Vienna 2015 – Semi final #2

Welcome to Semi Final Zwei!  A friend had warned me that things didn’t kick off until Song Nine, and yegads, was he right.  Yes, for me, it took a whole eight numbers to get going - the first half felt like I was drowning in a sea of duo-dirge.  Even Mel and Scott glittered up to the eyeballs and disco tits wasn’t quite enough to raise the roof, until Israel arrived with their special brand of insanity (more on that later, viewers).  So hurrah for that!  I should have known to keep the faith that it would always pick up eventually - now let us swim through the dirge onto better shores...

Lithuania

Duo #1: perky Lithuanian times.

Tuning issues aside (dear GOD), these two somehow managed to look rather cute, despite donning a lilac suit (him) and a papier-mâché piñata dress (her), which bore more than a certain resemblance to a multi-coloured Big Bird costume.  Their chemistry was in the region of ‘oooh I’ve spotted someone on the wedding dance floor I might quite fancy, so let’s go in for some jokey-banter dancing, seeing as I’ve had seven glasses of prosecco today, and see if there’s a snog on the cards.  And there was!  On stage kiss ahoy.  (Appropriately chaste, mind - the whole thing had a PG vibe about it). 

Douze points for: the backing dancers also going in for some same-sex snoggery (less chaste - clearly knowing their audience).

Ireland

Apparently still firmly committed to the My Lovely Horse policy of not wanting to risk the cost of any further hosting duties.  An Irish lovely whisper-crooning at the piano in a fake woodland is all very well and worthy, but frankly, we miss Jedward star jumping.

Douze points for: the clearly mis-subtitled lyrics “I made the mess in your vision" - up there with "where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the... wind".

San Marino

Duo #2: the awkward teenage years.

And I thought Lithuania had tuning issues.  Imagine slightly dated, am dram, budget Disney and... you’re there.  (Another year, another no show for San Marino in the final, then.)  Still, well done for trying - most of the population must have already represented SM by now, so we should accept that the performers' gene pool is starting to look somewhat limited, and they probably had little choice but to sacrificially offer up their children.

Douze points for: I’m always a sucker for a hilariously terrible talky bit, especially in heavily accented euro-English.

Montenegro

Turns out it doesn’t take a duo to churn out tuneless dirge - an old Montenegrin man with a fabulously awful nip and tuck job (I’m sure I saw a staple by one of this temples) can do it alone!  Though I did enjoy how he was inexplicably accompanied by a gang of stern looking ladies pretending to be robotic seagulls, one of whom had borrowed Mr Romania’s giant brooch for her headpiece.

Douze points for: singing in Montenegrin.  Of that, I APPROVE.

Malta

It’s bad enough when someone nicks your gimmick, but to steal a song title?  Harsh.  Poor Malta had to put up with being the second (and second best) “Warrior” of the competition, after Tuesday’s sexy-scary Xanadu gothette from Georgia.  Your Malteser did her best to work the Angelina Jolie Leg dress she’d been given, but it might have been more effective had she learned to control her spanks from sneaking out.

Douze points for: the Maltese sound engineer, quick on the reverb during the more, erm, challenging notes.

Norway

Duo #3: the cool ones. (That’s ‘cool’ by Eurovij standards, obvz.)

Him: disappointingly un-Scandi-looking.

Her: Carol Decker does Lorde on Stars in their Eyes.

It’s all very earnest and big-hair-don’t-care, but, hold the presses people, for these two can sing in tune.  THEY CAN SING IN TUNE.  A Eurovision duo miracle.

Douze points for: the Romanian head-brooch is doing the rounds – Lorde-weigan had no qualms about borrowing it from Montenegrin Seagull lady.

Portugal

What’s that I hear?  A beat.  A beat?!?!?  Surely not!  My brain can’t commute Portugal not doing melodramatic string-led I’m on the verge of topping myself fado - especially not when it’s being sung by a slim, youthful vamp with Lady Diana train-length sleeve capes and the shiniest PVC trousers she will have no choice but to be cut out of.

Douze points for: *KEY CHANGE KLAXON* Cue a noticeable murmur of pleasure in the auditorium.

Czech Republic

Duo #4: and the dirgiest of the lot - all black leather and emotional shrieking.

Douze points for: There’s one highlight, and that’s when she awkwardly takes her heels off and throws them across the stage for reasons which remain unclear.  (I'm guessing it’s either the foot pain or the fact that she’s pretty much his height with them on, and you can sense his manhood feeling threatened.)

Israel

Look, it doesn’t start promisingly, as a slightly mole-y looking guy in a suit walks through some smoke waves, warbling.  And then you notice his shoes - massive golden trainers with literal wings hanging off them...  THEN BOOM!  In comes a beat and some terrible street dancing, all to truly masterful lyrics like “Pull me baby, I’m your trigger/ You know that my love is bigger” and “I’m a golden boy, come here to enjoy/ And before I leave, let me show you Tel Aviv.”  I’m *guessing* Tel Aviv is supposed to be a euphemism...

Douze points for: many reasons, of which I will now quote a few: 1. Finally getting the pardy started.  2. A group dance move involving a pelvic thrust and a body ripple which none of them can really do.  3. Closing the song with a wink, the line “We gotta go. Three minutes. Bye bye”.  *applause*

Latvia

A young tattooed Sinitta dressed as a scarlet mermaid in a hypnotic headdress does some swirly arms and shouting.  It sounds bad, I accept, but it’s rather great (and I don’t *think* that’s just because of the sea of duo-crap which came before it).

Douze points for: A song which I will actively listen to again.  Maybe.

Azerbaijan
Well we've still got some duo action to deal with, but this time it’s in the form of a couple doing contemporary dance, whilst the singer stands around like a lump/third wheel. #awks  Meanwhile, the dancers thrust and jump around wearing matching tie dye nappy trousers, with an acrylic Sia wig for her and a dog collar and gimp lead for him.

Douze points for:  The basis of the choreography, which was 'Gollum imitates a toddler having a mega-strop'.

Iceland
They've very sweetly let Iceland's prettiest twelve year old wear her Skipper pink fairy bridesmaid dress on stage, and perform breathy karaoke to the crowd, with no concept of pitch, or fear that beaming away whilst singing about being "broken" might not work too well.

Douze points for: the five adult backing singers hidden in the shadows, carrying this shit-show.

Sweden
Just another league.  ‘Seriously hot man fist-bumps a cartoon character’ doesn't sound like a winning combo, but... It's brilliant.

Douze points for: all of it.  Malmö 2016, surely.

Switzerland

It starts off all smoke-filled floors, lady drummers, and the high priestess of Zurich on lead vocals, wearing smouldering incense and giant black robes.  Spooky times.  Of all the black cloaks (and we know there have been many) it’s definitely the Swiss miss who gets the biggest one - and it’s quickly clear why, as she suddenly throws it off to reveal a glittery white wedding dress, before singing about her eagle (or possibly her ego – hard to decipher).

Douze points for: opting for staging which is basically all of Meatloaf’s videos in Eurovision form.

Cyprus

Yawnsome geek chic, as man in fake NHS specs croons under a spotlight looking earnest - it starts all low key acoustic and graduates to saccharine orchestral string accompaniment, so there's something for everyone, provided that everyone enjoys boring cheese.

Douze points for: allowing a handy loo break in proceedings.

Slovenia

Technically another duo, but they’ve hidden him (the actual husband to her wife) behind a piano, which is smart.  She’s dressed like a tired and emotional bride who’s nicked the DJ’s headphones, and sings like a nose-blocked Nicki Minaj, with mercifully fewer ass references.  (I quite liked this.)

Douze points for: she’s accompanied by a lady-matador doing air violin, which COME ON.

Poland

So let’s recap our 2015 themes: black cloaks, repetitive lyrics, duo-dirge, head-brooches, major tuning issues and wafty white bridal-esque dresses.  Poland opted for the last two.

Douze points for: Mel, pointing out Polish lady-singer’s Vorderman’s resemblance.

And that's it!  We’re done!  Will Europe vote wisely? (Ish.)  Will the Austrian broadcasters opt for some dramatic pauses when they reveal the finalists? (Mercifully, yes.)  And who will get the last ten places? (Let’s find out....)

So: Lithuania (piñata kiss duo!), Montenegro (nip’n’tuck man!), Norway (Ginger Lorde and friend!), Israel (“Pull me baby, I’m your trigger/ You know that my love is bigger”!), Latvia (Sinitta mermaid!), Azerbaijan (interpretative dance!), Sweden (peerless!), Cyprus (dull specs!), Slovenia (headphones!), Poland (Vorderman!).

The bookies seem to favour Sweden, Russia, Italy and Australia, so I’ll opt for those as the ones to watch (seeing as the only winner I’ve ever tipped was Loreen, and that was SUCH a no-brainer).  I'll also be happy enough to see Latvia and Slovenia again.  Not long to go now peeps.  HAPPY EUROVISION!