Veni, vidi, vici, Dusseldorf. My God, what a weekend! We channeled our inner gay men at the Euroclub, listened exclusively to Eurovision entries (both current and of years gone by), ate our bodyweight in schnitzel and kebabs, danced it all off again, managed to score second row seats in the arena (!!!!), high-fived the performers as they came off stage (leather begloved Eric Saade of Sweden a personal highlight), before a mere 125 million TV viewers watched Vicki and me having a little dance to the half time ‘entertainment’. Anj also got Graham Norton to sign my inflatable yellow microphone.
Today, I am tired. But on balance, it was probably worth it for the EUROVISION AMAZINGNESS.
Here’s my additional comments about the finalists (feel free to cross reference with my semi final blurb – am sure I’ll be contradicting myself all over the shop).
Finland
As twee and awful as this looked on screen, it did work better live and didn’t inspire anything like the same levels of hatred I’d experienced during the semi final. Also, I got a glimpse of the lead smuger just before he went on and he looked like he was absolutely bricking it - his face was still ripe for a slapping, but I would probably only slap him once now. And I’d feel a bit bad about it. Also also, that giant planet on the screen behind him was actually the size of the real planet Earth, so that was also pretty impressive and completely distracted me from the blandness of the song.
Bosnia & Herzegovina
I’ll be blunt, I cannot remember the merest hint of this one.
Denmark
We had an excellent view of his naked back.
Lithuania
Still so very dull. The entire audience remained resolutely seated throughout. I spent my time wondering whether I had time to make a loo dash. (I should have just gone for it – know your audience: no queues whatsoever outside the ladies at any time.)
Hungary
Still, I would have been sad to miss this for a pee break - finally a chance to dance! The crowd were all screeching ‘what about my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife?’ in delighted unison. And her big fat turquoise ring actually lit up towards the end. ON HER FINGER.
Jedward
Our friend Nigel’s hair was dressed as Jedward and though My Lovely Jedward themselves high-fived uncle N on their way out, I’m not sure they clocked that there was anything particularly unusual about his ‘do. You don’t me to tell you this, but I will anyway – they are literally (literally) insane. Their poor mother – not one, but two adult toddlers in a constant state of overtiredness. As good as Jedward’s performance was (and it was - possibly because it didn’t require them to sing at all), my favourite moment was actually later on when they were doing continual starjumps in their booth during the results, regardless of who got the points – it must have been 20 metres up, but those boys wouldn’t let falling to their deaths live to 175 million people stop them. That’s dedication.
Sweden
I touched his glove.
Estonia
She was so very tiny in real life. I actually really liked this catchy number, but the Eurogays demonstrated limited interest - probably Estonia should have spent more of the budget on baby oil and less on cardboard cut outs of cartoon buildings. Oddly, although the song was about a road called ‘Rockerfella St’, the London Eye was featured in the backdrop. Maybe Rockerfella St is that weird industrial road behind Waterloo station which I walked down once, but have never ever, ever, found again.
Greece
Awful. It’s a testament to the utter WOW hotness of their singer that they did so well, but he was jaw dropping. There was a slightly scary moment at the end when they almost melted our faces with their fire decor (can you imagine the amount of cheap hairspray in Nigel’s Jedward hair?!?) but we came through unscathed. Apart from our ears, of course.
Russia
This was one of my favourites, but it just didn’t translate on stage. From the angle we were at it’s possible that the light up jackets lined up in the wrong order and spelled out ‘A XL E’, but hopefully they got their formation and singer’s name right for the TV cameras.
France
The first of the previously unseen Big Five (the five Western nations that fund the whole thing, so are allowed a direct pass to the final – it’s for the best, as no-one votes for them). This was also the bookies’ favourite - well YAWNISSIMO! Seriously, Corsican opera? At Eurovision? I know that lesbian power ballad won a few years ago, but opera just ain’t going to cut it at the Euroclub unless it’s undercut by a thumping techno remix - erreur d’écolier. There were postcards of tenor Amaury knocking around and he was posing in a tight red velvet three piece suit with his hair coiffed in a heavily conditioned ‘Rachel’, so I had very high hopes for his costume. Mais quelle catastrophe! Inexplicably, he opted for waxy surfer dude faux dreadlocks. No wonder he bombed in the voting - he failed to use his best weapon: the world’s shiniest nineties lady hair.
Italy
Chubby Italian piano lounge jazz? Excellent - loo break.
Switzerland
Her dress was genuinely fabulous – clearly inappropriate for this context. It was a sweet song in fact, but just not quite stadium enough to launch the crowd - though the tiny Swiss contingent did wave their flags just that little bit harder. The staging seemed to have upgraded since the semi final to include some bubbles. Woah - don’t go too crazy now guys!
United Kingdom
Although I wasn’t a fan of Blue’s shiny distressed ringmaster costumes, this was a great pop song and it went down a corker in the stadium. I high fived the lot of them as they ran out and shrieked ‘Nice one Duncan!’ before collapsing into hysterical giggles. Interestingly, up close, Antony Costa looks like a Greek Kryten.
Moldova
Actually properly brilliant, pointy hats and all. Not sure if this made the TV cut, but the lady unicyclist’s butt cheeks were properly hanging out of her tutu - big time. I guess unicycling is all about the balance, so if you can wedge yourself on a little bit...
Germany
I have never heard anything like the roar when Lena came on. To best honest, the whole thing was decidedly average, but the crowd absolutely carried it. Last year it was all paired down, which highlighted just how catchy ‘Satellite’ was. This time, they must have realised the song was fairly terrible because Lena updated last year’s LBD to a pantaloon jumpsuit (still in black though - boo), added some dancing ladies in cameltoe-tight silver hooded catsuits and went for lighting inspired by alien abductions.
Romania
Look, let’s just say that everything’s better when you’re watching from the second row. Even the shit ones.
Austria
Impressive acapella belter. Still boring. The Austrian fans had managed to smuggle some sparklers in though, so that was a fun distraction – and, fortunately, a safe seven or eight rows away from Nigel’s hair, which I a little sad to report had wilted slightly by this stage – more ‘backcombed Beethoven’ than Jedward. But still AMAZING, obviously.
Azerbaijan
Wind machine and a very impressive firework curtain. After hearing it at the semi final, the Euroclub, and through two dress rehearsals in the press centre, it’s true that the song had really grown on me. Or, more likely, ground me down. But the winner?!?! Sweden was robbed.
Slovenia
Oh come on, she was wearing a chain mail mini dress and tight PVC platform boot waders – and yet we had to dance alone to this! A travesty!
Iceland
All the comments from the UK were about how the portly man fronting this one looked like James Corden, but in fact, in the (fairly ample) flesh, he looked exactly like Ricky Gervais after a home kit attempt at blond highlights. I’m embarrassed to say that when they all rushed off stage, and Nigel lined up to high-five them, I screamed at him “GET THE FATTY! GET THE FATTY!” (He did.)
Spain
What a sweetheart, and utterly gorgeous in the flesh - she and the Greek would have astounding children. A definite fan and stadium favourite. Shame NO-ONE ELSE IN EUROPE AGREED. HUH! Not that the Spanish ever care about that – this was essentially the same entry they have put forward every year since they joined, and which I have personally loved since my dad videotaped the 1988 show for me and I watched La Década Prodigiosa, transfixed by the lady singers’ puffball skirts and fan-shaped earrings. I must have rewound and rewatched it at least fifteen billion times whilst perfecting the dance routine in our family living room. (Bloody hell, how can that be 22 years ago? I mean, I’m only 22 now. Ahem.)
Ukraine
The sand woman, Mystic Meg, was wearing this massive purple leather stick up collar and there were two holes cut in it, for her to conveniently put her hair through. WTF?! The lesson here is apparently this - if your clothes get in the way of your hair, then no need to change your clothes or put your hair up – just take some scissors to your outfit and customise. It’s a shame that no-one paid any attention to the song, because ACTUALLY it was rather nice. This doesn’t mean I don’t want a mature female high NRG pop sensation next year Kiev – I utterly insist on it.
Serbia
More groovy sixties fun, but better on TV, I think. Got a bit swallowed up by the stadium. Shame really, as I read on Go Fug Yourself that the lead singer Nina usually performs with a band called Legal Sex Department. LEGAL SEX DEPARTMENT!!!! Clearly a band who could totally rouse an arena.
Georgia
More RAWK anger, and better live – nothing like a 32,000 seater stadium to channel your rage. Awesome.
Half time Entertainment
VICKI AND I MADE THE TELLY! It was only really because the German couple next to me stood up and started to self-consciously sway to the music and I felt sorry for them, so Vix and I started some sympathy bopping. Cue a camera in our face, and three seconds of global fame!
Voting
All I’ll say is that it’s a DISGRACE that neighbours vote for each other, unless it’s the UK, in which case it’s a DISGRACE that Ireland didn’t give us 12 points. I’m looking at you too, Malta. Also, I still cannot comprehend how Italy came second – perhaps it was the thought of the bunga bunga party the Italian Eurogays would have put on in Rome next year. Terrifying. But nope, it’s Azerbaijan 2012 (cue Googlemaps meltdown as everyone rushes to see where that actually is. Answer: in Asia).
Well done Azerbaijan – your screaming desperation to win has finally been acknowledged and rewarded. “Hello Europe, this is Baku calling, we have nine hotels and institutional homophobia – it’s going to be a good one!”
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