1.
Armenia
Walking
Out by Srbuk
The 2019 waders theme is still alive – lady goth with dreads swaggers and points in
thigh highs and mini trench coat. 100% forgettable. Next!
Did this
make it? Nope.
Next!
Are we
surprised? Nope. NEXT!
2.
Ireland
22
by Sarah McTernan
The
styling is a cross between that iconic Aha video and the artwork typically found
on birthday cards for 3 year olds in supermarkets. Sarah has quite a nice bluesy husky voice and
I am enjoying how her pencil skirt is too tight for her to really move, meaning
her sole dance move is shimmying to a milkshake bar, then laying down. But, to be blunt, this is my worst kind of
Eurovision entry – neither weird or rubbish enough to laugh at and enjoy, or
good enough to sit up and pay attention.
This semi-final feels full of ‘em.
Did this
make it? No.
Are we
surprised? Ireland are SO over Eurovision - they literally
will enter My Lovely Horse one year.
3. Moldova
Stay
by Anna Odobescu
Well
Ola Jordan has aged since Strictly, and catsuit no more, she’s donned a sexy
bridal mullet dress with one big puffy sleeve, whilst James has been replaced by a
woman in a ballgown doing some sand-painting (#upgrade). Moldova are well known for bringing the
cray-cray, so you can imagine my disappointment that we’re getting a competent,
big-lunged, but ultimately boring ballad.
My interest was briefly piqued by a random birdcage on the sandpit table,
but it contained zero birds, because – Eurovision Fact Time – live animals are
a banned substance at Eurovision. (Imagine
if they were allowed! You KNOW
Azerbaijan would stretch the budget to an actual tiger.)
Did this
make it? Should’ve sneaked a tiger in.
Are we
surprised? We aren’t. Please return to farce and/or sax men next year.
4. Switzerland
She
Got Me by Luca Hänni
Ah
finally – banger time. It’s a total rip
off of the type of thing Sweden usually sends, but if you are going to
shamelessly Single White Female at Eurovision, Sweden are the ones to pick –
just need to find a Swiss man with enough Mans-appeal to pull it off. They’ve more or less managed it with Luka ‘Yes’
Hanni, who can dance competently Justin Trousersnake-style, in front of a brothel
red background, whilst making references to things like mamas and getting rowdy
and dropping down low – pop song word soup to a Despacito-meets-panpipes
beat. Formulaic, but slick.
Did this
make it? Yes mama.
Are we
surprised? No.
But will
it win? Win, probably not. Do very well, entirely possibly.
5.
Latvia
That
Night by Carousel
Oh
a country song - there’s always one, these days. It’s got a vampirey gothic vibe about it, not
least because our leading lady singer looks like Drusilla off Buffy – big eyes,
full of crazed murder - and is styled like Scarlet off Nashville – lace curtain
dress and irritating indoor hat. At
least her band tick some good Eurovision boxes - old man on double bass
and guitarist with a giant blow-dry, like a Latvian musketeer.
Did this
make it? Let’s hope they had open returns, for there is nothing left for them here.
Are we
surprised? No, this was a nothing song and a nothing
performance.
6.
Romania
On
a Sunday by Ester Peony
Oh
a country song - there’s always (another) one, these days. It’s got a vampirey gothic vibe about it, not
least because our leading lady singer is sitting astride a velvet armchair, sporting
a cravat, black tulle skirt and Doc Martins.
She’s accompanied by a weird butler man with guitar and guyliner, a
couple of spare Icelandic gimp dancers, and two female backing dancers in
frills and lederhosen. It’s a bit harsh that
the two country’n’vampire songs got drawn together – mainly as it makes you
think that neither is any cop. However,
you won’t be surprised to hear I thought velvet armchair/ledenhosen was a more
worthy attempt than indoor hat/Bon Jovi blow dry.
Did this
make it? Back to Bucharest
Are we
surprised? Not really, it was actually quite boring, in spite of
their efforts.
7.
Denmark
Love
Is Forever by Leonora
The
earnest Danish six-formers have landed, and are lounging on a giant chair in
wire-rimmed glasses and unwashed hair, swapping Insta likes and playing woke
top trumps (cashew milk beats almond), whilst their fresh faced head girl sings a saccharine,
mind-grinding ditty. For reasons unclear
(part of the song is in what might be French?) they’re styled like a la thirties Gallic
stereotype - stripes, neckties, braces (no berets though WTF). The
twee is off the scale and I loathed every minute.
Did this
make it? Somehow, yes.
Are we
surprised? Astounded.
But will
it win? No fucking way.
8. Sweden
Too
Late for Love John Lundvik
This
is one of the hot favourites, and it’s all the professionalism you’d expect
from Sweden – well showcased, catchy pop song with an ear worm chorus. Two mis-fires though - they dressed John in
shiny, high-waisted, ankle-skimming matador trousers, which even a man of his
gym-bunny stature struggled with, and they only brought out his amazing gospel
backing singers for the last chorus, when it’s clear they should have been
front and centre from the start. Let me
focus, therefore, on The Mamas – four crackers in leopard print sequinned kimonos
and matching flares, perfectly timed fist-pumps, a key change to die for, and
some plus-size dancing that show France’s ballerina how it’s done.
(FYI John
Lundvik was born in Croydon before being adopted by Swedish ex-pats and he
wrote the UK song, so we can claim him if we want.)
Did this
make it? 100%
Are we
surprised? 0%
But will
it win? 85%
9.
Austria
Limits
by PÆNDA
A
younger version of the Kardashian momager with added blue tint forcing out a weedy ballad. Poor.
Did this
make it? Nein.
Are we
surprised? Even compatriot Conchita would throw shade.
10.
Croatia
The
Dream by Roko
Inbetweener in white leather jacket over Asda non-iron school shirt sitting on floor up to
his waist in smoke machine, which if it isn’t a fart reference, then I don't know what
is. Our guy is doing a lot of
emoting, then two utterly ripped men dressed in very tight trousers and angel wings are
hauled down from the ceiling, and reveal school-shirt to have (wonky) wings of his own, also made of dead seagull. It's bad, though there
is a key change into the local language, which I mildly appreciated.
Did this
make it? Not even with the shameless pandering to the
gay vote.
Are we
surprised? We are the very definition of not surprised.
11.
Malta
Chameleon
by Michela
Fire
the stylist – this outfit is HAUFFING.
1. White
denim jacket with transparent rain jacket sleeves and white cuffs.
2. Unflattering white booty shorts and white
pull-up knee socks.
3. Orange fake tan and top-knot
ponytail emphasizing the roundness of face (her chin isn’t even THAT large,
but this hairstyle does not help persuade that that’s the case).
Oh I feel bad about the bitching, because
she’s a perfectly acceptable teen pop singer, and she’s doing three songs in one,
two of which are really catchy.
Did this
make it? Yes, and she did the BEST ugly crying when she
heard.
Are we
surprised? I don’t think so and it was certainly deserved given the
competition.
But will
it win? Mid-table?
12.
Lithuania
Run
with the Lions by Jurij Veklenko
Extremely
hot perfume model. Extremely non-descript
song.
Did this
make it? No.
13.
Russia
Scream
by Sergey Lazarev
My
god, more all-white clothing - this is
getting a bit much, even by Eurovision standards. Obviously Russia have upped the budget from
Primark, as Sergey’s cotton has quite the thread count. His ego has quite the thread count too – the staging
is a million mirrors which he lovingly sings into one by one, which then turn into projections of a million (or maybe, like ten) Sergeys
emoting. He’s then suddenly, David Blaine style, singing in a glass box covered in rainfall, before finishing up as an
army of slightly intimidating Sergeys. There's money behind that staging, and it's all quite impressive, especially as it very nearly covers
up having a truly mediocre song.
Did this
make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? It’s
Russia – they insist on pain of death and access to energy supplies command the votes.
But will
it win? Only if the bots get involved.
14.
Albania
Kthejutokës
by Jonida Maliqi
Stone
cold Nigella-a-like MILF, who I would have placed at a very handsome 50, thanks to good botox and
lighting, but Wikipedia informs me is 36!!!! Lolzz - someone is either lying, or has had quite the Malboro habit over the last 36 (ahem) years. Jonida is dressed like a Spanish doll, all black
ruffles and spilled cleavage, with much gold needlework skirt decor, and an actual gallon of eyeliner. Also, unexpected forearm
tattoos. She is all our of spirit
animals.
Did this
make it? Yes.
Are we
surprised? Terrible song, but I can still feel Jonida’s
charisma/see the glow of her teeth whitener from here.
But will
it win? It will do better than we might expect.
15. Norway
Spirit
in the Sky by KEiiNO
At
first this just seems like a thin Norwegian man in a soldier jacket and a curvy Norwegian
blonde churning out a standard Euro-banger.
And then, COMETH THE YODEL! Apparently
a traditional Nordic yodel called the joik, no less, performed by a second Norwegian man with
the look of Shrek's head and the outfit of Prince Charming. Think Viking chanting over Four To The Floor. Weird and catchy and bloody
joyful.
Did this
make it? Yes!
Are we
surprised? No sirree – though it was a bit squeaky bum
before it got announced.
But will
it win? Not impossible.
I hope it does well.
16. Netherlands
Arcade
by Duncan Laurence
Bookies’
favourite, and a good moody pop tune, performed well enough by a hot man sat at
a piano. It’s a bit low-key by EV standards – at one point Duncan lifts his
arms and starts an audience participation clap and... no that’s it. But low-key can sometimes work to your favour
at Eurovision and it’s important to note that the Netherlands is firmly on the
list of countries that can definitely afford to host the contest next year.
Did this
make it? Yes.
Are we
surprised? No.
But will
it win? It might.
17.
North Macedonia
Proud
by Tamara Todevska
The artist formerly known as The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia bring
out a buxom blonde in a big shiny emerald evening gown who shouts out an
entirely forgettable ballad.
Did this
make it? Somehow.
Are we
surprised? I guess one of the non-descript ballads was
going to pick up a default place.
But will
it win? In a word, no.
18. Azerbaijan
Truth
by Chingiz
Chingiz - what a name, sounds like a Essex rapper - is singing whilst a red laser heart is projected over his sensible
waistcoat by two robot arms. Indeed that's the full gimmick - well for two of the three minutes, because they subtly turn the robots off partway through, for no apparent reason. This is a fine enough upbeat pop tune, but I definitely wanted more robot.
Did this
make it? Yes.
Are we
surprised? They built a brand-new stadium in Baku
especially to host the 2008 contest, so they do fulfill the ‘can they fund it’
criteria.
But will
it win? Average showing.
So
there we go – cue the usual
filler whilst we wait for the votes. Full disclaimer: one of my children woke up at this point,
so I’m a bit hazy on proceedings, and not particularly inclined to care. However, we now know that actual Madonna is coming to the final to perform
Like A Prayer in the interval, so I will say this - my children had better not wake up then (they
are fine to wake up during the new track she’s also performing).
But that's not what I'm really looking forward to in the final - it's the previous winner and nearly-winner mash up I'm most excited about. And it looks to be a good contest, in spite of lacking Portuguese crapola
insanity and those shouty Polish girls. (I'm backing Australia, with lots of love and lolz for Norway and Iceland.) Also, stay tuned for the Big Five and Israel, yet to perform – Spain, France
and Italy are quite hotly tipped, whilst the
UK, Germany and Israel are... not, which is a slight shame as Michael Rice seems
a nice sort, even if this was a missed opportunity to sing a song with a subtle Remain message, maybe called something "REVOKE ARTICLE 50 REMAIN REMAIN REMAIN THOSE OF US WITH ANY SENSE REALLY WANT TO STAY LOVE YOU DONALD TUSK".
Happy Eurovision, mes amis! Let's do this.
Happy Eurovision, mes amis! Let's do this.
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