Malta
The Maltese Von
Trapps, cause they're all siblings YOU SEE – though given that they look not at
all alike, I'm thinking there were a range of wombs involved in their making.
It's inoffensive folky pop, where the climatic moment is the lead brother taking
hold of a mini guitar and starting to strum – HIGH DRAMZ.
Douze points
for: yer Malteser spinning his double bass (yes, that's barrel scraping right
there.)
Israel
A sturdy
Jewish Kate Winslet who smokes fifty a day (that is one deeeeeep voice). Her
lady backing dancers have all the charm of trained assassins - in leotards. Now there's an idea for an HBO series.
Douze points
for: the incomprehensible lyric “I'm skinning you out.”
Norway
A Viking, clearly unused
to having his beard groomed, sings something akin to the theme from The Bridge. It's
rather haunting, actually - which means I have no jokes.
Douze points
for: being *whispers* quite good.
Georgia
Awful – and not
in a hilarious way. It's the musical equivalent of being at Shit Georgian
Woodstock on the worst LSD trip ever where your only 'friends' are a mulleted
accountant, Hippy Grotbags and a dude inexplicably attached to a parachute.
Douze points
for: the BBC subtitle team and the hilarious, yet accurate, descriptor: “HE
YODELS”.
Poland
Oh yay, let's
watch feminism take a Polish smack in the face - with a catchy song, to add insult to injury. In case the song's lyrics, encouraging Slavic women to “shake what their mamas
gave them”, wasn't enough, the 'let's reduce women to their tits' message is
reinforced by, oh look - reducing women to their tits, whilst carrying out
domestic chores. Brilliant! It's basically
Nuts styling Little House On The Prairie. “Ooooh look at my boobs churn butter”
said the Milkmaid. “Ooooh look at my boobs mangle laundry” responded the Washerwoman. Truly
depressing.
Douze points
for: No.
Austria
At least we can
take solace in the thought that those still thinking about taking the image of Polish Washertits to their (blatantly single) beds with them, to have a polish of their own, were suddenly confronted with a more complex image
of feminine beauty. Welcome Eurovision legend to be, Conchita Wurst – the drag glamazon with the perfectly
manicured beard. And man, the beard can sing. Conchita knocked it out of the arena with a soaring orchestral
number: Eur007vision. (And we all know that if Eurovision really did
do Bond, the love interest would be exactly this: a stick thin ladyman Kim
Kardashian with immaculate facial hair.)
Douze points
for: looking like Jesus in a ballgown and singing like Burly Chassis herself.
Lithuania
More dub step –
but they've upped the shouty, as well as adding a leather tutu and plastic hair
with a static life of its own. The lady singer also has her own dance gimp and
electric blue rubber leggings, so it was impressive stuff really, given the chaffing potential.
Douze points
for: single-handedly funding Vilnius' talc industry.
Finland
Entirely
assexual teenage guitar boyband. When they grow up they want to be Coldplay.
For now, they are a sixth form garage band in shiny silver jackets.
Douze points
for: deciding Eurovision is the best place for a band where the target
demographic is 100% pubescent girls.
Ireland
All the
elements of Riverdance performed by the cast of Towie. The Irish Eurovision
glory days (including My Lovely Horse) seem very, very far away.
Douze points
for: the scaffolding behind her Wond-O'Bra. That is quite some push-up on her
Jedwards.
Belarus
Little makes me
chuckle like the Belorussian take on Western 'cool'. This year we've got the
Belarussian Robin Thicke singing the following lyrics:
“Once I gave
you one more chance
You showed me
dance.
But I’m not
Patrick Swayze
You’re not
Jennifer Gray.
I lost my train
of thought
When you called
me 'My sweet Cheesecake'.
I look over
Google Maps trying to escape
Cause I’m tired of being your sweet cheesecake”.
Douze points
for: DID YOU NOT READ THOSE LYRICS?
FYR Macedonia
If you saw
Tuesday's BBC3 footage, you'll have met singer Tijana at halftime, where she stole the
backstage show by mocking Scott Mills ("SHUT UP Scott!", "No, it's TiHHHana
darlink!") and being generally hilarious. This didn't translate quite so
well to the stage - she gave it her best shot, but a low cut lesbian tux and
sapphire Pat Butcher earrings can only take you so far.
Douze points
for: letting a man in a tracksuit run amok then do some ballet.
Switzerland
All the gays on
my Twitter feed swooned in unison at the hotness on show, but I found him way
too smug-twatty to be fanciable - cause it's important to exercise character-based
quality control when you're lusting after a Eurovision singer. (Ahem.) I was
also faux-OUTRAGED when he picked up a violin in an attempt to channel
Alexander Rybek and to mask the unsavoury nature of his lyrics: "
Douze points
for: a hip-swaying tambourinist so eye-wateringly cheesily awful-terrible that
it completely compounded my brain and might have the best thing Eurovision has
ever seen. (Editor: no.)
Greece
Objection! Young men in leather jackets giving dancefloor shout-outs and rapping in a Hackney accent to a Crazy Frog backtrack is
NOT what I expect from my Greek Eurovision, even if there is a man trampolining
in the background. Where are the aging Alpha pop males clad head to toe in tight white (via deep V
chest reveals)? Where is the lithe ADHD pop girlie strutting around in a mini-dress? That's what I expect and it is simply unfair for Greece to not provide it. At least I’m not quite so sad that Cyprus
won’t be there to give this their usual twelve.
Douze points for: the large triangular
bolo tie. How 'street'.
Slovenia
Styling nicked straight off Queen
Narissa from Enchanted – but why shouldn’t our Slovenian
flautist/evil godmother wear an electric blue ballgown made of the purest acrylic satin
substitute? BECAUSE THIS IS EUROVISION AND YOU USUALLY CAN'T MOVE FOR ONSTAGE FIRE!!! Health and safety risk = HIGH!
Douze points for: one time at band camp I
stuck a flute...
Romania
I had high hopes for returners Paula and
Ovi after their 2008 double-piano stormer, but this didn’t quite reach those
heights – even though they tried to recreate the magic with a circular keyboard. But I did like the bit when Paula - still SO out of
Ovi’s league - performed the Phones 4 U hand signal as part of her dance
routine.
Douze points for:
when Ovi stopped playing the circular keyboard, but the piano sounds remained.
Voting time
entertainment: brought to by an Australian smorgasbord and Eurovision 'entry' which wasn’t
strictly part of the competition (thank goodness – it was well botchy, in spite of the Oz Love for Eurovij). That was followed by
Eurovision fans dancing - having auditioned via YouTube. I’m not bitter that I missed that brief, oh no - I’ve
already been on the telly dancing at Eurovision (which you might not know, as I never really mention it), so... yeah, whatevs.
The
results: Malta (siblings!); Norway (haunting beardy!); Poland (Carry On
Feminism!); Austria (Conchita Wurst!); Finland (little boys band!); Belarus (Google
maps and cheesecake!); Switzerland (hot but twatty!); Greece (trampoline rap!);
Slovenia (evil fairy flutemother!) and Romania (circular piano!). Booooo to losing Lithuania (pleather tutu!). Semi final #1 was better, but still much
promise for the final on Saturday.
My
heart says UK to win, my head says look at the betting (the Netherlands - who I’ve
got in the sweepstake. Yessss!) and my funny bone says the French moustachios
to make me chuckle.
GOOD
TIMES!
No comments:
Post a Comment