. The only thing that could save this would be the ladies’ dresses growing wings.
…Two minutes later…
WHAAAAAAAAAAT? DO MINE EYES DECEIVE ME? THEY’VE ONLY BLOODY GONE AND GROWN WINGS ON THEIR DRESSES!!! Seriously – two performances in one night where dresses don’t get ripped off to reveal mini skirts, but actually grow wings. Amazing. Malta must be seething that Belarus copied them! Or did Belarus get shafted by Malta? What a palaver. The spies have been busy on the Eurovision backstab grapevine. Someone get Marple on the case. And someone else get me a dress with wings.
Iceland: the lights go low, the sound of synths, a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig woman approaches the mic… And BAM! No, not an inconvenient volcanic eruption which brings the world to its knees (*insert forced laughter here*) – it’s a massive Icelandic lady getting her mature diva on. A Eurovision classic is born. Loved it.
And that’s it!
In conclusion: a classic semi-final, with the main theme apparently ‘dresses wot grow wings’. We also counted eight violins – very Rybek-a-like, so that’s clearly this year’s copy-catting.
Am pleased that Albania, Belgium, Greece, Iceland, Moldova, Serbia and – at a push – Portugal (Westie bias) got through and well done to Belarus for winning the battle of the winged dresses. I am, naturally, vein-poppingly furious, but unsurprised, that Russia and B-H made it – both total shockers, and not in a good way. And am sorry to see Latvia and Estonia go out.
Thursday’s second SF threatens to be a ballad heavy snooze fest – am hoping some of the slowies will fall. As for the final, I’m hopeful, but I won’t be relying on the Big Four for too many kicks (when do we ever?!). On the basis of the previews, the UK will be the usual outright embarrassment, Germany - nice and mainstream, Spain aren’t opting for their usual olé olé flamenco vamos a la playa über-Espania number, which is very unusual, and France seem to be opting for a less-than-wise ragga porno number. Mon dieu!
But on the strength of SF#1, so far so good. CAN’T WAIT. xoxo
Russia: SNORE. AWFUL. DIRGE. ZZZZZZ. There is a momentary highlight, when the guitarist does a talky bit and says “What are you doing man?” and the singer responds – in ‘song’ – “Looooooking at herrrrrr photooooo…” and pulls out a ratty bit of paper on which there is a hastily sketched line drawing of what I can only assume is a woman’s face. (You can imagine that conversation backstage, can’t you? “Where’s the photo Sergei?”, “Boris has it.”, “No, Vladimir has it.” “No, Aleksandr has it.”, “Oh shit, anyone got a biro?”) Anyway, (forced) applause utterly not deserved – but what do Russia care, they’ll always pull in the ‘please don’t cut off our gas’ vote.
Estonia: My favourite thing about this odd yet likeable band of male singers, who sport crushed velvet jackets with Hermes cravats and have a performance style partway between a barbershop quartet and Kraftwerk, is that they are called Malcolm Lincoln, after a genuine response given by a contestant in the Estonian ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’, in answer to the question ‘who was the 16th President of the United States?’. Get that contestant on Family Fortunes pronto!
Slovakia: So the gimmick here is that the backing dancers are all dressed like Lord of the Rings/tree people. It’s dull – even the plastic snakes used as whips can’t save it, let alone the entirely unsurprising ‘surprise’ appearance of a fairy godmother type in white, who would have done a better job of hiding if she’d stood on stage wearing a sign saying ‘Please ignore me just now, and pretend I’m not here – because I’m going to come on at minute two and surprise you…. Surprise!” Amateur.
Finland: A tiny blonde lady with a massive accordion (and her identical friend without) perform scary folky oompa music. Teeth, tits and terrifying.
Latvia: “Now what should I, Aisha, mature Euro diva and Latvian pop royalty, wear whilst performing my Eurovision song about ‘Mr God’? My favourite peach silk mini kimono and f*ck me Roman sandals, you say? Will that match my lived-in skin complexion and massive lungs? (Oi! Easy! I said *lungs*, people.) Yes! Perfect! To the stage, darlinks!”
Serbia: Milanamania – it will catch us all. I was all ready to mock the famed Serbian sensation Milan Stanković (possibly the fugliest man I’ve ever seen) with his bright blond bowl haircut and Tintin face, dancing around in his glittery ringmaster’s coat and ‘singing’. But it was, of course, a total winner.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: A man, not unattractive to straight woman, in a red velvet jacket on stage? Promising. Oh wait, what’s that? The sound of a cock rock number void of humour and musicality? Next!
Poland: The gimmick here is eating apples on stage, which is different, true, but hardly up to the pizzazz of using fire-eaters and leather clad whip wielders, or making the shape of a ‘1’ out of your backing dancers WHEN YOUR SONG IS CALLED ‘MY NUMBER 1’. Now *that’s* a gimmick. No, this is just a bad crooner, who looks like a shiny-suited business man fresh off the tube and on his way to Karaoke Box, fronting a sinister bad contemporary dance version of what is probably Adam and Eve, but looks more like Hansel and Gretel, albeit with stripping and a death scene.
Belgium: Ever at the cutting edge of excitement, Belgium go for the Ronseal approach to Eurovision, with one man (and what a lovely geeky-type man he is too) with a guitar, singing a song called – would you believe - ‘Me and My Guitar’. It’s nice, and he sounds like Kermit if his voice broke (Kermit that is, not the Belgian) – I’ll let you decide whether or not that’s a good thing.
Malta: I was all ready to dismiss this; another big Maltese lady, another big Maltese ballad – basically a Maltese entry by numbers. Until… HER DRESS GREW WINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I am a seasoned professional Eurovision viewer (don’t try this at home, kids), and my eye has been expertly trained to knowingly pre-empt the twist in the Eurovision tale, but neither I, nor my equally professional co-viewer, noticed the grown man in silver tights wearing the gigantic angel wings hiding behind the lady Malteser until he choose to reveal himself. (And he revealed himself a little too much when we got a close-up shot of the silver tights, if you know what I mean… And you do, cause you’re filthy).
Albania: Mature Euro diva number two – I’ll be honest, I love a mature Euro diva. This is one foxy lady, in a sensible black trouser suit, but with suitably crazy glittery shoulder pads, just slugging her guts out to a gooooood Gnarls Barkley-esque pop number. Thumbs up.
Greece: Mmmmm, is that the sweet smell of butch pop testosterone? I think so! Instantly brilliant. Man, every year, the Greeks just bring it. Bring what, you may ask? Well, generally, they bring an aging Greek pop star, dressed in white, specially cultivated and nurtured in the Athens Eurovision lab, set them on stage - and let their genius flourish, preferably including a self-administered percussion interlude. An amazing pop number. Not Hell(enic)ish. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!! OPA!
Portugal: Aha, the lesser known youthful Euro diva. Mind you, she’s probably a bit too sweet and naturally beautiful to qualify as a real diva. She’s gorgeous, the big floaty dress is gorgeous, but the song is a dirge-y bore. Did her dress turn into wings? No. Rubbish. (EV geeks will also note that it’s odd to see Portugal opting for a mainstream pop ballad, rather than their usual attitude of ‘we know no-one else in Europe really likes fado, but we do, so sod the lot of yer, here’s a lady wailing some’.)
FYR Macedonia: Our song is utter tripe – what’s our tactic? Nudity.
OK, let me tell you this, gothic lap dancers of the former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia - a vag flash is not acceptable, even at Eurovision. (OK, OK, there wasn’t actual genitalia on show, but it was just one flimsy pair of leather pants away, er, away. Ew.)
Belarus: Hello? Did they find the attractive Belorussian? My God, they did. Even more surprising – he has four similarly attractive Belorussian friends. Quite a gimmick by their standards. The song, however, is an awful ballad on a par with the Russian entry. The only thing that could save this would be the ladies’ dresses growing wings.
…Two minutes later…
WHAAAAAAAAAAT? DO MINE EYES DECEIVE ME? THEY’VE ONLY BLOODY GONE AND GROWN WINGS ON THEIR DRESSES!!! Seriously – two performances in one night where dresses don’t get ripped off to reveal mini skirts, but actually grow wings. Amazing. Malta must be seething that Belarus copied them! Or did Belarus get shafted by Malta? What a palaver. The spies have been busy on the Eurovision backstab grapevine. Someone get Marple on the case. And someone else get me a dress with wings.
Iceland: the lights go low, the sound of synths, a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig woman approaches the mic… And BAM! No, not an inconvenient volcanic eruption which brings the world to its knees (*insert forced laughter here*) – it’s a massive Icelandic lady getting her mature diva on. A Eurovision classic is born. Loved it.
And that’s it!
In conclusion: a classic semi-final, with the main theme apparently ‘dresses wot grow wings’. We also counted eight violins – very Rybek-a-like, so that’s clearly this year’s copy-catting.
Am pleased that Albania, Belgium, Greece, Iceland, Moldova, Serbia and – at a push – Portugal (Westie bias) got through and well done to Belarus for winning the battle of the winged dresses. I am, naturally, vein-poppingly furious, but unsurprised, that Russia and B-H made it – both total shockers, and not in a good way. And am sorry to see Latvia and Estonia go out.
Thursday’s second SF threatens to be a ballad heavy snooze fest – am hoping some of the slowies will fall. As for the final, I’m hopeful, but I won’t be relying on the Big Four for too many kicks (when do we ever?!). On the basis of the previews, the UK will be the usual outright embarrassment, Germany - nice and mainstream, Spain aren’t opting for their usual olé olé flamenco vamos a la playa über-Espania number, which is very unusual, and France seem to be opting for a less-than-wise ragga porno number. Mon dieu!
But on the strength of SF#1, so far so good. CAN’T WAIT. xoxo
From 2009 - Infiltrating a Eurovision party - The bluffer’s guide to going undercover at a Eurovision bash
Every year a musical extravaganza known as the ESC takes place and is celebrated across Europe and increasingly commonly a Eurovision party is held, allowing fans to watch the televised event communally. But the cult Eurovision holds many secrets for the uninitiated... No more! The purpose of this guide is to share a few key pieces of Eurovij – as it has come to be known (by, well, me) - knowledge for a Eurovision dummy to hold his or her own amongst the Song Context geeks.
The Contest - then
1956 in Lugano 'Grand Prix de l’Eurovision'. It was the first Pan European televised event – hence Eurovision. 7 countries took part, but not the UK. It was a very simple premise - all the participating countries would judge the songs and the winner would claim the great honour of hosting the next year’s contest.
Previous winners: Abba and Celine Dion
Not Morrissey (He wanted to take part for the UK, but pulled out when told he’d have to audition like everyone else. Shocking.)
The Contest – now
Following the fall of the Iron Curtain, the contest has made way for Eastern Europe expansion – 43 countries took part in the 54th contest in Moscow: Albania; Andorra; Armenia; Azerbaijan; Belarus; Belgium; Bosnia & Herzegovina; Bulgaria; Croatia; Cyprus; Czech Republic; Denmark; Estonia; Finland; FYR Macedonia; Georgia; Greece; Hungary; Iceland; Ireland; Israel; Latvia; Lithuania; Malta; Moldova; Montenegro; the Netherlands; Norway; Poland; Portugal; Romania; Serbia; Slovakia; Slovenia; Sweden; Switzerland; Turkey and Ukraine, UK, France, Germany and Spain.
Notable absences: Italy and Austria. They don’t bother any more – they stopped winning long ago and flounced off. But the Swiss do take part – apparently not so neutral where Eurovision is concerned. Whilst Western countries tend to find the whole thing very camp and silly, it is taken very seriously by the new participants - a win means a lot in terms of promoting their nation and getting a higher European profile.
With 43 countries now in, necessary to have semi finals to avoid a ten hour contest. The final still lasts several hours. Music is the winner.
The Big 4
However, there are five automatic places in the final: the host country (last year’s winner) and the Big 4 The Big 4: UK, France, Germany and Spain Quite simply, they pay for it – so they don’t have to qualify. Fair? Er, do you want them to take the cash away?
Contest classics
The local hosts – there to show off their country. Generally they employ an ‘interesting’ use of English – and French, which is still an official language, though isn't even used by the French much these days. C'est un scandale.
Copycat themes
Camp is key, originality sometimes lacking – and last year's winner is generally copied the next year; see Celtic panpipes, latex hard rock, belly dancing pop, big diva ballads, on-stage fire. Only the one transsexual winner to date though.
Costumes
For her: glitzy and short.
For him: a suit
Costume changes remain popular - particularly the ripping off of skirts, and nowadays – perhaps because of the contest’s popularity amongst the gay community – ripping open shirts. And once the songs are over…
The voting
“Hello Kiev, this is Lisbon calling.” Televised across Europe – technology has improved, but we still enjoy the inevitable bad connections. Each country gives their points – from 1 to 12. “Douze points!” Yes – this takes hours. Musical merit? Ha! Supposedly the songs are judged on their quality. Hence ‘song contest’.
Everybody needs good neighbours…
It is generally understood that countries allocate points based on their nations’ relationship to the other countries, rather than on the musical merits of the songs; Greece and Cyprus's unfailing exchange of 12 points (every single time since popular voting was introduced in 1998).
AKA please don’t cut off our gas Mr Putin
But neighbours exchange points even when they are ruled by political parties that may be hostile to each other – ex USSR – Ukraine and Russia. Is it because they are kowtowing? Or rather that those countries are still very culturally/musically similar?
Big 4 – sour grapes.
No one votes for them. Careful little countries – if you don’t vote for us, we might take our ball away! Interestingly the year’s contest will also see the return of the juries - but will the bias remain? (Certainly it’s hard to imagine Greece and Cyrpus not exchanging 12 points.)
A few famed Eurovision events
Terry Irish personality Terry Wogan has been long since associated with contest – funny and sarky comments throughout – possibly helped along by a few sips of whiskey. He has now decided not to comment anymore – reportedly because of his frustration about biased voting.
Nul points
Most memorable is Norway’s Jahn Teigan in 1978. Norway have suffered nul points a few times. UK too – Jemini. (Though they actually deserved minus points.)
The luck of the Irish
They've won three times in a row! Remember that Father Ted episode? My lovely lovely lovely horse. But who could forget that incredible EV half time highlight Riverdance? Genuinely amazing .
Finally: Dos and Don’ts
Do: Dress up as your favourite country.
Mark each country on song, performance and costume.
Cheer when Greece and Cyprus give each other douze points.
Watch it with the subtitles on.
Don’t: Say ‘Israel isn’t in Europe’ and nor is Turkey.
Ask ‘but why are all the Balkans/Baltics/Scandis voting for each other?’
Expect the UK to win.
And last of all: Don’t, under any circumstances, take it seriously.
The Contest - then
1956 in Lugano 'Grand Prix de l’Eurovision'. It was the first Pan European televised event – hence Eurovision. 7 countries took part, but not the UK. It was a very simple premise - all the participating countries would judge the songs and the winner would claim the great honour of hosting the next year’s contest.
Previous winners: Abba and Celine Dion
Not Morrissey (He wanted to take part for the UK, but pulled out when told he’d have to audition like everyone else. Shocking.)
The Contest – now
Following the fall of the Iron Curtain, the contest has made way for Eastern Europe expansion – 43 countries took part in the 54th contest in Moscow: Albania; Andorra; Armenia; Azerbaijan; Belarus; Belgium; Bosnia & Herzegovina; Bulgaria; Croatia; Cyprus; Czech Republic; Denmark; Estonia; Finland; FYR Macedonia; Georgia; Greece; Hungary; Iceland; Ireland; Israel; Latvia; Lithuania; Malta; Moldova; Montenegro; the Netherlands; Norway; Poland; Portugal; Romania; Serbia; Slovakia; Slovenia; Sweden; Switzerland; Turkey and Ukraine, UK, France, Germany and Spain.
Notable absences: Italy and Austria. They don’t bother any more – they stopped winning long ago and flounced off. But the Swiss do take part – apparently not so neutral where Eurovision is concerned. Whilst Western countries tend to find the whole thing very camp and silly, it is taken very seriously by the new participants - a win means a lot in terms of promoting their nation and getting a higher European profile.
With 43 countries now in, necessary to have semi finals to avoid a ten hour contest. The final still lasts several hours. Music is the winner.
The Big 4
However, there are five automatic places in the final: the host country (last year’s winner) and the Big 4 The Big 4: UK, France, Germany and Spain Quite simply, they pay for it – so they don’t have to qualify. Fair? Er, do you want them to take the cash away?
Contest classics
The local hosts – there to show off their country. Generally they employ an ‘interesting’ use of English – and French, which is still an official language, though isn't even used by the French much these days. C'est un scandale.
Copycat themes
Camp is key, originality sometimes lacking – and last year's winner is generally copied the next year; see Celtic panpipes, latex hard rock, belly dancing pop, big diva ballads, on-stage fire. Only the one transsexual winner to date though.
Costumes
For her: glitzy and short.
For him: a suit
Costume changes remain popular - particularly the ripping off of skirts, and nowadays – perhaps because of the contest’s popularity amongst the gay community – ripping open shirts. And once the songs are over…
The voting
“Hello Kiev, this is Lisbon calling.” Televised across Europe – technology has improved, but we still enjoy the inevitable bad connections. Each country gives their points – from 1 to 12. “Douze points!” Yes – this takes hours. Musical merit? Ha! Supposedly the songs are judged on their quality. Hence ‘song contest’.
Everybody needs good neighbours…
It is generally understood that countries allocate points based on their nations’ relationship to the other countries, rather than on the musical merits of the songs; Greece and Cyprus's unfailing exchange of 12 points (every single time since popular voting was introduced in 1998).
AKA please don’t cut off our gas Mr Putin
But neighbours exchange points even when they are ruled by political parties that may be hostile to each other – ex USSR – Ukraine and Russia. Is it because they are kowtowing? Or rather that those countries are still very culturally/musically similar?
Big 4 – sour grapes.
No one votes for them. Careful little countries – if you don’t vote for us, we might take our ball away! Interestingly the year’s contest will also see the return of the juries - but will the bias remain? (Certainly it’s hard to imagine Greece and Cyrpus not exchanging 12 points.)
A few famed Eurovision events
Terry Irish personality Terry Wogan has been long since associated with contest – funny and sarky comments throughout – possibly helped along by a few sips of whiskey. He has now decided not to comment anymore – reportedly because of his frustration about biased voting.
Nul points
Most memorable is Norway’s Jahn Teigan in 1978. Norway have suffered nul points a few times. UK too – Jemini. (Though they actually deserved minus points.)
The luck of the Irish
They've won three times in a row! Remember that Father Ted episode? My lovely lovely lovely horse. But who could forget that incredible EV half time highlight Riverdance? Genuinely amazing .
Finally: Dos and Don’ts
Do: Dress up as your favourite country.
Mark each country on song, performance and costume.
Cheer when Greece and Cyprus give each other douze points.
Watch it with the subtitles on.
Don’t: Say ‘Israel isn’t in Europe’ and nor is Turkey.
Ask ‘but why are all the Balkans/Baltics/Scandis voting for each other?’
Expect the UK to win.
And last of all: Don’t, under any circumstances, take it seriously.
2009 Semi final #2
1. Croatia
And we’re off! Out trot five lovely ladies in slinky LBDs and a young male lead singer – who clearly doesn’t have eyes for his backing girls, in spite of their foxy looks. It’s a Spanish-y dirge ballad, and he has a pretty weak voice, but they’ve upped the settings on the wind machine from ‘breeze’ to ‘tornado’ in an attempt to distract us. Oh, a lady in white has appeared (or possibly a costume change was involved and I missed it). There’s a lot of wailing going on here; the lyrics essentially consist of “ahhhhhh” and “AHHHHH”. Bof.
2. Ireland
Gone are the glory days – and they won’t be leaving semi-final hiatus with this one. It’s bad Busted with boobies, it’s merde McFly with melons, it’s sad Scouting For Girls with s… ach, can’t think of a word for breasts beginning with s.. sizzlers? But I’m more troubled by the fact that they haven’t even bothered to do the singer’s hair extensions properly (they are AWFUL – clearly they just nipped down to Claire’s Accessories, bought some plastic hair and sellotaped it to her neck). On the plus side - a lady drummer, a key change and some fabulously hideous laddered PVC trousers. On the down side – the music, the lyrics, the singing, the staging and the performance. Craic-p. (Like crap! Geddit?!?)
3. Latvia
Oh God! My ears! My brain! This is weird syncopated electro stuff. I liked the rumbling bass for the first nano second, but then it was like every bar was half the length it should be. (Hang on, why am I analysing the actual music like that’s the bit that matters?) OK, so the bit when random images are projected onto the backing girls giant sleeves’ is quite good, but the rest is shouty nonsense and it would be impossible to dance to this, or recreate it when singing in the shower. (A moot point, as no-one would ever want to do that in any kind of sane reality.)
4. Serbia.
Another experimental electro thing – how odd. The male backing dancers are wearing curly pointed shoes and doing break dancing. The lead singer has a massive waffro and looks vaguely like Hardeep Singh Kohli. There’s a weird doll-like woman sitting legs akimbo and all sulky, who danced with the guys, then sulks again. WTF? I don’t have a clue what’s going on, but I’m strangely transfixed… Aha – the subtitles inform me the chorus is something like “She didn’t want me, until I had pots of money in my pockets”. I *think* the performance is trying to convey that message. Somehow. It’s a shame this surreal garbage won’t make the final.
5. Poland
A ‘dramatic’ piano start and another lady balladeer starts wailing – pffff, she’s one of about five billon in this year’s competition. This one’s employing dirty dancing ballerinas and some ribbon waving rhythmic gymnasts to differentiate herself. Oh whatever, girlfriend. In the words of that bitchy scoundrel Craig Revel Horwood: D, U, double L.
6. Norway
Ring ring, ring ring,
“Trondheim Cheese World, good evening, may I take your order?”
“Hi, yes, I’d like cheese on cheese, with extra cheese, a side order of cheese and cheese, and some cheese.”
“Will that be it?”
“Some cheese to dip my cheese in and a packet of cheese.”
“Anything to drink?”
“Cheese juice. And vodka.”
“It’ll be with you in the Eurovision 2009 final, top 5.”
“Thanks, bye!”
7. Cyprus
Confession – I saw Sounds Like Teen Spirit this week, which was AMAZING, and I’m completely biasedly sympathetic towards Cyprus after seeing the adorable little Cypriot entrant, Yiorgos, come, like, 14th in Junior Eurovision. However! This stage school bratette going on about fireflies is not adorable – she is eminently slappable, and if she accidentally slipped off her (admittedly very cool) glowing, spinning light blocks, I would be not be sad at all. Yawnsome. (Go Yiorgos!)
8. Slovakia
Bluesy ballad boring male/female duo. At best you might say this sounds like a Slovakian Bond theme, because of all the strings, but that makes it sound way, way better than it is. Her: a high-pitched shrieky woman. Him: a broody dude who lurves himself. There is zero chemistry there – clearly they are arch rivals who HATE each other, which is always good for duetting on a love song.
9. Denmark
Co-written by Ronan Keating, the epitome of beige. And tonight Matthew, that’s exactly who the Danish singer has decided to be. This is dire. I didn’t sign up to this MOR dullfest. Where is the camp? BOO! RUBBISH! ROTTEN! FRYGTINDGYDENDE!!!! (OK, I just looked ‘ awful’ up in a English - Danish online dictionary, and I swear that was a genuine option.) The Danish always bring this non-offensive, non-descript, nothing music, and it always gets through. Bah humbug.
10. Slovenia
Again with the classical inspired stuff. Not great. And silhouettes in boxes is a bit last year, people. The intro seems to be going for most of the song… Jesus, more wailing! Is that this year’s theme or what? (Clue: the answer is not ‘what’.) Waaah-waah-waaaaaah,as Tyra might say, in imitation of a trombone and to denote failure.
11. Hungary
Whoa! Good start – an aerial shot of the lead singer lying down, his head in a lady backing dancer’s crotch. And pretty amazing costumes – that’s a very tight green and sheer, glitzy tank top with cut outs ON HIM. At least we’re finally seeing some traditional neon slutty Euro pop disco – though it’s pretty average. “Dance with me!” Meh. Maybe later.
12. Azerbaijan
Ha! They always go for the over-dramatic spectacle (well, twice now). Lots of big, stormy movements and pouting, and, er, an unexpected Latin sound to this male-female duet! Lady singer is waaaay out of his league… Except his league is clearly ‘boys’, so what does he care?
13. Greece
Oh here we go, here comes the professional. This is textbook Eurovision. White, tight outfit, lean tanned muscles, tall, dark and not-unhandsome; he’s dancing away to a winning club beat, he’s oozing confidence, HE’S NOW DOING THE RUNNING MAN ON A RAISED STAGE WITH A MOVING FLOOR WHICH THEY HAVE SEEMLESSLY INCORPORATED INTO THE DANCE ROUTINE! Somewhere, in a secret chamber on a tiny island, the Greeks have been growing this guy in a dedicated Eurovision lab and have distilled him right down, until he became the very essence of Eurovij. This cannot fail.
14. Lithuania
This, however, is beyond boring. The love child of Daniel Powter (who?) and Sean Hayes (who? Oh Wikipedia it) sings an unmemorable smugsome piano ballad. Yawn. Oh, he’s set his hand on fire for the end of the song. Bully for him.
15. Moldova
More sodding wailing. Oh enough! They should all just have a big wail off and the loudest can win. The lyrics seem to be ‘I’m a hora from Moldova’, her dress is Riverdance gone nuts, and – frankly - she’ll have her eyes out if she doesn’t get a bra on.
16. Albania
So there’s a green man on stage (like a blue man, only green and sequined), and he’s groping Tinkerbell. The sad truth is that this little slice of forgettable Euro-disco is comparatively good - for this year (which is not saying much, believe me). At least there’s an attempt to do something a bit leftfield and poppy and garner the Eurovision spirit. Even if that is dressing a man in a green gimp suit and having him feel up the tooth fairy.
17. Ukraine
Oh finally! Hello! Yesss! This is the stuff! The lead singer is a total lady-fox, she’s gyrating in a giant hamster wheel, there are half naked centurions all over the shop, she’s just flashed her spangly sequined knickers, which - incidentally - match her sequined thigh high boots, and is now grinding up against one of the spartans. I am *liking* this! Whoop whoop, she’s even drumming through the middle eight. Swoon! Thank Lordi for Ukraine; essentially recreating their last win - Ruslana’s mighty Xena Warrior Princess-inspired performance - but with a sexy Roman theme. WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! (Please!)
18. Estonia
Girl goth ballad. After anyone else this would have been average, after Ukraine it’s pants. If I were Siralun (*shudders*) I’d be all like, “Estonia, you’re fired!” Shame the bloody Eurovision audience disagree and out it through to the final. Let’s see if the juries can vanquish the Easty bias (oh – apart from where Ukraine are involved, obviously)!
19. The Netherlands
I’m confused. Holland has decided to send three old men dressed in glitter-ball suits to do an uptempo Eurobeat number. The spangles can’t save this! These men are aged! No chance.
And we’re off! Out trot five lovely ladies in slinky LBDs and a young male lead singer – who clearly doesn’t have eyes for his backing girls, in spite of their foxy looks. It’s a Spanish-y dirge ballad, and he has a pretty weak voice, but they’ve upped the settings on the wind machine from ‘breeze’ to ‘tornado’ in an attempt to distract us. Oh, a lady in white has appeared (or possibly a costume change was involved and I missed it). There’s a lot of wailing going on here; the lyrics essentially consist of “ahhhhhh” and “AHHHHH”. Bof.
2. Ireland
Gone are the glory days – and they won’t be leaving semi-final hiatus with this one. It’s bad Busted with boobies, it’s merde McFly with melons, it’s sad Scouting For Girls with s… ach, can’t think of a word for breasts beginning with s.. sizzlers? But I’m more troubled by the fact that they haven’t even bothered to do the singer’s hair extensions properly (they are AWFUL – clearly they just nipped down to Claire’s Accessories, bought some plastic hair and sellotaped it to her neck). On the plus side - a lady drummer, a key change and some fabulously hideous laddered PVC trousers. On the down side – the music, the lyrics, the singing, the staging and the performance. Craic-p. (Like crap! Geddit?!?)
3. Latvia
Oh God! My ears! My brain! This is weird syncopated electro stuff. I liked the rumbling bass for the first nano second, but then it was like every bar was half the length it should be. (Hang on, why am I analysing the actual music like that’s the bit that matters?) OK, so the bit when random images are projected onto the backing girls giant sleeves’ is quite good, but the rest is shouty nonsense and it would be impossible to dance to this, or recreate it when singing in the shower. (A moot point, as no-one would ever want to do that in any kind of sane reality.)
4. Serbia.
Another experimental electro thing – how odd. The male backing dancers are wearing curly pointed shoes and doing break dancing. The lead singer has a massive waffro and looks vaguely like Hardeep Singh Kohli. There’s a weird doll-like woman sitting legs akimbo and all sulky, who danced with the guys, then sulks again. WTF? I don’t have a clue what’s going on, but I’m strangely transfixed… Aha – the subtitles inform me the chorus is something like “She didn’t want me, until I had pots of money in my pockets”. I *think* the performance is trying to convey that message. Somehow. It’s a shame this surreal garbage won’t make the final.
5. Poland
A ‘dramatic’ piano start and another lady balladeer starts wailing – pffff, she’s one of about five billon in this year’s competition. This one’s employing dirty dancing ballerinas and some ribbon waving rhythmic gymnasts to differentiate herself. Oh whatever, girlfriend. In the words of that bitchy scoundrel Craig Revel Horwood: D, U, double L.
6. Norway
Ring ring, ring ring,
“Trondheim Cheese World, good evening, may I take your order?”
“Hi, yes, I’d like cheese on cheese, with extra cheese, a side order of cheese and cheese, and some cheese.”
“Will that be it?”
“Some cheese to dip my cheese in and a packet of cheese.”
“Anything to drink?”
“Cheese juice. And vodka.”
“It’ll be with you in the Eurovision 2009 final, top 5.”
“Thanks, bye!”
7. Cyprus
Confession – I saw Sounds Like Teen Spirit this week, which was AMAZING, and I’m completely biasedly sympathetic towards Cyprus after seeing the adorable little Cypriot entrant, Yiorgos, come, like, 14th in Junior Eurovision. However! This stage school bratette going on about fireflies is not adorable – she is eminently slappable, and if she accidentally slipped off her (admittedly very cool) glowing, spinning light blocks, I would be not be sad at all. Yawnsome. (Go Yiorgos!)
8. Slovakia
Bluesy ballad boring male/female duo. At best you might say this sounds like a Slovakian Bond theme, because of all the strings, but that makes it sound way, way better than it is. Her: a high-pitched shrieky woman. Him: a broody dude who lurves himself. There is zero chemistry there – clearly they are arch rivals who HATE each other, which is always good for duetting on a love song.
9. Denmark
Co-written by Ronan Keating, the epitome of beige. And tonight Matthew, that’s exactly who the Danish singer has decided to be. This is dire. I didn’t sign up to this MOR dullfest. Where is the camp? BOO! RUBBISH! ROTTEN! FRYGTINDGYDENDE!!!! (OK, I just looked ‘ awful’ up in a English - Danish online dictionary, and I swear that was a genuine option.) The Danish always bring this non-offensive, non-descript, nothing music, and it always gets through. Bah humbug.
10. Slovenia
Again with the classical inspired stuff. Not great. And silhouettes in boxes is a bit last year, people. The intro seems to be going for most of the song… Jesus, more wailing! Is that this year’s theme or what? (Clue: the answer is not ‘what’.) Waaah-waah-waaaaaah,as Tyra might say, in imitation of a trombone and to denote failure.
11. Hungary
Whoa! Good start – an aerial shot of the lead singer lying down, his head in a lady backing dancer’s crotch. And pretty amazing costumes – that’s a very tight green and sheer, glitzy tank top with cut outs ON HIM. At least we’re finally seeing some traditional neon slutty Euro pop disco – though it’s pretty average. “Dance with me!” Meh. Maybe later.
12. Azerbaijan
Ha! They always go for the over-dramatic spectacle (well, twice now). Lots of big, stormy movements and pouting, and, er, an unexpected Latin sound to this male-female duet! Lady singer is waaaay out of his league… Except his league is clearly ‘boys’, so what does he care?
13. Greece
Oh here we go, here comes the professional. This is textbook Eurovision. White, tight outfit, lean tanned muscles, tall, dark and not-unhandsome; he’s dancing away to a winning club beat, he’s oozing confidence, HE’S NOW DOING THE RUNNING MAN ON A RAISED STAGE WITH A MOVING FLOOR WHICH THEY HAVE SEEMLESSLY INCORPORATED INTO THE DANCE ROUTINE! Somewhere, in a secret chamber on a tiny island, the Greeks have been growing this guy in a dedicated Eurovision lab and have distilled him right down, until he became the very essence of Eurovij. This cannot fail.
14. Lithuania
This, however, is beyond boring. The love child of Daniel Powter (who?) and Sean Hayes (who? Oh Wikipedia it) sings an unmemorable smugsome piano ballad. Yawn. Oh, he’s set his hand on fire for the end of the song. Bully for him.
15. Moldova
More sodding wailing. Oh enough! They should all just have a big wail off and the loudest can win. The lyrics seem to be ‘I’m a hora from Moldova’, her dress is Riverdance gone nuts, and – frankly - she’ll have her eyes out if she doesn’t get a bra on.
16. Albania
So there’s a green man on stage (like a blue man, only green and sequined), and he’s groping Tinkerbell. The sad truth is that this little slice of forgettable Euro-disco is comparatively good - for this year (which is not saying much, believe me). At least there’s an attempt to do something a bit leftfield and poppy and garner the Eurovision spirit. Even if that is dressing a man in a green gimp suit and having him feel up the tooth fairy.
17. Ukraine
Oh finally! Hello! Yesss! This is the stuff! The lead singer is a total lady-fox, she’s gyrating in a giant hamster wheel, there are half naked centurions all over the shop, she’s just flashed her spangly sequined knickers, which - incidentally - match her sequined thigh high boots, and is now grinding up against one of the spartans. I am *liking* this! Whoop whoop, she’s even drumming through the middle eight. Swoon! Thank Lordi for Ukraine; essentially recreating their last win - Ruslana’s mighty Xena Warrior Princess-inspired performance - but with a sexy Roman theme. WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! (Please!)
18. Estonia
Girl goth ballad. After anyone else this would have been average, after Ukraine it’s pants. If I were Siralun (*shudders*) I’d be all like, “Estonia, you’re fired!” Shame the bloody Eurovision audience disagree and out it through to the final. Let’s see if the juries can vanquish the Easty bias (oh – apart from where Ukraine are involved, obviously)!
19. The Netherlands
I’m confused. Holland has decided to send three old men dressed in glitter-ball suits to do an uptempo Eurobeat number. The spangles can’t save this! These men are aged! No chance.
2009 Semi final #1
Montenegro – couple singing and practically DOING IT ON STAGE! (He was actually liking her neck at one stage). Spangly dress - check. White suit - check. Male pelvic gyration - check. Good opener, but struck by the curse of the first on - forgotten come voting. Should have made it over Boznia-Herzegovina.
Czech Rep - a mustachio-ed Gypsy superhero (good thing) and Gypsy band (ok thing). The song was total rrrrubs though. The red lycra suit and cape, and slapstick violin-bow-in-face move wasn’t enough save this. Deservedly failed to go further.
Belgium - oh dear. The poor Belgian Shakin' Stevens. In gold lame. Cull.
Belarus - big hair, another white suit, an axe-wielding intro and a wind machine. Horrible, obviously - but in quite a good way. At least Belarus won junior Eurovision, eh?
Sweden - High NRG popera. A bit 'meh', but redeemed by some good glittery mask action from the backing singers. Still, come on Sweden – it’s not really EV without them.
Armenia – slinky ladies, dry ice, pan pipe action, funked up national dress. Britney à la goth. Excellent stuff.
Andorra – have never qualified before. Well, taking a bunch of girls dressed in white and miming guitar-playing might have seemed a good plan, but it was decidedly underwhelming. "But I would rather die" she sings with a beaming smile. That was the highlight.
Switzerland – boring, indie pop. Lead singer can’t sing and isn’t even fit. It was better last year when they got that outrageously hot Italian in. Ahhhh Paolo... *sighs*
Turkey – ranchy ethni-pop. Good use of belly dancing and the phrase “dum-tac-tac” (or similar). And to cement such quality, they’ve added a man in a skirt. Fab-u-ous! (Also a rip-off of Greece's last winner Number One, but wtvr.com)
Israel – two friends, one Israeli, one Palestinian, singing “There Must Be Another Way”. Politics ahoy, as Eurovision solves the Middle East crisis. I like both song and sentiment! And the impromptu bongo interlude.
Bulgaria – Bulgarian glamazons! Not sure anyone was expecting that… Yikes - they do not look good in close up! Hello, the world’s worst hair extensions. And stilts. Yawn. Hideous wailing over a house beat. Bad.
Iceland – pretty ballad, pretty girl, pretty boring, but I’m glad it got through. She can sing and she has a pretty Gone With The Wind dress. And so far this year, dull & proficient feels surprisingly preferable to gimmicky & rubbish. (Re-reading this in 2011, I can't believe I was so 'meh' about this one - I LOVE it now. It's one of my all time Eurovij favourites!)
FYR of Macedonia. OMG – actual rock twins. They seem to have spent their budget on perms.
Romania – four sexy ballet dancing backers in neon rags, with lead hottie on a throne made of a tree trunk. “I’m going to start my weekend with a tonic and lime” – add vodka, sweetie. For all our sakes.
Finland – REALLY, REALLY BAD RAPPING! OH YESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT! Think the love child of East 17 and 2-Unlimited. They are all too old and their clothes don’t fit, but they’ve compensated with fire throwers. I would have totally loved this when I was 12 and doing that side to side step dance move at the school disco and wondering if we were going to play Arches soon.
Portugal – once again, Portugal go for a portly-gal who can belt it out in Portuguese. It's nice. It's very nice. I thought it was doomed and am quite pleased to see it through!
Malta – oh it’s chunky but funky Eurovij royalty Chiara. Third time lucky? Well, the lungs are pumping as ever. It was fine. I liked her sassy little head flick.
Bosnia & Herzegovina – and some more white suits. Mass drumming. Pfffff. Boo! This is far too pompous and serious. Can we skip to the voting now please? I cannot BELIEVE this got through! Travesty!
So, Sweden, Armenia, Turkey, Israel, Iceland, Romania, Finland, Portugal, Malta and Bosnia & Herzegovina through. All good and well deserved really, bar the awful B-H (BH = BS). Not a vintage selection, but not half bad. Semi number two is looking VERY promising though. I think I saw a shot of a Ukrainian doing the splits across a giant ring! (NB: That is not a euphemism of any kind.)
Czech Rep - a mustachio-ed Gypsy superhero (good thing) and Gypsy band (ok thing). The song was total rrrrubs though. The red lycra suit and cape, and slapstick violin-bow-in-face move wasn’t enough save this. Deservedly failed to go further.
Belgium - oh dear. The poor Belgian Shakin' Stevens. In gold lame. Cull.
Belarus - big hair, another white suit, an axe-wielding intro and a wind machine. Horrible, obviously - but in quite a good way. At least Belarus won junior Eurovision, eh?
Sweden - High NRG popera. A bit 'meh', but redeemed by some good glittery mask action from the backing singers. Still, come on Sweden – it’s not really EV without them.
Armenia – slinky ladies, dry ice, pan pipe action, funked up national dress. Britney à la goth. Excellent stuff.
Andorra – have never qualified before. Well, taking a bunch of girls dressed in white and miming guitar-playing might have seemed a good plan, but it was decidedly underwhelming. "But I would rather die" she sings with a beaming smile. That was the highlight.
Switzerland – boring, indie pop. Lead singer can’t sing and isn’t even fit. It was better last year when they got that outrageously hot Italian in. Ahhhh Paolo... *sighs*
Turkey – ranchy ethni-pop. Good use of belly dancing and the phrase “dum-tac-tac” (or similar). And to cement such quality, they’ve added a man in a skirt. Fab-u-ous! (Also a rip-off of Greece's last winner Number One, but wtvr.com)
Israel – two friends, one Israeli, one Palestinian, singing “There Must Be Another Way”. Politics ahoy, as Eurovision solves the Middle East crisis. I like both song and sentiment! And the impromptu bongo interlude.
Bulgaria – Bulgarian glamazons! Not sure anyone was expecting that… Yikes - they do not look good in close up! Hello, the world’s worst hair extensions. And stilts. Yawn. Hideous wailing over a house beat. Bad.
Iceland – pretty ballad, pretty girl, pretty boring, but I’m glad it got through. She can sing and she has a pretty Gone With The Wind dress. And so far this year, dull & proficient feels surprisingly preferable to gimmicky & rubbish. (Re-reading this in 2011, I can't believe I was so 'meh' about this one - I LOVE it now. It's one of my all time Eurovij favourites!)
FYR of Macedonia. OMG – actual rock twins. They seem to have spent their budget on perms.
Romania – four sexy ballet dancing backers in neon rags, with lead hottie on a throne made of a tree trunk. “I’m going to start my weekend with a tonic and lime” – add vodka, sweetie. For all our sakes.
Finland – REALLY, REALLY BAD RAPPING! OH YESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT! Think the love child of East 17 and 2-Unlimited. They are all too old and their clothes don’t fit, but they’ve compensated with fire throwers. I would have totally loved this when I was 12 and doing that side to side step dance move at the school disco and wondering if we were going to play Arches soon.
Portugal – once again, Portugal go for a portly-gal who can belt it out in Portuguese. It's nice. It's very nice. I thought it was doomed and am quite pleased to see it through!
Malta – oh it’s chunky but funky Eurovij royalty Chiara. Third time lucky? Well, the lungs are pumping as ever. It was fine. I liked her sassy little head flick.
Bosnia & Herzegovina – and some more white suits. Mass drumming. Pfffff. Boo! This is far too pompous and serious. Can we skip to the voting now please? I cannot BELIEVE this got through! Travesty!
So, Sweden, Armenia, Turkey, Israel, Iceland, Romania, Finland, Portugal, Malta and Bosnia & Herzegovina through. All good and well deserved really, bar the awful B-H (BH = BS). Not a vintage selection, but not half bad. Semi number two is looking VERY promising though. I think I saw a shot of a Ukrainian doing the splits across a giant ring! (NB: That is not a euphemism of any kind.)
2008 Voting rant
As for the results, well, yes, the ‘please don’t stop our oil’ political Eastern bloc voting lead to Russia’s first win - cause it clearly wasn’t the song wot won it! Now, I love the comedy element of the neighbourly love-in vote patterns – even as a tiny child I waited expectantly for Greece and Cyprus to high-12 each other. And I wouldn’t mind Russia winning if the song hadn’t been so colossally rubbish and so instantly forgettable - actually, I’m not even sure I was remembering any of it whilst I was actually listening to it. It must have gone in one ear and out the other with my brain refusing to process any content. But it seemed to me that the UK entry wasn’t *that* bad and that if two of the other Big Four, France and Spain, were getting low/mid-table scores, then it seemed harsh that Andy Wotsit wasn’t. (Obviously Germany’s No Angels were just awful. AWFUL. And I say that as someone who actively purchased their lyrically-bizarre (necrophilia-inspired?) first single ‘(I Wanna See) Daylight In Your Eyes’ and listened to it on repeat. The unsatisfying consensus seems to be that everyone just hates the UK and that’s all there is to it. But… really? There are plenty of unhated UK popstars with a wide European fanbase, right? Right?! Name one? Errrrr… Elton John? Several decades ago? Take That? Before they reformed? Blue? Oh God, has it come to this…? We can’t even claim Kylie to be ours, can we? Even though we saw her first? Actually, I don’t even want the UK to win – the comedy potential of the show being hosted by a nation forced to speak Euro-English will always outweigh the thought of the BBC getting an awful blande à la Fearne Cotton or Tess Daly to do it. No, my worry is that eventually the Big Four will get bored of sniffing around the scoring table’s nether regions and withdraw funding. “Oi you irksome little Easties, you wanna play with our ball? You have to let us win, then. Or we’re off to play on our new Wii. ALONE.” And that would make me sad. Eurovision royalty Terry Wogan’s already hinted that he’s off. (Though, IMHO, his form has been actually visibly affected in recent years by his - understandable? - irritation at the Eastern European dominance.) I suppose it is worth noting that the High Priests of Eurovision did play around with the semis in an attempt to counteract bloc voting, and that seemed to work to an extent. I quite like the idea of grouping countries into voting regions somehow. If there is a Scandi vote or a Baltic vote, then they can’t just all 12 point each other, can they? But maybe I’ll leave the political hot potato logistics of sorting such a nightmare out to someone else. Pfffffff, ultimately, Eurovij will continue for a few more years with or without British humph-ing at the voting shenanigans. So, I’m already hanging on for next year…
2008 Final
And the rest…
From The Final
Romania: oh God, why another ballad? Substandard his’n’hers Disney duet.
UK: Even If… it were a really amazing song (which it’s not, but it’s a passable disco number), the UK still wouldn’t win.
Germany: I loved Daylight in Your Eyes, but now they're just an aging girl band without charisma or the ability to sing in tune. Sporting lycra ponchos. Just horrible.
Armenia: catchy high-NRG Euro-pop, funky tassle-y silver mini-dress, untranslatable shouts of ‘Qele, Qele’ and a dance routine involving human sculptures. What’s not to like?
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Alice In Wonderland-style fancy dress, a washing line, women dressed as brides, knitting, women dressed as brides knitting. In theory it should be All Good, but it’s actually quite boring.
Israel: Dear Eurovision Powers That Be, PLEASE BAN BALLADS NEXT YEAR.
Finland: Lordi minus latex. And minus hilarious puns like ‘A-Rock-Alpyse’ or ‘the Day of Rock-ening’. And minus a memorable tune. And etc.
Poland: when cosmetic surgery goes wrong. Skin that orange and plastic boobs that low? Sack your surgeon! Even Jodie Marsh wouldn’t put up with that kind of rubbish.
France: ‘It’s camp, Jim, but not as we know it’. Tolerable alt pop with high emphasis on the quirk factor – just not in a Eurovision way. He drove in on a golf cart, inhaled helium from a plastic globe and I just thought ‘bof’. *Shrugs shoulders, gallically.*
Azerbaijan: black PVC-clad gang lead by angry devil-man versus white satin-clad gang lead by peroxide dude with massive wings. The angel prevails, symbolised by the inevitable costume change. As subtle as the block voting.
Greece: perky Americanised paedo-pop performed by exhaustingly energetic Mickey Mouse clubber the other ones bully because she’s annoying. Sings ‘I’m not easy, but I’m true’. HA! WHATEVER!
Spain: I think what happened here is that a bunch of Spanish mates threw a house party and during said party, they did what any normal party drunkards would do: overdosed on sangria, dressed up in some Elvis wigs, chanted nonsense, tried counting out loud to (unsuccessfully) prove they weren’t pissed, accidentally hit the ‘sample tune’ function on an old synthesiser and danced around a lot. Someone filmed this on their mobile and it somehow became the Spanish entry – essentially a hangover we all have to suffer. This tactic is also responsible for Las Ketchup and the Macarena.
Serbia: I forgot to make any notes about this one. YouTube it and decide for yourselves.
Russia:
Catherine’s Ears: ‘come in Brain, we are hearing something a bit strange and unpleasant. Request our next move. Over’.
Catherine’s Brain: ‘come in Ears, receiving transmission. Now then, what is this? Well, it’s certainly not music, so I will not register it as such. Hmmmm, I’m perplexed by this unidentified sound and suddenly slightly sleepy. Oh hang on, I’ve got Eyes on line two. Eyes, you called? Yes, that hideously ugly, huge-nosed, mullet-haired creature on ice-skates you’re see is indeed a famous Olympic athlete – I remember him because he mings so highly. I agree Eyes, this is totally rubbish – he could at least do a triple salty spin or something. Right then, thank God that’s over. What’s next? Ooooh a cutesome Scandinavian pop song.’
Norway: bunch of charming blonde-bots perform some Scandi-pop-by-numbers - never a bad thing at Eurovij – with this year’s silver dress trend surprisingly bucked by some lovely electric blue numbers.
Let the not-in-any-way-dodgy-or-predictable voting begin!
From The Final
Romania: oh God, why another ballad? Substandard his’n’hers Disney duet.
UK: Even If… it were a really amazing song (which it’s not, but it’s a passable disco number), the UK still wouldn’t win.
Germany: I loved Daylight in Your Eyes, but now they're just an aging girl band without charisma or the ability to sing in tune. Sporting lycra ponchos. Just horrible.
Armenia: catchy high-NRG Euro-pop, funky tassle-y silver mini-dress, untranslatable shouts of ‘Qele, Qele’ and a dance routine involving human sculptures. What’s not to like?
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Alice In Wonderland-style fancy dress, a washing line, women dressed as brides, knitting, women dressed as brides knitting. In theory it should be All Good, but it’s actually quite boring.
Israel: Dear Eurovision Powers That Be, PLEASE BAN BALLADS NEXT YEAR.
Finland: Lordi minus latex. And minus hilarious puns like ‘A-Rock-Alpyse’ or ‘the Day of Rock-ening’. And minus a memorable tune. And etc.
Poland: when cosmetic surgery goes wrong. Skin that orange and plastic boobs that low? Sack your surgeon! Even Jodie Marsh wouldn’t put up with that kind of rubbish.
France: ‘It’s camp, Jim, but not as we know it’. Tolerable alt pop with high emphasis on the quirk factor – just not in a Eurovision way. He drove in on a golf cart, inhaled helium from a plastic globe and I just thought ‘bof’. *Shrugs shoulders, gallically.*
Azerbaijan: black PVC-clad gang lead by angry devil-man versus white satin-clad gang lead by peroxide dude with massive wings. The angel prevails, symbolised by the inevitable costume change. As subtle as the block voting.
Greece: perky Americanised paedo-pop performed by exhaustingly energetic Mickey Mouse clubber the other ones bully because she’s annoying. Sings ‘I’m not easy, but I’m true’. HA! WHATEVER!
Spain: I think what happened here is that a bunch of Spanish mates threw a house party and during said party, they did what any normal party drunkards would do: overdosed on sangria, dressed up in some Elvis wigs, chanted nonsense, tried counting out loud to (unsuccessfully) prove they weren’t pissed, accidentally hit the ‘sample tune’ function on an old synthesiser and danced around a lot. Someone filmed this on their mobile and it somehow became the Spanish entry – essentially a hangover we all have to suffer. This tactic is also responsible for Las Ketchup and the Macarena.
Serbia: I forgot to make any notes about this one. YouTube it and decide for yourselves.
Russia:
Catherine’s Ears: ‘come in Brain, we are hearing something a bit strange and unpleasant. Request our next move. Over’.
Catherine’s Brain: ‘come in Ears, receiving transmission. Now then, what is this? Well, it’s certainly not music, so I will not register it as such. Hmmmm, I’m perplexed by this unidentified sound and suddenly slightly sleepy. Oh hang on, I’ve got Eyes on line two. Eyes, you called? Yes, that hideously ugly, huge-nosed, mullet-haired creature on ice-skates you’re see is indeed a famous Olympic athlete – I remember him because he mings so highly. I agree Eyes, this is totally rubbish – he could at least do a triple salty spin or something. Right then, thank God that’s over. What’s next? Ooooh a cutesome Scandinavian pop song.’
Norway: bunch of charming blonde-bots perform some Scandi-pop-by-numbers - never a bad thing at Eurovij – with this year’s silver dress trend surprisingly bucked by some lovely electric blue numbers.
Let the not-in-any-way-dodgy-or-predictable voting begin!
2008 Semi final
Iceland: bimbo and butch blonde energetically rip off It’s My life.
Sweden: Oh Charlotte. She may be a Eurovij veteran, but she couldn’t move for botox. As one of our party guests commented: classic BOBFOC (body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.)
Turkey: leather-trousered rock snooze.
Ukraine: Men dancing in boxes. Head tossing synced with beeping noises. Silver-be-dressed Shady Lady in charge. The spirit of Ruslana lives on. Ukraine to win!
Lithuania: Gothic eighties Fabio-alike, complete with a top knot hair do, performs instantly forgettable lesbian power ballad. Partly redeemed by use of wind machine and leather trousers.
Albania: snooze-bian power ballad. Dull, dull, dull. She’s only 16? So what? Zzzzzzzz.
Switzerland: there were six women in my living room watching Paolo Meneguzzi sing and smile. We were all literally salivating. Stupendo indeed. Rrrrrrrrrr etc.
Czech Republic: Five models in silver leotards. Exactly as good/bad as you would imagine.
Belarus: the most interesting thing about this was that the performers were sitting on giant silver balls and would stand up now and again.
Latvia: PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Croatia: featuring an old man dubbed 75 Cents (see what they did there? Clever). So, an old man in a hat sang his modest song and a flamenco dancer wore a dress which was truly beautiful and – shock horror – utterly tasteful. I’m not sure I approve of such flagrant anti-Eurovisionism.
Bulgaria: break dancing, an LED belt, a techno/ska mash-up, a woman with a fan made of feathers and some decks which were on fire. I was actually mildly upset that this failed to go through.
Denmark: man in flat cap and braces sings MOR pop-rock song. Offensively inoffensive.
Georgia:
Me: Oh my God, she’s wearing her sunglasses indoors, how pretentious is THAT?!?
My flatmate: Errr, actually she’s blind.
Me: Oh.
Hungary: soccer mum wearing a dress made of entrails sings another non-descript lesbian power ballad. I preferred the Lordi RAWK! copycat year.
Malta: VODKA! This was truly excellent. A leather-clad feisty vixen singing about how great vodka is. That this didn’t get through is a TRAVESTY! I am so angry I am going to write a letter! SO THERE!
Cyprus: bit tango, lady’s massive coat made the costume change rather less than a surprise. Pfffff, what else to say about this one? Um, she had a really straight fringe…?
FYR Macedonia: a feat in engineering was demonstrated here, as former Yugoslavia’s most pendulous breasts were somehow poured into a gigantic steel-supported push-up bra; imagine a bowl full to the brim of flesh coloured jelly being jiggled about. Actually, better to imagine two bowls of… etc etc. However, any positive impact was destroyed by a shirtless fat man in a white waistcoat. Rapping. What a boob. At one point he came up close to her, stroked her face, leered at her knick-knocks and we all felt physically sick.
Portugal: big old Fado-tinged lesbo power ballad. Boooooorrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiing
Sweden: Oh Charlotte. She may be a Eurovij veteran, but she couldn’t move for botox. As one of our party guests commented: classic BOBFOC (body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.)
Turkey: leather-trousered rock snooze.
Ukraine: Men dancing in boxes. Head tossing synced with beeping noises. Silver-be-dressed Shady Lady in charge. The spirit of Ruslana lives on. Ukraine to win!
Lithuania: Gothic eighties Fabio-alike, complete with a top knot hair do, performs instantly forgettable lesbian power ballad. Partly redeemed by use of wind machine and leather trousers.
Albania: snooze-bian power ballad. Dull, dull, dull. She’s only 16? So what? Zzzzzzzz.
Switzerland: there were six women in my living room watching Paolo Meneguzzi sing and smile. We were all literally salivating. Stupendo indeed. Rrrrrrrrrr etc.
Czech Republic: Five models in silver leotards. Exactly as good/bad as you would imagine.
Belarus: the most interesting thing about this was that the performers were sitting on giant silver balls and would stand up now and again.
Latvia: PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Croatia: featuring an old man dubbed 75 Cents (see what they did there? Clever). So, an old man in a hat sang his modest song and a flamenco dancer wore a dress which was truly beautiful and – shock horror – utterly tasteful. I’m not sure I approve of such flagrant anti-Eurovisionism.
Bulgaria: break dancing, an LED belt, a techno/ska mash-up, a woman with a fan made of feathers and some decks which were on fire. I was actually mildly upset that this failed to go through.
Denmark: man in flat cap and braces sings MOR pop-rock song. Offensively inoffensive.
Georgia:
Me: Oh my God, she’s wearing her sunglasses indoors, how pretentious is THAT?!?
My flatmate: Errr, actually she’s blind.
Me: Oh.
Hungary: soccer mum wearing a dress made of entrails sings another non-descript lesbian power ballad. I preferred the Lordi RAWK! copycat year.
Malta: VODKA! This was truly excellent. A leather-clad feisty vixen singing about how great vodka is. That this didn’t get through is a TRAVESTY! I am so angry I am going to write a letter! SO THERE!
Cyprus: bit tango, lady’s massive coat made the costume change rather less than a surprise. Pfffff, what else to say about this one? Um, she had a really straight fringe…?
FYR Macedonia: a feat in engineering was demonstrated here, as former Yugoslavia’s most pendulous breasts were somehow poured into a gigantic steel-supported push-up bra; imagine a bowl full to the brim of flesh coloured jelly being jiggled about. Actually, better to imagine two bowls of… etc etc. However, any positive impact was destroyed by a shirtless fat man in a white waistcoat. Rapping. What a boob. At one point he came up close to her, stroked her face, leered at her knick-knocks and we all felt physically sick.
Portugal: big old Fado-tinged lesbo power ballad. Boooooorrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiing
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