2012 Semi final #1

Montenegro

Well, what an opener - but at least things could only improve. I missed the start, due to pizza-for-party hostessing duties (classy, no?), but it seemed to involve a fat greasy-haired man muttering about the downfall of the Euro over some slap-bass, and some bum shuffling disguised as break dancing (I swear when one of the dancers got up, he had to rub down a back twinge.). There was also a Trojan Horse on stage, which I assume was an attempt at SATIRE. (HIGNFY take note.)

Iceland

A his'n'hers Serious Pop duet, full of fraught intensity and grimacing emotion and a funeral Disney theme. The lady singer, Icelandic Barbie, struggled a little with the brooding, as her face was stuck in a terrifying grin throughout – I'm guessing the last of her savings went on some pre-volcano dental work and she was darned if 170 million people weren't going to check out the spoils.  The best bit was when she stopped playing her violin and yet the violin sounds continued.

Greece

Obviously Greece cannot win – the financial implications would be disastrous – but they are still gunning for it, which is no surprise, as they are Eurovision stalwarts and I love them for it.  It was basically My Number One*-lite, but seeing as how AMAZEBALLS 'My Number One' was (choreographing dancers into the shape of a '1' – helloooooo? Awesome.), even a toned down version was pretty good. Am sure the lack of fabric was a nod to austerity measures, rather than a shameless attempt to get the hetero male vote (at Eurovision, a pointless enterprise).

*former Greek winner - shame on you if you didn't know that.  Get ye to Google.

Latvia

As soon as they appeared, all of Twitter exclaimed in unison “It's the Latvian loose women” - and it was true. And lo, Latvian Colleen Nolan and Latvian Jane Macdonald donned their finest mother-of-the-bride Coast dresses and had a lovely sing song about beautiful songs on the radio (a concept quite alien to Eurovision, no?) and then one of them claimed (in song) to have been born in 1980 - my, how we laughed! In another lyric, Sir Mick Jagger phoned them up, but they were too busy (hosting Loose Women and singing, I imagine) to be arsed to meet up with him. Creative gold.

Albania

In this profoundly boring performance, the Albanian wannabe Bjork got up and wailed a lot, wearing her own dreadlock as a necklace, with curtains sprouting from her boobs. The wailing then turned to squealing and Europe collectively recoiled, physically pushed back by the sheer power of her lady lungs. I cannot believe San Marino lost to THIS.

Romania

Tangerine mini dress + massive black granny pants + a wind machine + moonwalking bagpiper + a drum with a heart inside that LIGHTS UP WHEN YOU HIT IT = what's not to like?

Switzerland

Scott Mills told us they sounded like The Killers. Not untrue - other than if you were then expecting a hot Brendon Flowers-alike. (Course, they're Swiss, so I'm imagining our expectiations were low, right?)

Belgium

Someone contacted the Beeb to say “I used this as the cool down for my Zumba class today”. BEST. TWEET. EVER.

Finland

My god, apparently it's 'all about the songs' this year – yawn town.  Cursory use of wind machine is not good enough. WHERE IS THE GIMMICK? (NB: singing in Swedish when you are, in fact, Finnish is not gimmick enough.) Next.

Israel

Errr, waaa?  Well, clearly Israel had decided they didn't want to bother this year, so they all got smashed and performed My Lovely Israeli Horse, Rabbi Ted-style.  Really quite bad.  Having said that, drunk Israeli keyboard woman was one of my favourite Eurovij things so far - totally worth a Google.  (When I say 'totally worth a', you know I mean 'do this if you're quite far along the bored scale', right?)

San Marino

Robbed. ROBBED. 'The Social Network Song' was everything I hoped for and more – including the utterly random appearance of a pilot, doctor and cheerleader, for no discernable reason whatsoever.  It could be that they were supposed to represent 'The Village People For The Facebook Generation', but I doubt it – I imagine there just isn't much choice at the San Marino Fancy Dress shop.

Cyprus

“Yeah, she can't really sing, but she looks like Liv Tyler/Anne Hathaway/Katie Holmes. She's in. We'll find her an ice-skating outfit.”

Denmark

Hooray for the first costume change of the night – even if it was just the lead singer taking off her sailor's hat.

Russia

Adorable tone-deaf grannies. Though, on closer inspection, one of them isn't *actually* that old – I'd imagine she's there for health and safety, in case one of them...  can't remember her lines.

Hungary

Dull man rock. (That's what my notes say, and I have no intention of going back to iPlayer to investigate/remind myself further.)

Austria

Trackshittaz. TRACKSHITTAZ. TrackSHITaz. (Geddit?!?) With the seminal classic 'Woki mit deim Popo' which 'hilariously' sounds like “fucky with my popo”. ( No idea why I put the inverted commas around 'hilariously' there – hearing a foreign word that approximates an English swear word is ALWAYS funny.  E.g. "Mein Vater heisst Malcolm.") Not content with the faux swearing, they also got Bridget Nielsen to pole-dance wearing bum lights. How could this not get through?!

Moldova

If I remember correctly (and I really might not), last year, Moldova were the weird ones with the pointy cone hats and the ballerina on a unicycle.  This was a slightly more normalised version of that, with the eccentricity only going so far as allowing the female peformers to bop in comfortable flat ballet pumps rather than painful stacked stilettos.  Hooray for feminism!  I liked this. And, so apparently, did Europe.

Ireland

At first I was worried – why the flat hair? Will it be as good as Lipstick? Have they got old yet? But, of course, there was NO NEED to panic.  We got flat hair because Jedward went for a dance in an ACTUAL FOUNTAIN. (But OF COURSE.)  And it was better than Lipstick - an instant eighties classic!  And they haven't got old!  Phew!  Now then *serious face* Dear Our Holy Lady Dana International, please may Jedward never not do Eurovision and please may Jedward never grow old. (No seriously – they cannot get old. Nothing will freak us all out like old Jedward. *shudders*)  In the meantime - expect total Jedward domination.

Next time...
And so we have it - despite the distinct lack of key and costume changes - our first ten finalists: Iceland (brooding teeth), Greece (austerity fabric), Albania (boring dreadlock), Romania (tangerine bagpipes), Cyprus (Liv Tyler), Denmark (sailor's hat), Russia (grannies), Hungary (forgotten), Moldova (yay) and Jedward (WHOOP).  What delights await us on Thursday?  We can only imagine!  Bring it on.