2011 Semi final #1

Poland
And we’re off, with an explosion of white lycra and an excellent demonstration of that fabric’s versatility; 70s throwback suits for the lady backing singers, Beyoncé's Single Lady leotards for the dancers, and, best of all, a heavy metal-inspired ice skater costume for the lead singer (indecently short with metal studs all over her white lycra-ed boobies). If only she could sing. At least she can shriek. All in all, too much and yet not enough.

Norway
Backers in red satin and funky lady singer in gold playsuit with the largest gold ruff on her derrière – we can all understand why Vogue so frequently looks to Oslo for inspiration. The ‘haba haba’ refrain is catchy enough – I think it’s trying to be that novelty summer hit that will eventually drive a sane person to violence and murder, but about three months too early and not on heavy rotation in an Ibizan beach bar. Still Trondheim World of Cheese will probably purchase a copy. I’ll get that fiddler Rybek to put a word in.

Albania
Bridget Nielsen with red hair and, rather unadvisedly, a pink dress. She’s asking us to ‘Feel The Passion’, but I’m rather too distracted by her leathery décolletage – she’s tried to smoother it in glitter, but I’m afraid that can’t hide a few too many trips to Tirana Tan Booth. On the plus side, she’s the second singer wearing studs (in classic leather bracelet form), so that’s a Eurovij 2011 theme right there! Another theme is apparently terrible tuning and an inability to sing well.

Armenia
This year Armenia opt to dress their songstress as a sexy Father Christmas and have her walk out of a giant boxing glove. Oh I seeeeeeee - it’s a sexy boxer she’s supposed to be. Boom boom. (That’s the name of the song, by the way, but it does also helpfully illustrate a weak punchline.) Anyway, sexy Father Christmas strips to reveal ANOTHER studded white lycra iceskater dress. Boom boom shaka shaka! - as precisely no-one will still be singing.

Turkey
Turkey love their metal, don’t they? This year they’ve offered up a butch bald Jack Black-alike in daring tight green trousers, fronting an old skool heavy metal band – all sweat and hair (my favourite one has a brilliant tufty beard). Anyway, so as to not alienate the Eurovision audience, who might not appreciate all that guitariness, they’ve cleverly added a distracting lady contortionist in a globe cage. Mind you, on closer inspection, this actually sounds a little Abba-esque – I was just fooled by the band’s perms and facial tuft. At the end Jack Black pulls on a rope and a man dressed as bird appears. But of course. No idea what happened to the contortionist.

Serbia
Oooh, me rather likee. As many sixties clichés as you can fit in one number – fortunately minus Austin Powers, but including bold coloured tights and gallons of white eyeliner, daddio. But it’s all very groovy baby and our Serbian Twiggy can actually sing in tune and EVERYTHING. Also, massive bonus points for singing in your native tongue, love (unless that was English and her accent is even weirder than Lena’s).

Russia
It always amazes me that Russia don’t opt to be part of the Big Four/Five, then I remember that all the ex-USSRers wouldn't dare not vote them through. ANYWAY, 90s boyband explosion on scene – nice to see the choreographer who put Take That in studded pleather and got them to mop each others’ bums with jelly has found reemployment. It also starts out with our blondino screaming “DO YOU FEEL MY HEART EUROPE!” I don’t, comrade, but there’s nothing like a heavily accented nonsensical shout-out to get me on board. It’s a catchy pop number, but the main joy is that Russia haven't opted for a pretentious, overblown, droning ballad. Also of note: leather jackets which LIGHT UP AT THE BACK!

Switzerland
A Swiss miss who looks like a cross between Mila Jovovich and Marilyn from Home and Away does the first pared down number – just a simple girl and her acoustic band, cause it’s all about the music, you see. Ha! They do try to spice it up with a few shots of a not-unattractive double bass player and an unexpected use of the BBC’s 1988 weather cloud symbol on the big LED screen behind, but they can’t shake the obvious - this is pretty dull. Where Eurovision is concerned, it would advisable for Switzerland to avoid neutral - draw on your other influences, guys – I can see a great number making use of cuckoo clocks and Nazi gold.

Georgia
Now that’s better – Georgia are using the giant LED screen to create a church setting – all gothic and vampiric. How very Twilight. Serious fashion points here - the lady singer has sown a lime green sofa cushion on to the front of her skirt and, if that weren’t enough, the band are all sporting matching shoulder pads (*prays that will develop into a theme*). In addition, her voice actually has some power and the song includes surprise rapping with LADY RAPPING INTERVENTION. It may be a nu-metal throwback, but ye Gods, I quite like this one.

Finland
Hansel minus Gretel. Just him and his guitar, which frankly I’d like to shove right up his priggish little... Excuse me. But come on people - what a smug twat. He has a face made for smacking. His song is all about saving the planet and, frankly, it makes me want to charter the biggest fuck-off jumbo jet to Brazil and immediately start mowing down the entire rainforest, or, worse, go to Sainsbury’s and buy fruit exclusively grown in New Zealand. Take that, Al Gore.

Malta
Huh? Malta aren't putting forward a hefty momma belting out a ballad this year? Really? Poor Ciara – I imagine she’s consoling herself with a vat of ice cream and diva-esque thoughts of revenge. Nope, instead of lady lungs they’ve gone for the campest Malteser man they could find. He’s the terrifying spit of Frank Sidebottom and has the most over-plucked and Vaselined eyebrows I have ever seen. So, Mr Malta has insisted on PVC clad backing dancers (think Edna Mode in Gestapo chic) and his backing dancers may or may not be voguing man twins – either way, they finish with a stretched squat pose, so kudos. Am also awarding points for the first key change of the night – hurrah! Ultimately, though, Eurovij veteran Paddy O’Connell tweets it better than I ever could: “grindr may overload in the dusseldorf press centre”. Quite.

San Marino
Welcome San Marino! Is your country even big enough fit all the Eurogays should you win? The likelihood of victory seems low, mind, they’ve chosen a MILFy fox in a slinky and tasteful dress to front some dirge-by-numbers. *sigh*. Still, on the plus side, until now, we had gone ten songs without a ballad. I mean, I call them 'songs'...

Croatia
Magic is like clowns, I always think, bit eighties, faintly scary and ultimately unnecessary. And magic is the main theme here, as a Croatian Noel Fielding in a top hat, who appears to be both magician and DJ, creepily tries to seduce the blonde lead using his conjuror’s skill. Horrible. His main trick seems to be to lure lady singer into a hoop covered in streamers and get her dress to go from black to pink – this should impress, but, to be honest, I was too busy reaching for the remote control to turn her atrocious screeching down. Honestly, we’ve heard some BAD singers this semi, but this one takes the other terrible voices to a new level – she is AWFUL.

Iceland
Aha - Icelandic men in matching waistcoats and jeans. Like a half dressed barbershop quartet, only there’s six of them and they have musical instruments. One of them is fat. That’s basically it. I tried pretending there was some serious homoerotic tension between the portly one and the pianist, in a desperate attempt to make this interesting, but it didn’t work.

(At this point on BBC3, Blue were interviewed and managed to promote smoking. Brilliant. May you never be media trained Lee Ryan.)

Hungary
My God, what a terrifying lady! She’s a, er, mature blonde, wearing one-sleeved turquoise silk, with MASSIVE hair, a MASSIVE voice and a MASSIVE ring. On her finger. At first I thought she was about to launch into “and I'm your laaaaaaaaaaady” and go all power ballad on us, but then she started on about ‘life’ and it took an unexpected turn into tampax ad territory. At one point, given the previous acts, it struck me that her ability to just sing in tune was sufficient and there was no real need for the mime artists doing rubbish jumps behind her. Then they all turned out to be wearing LED clothes and I remembered that gimmicks are key. Well done Hungary. Also – a second appearance for costumes that light up! For me, two appearances a theme makes. Excellent.

Portugal
Tonight Matthew, Portugal will be the village people and the Scooby gang on a demo wielding flower power signs in a multitude of languages. It was utterly bonkerthon. I got quite into it to be honest.

Lithuania
Musical theatre by a brunette Katherine Jenkins who’s enjoyed a few pies in her time – good for her. I was transfixed by her smile – that type of grin is only achieved after YEARS of dedicated training at stage school. She also had fins on the bottom of her dress – what’s that about? No idea. It might have been an attempt at distraction from the dullness of the song. Un-unforgettable. I.e., forgettable.

Azerbaijan
The retch of desperation to win this is always so strong when Azerbaijan come on. So here we go again. Pretty girl, big hair, evening gown, yadda yadda yadda – she and her dancers start off in a queue and do that tried and tested ‘flailing bird’ move that makes the one at the front look like she has sixteen arms – this is what you have to resort to when you can’t afford a real bird costume. But what do you expect - they blew last year’s budget on a pimped up stepladder and these are cautious economic times. Still, they seem to have beg, borrowed or stolen a very powerful wind machine, which is always admirable. Oh dear, turns out this is a Keane-like duet. He wants to snog her. She doesn’t – she’s noticed he has a potato nose.

Greece
A promising dramatic opening scene immediately gives way to tedious serious hip hop combined with traditional folk – guys, we’ve been here before and it NEVER works. Yes, it’s performed by total fitties, but the problem is this: I CAN’T DANCE TO THIS SHIT. Hell, even the professionals can’t dance to this shit. Still, all my sympathies to Greece – they had no choice but to go all My Lovely Horse on this contest’s ass. Come back next year with your usual excessively unbuttoned white shirts and crazeballs dance routines please. Thank you bye.