2012 Semi final #2

Serbia

It may not be a lesbian power dirge, but it's a Serbian ballad, which is practically sacred in Eurovij terms.  This was always going to get through - it had ethnic panpipes for God's sake.

FYR Macedonia

As per usual, semi final #2 is the boring ballads semi.  Bah.  So far, two ballads, two black trouser suited, power-lunged leads (one his, one her) and two sets of slinky lady fiddlers in LBDs. *sigh*  On a more positive note, although sober black suits is not the best Eurovision theme we've seen (that was whips), at least we're getting a theme, finally.  Just a shame it wasn't, say, emeralds and snakeskin.  Or robots.

Netherlands

The Dutch haven't made a final in seven years – eighth time lucky?  No. The lead singer did her best, sporting a full Native American chief headdress, but there was one major problem: the song was beyond pap. Just terrible.  Not even the banjo solo could save it.

Malta

I was going to write this off and then, not only did the song pick up, but they also did some brilliant foot dancing - yes, FOOT dancing... You know... like when you DANCE just using your FEET - foot dancing!  FOOT DANCING.  (No, that's not just 'normal dancing'...  Oh just Google it.)  I also liked the Malteser in pale yellow trousers who did a high forward roll – that's at least BAGA 2.

Belarus

Bendy microphones, grown men fighting over hair straighteners, chain mail.   And yet still rubbish.

Portugal

Oh look, Portugal have chosen a curvy woman to wail a lot over a bit of panpipe action - plus ça change...  EXCEPT it doesn't change.  EVER.  On one level, I do respect them for stubborn persistence in the face of zero success. On another level, dear God, it's dullsome.  Actually, there was one slight amendment – this year the lead singer wore wet-look silver, rather than the traditional full length black wraparound and shawl.  Progress of sorts, I suppose.

Ukraine

Two of my three all-time Eurovision favs are Ukrainian, so my hopes are always SO HIGH and, in the last few years, they have always been SO DASHED.  This year was ok, but it wasn't vintage à la Ruslana or Sveltana.  Plus points: a Sofia Vergara-alike in a dress made entirely of white fringing, with a mad plastic flower crown, surrounded by male dancers in neon uggs and skirts, fake-playing trumpets.   Down side: the entire song involved her screaming 'BE MY GUEST' as loud as she physically could, over and over and over in a range of pitches.

Bulgaria

At first I thought there were a weird shadow being projected on to her thigh area, but it turns out it was just bare upper thigh, and she was, in fact, squeezed into a white rubber mini dress and thigh high boots – think tight white pleather waders. Too much?  Well, yes. But someone else can tell her – she looked like she wouldn't hesitate to peel off her boots and stab you with the stiletto heel through the neck.

Slovenia

For reasons unknown, all six performers were dressed as brides. For other reasons unknown, Head Bridezilla got to drape artificial fruit over her bridal gown; but of course - clearly that's the dress every little girl dreams off - a couple of pears and a banana hanging from the neckline, maybe a kiwi chain round your waist...   Anyway, if this is what the Slovenian Don't Tell The Bride is like, I want BBC4 to purchase it pronto – now Borgen and The Bridge are over, I'm looking for a tense new subtitled drama to get into.

Croatia

Another lady-ballad of snooze – although I woke up at the line was “I'll never pleasure your boo” (least I think that was it, but arguably my Serbo-Croat needs work).  I had to get a beer at this point. Though it is fairly amazing I made it this far sober.

Sweden

Claudia Winkleman in chiffon and pantaloons, performing a contemporary dance routine with a 1) a wind machine, 2) some snow and 3) a surprisingly lithe beefcake. Totally amazing.

Georgia

Hooray! A proper costume change – from sinister monk to gay best friend in one fell swoop. Bonkers stuff, with many highlights – camp drumming (like he didn't actually want to hit the bongo in case it hurt his hands/damaged his nails); a whole section where the sole dance move was to imitate a bitchy whisper and gossip with his lovely corset-ed fag hag lady friends; the random appearance of a contorting woman in a cutout catsuit (Vicki Bryan - @bookwormabroad - rightly tweeted her concerns about the potential wedgie situation); and then a little piano break.  Someone give this guy his own light entertainment show.  I'm fairly sure he'll accept peroxide supplies in lieu of cash payment.

Turkey

Edna Mode may not like them (“NO, NO CAPES”), but that wasn't going to stop these Turkish gentlemen from donning bedsheets round their necks, for a good old swish, before using them to make an on-stage boat. Fine work.

Estonia

The worst ballad yet – basically the rubbish bits of 'can't liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, if living is without yoooooooou', but in Estonian. At this stage, I happily left the room to take my washing out the machine and tidy my dinner away - when chores are better than Eurovision, there's a problem... Well so you'd think, but Europe disagreed and put this through, so what do I know? (I know better than Europe, is the answer.)

Slovakia

My notes say: 'rock – perm – man chest', which I think sums it up quite neatly.  There was also some debate as to whether the lead dude had undergone some, how to put it, fairly extensive waxing, such was the low slung nature of his leather trews.  My view is that the front row almost certainly saw his testicles.  Whether or not they were hair-free is not a matter I propose to dwell on.

Norway

Excellent boy pop, from a gorgeous manchild with such a symmetrical face he might well have been a Ken doll the Norwegians got genetically modified.

Bosnia Herzegovina

The only memorable thing about this piano ballad was that the lady lead was wearing jewel encrusted 3D shoulder pads.

Lithuania

His song was called Love is Blind, so he came out wearing a (sequinned) blindfold – yes, a blindfold. Do you see? A BLINDfold. To signify how LOVE is BLIND.  Wow.  Deep.  Anyway, it was all plodding along in a rather dull fashion, and then – out of nowhere – he whipped off the blindfold, did a one handed handstand and a few Michael Jackson pelvic thrusts, and went all Hi NRG Euro pop. He was smug as hell, so I'd like to bitch that he should have kept the blindfold on, but the reality is that he was not what one might call unattractive.

AND WITH THAT, WE ARE DONE.  BUT WHO WILL MAKE IT TO THE FINAL?!

Though first, a word on the half-time entertainment (Really?! Yes.)  

Let's face it, hopes for this section should never be high, as it's been fairly shit for years (apart from when Jan Delay enabled Vicki and I to GET ON THE TELLY), and what's going to better Riverdance?  (Particularly on a semi-final night?!)  HOWEVER, Baku clearly decided to take a shot at the Riverdance crown and there was a moment when I even thought Flatley was going to be properly bettered, as we were treated to... wait for it... ONLY THE LAST FIVE EUROVIJ WINNERS SINGING THEIR WINNING SONGS (backed by traditional Azeri musicians in a desperate attempt to shoehorn some local flavour).  Amaze!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!11

First out, Russia's Dima Bilan (sadly minus massive-honked ice-skating supremo Evgeni Plushenko) wailing whatever forgettable ballad Putin engineered a win for.  That was then followed by Serbian lesbian power ballad QUEEN Marija Šerifović (who hasn't aged a bit! She still looks exactly like a 14 year old boy) with some more forgettable balladry.  So far, so passable. 

AND THEN, that familiar violin riff, and CUE TOTAL ROOM SWOON, as Norway's Alexander Rybak came out (possibly in all senses of the word), still hot, still with fiddle in hand and promptly put 'I'm in loooooove with a fairytaaaaaaaale' firmly back in everyone's head for the next hundred years.  AND THEN THEN, just as Alex was 'rocking' his violin solo, we all remembered that crazeballs German Lena would be next (having purchased underwear, light blue) with that CHOON 'Satellite'!  Oh the excitement!  Especially as she was still unable to pronounce every other word in a recognisable accent.  ACE stuff.  WUNDERBAR.

As you can imagine, the crowd was in a fair old frenzy by this stage, and not even the prospect of hearing last year's dud, 'Running Scared' from hosts Azerbaijan, was going to faze them. UNTIL, well... from the sublime to the ridiculous, as total shambles ensued.  The Azeri winners Ell and Thingy appeared (he in his presenter suit, she in a gold tea towel of bitterness) and didn't perform any of Running Scared, but instead attempted to sing Waterloo - and I say 'attempted' because, and I can still hardly even believe this actually happened, THEY PROMPTLY FORGOT THE BLIMMIN' WORDS.

TO WATERLOO!

WATERLOO!!!!

How is that even possible?! EVERYONE knows the words to Waterloo, don't they? It's like the holy song!  Anyway, it was awful.  AWFUL.  Not even Marija's lesbian power could save it.

(Mind you, even more awful is the apparent fact that the winners' five-way was shunted to the semi final because the Azeri leader's son-in-law will be performing in the final.  I fear it will all go a bit Sasha Baron Cohen, but, you know, real.  It's a delightful regime, so I hear.)

Anyway, then it was on to the total mess that is annoucing the finalists – where Lithuania (blindfold), Bos-Herz (shoulder pads), Serbia (non lesbian power ballad), Ukraine (fringing), Sweden (AMAZINGNESS), FYR Macedonia (trouser suit), Norway (Ken dåll), Estonia (loo break), Malta (feet dancing) and Turkey (cape ship) were all announced.

And so we must now all try and contain our excitement until Saturday where the ultimate question will be answered:

WHO IS ACTUALLY RICH ENOUGH TO HOST IT NEXT YEAR?!

2012 Semi final #1

Montenegro

Well, what an opener - but at least things could only improve. I missed the start, due to pizza-for-party hostessing duties (classy, no?), but it seemed to involve a fat greasy-haired man muttering about the downfall of the Euro over some slap-bass, and some bum shuffling disguised as break dancing (I swear when one of the dancers got up, he had to rub down a back twinge.). There was also a Trojan Horse on stage, which I assume was an attempt at SATIRE. (HIGNFY take note.)

Iceland

A his'n'hers Serious Pop duet, full of fraught intensity and grimacing emotion and a funeral Disney theme. The lady singer, Icelandic Barbie, struggled a little with the brooding, as her face was stuck in a terrifying grin throughout – I'm guessing the last of her savings went on some pre-volcano dental work and she was darned if 170 million people weren't going to check out the spoils.  The best bit was when she stopped playing her violin and yet the violin sounds continued.

Greece

Obviously Greece cannot win – the financial implications would be disastrous – but they are still gunning for it, which is no surprise, as they are Eurovision stalwarts and I love them for it.  It was basically My Number One*-lite, but seeing as how AMAZEBALLS 'My Number One' was (choreographing dancers into the shape of a '1' – helloooooo? Awesome.), even a toned down version was pretty good. Am sure the lack of fabric was a nod to austerity measures, rather than a shameless attempt to get the hetero male vote (at Eurovision, a pointless enterprise).

*former Greek winner - shame on you if you didn't know that.  Get ye to Google.

Latvia

As soon as they appeared, all of Twitter exclaimed in unison “It's the Latvian loose women” - and it was true. And lo, Latvian Colleen Nolan and Latvian Jane Macdonald donned their finest mother-of-the-bride Coast dresses and had a lovely sing song about beautiful songs on the radio (a concept quite alien to Eurovision, no?) and then one of them claimed (in song) to have been born in 1980 - my, how we laughed! In another lyric, Sir Mick Jagger phoned them up, but they were too busy (hosting Loose Women and singing, I imagine) to be arsed to meet up with him. Creative gold.

Albania

In this profoundly boring performance, the Albanian wannabe Bjork got up and wailed a lot, wearing her own dreadlock as a necklace, with curtains sprouting from her boobs. The wailing then turned to squealing and Europe collectively recoiled, physically pushed back by the sheer power of her lady lungs. I cannot believe San Marino lost to THIS.

Romania

Tangerine mini dress + massive black granny pants + a wind machine + moonwalking bagpiper + a drum with a heart inside that LIGHTS UP WHEN YOU HIT IT = what's not to like?

Switzerland

Scott Mills told us they sounded like The Killers. Not untrue - other than if you were then expecting a hot Brendon Flowers-alike. (Course, they're Swiss, so I'm imagining our expectiations were low, right?)

Belgium

Someone contacted the Beeb to say “I used this as the cool down for my Zumba class today”. BEST. TWEET. EVER.

Finland

My god, apparently it's 'all about the songs' this year – yawn town.  Cursory use of wind machine is not good enough. WHERE IS THE GIMMICK? (NB: singing in Swedish when you are, in fact, Finnish is not gimmick enough.) Next.

Israel

Errr, waaa?  Well, clearly Israel had decided they didn't want to bother this year, so they all got smashed and performed My Lovely Israeli Horse, Rabbi Ted-style.  Really quite bad.  Having said that, drunk Israeli keyboard woman was one of my favourite Eurovij things so far - totally worth a Google.  (When I say 'totally worth a', you know I mean 'do this if you're quite far along the bored scale', right?)

San Marino

Robbed. ROBBED. 'The Social Network Song' was everything I hoped for and more – including the utterly random appearance of a pilot, doctor and cheerleader, for no discernable reason whatsoever.  It could be that they were supposed to represent 'The Village People For The Facebook Generation', but I doubt it – I imagine there just isn't much choice at the San Marino Fancy Dress shop.

Cyprus

“Yeah, she can't really sing, but she looks like Liv Tyler/Anne Hathaway/Katie Holmes. She's in. We'll find her an ice-skating outfit.”

Denmark

Hooray for the first costume change of the night – even if it was just the lead singer taking off her sailor's hat.

Russia

Adorable tone-deaf grannies. Though, on closer inspection, one of them isn't *actually* that old – I'd imagine she's there for health and safety, in case one of them...  can't remember her lines.

Hungary

Dull man rock. (That's what my notes say, and I have no intention of going back to iPlayer to investigate/remind myself further.)

Austria

Trackshittaz. TRACKSHITTAZ. TrackSHITaz. (Geddit?!?) With the seminal classic 'Woki mit deim Popo' which 'hilariously' sounds like “fucky with my popo”. ( No idea why I put the inverted commas around 'hilariously' there – hearing a foreign word that approximates an English swear word is ALWAYS funny.  E.g. "Mein Vater heisst Malcolm.") Not content with the faux swearing, they also got Bridget Nielsen to pole-dance wearing bum lights. How could this not get through?!

Moldova

If I remember correctly (and I really might not), last year, Moldova were the weird ones with the pointy cone hats and the ballerina on a unicycle.  This was a slightly more normalised version of that, with the eccentricity only going so far as allowing the female peformers to bop in comfortable flat ballet pumps rather than painful stacked stilettos.  Hooray for feminism!  I liked this. And, so apparently, did Europe.

Ireland

At first I was worried – why the flat hair? Will it be as good as Lipstick? Have they got old yet? But, of course, there was NO NEED to panic.  We got flat hair because Jedward went for a dance in an ACTUAL FOUNTAIN. (But OF COURSE.)  And it was better than Lipstick - an instant eighties classic!  And they haven't got old!  Phew!  Now then *serious face* Dear Our Holy Lady Dana International, please may Jedward never not do Eurovision and please may Jedward never grow old. (No seriously – they cannot get old. Nothing will freak us all out like old Jedward. *shudders*)  In the meantime - expect total Jedward domination.

Next time...
And so we have it - despite the distinct lack of key and costume changes - our first ten finalists: Iceland (brooding teeth), Greece (austerity fabric), Albania (boring dreadlock), Romania (tangerine bagpipes), Cyprus (Liv Tyler), Denmark (sailor's hat), Russia (grannies), Hungary (forgotten), Moldova (yay) and Jedward (WHOOP).  What delights await us on Thursday?  We can only imagine!  Bring it on.

2011 Final - live in the stadium!!!

Veni, vidi, vici, Dusseldorf. My God, what a weekend! We channeled our inner gay men at the Euroclub, listened exclusively to Eurovision entries (both current and of years gone by), ate our bodyweight in schnitzel and kebabs, danced it all off again, managed to score second row seats in the arena (!!!!), high-fived the performers as they came off stage (leather begloved Eric Saade of Sweden a personal highlight), before a mere 125 million TV viewers watched Vicki and me having a little dance to the half time ‘entertainment’. Anj also got Graham Norton to sign my inflatable yellow microphone.

Today, I am tired. But on balance, it was probably worth it for the EUROVISION AMAZINGNESS.

Here’s my additional comments about the finalists (feel free to cross reference with my semi final blurb – am sure I’ll be contradicting myself all over the shop).

Finland
As twee and awful as this looked on screen, it did work better live and didn’t inspire anything like the same levels of hatred I’d experienced during the semi final. Also, I got a glimpse of the lead smuger just before he went on and he looked like he was absolutely bricking it - his face was still ripe for a slapping, but I would probably only slap him once now. And I’d feel a bit bad about it. Also also, that giant planet on the screen behind him was actually the size of the real planet Earth, so that was also pretty impressive and completely distracted me from the blandness of the song.

Bosnia & Herzegovina
I’ll be blunt, I cannot remember the merest hint of this one.

Denmark
We had an excellent view of his naked back.

Lithuania
Still so very dull. The entire audience remained resolutely seated throughout. I spent my time wondering whether I had time to make a loo dash. (I should have just gone for it – know your audience: no queues whatsoever outside the ladies at any time.)

Hungary
Still, I would have been sad to miss this for a pee break - finally a chance to dance! The crowd were all screeching ‘what about my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife?’ in delighted unison. And her big fat turquoise ring actually lit up towards the end. ON HER FINGER.

Jedward
Our friend Nigel’s hair was dressed as Jedward and though My Lovely Jedward themselves high-fived uncle N on their way out, I’m not sure they clocked that there was anything particularly unusual about his ‘do. You don’t me to tell you this, but I will anyway – they are literally (literally) insane. Their poor mother – not one, but two adult toddlers in a constant state of overtiredness. As good as Jedward’s performance was (and it was - possibly because it didn’t require them to sing at all), my favourite moment was actually later on when they were doing continual starjumps in their booth during the results, regardless of who got the points – it must have been 20 metres up, but those boys wouldn’t let falling to their deaths live to 175 million people stop them. That’s dedication.

Sweden
I touched his glove.

Estonia
She was so very tiny in real life. I actually really liked this catchy number, but the Eurogays demonstrated limited interest - probably Estonia should have spent more of the budget on baby oil and less on cardboard cut outs of cartoon buildings. Oddly, although the song was about a road called ‘Rockerfella St’, the London Eye was featured in the backdrop. Maybe Rockerfella St is that weird industrial road behind Waterloo station which I walked down once, but have never ever, ever, found again.

Greece
Awful. It’s a testament to the utter WOW hotness of their singer that they did so well, but he was jaw dropping. There was a slightly scary moment at the end when they almost melted our faces with their fire decor (can you imagine the amount of cheap hairspray in Nigel’s Jedward hair?!?) but we came through unscathed. Apart from our ears, of course.

Russia
This was one of my favourites, but it just didn’t translate on stage. From the angle we were at it’s possible that the light up jackets lined up in the wrong order and spelled out ‘A XL E’, but hopefully they got their formation and singer’s name right for the TV cameras.

France
The first of the previously unseen Big Five (the five Western nations that fund the whole thing, so are allowed a direct pass to the final – it’s for the best, as no-one votes for them). This was also the bookies’ favourite - well YAWNISSIMO! Seriously, Corsican opera? At Eurovision? I know that lesbian power ballad won a few years ago, but opera just ain’t going to cut it at the Euroclub unless it’s undercut by a thumping techno remix - erreur d’écolier. There were postcards of tenor Amaury knocking around and he was posing in a tight red velvet three piece suit with his hair coiffed in a heavily conditioned ‘Rachel’, so I had very high hopes for his costume. Mais quelle catastrophe! Inexplicably, he opted for waxy surfer dude faux dreadlocks. No wonder he bombed in the voting - he failed to use his best weapon: the world’s shiniest nineties lady hair.

Italy
Chubby Italian piano lounge jazz? Excellent - loo break.

Switzerland
Her dress was genuinely fabulous – clearly inappropriate for this context. It was a sweet song in fact, but just not quite stadium enough to launch the crowd - though the tiny Swiss contingent did wave their flags just that little bit harder. The staging seemed to have upgraded since the semi final to include some bubbles. Woah - don’t go too crazy now guys!

United Kingdom
Although I wasn’t a fan of Blue’s shiny distressed ringmaster costumes, this was a great pop song and it went down a corker in the stadium. I high fived the lot of them as they ran out and shrieked ‘Nice one Duncan!’ before collapsing into hysterical giggles. Interestingly, up close, Antony Costa looks like a Greek Kryten.

Moldova
Actually properly brilliant, pointy hats and all. Not sure if this made the TV cut, but the lady unicyclist’s butt cheeks were properly hanging out of her tutu - big time. I guess unicycling is all about the balance, so if you can wedge yourself on a little bit...

Germany
I have never heard anything like the roar when Lena came on. To best honest, the whole thing was decidedly average, but the crowd absolutely carried it. Last year it was all paired down, which highlighted just how catchy ‘Satellite’ was. This time, they must have realised the song was fairly terrible because Lena updated last year’s LBD to a pantaloon jumpsuit (still in black though - boo), added some dancing ladies in cameltoe-tight silver hooded catsuits and went for lighting inspired by alien abductions.

Romania
Look, let’s just say that everything’s better when you’re watching from the second row. Even the shit ones.

Austria
Impressive acapella belter. Still boring. The Austrian fans had managed to smuggle some sparklers in though, so that was a fun distraction – and, fortunately, a safe seven or eight rows away from Nigel’s hair, which I a little sad to report had wilted slightly by this stage – more ‘backcombed Beethoven’ than Jedward. But still AMAZING, obviously.

Azerbaijan
Wind machine and a very impressive firework curtain. After hearing it at the semi final, the Euroclub, and through two dress rehearsals in the press centre, it’s true that the song had really grown on me. Or, more likely, ground me down. But the winner?!?! Sweden was robbed.

Slovenia
Oh come on, she was wearing a chain mail mini dress and tight PVC platform boot waders – and yet we had to dance alone to this! A travesty!

Iceland
All the comments from the UK were about how the portly man fronting this one looked like James Corden, but in fact, in the (fairly ample) flesh, he looked exactly like Ricky Gervais after a home kit attempt at blond highlights. I’m embarrassed to say that when they all rushed off stage, and Nigel lined up to high-five them, I screamed at him “GET THE FATTY! GET THE FATTY!” (He did.)

Spain
What a sweetheart, and utterly gorgeous in the flesh - she and the Greek would have astounding children. A definite fan and stadium favourite. Shame NO-ONE ELSE IN EUROPE AGREED. HUH! Not that the Spanish ever care about that – this was essentially the same entry they have put forward every year since they joined, and which I have personally loved since my dad videotaped the 1988 show for me and I watched La Década Prodigiosa, transfixed by the lady singers’ puffball skirts and fan-shaped earrings. I must have rewound and rewatched it at least fifteen billion times whilst perfecting the dance routine in our family living room. (Bloody hell, how can that be 22 years ago? I mean, I’m only 22 now. Ahem.)

Ukraine
The sand woman, Mystic Meg, was wearing this massive purple leather stick up collar and there were two holes cut in it, for her to conveniently put her hair through. WTF?! The lesson here is apparently this - if your clothes get in the way of your hair, then no need to change your clothes or put your hair up – just take some scissors to your outfit and customise. It’s a shame that no-one paid any attention to the song, because ACTUALLY it was rather nice. This doesn’t mean I don’t want a mature female high NRG pop sensation next year Kiev – I utterly insist on it.

Serbia
More groovy sixties fun, but better on TV, I think. Got a bit swallowed up by the stadium. Shame really, as I read on Go Fug Yourself that the lead singer Nina usually performs with a band called Legal Sex Department. LEGAL SEX DEPARTMENT!!!! Clearly a band who could totally rouse an arena.

Georgia
More RAWK anger, and better live – nothing like a 32,000 seater stadium to channel your rage. Awesome.

Half time Entertainment
VICKI AND I MADE THE TELLY! It was only really because the German couple next to me stood up and started to self-consciously sway to the music and I felt sorry for them, so Vix and I started some sympathy bopping. Cue a camera in our face, and three seconds of global fame!

Voting
All I’ll say is that it’s a DISGRACE that neighbours vote for each other, unless it’s the UK, in which case it’s a DISGRACE that Ireland didn’t give us 12 points. I’m looking at you too, Malta. Also, I still cannot comprehend how Italy came second – perhaps it was the thought of the bunga bunga party the Italian Eurogays would have put on in Rome next year. Terrifying. But nope, it’s Azerbaijan 2012 (cue Googlemaps meltdown as everyone rushes to see where that actually is. Answer: in Asia).

Well done Azerbaijan – your screaming desperation to win has finally been acknowledged and rewarded. “Hello Europe, this is Baku calling, we have nine hotels and institutional homophobia – it’s going to be a good one!”

2011 Semi final #2

My favourite thing of the evening was actually a man in very tight salmon shorts and a tiara jumping up and down behind the presenters. Which sets the bar high, am sure you’ll agree. And on with the show!

Bosnia & Herzegovina
Shappi Khorsandi and Joey the Lips out of The Commitments kick off with a flirtatious yodel before the hairy bear-y double bass player whips out a triangle. Ting! It goes on for a bit in a plinky plonky dirge and then there’s some synchronised slow motion waving in a line. Mmmmkaaaaay.

Austria
Slinky laydee with a vinyl bob, mega pins and excellent slinky platforms. It’s a bit karaoke, but her voice is actually not bad and she owns the night’s first key change. There’s a lot of smoke on stage, but they seem to have cleverly applied the old classic backing dancer rule: line ‘em up and stick the fat one who’s actually doing the singing on the end.

Netherlands
Well, a white dinner jacket with lace detail – FOR HIM. Jesus Christ. Horrible. And he hasn’t even bothered to wash his fringe. This is the blandest soft rock MOR ever – basically, imagine the most road-like of all roady roads and then look right at the very middle of it – that is where this song belongs. Like roadkill.

Belgium
Belgium, a country so boring I can’t even think of a boring enough metaphor. Hell, the very concept of metaphor is too interesting for Belgium. So, acapella Belgian hiphop then. Hmmmm. It’s not terrible, by Belgian standards, at least. However, Trinny & Susannah would (rightly) have something to say about those dresses on the lady Belgians. Boob tube tops are never the best shape for the curvier lady.

Slovakia
Hot female twins wail R’n’B. They look scarily like Teri Shuster out of Glee. They have massive breasts. That’s really all I have to say about them.

Ukraine
RIGHT, UKRAINE, THAT IS IT! I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I SEE THAT I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN. IF UKRAINE AREN’T GOING UPTEMPO WITH A CROTCH-LEVEL-MINI-SKIRTED MILF FRONTING THE WHOLE BLOODY THING, PREFERABLY WHILST WIELDING WHIPS OR FLAMIMG DRUM STICKS, THEN SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY EFFING WRONG! RAGE! But no, apparently, we have to suffer wailing and sand painting. I give up.

Moldova
Pointy hats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle and strobes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pointy hats and a lady on a unicycle and strobe and trumpets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually fairly shit.

Sweden
Just brilliant. Finally! Catchy pop song, a boyband hotty, wikkid dancing, a weird leather glove (singular) and disco climbing frames, which turn into a disco greenhouse. But of course. *This* is what I wanted from Ukraine and Greece – I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s Eurovision royals Sweden who bring it. Awesome. I predict this will be, ahem, ‘Popular’. HAHAHA – at least I amuse myself.

Cyprus
Aha – some ethnic panpipes! It had been a while, no? Our Cypriot friends appear to be in a field of giant luminous lollipops and the lady singer has managed to pluck one, which she’s now swinging around her head Olympic hammer style. As if it didn’t didn’t make any sense already, there’s a one man capoeira demonstration going on at the side and he hasn’t quite mastered the cartwheel.

Bulgaria
Well it starts with a close up of the pianist’s royal blue shoulder pads, with many black chains hanging off it, so I am SOLD. Think Marie out of Roxette, (or a thin Pink, for any younger viewers) fronting a band which includes a lady guitarist and a song wot’s funky as hell. (They’ve even nicked a riff off ‘Give It Away’ by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Talking of the Chilli Peppers, as no-one at Eurovision will be, has anyone else noticed that socks on penises isn’t a theme we’ve ever seen at Eurovij? A trick missed, perhaps).

FYR Macedonia
Contemporary dance? Really? Do we *have* to? Lead man literally cannot sing, so he’s doing that growling thing. Tom Waits he is not, however. For reasons unknown he eventually starts to growl into a megaphone and the contemporary moves morph into Riverdance – ‘cept the one on the end doesn’t seem to be doing the same moves as the others and is showing off his breakdancing skills. How embarrassing.

Israel
Hello Dana, you old trooper. That’s an interesting wicker dress you have on. If you didn’t catch her interview with Scott Mills, you missed out - she was essentially too high to talk, but when asked what inspired her to write her song ‘Ding Dong’, she simply responded “Horny”. She is fairly amazing though, working the crowd with a slinky catwalk. How unfortunate that the lyric sounds like “it’s making me hard” – she’s singing ‘high’ right? Right?!?

Slovenia
Well, I was about to condone it as a yawnfest and then I noticed that our leading lady was hoiked into a metallic slutty dress, with leather cuffs and thigh high boots. Points ahoy! Vertical stripes may not be her friend, but boy she can sing. And as Mr Cad expertly points out “there's some good wristography going on”. (Three years of Strictly and Eurovision, and I have BROUGHT HIM DOWN, MWAHAHAHA!)

Romania
“Hello is that Bucharest World of Cheese? Can I order a cheese fondue with extra cheese etc etc…” But where the heck are the jazz hands? This chintzy musical theatre number is fronted by an Englishman, so frankly he should know better than to wear stupid stripy trousers and endorse Sally Bowles-esque trumpet mimers pissing around in the background. Sigh. I think I want to smack his face, but not as much as I wanted to smack Finland’s on Tuesday. That cunt.

Estonia
They’re doing that weird doll-like/automaton thing, which always freaks me the bejesus out. Stick it in the dumper with the magic tricks, I say. Still, on the plus side, one of the back-up men has an excellent fuchsia neck ruff and the leading lady is wearing a big curtain tassel round her waist. And the song is as catchy as something that’s very catchy. Like a hang nail. Or herpes.

Belarus
Oooh, hello gimmicks – fire! A xylophone! Light up mic stands! Good, good, good! Also, Belarus in pretty singer shocker! They have put forward some seriously hairy munters in the past – and that’s just the women (BOOM BOOM). This is a ridiculous song, obviously, but I quite like it. I wonder what moved them to call their song ‘I love Belarus’? Amazing how a dictatorship inspires such devotion.

Latvia
Fronted by a perma-tanned chunky Barrowman. The whitest rapping I have ever heard. But worst of all, it’s called Angel in Disguise and they didn’t even bloody have one on stage! An opportunity truly missed. Mind you two of the backing ladies were a little hefty, so might have been men in disguise – it was hard to tell.

Denmark
Predictably boring and not even the quiff and leather trousers can save it. AND THEN HE RUNS AROUND LIKE A NUTJOB AND REVEALS THAT HIS TOP IS BACKLESS. DOUZE POINTS!

Jedward
Best shoulderpads of the night. Remarkably understated.

2011 Semi final # 1: results

Through are: Serbia (GOOD!); Lithuania (BALLAD!); Greece (REALLY?); Azerbaijan (MEH); Georgia (OK!) Switzerland (RICH ENOUGH TO HOST IT NEXT YEAR!); Hungary (TURQUOISE!); Finland (FUCK); Russia (OIL!) and Iceland (NOT HOMOEROTIC ENOUGH!)

2011 Semi final #1

Poland
And we’re off, with an explosion of white lycra and an excellent demonstration of that fabric’s versatility; 70s throwback suits for the lady backing singers, Beyoncé's Single Lady leotards for the dancers, and, best of all, a heavy metal-inspired ice skater costume for the lead singer (indecently short with metal studs all over her white lycra-ed boobies). If only she could sing. At least she can shriek. All in all, too much and yet not enough.

Norway
Backers in red satin and funky lady singer in gold playsuit with the largest gold ruff on her derrière – we can all understand why Vogue so frequently looks to Oslo for inspiration. The ‘haba haba’ refrain is catchy enough – I think it’s trying to be that novelty summer hit that will eventually drive a sane person to violence and murder, but about three months too early and not on heavy rotation in an Ibizan beach bar. Still Trondheim World of Cheese will probably purchase a copy. I’ll get that fiddler Rybek to put a word in.

Albania
Bridget Nielsen with red hair and, rather unadvisedly, a pink dress. She’s asking us to ‘Feel The Passion’, but I’m rather too distracted by her leathery décolletage – she’s tried to smoother it in glitter, but I’m afraid that can’t hide a few too many trips to Tirana Tan Booth. On the plus side, she’s the second singer wearing studs (in classic leather bracelet form), so that’s a Eurovij 2011 theme right there! Another theme is apparently terrible tuning and an inability to sing well.

Armenia
This year Armenia opt to dress their songstress as a sexy Father Christmas and have her walk out of a giant boxing glove. Oh I seeeeeeee - it’s a sexy boxer she’s supposed to be. Boom boom. (That’s the name of the song, by the way, but it does also helpfully illustrate a weak punchline.) Anyway, sexy Father Christmas strips to reveal ANOTHER studded white lycra iceskater dress. Boom boom shaka shaka! - as precisely no-one will still be singing.

Turkey
Turkey love their metal, don’t they? This year they’ve offered up a butch bald Jack Black-alike in daring tight green trousers, fronting an old skool heavy metal band – all sweat and hair (my favourite one has a brilliant tufty beard). Anyway, so as to not alienate the Eurovision audience, who might not appreciate all that guitariness, they’ve cleverly added a distracting lady contortionist in a globe cage. Mind you, on closer inspection, this actually sounds a little Abba-esque – I was just fooled by the band’s perms and facial tuft. At the end Jack Black pulls on a rope and a man dressed as bird appears. But of course. No idea what happened to the contortionist.

Serbia
Oooh, me rather likee. As many sixties clichés as you can fit in one number – fortunately minus Austin Powers, but including bold coloured tights and gallons of white eyeliner, daddio. But it’s all very groovy baby and our Serbian Twiggy can actually sing in tune and EVERYTHING. Also, massive bonus points for singing in your native tongue, love (unless that was English and her accent is even weirder than Lena’s).

Russia
It always amazes me that Russia don’t opt to be part of the Big Four/Five, then I remember that all the ex-USSRers wouldn't dare not vote them through. ANYWAY, 90s boyband explosion on scene – nice to see the choreographer who put Take That in studded pleather and got them to mop each others’ bums with jelly has found reemployment. It also starts out with our blondino screaming “DO YOU FEEL MY HEART EUROPE!” I don’t, comrade, but there’s nothing like a heavily accented nonsensical shout-out to get me on board. It’s a catchy pop number, but the main joy is that Russia haven't opted for a pretentious, overblown, droning ballad. Also of note: leather jackets which LIGHT UP AT THE BACK!

Switzerland
A Swiss miss who looks like a cross between Mila Jovovich and Marilyn from Home and Away does the first pared down number – just a simple girl and her acoustic band, cause it’s all about the music, you see. Ha! They do try to spice it up with a few shots of a not-unattractive double bass player and an unexpected use of the BBC’s 1988 weather cloud symbol on the big LED screen behind, but they can’t shake the obvious - this is pretty dull. Where Eurovision is concerned, it would advisable for Switzerland to avoid neutral - draw on your other influences, guys – I can see a great number making use of cuckoo clocks and Nazi gold.

Georgia
Now that’s better – Georgia are using the giant LED screen to create a church setting – all gothic and vampiric. How very Twilight. Serious fashion points here - the lady singer has sown a lime green sofa cushion on to the front of her skirt and, if that weren’t enough, the band are all sporting matching shoulder pads (*prays that will develop into a theme*). In addition, her voice actually has some power and the song includes surprise rapping with LADY RAPPING INTERVENTION. It may be a nu-metal throwback, but ye Gods, I quite like this one.

Finland
Hansel minus Gretel. Just him and his guitar, which frankly I’d like to shove right up his priggish little... Excuse me. But come on people - what a smug twat. He has a face made for smacking. His song is all about saving the planet and, frankly, it makes me want to charter the biggest fuck-off jumbo jet to Brazil and immediately start mowing down the entire rainforest, or, worse, go to Sainsbury’s and buy fruit exclusively grown in New Zealand. Take that, Al Gore.

Malta
Huh? Malta aren't putting forward a hefty momma belting out a ballad this year? Really? Poor Ciara – I imagine she’s consoling herself with a vat of ice cream and diva-esque thoughts of revenge. Nope, instead of lady lungs they’ve gone for the campest Malteser man they could find. He’s the terrifying spit of Frank Sidebottom and has the most over-plucked and Vaselined eyebrows I have ever seen. So, Mr Malta has insisted on PVC clad backing dancers (think Edna Mode in Gestapo chic) and his backing dancers may or may not be voguing man twins – either way, they finish with a stretched squat pose, so kudos. Am also awarding points for the first key change of the night – hurrah! Ultimately, though, Eurovij veteran Paddy O’Connell tweets it better than I ever could: “grindr may overload in the dusseldorf press centre”. Quite.

San Marino
Welcome San Marino! Is your country even big enough fit all the Eurogays should you win? The likelihood of victory seems low, mind, they’ve chosen a MILFy fox in a slinky and tasteful dress to front some dirge-by-numbers. *sigh*. Still, on the plus side, until now, we had gone ten songs without a ballad. I mean, I call them 'songs'...

Croatia
Magic is like clowns, I always think, bit eighties, faintly scary and ultimately unnecessary. And magic is the main theme here, as a Croatian Noel Fielding in a top hat, who appears to be both magician and DJ, creepily tries to seduce the blonde lead using his conjuror’s skill. Horrible. His main trick seems to be to lure lady singer into a hoop covered in streamers and get her dress to go from black to pink – this should impress, but, to be honest, I was too busy reaching for the remote control to turn her atrocious screeching down. Honestly, we’ve heard some BAD singers this semi, but this one takes the other terrible voices to a new level – she is AWFUL.

Iceland
Aha - Icelandic men in matching waistcoats and jeans. Like a half dressed barbershop quartet, only there’s six of them and they have musical instruments. One of them is fat. That’s basically it. I tried pretending there was some serious homoerotic tension between the portly one and the pianist, in a desperate attempt to make this interesting, but it didn’t work.

(At this point on BBC3, Blue were interviewed and managed to promote smoking. Brilliant. May you never be media trained Lee Ryan.)

Hungary
My God, what a terrifying lady! She’s a, er, mature blonde, wearing one-sleeved turquoise silk, with MASSIVE hair, a MASSIVE voice and a MASSIVE ring. On her finger. At first I thought she was about to launch into “and I'm your laaaaaaaaaaady” and go all power ballad on us, but then she started on about ‘life’ and it took an unexpected turn into tampax ad territory. At one point, given the previous acts, it struck me that her ability to just sing in tune was sufficient and there was no real need for the mime artists doing rubbish jumps behind her. Then they all turned out to be wearing LED clothes and I remembered that gimmicks are key. Well done Hungary. Also – a second appearance for costumes that light up! For me, two appearances a theme makes. Excellent.

Portugal
Tonight Matthew, Portugal will be the village people and the Scooby gang on a demo wielding flower power signs in a multitude of languages. It was utterly bonkerthon. I got quite into it to be honest.

Lithuania
Musical theatre by a brunette Katherine Jenkins who’s enjoyed a few pies in her time – good for her. I was transfixed by her smile – that type of grin is only achieved after YEARS of dedicated training at stage school. She also had fins on the bottom of her dress – what’s that about? No idea. It might have been an attempt at distraction from the dullness of the song. Un-unforgettable. I.e., forgettable.

Azerbaijan
The retch of desperation to win this is always so strong when Azerbaijan come on. So here we go again. Pretty girl, big hair, evening gown, yadda yadda yadda – she and her dancers start off in a queue and do that tried and tested ‘flailing bird’ move that makes the one at the front look like she has sixteen arms – this is what you have to resort to when you can’t afford a real bird costume. But what do you expect - they blew last year’s budget on a pimped up stepladder and these are cautious economic times. Still, they seem to have beg, borrowed or stolen a very powerful wind machine, which is always admirable. Oh dear, turns out this is a Keane-like duet. He wants to snog her. She doesn’t – she’s noticed he has a potato nose.

Greece
A promising dramatic opening scene immediately gives way to tedious serious hip hop combined with traditional folk – guys, we’ve been here before and it NEVER works. Yes, it’s performed by total fitties, but the problem is this: I CAN’T DANCE TO THIS SHIT. Hell, even the professionals can’t dance to this shit. Still, all my sympathies to Greece – they had no choice but to go all My Lovely Horse on this contest’s ass. Come back next year with your usual excessively unbuttoned white shirts and crazeballs dance routines please. Thank you bye.

2011

Comments to follow after the show. Come find me on Twitter in the meantime: @strictlycad