Tel Aviv 2019 - Semi Final #1

Welcome to Tel Aviv, the heart of Europe – or certainly a country with valid European Broadcasting Union membership.  We’re here because Eleni of Cyprus was 100% robbed last year, in favour of a plus-size Bjork-a-like who sang about, oh I forget - emojis and chickens and pretend swears and appropriating cultural heritage or something.  Anyway, as is traditional, 2018 winner Netta kicked things off by being birthed from a giant robot cat and screeching her way around the stage whilst one of her man dancers accidentally knocked one of his colleagues in the head.  That wouldn’t have happened on Eleni’s watch. 

Our four hosts (yes four - seems to be the unfortunate norm these days) are two impossibly beautiful women and two entirely meh looking men.  They’ll be here all week to stutter at the autocue and make jokes that don’t land, because they aren’t Petra Mede.  So I don’t propose we linger here much longer.  Let’s crack on with our 17 semi-finalists – Icelandic BDSM awaits.

1.  Cyprus      

Replay by Tamta

Tamta is Blair Waldorf with an unwashed blonde bob (an impossible plot point, I accept) in leather jacket, chandelier knickers and PVC waders with suspender belts.  It’s a look, for sure.  Our Cypriot Gossip Girl is flanked by male dancers in fancy hats, which I thought might be stetsons, but having spent a valuable few minutes googling “hat styles”, I’d place more as a fedora gaucho cross.  The song is a banger, but may I recommend the pre-recorded version.

Did this make it?  Yup.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

But will it win?  Not without a trip to vocal performance boot camp.

2. Montenegro

Heaven by D mol

The styling here is ‘promotional photograph of the cast of Friends in white suits’.  It’s the one where Monika gets a random red scarf stapled to her lapel, Ross is somewhat wider than I remembered, Joey’s t-shirt is such a deep V it’s a U, there’s considerably less ambiguity about Chandler’s sexuality, Phoebe remains typically underused and Rachel’s breasts are still very much the main focus of all proceedings.  Musically this is a saccharin Disney filler yawnfest.  Certainly no Smelly Cat.

Did this make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

                       

3. Finland     

Look Away by Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman  

Yes, Darude!  Yes, Darude who you’ve actually heard of!  Yes, Darude of Sandstorm by Darude fame!  Yes, that techno-y song that goes duh duh duh duh-duh (pause) duh duh duh duh-duh (pause) duh duh duh duh-duh (etc).  Anyway, Darude has moved away from the musical genre of ‘musical drill noises over a trance beat’ which offered up an international smash, and has instead opted for anthemic pop fronted by a Finnish rockstar man with impeccable facial hair, accompanied by a lady dancer in green and wind machine, whilst Darude himself pisses around in the background on a very small piano.  Theme alert: we’re now on two acts wearing leather jackets and some variation on fishing waders – Finnish rockstar man has thigh-high boot effect embedded into the colouring of his jeans. 

Did this make it?  Negative.

Are we surprised?  Yeah, a little.  The song was catchy enough, and it was performed by a bona fide pop… oh sorry, what’s that, Sandstorm was a hit in 1999?  And you're certain that 1999 is twenty years ago? 

                       

4. Poland

Fire of Love (Pali się) by Tulia

Tulia are a girl band, but the styling is less bra tops and slinky trousers, and more red veils, DIY twig and cracker-jewel crowns and the offcuts of a maypole for a skirt – as if the dress code were ‘sacrificial virgin who wants to turn heads before she’s murdered’.  They’ve also eschewed blended RnB harmonies for deliberately pitchy St Trinians’ school choir.  The song has no discernible tune or hook and sounds bloody awful.  Indeed it is bloody awful, but it’s fairly clear that Tulia ran out of fucks quite some time ago.

Did this make it?  It did not.

Are we surprised?  No, not really – if you're going to dress in traditional Polish folk outfits, it's important to include cleavage and milk churn.

5. Slovenia    

Sebi by Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl

White-clad teen couple sing monotonous stoner pop, whilst staring unerringly into other’s eyes, for they are so deeply in love – *dry heave* *massive eye roll* *dear god young people are SO BORING*.  The level of cringe here is "one Made In Chelsea character asking another Made In Chelsea character out on a date", which is only one level below "two Made In Chelsea characters actually going on a date".

Did this make it? An excruciating three minutes that not only will I never get back, but that I’ll have to experience AGAIN on Saturday.

Are we surprised?  Completely.

But will it win?  If this made it through the semi-finals – and it did – anything could happen.

           

6. Czech Republic   

Friend of a Friend by Lake Malawi

Three clean-cut heart-throbs in skinny trousers and Influencer jumpers (seriously, where can I purchase that mustard sweatshirt), bouncing around looking dreamy whilst performing an absolute ear worm about a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend (actual lyric).  The Czech Rep are carving out a good niche for themselves as the purveyors of kitchsy, cutesy, slightly knowing/ironic boy pop , where the theme tends to be ‘oh I really fancy this girl, but she hasn’t really noticed poor adorable me’, which couldn’t be more of a teenage girl hook.  It is of course also total bollocks IRL, as these fit young pop performers will be heavily drinking and heartily shagging their way through the (admittedly minimal) number of young straight women attending Eurovision.

Did this make it?  This must have easily galvanized the teenage she-vote.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

But will it win?  Top ten?

7.  Hungary  

Az én apám by Joci Pápai  

Portly Hungarian man with teeny-tiny top knot and bare feet.  This had panpipes and understated but dramatic wailing.  (Understated! At Eurovision! Bold times.)  I appreciate I was in an minority, but reader - I didn’t loathe it.

Did this make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  I’m a little sad, but surprised?  That would be a no.

8. Belarus     

Like It by ZENA

                       

Confident forgettable pop by confident forgettable popstrel in white vinyl waders and booty shorts.  The kind of tune I might catch popping into New Look for some ballet pumps, or whilst having to retune the car radio on the motorway.  It was FINE, but I’m mainly sad Belarus have moved away from sending heavy metal pretty boys who like to perform nude in front of projections of wolves and giant babies.

Did this make it?  It did.

Are we surprised?  I suppose it was quite polished, for Eurovision.

9. Serbia       

Kruna by Nevena Božovic

And the dads suddenly wake up – the Serbian Daryl Hannah hath arrived.  Blonde tousled locks, statuesque frame in black evening gown with full leg on show, pouty red lips, breathless singing in a foreign language/big-voiced singing in accented English, own wind machine, string accompaniment and rocky power ballad -  literally all the clichés perfectly ticked.  And then, lest any dads were wavering, she only goes and does some sexy air guitar.  What a pro.  She is magnificent.  Her song is not.

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Yes.

But will it win?  No.

10. Belgium

Wake Up by Eliot

Eliot is a nice boy in an oversized bomber jacket and crew cut who sings Coldplay-esque electronica, backed by three massive drums, two of which are being pummelled by a woman, one of which is being pummelled by one man, which tells you everything you need to know about gender equality, doesn’t it.  There’s one catchy line where our little Belgian sings “I came to fight, I came to fight over you”, which is delivered with all the authenticity and passion you’d expect of a fresh-faced 14 year old who hasn’t spoken to a girl since Infants.

Side note: writing up this entry somehow led me to the Manneken Pis Wikipedia page, which is worth a browse for the costumes they’ve seen fit to dress him in - can’t decide if I prefer judo or saxophone.  I hadn’t ever really backed Belgium, but if they promise to dress the Little Pisser as their winning entry, I am ALL IN for Ghent 2021.

  

Did this make it?  Non / nee

Are we surprised? Non / nee.

                       

11. Georgia    

Keep on Going by Oto Nemsadze             

Well Oto seems a ‘character’, that’s for sure.  There was a heated debate in our house about who he looked like “Jean Reno” versus “an aged J from 5ive” versus “something of the Bronn from Game of Thrones” versus “some Georgian guy in black with a man bun”.  I found Oto to have unexpected sexual magnetism, though it turns out I am completely alone in that opinion.  It’s possible that I was taken in by his five strong Georgian Male Voice Choir – there’s testosterone in the baritone, as literally no-one has ever said because it is even more disgustingly cringeworthy than that duet from the Slovenian love birds.

Did this make it?  No to Oto.  N’Oto, if you will.

Are we surprised? We are n’Oto.

12. Australia 

Zero Gravity by Kate Miller-Heidke

Popera about post-natal depression, which initially seems a) like a bit of a serious bummer and b) a total rip-off of the musical Wicked, right down to the white witch outfit and gravity reference.  However, HOWEVER, it turns out to be an absolutely spectacular, highly moving, incredibly well-staged, slickly performed and beautifully conceived, really sensational piece of art, YES ART.  Basically, Kate (Glinda off Wicked / new mum with PND) and her two more black-clad witchy gal pals perform attached to very tall poles which swing from side to side above a giant projection of the earth, making them look as if they are floating in – get this – ZERO GRAVITY.   Kate’s mates do lots of witchy flailing with mucho chiffon, whilst Kate herself does amazing operatic yodel trills and an entire body hula - and I mentioned them being attached to poles, right?  Throughout.  YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT ART?

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  No.

But will it win?  TEAM OZ.

                       

13. Iceland    

Hatrið mun sigra by Hatari

Where. To. Begin?

By explaining that Harari are a techno punk band, who are performing a song called Hate Will Prevail?

By pointing out that they dress in PVC catsuits with a great deal of stud, buckle, corset, belt, leather thong and bondage detail, as well as hulking great platform boots and zero-powered contact lenses?

By describing their staging - a giant globe/cage at the back of the stage, inhabited by a gimp man who spends the entire performance chained up whilst smacking the cage with a giant bejewelled pugil stick?

By inferring that they have blown the rest of the budget on fire, red lighting and strobes?

By noticing (perhaps most shocking of all) that one of them has a bleached mullet?

By commenting that the music both makes your ears bleed and your feet tap?

By reporting that there’s a key change?

I mean – all of that stands.  All of that, and more.   

Perhaps I’ll leave you with a snippet of their Wikipedia page: “Hatari consists of clean vocalist Klemens Nikulasson Hannigan and harsh vocalist Matthias Tryggvi Haraldsson (‘Clean’ and ‘Harsh’ Vocalists! Who knew?!), and producer/drummer Einar Hrafn Stefansson.  Klemens is the son of Nikulas Hannigan, the head of the trade office division at Iceland's Ministry for Foreign Affairs, and Ran Tryggvadottir, a lawyer for legal firm LMB Mandat.  Matthias is the son of Haraldur Flosi Tryggvason, the owner of LMB Mandat and Gunnhildur Sigrunar Hauks, an artist.  Einar is the son of Stefan Haukur Johannesson, the Icelandic ambassador stationed in London.

It’s... quite something.

Did this make it?   YAS KWEEN!

Are we surprised?  It’s a thrash metal cracker – so no.  Remember Lordi!

But will it win?  A very learned Eurovision friend is seriously considering putting a bet on them.

14. Estonia    

Storm by Victor Crone                   

Victor’s no crone, that’s for sure, as he’s very pretty (not my type, obvz, I’m into Georgian machismo), but he has limited charisma, presence or musicality. He’s styled like a Neighbours’ actor trying to break into the pop scene at the turn of the nineties.  Sometimes he has a guitar, and sometimes he doesn’t.  (I’m struggling with this one, you can tell.)

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Shrug emoji.

But will it win?  Mid-table oblivion.

15. Portugal  

Telemoveis by Conan Osiris          

Deep breath.

Ok.

This is Conan.  Conan has a beard veil made of leather.  Conan is wearing a pleated kimono in a shade of green halfway between emerald and fern, which Esme and Patrick from the Sewing Bee would judge to have been very well pressed.  Conan has matched his well-pressed kimono suit with those trainers I see on the feet of young fashionable men on the buses of South London that look like the bases have been over-inflated.  Conan appears to have halted his dirge-wailing to do some jerky angry dancing and stamping.  Conan has a friend on stage in a long emerald-fern pleated skirt which appears to be equally well-pressed.  Conan’s friend also has emerald-fern evening gloves with pleats of their own, which he wiggles at the camera whilst belly-dancing.  Conan’s friend goes en pointe on his inflated trainers.  More jerking.  More wailing.  More begloved-pleat waving.  This goes on for three minutes before they fake their own deaths - just before we all start to contemplate mortality, simply to make it all stop.

Did this make it?  Europe is denied.

Are we surprised?  It was a pile of absolute steaming horse turd, but Saturday’s final will be the poorer without it.  This is the one the semi-final deniers should return to - it’s not fair on any of us that you shouldn’t all have to sit through that.

                       

16. Greece

Better Love by Katerine Duska

I’m sure I’ve said this before, if Greece isn't putting out a tiny woman with massive lungs in an even tinier dress singing an even massiver choon, I AM NOT INTERESTED.  So you can imagine my appreciation for this sub-par Florence and The Machine number.  I think the theme was white wedding in a Christmas bauble, where the flower decor was a giant pot pourri arrangement, the guests were ballerinas (inexplicably) armed with fencing swords, and the bridesmaids were sporting Marigolds (gloves not flowers).  The bride/singer wore a smock of ruffles, including a vertical one perfectly aligned with her vagina.  There was no groom. 

Did this make it?  Apparently, yes.

Are we surprised?  I certainly am.

But will it win?  Even Cyprus might hold back the douze here.

17. San Marino

Say Na Na Na by Serhat

Serhat is an older Turkish gentleman with a husky voice and a bald cranium, who cannot hit a note to save his life, but somehow has the charm and balls to forge on through, and Europe is full speed behind him.  This was some truly woeful singing, backed by dancers in white suit jackets and Bermuda shorts, fronting a projection designed using solely MS Word, to a joyful disco beat and endless lolz.  As ever, a Sammarinese triumph.

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  We should be.

But will it win?  Serhat seems capable of anything.  And I mean, anything.

And there we go.   We’ve made it through the first semi – what filler whilst the votes get counted?  Rylan doing a little chauffeuring skit I enjoyed greatly, lovely Scott Mills doing a terrible skit about whether Madonna is going to perform at the final (WHO KNOWS?!), before 1998 winner Dana International’s entirely new face mimes a Bruno Mars hit, because – sure, why not, whilst the audience is menaced by a kiss cam, because - sure why not.  

Jayde Adams also appears – sadly underused, for she is a Bristol legend in the  making.  If you want to hear a podcast which regularly references Bedminster Asda as well as the joy of Eurovision, then you are IN LUCK.  And if you start listening now you might be able to get through them all before Thursday night - cause that’s right babies, we’re doing this all again then.  Shalom Europe!  See you for Semi Final two.

Lisbon 2018 - Semi Final #2

Just going to launch in - yesterday was our first long drive as a family of four and I’m only just recovering from the stress. No time for extended niceties about our four Nelly Furtados. (They all looked lovely, even the one dressed like an art deco lampshade.)

Norway

You know Bilderberg, that not-so secret club where the patriarchy meet to hang out, show off their helicopters and decide the world’s fate? There’s clearly a Eurovision equivalent, right? One where Dana International and Concheets wield vital power (having Admin rights to the WhatsApp group) and Johnny Logan bores on to Sonia about the good old days.  And when that group gets together (Loreen can’t ever make it, she’s rillllly busy that night, soz), it must be the case that the two Scandi male victors - 2015 winner, Mans ‘Heroes’ Zemerlow and 2009 winner, Alexander ‘Fairytale’ Rybak - prop up the bar together, taut and superior,  one eyebrow slightly raised, looking on a little snidely at everyone else.  To the outside world, they’ll be Alpha Male besties, constantly taking the piss out of wannabe Dima Bilan, outrageously flirting with posh totty Emmelie de Forest, and remaining a little scared yet aroused by sexy German weirdo Lena.  But let’s face it, Mans and Alexander are really classic fremenies - mates on the outside, furious bitchy rivals within.  So we can only imagine how INCANDESCENT WITH SWEDISH RAGE Mans must have been when he saw Alexander back on the Eurovision stage, having shamelessly nicked Mans’ winning on-screen graphics gimmick right at the start of his act. If you though Fairytale was Gorgonzola, then brace yourselves people, for this piece of stinky cheese could shut down the dairy. Rybak is 100% phoning it in - he could barely be arsed to pretend his violin solo was real - but you can’t escape the winner’s profiency.

Did this make it? Yup.

Are we surprised? Not when you compare it with the rest of tonight’s woeful field.

But will it win? Dr Eurovision thinks so (yes, there’s a man with an actual PhD in Eurovision).

Romania

I know, let’s TERRIFY them into choosing us, by staging an army of white masked mannequins, deftly finding the loophole in the 'only six people on stage' rule.  Why you'd want so many utterly frightening fake people on stage is beyond me, but I did enjoy how that turned this into the worst (best?) ever episode of Doctor Who.  Still, that couldn't mask that this was musical dirge into an extended soft metal rock-out, performed by men dressed as chefs and a woman dressed in purple silk and a personal wind machine.  (Seriously though, when are we getting the Doctor does Eurovision episode? Alien intervention is the only logical explanation for the continued existence of the Eurovision Song Contest.)

Did this make it? No.

Are we surprised? No.

Serbia

Whereby Europe is inducted into a cult by Einstein on panpipes, a three drum drummer, and a high priest and priestess performing a ritual sacrifice (*insert murdering song reference here*).

Did this make it? Yes. LOLZ.

Are we surprised? Repeat after me, the power of sandals, robes and hypnotic chants to a disco beat is strong. Repeat after me, the power...

But will it win? No way.

San Marino

Look I’m happy to mock San Marino’s shoddy Eurovision output as much the next man and the concept here was as random as ever - sticking four small robots at the front of the stage whilst Woman 1 sang and Woman 2 performed a hilarious rap in her PJs and a chiffon red dinner lady coat.  What you might not have noticed - but I did because my toddler insisted on watching this one several times (“I want the little robots though”) - was the immense musical hook.  SO GOOD.

Did this make it?  Robbed.

Are we surprised? Of course not - it’s San Marino; the whole point of their existence is to bolster the numbers at the semi-final stage. Sorry, what’s that you’re saying about a tax haven?

Denmark

WINTER IS COMING. And it heralds stocky Danes in House Stark styling: all wind-swept beards, guyliner and rhythmic marching to an anthemic sea shanty. Sure there were some dirgey undertones, but I’m a total sucker for big drums and choral harmonies. And hot Vikings.

Did this make it? Aye me hearties.

Are we surprised? No - it was actively good.

But will it win? Dark sexy Nordic horse.

Russia

Remember all that hoo-haa last year when Russia’s entry was banned because she’d played in Crimea and the Ukrainians were all ‘uh-uh girlfriend, no visa rights for you, hun lol’?  Well wheelchair-bound Yulia got her turn this year instead - in a not-at-all-pointed dig from the Russians. And what a triumphant rebuke this was not, with Julia plonked atop a giant rock, singing an instantly forgettable song, whilst some contemporary dancers performed some very intense and somewhat jerky contemporary dance, which mainly looked like someone experiencing extreme electric shock, which I’m not saying was based on a real life training technique oh no not at all spasiba do it again better you dancing imbecile etc etc.

Did this make it?  NO!

Are we surprised?  Shock. Of. The. Night.  Shock. Of. The. Flipping. Decade.  Sure the song was total crapola from start to end, but it’s Russia. RUSSIA!  Russia never don’t get through! Russia never don’t make Top Five! If you weren’t worried that Trump pulling out of the Iran deal was going to cause the end of the world, you can start to get afraid now - this is nothing short of a diplomatic catastrophe.

Moldova

Oooooh hello stage craft. It’s all gone a bit commedia dell’arte with this very slick farce involving the opening and closing of legs and windows, all to a catchy tune that grows on you like fungus.  I quite liked this - it had something of the old skool Eurovision about it.

Did this make it? They did!

Are we surprised? The Moldovans usually do something bonkers for Eurovision which no-one else even remotely understands, but when they harness the crazy and mould it into something that has an actual plot, turns out Europe loves it.

But will it win? Might do well, but Chisinau 2019 (totes had to look that up) still seems a little unlikely.

The Netherlands

Nashville Bon Jovi with unexpected hip hop dancing; I was fully expecting Juliette Barnes to make a cameo at any moment (God that was a good show, until that awful child emancipation plot-line). I bloody love a bit of overblown country-pop, and what could be more authentic than Dutch country and western.

Did this make it?  Ja ma’am.

Are we surprised? With all the shite coming later tonight, anything even mildly good was going to get through this semi-final.

But will it win? Whether Europe will rate it as much as me - and more than the Cypriot bikini catsuit - I’m not so sure.

Australia

The crowd love love loved this.  For me, it was the Canary Wharf of pop music - clinically hitting everything a pop song/office complex needs, but no real soul at the heart of it.  Let me be clear - my view is a minority one.

Did this make it? 100%.

Are we surprised?  Nope. Oz are still making the most of being a relative novelty and, despite my own personal indifference, this is unmistakably higher quality stuff.

But will it win? Maybe. And a European country gets to host it, if so. (Hey Oz, it’s your old Pommy mates the UK here...)

Georgia

A five voice old man choir, droning on in Georgian. They literally have zero Eurovision fucks to give. 

Did this make it? Hahahahahaha no.

Are we surprised? See above.

Poland

Leather hat, aviator glasses and out of tune electro-pop - completely uninspired, even when they put a doink on it.  It made me miss the Page 3 milkmaids. 

Did this make it? Thank gawd no.

Are we surprised? Poland usually benefit from the diaspora vote, but they must've been like, Jesus, we can’t have our friends and colleagues in our adopted country associate us with that tosh. Put the phone away - we need to keep this on the downlow.

Malta

Another curvy Malteaser lady - whereby “curvy lady” means “normal sized lady”. She’s singing in a box that’s unplugged itself from the Matrix but the connection is poor, so it keeps transforming into a shop’s changing room where a woman is continually revealed dancing in her flesh-coloured M&S bra and pants.  It's a bit embarrassing, but the song is an excellent dance stomper.

Did this make it? Nope.

Are we surprised? Yes!  Especially because...

Hungary

A terrible terrible Gen Z rawk grunge number. I refuse to dwell on this any further.

Did this make it? So I’m told. I don’t accept really this outcome.

Are we surprised? Clearly.

But will it win? *gasps in horror like Mark-Francis being asked to cut grapes without one’s grape scissors*

Latvia

Latvian mega-beauty - and I mean MEGA BEAUTY - does some slightly arrogant (did I mention the mega-beauty-ness?) faux jazz in a smouldering red mullet dress.

Did this make it? Nope.

Are we surprised? Neutral.

Sweden

Billy Bookcase Timberlake meets Reindeer Meatballs Bieber - this is a man with smug eking out his pores, it's even penetrating through his second skin jeggings via an unrelenting bum wiggle.  This isn’t at the Euphoria / Heroes end of the Melodifestivalen scale, but even Sweden's mediocre stuff blows most Eurovij attempts out the water.

Did this make it? And easily.

Are we surprised? Not at all - Sweden failing would be as surprising as Azerbaijan or Russia not making the f... oh.

But will it win? I don't think so, but even I’d throw a vote at this up-himself bastard for a chance to see Petra Mede on hosting duties again.

Montenegro

Well he has an, erm, kind face, so it was a bold choice to try and to try and tap into his sexual charisma with a shiny turquoise rhinestone-effect dress suit.  Our hero is accompanied by a gang of brides or angels or vestal virgins or something – lots of white and feathered shoulder detail.  It’s slow and a bit musical theatre and it’s already forgotten as it’s even being sung.

Did this... I’m not even bothering - no to all of it.

Slovenia

About a minute in, I turned to Mr Cad and asked “is this... grime?” (like he’d know better than me - lolz).  I’ve heard of grime because the millennials in my office discuss it and I once listened to a Radio 4 documentary about the Cardiff grime scene.  Anyway, regardless of the genre, I got well into this, even the entirely staged moment when the music was cut and the Slovenian Lady Grimes had to get the beat back via audience participation with some truly ham-ham acting.  OK, I just realised what this sounds like: The Sesame Street Brush Your Teeth training song. “Grime.” HA!  RIP my youth.

Did this make it?  It's a grimey yes from Europe!

Are we surprised?  Pleasantly so.

But will it win? Top half of the table. (You realise I know nothing and make these predictions up on a whim, right?)

Ukraine

Vampire-ovision. Man rises from giant coffin-piano and emotes like Edward for Bella, if Edward were a Ukrainian man with one white contact lens.

Did this make it?  Yes. Twilight fan faction has a lot of answer for.

Are we surprised? Given the song and performance, yes. Given that it’s Ukrainian Eurovision (long since one of my favourite musical sub-genres - present company excluded), no.

But will it win? Only if the vote comes from the vampire erotica Reddit pages.

That's all folks.  I think we're in for a really good final, Hungary aside, oh my days.  We actually seem to have a few surprisingly good attempts from the Big 5; I was listening to the Eurovision 2018 playlist on Spotify and ran out of skips, so was forced to listen to the German entry in full - it transpires it's an Ed Sheeran's ditty about his love for his parent, which was totes emosh for this here mother.  I then got the French one about the refugee crisis so that was CRYING EMOJI x 100000.  (I drew the line at listening to Belarus again, and turned it off, before discovering it had sent the baby to sleep.)  In terms of winners though, it's Team Cyprus for me, with smatterings of our Nordic buddies Denmark and Holland.  Though I'm now also half won round to the HILARITY of the Irish entry winning with such an atrocious song, but a symbolic dance routine that got the Chinese banned from broadcasting the final.

Let the Euro-joy roll on!

Lisbon 2018 - Semi Final #1

Good evening Lisbon, and all that jazz.  It’s Eurovision Week, and I have two month old baby, so gawd knows what my brain will spew out for y’all.  On the Euro shop floor, Portugal has trotted out four Portuguese lady-lovelies to present proceedings, all of whom have dental veneers that hurt to look at directly, all of whom are called Nelly Furtado, and all of whom have very impressive Sarah Connor Terminator arms, my guess is they're thoroughly toned from fist-fighting over who would be forced to wear the awful electric blue Angelina Jolie meets Quality Street wrapper dress (Nelly Furtado Number Three it turns out).

No Ukranian rapping to open tonight’s show (sad), so let’s get straight to it – great news, as to overrun would be unacceptable to someone who’s bedtime is currently 9pm.

Azerbaijan

If I did a Word Cloud of my blog archives, it would be safe to say that ‘female’, ‘leotard’, ‘wafty’, ‘white’, ‘chiffon’, ‘club’, ‘banger’ and ‘strobes’ would feature very prominently, as they did on the Azeri stage.  They also offered up ‘giant’, ‘triangles’, ‘staging’, ‘glitter’ and ‘the stench of Impulse Body Spray’.  The ‘yoga-position-ography’ was perhaps more niche (I believe they call that Warrior Two, namaste), but this was Eurovision By Numbers, down to a performance that could double as a Bodyform commercial.

Did they make it?  Nah-zerbaijan.

Are we surprised? Yes. The Azaris are Nu-Eurovision stalwarts – but even stalwarts can get screwed by bribing the wrong judges getting a rubbish place in the draw.

Iceland

Full blown boy ballad which I did not hate! *faints*. That doesn’t mean I liked it, of course, but I appear to have a soft spot for an Icelandic slow.  The choice of red polo-neck and white blazer with scarlet shoulder detail was surprising - no nineteen year old man-child should have to don such ridiculous outfits in the name of ceremony, but given what they made us wear for Oxford Matriculation, I’m there with you, man-child. #solidarity. (Am with you too, lady backing singers with unforgiving ombrage gusset.)

Did they make it? No.

Are we surprised? No.

Albania

Whilst the look (goatees, studs, Brian May perm, leather-vested drummer, guitars plural) suggested eighties soft metal, listen closely and it was a Manic Street Preacher fronting a Del Amitri backing track.  In Albanian.  

Did they make it?  Albania are indeed one of our finalists.

Are we surprised?  Hugely!  But lest we forget, Del Amitri were an underrated but stealthily popular band.  And that was without a leather vested drummer to propel them upwards.
But will they win? Guys. No.

Belgium

More nineties vintage (it kills me that that’s a thing), as a waify Belgian Manic Pixie Girl does a Portishead knock off - course even third rate Portishead is better than most Eurovision, so well done Belgium.  There was a lot of chiffon over bra-less top half going on and I feared a wardrobe malfunction, but strategically placed hair and velvet covered the relevant bases.

Did they make it?  Sadly no.

Are we surprised?  A little.  It was a good tune, but the live was a bit, um, forced.

Czech Republic

Brace yourselves Europe, this is the first in a series of acts who have gone full kitchen sink and thrown everything at their entry.  In this case, Cocky Czech Boy dressed full twat (and ready to bully Poloneck Iceland) in bow tie, braces, glasses, cropped pants and little red leather ruck-sack.  CCB proceeds to merrily sing of infidelity, sperm and penii (props for “I know you bop-whop-a-lu on his wood bamboo”), whilst his two spoddy mates in shell suits do the whitest boy breakdance moves all to a sax (I said sAx) riff.  All this whilst CCB alternates between rapping about wood bamboo and imitating some New Jack Swing FROM THE NINETIES OH MY GOD THE NINETIES AGAIN IS THIS AN AGREED THEME SURELY IT MUST BE IT CAN’T JUST BE THAT ALL MY REFERENCES ARE FROM THE NINETIES BECAUSE I’M PUSHING 40 AND THE NINETIES WAS WHEN I LAST TOOK A GENERAL INTEREST IN POP MUSIC THAT’S NOT EUROVISION AND... Oh shit.)

Did they make it? Obviously - one of the dance moves was taking off the rucksack and putting it on again.

Are we surprised? They used Vanilla Ice as a major cultural reference, so what do you think?
But will they win? I wouldn't bet against it.  (Wouldn't bet on it, either, mind.)

Lithuania

Earnest little Lithuanian lovely, in archetypal peach bridesmaid's dress, singing an earnest little lovely song, at the end of which she gets to snog a boy on a bridge.  Or so my notes say – I remember very little of it TBH.

Did they make it? Yup – it seems Europe loves a (nineties?!?) romcom.

Are we surprised?  It was all rather touching, so I guess not.
But will they win?  Not an impossibility.

*** At this point in the BBC show, Scott Miles interviews the composer of the Moldovan entry and it’s unexpectedly excellent.  Worth an iPlayer, for I have no idea how to possibly describe it. ***

Israel

If you thought the Czech Rep had everything... well get ready to think again.  This ‘everything’ is what you get when you combine hints of Verka, Bjork, Ed Sheeran, Nicki Minaj, manga, plus size modelling, catsuits, giant sleeves, double buns. the Chicken Song arms, super hero boots, Dragon Castle on the Walworth Road, shouting (so much shouting), a word that sounds almost exactly like ‘motherfucker’ but apparently isn’t the word motherfucker, and an ongoing alarm sound that will drill your brain for the rest of the evening.  Clearly Israel are DESPERATE to win this again and it’s driven them to Carrie Mathison listening to jazz with a bottle of white wine in her system levels of crazy.

Did they make it?  Durrrrr – of course they did.

Are we surprised?  Not in the slightest.
But will they win?  It's a bit too much for Europe I think.

Belarus

On the plus side, this had quite a good performance from the dancing lady emoji.  On the downside, the focal point was a heap of rubbish red rose imagery which culminated in the male singer ripping open his shirt to reveal a bed of roses growing out of his bare back.  It looked both overwhelmingly fake and highly repulsive.  Even the most ardent schlock horror fan would have been all Bye, Felicia on this one.

Did they make it?  Clearly not.

Are we surprised?  Clearly not.

Estonia

Elevating lighty-uppy dresses accompanied by big lady lungs are nothing new, but this is the lightyiest-uppyiest dress so far.  Vorsprung Durch Technik, right?  The lighting effects were pretty impressive though - they started by projecting a Disney’s Frozen bedspread on to her skirt and went via ‘oil spill’ and ‘lit matches’ to ‘huge waves of gushing red’, which... on a skirt... is brave.  The song?  A popera snoozefest.

Did they make it?  I had to double-check, but yes.

Are we surprised?  Kinda.  But Big Skirt Big Lungs is an ever popular combo so it turns out.
But will they win? Nope.

Bulgaria

Experimental theatre meets alien abduction - all lasers, ‘tude and entirely black outfits, including some chunky old knitwear must have been less than fragrant given the temperatures. There are four men on stage, with varying degrees of attractiveness, but they are mere Sleeperblokes to main lady’s giant Sia wig and ‘I’ve led a life of whisky drinking’ melty-face.  What she lacks in facial smoothness, she makes up for in shoulder pads, talons and alpha female intimidation.  The song is one of those electro-goth numbers that some parts of south-eastern Europe go mad for and inevitably get through to the final, in spite of my own personal apathy on the matter.

Did they make it?  It inevitably got through.

Are we surprised?  No, despite my own personal apathy on the matter.
But will they win? I struggle to see it victorious.

FYR Macedonia

Terrible cod reggae morphing into terrible cod disco from a woman wearing Bridget Joneses and a fuchsia blazer turned backwards – someone took heed to listen to ‘the boobs or legs’ advice.  Oh wait, no they didn’t – she’s now stripped to a chainmail top with discernible pendulousness.

Did they make it?  That would be a no.

Are we surprised?  Did you read my description?

Croatia

Mr Cad thought she had something of the Melania about her and I don’t disagree.  Certainly the fashion choice – black lace body suit with side pelmet and oversized mirkin detail – was, how to say, experimental – though not in that Michael Jackson / Republican Stepford Fembot fake Melania generally goes for.  Oh crikey, Croatian FLOTUS is now unexpectedly rapping, before going back to some musical droning about horses and roses in the rain.  This is... not good.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  No.

Austria

Hot guy in PVC patched jumper on a raised rig sings – brace yourselves – a competent pop ditty.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s no Euphoria, but I’d jig at least one shoulder to this if it came on the car radio.

Did they make it?  Yes!

Are we surprised?  Yes!  Well done Europe.
But will they win?  In a very poor year, perhaps.  Probably not this time though.

Greece

White dress, big hair, wind machine, panpipe action, fire fountains, big drums, making you wait for the beat to drop: this was basically every Greek entry for the past twenty years.  But every Greek entry is every Greek entry for the past twenty years, so you know...

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  I’m always astounded by a Grecian failure, even when it’s sub-par.  Booo - it’s not proper Eurovision without the Cypriot-Greek douze points mutual appreciation society appearance in the final.

Finland

Well if you thought Israel had everything... Think again suckers!  Finland are on, and they're bringing smeared eyeliner, a Croydon facelift, actual singing on a 360 spinning wheel, backing dancers crawling through smoke then sashay-away-ing in Gestapo-gloved outfits with leatherette detail, proper choon banger about Monsters... and that was just Minute 1.  More of the same through Minutes 2 and 3 (why mess), culminating in our Finnish diva brandishing an ejaculating fire cracker and radiating triumph.  This. Was. Excellent.

Did they make it?  And then some.

Are we surprised?  The girl hit the big notes whilst spinning upside down - this was an inevitability.
But will they win?  I'm tempted to think it could happen.

Armenia

Horsemeat Disco Bear wailing and emoting in (more) chunky knitwear; apparently black woolly jumpers are a new Eurovision theme.  I didn’t have money on Scandi Noir practicality meets goth vibes, but there you go.  It’s like monkeys and Shakespeare I guess – all fashion looks will make an appearance sooner or later.  It's just maths.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Could’ve gone either way, frankly. Not from a quality point of view, you understand.

Switzerland

Steven Tyler in Swiss Miss form (She-ven Tyler, if you will).  Yup, we’re back to the nineties.  Wide brimmed hat: check.  World’s tightest trousers: check.  Toned midriff of enviable proportions: check.  Microphone stand covered in scarves which gets dragged around the stage but is never actually used for the mic: check.  Obviously this was pretty terrible, but we did also get 'catchy old tune which will stick in your head for quite some time to come': check.  My surprise guilty pleasure, as it turns out.

Did they make it?  Nein / non / no.

Are we surprised?  Nein / non / no.

Ireland

Instantly forgettable pop song preformed by clean-cut boy on acoustic guitar, convent-collared girl on piano, and two very nice young dancing men who seem to be really rather good friends indeed.  Like, suspiciously good friends... Perhaps friends who enjoy each others wood bamboo.  The choreography / gay love story was a shameless attempt to pull in the gay vote really lovely and sweet, but here’s the thing - none of us should have to listen to that song again.  Fortunately that’s obviously not a problem as there’s no way something that turgid is getting through.

Did they make it?  Of course they didn.. WHAT? IT’S THROUGH? ARE YOU... *redacted*.  

Are we surprised?  WE ARE.
But will they win?  I mean, puh-leaze.

Cyprus

So Israel out-everything-ed the Czech Republic, then Finland out-everything-ed Israel, and we thought that was that, but here come Cyprus, out-everything-ing everything with pure, sheer amazing everything everythingness. Simply extraordinary Cypriot work: Beyonce Barbie (and her Destiny Minions) in a multi-coloured sprayed-on bejewelled bikini catsuit, shaking her beautiful split ends, gyrating and singing and gyrating and singing and gyrating and singing, spitting out lyrics about highs, fires, and pelicans fly fly flying (yup, really).  The energy levels were only achievable by miming and/or cocaine something else.  Just immense.  Helsinki 2019 is looking a distant memory already.

Did they make it?  Can you even IMAGINE if Ireland had got through and this hadn’t?  Yes yes yes, clearly yes.

Are we surprised?  WE ARE NOT.
But will they win? Hottest tip of the night.

And that's all for now - I'm off to bed a little peeved, as the show overran to an unacceptable a few minutes after 10pm UK time.  I'm not as peeved as Jon Ola Sand - no wonder Portugal weren't allowed to win for forty years.