Lisbon 2018 - Semi Final #1

Good evening Lisbon, and all that jazz.  It’s Eurovision Week, and I have two month old baby, so gawd knows what my brain will spew out for y’all.  On the Euro shop floor, Portugal has trotted out four Portuguese lady-lovelies to present proceedings, all of whom have dental veneers that hurt to look at directly, all of whom are called Nelly Furtado, and all of whom have very impressive Sarah Connor Terminator arms, my guess is they're thoroughly toned from fist-fighting over who would be forced to wear the awful electric blue Angelina Jolie meets Quality Street wrapper dress (Nelly Furtado Number Three it turns out).

No Ukranian rapping to open tonight’s show (sad), so let’s get straight to it – great news, as to overrun would be unacceptable to someone who’s bedtime is currently 9pm.

Azerbaijan

If I did a Word Cloud of my blog archives, it would be safe to say that ‘female’, ‘leotard’, ‘wafty’, ‘white’, ‘chiffon’, ‘club’, ‘banger’ and ‘strobes’ would feature very prominently, as they did on the Azeri stage.  They also offered up ‘giant’, ‘triangles’, ‘staging’, ‘glitter’ and ‘the stench of Impulse Body Spray’.  The ‘yoga-position-ography’ was perhaps more niche (I believe they call that Warrior Two, namaste), but this was Eurovision By Numbers, down to a performance that could double as a Bodyform commercial.

Did they make it?  Nah-zerbaijan.

Are we surprised? Yes. The Azaris are Nu-Eurovision stalwarts – but even stalwarts can get screwed by bribing the wrong judges getting a rubbish place in the draw.

Iceland

Full blown boy ballad which I did not hate! *faints*. That doesn’t mean I liked it, of course, but I appear to have a soft spot for an Icelandic slow.  The choice of red polo-neck and white blazer with scarlet shoulder detail was surprising - no nineteen year old man-child should have to don such ridiculous outfits in the name of ceremony, but given what they made us wear for Oxford Matriculation, I’m there with you, man-child. #solidarity. (Am with you too, lady backing singers with unforgiving ombrage gusset.)

Did they make it? No.

Are we surprised? No.

Albania

Whilst the look (goatees, studs, Brian May perm, leather-vested drummer, guitars plural) suggested eighties soft metal, listen closely and it was a Manic Street Preacher fronting a Del Amitri backing track.  In Albanian.  

Did they make it?  Albania are indeed one of our finalists.

Are we surprised?  Hugely!  But lest we forget, Del Amitri were an underrated but stealthily popular band.  And that was without a leather vested drummer to propel them upwards.
But will they win? Guys. No.

Belgium

More nineties vintage (it kills me that that’s a thing), as a waify Belgian Manic Pixie Girl does a Portishead knock off - course even third rate Portishead is better than most Eurovision, so well done Belgium.  There was a lot of chiffon over bra-less top half going on and I feared a wardrobe malfunction, but strategically placed hair and velvet covered the relevant bases.

Did they make it?  Sadly no.

Are we surprised?  A little.  It was a good tune, but the live was a bit, um, forced.

Czech Republic

Brace yourselves Europe, this is the first in a series of acts who have gone full kitchen sink and thrown everything at their entry.  In this case, Cocky Czech Boy dressed full twat (and ready to bully Poloneck Iceland) in bow tie, braces, glasses, cropped pants and little red leather ruck-sack.  CCB proceeds to merrily sing of infidelity, sperm and penii (props for “I know you bop-whop-a-lu on his wood bamboo”), whilst his two spoddy mates in shell suits do the whitest boy breakdance moves all to a sax (I said sAx) riff.  All this whilst CCB alternates between rapping about wood bamboo and imitating some New Jack Swing FROM THE NINETIES OH MY GOD THE NINETIES AGAIN IS THIS AN AGREED THEME SURELY IT MUST BE IT CAN’T JUST BE THAT ALL MY REFERENCES ARE FROM THE NINETIES BECAUSE I’M PUSHING 40 AND THE NINETIES WAS WHEN I LAST TOOK A GENERAL INTEREST IN POP MUSIC THAT’S NOT EUROVISION AND... Oh shit.)

Did they make it? Obviously - one of the dance moves was taking off the rucksack and putting it on again.

Are we surprised? They used Vanilla Ice as a major cultural reference, so what do you think?
But will they win? I wouldn't bet against it.  (Wouldn't bet on it, either, mind.)

Lithuania

Earnest little Lithuanian lovely, in archetypal peach bridesmaid's dress, singing an earnest little lovely song, at the end of which she gets to snog a boy on a bridge.  Or so my notes say – I remember very little of it TBH.

Did they make it? Yup – it seems Europe loves a (nineties?!?) romcom.

Are we surprised?  It was all rather touching, so I guess not.
But will they win?  Not an impossibility.

*** At this point in the BBC show, Scott Miles interviews the composer of the Moldovan entry and it’s unexpectedly excellent.  Worth an iPlayer, for I have no idea how to possibly describe it. ***

Israel

If you thought the Czech Rep had everything... well get ready to think again.  This ‘everything’ is what you get when you combine hints of Verka, Bjork, Ed Sheeran, Nicki Minaj, manga, plus size modelling, catsuits, giant sleeves, double buns. the Chicken Song arms, super hero boots, Dragon Castle on the Walworth Road, shouting (so much shouting), a word that sounds almost exactly like ‘motherfucker’ but apparently isn’t the word motherfucker, and an ongoing alarm sound that will drill your brain for the rest of the evening.  Clearly Israel are DESPERATE to win this again and it’s driven them to Carrie Mathison listening to jazz with a bottle of white wine in her system levels of crazy.

Did they make it?  Durrrrr – of course they did.

Are we surprised?  Not in the slightest.
But will they win?  It's a bit too much for Europe I think.

Belarus

On the plus side, this had quite a good performance from the dancing lady emoji.  On the downside, the focal point was a heap of rubbish red rose imagery which culminated in the male singer ripping open his shirt to reveal a bed of roses growing out of his bare back.  It looked both overwhelmingly fake and highly repulsive.  Even the most ardent schlock horror fan would have been all Bye, Felicia on this one.

Did they make it?  Clearly not.

Are we surprised?  Clearly not.

Estonia

Elevating lighty-uppy dresses accompanied by big lady lungs are nothing new, but this is the lightyiest-uppyiest dress so far.  Vorsprung Durch Technik, right?  The lighting effects were pretty impressive though - they started by projecting a Disney’s Frozen bedspread on to her skirt and went via ‘oil spill’ and ‘lit matches’ to ‘huge waves of gushing red’, which... on a skirt... is brave.  The song?  A popera snoozefest.

Did they make it?  I had to double-check, but yes.

Are we surprised?  Kinda.  But Big Skirt Big Lungs is an ever popular combo so it turns out.
But will they win? Nope.

Bulgaria

Experimental theatre meets alien abduction - all lasers, ‘tude and entirely black outfits, including some chunky old knitwear must have been less than fragrant given the temperatures. There are four men on stage, with varying degrees of attractiveness, but they are mere Sleeperblokes to main lady’s giant Sia wig and ‘I’ve led a life of whisky drinking’ melty-face.  What she lacks in facial smoothness, she makes up for in shoulder pads, talons and alpha female intimidation.  The song is one of those electro-goth numbers that some parts of south-eastern Europe go mad for and inevitably get through to the final, in spite of my own personal apathy on the matter.

Did they make it?  It inevitably got through.

Are we surprised?  No, despite my own personal apathy on the matter.
But will they win? I struggle to see it victorious.

FYR Macedonia

Terrible cod reggae morphing into terrible cod disco from a woman wearing Bridget Joneses and a fuchsia blazer turned backwards – someone took heed to listen to ‘the boobs or legs’ advice.  Oh wait, no they didn’t – she’s now stripped to a chainmail top with discernible pendulousness.

Did they make it?  That would be a no.

Are we surprised?  Did you read my description?

Croatia

Mr Cad thought she had something of the Melania about her and I don’t disagree.  Certainly the fashion choice – black lace body suit with side pelmet and oversized mirkin detail – was, how to say, experimental – though not in that Michael Jackson / Republican Stepford Fembot fake Melania generally goes for.  Oh crikey, Croatian FLOTUS is now unexpectedly rapping, before going back to some musical droning about horses and roses in the rain.  This is... not good.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  No.

Austria

Hot guy in PVC patched jumper on a raised rig sings – brace yourselves – a competent pop ditty.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s no Euphoria, but I’d jig at least one shoulder to this if it came on the car radio.

Did they make it?  Yes!

Are we surprised?  Yes!  Well done Europe.
But will they win?  In a very poor year, perhaps.  Probably not this time though.

Greece

White dress, big hair, wind machine, panpipe action, fire fountains, big drums, making you wait for the beat to drop: this was basically every Greek entry for the past twenty years.  But every Greek entry is every Greek entry for the past twenty years, so you know...

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  I’m always astounded by a Grecian failure, even when it’s sub-par.  Booo - it’s not proper Eurovision without the Cypriot-Greek douze points mutual appreciation society appearance in the final.

Finland

Well if you thought Israel had everything... Think again suckers!  Finland are on, and they're bringing smeared eyeliner, a Croydon facelift, actual singing on a 360 spinning wheel, backing dancers crawling through smoke then sashay-away-ing in Gestapo-gloved outfits with leatherette detail, proper choon banger about Monsters... and that was just Minute 1.  More of the same through Minutes 2 and 3 (why mess), culminating in our Finnish diva brandishing an ejaculating fire cracker and radiating triumph.  This. Was. Excellent.

Did they make it?  And then some.

Are we surprised?  The girl hit the big notes whilst spinning upside down - this was an inevitability.
But will they win?  I'm tempted to think it could happen.

Armenia

Horsemeat Disco Bear wailing and emoting in (more) chunky knitwear; apparently black woolly jumpers are a new Eurovision theme.  I didn’t have money on Scandi Noir practicality meets goth vibes, but there you go.  It’s like monkeys and Shakespeare I guess – all fashion looks will make an appearance sooner or later.  It's just maths.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Could’ve gone either way, frankly. Not from a quality point of view, you understand.

Switzerland

Steven Tyler in Swiss Miss form (She-ven Tyler, if you will).  Yup, we’re back to the nineties.  Wide brimmed hat: check.  World’s tightest trousers: check.  Toned midriff of enviable proportions: check.  Microphone stand covered in scarves which gets dragged around the stage but is never actually used for the mic: check.  Obviously this was pretty terrible, but we did also get 'catchy old tune which will stick in your head for quite some time to come': check.  My surprise guilty pleasure, as it turns out.

Did they make it?  Nein / non / no.

Are we surprised?  Nein / non / no.

Ireland

Instantly forgettable pop song preformed by clean-cut boy on acoustic guitar, convent-collared girl on piano, and two very nice young dancing men who seem to be really rather good friends indeed.  Like, suspiciously good friends... Perhaps friends who enjoy each others wood bamboo.  The choreography / gay love story was a shameless attempt to pull in the gay vote really lovely and sweet, but here’s the thing - none of us should have to listen to that song again.  Fortunately that’s obviously not a problem as there’s no way something that turgid is getting through.

Did they make it?  Of course they didn.. WHAT? IT’S THROUGH? ARE YOU... *redacted*.  

Are we surprised?  WE ARE.
But will they win?  I mean, puh-leaze.

Cyprus

So Israel out-everything-ed the Czech Republic, then Finland out-everything-ed Israel, and we thought that was that, but here come Cyprus, out-everything-ing everything with pure, sheer amazing everything everythingness. Simply extraordinary Cypriot work: Beyonce Barbie (and her Destiny Minions) in a multi-coloured sprayed-on bejewelled bikini catsuit, shaking her beautiful split ends, gyrating and singing and gyrating and singing and gyrating and singing, spitting out lyrics about highs, fires, and pelicans fly fly flying (yup, really).  The energy levels were only achievable by miming and/or cocaine something else.  Just immense.  Helsinki 2019 is looking a distant memory already.

Did they make it?  Can you even IMAGINE if Ireland had got through and this hadn’t?  Yes yes yes, clearly yes.

Are we surprised?  WE ARE NOT.
But will they win? Hottest tip of the night.

And that's all for now - I'm off to bed a little peeved, as the show overran to an unacceptable a few minutes after 10pm UK time.  I'm not as peeved as Jon Ola Sand - no wonder Portugal weren't allowed to win for forty years.