Stockholm 2016 - Semi final #1

And vvvvvvelcome to Eurovision 2016!  Not that hostess Petra Mede would pronounce it "vvvelcome", for her English is perfect.  Co-host and former winner Mans is also there, mainly to provide cheekbones and pectorals.  Ain't no Eurovision  like a Swedish Eurovision, so let's get the show started - with a live action version of Mans' winning Heroes, which features an army of golden-haired children in orange lederhosen.  It's clearly aimed at that part of the Venn diagram where Third Reich enthusiasts and S Club Junior fans overlap.

But on with the show.  Who's getting to Saturday and who's returning to their corner of Europe in a diva-esque huff?

Finland

Finnish hen party at the 11pm karaoke stage of their evening.  And their tune of choice? A shrieky but perfectly acceptable girl power club anthem, complete with the woeful tuning you’d expect from a bunch several sambucas into their night.  Good on the lead singer/bride for braving a tight powder blue catsuit, made from a peculiar suede/PVC hybrid.  Also good on her for making no attempt to hide her poo straining face when she went for the high notes.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  We are not.

Greece

Perfectly coiffed ladies wail and fairly buff men rap, before they all do an arm grabbing line dance in wafty white yoga pants (bar the two least attractive ones reduced to banging a massive drum and bowing a tiny Greek violin thing).  In short, all the tried and tested Greek staples - we’ve seen them time and again and they have ALWAYS been a triumph.  But this year...?  This year they pulled a Father Ted.  All of the above yet a monotonous dirge.  Not even Cyrpus would have given that the douze.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  Well on one level, no - this was a shocker.  But a Eurovision final WITHOUT Greece?!  Boooooooo to Grexit.  Boooooooo.  Thumb down emoji.

Moldova

Solo sexy laydee, with mirror shard boob decor, does standard high NRG pop wailing, accompanied by a breakdancing astronaut/very mild stripper.   I mean, what else were you expecting?

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  Maybe a little - I mean, the competition was hardly electric.

Hungary

This performance included whistling backing singers, prostitute-red lighting and a man in a sheet hoofing a massive drum whilst doing capoeria, but there was no need for gimmicks really – the audience only had eyes for jeans model hot Hungarian man with three day stubble belting out some emo.

Did they make it?  Yes!  
Are we surprised?  Hell no - JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE.

Croatia

Alien lady with silver bowl haircut and giant cape/dress made from the inside of a cool bag, repeatedly singing the not at all phallic lyric “I know that I’ll find your lighthouse, your lighthouse”.  I wish her nothing but well in her quest.

Did they make it?  They did!  
Are we surprised?  Nah.

Netherlands

Bargain bin Dutch Elvis (Elvishh) does pretty unbearable Cheese and Western - or should that be LEERDAMMER and Western?!?!?!  Hahahaha, do you GEDDIT?  

Leerdammer!  Because Leerdammer is Dutch, do you seeeeee? 

... *tumbleweed* ... 

Should I have used “Gouda and Western? 

...*more tumbleweed* ...

ANYWAY, there was a ten second gap in the middle during which Elivshh stared at the camera and drawled something cheesy/Leerdammery like "hey baby" and I genuinely believed a technical fault had occurred.  Turns out it was deliberate, which, oh just fuck off.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  Words can't even express... (Europe loved this BTW. I am alone.)

Armenia

Dry ice – CHECK.

Real fire decor – CHECK.  

Stone cold vixen with massive hair, lips and ‘lungs’ – CHECK.   

Black sheer leotard with leather bodice detail and see-through cape – CHECK.  

Lots of “whooo hoooo hoooo-ing” – CHECK.  

Superimposed imagery of aforementioned vixen writhing horizontally whilst a wind machine goes insane – CHECK.

Helllooooooooooooo!?!  

Amazeballs.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  It would have been an INTERNATIONAL OUTRAGE if it hadn't got through.

San Marino

Surely, they must be having to outsource these days?  (I mean, can there be any San Marinans left to do it?)  Either way, they chose a Stanley Tucci impersonator with a gravelly voice, and a number of young lovies squeezed into silver spandex, bar the one who insisted on a sexy secretary outfit.  In short, the usual cringeworthily amateur mess that we know and love.  Good work SM, good work!

Did they make it?  PMSL emoji.  Of course not.
Are we surprised?  Oh San Marino.  Bless you.  Maybe one day!

Russia

Basically, Russia is so desperate to win that it hasn’t even tried to hide how much this rips off last year’s Swedish winner – cue a lithe young hunkster interacting with a giant LED screen which features lots of exciting graphics and dance moves.  Credit where it’s due, the Russian version also involves said hunkster climbing into the screen and being spun around a bit.  Hopefully he'll have eliminated the oh-my-God-is-he-going-to-fall wobble come the final.

Did they make it?  Obvz.  
Are we surprised?  We are not - Russia could throw in six dancing grannies and some pizza-oven-ography and almost win the thing.  Oh hang on...

Czech Republic

It took ten songs to get to the ballad, which would usually be a result in my book, but the uptempo showings have been less than rousing this year.  Mind you, this ballad is no more inspirational.  What can I remember? She was pretty... She wore white peplum... she... nah, that’s it.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  Literally can't remember.

Cyprus

STROBES!

MORE STROBES!

HEAVY GUITAR!

SCISSOR JUMP!

CAGED DRUMMER!

GUYLINER! 

TURQUOISE GOATIE BEARD!

STILL MORE STROBES!

ALL OF THEM ARE AT LEAST FORTY!

SOME STROBES AGAIN!

WOLF HOWL!

 In short, excellent.

Did they make it?  They did, thank FUCK.  
Are we surprised?  Hell yes!  Bravo Europe!

Austria

I’d have gone gaga for this if I’d seen it at Luxembourg 1984, when was 6 or 7 (did I say 84? I mean 94, of course...).  She was wearing a peach ballgown, was saccharine beyond belief and was singing in French even though she is not French!  Trop chic!  But these days... Well, not even the French sing in French.  Points for being Disney cute and me not wanting to stab her though (yes, am looking at you Belgium...).

Did they make it?  They did!  
Are we surprised?  Massively surprised - but in a good way.

Estonia

Europe’s creepiest Young Conservative dons daddy’s double breasted electric blue suit and does far too much come hither beckoning.  Just when you think it can’t get any more uncool, he does a card trick.  Just no.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  We are mainly just relieved that we'll never have to live through that again.

Azerbaijan

Well I can’t say Sexy American Football Player is a look that I recall from any previous Eurovisions, so props for that.  Somewhere in the foreground, a young Nigella-alike in a flesh-coloured crochet catsuit (cause nothing says sexy like crochet) repeatedly sings “gonna take a miracle” with dubious tuning and we all think, “yup, probably love”.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  We are not - the Azeris are well primed in the art of effective Eurovij bribing, I mean, performing.

Montenegro

All the wind machines!  ALL OF THEM!  All the smoke machines!  ALL OF THEM!

Sadly, that premise does not quite lead to the requisite brilliance I was expecting - instead a man in bin bag drones on a bit whilst a pretty girl in thigh high boots does hairography and kung fu kicks. 

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  We are not.

Iceland

So apparently there *is* a Leather Playsuit and Leather Fringed Cardigan Barbie to add to the collection.  This performance involved Barbie dancing around a bit whilst a giant shadow hand tried to grab her – let's charitably say it was to help rejig her outfit to avoid leather crotch chaffing.  (There's nothing wrong with going up a size, sweetheart.)

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  European scandal apparently. (I'll be honest, I'm not with Europe on this one.  I thought this was meh at best.)

Bosnia and Herzegovina

'Cellist in space blanket and thongotard, pleather Inspector Gadget, pregnant Xenia Warrior Princess in a puffy fishtail, symbolic screen and barbed wire, furious rap.'

Those were my notes.  I think they cover events appropriately.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  Not really.

Malta

Classic Maltese diva pop, rocking botox, push up bra and Angelina Jolie leg.  Anyway, she belted out a belter whilst a man with slicked-back hair rolled around the stage a bit.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  We are not.

Anything else to note?
For some reason, the BBC didn't show the Swedish half-time entz, a really powerful dance performance about the refugee crisis called The Grey People.  It's well worth a watch.  Instead we got Mel Giedroyc trying to fit four meatballs in her gob, which was also frankly brilliant.