May Countdown to Copenhagen: memories of Helsinki 2007

Helsinki 2007

Here’s Wikipedia’s take on Serbia’s 2007 winner: "Moltiva was the first time a ballad has won since televoting became the standard.  The song is notable for its stage presentation because it lacked dance routines, revealing or showy costumes, pyrotechnics and other gimmicks. The Eurovision Song Contest is often accused of concentrating on these things instead of the music itself."

Marija throws her glasses off as the modulation kicks in

Or, to put it another way, YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN.  Because the main problem with Serbia’s Moltiva wasn’t the Balkan balladness or the lack of bizarre showmanship – it was that it was a bit of a boring dirge.  Music wasn’t the winner here!  (Perish the thought.)  Don’t get me wrong, there’s still some joy to be had at Marija Šerifović’s super caj, Bieber-haired, lesbian-at-a-wedding, bespectacled get up (Heels? My trainers will be fine, thank you Euro judges).  And I did enjoy her terrifying army of imperial sash and suited fembots - with their apparent penchant for curling tongs and stroking (Wikipedia might not think there’s a gimmick at play here, but this performance is how I imagine the show Touch The Truck, only in musical form).  

From what Wikipedia’s implying, in Serbia, Moltiva has a similar status to Candle In The Wind over here – it gets wheeled out at ‘important’ emotionally charged moments.  More fabulously though, Wikipedia has let me know that “the UK oompah band Oompah Brass recorded an instrumental version of "Molitva" on their album Oompocalypse Now, which they premiered at the 2007 Belgrade Beer Festival.”  I can’t find it (*sobs*), but here’s an excellent rendition of Nine To Five.

Would you like something to suck on for landing, sir?

Anyway, if Europe was a bit gimmicked-out, the UK chose the wrong year to throw up a reformed bubblegum pop group dressed as air hostesses, oozing out fake tan, non-stop camp and innuendo.  Personally, I loved Scooch’s Flying The Flag - it made me chuckle heartily.  Although I accept that such dependence on auto-tune might not have translated too well to a large stage.  Or a TV audience of 100 million Europeans, with limited understanding of English language puns.  

It came 22^nd with a measly 19 points, although Malta gave it twelve points.   The really interesting story though, is that Morrissey could have represented the UK in Helsinki – JUST IMAGINE.  The rumours on that one veer from him refusing to take part in the televoting selection show to him simply not having been approached in time to write something.  (Amazingly the rumours don’t include him saying the whole story is total rubbish.)  I love Mozz and mourn the sad loss of what would have been an amazing opportunity for us all.

We can only speculate as to whether Morrissey would have rivalled winner Marija (durrr, YES).  Instead, Serbia's main threat was a high NRG earworm from Eurovij experts Ukraine.  This one, well, again, it speaks for itself.  It’s elderly bacofoil drag queen time, with a song quite blatantly telling Russia to piss off, all to the sound of heart-attack inducing BPM.  Singer Verka Serduchka doesn’t quite have the breath to get through the dancing, but she does make it to the key change.  It went down a treat in the hall and Europe love it too – just 33 points away from the win.  Russia came third and promptly annexed Crimea.   (Well, I say 'promptly'...)

GOOD TIMES!