2008 Final

And the rest…

From The Final

Romania: oh God, why another ballad? Substandard his’n’hers Disney duet.

UK: Even If… it were a really amazing song (which it’s not, but it’s a passable disco number), the UK still wouldn’t win.

Germany: I loved Daylight in Your Eyes, but now they're just an aging girl band without charisma or the ability to sing in tune. Sporting lycra ponchos. Just horrible.

Armenia: catchy high-NRG Euro-pop, funky tassle-y silver mini-dress, untranslatable shouts of ‘Qele, Qele’ and a dance routine involving human sculptures. What’s not to like?

Bosnia and Herzegovina: Alice In Wonderland-style fancy dress, a washing line, women dressed as brides, knitting, women dressed as brides knitting. In theory it should be All Good, but it’s actually quite boring.

Israel: Dear Eurovision Powers That Be, PLEASE BAN BALLADS NEXT YEAR.

Finland: Lordi minus latex. And minus hilarious puns like ‘A-Rock-Alpyse’ or ‘the Day of Rock-ening’. And minus a memorable tune. And etc.

Poland: when cosmetic surgery goes wrong. Skin that orange and plastic boobs that low? Sack your surgeon! Even Jodie Marsh wouldn’t put up with that kind of rubbish.

France: ‘It’s camp, Jim, but not as we know it’. Tolerable alt pop with high emphasis on the quirk factor – just not in a Eurovision way. He drove in on a golf cart, inhaled helium from a plastic globe and I just thought ‘bof’. *Shrugs shoulders, gallically.*

Azerbaijan: black PVC-clad gang lead by angry devil-man versus white satin-clad gang lead by peroxide dude with massive wings. The angel prevails, symbolised by the inevitable costume change. As subtle as the block voting.

Greece: perky Americanised paedo-pop performed by exhaustingly energetic Mickey Mouse clubber the other ones bully because she’s annoying. Sings ‘I’m not easy, but I’m true’. HA! WHATEVER!

Spain: I think what happened here is that a bunch of Spanish mates threw a house party and during said party, they did what any normal party drunkards would do: overdosed on sangria, dressed up in some Elvis wigs, chanted nonsense, tried counting out loud to (unsuccessfully) prove they weren’t pissed, accidentally hit the ‘sample tune’ function on an old synthesiser and danced around a lot. Someone filmed this on their mobile and it somehow became the Spanish entry – essentially a hangover we all have to suffer. This tactic is also responsible for Las Ketchup and the Macarena.

Serbia: I forgot to make any notes about this one. YouTube it and decide for yourselves.

Russia:
Catherine’s Ears: ‘come in Brain, we are hearing something a bit strange and unpleasant. Request our next move. Over’.
Catherine’s Brain: ‘come in Ears, receiving transmission. Now then, what is this? Well, it’s certainly not music, so I will not register it as such. Hmmmm, I’m perplexed by this unidentified sound and suddenly slightly sleepy. Oh hang on, I’ve got Eyes on line two. Eyes, you called? Yes, that hideously ugly, huge-nosed, mullet-haired creature on ice-skates you’re see is indeed a famous Olympic athlete – I remember him because he mings so highly. I agree Eyes, this is totally rubbish – he could at least do a triple salty spin or something. Right then, thank God that’s over. What’s next? Ooooh a cutesome Scandinavian pop song.’

Norway: bunch of charming blonde-bots perform some Scandi-pop-by-numbers - never a bad thing at Eurovij – with this year’s silver dress trend surprisingly bucked by some lovely electric blue numbers.

Let the not-in-any-way-dodgy-or-predictable voting begin!