Well. WELL. What do we all make of that then?!
And
the winner is...
Like the rest of Europe, I’m jolly glad Sweden made
it in the end. As much as I loved Russia’s A Million Voices (and my YouTube
history will attest to that), Moscow 2016 was not a prospect any of us relished,
given the current climate. Better to head back
to Malmö (or whichever Swedish city wins the hosting crown) for 2016 –
especially given the increased likelihood of Petra Mede hosting a gay wedding and some dancing meatballs.
More on the song part of proceedings later (fun
enough, albeit not a vintage selection), because I want to focus on my
FAVOURITE bit of the night, when Vienna 2015 truly came into its own...
The
Scoring
AKA: AMAZING.
Sure the scoring is always a highlight, what with
the dodgy technical feeds and varied Euro-accents and haircuts on offer, but
this was a veritable rollercoaster of point giving, throwing the Eurovision
manual for point attribution right out the window (apart from France and the UK
doing terribly, OBVZ).
WTF
#1
The real shocker, of course (indeed, I’m not sure
I’m over it) was Cyprus and Greece not giving each other the douze. I mean WHAAAAAA?!?! (My twitter went all caps for that one, such
was my WTF confusion.) I realise
neither song was up to much, but that's never stopped the Cypriot-Greek
lurve-in before. It truly made me doubt
the very fundamentals of civilisation as we know it. Still, the world hasn't seemed to have stopped
so we're probably ok - for now. But if we don't
get mutual douze-ing in Sweden, I'm investing in a bunker and a pig shit
umbrella shield.
WTF
#2
Then there was dissension in the gas ranks, as some
ex-Soviet states lost the longstanding memo and didn’t bow down and hurl the
12s at Russia. It felt particularly
ouchy when Latvia snuck in a sneery ten, but Lithuania didn’t even bother with any Russian
points at all. AT ALL!!! Ukraine must have been watching on with at least a small sense of schadenfreude. At least Russia can always
count on ‘good old’ Belarus and Azerbaijan to douze it.
WTF#3
Even the non-scoring bit of the scoring bit had its
moments, and, in spite of the rest of their terrible TV work, I really enjoyed
the two bitchiest Austrian presenters diving straight into the world of Eurovij Faux Pas and not even bothering to hide their disdain
for gimmicky score-giving or techy issues, simply cutting any distorted feeds straight
off, with no attempt at patiently waiting for the crackle to inevitably continue. They were like a fancily dressed guillotine to wacky-shirted show-off revolutionaries - all Viennese Mean Girls. But I see their point - we live in the era of wifi
and Facetime, people! How is your highly
expensive satellite feed not working?
Queen
Conchita
But the best bit was Concheets in the Green Room, swanning
in on the glamorous moral highground and protectively defending Polina from the
anti-Russia boos, like a Eurovision Mother Teresa. It must be noted that poor Polina did look
very emotional and terrified at the rising fury of the crowd as she took the
lead - almost like her choices in life were a) Eurogay vigilante justice, or b) her
family being held on the edge of a gulag ready to be chucked in should she not
win... or something. But in stepped her
Knightess in Shining Trouser-suit, la Conchita Wurst, publicly proclaiming Polina
a wonderfulbeautifultalentedartist, worthy of Europe’s respect. The subtext was clear: "back off bitches. Yes, Putin's a homophobic dictator
shit-trumpet, but my “we are UNITY” speech was a fucking Eurovij classic and
certainly doesn't exclude gorgeous skinny blondes I want to swap makeup tips
with". Concheets is just the bomb, isn't she?
London
Calling
And then we were treated to Nigella wonderfully
showing off in three languages, trussed up and swaddled into a blouse last seen on a minor
royal in the eighties, which I'd bet serious cash Concheets had her eye on.
Sure Nigella was a little nervous and shifty-eyed, but I’ll leave all
that to American immigration to look into.
BUT
WHAT ABOUT THE CONTEST ITSELF?
Oh yes. Believe
it or not, it was Latvia who struck me most on second hearing and got my vote. Clearly I’m a sucker for a red dress on a plinth
and a song which goes: high-pitched
breathy something something something, THEN SUDDENLY BELLOWS "YOUR
LOOOOOOOOOOVE..."
And what about the ones we hadn’t heard before? Over to you, Big 5, hosts and special guests,
Australia... Let's do dis.
France
A Gallic lady with something of the agony aunt about her howls in a post-apocalyptic wasteland until, eventually, some drummer boys in
flesh coloured Morph outfits arrive, bringing with them some CGI garden
skills. Incredibly, France garnered a
whole 5 points for this (merci Armenia and San Marino), which is an
incomprehensible five more points than facial hair tribute, Moustache by Twin Twin, managed last year.
Nul
points for: I’m half-French but even I can’t defend this.
United
Kingdom
Look, we only have ourselves to blame for sending charisma-lite
unknowns singing a jingle and doing some scatting. Actual scatting! *sigh*
Douze
points for: There’s still a chance for the song to redeem
itself as the backdrop to a cracking charleston this Strictly. Fingers crossed...
Australia
I was 100% pro Australia being in the contest this
year, and they didn’t disappoint - taking it seriously enough to send a catchy
proper pop song sung by an actual popstar, even if he was dressed like a
Wimbledon linesman, with a velvet finish. If that had been the UK, we'd have been subjected to someone out of Home and Away in the nineties warbling over a lost Stock Aitken and Waterman demo, which had been lost for a reason.
Douze
points for: Of all the LED extravagance available on that
giant screen, you’ve got to love a country that decides it’s street lights and
Nintendo Gameboy city-by-night graphics they want up there. Probably their budget went on the flight over.
Austria
A plinkly plonky dirgy Coldplay rip-off by... well, the styling in the band varied from 'popstar Mormon chic' to 'eighties heavy metal
scarf and bleach work', via 'classic Spinal Tap', so make of that what you will. (And yet Europe nul-point-ed it! *fake shocked face*)
Douze
points for: They did set fire to a grand piano. Flame-work might not have been a major theme this
year, but, like costume/key changes and wind
machines, on-stage fire does remain a major staple of Eurovij timelessness.
Germany
Most of this song was the singer performing with
her tightly lycra-clad bum to the audience, before turning around to reveal a
terrifyingly low cut décolletage and boxing champ belt. Europe remained impassive and this got a
grand total of nul points, which didn’t seem entirely fair.
Douze
points for: Ass work.
Spain
Poor Spain – this was worth WAY more than 15 points
and a 21st place. Why, you
ask? Well, I’ll tell you. We start with FHM Senorita Roja Riding Hood
(no black cloaks for the Big 5, we go RED) sitting on a leather clad man, who -
let’s be blunt - has ample time for upskirting, as she gets up and de-hoods,
whilst the wind machine cranks up to seventeen.
She’s then held back from launching herself into the audience by him grabbing her giant
red train, as she waves her hands about her face a bit, before the red
cape-dress is pulled off to reveal her dressed in some kind of see-through She-Ra
outfit, complete with leg slit and sexy Roman lace-up drag-boots. She then wafts around doing power poses, like
she’s Storm off X-Men, before her man returns and they do some ballroom dancing
and lifts (note to interested parties: he is topless). She ends up singing from his shoulder, before
pushing him away, and going back to controlling the weather. She climaxes
(THE SONG) on a bench. How that was only
three minutes is entirely beyond me.
Douze
points for: You just read my review, right?
Italy
Popera from three very-well groomed Italianos, one
of whom has daringly opted for plastic red-rimmed specs. As you’d expect, the popera is all harmonised screams
of “AMORE”, earnest glances and heavy guitar backing.
Europe apparently couldn’t get enough, which... surprised me. Perhaps it was because it had something of
the Vatican priests calendar about it.
Douze points for:
Mr Cad, calling them Three Fivers. BOOM BOOM.
Interval Act
If I'd been in charge
we'd have had Conchita in a nun's habit doing the first 15 minutes of The Sound
Of Music (all the parts). Instead we got
15 minutes of mass drumming, though one
of them did have a giant sledgehammer to bang his drum with, which was something, at least.
Then Conchita got to do not just one, but TWO
of her new singles, which weren’t quite Rise Like A Pheonix-esque, but she was
playing to a verrrrry friendly audience and wearing a top made out of
mirrorball shards, so, you know, ALL GOOD.
So long, farewell...
And there we are – all
over for another year (*sobs*), unless you’re into Junior Eurovision, which...
I am not. Sweden are an exemplary
Eurovision nation, so we’ll be in fine hands there. Let’s just hope the Big 5 don’t throw a WHY
DOES NO-ONE VOTE FOR US, WE PAY FOR THIS FOR GOD’S SAKE, WE’RE GOING TO TAKE
OUR BALL AWAY AND THEN SEE HOW YOU GET ON YOU CHEAPSKATE COUNTRIES OF EUROPE
strop. And I do sympathise. I mean, wanting the UK to win isn’t even in
my Top 50 reasons for loving Eurovision, but it would be nice to be able to get
behind an act and song who can garner at least *some* points and give us even
the merest hint of hope that we’ll get to host Birmingham or Milton Keynes 2017. We
live in Europtimism.
Anyway, thanks peeps! I’m off to listen to the
Russian entry again (shhh – don’t tell anyone). Till next time! Cue Te Deum.
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