From dirgy overblown ballad winner to dirgy
overblown ballad – but with added Soviet ice dance! Dima Bilan donned his tightiest-y whitest-ies
and unbuttoned an extra button for Russia to finally achieve the big win they’d been long
bribing the judges gunning for. Time
for total mullet domination, big time homoeroticism and the world’s most depressing game of shag, marry, kill.
Mind you, those familiar with Olympic multi-gold medallist Evgeni Plushenko (the power of his skate only rivalled by the size of his nose and ego) will find this Eurovision performance a bit of a disappointment compared to what he gets up to in his day job. I mean hello and hello. And HELLO.
Meanwhile, the UK put the Uniform Dating dress-up box aside and opted instead for disco binman Andy Abraham – who consequently bombed to a very harsh 25th place. Even If might not be a stone cold classic, but it’s quite some way from the worst song in the world - and is certainly a catchier number than winner Believe.
Fortunately,
there were plenty of other highlights in Belgrade – Latvian pirates, a Bosnian bridal convention,
Ukrainian Shady Lady
pop brilliance (ANI WOZ ROBBED) and France and Spain competing in I-don’t-care-about-the-kray-kray.
Of course my
personal highpoint was when I bitched to a roomful of Eurovision party-goers
that I disapproved of the Georgian
singer’s blatant pretension – I mean what kind of twat wears sunglasses
indoors? I was quietly informed that she
was, in fact, blind.
GOOD TIMES.
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