Just going to launch in - yesterday was our first long drive as a family of four and I’m only just recovering from the stress. No time for extended niceties about our four Nelly Furtados. (They all looked lovely, even the one dressed like an art deco lampshade.)
Norway
You know Bilderberg, that not-so secret club where the patriarchy meet to hang out, show off their helicopters and decide the world’s fate? There’s clearly a Eurovision equivalent, right? One where Dana International and Concheets wield vital power (having Admin rights to the WhatsApp group) and Johnny Logan bores on to Sonia about the good old days. And when that group gets together (Loreen can’t ever make it, she’s rillllly busy that night, soz), it must be the case that the two Scandi male victors - 2015 winner, Mans ‘Heroes’ Zemerlow and 2009 winner, Alexander ‘Fairytale’ Rybak - prop up the bar together, taut and superior, one eyebrow slightly raised, looking on a little snidely at everyone else. To the outside world, they’ll be Alpha Male besties, constantly taking the piss out of wannabe Dima Bilan, outrageously flirting with posh totty Emmelie de Forest, and remaining a little scared yet aroused by sexy German weirdo Lena. But let’s face it, Mans and Alexander are really classic fremenies - mates on the outside, furious bitchy rivals within. So we can only imagine how INCANDESCENT WITH SWEDISH RAGE Mans must have been when he saw Alexander back on the Eurovision stage, having shamelessly nicked Mans’ winning on-screen graphics gimmick right at the start of his act. If you though Fairytale was Gorgonzola, then brace yourselves people, for this piece of stinky cheese could shut down the dairy. Rybak is 100% phoning it in - he could barely be arsed to pretend his violin solo was real - but you can’t escape the winner’s profiency.
Did this make it? Yup.
Are we surprised? Not when you compare it with the rest of tonight’s woeful field.
But will it win? Dr Eurovision thinks so (yes, there’s a man with an actual PhD in Eurovision).
Romania
I know, let’s TERRIFY them into choosing us, by staging an army of white masked mannequins, deftly finding the loophole in the 'only six people on stage' rule. Why you'd want so many utterly frightening fake people on stage is beyond me, but I did enjoy how that turned this into the worst (best?) ever episode of Doctor Who. Still, that couldn't mask that this was musical dirge into an extended soft metal rock-out, performed by men dressed as chefs and a woman dressed in purple silk and a personal wind machine. (Seriously though, when are we getting the Doctor does Eurovision episode? Alien intervention is the only logical explanation for the continued existence of the Eurovision Song Contest.)
Did this make it? No.
Are we surprised? No.
Serbia
Whereby Europe is inducted into a cult by Einstein on panpipes, a three drum drummer, and a high priest and priestess performing a ritual sacrifice (*insert murdering song reference here*).
Did this make it? Yes. LOLZ.
Are we surprised? Repeat after me, the power of sandals, robes and hypnotic chants to a disco beat is strong. Repeat after me, the power...
But will it win? No way.
San Marino
Look I’m happy to mock San Marino’s shoddy Eurovision output as much the next man and the concept here was as random as ever - sticking four small robots at the front of the stage whilst Woman 1 sang and Woman 2 performed a hilarious rap in her PJs and a chiffon red dinner lady coat. What you might not have noticed - but I did because my toddler insisted on watching this one several times (“I want the little robots though”) - was the immense musical hook. SO GOOD.
Did this make it? Robbed.
Are we surprised? Of course not - it’s San Marino; the whole point of their existence is to bolster the numbers at the semi-final stage. Sorry, what’s that you’re saying about a tax haven?
Denmark
WINTER IS COMING. And it heralds stocky Danes in House Stark styling: all wind-swept beards, guyliner and rhythmic marching to an anthemic sea shanty. Sure there were some dirgey undertones, but I’m a total sucker for big drums and choral harmonies. And hot Vikings.
Did this make it? Aye me hearties.
Are we surprised? No - it was actively good.
But will it win? Dark sexy Nordic horse.
Russia
Remember all that hoo-haa last year when Russia’s entry was banned because she’d played in Crimea and the Ukrainians were all ‘uh-uh girlfriend, no visa rights for you, hun lol’? Well wheelchair-bound Yulia got her turn this year instead - in a not-at-all-pointed dig from the Russians. And what a triumphant rebuke this was not, with Julia plonked atop a giant rock, singing an instantly forgettable song, whilst some contemporary dancers performed some very intense and somewhat jerky contemporary dance, which mainly looked like someone experiencing extreme electric shock, which I’m not saying was based on a real life training technique oh no not at all spasiba do it again better you dancing imbecile etc etc.
Did this make it? NO!
Are we surprised? Shock. Of. The. Night. Shock. Of. The. Flipping. Decade. Sure the song was total crapola from start to end, but it’s Russia. RUSSIA! Russia never don’t get through! Russia never don’t make Top Five! If you weren’t worried that Trump pulling out of the Iran deal was going to cause the end of the world, you can start to get afraid now - this is nothing short of a diplomatic catastrophe.
Moldova
Oooooh hello stage craft. It’s all gone a bit commedia dell’arte with this very slick farce involving the opening and closing of legs and windows, all to a catchy tune that grows on you like fungus. I quite liked this - it had something of the old skool Eurovision about it.
Did this make it? They did!
Are we surprised? The Moldovans usually do something bonkers for Eurovision which no-one else even remotely understands, but when they harness the crazy and mould it into something that has an actual plot, turns out Europe loves it.
But will it win? Might do well, but Chisinau 2019 (totes had to look that up) still seems a little unlikely.
The Netherlands
Nashville Bon Jovi with unexpected hip hop dancing; I was fully expecting Juliette Barnes to make a cameo at any moment (God that was a good show, until that awful child emancipation plot-line). I bloody love a bit of overblown country-pop, and what could be more authentic than Dutch country and western.
Did this make it? Ja ma’am.
Are we surprised? With all the shite coming later tonight, anything even mildly good was going to get through this semi-final.
But will it win? Whether Europe will rate it as much as me - and more than the Cypriot bikini catsuit - I’m not so sure.
Australia
The crowd love love loved this. For me, it was the Canary Wharf of pop music - clinically hitting everything a pop song/office complex needs, but no real soul at the heart of it. Let me be clear - my view is a minority one.
Did this make it? 100%.
Are we surprised? Nope. Oz are still making the most of being a relative novelty and, despite my own personal indifference, this is unmistakably higher quality stuff.
But will it win? Maybe. And a European country gets to host it, if so. (Hey Oz, it’s your old Pommy mates the UK here...)
Georgia
A five voice old man choir, droning on in Georgian. They literally have zero Eurovision fucks to give.
Did this make it? Hahahahahaha no.
Are we surprised? See above.
Poland
Leather hat, aviator glasses and out of tune electro-pop - completely uninspired, even when they put a doink on it. It made me miss the Page 3 milkmaids.
Did this make it? Thank gawd no.
Are we surprised? Poland usually benefit from the diaspora vote, but they must've been like, Jesus, we can’t have our friends and colleagues in our adopted country associate us with that tosh. Put the phone away - we need to keep this on the downlow.
Malta
Another curvy Malteaser lady - whereby “curvy lady” means “normal sized lady”. She’s singing in a box that’s unplugged itself from the Matrix but the connection is poor, so it keeps transforming into a shop’s changing room where a woman is continually revealed dancing in her flesh-coloured M&S bra and pants. It's a bit embarrassing, but the song is an excellent dance stomper.
Did this make it? Nope.
Are we surprised? Yes! Especially because...
Hungary
A terrible terrible Gen Z rawk grunge number. I refuse to dwell on this any further.
Did this make it? So I’m told. I don’t accept really this outcome.
Are we surprised? Clearly.
But will it win? *gasps in horror like Mark-Francis being asked to cut grapes without one’s grape scissors*
Latvia
Latvian mega-beauty - and I mean MEGA BEAUTY - does some slightly arrogant (did I mention the mega-beauty-ness?) faux jazz in a smouldering red mullet dress.
Did this make it? Nope.
Are we surprised? Neutral.
Sweden
Billy Bookcase Timberlake meets Reindeer Meatballs Bieber - this is a man with smug eking out his pores, it's even penetrating through his second skin jeggings via an unrelenting bum wiggle. This isn’t at the Euphoria / Heroes end of the Melodifestivalen scale, but even Sweden's mediocre stuff blows most Eurovij attempts out the water.
Did this make it? And easily.
Are we surprised? Not at all - Sweden failing would be as surprising as Azerbaijan or Russia not making the f... oh.
But will it win? I don't think so, but even I’d throw a vote at this up-himself bastard for a chance to see Petra Mede on hosting duties again.
Montenegro
Well he has an, erm, kind face, so it was a bold choice to try and to try and tap into his sexual charisma with a shiny turquoise rhinestone-effect dress suit. Our hero is accompanied by a gang of brides or angels or vestal virgins or something – lots of white and feathered shoulder detail. It’s slow and a bit musical theatre and it’s already forgotten as it’s even being sung.
Did this... I’m not even bothering - no to all of it.
Slovenia
About a minute in, I turned to Mr Cad and asked “is this... grime?” (like he’d know better than me - lolz). I’ve heard of grime because the millennials in my office discuss it and I once listened to a Radio 4 documentary about the Cardiff grime scene. Anyway, regardless of the genre, I got well into this, even the entirely staged moment when the music was cut and the Slovenian Lady Grimes had to get the beat back via audience participation with some truly ham-ham acting. OK, I just realised what this sounds like: The Sesame Street Brush Your Teeth training song. “Grime.” HA! RIP my youth.
Did this make it? It's a grimey yes from Europe!
Are we surprised? Pleasantly so.
But will it win? Top half of the table. (You realise I know nothing and make these predictions up on a whim, right?)
Ukraine
Vampire-ovision. Man rises from giant coffin-piano and emotes like Edward for Bella, if Edward were a Ukrainian man with one white contact lens.
Did this make it? Yes. Twilight fan faction has a lot of answer for.
Are we surprised? Given the song and performance, yes. Given that it’s Ukrainian Eurovision (long since one of my favourite musical sub-genres - present company excluded), no.
But will it win? Only if the vote comes from the vampire erotica Reddit pages.
That's all folks. I think we're in for a really good final, Hungary aside, oh my days. We actually seem to have a few surprisingly good attempts from the Big 5; I was listening to the Eurovision 2018 playlist on Spotify and ran out of skips, so was forced to listen to the German entry in full - it transpires it's an Ed Sheeran's ditty about his love for his parent, which was totes emosh for this here mother. I then got the French one about the refugee crisis so that was CRYING EMOJI x 100000. (I drew the line at listening to Belarus again, and turned it off, before discovering it had sent the baby to sleep.) In terms of winners though, it's Team Cyprus for me, with smatterings of our Nordic buddies Denmark and Holland. Though I'm now also half won round to the HILARITY of the Irish entry winning with such an atrocious song, but a symbolic dance routine that got the Chinese banned from broadcasting the final.
Let the Euro-joy roll on!
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