Stockholm 2016 - Semi final #1

And vvvvvvelcome to Eurovision 2016!  Not that hostess Petra Mede would pronounce it "vvvelcome", for her English is perfect.  Co-host and former winner Mans is also there, mainly to provide cheekbones and pectorals.  Ain't no Eurovision  like a Swedish Eurovision, so let's get the show started - with a live action version of Mans' winning Heroes, which features an army of golden-haired children in orange lederhosen.  It's clearly aimed at that part of the Venn diagram where Third Reich enthusiasts and S Club Junior fans overlap.

But on with the show.  Who's getting to Saturday and who's returning to their corner of Europe in a diva-esque huff?

Finland

Finnish hen party at the 11pm karaoke stage of their evening.  And their tune of choice? A shrieky but perfectly acceptable girl power club anthem, complete with the woeful tuning you’d expect from a bunch several sambucas into their night.  Good on the lead singer/bride for braving a tight powder blue catsuit, made from a peculiar suede/PVC hybrid.  Also good on her for making no attempt to hide her poo straining face when she went for the high notes.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  We are not.

Greece

Perfectly coiffed ladies wail and fairly buff men rap, before they all do an arm grabbing line dance in wafty white yoga pants (bar the two least attractive ones reduced to banging a massive drum and bowing a tiny Greek violin thing).  In short, all the tried and tested Greek staples - we’ve seen them time and again and they have ALWAYS been a triumph.  But this year...?  This year they pulled a Father Ted.  All of the above yet a monotonous dirge.  Not even Cyrpus would have given that the douze.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  Well on one level, no - this was a shocker.  But a Eurovision final WITHOUT Greece?!  Boooooooo to Grexit.  Boooooooo.  Thumb down emoji.

Moldova

Solo sexy laydee, with mirror shard boob decor, does standard high NRG pop wailing, accompanied by a breakdancing astronaut/very mild stripper.   I mean, what else were you expecting?

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  Maybe a little - I mean, the competition was hardly electric.

Hungary

This performance included whistling backing singers, prostitute-red lighting and a man in a sheet hoofing a massive drum whilst doing capoeria, but there was no need for gimmicks really – the audience only had eyes for jeans model hot Hungarian man with three day stubble belting out some emo.

Did they make it?  Yes!  
Are we surprised?  Hell no - JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE.

Croatia

Alien lady with silver bowl haircut and giant cape/dress made from the inside of a cool bag, repeatedly singing the not at all phallic lyric “I know that I’ll find your lighthouse, your lighthouse”.  I wish her nothing but well in her quest.

Did they make it?  They did!  
Are we surprised?  Nah.

Netherlands

Bargain bin Dutch Elvis (Elvishh) does pretty unbearable Cheese and Western - or should that be LEERDAMMER and Western?!?!?!  Hahahaha, do you GEDDIT?  

Leerdammer!  Because Leerdammer is Dutch, do you seeeeee? 

... *tumbleweed* ... 

Should I have used “Gouda and Western? 

...*more tumbleweed* ...

ANYWAY, there was a ten second gap in the middle during which Elivshh stared at the camera and drawled something cheesy/Leerdammery like "hey baby" and I genuinely believed a technical fault had occurred.  Turns out it was deliberate, which, oh just fuck off.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  Words can't even express... (Europe loved this BTW. I am alone.)

Armenia

Dry ice – CHECK.

Real fire decor – CHECK.  

Stone cold vixen with massive hair, lips and ‘lungs’ – CHECK.   

Black sheer leotard with leather bodice detail and see-through cape – CHECK.  

Lots of “whooo hoooo hoooo-ing” – CHECK.  

Superimposed imagery of aforementioned vixen writhing horizontally whilst a wind machine goes insane – CHECK.

Helllooooooooooooo!?!  

Amazeballs.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  It would have been an INTERNATIONAL OUTRAGE if it hadn't got through.

San Marino

Surely, they must be having to outsource these days?  (I mean, can there be any San Marinans left to do it?)  Either way, they chose a Stanley Tucci impersonator with a gravelly voice, and a number of young lovies squeezed into silver spandex, bar the one who insisted on a sexy secretary outfit.  In short, the usual cringeworthily amateur mess that we know and love.  Good work SM, good work!

Did they make it?  PMSL emoji.  Of course not.
Are we surprised?  Oh San Marino.  Bless you.  Maybe one day!

Russia

Basically, Russia is so desperate to win that it hasn’t even tried to hide how much this rips off last year’s Swedish winner – cue a lithe young hunkster interacting with a giant LED screen which features lots of exciting graphics and dance moves.  Credit where it’s due, the Russian version also involves said hunkster climbing into the screen and being spun around a bit.  Hopefully he'll have eliminated the oh-my-God-is-he-going-to-fall wobble come the final.

Did they make it?  Obvz.  
Are we surprised?  We are not - Russia could throw in six dancing grannies and some pizza-oven-ography and almost win the thing.  Oh hang on...

Czech Republic

It took ten songs to get to the ballad, which would usually be a result in my book, but the uptempo showings have been less than rousing this year.  Mind you, this ballad is no more inspirational.  What can I remember? She was pretty... She wore white peplum... she... nah, that’s it.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  Literally can't remember.

Cyprus

STROBES!

MORE STROBES!

HEAVY GUITAR!

SCISSOR JUMP!

CAGED DRUMMER!

GUYLINER! 

TURQUOISE GOATIE BEARD!

STILL MORE STROBES!

ALL OF THEM ARE AT LEAST FORTY!

SOME STROBES AGAIN!

WOLF HOWL!

 In short, excellent.

Did they make it?  They did, thank FUCK.  
Are we surprised?  Hell yes!  Bravo Europe!

Austria

I’d have gone gaga for this if I’d seen it at Luxembourg 1984, when was 6 or 7 (did I say 84? I mean 94, of course...).  She was wearing a peach ballgown, was saccharine beyond belief and was singing in French even though she is not French!  Trop chic!  But these days... Well, not even the French sing in French.  Points for being Disney cute and me not wanting to stab her though (yes, am looking at you Belgium...).

Did they make it?  They did!  
Are we surprised?  Massively surprised - but in a good way.

Estonia

Europe’s creepiest Young Conservative dons daddy’s double breasted electric blue suit and does far too much come hither beckoning.  Just when you think it can’t get any more uncool, he does a card trick.  Just no.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  We are mainly just relieved that we'll never have to live through that again.

Azerbaijan

Well I can’t say Sexy American Football Player is a look that I recall from any previous Eurovisions, so props for that.  Somewhere in the foreground, a young Nigella-alike in a flesh-coloured crochet catsuit (cause nothing says sexy like crochet) repeatedly sings “gonna take a miracle” with dubious tuning and we all think, “yup, probably love”.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  We are not - the Azeris are well primed in the art of effective Eurovij bribing, I mean, performing.

Montenegro

All the wind machines!  ALL OF THEM!  All the smoke machines!  ALL OF THEM!

Sadly, that premise does not quite lead to the requisite brilliance I was expecting - instead a man in bin bag drones on a bit whilst a pretty girl in thigh high boots does hairography and kung fu kicks. 

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  We are not.

Iceland

So apparently there *is* a Leather Playsuit and Leather Fringed Cardigan Barbie to add to the collection.  This performance involved Barbie dancing around a bit whilst a giant shadow hand tried to grab her – let's charitably say it was to help rejig her outfit to avoid leather crotch chaffing.  (There's nothing wrong with going up a size, sweetheart.)

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  European scandal apparently. (I'll be honest, I'm not with Europe on this one.  I thought this was meh at best.)

Bosnia and Herzegovina

'Cellist in space blanket and thongotard, pleather Inspector Gadget, pregnant Xenia Warrior Princess in a puffy fishtail, symbolic screen and barbed wire, furious rap.'

Those were my notes.  I think they cover events appropriately.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  Not really.

Malta

Classic Maltese diva pop, rocking botox, push up bra and Angelina Jolie leg.  Anyway, she belted out a belter whilst a man with slicked-back hair rolled around the stage a bit.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  We are not.

Anything else to note?
For some reason, the BBC didn't show the Swedish half-time entz, a really powerful dance performance about the refugee crisis called The Grey People.  It's well worth a watch.  Instead we got Mel Giedroyc trying to fit four meatballs in her gob, which was also frankly brilliant.

UK entry shortlist: 2016

The UK will soon be Making Its Mind Up (sing it to the tune guys, seriously - just give in to it). Here are my initial thoughts on the six would-be entries from the Royaume-Uni, which can be listened to here.

Bianca - Shine A Little Light. It’s written by BIFFCO!  How did *that* happen?!  Sure it's no Spice Up Your Life (what is), but the Shine A Little Light riff is suitably earworm-y. So far I can cope.

Karl William Lund - Miracle. I didn’t make it through the song as zzzzzzz. Inoffensive – which in itself makes it offensive. Next!

Darline - Until Tomorrow. For the band name (Darline, Darline, Darline, DARRRR-LIIIIIIINE etc) - douze points, obvz.  I quite like a bit of harmonised country-lite, I’m just not sure what staging could make this stand out on a Eurovij platform. I know the Dutch managed it a year or two back, but I fear this would get swallowed.

Dulcima - When You Go. I thought this was going to be a big old epic electronic triumph at first, but *waaah waaah waaah trombone noise*. It felt like S Club 7 meets Rednex – but not in the amazing way you would obviously expect.

Joe and Jake - You’re Not Alone. I’m fairly sure I’ve (inexplicably) watched every single episode of The Voice. I do not remember these guys. Or the song. And I’m listening to it as I type this.

Matthew James - A Better Man. A hipster hat can’t hide the eyewatering wiff of gorgonzola...  I don’t hate it so much that I can’t see it growing on me, but I’d rather Will Young represented us, rather than a Tonight Matthew version.

So there we have it! Who will win? Well, I care as much as I usually do about our entry - i.e., not much. The Swedes will blates BRING IT (Petraaaaaaaaa!), so the contest will clearly be the usual triumph and that is all that matters. 

Vienna 2015 – The Final

Well.  WELL.  What do we all make of that then?!  

And the winner is...

Like the rest of Europe, I’m jolly glad Sweden made it in the end. As much as I loved Russia’s A Million Voices (and my YouTube history will attest to that), Moscow 2016 was not a prospect any of us relished, given the current climate.  Better to head back to Malmö (or whichever Swedish city wins the hosting crown) for 2016 – especially given the increased likelihood of Petra Mede hosting a gay wedding and some dancing meatballs.

More on the song part of proceedings later (fun enough, albeit not a vintage selection), because I want to focus on my FAVOURITE bit of the night, when Vienna 2015 truly came into its own... 

The Scoring

AKA: AMAZING.  

Sure the scoring is always a highlight, what with the dodgy technical feeds and varied Euro-accents and haircuts on offer, but this was a veritable rollercoaster of point giving, throwing the Eurovision manual for point attribution right out the window (apart from France and the UK doing terribly, OBVZ).

WTF #1

The real shocker, of course (indeed, I’m not sure I’m over it) was Cyprus and Greece not giving each other the douze.  I mean WHAAAAAA?!?!  (My twitter went all caps for that one, such was my WTF confusion.)  I realise neither song was up to much, but that's never stopped the Cypriot-Greek lurve-in before.  It truly made me doubt the very fundamentals of civilisation as we know it.  Still, the world hasn't seemed to have stopped so we're probably ok - for now.  But if we don't get mutual douze-ing in Sweden, I'm investing in a bunker and a pig shit umbrella shield.

WTF #2

Then there was dissension in the gas ranks, as some ex-Soviet states lost the longstanding memo and didn’t bow down and hurl the 12s at Russia.  It felt particularly ouchy when Latvia snuck in a sneery ten, but Lithuania didn’t even bother with any Russian points at all.  AT ALL!!!  Ukraine must have been watching on with at least a small sense of schadenfreude.  At least Russia can always count on ‘good old’ Belarus and Azerbaijan to douze it.

WTF#3

Even the non-scoring bit of the scoring bit had its moments, and, in spite of the rest of their terrible TV work, I really enjoyed the two bitchiest Austrian presenters diving straight into the world of Eurovij Faux Pas and not even bothering to hide their disdain for gimmicky score-giving or techy issues, simply cutting any distorted feeds straight off, with no attempt at patiently waiting for the crackle to inevitably continue.  They were like a fancily dressed guillotine to wacky-shirted show-off revolutionaries - all Viennese Mean Girls.  But I see their point - we live in the era of wifi and Facetime, people!  How is your highly expensive satellite feed not working? 

Queen Conchita

But the best bit was Concheets in the Green Room, swanning in on the glamorous moral highground and protectively defending Polina from the anti-Russia boos, like a Eurovision Mother Teresa.  It must be noted that poor Polina did look very emotional and terrified at the rising fury of the crowd as she took the lead - almost like her choices in life were a) Eurogay vigilante justice, or b) her family being held on the edge of a gulag ready to be chucked in should she not win... or something.  But in stepped her Knightess in Shining Trouser-suit, la Conchita Wurst, publicly proclaiming Polina a wonderfulbeautifultalentedartist, worthy of Europe’s respect.  The subtext was clear: "back off bitches.  Yes, Putin's a homophobic dictator shit-trumpet, but my “we are UNITY” speech was a fucking Eurovij classic and certainly doesn't exclude gorgeous skinny blondes I want to swap makeup tips with".  Concheets is just the bomb, isn't she?

London Calling

And then we were treated to Nigella wonderfully showing off in three languages, trussed up and swaddled into a blouse last seen on a minor royal in the eighties, which I'd bet serious cash Concheets had her eye on.  Sure Nigella was a little nervous and shifty-eyed, but I’ll leave all that to American immigration to look into.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CONTEST ITSELF?

Oh yes.  Believe it or not, it was Latvia who struck me most on second hearing and got my vote.  Clearly I’m a sucker for a red dress on a plinth and a song which goes: high-pitched breathy something something something, THEN SUDDENLY BELLOWS "YOUR LOOOOOOOOOOVE..."

And what about the ones we hadn’t heard before?  Over to you, Big 5, hosts and special guests, Australia...  Let's do dis.

France

A Gallic lady with something of the agony aunt about her howls in a post-apocalyptic wasteland until, eventually, some drummer boys in flesh coloured Morph outfits arrive, bringing with them some CGI garden skills.  Incredibly, France garnered a whole 5 points for this (merci Armenia and San Marino), which is an incomprehensible five more points than facial hair tribute, Moustache by Twin Twin, managed last year. 

Nul points for: I’m half-French but even I can’t defend this.

United Kingdom

Look, we only have ourselves to blame for sending charisma-lite unknowns singing a jingle and doing some scatting.  Actual scatting!  *sigh*

Douze points for: There’s still a chance for the song to redeem itself as the backdrop to a cracking charleston this Strictly.  Fingers crossed...

Australia

I was 100% pro Australia being in the contest this year, and they didn’t disappoint - taking it seriously enough to send a catchy proper pop song sung by an actual popstar, even if he was dressed like a Wimbledon linesman, with a velvet finish.  If that had been the UK, we'd have been subjected to someone out of Home and Away in the nineties warbling over a lost Stock Aitken and Waterman demo, which had been lost for a reason.

Douze points for: Of all the LED extravagance available on that giant screen, you’ve got to love a country that decides it’s street lights and Nintendo Gameboy city-by-night graphics they want up there.  Probably their budget went on the flight over.

Austria

A plinkly plonky dirgy Coldplay rip-off by... well, the styling in the band varied from 'popstar Mormon chic' to 'eighties heavy metal scarf and bleach work', via 'classic Spinal Tap', so make of that what you will.  (And yet Europe nul-point-ed it!  *fake shocked face*)

Douze points for: They did set fire to a grand piano.  Flame-work might not have been a major theme this year, but, like costume/key changes and wind machines, on-stage fire does remain a major staple of Eurovij timelessness.

Germany

Most of this song was the singer performing with her tightly lycra-clad bum to the audience, before turning around to reveal a terrifyingly low cut décolletage and boxing champ belt.  Europe remained impassive and this got a grand total of nul points, which didn’t seem entirely fair.

Douze points for: Ass work.

Spain

Poor Spain – this was worth WAY more than 15 points and a 21^st place.  Why, you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you.  We start with FHM Senorita Roja Riding Hood (no black cloaks for the Big 5, we go RED) sitting on a leather clad man, who - let’s be blunt - has ample time for upskirting, as she gets up and de-hoods, whilst the wind machine cranks up to seventeen.  She’s then held back from launching herself into the audience by him grabbing her giant red train, as she waves her hands about her face a bit, before the red cape-dress is pulled off to reveal her dressed in some kind of see-through She-Ra outfit, complete with leg slit and sexy Roman lace-up drag-boots.  She then wafts around doing power poses, like she’s Storm off X-Men, before her man returns and they do some ballroom dancing and lifts (note to interested parties: he is topless).  She ends up singing from his shoulder, before pushing him away, and going back to controlling the weather.   She climaxes (THE SONG) on a bench.  How that was only three minutes is entirely beyond me.

Douze points for: You just read my review, right?

Italy

Popera from three very-well groomed Italianos, one of whom has daringly opted for plastic red-rimmed specs.  As you’d expect, the popera is all harmonised screams of “AMORE”, earnest glances and heavy guitar backing.  Europe apparently couldn’t get enough, which... surprised me.  Perhaps it was because it had something of the Vatican priests calendar about it.

Douze points for: Mr Cad, calling them Three Fivers.  BOOM BOOM.

Interval Act

If I'd been in charge we'd have had Conchita in a nun's habit doing the first 15 minutes of The Sound Of Music (all the parts).  Instead we got 15 minutes of mass drumming, though one of them did have a giant sledgehammer to bang his drum with, which was something, at least.

Then Conchita got to do not just one, but TWO of her new singles, which weren’t quite Rise Like A Pheonix-esque, but she was playing to a verrrrry friendly audience and wearing a top made out of mirrorball shards, so, you know, ALL GOOD.

So long, farewell...

And there we are – all over for another year (*sobs*), unless you’re into Junior Eurovision, which... I am not.  Sweden are an exemplary Eurovision nation, so we’ll be in fine hands there.  Let’s just hope the Big 5 don’t throw a WHY DOES NO-ONE VOTE FOR US, WE PAY FOR THIS FOR GOD’S SAKE, WE’RE GOING TO TAKE OUR BALL AWAY AND THEN SEE HOW YOU GET ON YOU CHEAPSKATE COUNTRIES OF EUROPE strop.  And I do sympathise.  I mean, wanting the UK to win isn’t even in my Top 50 reasons for loving Eurovision, but it would be nice to be able to get behind an act and song who can garner at least *some* points and give us even the merest hint of hope that we’ll get to host Birmingham or Milton Keynes 2017.   We live in Europtimism.

Anyway, thanks peeps!  I’m off to listen to the Russian entry again (shhh – don’t tell anyone).  Till next time!  Cue Te Deum.  Byeeeeeeeetc.  

Vienna 2015 – Semi final #2

Welcome to Semi Final Zwei!  A friend had warned me that things didn’t kick off until Song Nine, and yegads, was he right.  Yes, for me, it took a whole eight numbers to get going - the first half felt like I was drowning in a sea of duo-dirge.  Even Mel and Scott glittered up to the eyeballs and disco tits wasn’t quite enough to raise the roof, until Israel arrived with their special brand of insanity (more on that later, viewers).  So hurrah for that!  I should have known to keep the faith that it would always pick up eventually - now let us swim through the dirge onto better shores...

Lithuania

Duo #1: perky Lithuanian times.

Tuning issues aside (dear GOD), these two somehow managed to look rather cute, despite donning a lilac suit (him) and a papier-mâché piñata dress (her), which bore more than a certain resemblance to a multi-coloured Big Bird costume.  Their chemistry was in the region of ‘oooh I’ve spotted someone on the wedding dance floor I might quite fancy, so let’s go in for some jokey-banter dancing, seeing as I’ve had seven glasses of prosecco today, and see if there’s a snog on the cards.  And there was!  On stage kiss ahoy.  (Appropriately chaste, mind - the whole thing had a PG vibe about it). 

Douze points for: the backing dancers also going in for some same-sex snoggery (less chaste - clearly knowing their audience).

Ireland

Apparently still firmly committed to the My Lovely Horse policy of not wanting to risk the cost of any further hosting duties.  An Irish lovely whisper-crooning at the piano in a fake woodland is all very well and worthy, but frankly, we miss Jedward star jumping.

Douze points for: the clearly mis-subtitled lyrics “I made the mess in your vision" - up there with "where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the... wind".

San Marino

Duo #2: the awkward teenage years.

And I thought Lithuania had tuning issues.  Imagine slightly dated, am dram, budget Disney and... you’re there.  (Another year, another no show for San Marino in the final, then.)  Still, well done for trying - most of the population must have already represented SM by now, so we should accept that the performers' gene pool is starting to look somewhat limited, and they probably had little choice but to sacrificially offer up their children.

Douze points for: I’m always a sucker for a hilariously terrible talky bit, especially in heavily accented euro-English.

Montenegro

Turns out it doesn’t take a duo to churn out tuneless dirge - an old Montenegrin man with a fabulously awful nip and tuck job (I’m sure I saw a staple by one of this temples) can do it alone!  Though I did enjoy how he was inexplicably accompanied by a gang of stern looking ladies pretending to be robotic seagulls, one of whom had borrowed Mr Romania’s giant brooch for her headpiece.

Douze points for: singing in Montenegrin.  Of that, I APPROVE.

Malta

It’s bad enough when someone nicks your gimmick, but to steal a song title?  Harsh.  Poor Malta had to put up with being the second (and second best) “Warrior” of the competition, after Tuesday’s sexy-scary Xanadu gothette from Georgia.  Your Malteser did her best to work the Angelina Jolie Leg dress she’d been given, but it might have been more effective had she learned to control her spanks from sneaking out.

Douze points for: the Maltese sound engineer, quick on the reverb during the more, erm, challenging notes.

Norway

Duo #3: the cool ones. (That’s ‘cool’ by Eurovij standards, obvz.)

Him: disappointingly un-Scandi-looking.

Her: Carol Decker does Lorde on Stars in their Eyes.

It’s all very earnest and big-hair-don’t-care, but, hold the presses people, for these two can sing in tune.  THEY CAN SING IN TUNE.  A Eurovision duo miracle.

Douze points for: the Romanian head-brooch is doing the rounds – Lorde-weigan had no qualms about borrowing it from Montenegrin Seagull lady.

Portugal

What’s that I hear?  A beat.  A beat?!?!?  Surely not!  My brain can’t commute Portugal not doing melodramatic string-led I’m on the verge of topping myself fado - especially not when it’s being sung by a slim, youthful vamp with Lady Diana train-length sleeve capes and the shiniest PVC trousers she will have no choice but to be cut out of.

Douze points for: *KEY CHANGE KLAXON* Cue a noticeable murmur of pleasure in the auditorium.

Czech Republic

Duo #4: and the dirgiest of the lot - all black leather and emotional shrieking.

Douze points for: There’s one highlight, and that’s when she awkwardly takes her heels off and throws them across the stage for reasons which remain unclear.  (I'm guessing it’s either the foot pain or the fact that she’s pretty much his height with them on, and you can sense his manhood feeling threatened.)

Israel

Look, it doesn’t start promisingly, as a slightly mole-y looking guy in a suit walks through some smoke waves, warbling.  And then you notice his shoes - massive golden trainers with literal wings hanging off them...  THEN BOOM!  In comes a beat and some terrible street dancing, all to truly masterful lyrics like “Pull me baby, I’m your trigger/ You know that my love is bigger” and “I’m a golden boy, come here to enjoy/ And before I leave, let me show you Tel Aviv.”  I’m *guessing* Tel Aviv is supposed to be a euphemism...

Douze points for: many reasons, of which I will now quote a few: 1. Finally getting the pardy started.  2. A group dance move involving a pelvic thrust and a body ripple which none of them can really do.  3. Closing the song with a wink, the line “We gotta go. Three minutes. Bye bye”.  *applause*

Latvia

A young tattooed Sinitta dressed as a scarlet mermaid in a hypnotic headdress does some swirly arms and shouting.  It sounds bad, I accept, but it’s rather great (and I don’t *think* that’s just because of the sea of duo-crap which came before it).

Douze points for: A song which I will actively listen to again.  Maybe.

Azerbaijan
Well we've still got some duo action to deal with, but this time it’s in the form of a couple doing contemporary dance, whilst the singer stands around like a lump/third wheel. #awks  Meanwhile, the dancers thrust and jump around wearing matching tie dye nappy trousers, with an acrylic Sia wig for her and a dog collar and gimp lead for him.

Douze points for:  The basis of the choreography, which was 'Gollum imitates a toddler having a mega-strop'.

Iceland
They've very sweetly let Iceland's prettiest twelve year old wear her Skipper pink fairy bridesmaid dress on stage, and perform breathy karaoke to the crowd, with no concept of pitch, or fear that beaming away whilst singing about being "broken" might not work too well.

Douze points for: the five adult backing singers hidden in the shadows, carrying this shit-show.

Sweden
Just another league.  ‘Seriously hot man fist-bumps a cartoon character’ doesn't sound like a winning combo, but... It's brilliant.

Douze points for: all of it.  Malmö 2016, surely.

Switzerland

It starts off all smoke-filled floors, lady drummers, and the high priestess of Zurich on lead vocals, wearing smouldering incense and giant black robes.  Spooky times.  Of all the black cloaks (and we know there have been many) it’s definitely the Swiss miss who gets the biggest one - and it’s quickly clear why, as she suddenly throws it off to reveal a glittery white wedding dress, before singing about her eagle (or possibly her ego – hard to decipher).

Douze points for: opting for staging which is basically all of Meatloaf’s videos in Eurovision form.

Cyprus

Yawnsome geek chic, as man in fake NHS specs croons under a spotlight looking earnest - it starts all low key acoustic and graduates to saccharine orchestral string accompaniment, so there's something for everyone, provided that everyone enjoys boring cheese.

Douze points for: allowing a handy loo break in proceedings.

Slovenia

Technically another duo, but they’ve hidden him (the actual husband to her wife) behind a piano, which is smart.  She’s dressed like a tired and emotional bride who’s nicked the DJ’s headphones, and sings like a nose-blocked Nicki Minaj, with mercifully fewer ass references.  (I quite liked this.)

Douze points for: she’s accompanied by a lady-matador doing air violin, which COME ON.

Poland

So let’s recap our 2015 themes: black cloaks, repetitive lyrics, duo-dirge, head-brooches, major tuning issues and wafty white bridal-esque dresses.  Poland opted for the last two.

Douze points for: Mel, pointing out Polish lady-singer’s Vorderman’s resemblance.

And that's it!  We’re done!  Will Europe vote wisely? (Ish.)  Will the Austrian broadcasters opt for some dramatic pauses when they reveal the finalists? (Mercifully, yes.)  And who will get the last ten places? (Let’s find out....)

So: Lithuania (piñata kiss duo!), Montenegro (nip’n’tuck man!), Norway (Ginger Lorde and friend!), Israel (“Pull me baby, I’m your trigger/ You know that my love is bigger”!), Latvia (Sinitta mermaid!), Azerbaijan (interpretative dance!), Sweden (peerless!), Cyprus (dull specs!), Slovenia (headphones!), Poland (Vorderman!).

The bookies seem to favour Sweden, Russia, Italy and Australia, so I’ll opt for those as the ones to watch (seeing as the only winner I’ve ever tipped was Loreen, and that was SUCH a no-brainer).  I'll also be happy enough to see Latvia and Slovenia again.  Not long to go now peeps.  HAPPY EUROVISION!

Vienna 2015 – Semi final #1

Willkommen in Wien, beeyatches!  

And it’s Conchita - who else? - willkommening us to the show, clad in Ikea lampshade-structured skinnybitch white and urging us to once more Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise Like A Phoenix - this time accompanied by such Viennese clichés as a swirly stringed orchestra and aristocratic Viennese Waltzers in synthetic non-fireproof wigs.  OH THE EXCITEMENT ETC.  

In what is probably my favourite-evah Eurovij news, proceedings on the Beeb are being co-hosted by accent-and-abbreviations-fan Mel 'Mel and Sue' Giedroyc - who was simply wünderbar throughout.  (She even made the less-than-enthusiastic Mr Cad nearly enjoy the show.)  May her contract to do this forever be iron-clad and legally binding on pain of death - what’s the licence fee for, if not this?  

Let’s gloss over the three Austrian lady-presenters (who are as awful and charisma/chemistry-free as, well, any other Eurovision host), briefly quickly express some sadness that we are without my (probably) favourite Eurovision nation, Ukraine, this year (for fairly obvious reasons - let Ruslana lead the way to peace and EU membership), and just crack on, shall we?  

Ja wohl!

Moldova  

Imagine a shiny-teethed, PG-rated, Moldovan Kid Rock, surrounded by gyrating backing dancers dressed as a Halloween hen weekend where the theme is ‘Sexy Cops’ - yup, someone's bulk-bought a selection of PVC hot pants.  But at least it’s equal opportunities objectification, as Moldova is quite happy to put their male folk beefcakes in spray-on cycling shorts, alongside their thrusty, toned ladeez.  The song is a total rip-off of a recent chart hit, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you which one, as I’m too old for the hit parade these days and all of my pop knowledge is gleaned from what I hear over the tannoy when I’m browsing in Dorothy Perkins.

Douze points for: costume theme work - sadly, a 2015 rarity going by tonight’s semi.

Armenia

OK, who had 'smoke machines' at nineteen minutes in?  Basically, Armenia have sent five members from the Yerevan Medieval Role Play Society, to repeatedly warble-scream out the words “DON’T DENY” at Europe, whilst gorgeous be-cloaked and be-face-jewellery-ed vixens stare at the camera and attempt to indoctrinate Europe into their Prog Rock cult through the medium of loud but sensual chanting.

Douze points for: the excellent work by said vixens in avoiding their lesser-attractive male counterparts’ attempts at surreptitious hand-holding during the song. 

Belgium

Perhaps a little more excitement from Belgium than we’re used to - albeit, such ‘excitement’ taking the form of a clean cut young man, who was probably spotted at a church choir or Young Politicians convention, before being Gok Wan-ed into wearing a stripy pink shirt and asymmetric three-quarter length suit.  Still, he's happy to perform an array of highly individual dance moves, backed up by Dental Nurse Fembots (hello niche) whilst singing “Rrrrap rrrrap rrrap” for a good three minutes.  After Armenia’s endless “don’t deny don’t deny don’t deny”, it seems our main theme is the repetitive lyric, rrrrap rrrrap rrrap, which is particularly disappointing, when you think that it might have been sexualised police officers.

Douze points for: Dance moves such as ‘faceography’, ‘lyingdownography’, ‘DentistFembotography’, etceteraography.

The Netherlands

And lo, the repetitive lyric theme continues; this time it’s “why-aii-aiiiiiii” times a gazillion, prompting such questions as “why-aii-aiiiiiii is our lady of the Netherlands wearing black pantaloons and Oxford sub fusc?”  In a new twist on the Bucks Fizz undressing theme, she begins in a black lace face mask, before ripping it off to emote her “why-aii-aiiiiiii”-ing all over the camera.  (Someone on Twitter also queried whether she was actually a Geordie, which = proper lolz.)  The best bit was probably her UV knuckle tattoo which spelled out “L.O.V.E” - it seemed *so* quintessentially Eurovision that I literally can’t believe it hasn’t been done on every Eurovij ever, ever.  (Perhaps it has.  I'm usually drinking heavily at this point.)

Douze points for: our lady having the Dutchest name there ever was: “Trijtje Oosterhuis”.  AMAJJJING.

Finland

Eurovision’s shortest ever song (some might say mercifully), shouty, guitary, punky and performed by guys with developmental and learning disabilities - which I realise sounds like a way off-colour (indeed unacceptable) sarky remark, but is actually a statement of fact. 

Douze points for: apparently starting the song with the lyric “The song title is on your screen” - though I concede that could be down to subtitling confusion.

Interlude as Conchita (now christened ‘Concheets’ by Mel - hello payrise) swans through the Green Room dressed in Maggie Thatcher Does Navy Blue Drag Queen Jumpsuit.  She looks phenomenal.

Greece

Well, it’s Greece, so we all know what to expect; there will be sexy and it will get through to the final regardless of song quality - Eurovision just isn’t Eurovision if Cyprus and Greece don’t get to give each other twelve points somewhere along the line.  Usually song quality (‘quality’ hahaHA) isn’t much of an issue, as Greece are an exemplary Eurovision nation, but this year’s power ballad snoozefest in a dangerously slitty dress is nowhere near our usual Greek vintage.  Syriza have a lot to answer for, it seems.

Douze points for: the whole budget going on tit tape power-adhesive and incredibly carefully targeted wind machine directionals.

Estonia

I appreciate that not many of you will also be avid listeners of French Radio London (it goes on when I’m washing up too loudly to hear Radio 4), but this is basically an Estonian version of what FRL seem to play 60% of the time.  They’ve opted for a couples perf: he has a large guitar and a vinyl wig, she has a rather high voice and some Superdrug Girls Aloud fake eyelashes, but mainly they’re giving intense mutual eyefucking a right good go.  It mostly comes off as I WANT TO KILL YOU-esque staring, but well-done for trying.

Douze points for: the pre-song commentary: "Stig Rästa is one of the best-known song writers in Estonia", which frankly made me PMSL.

FYR Macedonia

At last, an exciting outfit display: ladies’ detective mac For Him, bowtie cravat made of gaffa tape, and a nearly-twirly perfectly groomed moustache.  Songwise, it’s a rather terrible attempt at singing, but this remains a perfect example of why you should never skip the Eurovision semi finals - obviously it didn't get through, but one’s cultural experience of Euro-life is poorer without such ridiculousness getting all up in yo’ brain.

Douze points for: employing three seriously burly square-shouldered bouncers to be your unexpected back-up singers.

Serbia

Serbian fatty Bojana starts with a yawnsome ballad which entirely expectedly ‘unexpectedly’ turns into a high NRG dance tune.  Mirroring the musical events, Bojana’s backing dancers get to go from ‘sinister flag waving white priests in phantom masks’ to ‘what the dance floor looks like when a group of office workers end up in a club at 3am on a Thursday’.  Bojana herself is probably too trussed up to risk a costume change (I can only imagine the under-rigging), so stays true to My Big Fat Gypsy Eurovision throughout.

Douze points for: singing dressed as one of those creepy loo roll dolls off the eighties. 

Hungary

Last year, Hungary’s song ‘Running’ was an up-tempo dance number about domestic abuse.  This year, Hungary’s song ‘Wars For Nothing’ is a slow-tempo power ballad about wars being for nothing and people never getting to see daylight because they’ve been locked up for crimes they didn’t commit.  You can’t really fault the message, but wowsers it’s depressing, until you discover it’s sung by a lady whose name is ‘Boggie’. 

Yep, Boggie. 

That’s ‘Boggie’ everyone.

Boggie.

Douze points for: BOGGIE!

Belarus

Another couple for our televisual pleasure: this time, man sings dance number whilst the lady fiddles in the background (on her violin, you total perves).  Mind you, she does go for the most overtly sexy violining possible - the bowing is totally second to hair flicks, hip thrusts and smizing.  Tyra Banks would be well proud.

Nul points for: Sadly I can’t give this any points, douze or otherwise, as it wasn’t about cheesecake.

Russia

Oh here we go, Russia singing about peace AGAIN whilst the Eurovij producers desperately cover up the inevitable boos with some canned applause. 

LIKE, COME ON.

Douze points for: *secretly bloody loves this one*

Denmark

An instrument-playing boyband called Anti-Social Media (GEDDIT, ffs) who liken themselves to The Beatles - cue some major Lucy Watson eyeroll.  Props to the one in the white polo neck and blazer though (as if I needed any more proof that I truly don’t get ‘the kidz’ these days.  Though surely watching Eurovision is enough to know that.)

Douze points for: very possibly out-cheesing Rybak. (Yes, him of “I’m in lurrrrrve, with a fairytaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale” fame).  I didn’t think we’d ever get more gorgonzola than that one, but...

Albania

Tis truly the year of the cloak!  This time in the form of some excellent diamante shoulder cape action.  (Even Edna Mode would be partial to this one, I'd wager.)  Shame the rest is nondescript female ballad action with highly dubious tuning.  I predicted Albania to be the first sure-fire immediate exit.  So, obviously they made it through.

Dix points for: second best tit tape power-adhesive and carefully targeted wind machine directionals, after Greece.

Romania

I spent most of this performance googling how to spell ‘brooch’, because I truly couldn’t believe that was it.  (It took the John Lewis website to persuade me.)  I now realise that was Romania’s very clever tactic to distract us all from a) their singer’s perfectly shiny pate, and b) the entire song.

Douze points for: regardless of spelling, that brooch was amazebrooch. Who needs a tie (or hair) when you can accessorise with a rhinestone scorpion badge?

Georgia

Turns out we needed a pleather chaps and shorts combo with feather-shoulders goth styling shrieking Georgian Evanescence at the gays.  Think lady Jon Snow from Game of Thrones meets something out of Flash Gordon and you’re more or less there.

Douze points for: use of kohl.

So there we go – obviously it was brilliant (mainly thanks to Mel), but who made it through, you ask?  Well, Armenia (Prog Rock cult!), Belgium (Dentalbots!), Estonia (Vinyl Wig Eyefucking!), Serbia (Big Fat Eurovision!), Albania (Glitter cape!), Georgia (Lady Goth crow!), Greece (Slitty wind machine!), Hungary (Boggie/No wars!), Romania (Broochgate!) and Russia (Russia!).  Secret hoorays for Russia, but I can’t help but feel some disappointment in Europe’s propensity to support dirgy choral ballads over sexy policewear and bowtie gaffa tape cravats.

Also problematic: the Austrian refusal to implement long theatrical pauses when revealing the finalists; seriously, they just read out the countries like the football results on fast forward - efficiency over suspense is not the Eurovij way.  Simon Cowell may produce much unwatchable shite, but we should all acknowledge his use of the dramatic power pause.  Listen and learn, terrible lady presenters.

In the meantime, two things to look forward to for Semi Final Zwei: guessing which political leader Concheets will decide to channel, and MORE MEL!  Hurrah!  

Bis bald, as they say!  

(Sorry Romanian Brooch Dude.)