Vienna 2026 – Semi Final #1
My enthusiasm has been muted this year... for obvious reasons, but the opening sequence, a sobfest ode to 70 years of watching Eurovision and the evolution of gay rights - readers, I bawled, and I knew I was home again. It’s not a perfect home and I’m not sure how to manage all the house guests, but there are many ways to act and make your voice heard. (Some more comedic than others, but arguably no less impactful.)
Anyway lads, shall we let! The Eurovision Song Contest! Begin?
01. Moldova:
Satoshi - “Viva, Moldova!”
Panpipe drum’n’bass meets football terraces: shiny energic young
people spouting (shouting) excellent rhymes (“Salutti a tutti! Moldova is on
duty!”), presumably seeking to promote the Moldovan tourist board.
The dress code was disco knights and damsels, apart from the lead rapper who wore a sequined American Football jersey, because nothing says Viva Moldova like you're about to score a touchdown. (Go Sentinels!) No need for gimmicks
like fire or wind machines, when your cameraman can just use the fast zoom
function for three solid minutes - other than the brief interlude when one of the damsels was raised up in an enormous scarlet mountain dress, singing “in wine
there’s truth, chin chin”. Joy factor: turned up to 373.
Did this make
it? Yippee!
Are we
surprised? In many ways
the most mundane Moldovan entry of recent years (but it’s all relative with
this country’s Eurovision discography).
02. Sweden:
FELICIA - “My System"
Slick dancing, red lasers and BASS. All the hallmarks of Swedish pop with a heavy EDM twist. Highlight was the classic (English but not as we know it) lyric: “you’re always in my head, my
heart, my body parts”, which me and the kids have not stopped laughing about). Fashionwise,
Felicia starts in a bejazzled Covid mask, before switching to bejewelled
enorma-sunglasses. It’s not the bestest Swedish EV banger, but even a
mid-Swedish EV banger is better than most countries could dare to dream.
Did this make
it? It’s
Sweden.
Are we
surprised? It’s
Sweden.
03. Croatia:
LELEK - “Andromeda”
Sure this looks
like beautiful witchy women in Les Mis rags who’ve drawn Dr Who-esque alien
biro tattoos on their foreheads, chanting around a floating ghost lady in a
bedsheet toga, whilst the smoke and wind machines are pushed to breaking point,
but Wikipedia tells me it’s actually a “folk pop power ballad which deals with
the persecution of Christians in the Ottoman Empire”, so I guess I’d better
adjust my initial perspective.
Did this make
it? Yes!
Are we
surprised? A little, as
there are a few group numbers in this SF and I wouldn’t have necessarily singled
out the religious persecution choral one, but no complaints here that it's through.
04. Greece:
Akylas - “Ferto”
If you ever want
to know what the inside of your child’s brain must look like when they’re
jacked up on a full morning of screens followed by gazillion sweets and
birthday cake at an entire class Neon Rockstar Boogie Bash party in a village
hall with the kind of acoustics they should study at Torture Development
Methods School, then Greece’s entry should give you a glimpse into what’s going
on. May I be clear: this is not a diss. It’s also candy crush and manga memes and
kitten bobble hats and furry rave uggs and Greek statues and sexy knitting mums
and gold Willy Wonkas and a fireman’s pole and a scooter and sophisticated
commentary about the real value of money and wealth. Yes and indeed please.
Did this make
it? Opa!
Are we
surprised? This is the one civilians will text diehards
about on the night.
05. Portugal:
Bandidos do Cante - “Rosa”
You know when the straight chap has to endure a Queer Eye makeover and he's given a small twist on an entirely normcore look - essentially his usual clothes but ironed, with one additional accessory? And it's all “a hoodie under a suit jacket you say?” / “leather lapels how interesting" / "oh a and tie too” /“yes, I suppose I could wear a flatcap”. Well that, but it's six of them, stiff and uncomfortable in earthen-netural Uniqlo, dreaming of their Minecraft t-shirts, singing very nicely in harmony and emitting absolutely zero charisma. My children couldn’t get past how one of them had identically coloured, sized and shaped eyebrows and moustache, which I have to be honest was the most interesting thing about this whole shebang.
Did this make
it? No.
Are we
surprised? No, this was
boring.
06. Georgia:
Bzikebi - “On Replay”
Girl boy girl trouple
in banana yellow motorcycle suits doing nice but forgettable K-pop fodder mostly undermined by noticeably pitchy harmonies and a lacklustre, extremely basic dance
routine (bit of voguing in yellow pleather gloves, some walking, waving in unison, pause to pose). They won Junior Eurovision some years back, but aren’t quite
ready for big school.
Did this make
it? It did not.
Are we
surprised? Nope.
*** Italy: Sal Da
Vinci - “Per Sempre Sì”
This year the
Italian take on ‘entirely forgettable, but very well done’ is an orchestral
disco number sung by a well-preserved older gent. After being pickled, Old Sal
must have drained the Italian supply of Just For Men with locks so vinyl and
black - and that’s without getting into the fake tan top up. I suspect there’s a fair amount of sellotape
holding that orange face up under that shiny wig, though these days, it’ll
probably be less acrylic and glue, and more trip to Turkey for tucks under
plugs.
Automatic
qualifier: Big Four
07. Finland:
Linda Lampenius x Pete Parkkonen - “Liekinheitin”
Him: a curly haired hot priest-alike smouldering in a flaming confessional booth. Her: a barbie Barbarella MILF frantically playing a priceless violin, in silver thigh highs and wedding corset, battling a wind machine. As others have said, "he sings, she strings", and it’s riffs and emoting galore until they reach a rousing classico-rock pop climax at the top end of her G-string, where only dogs and teenagers can hear. Finnish Eurovision is on such an impressive streak. (I spent ages trying to work a pun around a violin/Pamela Anderson angle and the best I’ve come up with is #bowwatch, but I’m quite pleased with it, so go easy.)
Did this make
it? Mate, you
read what I wrote. Of course!
Are we
surprised? Bookies’ fav.
08. Montenegro:
Tamara Živković - “Nova Zora”
Vampiric nuns in puritanical
frilled collars and saucy high cut leotards encircle a woman dressed like an
Eskimo goth. There’s an assortment of stick-on nails (and frankly dangerous levels
of sharpness without adequate eye protection). Musically, it’s a fun mix of electro
dance breaks, choral interludes, yell-singing and accented Euro-rap. And they all made it through without any gouging.
Did this make
it? Sadly not.
Are we
surprised? This was one of
the ones I was hoping would sneak it.
09. Estonia:
Vanilla Ninja - “Too Epic To Be True”
Busted, if they
were Scandi soccer moms in family-friendly white leather, studs and lace. It’s
absolute noughties pop-rock ear worm, but I couldn’t get past how something
can’t really be too epic to be true. (Can it?)
Did this make
it? No
Are we
surprised? Maybe a little.
10. Israel: Noam
Bettan - “Michelle”
This delegation understands
this contest, maybe better than anyone else. What a pickle we are in.
Did this make
it? Yes.
Are we
surprised? No.
*** Germany:
Sarah Engels - “Fire”
Somehow Eurovision
hasn’t exhausted the roster of songs which rhyme ‘fire’ and ‘liar’ (admittedly with
added "vampire" this time) - you'd think they'd be embarrassed, but clearly not. And on the shameless front, bare bum cheeks have also officially broken through to
the EV mainstream, as it’s thong season again. That's several years in a row now when we've been treated to at least one buttock number and terrifying chaffing prospects. Fire fire indeed.
Automatic
qualifier: Big Four
11. Belgium:
ESSYLA - “Dancing on the Ice”
More ruffs and
more white leathery/lacy nonsense – not least a weird corset meets leg brace thing – like one enormous spat. I hated the staging and costume, but the song is an acceptably quirky electro number. Always a bit
disappointing when Belgium forget that they are supposed to be boring and we can't gleefully mock them for it.
Did this make
it? Oui!
Are we
surprised? Maybe, but it’s a
solid semi final and these are fine margin calls.
12. Lithuania:
Lion Ceccah - “Sólo Quiero Más”
Did this make
it? Europe did like this sort of thing.
Are we
surprised? This is Lithuanian Eurovision and I shouldn’t have doubted that they absolutely know what
they are doing.
13. San Marino:
SENHIT - “Superstar”
Senhit (silent H)
completes her Eurovision hat trick (presumably there’s badge for that, like
when I got ‘Sea of Green’ on Wordle). All hail Senhit. What a trouper. What a ledge. What
access to a tax haven budget. In 2021 she brough Flo Rida to the Eurovision
stage and this year it’s Boy George who has been (presumably) handsomely paid to
get wheeled on at the end and sing two barely audible lines whilst Senhit does
all the work belting out diva vibes dressed like a party dalek.
Did this make
it? NO!
Are we
surprised? Big shock. Absolute
lolz that Boy George has to Easyjet it home early though.
14. Poland:
ALICJA - “Pray”
Did you ever see
that meme involving middle-aged women draping colanders, saucepans and cheese
graters over their person and playing themselves with a
wooden spoon? That’s what Alicja’s metallic boob tube reminded me of, but in
a cool and sexy glamazon way, with inbuilt belly button. (Though, for the
record, nothing says sexy like the confidence those cheese-grater strumming
women exude). This performance also
stood out because she mumbled "shit" at one point, causing my children to solemnly explain
that “all raps have swears in them”. Indeed this did include a rap, and also a
bit of R’n’B and soul, even some gospel. Impressive stuff. It wasn’t my favourite,
but it was classy and slick.
Did this make
it? Yes
Are we
surprised? Quality prevailed.
15. Serbia:
LAVINA - “Kraj Mene”
Think the Lordi
prequel, before our Finnish faves aged into latex monstrosity and found their stonewashed
platforms. These Serbian guys are youthful of face, but deffo on a path
towards rawk monstrosity (possibly via Icelandic aggrotech) - gothic Dracula
meets Game of Thrones, with a terrifying clawed glove, sword microphone
stand and armoured shoulder pads Alexis Carrington would have longed to power-move in. It’s more angst and pain and Hatari throat screams than the heavy
metal pop of Hard Rock Hallelujah, but that’ll start to pass as they hit
perimenopause and stop giving a shit.
Did this make
it? Lordi, yes!
Are we
surprised? Lordi, yes!
I'm not going to dwell on the interval stuff which was dire, other than a neat little section about all the nul point entries (shout out Jemini) which I quite enjoyed. So that's it for now. Onwards to SF#2!
