My favourite thing of the evening was actually a man in very tight salmon shorts and a tiara jumping up and down behind the presenters. Which sets the bar high, am sure you’ll agree. And on with the show!
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Shappi Khorsandi and Joey the Lips out of The Commitments kick off with a flirtatious yodel before the hairy bear-y double bass player whips out a triangle. Ting! It goes on for a bit in a plinky plonky dirge and then there’s some synchronised slow motion waving in a line. Mmmmkaaaaay.
Austria
Slinky laydee with a vinyl bob, mega pins and excellent slinky platforms. It’s a bit karaoke, but her voice is actually not bad and she owns the night’s first key change. There’s a lot of smoke on stage, but they seem to have cleverly applied the old classic backing dancer rule: line ‘em up and stick the fat one who’s actually doing the singing on the end.
Netherlands
Well, a white dinner jacket with lace detail – FOR HIM. Jesus Christ. Horrible. And he hasn’t even bothered to wash his fringe. This is the blandest soft rock MOR ever – basically, imagine the most road-like of all roady roads and then look right at the very middle of it – that is where this song belongs. Like roadkill.
Belgium
Belgium, a country so boring I can’t even think of a boring enough metaphor. Hell, the very concept of metaphor is too interesting for Belgium. So, acapella Belgian hiphop then. Hmmmm. It’s not terrible, by Belgian standards, at least. However, Trinny & Susannah would (rightly) have something to say about those dresses on the lady Belgians. Boob tube tops are never the best shape for the curvier lady.
Slovakia
Hot female twins wail R’n’B. They look scarily like Teri Shuster out of Glee. They have massive breasts. That’s really all I have to say about them.
Ukraine
RIGHT, UKRAINE, THAT IS IT! I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I SEE THAT I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN. IF UKRAINE AREN’T GOING UPTEMPO WITH A CROTCH-LEVEL-MINI-SKIRTED MILF FRONTING THE WHOLE BLOODY THING, PREFERABLY WHILST WIELDING WHIPS OR FLAMIMG DRUM STICKS, THEN SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY EFFING WRONG! RAGE! But no, apparently, we have to suffer wailing and sand painting. I give up.
Moldova
Pointy hats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle and strobes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle and strobe and trumpets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually fairly shit.
Sweden
Just brilliant. Finally! Catchy pop song, a boyband hotty, wikkid dancing, a weird leather glove (singular) and disco climbing frames, which turn into a disco greenhouse. But of course. *This* is what I wanted from Ukraine and Greece – I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s Eurovision royals Sweden who bring it. Awesome. I predict this will be, ahem, ‘Popular’. HAHAHA – at least I amuse myself.
Cyprus
Aha – some ethnic panpipes! It had been a while, no? Our Cypriot friends appear to be in a field of giant luminous lollipops and the lady singer has managed to pluck one, which she’s now swinging around her head Olympic hammer style. As if it didn’t didn’t make any sense already, there’s a one man capoeira demonstration going on at the side and he hasn’t quite mastered the cartwheel.
Bulgaria
Well it starts with a close up of the pianist’s royal blue shoulder pads, with many black chains hanging off it, so I am SOLD. Think Marie out of Roxette, (or a thin Pink, for any younger viewers) fronting a band which includes a lady guitarist and a song wot’s funky as hell. (They’ve even nicked a riff off ‘Give It Away’ by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Talking of the Chilli Peppers, as no-one at Eurovision will be, has anyone else noticed that socks on penises isn’t a theme we’ve ever seen at Eurovij? A trick missed, perhaps).
FYR Macedonia
Contemporary dance? Really? Do we *have* to? Lead man literally cannot sing, so he’s doing that growling thing. Tom Waits he is not, however. For reasons unknown he eventually starts to growl into a megaphone and the contemporary moves morph into Riverdance – ‘cept the one on the end doesn’t seem to be doing the same moves as the others and is showing off his breakdancing skills. How embarrassing.
Israel
Hello Dana, you old trooper. That’s an interesting wicker dress you have on. If you didn’t catch her interview with Scott Mills, you missed out - she was essentially too high to talk, but when asked what inspired her to write her song ‘Ding Dong’, she simply responded “Horny”. She is fairly amazing though, working the crowd with a slinky catwalk. How unfortunate that the lyric sounds like “it’s making me hard” – she’s singing ‘high’ right? Right?!?
Slovenia
Well, I was about to condone it as a yawnfest and then I noticed that our leading lady was hoiked into a metallic slutty dress, with leather cuffs and thigh high boots. Points ahoy! Vertical stripes may not be her friend, but boy she can sing. And as Mr Cad expertly points out “there's some good wristography going on”. (Three years of Strictly and Eurovision, and I have BROUGHT HIM DOWN, MWAHAHAHA!)
Romania
“Hello is that Bucharest World of Cheese? Can I order a cheese fondue with extra cheese etc etc…” But where the heck are the jazz hands? This chintzy musical theatre number is fronted by an Englishman, so frankly he should know better than to wear stupid stripy trousers and endorse Sally Bowles-esque trumpet mimers pissing around in the background. Sigh. I think I want to smack his face, but not as much as I wanted to smack Finland’s on Tuesday. That cunt.
Estonia
They’re doing that weird doll-like/automaton thing, which always freaks me the bejesus out. Stick it in the dumper with the magic tricks, I say. Still, on the plus side, one of the back-up men has an excellent fuchsia neck ruff and the leading lady is wearing a big curtain tassel round her waist. And the song is as catchy as something that’s very catchy. Like a hang nail. Or herpes.
Belarus
Oooh, hello gimmicks – fire! A xylophone! Light up mic stands! Good, good, good! Also, Belarus in pretty singer shocker! They have put forward some seriously hairy munters in the past – and that’s just the women (BOOM BOOM). This is a ridiculous song, obviously, but I quite like it. I wonder what moved them to call their song ‘I love Belarus’? Amazing how a dictatorship inspires such devotion.
Latvia
Fronted by a perma-tanned chunky Barrowman. The whitest rapping I have ever heard. But worst of all, it’s called Angel in Disguise and they didn’t even bloody have one on stage! An opportunity truly missed. Mind you two of the backing ladies were a little hefty, so might have been men in disguise – it was hard to tell.
Denmark
Predictably boring and not even the quiff and leather trousers can save it. AND THEN HE RUNS AROUND LIKE A NUTJOB AND REVEALS THAT HIS TOP IS BACKLESS. DOUZE POINTS!
Jedward
Best shoulderpads of the night. Remarkably understated.
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