Well, I’m sure I’m not the only Eurovision fan to think that was a disappointing semi (though fortunately not in the context of getting Boyko the Bulgarian backing dancer back to one’s hotel room and finding him a little drunker than initially feared - as I’m sure some other fans will have experienced).
Just far too many insipid, forgettable ballads and not enough hilariously imaginative staging, crazy costume changes and insane camp dance routines. So boo to all that! Come on Europe, up your game! It’s almost as if you thought it was a song contest?
Well then, as everyone but Boyko would say – on with the show!
Lithuania: At least this rather lovely aging boyband have the right idea. They kick off an uptempo number (yay! For the record, points tonight will be essentially awarded for NOT BEING A BALLAD), using mime to denote instruments (bet there were catfights over who’d get to play the air flute), wearing tight tops and tartan trousers. Hmmm, I wonder what will happen to them by the end of the song? It’s funky, but quite knowing and somehow it’s a little too – and this is not a buzz word you usually hear at Eurovision – professional. *shudders*. Still, we like it enough, and then we LOVE it, as they predictably rip off their trews to reveal tiny sequined silver pants, and get down to some serious bum wiggling.
Armenia: Ballad #1 and already I’m zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The song is called Apricot Stone, so they’ve put a massive apricot stone on stage – GEDDIT? It’s rubbish – it looks like a big orange pouffe. Meanwhile, an Armenian Angelina Jolie in half dress, half jeans, pouts away, doing that breathy wailing thing, relying on some serious pushed-up bra action for support (ha!). I have to admit, they are (both) quite something – I haven’t seen cleavage definition like that since Eva Herzigova caused traffic chaos throughout middle England soliciting hellos for her boys… And fortunately Angie’s breasts are mostly enough to distract audience members from a terrifying Maradona-alike doing contemporary dance leaps, about to suffer a groin strain.
Israel: Ballad #2 and oh God please make it stop already, noooooooo etc. Attractive man black suit slow song so sad so emotional overacting fists clenched bum clenched blah blah blah there we go strings kick in inevitable loud wailing bit more yelling etc etc etc crowd go nuts I’m off to get pizza. AWFUL.
(P.S. I’m not sure, as I was quite busy shouting ‘END THIS NOW’ at the TV, but the lyrics might have been “something something something Yitzhak Rabin”. To be confirmed.)
Denmark: Well, they’ve cranked up the dry ice machine, which is always promising, but sadly we have to suffer a rock-ballad-love-duet void of any chemistry, despite best efforts to create sexual tension by separating him (eighties man) and her (nineties woman – hellooooo BOTOX) with the use of a) a shadow screen and b) a two-direction conveyor belt. You’d have thought that all that machinery-aided gimmickry would help, but it’s still a shocker and there was so much on-stage clutter that they had actually to run to another part of the stage to get to where they’d plonked the wind machine. Mind you, I quite liked that bit.
Switzerland: I’ll declare an interest here. Not the singing in French, though *obviously* there are always bonus points available for use of native language (point of debate though, should it only count if Switzerland use all three?). No, I’m biased because Swiss singing man was interviewed on the BBC on Tuesday and he was effing hilarious - all coy-camp, totally out-flirting Sarah Cawood and promising to perform covered in gold body paint if he made the final. He didn’t here and the song was an instantly forgettable mid-tempo disco number (in French), but it was at least a 1,000,000% better than what came before.
Sweden: COME ON SWEDEN, YE EUROVISION GODS, HOPES ARE HIGH! OK, female popstrel – check. Blonde – check. Pretty – check. Singing about ‘my life’ – CHECK! Hang on, what’s that? An acoustic guitar? She’s playing… a guitar… Huh? What? Where are the lamé-clad backing dancers and the techno beat? Does. Not. Compute... It’s quite nice, really, and – surprising from a Swede - we get to play mock-the-foreigner, when she sings “Strike an i-ron and attack my soul”. Bless.
Azerbaijan: Ballad number… oh I’ve lost count, and the will to live. This is the bookies’ favourite, and Azerbaijan have gone all out to win – getting a well-known Swedish songwriter to pen the thing and Beyoncé choreographer to stage it. That particular contribution seems to have been to put the lady-singer in a hundred inch heels and make her walk down a neon-stepladder. “And that will be a billion dollars please - or your GDP, whichever’s more accessible.” Needless to say, this is shit. I can’t even get excited by her lacy electric blue half-glove. Please, Europe, please don’t let this win. *sobs*.
Ukraine: So traditionally Ukraine are pretty much always my favourites – I don’t need to explain why - their back catalogue is exemplary. I mean, who could forget last year’s use of thigh high boots and lady-drumming? But this… this… this I hated from the very first guitar strum. Now I realise that that may seem a little premature, but I am a woman of principles, and the principle is this: if Ukraine don’t pull out a variation on the theme of leather bikini tops/mini skirts, furry waistcoats/boots, superlative whip choreography and female-led percussion, then it is unutterable garbage. This is no place for an acoustic guitar! Poor Ruslana – what must she be thinking? Her legacy - DESTROYED!!!!!!
Netherlands: in its defence – it’s not a ballad and it was written by Papa Smurf. I think this was supposed to be an homage to old skool Eurovision and Holland’s attempt to recreate the successes of time when being in western Europe didn’t automatically negate Euro-domination. Effort is all well and good, but the sad reality is that fully grown humans pretending to be doll-like automations is always creepy and a Dutch Karren Brady repeatedly singing “sha-la-lie” over a hurdy-gurdy is just very rubbish.
Romania: Now *this* is more like it! There’s a transparent double-piano with LED legs on stage! (Like Dr Doolittle’s push-me-pull-you, only with keyboards rather than llama heads. But of course.) Ooh yes, this is catchy. Gentleman-pianist is pretty non-descript, but who cares, as lady-pianist is a total fox - that is one tight’n’shiny black PVC catsuit. My oh my, she’s going to have to be mighty careful when she peels herself off that piano stool. Oh and there you go! Up they get to dance to the last third of the song – a welcome twist on the Westlife school of getting off your stool after the bridge, to add ‘poignancy’. Any remaining doubters should also note they also have backing dancers with bustles and real life fire on stage. In conclusion, hell yeah – high fives all round! (NB: Ukraine take heed - that’s what I wanted from you, only with more drums, some whips, and a cage.)
Slovenia: This is *weird* - and that’s by Eurovision standards. It’s a mash up of an accordion-based folk number and “Tonight Matthew I’ll be doing ‘Your Love Is Like Bad Medicine’”, in which Jon Bon Jovi serenades a young girl in red poncho over what I can only hope is Slovenian traditional dress. We’re all glad it’s not a ballad, but there’s no two ways about it – it’s awful.
Ireland: Former winner Niamh Kavanagh (class of ‘93) steps up and before she’s even opened her mouth the audience go nuts. They LURVE her – and we do too. In this context, the ballad (specifically the overblown, pan-pipe heavy, dignified Celtic ballad) has its rightful place. Awesome. Big hair, wind machine, modulation – this is how it’s done. Or at least, was, in the nineties. As a T-shirt in the crowd proclaims “Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1993.”
Bulgaria: Now I know I’m anti-ballad, but irritatingly, Romania aside, the up tempo numbers aren’t doing much to ease the pain. This performance does employ angel wings, but they didn’t grow out of a dress halfway through the performance, so that’s a waste of time. It’s always nice to see a white leather jacket and a touch-your-toes V jump, but it’s a bad sign when those are the highlights. Sluttiest-dressed dancers of the evening though, so well done for that Bulgaria. No wonder Boyko gets lucky.
Cyprus: What’s that? The Cypriot entry is fronted by a Welsh guy with band members from Scotland and England? Hmmm… *strokes chin*… I smell desperate times and desperate measures – this is clearly a surreptitious attempt at UK victory under the guise of a more palatable country. It has to be - how else can you explain the purpose of Josh ‘Charisma Vacuum’ Dubovie and that JOKE of a song Waterman clearly found at the bottom of old bin bag marked ‘Not even fit for the Reynolds Girls’ (at least Webber took it seriously – he got Putin on board, FFS.)? I’m convinced it’s all an elaborate strategy – à la Father Ted and My Lovely Horse -, divert UK’s support away (err that would be Greece and Ireland then), because no-one would actually be insane enough to vote for the bullcrap we’ve put forward - and help Cyprus win – that way we get the glory and we don’t have to pay for London to host it next year! It’s a rubbish tactic, of course, but I literally can’t see any other explanation for ‘That Sounds Good To Me’.
Croatia: Back to ballads – and what a load of ballads this one is as well. Three ladies this time – former losers Feminem – wailing in not-quite-unison and wearing those tacky dresses that have big trains at the back, but are short at the front; “It’s like classy at the back, but sexy at the front”. No, Feminem, it’s like gross at the back and hideous at the front.
On a completely unrelated note, ‘Apricot Stone’ right is trending on Twitter at this point, which is amazing really, seeing as that song was a) rubbish and b) about twelve performances ago.
Georgia: This was probably one of the better ballads, but that’s a bit like saying I would rather eat live beetles than live spiders. It starts with the leading lady pushing two of her male dancers towards her groin, which is wishful thinking on her part, if you ask me. That’s borne out by the subsequent homoerotic dance routine, where there’s a lot of man-on-man grappling and the men throw each other around the stage – the acrobatics seem pretty good, but, inexplicably, the Norwegian cameras are focused on the attractive Georgian girl. Go figure.
Turkey: Drums! Scratching! Bass! RAWK! It’s all very nu-metal – apart from the page boy looks of the lead singer, but we’ll skirt over that. The band rocks out and somewhere in the background a female Robocop welds (metal), then strips (off her clothes). This will completely win over all 13-15 year old boys, who, combined, make up precisely 0% of the total Eurovision viewing base. But there is something kind of brilliant about that.
And, that, my friends, is that. Thank GOD it’s over. Honestly. I feel drained! Someone get Boyko and me a drink.
So Armenia, Israel, Denmark (WTF), Azerbaijan, Ukraine(?!?!??) and Georgia though (boooooo), as are Romania, Ireland, Cyprus and Turkey (not boo). The Lithuanians and their pants woz robbed – apparently by the Norwegian presenter, who closed the show wearing a pair of sequined boxers himself, which was hilarious, and utterly restated our faith in the Eurovision dream. Dirge aside, I CANNOT WAIT FOR SATURDAY! In a perfect world, Greece, Romania or Iceland would win. As for who will win…. Well. Tough one, but I’m going to call Armenia or Israel, though Belgium might do well. It’s all so exciting!!! xoxo
Additional reporting by Victoria Bryan
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
2010 Semi final #1
Albania: A man stands on a spinning disc playing an LED violin and a girl in a metallic PVC tutu and blue suspenders gyrates and sings. Oh look, there’s a man pelvic thrusting at his saxophone. (At this point my boyfriend texted to say he’d had enough and was turning the TV off – the fool!) A stomping show opener. Applause utterly deserved.
Russia: SNORE. AWFUL. DIRGE. ZZZZZZ. There is a momentary highlight, when the guitarist does a talky bit and says “What are you doing man?” and the singer responds – in ‘song’ – “Looooooking at herrrrrr photooooo…” and pulls out a ratty bit of paper on which there is a hastily sketched line drawing of what I can only assume is a woman’s face. (You can imagine that conversation backstage, can’t you? “Where’s the photo Sergei?”, “Boris has it.”, “No, Vladimir has it.” “No, Aleksandr has it.”, “Oh shit, anyone got a biro?”) Anyway, (forced) applause utterly not deserved – but what do Russia care, they’ll always pull in the ‘please don’t cut off our gas’ vote.
Estonia: My favourite thing about this odd yet likeable band of male singers, who sport crushed velvet jackets with Hermes cravats and have a performance style partway between a barbershop quartet and Kraftwerk, is that they are called Malcolm Lincoln, after a genuine response given by a contestant in the Estonian ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’, in answer to the question ‘who was the 16th President of the United States?’. Get that contestant on Family Fortunes pronto!
Slovakia: So the gimmick here is that the backing dancers are all dressed like Lord of the Rings/tree people. It’s dull – even the plastic snakes used as whips can’t save it, let alone the entirely unsurprising ‘surprise’ appearance of a fairy godmother type in white, who would have done a better job of hiding if she’d stood on stage wearing a sign saying ‘Please ignore me just now, and pretend I’m not here – because I’m going to come on at minute two and surprise you…. Surprise!” Amateur.
Finland: A tiny blonde lady with a massive accordion (and her identical friend without) perform scary folky oompa music. Teeth, tits and terrifying.
Latvia: “Now what should I, Aisha, mature Euro diva and Latvian pop royalty, wear whilst performing my Eurovision song about ‘Mr God’? My favourite peach silk mini kimono and f*ck me Roman sandals, you say? Will that match my lived-in skin complexion and massive lungs? (Oi! Easy! I said *lungs*, people.) Yes! Perfect! To the stage, darlinks!”
Serbia: Milanamania – it will catch us all. I was all ready to mock the famed Serbian sensation Milan Stanković (possibly the fugliest man I’ve ever seen) with his bright blond bowl haircut and Tintin face, dancing around in his glittery ringmaster’s coat and ‘singing’. But it was, of course, a total winner.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: A man, not unattractive to straight woman, in a red velvet jacket on stage? Promising. Oh wait, what’s that? The sound of a cock rock number void of humour and musicality? Next!
Poland: The gimmick here is eating apples on stage, which is different, true, but hardly up to the pizzazz of using fire-eaters and leather clad whip wielders, or making the shape of a ‘1’ out of your backing dancers WHEN YOUR SONG IS CALLED ‘MY NUMBER 1’. Now *that’s* a gimmick. No, this is just a bad crooner, who looks like a shiny-suited business man fresh off the tube and on his way to Karaoke Box, fronting a sinister bad contemporary dance version of what is probably Adam and Eve, but looks more like Hansel and Gretel, albeit with stripping and a death scene.
Belgium: Ever at the cutting edge of excitement, Belgium go for the Ronseal approach to Eurovision, with one man (and what a lovely geeky-type man he is too) with a guitar, singing a song called – would you believe - ‘Me and My Guitar’. It’s nice, and he sounds like Kermit if his voice broke (Kermit that is, not the Belgian) – I’ll let you decide whether or not that’s a good thing.
Malta: I was all ready to dismiss this; another big Maltese lady, another big Maltese ballad – basically a Maltese entry by numbers. Until… HER DRESS GREW WINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I am a seasoned professional Eurovision viewer (don’t try this at home, kids), and my eye has been expertly trained to knowingly pre-empt the twist in the Eurovision tale, but neither I, nor my equally professional co-viewer, noticed the grown man in silver tights wearing the gigantic angel wings hiding behind the lady Malteser until he choose to reveal himself. (And he revealed himself a little too much when we got a close-up shot of the silver tights, if you know what I mean… And you do, cause you’re filthy).
Albania: Mature Euro diva number two – I’ll be honest, I love a mature Euro diva. This is one foxy lady, in a sensible black trouser suit, but with suitably crazy glittery shoulder pads, just slugging her guts out to a gooooood Gnarls Barkley-esque pop number. Thumbs up.
Greece: Mmmmm, is that the sweet smell of butch pop testosterone? I think so! Instantly brilliant. Man, every year, the Greeks just bring it. Bring what, you may ask? Well, generally, they bring an aging Greek pop star, dressed in white, specially cultivated and nurtured in the Athens Eurovision lab, set them on stage - and let their genius flourish, preferably including a self-administered percussion interlude. An amazing pop number. Not Hell(enic)ish. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!! OPA!
Portugal: Aha, the lesser known youthful Euro diva. Mind you, she’s probably a bit too sweet and naturally beautiful to qualify as a real diva. She’s gorgeous, the big floaty dress is gorgeous, but the song is a dirge-y bore. Did her dress turn into wings? No. Rubbish. (EV geeks will also note that it’s odd to see Portugal opting for a mainstream pop ballad, rather than their usual attitude of ‘we know no-one else in Europe really likes fado, but we do, so sod the lot of yer, here’s a lady wailing some’.)
FYR Macedonia: Our song is utter tripe – what’s our tactic? Nudity.
OK, let me tell you this, gothic lap dancers of the former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia - a vag flash is not acceptable, even at Eurovision. (OK, OK, there wasn’t actual genitalia on show, but it was just one flimsy pair of leather pants away, er, away. Ew.)
Belarus: Hello? Did they find the attractive Belorussian? My God, they did. Even more surprising – he has four similarly attractive Belorussian friends. Quite a gimmick by their standards. The song, however, is an awful ballad on a par with the Russian entry. The only thing that could save this would be the ladies’ dresses growing wings.
…Two minutes later…
WHAAAAAAAAAAT? DO MINE EYES DECEIVE ME? THEY’VE ONLY BLOODY GONE AND GROWN WINGS ON THEIR DRESSES!!! Seriously – two performances in one night where dresses don’t get ripped off to reveal mini skirts, but actually grow wings. Amazing. Malta must be seething that Belarus copied them! Or did Belarus get shafted by Malta? What a palaver. The spies have been busy on the Eurovision backstab grapevine. Someone get Marple on the case. And someone else get me a dress with wings.
Iceland: the lights go low, the sound of synths, a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig woman approaches the mic… And BAM! No, not an inconvenient volcanic eruption which brings the world to its knees (*insert forced laughter here*) – it’s a massive Icelandic lady getting her mature diva on. A Eurovision classic is born. Loved it.
And that’s it!
In conclusion: a classic semi-final, with the main theme apparently ‘dresses wot grow wings’. We also counted eight violins – very Rybek-a-like, so that’s clearly this year’s copy-catting.
Am pleased that Albania, Belgium, Greece, Iceland, Moldova, Serbia and – at a push – Portugal (Westie bias) got through and well done to Belarus for winning the battle of the winged dresses. I am, naturally, vein-poppingly furious, but unsurprised, that Russia and B-H made it – both total shockers, and not in a good way. And am sorry to see Latvia and Estonia go out.
Thursday’s second SF threatens to be a ballad heavy snooze fest – am hoping some of the slowies will fall. As for the final, I’m hopeful, but I won’t be relying on the Big Four for too many kicks (when do we ever?!). On the basis of the previews, the UK will be the usual outright embarrassment, Germany - nice and mainstream, Spain aren’t opting for their usual olé olé flamenco vamos a la playa über-Espania number, which is very unusual, and France seem to be opting for a less-than-wise ragga porno number. Mon dieu!
But on the strength of SF#1, so far so good. CAN’T WAIT. xoxo
Russia: SNORE. AWFUL. DIRGE. ZZZZZZ. There is a momentary highlight, when the guitarist does a talky bit and says “What are you doing man?” and the singer responds – in ‘song’ – “Looooooking at herrrrrr photooooo…” and pulls out a ratty bit of paper on which there is a hastily sketched line drawing of what I can only assume is a woman’s face. (You can imagine that conversation backstage, can’t you? “Where’s the photo Sergei?”, “Boris has it.”, “No, Vladimir has it.” “No, Aleksandr has it.”, “Oh shit, anyone got a biro?”) Anyway, (forced) applause utterly not deserved – but what do Russia care, they’ll always pull in the ‘please don’t cut off our gas’ vote.
Estonia: My favourite thing about this odd yet likeable band of male singers, who sport crushed velvet jackets with Hermes cravats and have a performance style partway between a barbershop quartet and Kraftwerk, is that they are called Malcolm Lincoln, after a genuine response given by a contestant in the Estonian ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’, in answer to the question ‘who was the 16th President of the United States?’. Get that contestant on Family Fortunes pronto!
Slovakia: So the gimmick here is that the backing dancers are all dressed like Lord of the Rings/tree people. It’s dull – even the plastic snakes used as whips can’t save it, let alone the entirely unsurprising ‘surprise’ appearance of a fairy godmother type in white, who would have done a better job of hiding if she’d stood on stage wearing a sign saying ‘Please ignore me just now, and pretend I’m not here – because I’m going to come on at minute two and surprise you…. Surprise!” Amateur.
Finland: A tiny blonde lady with a massive accordion (and her identical friend without) perform scary folky oompa music. Teeth, tits and terrifying.
Latvia: “Now what should I, Aisha, mature Euro diva and Latvian pop royalty, wear whilst performing my Eurovision song about ‘Mr God’? My favourite peach silk mini kimono and f*ck me Roman sandals, you say? Will that match my lived-in skin complexion and massive lungs? (Oi! Easy! I said *lungs*, people.) Yes! Perfect! To the stage, darlinks!”
Serbia: Milanamania – it will catch us all. I was all ready to mock the famed Serbian sensation Milan Stanković (possibly the fugliest man I’ve ever seen) with his bright blond bowl haircut and Tintin face, dancing around in his glittery ringmaster’s coat and ‘singing’. But it was, of course, a total winner.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: A man, not unattractive to straight woman, in a red velvet jacket on stage? Promising. Oh wait, what’s that? The sound of a cock rock number void of humour and musicality? Next!
Poland: The gimmick here is eating apples on stage, which is different, true, but hardly up to the pizzazz of using fire-eaters and leather clad whip wielders, or making the shape of a ‘1’ out of your backing dancers WHEN YOUR SONG IS CALLED ‘MY NUMBER 1’. Now *that’s* a gimmick. No, this is just a bad crooner, who looks like a shiny-suited business man fresh off the tube and on his way to Karaoke Box, fronting a sinister bad contemporary dance version of what is probably Adam and Eve, but looks more like Hansel and Gretel, albeit with stripping and a death scene.
Belgium: Ever at the cutting edge of excitement, Belgium go for the Ronseal approach to Eurovision, with one man (and what a lovely geeky-type man he is too) with a guitar, singing a song called – would you believe - ‘Me and My Guitar’. It’s nice, and he sounds like Kermit if his voice broke (Kermit that is, not the Belgian) – I’ll let you decide whether or not that’s a good thing.
Malta: I was all ready to dismiss this; another big Maltese lady, another big Maltese ballad – basically a Maltese entry by numbers. Until… HER DRESS GREW WINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I am a seasoned professional Eurovision viewer (don’t try this at home, kids), and my eye has been expertly trained to knowingly pre-empt the twist in the Eurovision tale, but neither I, nor my equally professional co-viewer, noticed the grown man in silver tights wearing the gigantic angel wings hiding behind the lady Malteser until he choose to reveal himself. (And he revealed himself a little too much when we got a close-up shot of the silver tights, if you know what I mean… And you do, cause you’re filthy).
Albania: Mature Euro diva number two – I’ll be honest, I love a mature Euro diva. This is one foxy lady, in a sensible black trouser suit, but with suitably crazy glittery shoulder pads, just slugging her guts out to a gooooood Gnarls Barkley-esque pop number. Thumbs up.
Greece: Mmmmm, is that the sweet smell of butch pop testosterone? I think so! Instantly brilliant. Man, every year, the Greeks just bring it. Bring what, you may ask? Well, generally, they bring an aging Greek pop star, dressed in white, specially cultivated and nurtured in the Athens Eurovision lab, set them on stage - and let their genius flourish, preferably including a self-administered percussion interlude. An amazing pop number. Not Hell(enic)ish. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!! OPA!
Portugal: Aha, the lesser known youthful Euro diva. Mind you, she’s probably a bit too sweet and naturally beautiful to qualify as a real diva. She’s gorgeous, the big floaty dress is gorgeous, but the song is a dirge-y bore. Did her dress turn into wings? No. Rubbish. (EV geeks will also note that it’s odd to see Portugal opting for a mainstream pop ballad, rather than their usual attitude of ‘we know no-one else in Europe really likes fado, but we do, so sod the lot of yer, here’s a lady wailing some’.)
FYR Macedonia: Our song is utter tripe – what’s our tactic? Nudity.
OK, let me tell you this, gothic lap dancers of the former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia - a vag flash is not acceptable, even at Eurovision. (OK, OK, there wasn’t actual genitalia on show, but it was just one flimsy pair of leather pants away, er, away. Ew.)
Belarus: Hello? Did they find the attractive Belorussian? My God, they did. Even more surprising – he has four similarly attractive Belorussian friends. Quite a gimmick by their standards. The song, however, is an awful ballad on a par with the Russian entry. The only thing that could save this would be the ladies’ dresses growing wings.
…Two minutes later…
WHAAAAAAAAAAT? DO MINE EYES DECEIVE ME? THEY’VE ONLY BLOODY GONE AND GROWN WINGS ON THEIR DRESSES!!! Seriously – two performances in one night where dresses don’t get ripped off to reveal mini skirts, but actually grow wings. Amazing. Malta must be seething that Belarus copied them! Or did Belarus get shafted by Malta? What a palaver. The spies have been busy on the Eurovision backstab grapevine. Someone get Marple on the case. And someone else get me a dress with wings.
Iceland: the lights go low, the sound of synths, a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig woman approaches the mic… And BAM! No, not an inconvenient volcanic eruption which brings the world to its knees (*insert forced laughter here*) – it’s a massive Icelandic lady getting her mature diva on. A Eurovision classic is born. Loved it.
And that’s it!
In conclusion: a classic semi-final, with the main theme apparently ‘dresses wot grow wings’. We also counted eight violins – very Rybek-a-like, so that’s clearly this year’s copy-catting.
Am pleased that Albania, Belgium, Greece, Iceland, Moldova, Serbia and – at a push – Portugal (Westie bias) got through and well done to Belarus for winning the battle of the winged dresses. I am, naturally, vein-poppingly furious, but unsurprised, that Russia and B-H made it – both total shockers, and not in a good way. And am sorry to see Latvia and Estonia go out.
Thursday’s second SF threatens to be a ballad heavy snooze fest – am hoping some of the slowies will fall. As for the final, I’m hopeful, but I won’t be relying on the Big Four for too many kicks (when do we ever?!). On the basis of the previews, the UK will be the usual outright embarrassment, Germany - nice and mainstream, Spain aren’t opting for their usual olé olé flamenco vamos a la playa über-Espania number, which is very unusual, and France seem to be opting for a less-than-wise ragga porno number. Mon dieu!
But on the strength of SF#1, so far so good. CAN’T WAIT. xoxo
From 2009 - Infiltrating a Eurovision party - The bluffer’s guide to going undercover at a Eurovision bash
Every year a musical extravaganza known as the ESC takes place and is celebrated across Europe and increasingly commonly a Eurovision party is held, allowing fans to watch the televised event communally. But the cult Eurovision holds many secrets for the uninitiated... No more! The purpose of this guide is to share a few key pieces of Eurovij – as it has come to be known (by, well, me) - knowledge for a Eurovision dummy to hold his or her own amongst the Song Context geeks.
The Contest - then
1956 in Lugano 'Grand Prix de l’Eurovision'. It was the first Pan European televised event – hence Eurovision. 7 countries took part, but not the UK. It was a very simple premise - all the participating countries would judge the songs and the winner would claim the great honour of hosting the next year’s contest.
Previous winners: Abba and Celine Dion
Not Morrissey (He wanted to take part for the UK, but pulled out when told he’d have to audition like everyone else. Shocking.)
The Contest – now
Following the fall of the Iron Curtain, the contest has made way for Eastern Europe expansion – 43 countries took part in the 54th contest in Moscow: Albania; Andorra; Armenia; Azerbaijan; Belarus; Belgium; Bosnia & Herzegovina; Bulgaria; Croatia; Cyprus; Czech Republic; Denmark; Estonia; Finland; FYR Macedonia; Georgia; Greece; Hungary; Iceland; Ireland; Israel; Latvia; Lithuania; Malta; Moldova; Montenegro; the Netherlands; Norway; Poland; Portugal; Romania; Serbia; Slovakia; Slovenia; Sweden; Switzerland; Turkey and Ukraine, UK, France, Germany and Spain.
Notable absences: Italy and Austria. They don’t bother any more – they stopped winning long ago and flounced off. But the Swiss do take part – apparently not so neutral where Eurovision is concerned. Whilst Western countries tend to find the whole thing very camp and silly, it is taken very seriously by the new participants - a win means a lot in terms of promoting their nation and getting a higher European profile.
With 43 countries now in, necessary to have semi finals to avoid a ten hour contest. The final still lasts several hours. Music is the winner.
The Big 4
However, there are five automatic places in the final: the host country (last year’s winner) and the Big 4 The Big 4: UK, France, Germany and Spain Quite simply, they pay for it – so they don’t have to qualify. Fair? Er, do you want them to take the cash away?
Contest classics
The local hosts – there to show off their country. Generally they employ an ‘interesting’ use of English – and French, which is still an official language, though isn't even used by the French much these days. C'est un scandale.
Copycat themes
Camp is key, originality sometimes lacking – and last year's winner is generally copied the next year; see Celtic panpipes, latex hard rock, belly dancing pop, big diva ballads, on-stage fire. Only the one transsexual winner to date though.
Costumes
For her: glitzy and short.
For him: a suit
Costume changes remain popular - particularly the ripping off of skirts, and nowadays – perhaps because of the contest’s popularity amongst the gay community – ripping open shirts. And once the songs are over…
The voting
“Hello Kiev, this is Lisbon calling.” Televised across Europe – technology has improved, but we still enjoy the inevitable bad connections. Each country gives their points – from 1 to 12. “Douze points!” Yes – this takes hours. Musical merit? Ha! Supposedly the songs are judged on their quality. Hence ‘song contest’.
Everybody needs good neighbours…
It is generally understood that countries allocate points based on their nations’ relationship to the other countries, rather than on the musical merits of the songs; Greece and Cyprus's unfailing exchange of 12 points (every single time since popular voting was introduced in 1998).
AKA please don’t cut off our gas Mr Putin
But neighbours exchange points even when they are ruled by political parties that may be hostile to each other – ex USSR – Ukraine and Russia. Is it because they are kowtowing? Or rather that those countries are still very culturally/musically similar?
Big 4 – sour grapes.
No one votes for them. Careful little countries – if you don’t vote for us, we might take our ball away! Interestingly the year’s contest will also see the return of the juries - but will the bias remain? (Certainly it’s hard to imagine Greece and Cyrpus not exchanging 12 points.)
A few famed Eurovision events
Terry Irish personality Terry Wogan has been long since associated with contest – funny and sarky comments throughout – possibly helped along by a few sips of whiskey. He has now decided not to comment anymore – reportedly because of his frustration about biased voting.
Nul points
Most memorable is Norway’s Jahn Teigan in 1978. Norway have suffered nul points a few times. UK too – Jemini. (Though they actually deserved minus points.)
The luck of the Irish
They've won three times in a row! Remember that Father Ted episode? My lovely lovely lovely horse. But who could forget that incredible EV half time highlight Riverdance? Genuinely amazing .
Finally: Dos and Don’ts
Do: Dress up as your favourite country.
Mark each country on song, performance and costume.
Cheer when Greece and Cyprus give each other douze points.
Watch it with the subtitles on.
Don’t: Say ‘Israel isn’t in Europe’ and nor is Turkey.
Ask ‘but why are all the Balkans/Baltics/Scandis voting for each other?’
Expect the UK to win.
And last of all: Don’t, under any circumstances, take it seriously.
The Contest - then
1956 in Lugano 'Grand Prix de l’Eurovision'. It was the first Pan European televised event – hence Eurovision. 7 countries took part, but not the UK. It was a very simple premise - all the participating countries would judge the songs and the winner would claim the great honour of hosting the next year’s contest.
Previous winners: Abba and Celine Dion
Not Morrissey (He wanted to take part for the UK, but pulled out when told he’d have to audition like everyone else. Shocking.)
The Contest – now
Following the fall of the Iron Curtain, the contest has made way for Eastern Europe expansion – 43 countries took part in the 54th contest in Moscow: Albania; Andorra; Armenia; Azerbaijan; Belarus; Belgium; Bosnia & Herzegovina; Bulgaria; Croatia; Cyprus; Czech Republic; Denmark; Estonia; Finland; FYR Macedonia; Georgia; Greece; Hungary; Iceland; Ireland; Israel; Latvia; Lithuania; Malta; Moldova; Montenegro; the Netherlands; Norway; Poland; Portugal; Romania; Serbia; Slovakia; Slovenia; Sweden; Switzerland; Turkey and Ukraine, UK, France, Germany and Spain.
Notable absences: Italy and Austria. They don’t bother any more – they stopped winning long ago and flounced off. But the Swiss do take part – apparently not so neutral where Eurovision is concerned. Whilst Western countries tend to find the whole thing very camp and silly, it is taken very seriously by the new participants - a win means a lot in terms of promoting their nation and getting a higher European profile.
With 43 countries now in, necessary to have semi finals to avoid a ten hour contest. The final still lasts several hours. Music is the winner.
The Big 4
However, there are five automatic places in the final: the host country (last year’s winner) and the Big 4 The Big 4: UK, France, Germany and Spain Quite simply, they pay for it – so they don’t have to qualify. Fair? Er, do you want them to take the cash away?
Contest classics
The local hosts – there to show off their country. Generally they employ an ‘interesting’ use of English – and French, which is still an official language, though isn't even used by the French much these days. C'est un scandale.
Copycat themes
Camp is key, originality sometimes lacking – and last year's winner is generally copied the next year; see Celtic panpipes, latex hard rock, belly dancing pop, big diva ballads, on-stage fire. Only the one transsexual winner to date though.
Costumes
For her: glitzy and short.
For him: a suit
Costume changes remain popular - particularly the ripping off of skirts, and nowadays – perhaps because of the contest’s popularity amongst the gay community – ripping open shirts. And once the songs are over…
The voting
“Hello Kiev, this is Lisbon calling.” Televised across Europe – technology has improved, but we still enjoy the inevitable bad connections. Each country gives their points – from 1 to 12. “Douze points!” Yes – this takes hours. Musical merit? Ha! Supposedly the songs are judged on their quality. Hence ‘song contest’.
Everybody needs good neighbours…
It is generally understood that countries allocate points based on their nations’ relationship to the other countries, rather than on the musical merits of the songs; Greece and Cyprus's unfailing exchange of 12 points (every single time since popular voting was introduced in 1998).
AKA please don’t cut off our gas Mr Putin
But neighbours exchange points even when they are ruled by political parties that may be hostile to each other – ex USSR – Ukraine and Russia. Is it because they are kowtowing? Or rather that those countries are still very culturally/musically similar?
Big 4 – sour grapes.
No one votes for them. Careful little countries – if you don’t vote for us, we might take our ball away! Interestingly the year’s contest will also see the return of the juries - but will the bias remain? (Certainly it’s hard to imagine Greece and Cyrpus not exchanging 12 points.)
A few famed Eurovision events
Terry Irish personality Terry Wogan has been long since associated with contest – funny and sarky comments throughout – possibly helped along by a few sips of whiskey. He has now decided not to comment anymore – reportedly because of his frustration about biased voting.
Nul points
Most memorable is Norway’s Jahn Teigan in 1978. Norway have suffered nul points a few times. UK too – Jemini. (Though they actually deserved minus points.)
The luck of the Irish
They've won three times in a row! Remember that Father Ted episode? My lovely lovely lovely horse. But who could forget that incredible EV half time highlight Riverdance? Genuinely amazing .
Finally: Dos and Don’ts
Do: Dress up as your favourite country.
Mark each country on song, performance and costume.
Cheer when Greece and Cyprus give each other douze points.
Watch it with the subtitles on.
Don’t: Say ‘Israel isn’t in Europe’ and nor is Turkey.
Ask ‘but why are all the Balkans/Baltics/Scandis voting for each other?’
Expect the UK to win.
And last of all: Don’t, under any circumstances, take it seriously.
2009 Semi final #2
1. Croatia
And we’re off! Out trot five lovely ladies in slinky LBDs and a young male lead singer – who clearly doesn’t have eyes for his backing girls, in spite of their foxy looks. It’s a Spanish-y dirge ballad, and he has a pretty weak voice, but they’ve upped the settings on the wind machine from ‘breeze’ to ‘tornado’ in an attempt to distract us. Oh, a lady in white has appeared (or possibly a costume change was involved and I missed it). There’s a lot of wailing going on here; the lyrics essentially consist of “ahhhhhh” and “AHHHHH”. Bof.
2. Ireland
Gone are the glory days – and they won’t be leaving semi-final hiatus with this one. It’s bad Busted with boobies, it’s merde McFly with melons, it’s sad Scouting For Girls with s… ach, can’t think of a word for breasts beginning with s.. sizzlers? But I’m more troubled by the fact that they haven’t even bothered to do the singer’s hair extensions properly (they are AWFUL – clearly they just nipped down to Claire’s Accessories, bought some plastic hair and sellotaped it to her neck). On the plus side - a lady drummer, a key change and some fabulously hideous laddered PVC trousers. On the down side – the music, the lyrics, the singing, the staging and the performance. Craic-p. (Like crap! Geddit?!?)
3. Latvia
Oh God! My ears! My brain! This is weird syncopated electro stuff. I liked the rumbling bass for the first nano second, but then it was like every bar was half the length it should be. (Hang on, why am I analysing the actual music like that’s the bit that matters?) OK, so the bit when random images are projected onto the backing girls giant sleeves’ is quite good, but the rest is shouty nonsense and it would be impossible to dance to this, or recreate it when singing in the shower. (A moot point, as no-one would ever want to do that in any kind of sane reality.)
4. Serbia.
Another experimental electro thing – how odd. The male backing dancers are wearing curly pointed shoes and doing break dancing. The lead singer has a massive waffro and looks vaguely like Hardeep Singh Kohli. There’s a weird doll-like woman sitting legs akimbo and all sulky, who danced with the guys, then sulks again. WTF? I don’t have a clue what’s going on, but I’m strangely transfixed… Aha – the subtitles inform me the chorus is something like “She didn’t want me, until I had pots of money in my pockets”. I *think* the performance is trying to convey that message. Somehow. It’s a shame this surreal garbage won’t make the final.
5. Poland
A ‘dramatic’ piano start and another lady balladeer starts wailing – pffff, she’s one of about five billon in this year’s competition. This one’s employing dirty dancing ballerinas and some ribbon waving rhythmic gymnasts to differentiate herself. Oh whatever, girlfriend. In the words of that bitchy scoundrel Craig Revel Horwood: D, U, double L.
6. Norway
Ring ring, ring ring,
“Trondheim Cheese World, good evening, may I take your order?”
“Hi, yes, I’d like cheese on cheese, with extra cheese, a side order of cheese and cheese, and some cheese.”
“Will that be it?”
“Some cheese to dip my cheese in and a packet of cheese.”
“Anything to drink?”
“Cheese juice. And vodka.”
“It’ll be with you in the Eurovision 2009 final, top 5.”
“Thanks, bye!”
7. Cyprus
Confession – I saw Sounds Like Teen Spirit this week, which was AMAZING, and I’m completely biasedly sympathetic towards Cyprus after seeing the adorable little Cypriot entrant, Yiorgos, come, like, 14th in Junior Eurovision. However! This stage school bratette going on about fireflies is not adorable – she is eminently slappable, and if she accidentally slipped off her (admittedly very cool) glowing, spinning light blocks, I would be not be sad at all. Yawnsome. (Go Yiorgos!)
8. Slovakia
Bluesy ballad boring male/female duo. At best you might say this sounds like a Slovakian Bond theme, because of all the strings, but that makes it sound way, way better than it is. Her: a high-pitched shrieky woman. Him: a broody dude who lurves himself. There is zero chemistry there – clearly they are arch rivals who HATE each other, which is always good for duetting on a love song.
9. Denmark
Co-written by Ronan Keating, the epitome of beige. And tonight Matthew, that’s exactly who the Danish singer has decided to be. This is dire. I didn’t sign up to this MOR dullfest. Where is the camp? BOO! RUBBISH! ROTTEN! FRYGTINDGYDENDE!!!! (OK, I just looked ‘ awful’ up in a English - Danish online dictionary, and I swear that was a genuine option.) The Danish always bring this non-offensive, non-descript, nothing music, and it always gets through. Bah humbug.
10. Slovenia
Again with the classical inspired stuff. Not great. And silhouettes in boxes is a bit last year, people. The intro seems to be going for most of the song… Jesus, more wailing! Is that this year’s theme or what? (Clue: the answer is not ‘what’.) Waaah-waah-waaaaaah,as Tyra might say, in imitation of a trombone and to denote failure.
11. Hungary
Whoa! Good start – an aerial shot of the lead singer lying down, his head in a lady backing dancer’s crotch. And pretty amazing costumes – that’s a very tight green and sheer, glitzy tank top with cut outs ON HIM. At least we’re finally seeing some traditional neon slutty Euro pop disco – though it’s pretty average. “Dance with me!” Meh. Maybe later.
12. Azerbaijan
Ha! They always go for the over-dramatic spectacle (well, twice now). Lots of big, stormy movements and pouting, and, er, an unexpected Latin sound to this male-female duet! Lady singer is waaaay out of his league… Except his league is clearly ‘boys’, so what does he care?
13. Greece
Oh here we go, here comes the professional. This is textbook Eurovision. White, tight outfit, lean tanned muscles, tall, dark and not-unhandsome; he’s dancing away to a winning club beat, he’s oozing confidence, HE’S NOW DOING THE RUNNING MAN ON A RAISED STAGE WITH A MOVING FLOOR WHICH THEY HAVE SEEMLESSLY INCORPORATED INTO THE DANCE ROUTINE! Somewhere, in a secret chamber on a tiny island, the Greeks have been growing this guy in a dedicated Eurovision lab and have distilled him right down, until he became the very essence of Eurovij. This cannot fail.
14. Lithuania
This, however, is beyond boring. The love child of Daniel Powter (who?) and Sean Hayes (who? Oh Wikipedia it) sings an unmemorable smugsome piano ballad. Yawn. Oh, he’s set his hand on fire for the end of the song. Bully for him.
15. Moldova
More sodding wailing. Oh enough! They should all just have a big wail off and the loudest can win. The lyrics seem to be ‘I’m a hora from Moldova’, her dress is Riverdance gone nuts, and – frankly - she’ll have her eyes out if she doesn’t get a bra on.
16. Albania
So there’s a green man on stage (like a blue man, only green and sequined), and he’s groping Tinkerbell. The sad truth is that this little slice of forgettable Euro-disco is comparatively good - for this year (which is not saying much, believe me). At least there’s an attempt to do something a bit leftfield and poppy and garner the Eurovision spirit. Even if that is dressing a man in a green gimp suit and having him feel up the tooth fairy.
17. Ukraine
Oh finally! Hello! Yesss! This is the stuff! The lead singer is a total lady-fox, she’s gyrating in a giant hamster wheel, there are half naked centurions all over the shop, she’s just flashed her spangly sequined knickers, which - incidentally - match her sequined thigh high boots, and is now grinding up against one of the spartans. I am *liking* this! Whoop whoop, she’s even drumming through the middle eight. Swoon! Thank Lordi for Ukraine; essentially recreating their last win - Ruslana’s mighty Xena Warrior Princess-inspired performance - but with a sexy Roman theme. WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! (Please!)
18. Estonia
Girl goth ballad. After anyone else this would have been average, after Ukraine it’s pants. If I were Siralun (*shudders*) I’d be all like, “Estonia, you’re fired!” Shame the bloody Eurovision audience disagree and out it through to the final. Let’s see if the juries can vanquish the Easty bias (oh – apart from where Ukraine are involved, obviously)!
19. The Netherlands
I’m confused. Holland has decided to send three old men dressed in glitter-ball suits to do an uptempo Eurobeat number. The spangles can’t save this! These men are aged! No chance.
And we’re off! Out trot five lovely ladies in slinky LBDs and a young male lead singer – who clearly doesn’t have eyes for his backing girls, in spite of their foxy looks. It’s a Spanish-y dirge ballad, and he has a pretty weak voice, but they’ve upped the settings on the wind machine from ‘breeze’ to ‘tornado’ in an attempt to distract us. Oh, a lady in white has appeared (or possibly a costume change was involved and I missed it). There’s a lot of wailing going on here; the lyrics essentially consist of “ahhhhhh” and “AHHHHH”. Bof.
2. Ireland
Gone are the glory days – and they won’t be leaving semi-final hiatus with this one. It’s bad Busted with boobies, it’s merde McFly with melons, it’s sad Scouting For Girls with s… ach, can’t think of a word for breasts beginning with s.. sizzlers? But I’m more troubled by the fact that they haven’t even bothered to do the singer’s hair extensions properly (they are AWFUL – clearly they just nipped down to Claire’s Accessories, bought some plastic hair and sellotaped it to her neck). On the plus side - a lady drummer, a key change and some fabulously hideous laddered PVC trousers. On the down side – the music, the lyrics, the singing, the staging and the performance. Craic-p. (Like crap! Geddit?!?)
3. Latvia
Oh God! My ears! My brain! This is weird syncopated electro stuff. I liked the rumbling bass for the first nano second, but then it was like every bar was half the length it should be. (Hang on, why am I analysing the actual music like that’s the bit that matters?) OK, so the bit when random images are projected onto the backing girls giant sleeves’ is quite good, but the rest is shouty nonsense and it would be impossible to dance to this, or recreate it when singing in the shower. (A moot point, as no-one would ever want to do that in any kind of sane reality.)
4. Serbia.
Another experimental electro thing – how odd. The male backing dancers are wearing curly pointed shoes and doing break dancing. The lead singer has a massive waffro and looks vaguely like Hardeep Singh Kohli. There’s a weird doll-like woman sitting legs akimbo and all sulky, who danced with the guys, then sulks again. WTF? I don’t have a clue what’s going on, but I’m strangely transfixed… Aha – the subtitles inform me the chorus is something like “She didn’t want me, until I had pots of money in my pockets”. I *think* the performance is trying to convey that message. Somehow. It’s a shame this surreal garbage won’t make the final.
5. Poland
A ‘dramatic’ piano start and another lady balladeer starts wailing – pffff, she’s one of about five billon in this year’s competition. This one’s employing dirty dancing ballerinas and some ribbon waving rhythmic gymnasts to differentiate herself. Oh whatever, girlfriend. In the words of that bitchy scoundrel Craig Revel Horwood: D, U, double L.
6. Norway
Ring ring, ring ring,
“Trondheim Cheese World, good evening, may I take your order?”
“Hi, yes, I’d like cheese on cheese, with extra cheese, a side order of cheese and cheese, and some cheese.”
“Will that be it?”
“Some cheese to dip my cheese in and a packet of cheese.”
“Anything to drink?”
“Cheese juice. And vodka.”
“It’ll be with you in the Eurovision 2009 final, top 5.”
“Thanks, bye!”
7. Cyprus
Confession – I saw Sounds Like Teen Spirit this week, which was AMAZING, and I’m completely biasedly sympathetic towards Cyprus after seeing the adorable little Cypriot entrant, Yiorgos, come, like, 14th in Junior Eurovision. However! This stage school bratette going on about fireflies is not adorable – she is eminently slappable, and if she accidentally slipped off her (admittedly very cool) glowing, spinning light blocks, I would be not be sad at all. Yawnsome. (Go Yiorgos!)
8. Slovakia
Bluesy ballad boring male/female duo. At best you might say this sounds like a Slovakian Bond theme, because of all the strings, but that makes it sound way, way better than it is. Her: a high-pitched shrieky woman. Him: a broody dude who lurves himself. There is zero chemistry there – clearly they are arch rivals who HATE each other, which is always good for duetting on a love song.
9. Denmark
Co-written by Ronan Keating, the epitome of beige. And tonight Matthew, that’s exactly who the Danish singer has decided to be. This is dire. I didn’t sign up to this MOR dullfest. Where is the camp? BOO! RUBBISH! ROTTEN! FRYGTINDGYDENDE!!!! (OK, I just looked ‘ awful’ up in a English - Danish online dictionary, and I swear that was a genuine option.) The Danish always bring this non-offensive, non-descript, nothing music, and it always gets through. Bah humbug.
10. Slovenia
Again with the classical inspired stuff. Not great. And silhouettes in boxes is a bit last year, people. The intro seems to be going for most of the song… Jesus, more wailing! Is that this year’s theme or what? (Clue: the answer is not ‘what’.) Waaah-waah-waaaaaah,as Tyra might say, in imitation of a trombone and to denote failure.
11. Hungary
Whoa! Good start – an aerial shot of the lead singer lying down, his head in a lady backing dancer’s crotch. And pretty amazing costumes – that’s a very tight green and sheer, glitzy tank top with cut outs ON HIM. At least we’re finally seeing some traditional neon slutty Euro pop disco – though it’s pretty average. “Dance with me!” Meh. Maybe later.
12. Azerbaijan
Ha! They always go for the over-dramatic spectacle (well, twice now). Lots of big, stormy movements and pouting, and, er, an unexpected Latin sound to this male-female duet! Lady singer is waaaay out of his league… Except his league is clearly ‘boys’, so what does he care?
13. Greece
Oh here we go, here comes the professional. This is textbook Eurovision. White, tight outfit, lean tanned muscles, tall, dark and not-unhandsome; he’s dancing away to a winning club beat, he’s oozing confidence, HE’S NOW DOING THE RUNNING MAN ON A RAISED STAGE WITH A MOVING FLOOR WHICH THEY HAVE SEEMLESSLY INCORPORATED INTO THE DANCE ROUTINE! Somewhere, in a secret chamber on a tiny island, the Greeks have been growing this guy in a dedicated Eurovision lab and have distilled him right down, until he became the very essence of Eurovij. This cannot fail.
14. Lithuania
This, however, is beyond boring. The love child of Daniel Powter (who?) and Sean Hayes (who? Oh Wikipedia it) sings an unmemorable smugsome piano ballad. Yawn. Oh, he’s set his hand on fire for the end of the song. Bully for him.
15. Moldova
More sodding wailing. Oh enough! They should all just have a big wail off and the loudest can win. The lyrics seem to be ‘I’m a hora from Moldova’, her dress is Riverdance gone nuts, and – frankly - she’ll have her eyes out if she doesn’t get a bra on.
16. Albania
So there’s a green man on stage (like a blue man, only green and sequined), and he’s groping Tinkerbell. The sad truth is that this little slice of forgettable Euro-disco is comparatively good - for this year (which is not saying much, believe me). At least there’s an attempt to do something a bit leftfield and poppy and garner the Eurovision spirit. Even if that is dressing a man in a green gimp suit and having him feel up the tooth fairy.
17. Ukraine
Oh finally! Hello! Yesss! This is the stuff! The lead singer is a total lady-fox, she’s gyrating in a giant hamster wheel, there are half naked centurions all over the shop, she’s just flashed her spangly sequined knickers, which - incidentally - match her sequined thigh high boots, and is now grinding up against one of the spartans. I am *liking* this! Whoop whoop, she’s even drumming through the middle eight. Swoon! Thank Lordi for Ukraine; essentially recreating their last win - Ruslana’s mighty Xena Warrior Princess-inspired performance - but with a sexy Roman theme. WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! (Please!)
18. Estonia
Girl goth ballad. After anyone else this would have been average, after Ukraine it’s pants. If I were Siralun (*shudders*) I’d be all like, “Estonia, you’re fired!” Shame the bloody Eurovision audience disagree and out it through to the final. Let’s see if the juries can vanquish the Easty bias (oh – apart from where Ukraine are involved, obviously)!
19. The Netherlands
I’m confused. Holland has decided to send three old men dressed in glitter-ball suits to do an uptempo Eurobeat number. The spangles can’t save this! These men are aged! No chance.
2009 Semi final #1
Montenegro – couple singing and practically DOING IT ON STAGE! (He was actually liking her neck at one stage). Spangly dress - check. White suit - check. Male pelvic gyration - check. Good opener, but struck by the curse of the first on - forgotten come voting. Should have made it over Boznia-Herzegovina.
Czech Rep - a mustachio-ed Gypsy superhero (good thing) and Gypsy band (ok thing). The song was total rrrrubs though. The red lycra suit and cape, and slapstick violin-bow-in-face move wasn’t enough save this. Deservedly failed to go further.
Belgium - oh dear. The poor Belgian Shakin' Stevens. In gold lame. Cull.
Belarus - big hair, another white suit, an axe-wielding intro and a wind machine. Horrible, obviously - but in quite a good way. At least Belarus won junior Eurovision, eh?
Sweden - High NRG popera. A bit 'meh', but redeemed by some good glittery mask action from the backing singers. Still, come on Sweden – it’s not really EV without them.
Armenia – slinky ladies, dry ice, pan pipe action, funked up national dress. Britney à la goth. Excellent stuff.
Andorra – have never qualified before. Well, taking a bunch of girls dressed in white and miming guitar-playing might have seemed a good plan, but it was decidedly underwhelming. "But I would rather die" she sings with a beaming smile. That was the highlight.
Switzerland – boring, indie pop. Lead singer can’t sing and isn’t even fit. It was better last year when they got that outrageously hot Italian in. Ahhhh Paolo... *sighs*
Turkey – ranchy ethni-pop. Good use of belly dancing and the phrase “dum-tac-tac” (or similar). And to cement such quality, they’ve added a man in a skirt. Fab-u-ous! (Also a rip-off of Greece's last winner Number One, but wtvr.com)
Israel – two friends, one Israeli, one Palestinian, singing “There Must Be Another Way”. Politics ahoy, as Eurovision solves the Middle East crisis. I like both song and sentiment! And the impromptu bongo interlude.
Bulgaria – Bulgarian glamazons! Not sure anyone was expecting that… Yikes - they do not look good in close up! Hello, the world’s worst hair extensions. And stilts. Yawn. Hideous wailing over a house beat. Bad.
Iceland – pretty ballad, pretty girl, pretty boring, but I’m glad it got through. She can sing and she has a pretty Gone With The Wind dress. And so far this year, dull & proficient feels surprisingly preferable to gimmicky & rubbish. (Re-reading this in 2011, I can't believe I was so 'meh' about this one - I LOVE it now. It's one of my all time Eurovij favourites!)
FYR of Macedonia. OMG – actual rock twins. They seem to have spent their budget on perms.
Romania – four sexy ballet dancing backers in neon rags, with lead hottie on a throne made of a tree trunk. “I’m going to start my weekend with a tonic and lime” – add vodka, sweetie. For all our sakes.
Finland – REALLY, REALLY BAD RAPPING! OH YESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT! Think the love child of East 17 and 2-Unlimited. They are all too old and their clothes don’t fit, but they’ve compensated with fire throwers. I would have totally loved this when I was 12 and doing that side to side step dance move at the school disco and wondering if we were going to play Arches soon.
Portugal – once again, Portugal go for a portly-gal who can belt it out in Portuguese. It's nice. It's very nice. I thought it was doomed and am quite pleased to see it through!
Malta – oh it’s chunky but funky Eurovij royalty Chiara. Third time lucky? Well, the lungs are pumping as ever. It was fine. I liked her sassy little head flick.
Bosnia & Herzegovina – and some more white suits. Mass drumming. Pfffff. Boo! This is far too pompous and serious. Can we skip to the voting now please? I cannot BELIEVE this got through! Travesty!
So, Sweden, Armenia, Turkey, Israel, Iceland, Romania, Finland, Portugal, Malta and Bosnia & Herzegovina through. All good and well deserved really, bar the awful B-H (BH = BS). Not a vintage selection, but not half bad. Semi number two is looking VERY promising though. I think I saw a shot of a Ukrainian doing the splits across a giant ring! (NB: That is not a euphemism of any kind.)
Czech Rep - a mustachio-ed Gypsy superhero (good thing) and Gypsy band (ok thing). The song was total rrrrubs though. The red lycra suit and cape, and slapstick violin-bow-in-face move wasn’t enough save this. Deservedly failed to go further.
Belgium - oh dear. The poor Belgian Shakin' Stevens. In gold lame. Cull.
Belarus - big hair, another white suit, an axe-wielding intro and a wind machine. Horrible, obviously - but in quite a good way. At least Belarus won junior Eurovision, eh?
Sweden - High NRG popera. A bit 'meh', but redeemed by some good glittery mask action from the backing singers. Still, come on Sweden – it’s not really EV without them.
Armenia – slinky ladies, dry ice, pan pipe action, funked up national dress. Britney à la goth. Excellent stuff.
Andorra – have never qualified before. Well, taking a bunch of girls dressed in white and miming guitar-playing might have seemed a good plan, but it was decidedly underwhelming. "But I would rather die" she sings with a beaming smile. That was the highlight.
Switzerland – boring, indie pop. Lead singer can’t sing and isn’t even fit. It was better last year when they got that outrageously hot Italian in. Ahhhh Paolo... *sighs*
Turkey – ranchy ethni-pop. Good use of belly dancing and the phrase “dum-tac-tac” (or similar). And to cement such quality, they’ve added a man in a skirt. Fab-u-ous! (Also a rip-off of Greece's last winner Number One, but wtvr.com)
Israel – two friends, one Israeli, one Palestinian, singing “There Must Be Another Way”. Politics ahoy, as Eurovision solves the Middle East crisis. I like both song and sentiment! And the impromptu bongo interlude.
Bulgaria – Bulgarian glamazons! Not sure anyone was expecting that… Yikes - they do not look good in close up! Hello, the world’s worst hair extensions. And stilts. Yawn. Hideous wailing over a house beat. Bad.
Iceland – pretty ballad, pretty girl, pretty boring, but I’m glad it got through. She can sing and she has a pretty Gone With The Wind dress. And so far this year, dull & proficient feels surprisingly preferable to gimmicky & rubbish. (Re-reading this in 2011, I can't believe I was so 'meh' about this one - I LOVE it now. It's one of my all time Eurovij favourites!)
FYR of Macedonia. OMG – actual rock twins. They seem to have spent their budget on perms.
Romania – four sexy ballet dancing backers in neon rags, with lead hottie on a throne made of a tree trunk. “I’m going to start my weekend with a tonic and lime” – add vodka, sweetie. For all our sakes.
Finland – REALLY, REALLY BAD RAPPING! OH YESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT! Think the love child of East 17 and 2-Unlimited. They are all too old and their clothes don’t fit, but they’ve compensated with fire throwers. I would have totally loved this when I was 12 and doing that side to side step dance move at the school disco and wondering if we were going to play Arches soon.
Portugal – once again, Portugal go for a portly-gal who can belt it out in Portuguese. It's nice. It's very nice. I thought it was doomed and am quite pleased to see it through!
Malta – oh it’s chunky but funky Eurovij royalty Chiara. Third time lucky? Well, the lungs are pumping as ever. It was fine. I liked her sassy little head flick.
Bosnia & Herzegovina – and some more white suits. Mass drumming. Pfffff. Boo! This is far too pompous and serious. Can we skip to the voting now please? I cannot BELIEVE this got through! Travesty!
So, Sweden, Armenia, Turkey, Israel, Iceland, Romania, Finland, Portugal, Malta and Bosnia & Herzegovina through. All good and well deserved really, bar the awful B-H (BH = BS). Not a vintage selection, but not half bad. Semi number two is looking VERY promising though. I think I saw a shot of a Ukrainian doing the splits across a giant ring! (NB: That is not a euphemism of any kind.)
2008 Voting rant
As for the results, well, yes, the ‘please don’t stop our oil’ political Eastern bloc voting lead to Russia’s first win - cause it clearly wasn’t the song wot won it! Now, I love the comedy element of the neighbourly love-in vote patterns – even as a tiny child I waited expectantly for Greece and Cyprus to high-12 each other. And I wouldn’t mind Russia winning if the song hadn’t been so colossally rubbish and so instantly forgettable - actually, I’m not even sure I was remembering any of it whilst I was actually listening to it. It must have gone in one ear and out the other with my brain refusing to process any content. But it seemed to me that the UK entry wasn’t *that* bad and that if two of the other Big Four, France and Spain, were getting low/mid-table scores, then it seemed harsh that Andy Wotsit wasn’t. (Obviously Germany’s No Angels were just awful. AWFUL. And I say that as someone who actively purchased their lyrically-bizarre (necrophilia-inspired?) first single ‘(I Wanna See) Daylight In Your Eyes’ and listened to it on repeat. The unsatisfying consensus seems to be that everyone just hates the UK and that’s all there is to it. But… really? There are plenty of unhated UK popstars with a wide European fanbase, right? Right?! Name one? Errrrr… Elton John? Several decades ago? Take That? Before they reformed? Blue? Oh God, has it come to this…? We can’t even claim Kylie to be ours, can we? Even though we saw her first? Actually, I don’t even want the UK to win – the comedy potential of the show being hosted by a nation forced to speak Euro-English will always outweigh the thought of the BBC getting an awful blande à la Fearne Cotton or Tess Daly to do it. No, my worry is that eventually the Big Four will get bored of sniffing around the scoring table’s nether regions and withdraw funding. “Oi you irksome little Easties, you wanna play with our ball? You have to let us win, then. Or we’re off to play on our new Wii. ALONE.” And that would make me sad. Eurovision royalty Terry Wogan’s already hinted that he’s off. (Though, IMHO, his form has been actually visibly affected in recent years by his - understandable? - irritation at the Eastern European dominance.) I suppose it is worth noting that the High Priests of Eurovision did play around with the semis in an attempt to counteract bloc voting, and that seemed to work to an extent. I quite like the idea of grouping countries into voting regions somehow. If there is a Scandi vote or a Baltic vote, then they can’t just all 12 point each other, can they? But maybe I’ll leave the political hot potato logistics of sorting such a nightmare out to someone else. Pfffffff, ultimately, Eurovij will continue for a few more years with or without British humph-ing at the voting shenanigans. So, I’m already hanging on for next year…
2008 Final
And the rest…
From The Final
Romania: oh God, why another ballad? Substandard his’n’hers Disney duet.
UK: Even If… it were a really amazing song (which it’s not, but it’s a passable disco number), the UK still wouldn’t win.
Germany: I loved Daylight in Your Eyes, but now they're just an aging girl band without charisma or the ability to sing in tune. Sporting lycra ponchos. Just horrible.
Armenia: catchy high-NRG Euro-pop, funky tassle-y silver mini-dress, untranslatable shouts of ‘Qele, Qele’ and a dance routine involving human sculptures. What’s not to like?
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Alice In Wonderland-style fancy dress, a washing line, women dressed as brides, knitting, women dressed as brides knitting. In theory it should be All Good, but it’s actually quite boring.
Israel: Dear Eurovision Powers That Be, PLEASE BAN BALLADS NEXT YEAR.
Finland: Lordi minus latex. And minus hilarious puns like ‘A-Rock-Alpyse’ or ‘the Day of Rock-ening’. And minus a memorable tune. And etc.
Poland: when cosmetic surgery goes wrong. Skin that orange and plastic boobs that low? Sack your surgeon! Even Jodie Marsh wouldn’t put up with that kind of rubbish.
France: ‘It’s camp, Jim, but not as we know it’. Tolerable alt pop with high emphasis on the quirk factor – just not in a Eurovision way. He drove in on a golf cart, inhaled helium from a plastic globe and I just thought ‘bof’. *Shrugs shoulders, gallically.*
Azerbaijan: black PVC-clad gang lead by angry devil-man versus white satin-clad gang lead by peroxide dude with massive wings. The angel prevails, symbolised by the inevitable costume change. As subtle as the block voting.
Greece: perky Americanised paedo-pop performed by exhaustingly energetic Mickey Mouse clubber the other ones bully because she’s annoying. Sings ‘I’m not easy, but I’m true’. HA! WHATEVER!
Spain: I think what happened here is that a bunch of Spanish mates threw a house party and during said party, they did what any normal party drunkards would do: overdosed on sangria, dressed up in some Elvis wigs, chanted nonsense, tried counting out loud to (unsuccessfully) prove they weren’t pissed, accidentally hit the ‘sample tune’ function on an old synthesiser and danced around a lot. Someone filmed this on their mobile and it somehow became the Spanish entry – essentially a hangover we all have to suffer. This tactic is also responsible for Las Ketchup and the Macarena.
Serbia: I forgot to make any notes about this one. YouTube it and decide for yourselves.
Russia:
Catherine’s Ears: ‘come in Brain, we are hearing something a bit strange and unpleasant. Request our next move. Over’.
Catherine’s Brain: ‘come in Ears, receiving transmission. Now then, what is this? Well, it’s certainly not music, so I will not register it as such. Hmmmm, I’m perplexed by this unidentified sound and suddenly slightly sleepy. Oh hang on, I’ve got Eyes on line two. Eyes, you called? Yes, that hideously ugly, huge-nosed, mullet-haired creature on ice-skates you’re see is indeed a famous Olympic athlete – I remember him because he mings so highly. I agree Eyes, this is totally rubbish – he could at least do a triple salty spin or something. Right then, thank God that’s over. What’s next? Ooooh a cutesome Scandinavian pop song.’
Norway: bunch of charming blonde-bots perform some Scandi-pop-by-numbers - never a bad thing at Eurovij – with this year’s silver dress trend surprisingly bucked by some lovely electric blue numbers.
Let the not-in-any-way-dodgy-or-predictable voting begin!
From The Final
Romania: oh God, why another ballad? Substandard his’n’hers Disney duet.
UK: Even If… it were a really amazing song (which it’s not, but it’s a passable disco number), the UK still wouldn’t win.
Germany: I loved Daylight in Your Eyes, but now they're just an aging girl band without charisma or the ability to sing in tune. Sporting lycra ponchos. Just horrible.
Armenia: catchy high-NRG Euro-pop, funky tassle-y silver mini-dress, untranslatable shouts of ‘Qele, Qele’ and a dance routine involving human sculptures. What’s not to like?
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Alice In Wonderland-style fancy dress, a washing line, women dressed as brides, knitting, women dressed as brides knitting. In theory it should be All Good, but it’s actually quite boring.
Israel: Dear Eurovision Powers That Be, PLEASE BAN BALLADS NEXT YEAR.
Finland: Lordi minus latex. And minus hilarious puns like ‘A-Rock-Alpyse’ or ‘the Day of Rock-ening’. And minus a memorable tune. And etc.
Poland: when cosmetic surgery goes wrong. Skin that orange and plastic boobs that low? Sack your surgeon! Even Jodie Marsh wouldn’t put up with that kind of rubbish.
France: ‘It’s camp, Jim, but not as we know it’. Tolerable alt pop with high emphasis on the quirk factor – just not in a Eurovision way. He drove in on a golf cart, inhaled helium from a plastic globe and I just thought ‘bof’. *Shrugs shoulders, gallically.*
Azerbaijan: black PVC-clad gang lead by angry devil-man versus white satin-clad gang lead by peroxide dude with massive wings. The angel prevails, symbolised by the inevitable costume change. As subtle as the block voting.
Greece: perky Americanised paedo-pop performed by exhaustingly energetic Mickey Mouse clubber the other ones bully because she’s annoying. Sings ‘I’m not easy, but I’m true’. HA! WHATEVER!
Spain: I think what happened here is that a bunch of Spanish mates threw a house party and during said party, they did what any normal party drunkards would do: overdosed on sangria, dressed up in some Elvis wigs, chanted nonsense, tried counting out loud to (unsuccessfully) prove they weren’t pissed, accidentally hit the ‘sample tune’ function on an old synthesiser and danced around a lot. Someone filmed this on their mobile and it somehow became the Spanish entry – essentially a hangover we all have to suffer. This tactic is also responsible for Las Ketchup and the Macarena.
Serbia: I forgot to make any notes about this one. YouTube it and decide for yourselves.
Russia:
Catherine’s Ears: ‘come in Brain, we are hearing something a bit strange and unpleasant. Request our next move. Over’.
Catherine’s Brain: ‘come in Ears, receiving transmission. Now then, what is this? Well, it’s certainly not music, so I will not register it as such. Hmmmm, I’m perplexed by this unidentified sound and suddenly slightly sleepy. Oh hang on, I’ve got Eyes on line two. Eyes, you called? Yes, that hideously ugly, huge-nosed, mullet-haired creature on ice-skates you’re see is indeed a famous Olympic athlete – I remember him because he mings so highly. I agree Eyes, this is totally rubbish – he could at least do a triple salty spin or something. Right then, thank God that’s over. What’s next? Ooooh a cutesome Scandinavian pop song.’
Norway: bunch of charming blonde-bots perform some Scandi-pop-by-numbers - never a bad thing at Eurovij – with this year’s silver dress trend surprisingly bucked by some lovely electric blue numbers.
Let the not-in-any-way-dodgy-or-predictable voting begin!
2008 Semi final
Iceland: bimbo and butch blonde energetically rip off It’s My life.
Sweden: Oh Charlotte. She may be a Eurovij veteran, but she couldn’t move for botox. As one of our party guests commented: classic BOBFOC (body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.)
Turkey: leather-trousered rock snooze.
Ukraine: Men dancing in boxes. Head tossing synced with beeping noises. Silver-be-dressed Shady Lady in charge. The spirit of Ruslana lives on. Ukraine to win!
Lithuania: Gothic eighties Fabio-alike, complete with a top knot hair do, performs instantly forgettable lesbian power ballad. Partly redeemed by use of wind machine and leather trousers.
Albania: snooze-bian power ballad. Dull, dull, dull. She’s only 16? So what? Zzzzzzzz.
Switzerland: there were six women in my living room watching Paolo Meneguzzi sing and smile. We were all literally salivating. Stupendo indeed. Rrrrrrrrrr etc.
Czech Republic: Five models in silver leotards. Exactly as good/bad as you would imagine.
Belarus: the most interesting thing about this was that the performers were sitting on giant silver balls and would stand up now and again.
Latvia: PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Croatia: featuring an old man dubbed 75 Cents (see what they did there? Clever). So, an old man in a hat sang his modest song and a flamenco dancer wore a dress which was truly beautiful and – shock horror – utterly tasteful. I’m not sure I approve of such flagrant anti-Eurovisionism.
Bulgaria: break dancing, an LED belt, a techno/ska mash-up, a woman with a fan made of feathers and some decks which were on fire. I was actually mildly upset that this failed to go through.
Denmark: man in flat cap and braces sings MOR pop-rock song. Offensively inoffensive.
Georgia:
Me: Oh my God, she’s wearing her sunglasses indoors, how pretentious is THAT?!?
My flatmate: Errr, actually she’s blind.
Me: Oh.
Hungary: soccer mum wearing a dress made of entrails sings another non-descript lesbian power ballad. I preferred the Lordi RAWK! copycat year.
Malta: VODKA! This was truly excellent. A leather-clad feisty vixen singing about how great vodka is. That this didn’t get through is a TRAVESTY! I am so angry I am going to write a letter! SO THERE!
Cyprus: bit tango, lady’s massive coat made the costume change rather less than a surprise. Pfffff, what else to say about this one? Um, she had a really straight fringe…?
FYR Macedonia: a feat in engineering was demonstrated here, as former Yugoslavia’s most pendulous breasts were somehow poured into a gigantic steel-supported push-up bra; imagine a bowl full to the brim of flesh coloured jelly being jiggled about. Actually, better to imagine two bowls of… etc etc. However, any positive impact was destroyed by a shirtless fat man in a white waistcoat. Rapping. What a boob. At one point he came up close to her, stroked her face, leered at her knick-knocks and we all felt physically sick.
Portugal: big old Fado-tinged lesbo power ballad. Boooooorrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiing
Sweden: Oh Charlotte. She may be a Eurovij veteran, but she couldn’t move for botox. As one of our party guests commented: classic BOBFOC (body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.)
Turkey: leather-trousered rock snooze.
Ukraine: Men dancing in boxes. Head tossing synced with beeping noises. Silver-be-dressed Shady Lady in charge. The spirit of Ruslana lives on. Ukraine to win!
Lithuania: Gothic eighties Fabio-alike, complete with a top knot hair do, performs instantly forgettable lesbian power ballad. Partly redeemed by use of wind machine and leather trousers.
Albania: snooze-bian power ballad. Dull, dull, dull. She’s only 16? So what? Zzzzzzzz.
Switzerland: there were six women in my living room watching Paolo Meneguzzi sing and smile. We were all literally salivating. Stupendo indeed. Rrrrrrrrrr etc.
Czech Republic: Five models in silver leotards. Exactly as good/bad as you would imagine.
Belarus: the most interesting thing about this was that the performers were sitting on giant silver balls and would stand up now and again.
Latvia: PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Croatia: featuring an old man dubbed 75 Cents (see what they did there? Clever). So, an old man in a hat sang his modest song and a flamenco dancer wore a dress which was truly beautiful and – shock horror – utterly tasteful. I’m not sure I approve of such flagrant anti-Eurovisionism.
Bulgaria: break dancing, an LED belt, a techno/ska mash-up, a woman with a fan made of feathers and some decks which were on fire. I was actually mildly upset that this failed to go through.
Denmark: man in flat cap and braces sings MOR pop-rock song. Offensively inoffensive.
Georgia:
Me: Oh my God, she’s wearing her sunglasses indoors, how pretentious is THAT?!?
My flatmate: Errr, actually she’s blind.
Me: Oh.
Hungary: soccer mum wearing a dress made of entrails sings another non-descript lesbian power ballad. I preferred the Lordi RAWK! copycat year.
Malta: VODKA! This was truly excellent. A leather-clad feisty vixen singing about how great vodka is. That this didn’t get through is a TRAVESTY! I am so angry I am going to write a letter! SO THERE!
Cyprus: bit tango, lady’s massive coat made the costume change rather less than a surprise. Pfffff, what else to say about this one? Um, she had a really straight fringe…?
FYR Macedonia: a feat in engineering was demonstrated here, as former Yugoslavia’s most pendulous breasts were somehow poured into a gigantic steel-supported push-up bra; imagine a bowl full to the brim of flesh coloured jelly being jiggled about. Actually, better to imagine two bowls of… etc etc. However, any positive impact was destroyed by a shirtless fat man in a white waistcoat. Rapping. What a boob. At one point he came up close to her, stroked her face, leered at her knick-knocks and we all felt physically sick.
Portugal: big old Fado-tinged lesbo power ballad. Boooooorrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiing
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