May Countdown to Copenhagen: memories of Athens 2006

HARD (pause) ROCK (pause) HALLELUJAH.

HARD (pause) ROCK (pause) HALLELUJAH.

Sure the monstery masks were gimmick gold, but we all know you don't win Eurovision on costumes alone – this was some catchy RAWK.  

Oh Lordi!

Yes, the day of Rockening hit Athens in 2006 and Europe fell hard for the Arockalypse – cue glory for Lordi and the first heavy metal winner.  But underneath the amped up guitar action, Hardrock Hallelujah ticked many tried and tested Eurovij boxes: fire on stage (coming from their guitars, no less), hints of patriotism (a jauntily perched Finnish top hat atop the prosthetics), Scandi-lously high platform boots (that made Agnetha's look sensible), a slightly obscured backing singer who was probably doing most of the voice work (she still got her monster on though) and a major costume change during the middle eight, as Mr Lordi's wings extended before us all. And who needs key changes when you have AN AXE FOR A MIC STAND!

I'd say it put the UK entry to shame, but, to be blunt, the UK entry - Teenage Life by Daz Simpson - put itself to shame.  A middle aged painter and decorator 'rapping' amongst school 'girls' played by women some way off school age, caked in levels of foundation that TOWIE girls would baulk at. The song's philosophy was that teachers were sooooo old they didn't know how to have any fun (those with teacher friends will raise an eyebrow at that one) and that there was no point in school, because it taught you nothing, so you should just be nice to children and that would end crime.  Daz put himself on a pedestal as the proof of such a life's success – having failed to obtain A Grades, he was now “driving fast cars” and was “five stars”.  I'm not au fait with the charts these days, but I have a sense that critical acclaim and record contract domination wasn't entirely forthcoming. 

No, if you're going to do BAD, you follow Icelandic Silvia Night's lead and commit to a level so WTFesque that one can only conclude it is nothing short of MAGNIFICENCE. 

There's too much to describe really - the best plan is to just watch, but I will make a special mention of Silvia's phone call to God though: "What's up dog? It's me, Silvia, Your favourite person in the world."  And when she unexpectedly takes a "golden shower".  And when she slides down a giant shoe.  And when she is stripped of her clothes whilst faux-orgasming. And when her backing dancers do the hand-to-ankle-hand-to-ear move in Bermuda shorts and fringing. And when she makes said dancers crawl on the floor in gimp wrestling masks.  And when... SERIOUSLY, ALL OF THIS STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENS! 

Frankly though, the most WTF thing of the lot is that she failed to reach the finals and was roundly booed off stage.

Truth is, Silvia Night is a fictional, satirical creation played by an Icelandic actress, designed to showcase all that is awful about the awful. She kept in character throughout EV week, swearing and insulting her way through the rehearsals and interviews - publicly calling Swedish Eurovij stalwart Carola "an ugly old bitch" and calling the production team "fucking retards" during rehearsals.  You'd think that might have ruffled a few feathers in and of itself, but, perhaps even more incredibly, the journos thought she said "fucking Greeks" and went on a tabloid takedown frenzy - hence the boos from the home crowd. (Cause it's not cool to take a pop at the mentally unwell, but it's UNACCEPTABLE to criticise the Greek worth ethic - I mean, ask Angela Merkel.)

One last special mention to Cyprus - well maybe, anyway. I do not remember the song AT ALL, but I do remember my friend Anj serenading me on a very packed tube train with a Cypriot song - it *might* be this one. His performance included pelvic thrusting around the tube poles, getting down on one knee, pretending to face the wind machine, and - of course - a key change. 

GOOD TIMES!