1. Bulgaria: DARA - "Bangaranga"
Rousing folklore
meets club anthem fronted by... well front is the top-heavy word. But instead
of opting for paint by numbers pouting and laser lights staging, our leading
lovely opted for something of the performance art instead - dancers in seventies cop garb dancing
around an AA meeting room with walnut walls, wearing creepy transparent clown
masks and doing lots of chairography, and lightbulbography to boot. Bangaranga
by name and Bangaranga by nature.
Did this make it?
We’ll bangaranga on Saturday.
Are we surprised?
Even in the context of this turgid semi final, this one stands out.
2. Azerbaijan: JIVA - "Just Go"
There was a time
when the Azeris had budget to throw at this contest, such that they could employ dance troups, Beyonce’s
songwriters and pyro galore. Whilst this year they have… a curtain. The song is one of
those instantly forgettable angstballads which fails to be uplifted by what they could stretch to: some string and a red glitter pen.
Did this make
it? Nah
Are we
surprised? Not in the slightest.
3: Romania: Alexandra
Căpitănescu -"Choke Me"
Excuse me whilst I clutch my pearls and feel old, but was it really necessary to call a song "Choke Me" and have a young woman beg repeatedly during the chorus to be choked? No, it is not (even if it is, obviously, metaphorical.) And so I eye roll in sadness and kink shame with no shame. It’s a particular disappointment, as it makes me dislike what would otherwise be an utter triumph: an operatic goth metal rock goddess duet, as Girl 1 trills and stomps around in leather, attached to henchmen guitarists by long luminescent tubes, whilst Girl 2 sits on a milking stool in a white hooded poncho throat-raging to high heaven. One lyric change and this would have been my favourite of the night. Waaaah!
Did this make
it? Well of course. Europe
doesn’t care for irresponsible and distasteful lyrics!
Are we
surprised? All the
elements are there – controversy included.
4: Luxembourg: Eva
Marija - "Mother Nature"
A charming indie
pop number sung by a manic pixie dream girl with maybe just a touch too much
rabbit in headlights intensity and phlegm in her voice.
Did this make
it? Sadly not.
Are we
surprised? Yeah, I think so - this was ok.
5: Czechia: Daniel
Zizka - "CROSSROADS"
Touching minor
key piano ballad warbled by a young man with adorable curls and cheekbones, tastefully unironed denim layering, obligatory bare feet, and
a million mirrors to reflect the CROSSROADS of which he sings, but also mainly because he's really pretty so we're all happy to see multiple representations of his face.
Did this make
it? Yes, in spite of the weird
heavy breathing ending.
Are we surprised? Pretty privilege in full effect.
*** France: Monroe
- "Regarde!"
Full on dramzy popera from a 17 year Franco-Congolese-Morman beauty, with pristine blonde dreads and a pristine white shirt'n'tie with lampshade skirt. The song is a Eurovisionised version of Rosalia’s Bergain – classical coded but with the strings and soprano ramped up to make it somehow seem like pop. (And obviously without Bjork unexpectedly appearing dressed in alien fringed face-furniture.) It’s slick to a fault and highly impressive and couldn’t be screaming “JE VEUX GAGNER” more loudly if it tried.
Automatic
qualifier: Big Four
6: Armenia: SIMÓN
- "Paloma Rumba"
Sometimes silly
and fun is actually just weird and cringe (see also the UK entry). The song has
a not uncatchy panpipe grinding bass riff, but the whole thing just irritated
me intensely, not least as the main gimmick here was inexplicably attaching a thousand
post-its to a jacket. It takes a special kind of talent to be successfully
quirky-cool at Eurovision and Simon hasn’t got the chops I’m afraid. I wonder
if he opted for comedy, thinking it was his only route because he’s the uglier
side of Armenian standards - by which I mean he is extremely ripped and conventionally
handsome, but just not spectacularly, breathtakingly, launch a globally successful pantyshaper
line gorgeous like the rest of his nation.
Did this make
it? Nah.
Are we
surprised? Nah.
7. Switzerland: Veronica
Fusaro -"Alice"
As a committed
glasses-wearer, I am all for a Nana Miskouri vibe, even though I reckon these
specs were clear glass fakos. It’s giving slow walzy indie rawk, with spiderweb staging inspired by those rope igloos you get in kids’ playgrounds. Very enjoyable, not least the mimed guitar solo - but hold on for the real moment of mime.
Did this make
it? No
Are we
surprised? I suspect this
one was right on the qual line.
8. Cyprus: Antigoni
- "JALLA"
Thank you Cyprus
for conforming to stereotype – girl-fronted girl bop, with insanely toned and oiled abs and a teeny
hankie dress. There’s a fine line between sexy lace offcuts and Halloween loo roll
dregs, and I’m not entirely sure where the costumes here landed, but good luck to
them.
Did this make
it? Yes!
Are we
surprised? It wasn’t
surefire, but the loo roll prevailed.
***Austria: COSMÓ
-"Tanzschein"
I know Americans don't especially watch this thing, but the chorus so directly rips off Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy that it defies belief. Not that Billie’ll become a trophy holder from associated song-writing credits because this electro
stomp about needing a dance permit, featuring men in metallic animal heads is… not going to win.
Automatic
qualifier: Host Nation
9. Latvia: Atvara
-"Ēnā"
Lovely voice and
dandruff-crystal dress, with some quite stylistic black and white and mirror
shard imagery, but fundamentally, an utterly forgettable ballad.
Did this make
it? No
Are we
surprised? It’s the kind
of thing Europe can really get behind, but apparently not this year.
10. Denmark: Søren
Torpegaard Lund - "Før vi går hjem"
Catchy anthemic pop
and a good tune, but a weird art school staging, in which a load of dancers are Damian Hirsted in an orgy tank, whilst yer man has shaved his eyebrows and gone
for a fishnet meets country and western look. Sometimes you should just embrace mainstream
and take Route A – the performance art element completely jarred with a do-what-it-says-on-the-tin hands
in the air rouser.
Did this make
it? Uhuh
Are we
surprised? No - it’s a great song.
I just didn’t like the staging.
11. Australia: Delta Goodrem - "Eclipse"
The highlight of this semi-final. And by that, I don’t mean Delta’s glossy, totally profesh performance, but the specific moment when she briefly mimed playing the piano so badly I thought I would die laughing and had to use all my will power not to immediately rewind and watch it over and over again. But she's so seasoned she can do what the hell she wants -which turns out to be dressing like a Jo-L-esque vision in gold sequined beading and deity lighting, and getting raised up on a phallic column from the lid of her grand piano.
Did this make
it? Yes mate.
Are we
surprised? Not at all, she
clearly knows what she’s doing.
12. Ukraine: LELÉKA
- "Ridnym"
At first glance not much more than a bog-standard sweetly sung ballad. But then – and what else would we expect from Ukrainian
Eurovision – it subtly wove in several interesting and impactful layers: unexpected electro
and orchestral breaks, big voiced top note wailing, and white fringed pyjamas
with black leather finger gloves and asymmetric eyeliner.
Did this make
it? Slava Ukraini!
Are we
surprised? It would be a
shock for Ukraine not to get through.
***United Kingdom Look Mum No Computer - "Eins, Zwei, Drei"
Am too depressed
to write about this one tbh, but there was a nice moment during the scoring when the Danish delegation let him sit with them.
Automatic
qualifier: Big Four
13. Albania: Alis
- "Nân"
OMG – an unexpected FAVE. Things didn’t bode well at first with the receding hairline and Bono shades, but then I noticed the chainmail robes and we were gifted an operatic cracker – Shakespearian levels of dramato-tragedy as Bono wailed and emoted “know that mother waits for you”. He was then slowly approached by said mother who gave him what at first appeared to be a labubu, but was in fact a pocket watch. That it was both as subtle as a sledgehammer and entirely incoherent in terms of a wider narrative is irrelevant. I was enthralled throughout.
Did this make
it? YES QWEEN.
Are we
surprised? Albanian Eurovision is ever the dark horse, so *of course* Mother was mothering.
14. Malta: Aiden
- "Bella"
Absolute psychopath
vibes. Malta have dredged a man up (a man!), clad him in unnecessarily tight leather
(size it up my friend) and produced an absolute dirgefest. I would have believed
him more if he’d been singing less about “bella” and more about his hair-straighteners,
as clearly they're his true obsession. Hated this.
Did this make
it? Yes – for shame.
Are we
surprised? Furious mainly.
15. Norway: Jonas
Lovv - "YA YA YA"
I suspect there’ll
be a few “cut price Harry Styles” comments on the internet, but I flippin’ loved
this psychedelic rock-pop guitar-driven camp-fest. Very good Norway. Carry on!
Did this make
it? YA YA YA.
Are we
surprised? No – twas a banger!
OK, that's yer lot. It's not a stella year, but there's some fun in there. Finland are tipped to win, and I think that's the most likely call, but I'd love to see a Greek or Albanian victory. And I won't love to see it, but I think it's an inevitable UK nul points.
