Willkommen in Wien, beeyatches!
And it’s Conchita - who else? - willkommening us to the show, clad in Ikea lampshade-structured skinnybitch white and urging us to once more Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise Like A Phoenix - this time accompanied by such Viennese clichés as a swirly stringed orchestra and aristocratic Viennese Waltzers in synthetic non-fireproof wigs. OH THE EXCITEMENT ETC.
In what is probably my favourite-evah Eurovij news, proceedings on the Beeb are being co-hosted by accent-and-abbreviations-fan Mel 'Mel and Sue' Giedroyc - who was simply wünderbar throughout. (She even made the less-than-enthusiastic Mr Cad nearly enjoy the show.) May her contract to do this forever be iron-clad and legally binding on pain of death - what’s the licence fee for, if not this?
Let’s gloss over the three Austrian lady-presenters (who are as awful and charisma/chemistry-free as, well, any other Eurovision host), briefly quickly express some sadness that we are without my (probably) favourite Eurovision nation, Ukraine, this year (for fairly obvious reasons - let Ruslana lead the way to peace and EU membership), and just crack on, shall we?
Ja wohl!
Moldova
Imagine a shiny-teethed, PG-rated, Moldovan Kid Rock, surrounded by gyrating backing dancers dressed as a Halloween hen weekend where the theme is ‘Sexy Cops’ - yup, someone's bulk-bought a selection of PVC hot pants. But at least it’s equal opportunities objectification, as Moldova is quite happy to put their male folk beefcakes in spray-on cycling shorts, alongside their thrusty, toned ladeez. The song is a total rip-off of a recent chart hit, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you which one, as I’m too old for the hit parade these days and all of my pop knowledge is gleaned from what I hear over the tannoy when I’m browsing in Dorothy Perkins.
Douze points for: costume theme work - sadly, a 2015 rarity going by tonight’s semi.
Armenia
OK, who had 'smoke machines' at nineteen minutes in? Basically, Armenia have sent five members from the Yerevan Medieval Role Play Society, to repeatedly warble-scream out the words “DON’T DENY” at Europe, whilst gorgeous be-cloaked and be-face-jewellery-ed vixens stare at the camera and attempt to indoctrinate Europe into their Prog Rock cult through the medium of loud but sensual chanting.
Douze points for: the excellent work by said vixens in avoiding their lesser-attractive male counterparts’ attempts at surreptitious hand-holding during the song.
Belgium
Perhaps a little more excitement from Belgium than we’re used to - albeit, such ‘excitement’ taking the form of a clean cut young man, who was probably spotted at a church choir or Young Politicians convention, before being Gok Wan-ed into wearing a stripy pink shirt and asymmetric three-quarter length suit. Still, he's happy to perform an array of highly individual dance moves, backed up by Dental Nurse Fembots (hello niche) whilst singing “Rrrrap rrrrap rrrap” for a good three minutes. After Armenia’s endless “don’t deny don’t deny don’t deny”, it seems our main theme is the repetitive lyric, rrrrap rrrrap rrrap, which is particularly disappointing, when you think that it might have been sexualised police officers.
Douze points for: Dance moves such as ‘faceography’, ‘lyingdownography’, ‘DentistFembotography’, etceteraography.
The Netherlands
And lo, the repetitive lyric theme continues; this time it’s “why-aii-aiiiiiii” times a gazillion, prompting such questions as “why-aii-aiiiiiii is our lady of the Netherlands wearing black pantaloons and Oxford sub fusc?” In a new twist on the Bucks Fizz undressing theme, she begins in a black lace face mask, before ripping it off to emote her “why-aii-aiiiiiii”-ing all over the camera. (Someone on Twitter also queried whether she was actually a Geordie, which = proper lolz.) The best bit was probably her UV knuckle tattoo which spelled out “L.O.V.E” - it seemed *so* quintessentially Eurovision that I literally can’t believe it hasn’t been done on every Eurovij ever, ever. (Perhaps it has. I'm usually drinking heavily at this point.)
Douze points for: our lady having the Dutchest name there ever was: “Trijtje Oosterhuis”. AMAJJJING.
Finland
Eurovision’s shortest ever song (some might say mercifully), shouty, guitary, punky and performed by guys with developmental and learning disabilities - which I realise sounds like a way off-colour (indeed unacceptable) sarky remark, but is actually a statement of fact.
Douze points for: apparently starting the song with the lyric “The song title is on your screen” - though I concede that could be down to subtitling confusion.
Interlude as Conchita (now christened ‘Concheets’ by Mel - hello payrise) swans through the Green Room dressed in Maggie Thatcher Does Navy Blue Drag Queen Jumpsuit. She looks phenomenal.
Greece
Well, it’s Greece, so we all know what to expect; there will be sexy and it will get through to the final regardless of song quality - Eurovision just isn’t Eurovision if Cyprus and Greece don’t get to give each other twelve points somewhere along the line. Usually song quality (‘quality’ hahaHA) isn’t much of an issue, as Greece are an exemplary Eurovision nation, but this year’s power ballad snoozefest in a dangerously slitty dress is nowhere near our usual Greek vintage. Syriza have a lot to answer for, it seems.
Douze points for: the whole budget going on tit tape power-adhesive and incredibly carefully targeted wind machine directionals.
Estonia
I appreciate that not many of you will also be avid listeners of French Radio London (it goes on when I’m washing up too loudly to hear Radio 4), but this is basically an Estonian version of what FRL seem to play 60% of the time. They’ve opted for a couples perf: he has a large guitar and a vinyl wig, she has a rather high voice and some Superdrug Girls Aloud fake eyelashes, but mainly they’re giving intense mutual eyefucking a right good go. It mostly comes off as I WANT TO KILL YOU-esque staring, but well-done for trying.
Douze points for: the pre-song commentary: "Stig Rästa is one of the best-known song writers in Estonia", which frankly made me PMSL.
FYR Macedonia
At last, an exciting outfit display: ladies’ detective mac For Him, bowtie cravat made of gaffa tape, and a nearly-twirly perfectly groomed moustache. Songwise, it’s a rather terrible attempt at singing, but this remains a perfect example of why you should never skip the Eurovision semi finals - obviously it didn't get through, but one’s cultural experience of Euro-life is poorer without such ridiculousness getting all up in yo’ brain.
Douze points for: employing three seriously burly square-shouldered bouncers to be your unexpected back-up singers.
Serbia
Serbian fatty Bojana starts with a yawnsome ballad which entirely expectedly ‘unexpectedly’ turns into a high NRG dance tune. Mirroring the musical events, Bojana’s backing dancers get to go from ‘sinister flag waving white priests in phantom masks’ to ‘what the dance floor looks like when a group of office workers end up in a club at 3am on a Thursday’. Bojana herself is probably too trussed up to risk a costume change (I can only imagine the under-rigging), so stays true to My Big Fat Gypsy Eurovision throughout.
Douze points for: singing dressed as one of those creepy loo roll dolls off the eighties.
Hungary
Last year, Hungary’s song ‘Running’ was an up-tempo dance number about domestic abuse. This year, Hungary’s song ‘Wars For Nothing’ is a slow-tempo power ballad about wars being for nothing and people never getting to see daylight because they’ve been locked up for crimes they didn’t commit. You can’t really fault the message, but wowsers it’s depressing, until you discover it’s sung by a lady whose name is ‘Boggie’.
Yep, Boggie.
That’s ‘Boggie’ everyone.
Boggie.
Douze points for: BOGGIE!
Belarus
Another couple for our televisual pleasure: this time, man sings dance number whilst the lady fiddles in the background (on her violin, you total perves). Mind you, she does go for the most overtly sexy violining possible - the bowing is totally second to hair flicks, hip thrusts and smizing. Tyra Banks would be well proud.
Nul points for: Sadly I can’t give this any points, douze or otherwise, as it wasn’t about cheesecake.
Russia
Oh here we go, Russia singing about peace AGAIN whilst the Eurovij producers desperately cover up the inevitable boos with some canned applause.
LIKE, COME ON.
Douze points for: *secretly bloody loves this one*
Denmark
An instrument-playing boyband called Anti-Social Media (GEDDIT, ffs) who liken themselves to The Beatles - cue some major Lucy Watson eyeroll. Props to the one in the white polo neck and blazer though (as if I needed any more proof that I truly don’t get ‘the kidz’ these days. Though surely watching Eurovision is enough to know that.)
Douze points for: very possibly out-cheesing Rybak. (Yes, him of “I’m in lurrrrrve, with a fairytaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale” fame). I didn’t think we’d ever get more gorgonzola than that one, but...
Albania
Tis truly the year of the cloak! This time in the form of some excellent diamante shoulder cape action. (Even Edna Mode would be partial to this one, I'd wager.) Shame the rest is nondescript female ballad action with highly dubious tuning. I predicted Albania to be the first sure-fire immediate exit. So, obviously they made it through.
Dix points for: second best tit tape power-adhesive and carefully targeted wind machine directionals, after Greece.
Romania
I spent most of this performance googling how to spell ‘brooch’, because I truly couldn’t believe that was it. (It took the John Lewis website to persuade me.) I now realise that was Romania’s very clever tactic to distract us all from a) their singer’s perfectly shiny pate, and b) the entire song.
Douze points for: regardless of spelling, that brooch was amazebrooch. Who needs a tie (or hair) when you can accessorise with a rhinestone scorpion badge?
Georgia
Turns out we needed a pleather chaps and shorts combo with feather-shoulders goth styling shrieking Georgian Evanescence at the gays. Think lady Jon Snow from Game of Thrones meets something out of Flash Gordon and you’re more or less there.
Douze points for: use of kohl.
So there we go – obviously it was brilliant (mainly thanks to Mel), but who made it through, you ask? Well, Armenia (Prog Rock cult!), Belgium (Dentalbots!), Estonia (Vinyl Wig Eyefucking!), Serbia (Big Fat Eurovision!), Albania (Glitter cape!), Georgia (Lady Goth crow!), Greece (Slitty wind machine!), Hungary (Boggie/No wars!), Romania (Broochgate!) and Russia (Russia!). Secret hoorays for Russia, but I can’t help but feel some disappointment in Europe’s propensity to support dirgy choral ballads over sexy policewear and bowtie gaffa tape cravats.
Also problematic: the Austrian refusal to implement long theatrical pauses when revealing the finalists; seriously, they just read out the countries like the football results on fast forward - efficiency over suspense is not the Eurovij way. Simon Cowell may produce much unwatchable shite, but we should all acknowledge his use of the dramatic power pause. Listen and learn, terrible lady presenters.
In the meantime, two things to look forward to for Semi Final Zwei: guessing which political leader Concheets will decide to channel, and MORE MEL! Hurrah!
Bis bald, as they say!
(Sorry Romanian Brooch Dude.)
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