Welcome to Tel Aviv, the heart of Europe – or certainly a country with valid European Broadcasting Union membership.
We’re here because Eleni of Cyprus was 100% robbed last year, in favour of a
plus-size Bjork-a-like who sang about, oh I forget - emojis and chickens and
pretend swears and appropriating cultural heritage or something. Anyway, as is traditional, 2018 winner Netta kicked things off by being
birthed from a giant robot cat and screeching her way around the stage whilst
one of her man dancers accidentally knocked one of his colleagues in the
head. That wouldn’t have happened on
Eleni’s watch.
Our four hosts (yes four - seems to be the unfortunate norm these days)
are two impossibly beautiful women and two entirely meh looking men. They’ll be here all week to stutter at the
autocue and make jokes that don’t land, because they aren’t Petra Mede. So I don’t propose we linger here much
longer. Let’s crack on with our 17 semi-finalists
– Icelandic BDSM awaits.
1. Cyprus
Replay by Tamta
Tamta is Blair Waldorf with an unwashed blonde bob (an impossible plot
point, I accept) in leather jacket, chandelier knickers and PVC waders with
suspender belts. It’s a look, for
sure. Our Cypriot Gossip Girl is flanked
by male dancers in fancy hats, which I thought might be stetsons, but having
spent a valuable few minutes googling “hat styles”, I’d place more as a fedora
gaucho cross. The song is a banger, but
may I recommend the pre-recorded version.
Did this make it? Yup.
Are we surprised? Nope.
But will it win? Not
without a trip to vocal performance boot camp.
2. Montenegro
Heaven by D mol
The styling here is ‘promotional photograph of the cast of Friends in
white suits’. It’s the one where Monika
gets a random red scarf stapled to her lapel, Ross is somewhat wider than I
remembered, Joey’s t-shirt is such a deep V it’s a U, there’s considerably less ambiguity about Chandler’s sexuality, Phoebe remains typically underused and
Rachel’s breasts are still very much the main focus of all proceedings. Musically this is a saccharin Disney filler
yawnfest. Certainly no Smelly Cat.
Did this make it?
Nope.
Are we surprised? Nope.
3. Finland
Look Away by Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman
Yes, Darude! Yes, Darude who
you’ve actually heard of! Yes, Darude of
Sandstorm by Darude fame! Yes, that techno-y
song that goes duh duh duh duh-duh (pause) duh duh duh duh-duh (pause) duh duh
duh duh-duh (etc). Anyway, Darude has moved
away from the musical genre of ‘musical drill noises over a trance beat’ which offered up an international smash, and has instead opted for anthemic pop fronted
by a Finnish rockstar man with impeccable facial hair, accompanied by a lady
dancer in green and wind machine, whilst Darude himself pisses around in the
background on a very small piano. Theme
alert: we’re now on two acts wearing leather jackets and some variation on fishing
waders – Finnish rockstar man has thigh-high boot effect embedded into the
colouring of his jeans.
Did this make it? Negative.
Are we surprised?
Yeah, a little. The song was catchy
enough, and it was performed by a bona fide pop… oh sorry, what’s that,
Sandstorm was a hit in 1999? And you're certain that 1999 is
twenty years ago?
4. Poland
Fire of Love (Pali się) by Tulia
Tulia are a girl band, but the styling is less bra tops and slinky
trousers, and more red veils, DIY twig and cracker-jewel crowns and the offcuts
of a maypole for a skirt – as if the dress code were ‘sacrificial virgin who
wants to turn heads before she’s murdered’.
They’ve also eschewed blended RnB harmonies for deliberately pitchy St
Trinians’ school choir. The song has no
discernible tune or hook and sounds bloody awful. Indeed it is bloody awful, but it’s fairly
clear that Tulia ran out of fucks quite some time ago.
Did this make it? It
did not.
Are we surprised?
No, not really – if you're going to dress in traditional Polish folk outfits, it's important to include cleavage and milk churn.
5. Slovenia
Sebi by Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl
White-clad teen couple sing monotonous stoner pop, whilst staring unerringly
into other’s eyes, for they are so deeply in love – *dry heave* *massive eye roll* *dear god
young people are SO BORING*. The
level of cringe here is "one Made In Chelsea character asking another Made
In Chelsea character out on a date", which is only one level below "two
Made In Chelsea characters actually going on a date".
Did this make it? An
excruciating three minutes that not only will I never get back, but that I’ll
have to experience AGAIN on Saturday.
Are we surprised?
Completely.
But will it win? If this
made it through the semi-finals – and it did – anything could happen.
6. Czech Republic
Friend of a Friend by Lake Malawi
Three clean-cut heart-throbs in skinny trousers and Influencer jumpers
(seriously, where can I purchase that mustard sweatshirt), bouncing around
looking dreamy whilst performing an absolute ear worm about a friend of a
friend of a friend of a friend (actual lyric).
The Czech Rep are carving out a good niche for themselves as the purveyors of
kitchsy, cutesy, slightly knowing/ironic boy pop , where the theme tends to be ‘oh I
really fancy this girl, but she hasn’t really noticed poor adorable me’, which
couldn’t be more of a teenage girl hook. It is of course also total bollocks IRL, as
these fit young pop performers will be heavily drinking and heartily shagging
their way through the (admittedly minimal) number of young straight women
attending Eurovision.
Did this make it?
This must have easily galvanized the teenage she-vote.
Are we surprised?
Nope.
But will it win? Top ten?
7. Hungary
Az én apám by Joci Pápai
Portly Hungarian man with teeny-tiny top knot and bare feet. This had panpipes and understated but
dramatic wailing. (Understated! At Eurovision! Bold times.)
I appreciate I was in an minority, but reader - I didn’t loathe it.
Did this make it? Nope.
Are we surprised? I’m
a little sad, but surprised? That would
be a no.
8. Belarus
Like It by ZENA
Confident forgettable pop by confident forgettable popstrel in white
vinyl waders and booty shorts. The kind
of tune I might catch popping into New Look for some ballet pumps, or whilst having
to retune the car radio on the motorway.
It was FINE, but I’m mainly sad Belarus have moved away from sending
heavy metal pretty boys who like to perform nude in front of projections of
wolves and giant babies.
Did this make it? It
did.
Are we surprised? I
suppose it was quite polished, for Eurovision.
9. Serbia
Kruna by Nevena Božovic
And the dads suddenly wake up – the Serbian Daryl Hannah hath
arrived. Blonde tousled locks,
statuesque frame in black evening gown with full leg on show, pouty red lips, breathless
singing in a foreign language/big-voiced singing in accented English, own wind
machine, string accompaniment and rocky power ballad - literally all the clichés perfectly
ticked. And then, lest any dads were
wavering, she only goes and does some sexy air guitar. What a pro.
She is magnificent. Her song is
not.
Did this make it?
Yes.
Are we surprised?
Yes.
But will it win? No.
10. Belgium
Wake Up by Eliot
Eliot is a nice boy in an oversized bomber jacket and crew cut who sings
Coldplay-esque electronica, backed by three massive drums, two of which are
being pummelled by a woman, one of which is being pummelled by one man, which
tells you everything you need to know about gender equality, doesn’t it. There’s one catchy line where our little
Belgian sings “I came to fight, I came to fight over you”, which is delivered
with all the authenticity and passion you’d expect of a fresh-faced 14 year old
who hasn’t spoken to a girl since Infants.
Side note: writing up this entry somehow led me to the Manneken Pis Wikipedia page, which is worth a browse for the costumes they’ve seen fit to
dress him in - can’t decide if I prefer
judo or saxophone. I hadn’t ever really
backed Belgium, but if they promise to dress the Little Pisser as their winning
entry, I am ALL IN for Ghent 2021.
Did this make it?
Non / nee
Are we surprised? Non / nee.
11. Georgia
Keep on Going by Oto Nemsadze
Well Oto seems a ‘character’, that’s for sure. There was a heated debate in our house about
who he looked like “Jean Reno” versus “an aged J from 5ive” versus “something
of the Bronn from Game of Thrones” versus “some Georgian guy in black with a
man bun”. I found Oto to have unexpected
sexual magnetism, though it turns out I am completely alone in that opinion. It’s possible that I was taken in by his five
strong Georgian Male Voice Choir – there’s testosterone in the baritone, as
literally no-one has ever said because it is even more disgustingly
cringeworthy than that duet from the Slovenian love birds.
Did this make it? No
to Oto. N’Oto, if you will.
Are we surprised? We
are n’Oto.
12. Australia
Zero Gravity by Kate Miller-Heidke
Popera about post-natal depression, which initially seems a) like a bit
of a serious bummer and b) a total rip-off of the musical Wicked, right down to the white witch outfit and gravity reference.
However, HOWEVER, it turns out to be an absolutely spectacular, highly
moving, incredibly well-staged, slickly performed and beautifully conceived,
really sensational piece of art, YES ART. Basically, Kate (Glinda off Wicked / new mum with PND) and her two more black-clad
witchy gal pals perform attached to very tall poles which swing from side to
side above a giant projection of the earth, making them look as if they are
floating in – get this – ZERO GRAVITY. Kate’s mates do lots of witchy flailing with mucho chiffon, whilst Kate herself does amazing operatic yodel
trills and an entire body hula - and I mentioned them being attached to poles, right? Throughout. YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT ART?
Did this make it?
Yes.
Are we surprised? No.
But will it win? TEAM OZ.
13. Iceland
Hatrið mun sigra by Hatari
Where. To. Begin?
By explaining that Harari are a techno punk band, who are performing a
song called Hate Will Prevail?
By pointing out that they dress in PVC catsuits with a great deal of
stud, buckle, corset, belt, leather thong and bondage detail, as well as
hulking great platform boots and zero-powered contact lenses?
By describing their staging - a giant globe/cage at the back of the
stage, inhabited by a gimp man who spends the entire performance chained
up whilst smacking the cage with a giant bejewelled pugil stick?
By inferring that they have blown the rest of the budget on fire, red lighting and
strobes?
By noticing (perhaps most shocking of all) that one of them has a
bleached mullet?
By commenting that the music both makes your ears bleed and your feet
tap?
By reporting that there’s a key change?
I mean – all of that stands. All
of that, and more.
Perhaps I’ll leave you with a snippet of their Wikipedia page: “Hatari consists of clean vocalist Klemens Nikulasson Hannigan and harsh
vocalist Matthias Tryggvi Haraldsson (‘Clean’
and ‘Harsh’ Vocalists! Who knew?!), and producer/drummer Einar Hrafn Stefansson. Klemens is the son of Nikulas Hannigan, the
head of the trade office division at Iceland's Ministry for Foreign Affairs,
and Ran Tryggvadottir, a lawyer for legal firm LMB Mandat. Matthias is the son of Haraldur Flosi
Tryggvason, the owner of LMB Mandat and Gunnhildur Sigrunar Hauks, an
artist. Einar is the son of Stefan
Haukur Johannesson, the Icelandic ambassador stationed in London.
It’s... quite something.
Did this make it? YAS KWEEN!
Are we surprised? It’s
a thrash metal cracker – so no. Remember Lordi!
But will it win? A very learned
Eurovision friend is seriously considering putting a bet on them.
14. Estonia
Storm by Victor Crone
Victor’s no crone, that’s for sure, as he’s very pretty (not my type,
obvz, I’m into Georgian machismo), but he has limited charisma, presence or musicality. He’s styled like a Neighbours’ actor trying
to break into the pop scene at the turn of the nineties. Sometimes he has a guitar, and sometimes he
doesn’t. (I’m struggling with this one, you can tell.)
Did this make it?
Yes.
Are we surprised?
Shrug emoji.
But will it win? Mid-table
oblivion.
15. Portugal
Telemoveis by Conan Osiris
Deep breath.
Ok.
This is Conan. Conan has a beard
veil made of leather. Conan is wearing a
pleated kimono in a shade of green halfway between emerald and fern, which Esme
and Patrick from the Sewing Bee would judge to have been very well pressed. Conan has matched his well-pressed kimono
suit with those trainers I see on the feet of young fashionable men on the
buses of South London that look like the bases have been over-inflated. Conan appears to have halted his
dirge-wailing to do some jerky angry dancing and stamping. Conan has a friend on stage in a long emerald-fern pleated skirt which appears to be equally
well-pressed. Conan’s friend also has emerald-fern
evening gloves with pleats of their own, which he wiggles at the camera whilst
belly-dancing. Conan’s friend goes en
pointe on his inflated trainers. More
jerking. More wailing. More begloved-pleat waving. This goes on for three minutes before they
fake their own deaths - just before we all start to contemplate mortality, simply to
make it all stop.
Did this make it? Europe
is denied.
Are we surprised? It
was a pile of absolute steaming horse turd, but Saturday’s final will be the
poorer without it. This is the one the
semi-final deniers should return to - it’s not fair on any of us that you
shouldn’t all have to sit through that.
16. Greece
Better Love by Katerine Duska
I’m sure I’ve said this before, if Greece isn't putting out a tiny woman
with massive lungs in an even tinier dress singing an even massiver choon, I AM
NOT INTERESTED. So you can imagine my
appreciation for this sub-par Florence and The Machine number. I think the theme was white wedding in a
Christmas bauble, where the flower decor was a giant pot pourri arrangement,
the guests were ballerinas (inexplicably) armed with fencing swords, and the
bridesmaids were sporting Marigolds (gloves not flowers). The bride/singer wore a smock of ruffles,
including a vertical one perfectly aligned with her vagina. There was no groom.
Did this make it?
Apparently, yes.
Are we surprised? I
certainly am.
But will it win? Even
Cyprus might hold back the douze here.
17. San Marino
Say Na Na Na by Serhat
Serhat is an older Turkish gentleman with a husky voice and a bald
cranium, who cannot hit a note to save his life, but somehow has the charm and
balls to forge on through, and Europe is full speed behind him. This was some truly woeful singing, backed by
dancers in white suit jackets and Bermuda shorts, fronting a projection designed using solely MS Word, to a joyful disco beat and endless lolz. As ever, a Sammarinese triumph.
Did this make it?
Yes.
Are we surprised? We
should be.
But will it win? Serhat
seems capable of anything. And I mean,
anything.
And there we go. We’ve made it
through the first semi – what filler whilst the votes get counted? Rylan doing a little chauffeuring skit I
enjoyed greatly, lovely Scott Mills doing a terrible skit about whether Madonna
is going to perform at the final (WHO KNOWS?!), before 1998 winner Dana
International’s entirely new face mimes a Bruno Mars hit, because – sure, why
not, whilst the audience is menaced by a kiss cam, because - sure why not.
Jayde Adams also appears – sadly underused,
for she is a Bristol legend in the
making. If you want to hear a
podcast which regularly references Bedminster Asda as well as the joy of
Eurovision, then you are IN LUCK. And if you start listening now you might be able to get through them all before Thursday
night - cause that’s right babies, we’re doing this all again then. Shalom Europe! See you for Semi Final two.
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