2009 Semi final #2

1. Croatia
And we’re off! Out trot five lovely ladies in slinky LBDs and a young male lead singer – who clearly doesn’t have eyes for his backing girls, in spite of their foxy looks. It’s a Spanish-y dirge ballad, and he has a pretty weak voice, but they’ve upped the settings on the wind machine from ‘breeze’ to ‘tornado’ in an attempt to distract us. Oh, a lady in white has appeared (or possibly a costume change was involved and I missed it). There’s a lot of wailing going on here; the lyrics essentially consist of “ahhhhhh” and “AHHHHH”. Bof.

2. Ireland
Gone are the glory days – and they won’t be leaving semi-final hiatus with this one. It’s bad Busted with boobies, it’s merde McFly with melons, it’s sad Scouting For Girls with s… ach, can’t think of a word for breasts beginning with s.. sizzlers? But I’m more troubled by the fact that they haven’t even bothered to do the singer’s hair extensions properly (they are AWFUL – clearly they just nipped down to Claire’s Accessories, bought some plastic hair and sellotaped it to her neck). On the plus side - a lady drummer, a key change and some fabulously hideous laddered PVC trousers. On the down side – the music, the lyrics, the singing, the staging and the performance. Craic-p. (Like crap! Geddit?!?)

3. Latvia
Oh God! My ears! My brain! This is weird syncopated electro stuff. I liked the rumbling bass for the first nano second, but then it was like every bar was half the length it should be. (Hang on, why am I analysing the actual music like that’s the bit that matters?) OK, so the bit when random images are projected onto the backing girls giant sleeves’ is quite good, but the rest is shouty nonsense and it would be impossible to dance to this, or recreate it when singing in the shower. (A moot point, as no-one would ever want to do that in any kind of sane reality.)

4. Serbia.
Another experimental electro thing – how odd. The male backing dancers are wearing curly pointed shoes and doing break dancing. The lead singer has a massive waffro and looks vaguely like Hardeep Singh Kohli. There’s a weird doll-like woman sitting legs akimbo and all sulky, who danced with the guys, then sulks again. WTF? I don’t have a clue what’s going on, but I’m strangely transfixed… Aha – the subtitles inform me the chorus is something like “She didn’t want me, until I had pots of money in my pockets”. I *think* the performance is trying to convey that message. Somehow. It’s a shame this surreal garbage won’t make the final.

5. Poland
A ‘dramatic’ piano start and another lady balladeer starts wailing – pffff, she’s one of about five billon in this year’s competition. This one’s employing dirty dancing ballerinas and some ribbon waving rhythmic gymnasts to differentiate herself. Oh whatever, girlfriend. In the words of that bitchy scoundrel Craig Revel Horwood: D, U, double L.

6. Norway
Ring ring, ring ring,
“Trondheim Cheese World, good evening, may I take your order?”
“Hi, yes, I’d like cheese on cheese, with extra cheese, a side order of cheese and cheese, and some cheese.”
“Will that be it?”
“Some cheese to dip my cheese in and a packet of cheese.”
“Anything to drink?”
“Cheese juice. And vodka.”
“It’ll be with you in the Eurovision 2009 final, top 5.”
“Thanks, bye!”

7. Cyprus
Confession – I saw Sounds Like Teen Spirit this week, which was AMAZING, and I’m completely biasedly sympathetic towards Cyprus after seeing the adorable little Cypriot entrant, Yiorgos, come, like, 14th in Junior Eurovision. However! This stage school bratette going on about fireflies is not adorable – she is eminently slappable, and if she accidentally slipped off her (admittedly very cool) glowing, spinning light blocks, I would be not be sad at all. Yawnsome. (Go Yiorgos!)

8. Slovakia
Bluesy ballad boring male/female duo. At best you might say this sounds like a Slovakian Bond theme, because of all the strings, but that makes it sound way, way better than it is. Her: a high-pitched shrieky woman. Him: a broody dude who lurves himself. There is zero chemistry there – clearly they are arch rivals who HATE each other, which is always good for duetting on a love song.

9. Denmark
Co-written by Ronan Keating, the epitome of beige. And tonight Matthew, that’s exactly who the Danish singer has decided to be. This is dire. I didn’t sign up to this MOR dullfest. Where is the camp? BOO! RUBBISH! ROTTEN! FRYGTINDGYDENDE!!!! (OK, I just looked ‘ awful’ up in a English - Danish online dictionary, and I swear that was a genuine option.) The Danish always bring this non-offensive, non-descript, nothing music, and it always gets through. Bah humbug.

10. Slovenia
Again with the classical inspired stuff. Not great. And silhouettes in boxes is a bit last year, people. The intro seems to be going for most of the song… Jesus, more wailing! Is that this year’s theme or what? (Clue: the answer is not ‘what’.) Waaah-waah-waaaaaah,as Tyra might say, in imitation of a trombone and to denote failure.

11. Hungary
Whoa! Good start – an aerial shot of the lead singer lying down, his head in a lady backing dancer’s crotch. And pretty amazing costumes – that’s a very tight green and sheer, glitzy tank top with cut outs ON HIM. At least we’re finally seeing some traditional neon slutty Euro pop disco – though it’s pretty average. “Dance with me!” Meh. Maybe later.

12. Azerbaijan
Ha! They always go for the over-dramatic spectacle (well, twice now). Lots of big, stormy movements and pouting, and, er, an unexpected Latin sound to this male-female duet! Lady singer is waaaay out of his league… Except his league is clearly ‘boys’, so what does he care?

13. Greece
Oh here we go, here comes the professional. This is textbook Eurovision. White, tight outfit, lean tanned muscles, tall, dark and not-unhandsome; he’s dancing away to a winning club beat, he’s oozing confidence, HE’S NOW DOING THE RUNNING MAN ON A RAISED STAGE WITH A MOVING FLOOR WHICH THEY HAVE SEEMLESSLY INCORPORATED INTO THE DANCE ROUTINE! Somewhere, in a secret chamber on a tiny island, the Greeks have been growing this guy in a dedicated Eurovision lab and have distilled him right down, until he became the very essence of Eurovij. This cannot fail.

14. Lithuania
This, however, is beyond boring. The love child of Daniel Powter (who?) and Sean Hayes (who? Oh Wikipedia it) sings an unmemorable smugsome piano ballad. Yawn. Oh, he’s set his hand on fire for the end of the song. Bully for him.

15. Moldova
More sodding wailing. Oh enough! They should all just have a big wail off and the loudest can win. The lyrics seem to be ‘I’m a hora from Moldova’, her dress is Riverdance gone nuts, and – frankly - she’ll have her eyes out if she doesn’t get a bra on.

16. Albania
So there’s a green man on stage (like a blue man, only green and sequined), and he’s groping Tinkerbell. The sad truth is that this little slice of forgettable Euro-disco is comparatively good - for this year (which is not saying much, believe me). At least there’s an attempt to do something a bit leftfield and poppy and garner the Eurovision spirit. Even if that is dressing a man in a green gimp suit and having him feel up the tooth fairy.

17. Ukraine
Oh finally! Hello! Yesss! This is the stuff! The lead singer is a total lady-fox, she’s gyrating in a giant hamster wheel, there are half naked centurions all over the shop, she’s just flashed her spangly sequined knickers, which - incidentally - match her sequined thigh high boots, and is now grinding up against one of the spartans. I am *liking* this! Whoop whoop, she’s even drumming through the middle eight. Swoon! Thank Lordi for Ukraine; essentially recreating their last win - Ruslana’s mighty Xena Warrior Princess-inspired performance - but with a sexy Roman theme. WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! (Please!)

18. Estonia
Girl goth ballad. After anyone else this would have been average, after Ukraine it’s pants. If I were Siralun (*shudders*) I’d be all like, “Estonia, you’re fired!” Shame the bloody Eurovision audience disagree and out it through to the final. Let’s see if the juries can vanquish the Easty bias (oh – apart from where Ukraine are involved, obviously)!

19. The Netherlands
I’m confused. Holland has decided to send three old men dressed in glitter-ball suits to do an uptempo Eurobeat number. The spangles can’t save this! These men are aged! No chance.