2008 Semi final

Iceland: bimbo and butch blonde energetically rip off It’s My life.

Sweden: Oh Charlotte. She may be a Eurovij veteran, but she couldn’t move for botox. As one of our party guests commented: classic BOBFOC (body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.)

Turkey: leather-trousered rock snooze.

Ukraine: Men dancing in boxes. Head tossing synced with beeping noises. Silver-be-dressed Shady Lady in charge. The spirit of Ruslana lives on. Ukraine to win!

Lithuania: Gothic eighties Fabio-alike, complete with a top knot hair do, performs instantly forgettable lesbian power ballad. Partly redeemed by use of wind machine and leather trousers.

Albania: snooze-bian power ballad. Dull, dull, dull. She’s only 16? So what? Zzzzzzzz.

Switzerland: there were six women in my living room watching Paolo Meneguzzi sing and smile. We were all literally salivating. Stupendo indeed. Rrrrrrrrrr etc.

Czech Republic: Five models in silver leotards. Exactly as good/bad as you would imagine.

Belarus: the most interesting thing about this was that the performers were sitting on giant silver balls and would stand up now and again.

Latvia: PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Croatia: featuring an old man dubbed 75 Cents (see what they did there? Clever). So, an old man in a hat sang his modest song and a flamenco dancer wore a dress which was truly beautiful and – shock horror – utterly tasteful. I’m not sure I approve of such flagrant anti-Eurovisionism.

Bulgaria: break dancing, an LED belt, a techno/ska mash-up, a woman with a fan made of feathers and some decks which were on fire. I was actually mildly upset that this failed to go through.

Denmark: man in flat cap and braces sings MOR pop-rock song. Offensively inoffensive.

Georgia:
Me: Oh my God, she’s wearing her sunglasses indoors, how pretentious is THAT?!?
My flatmate: Errr, actually she’s blind.
Me: Oh.

Hungary: soccer mum wearing a dress made of entrails sings another non-descript lesbian power ballad. I preferred the Lordi RAWK! copycat year.

Malta: VODKA! This was truly excellent. A leather-clad feisty vixen singing about how great vodka is. That this didn’t get through is a TRAVESTY! I am so angry I am going to write a letter! SO THERE!

Cyprus: bit tango, lady’s massive coat made the costume change rather less than a surprise. Pfffff, what else to say about this one? Um, she had a really straight fringe…?

FYR Macedonia: a feat in engineering was demonstrated here, as former Yugoslavia’s most pendulous breasts were somehow poured into a gigantic steel-supported push-up bra; imagine a bowl full to the brim of flesh coloured jelly being jiggled about. Actually, better to imagine two bowls of… etc etc. However, any positive impact was destroyed by a shirtless fat man in a white waistcoat. Rapping. What a boob. At one point he came up close to her, stroked her face, leered at her knick-knocks and we all felt physically sick.

Portugal: big old Fado-tinged lesbo power ballad. Boooooorrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiing