And lo, all
hail Conchita Wurst. Our little Österreichy sausage did
riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise like a phoenix - to victory, flipping a beautifully
manicured V sign at intolerance and hate.
It was a great winner's speech too - you'd expect nothing less from a Miss Eurovision win. For me, Conchita nailed it by being a)
gimmicky, yes – she’s a skinny bitch diva with a perfect beard, but also b) she has lungs of steel. She power-balladed that Eur007vision song in a way that
took the audience completely by surprise, stunning Europe into voting their
little socks off. Even the Easties!!!
It was
actually a rather good year for actual musicianship (I know, I know) – the Netherlands took silver by
gleaming musical talent. They may have
missed out on the crown (and we may have missed out on Amsterdamage 2015), but
their iTunes sales are apparently rather healthy just now.
But how did
the Big Five do? Welllllllll....
Germany
Stocky Brigette
Nielsen and her lady-accordionist and lady-bassist friends churn out an
oompa-dirge. Are floral jackets with
leatherette patching plus tutus and leggings really all the rage in
Berlin this year?
Douze points for: performing directly after Conchita and not
just breaking down in “OH WHAT IS THE POINT?!?” tears.
France
DEUX POINTS!! DEUX measly POINTS!! Robbed!!!
I loved this one, and not just because of my Gallic blood. I found it hilarious, irreverent, catchy... and who can resist hipster irony outright eating
itself. Not only did TwinTwin have an
excellent dance routine (Guitarists one and two swap places, then the entire band walks
stage left, then stage right. And repeat.), but it involved three twins! Twin 1: triangle waffro. Twin 2: curly receding hairline mullet. Twin 3: erm, black. Anyway, the three twins of TwinTwin can
totally join my Lena and Pollapönk pub crawl. (Though I concede they may get a
leeeetle bit annoying after, oooh, five minutes?)
Douze points for: moustache love in the year of
the beard.
Italy
All rawk screech
and no trousers: buongiorno upskirting. Mind you, if you’ve seen Italian TV, you'll know that lady buttocks are not an unfamiliar sight. Not
even excess kohl and a Cesar headdress could save this hot mess.
Douze points for: Pffff. Um. There
was a keytar on stage.
Spain
Ex-X Factor
senorita Ruth Lorenzo absolutely belts it – apparently she bust a speaker in
the press room. And no, that wasn't actually greasy, unwashed hair, but a wet look to represent THE RAIN THE RAIN THE RAIN.
Douze points for: THE RAIN THE RAIN THE RAIN.
United Kingdom
Oh Molly – it had
all the potential, but just fell a bit flat at the final hurdle. It was my favourite song pre-contest, but
the performance was just a bit too rabbit-in-headlights – possibly she was shocked by the sudden realisation
that she’d allowed herself to be styled in a head-necklace, Rum Tum Tigger
shawl, golden tinfoil space dress and slutty Grecian sandal-boots, all matched with
an essentially motionless ‘I’M MEDITATING LOOK AT ALL THIS HENNA’ dance
routine. Shame.
Douze points for: being OH SO close. Maybe next year...
As for our
hosts...
Denmark
Thing is, we
mocked Belarus for the cheeseycake dance routine and Robin Thicke (total dick)
rip-off-ness, but this... well, I’m not
convinced it’s so different. Maybe it’s
more at the Bruno Mars' end of wearing a suit and man-dancing.
Douze points
for: Denmark striking the right balance between looking like you’re making an effort,
but definitely not being so good that you might risk having to pay for the
whole thing two years in a row.
· There was an extensive build up for... a racist joke about Asia.
· But I still fancied Pilou.
· Hello glow-in-the dark ladder dancing!
· To a folk-choir cover of Ode To Joy.
· THE EUROVISION THEME IS TE DEUM, DUDES.
· Oh well, Ode To Joy still a Europe-y song, innit.
· In your face, Farage!
· I’d like to visit the Eurovision Museum PLEASE.
· Lise turned out to be a WEIRD Facestalker.
· And tried to feed Molly a poisoned cake from “Borough Market”.
· The camera panned the crowd and THERE WAS A WOMAN THERE!
There was also an
excellent moment when all the performers joined together on stage and TwinTwin dance-sandwiched Emelie de Forest, Slovenian flute lady brandished her flute at one
of the Polish harlotty lovelies, Ukraine and Armenia had an IN YOUR FACE RUSSIA
boogie and Conchita lip-synced at the Russian twins, whilst Eurovision Royalty Man Johnny ‘I have a
melty plastic face these days’ Logan looked on. THEY
MUST DO THIS EVERY YEAR.
Time for a quick aside about the voting? Oh go on - I'm no fan of the televoters' general taste, but it's not on for the UK to (depressingly) phone-vote for Poland more than any other country, yet for that to not even register on the UK's scoring. The jury-televote balance needs to be redressed, even if that does result in BOOB SUCCESS. *sigh*
But overall, a brilliant year. To Conchita and beyond! See you next year. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Vienna.
GOOD TIMES!
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