Back for more, suckers? Of course you are! A far better semi-final awaits, as it happens, including the best performance of the night - from presenters Petra and Mans, with a sarky history of Eurovision set to musical jazz hands, which was only missing two things - dancing meat balls and Mans naked but for a fluffy wolf over his privates. Thankfully one of those things appeared at a later time, so you can all stand down now.
And let's get on with the showwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! (*more jazz hands*)
Latvia
If we're getting a theme this year, it's solo pretty boys, shamelessly appealing to the teenage girl televote market. This one's pretty enough - his slightly larger than average snozz just about masked by a silky fringe of beauty - he's clearly no stranger
to hair conditioner. Simple staging - black leather jacket, the skinniest jeans - my my, we might be experiencing a ‘not
actually too bad electro dance number’ shocker...
Did they make it? Yes!
Are we surprised? Not at all - this was actually quite good.
Poland
You know how I said this was a better semi-final than Tuesday. Hmmm... From the back, it's Alanis
Morrissette in her You Oughta Know days.
From the front, it's a thin young chap sporting a Sergeant Pepper moustache,
a circus master coat with epaulette fringing, loafers without socks and
perfectly manicured black nails. It’s a
strong look, I suppose. As for the song, my friends, the
song is... zzzzzzzzz, Dirgesaw, Dirgeland. I’m
also fairly certainly that it’s an actual European Broadcasting Union law that
any words lit up in massive neon as part of your staging must take on the
British and not the American spelling. “COLOR”? No. Unacceptable.
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? On one hand, this was pure gash. On the other, it's no real suprise that Poland can rely on its healthy diaspora to pick up the phone. #milkmaidgate
Switzerland
Well, she had a portable smoke machine strapped to her back, which was... how to say... unusual. They’d also styled her in the most flammable
looking lilac acrylic wig and shiny sheer skirt, so part of me wonders if
there was some kind of underhand murder attempt going on - and not just of the song, BOOM BOOM. Spoiler: she got to the end of the song unscathed. Whether she'll get back to Zurich, I cannot say.
Did they make it? Nope.
Are we surprised? Nope.
Israel
Emo ballad time. Totes emosh lead singer man (equal parts
angst, guyliner and Swarovski crystals glue-gunned about his person) is forced to
share the screen with two co-dancers rolling around the stage in a giant hoop - a staging decision he clearly didn’t sign off on. The
tension was palpable and I’m surprised the
hoop didn’t get derailed by a rogue crystal.
Or was literally pushed off stage in a prima donna-esque fit of pique.
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? No, not really. As ballads go, this was tolerable and Mr Israel actually seems highly likeable, especially for someone who revels in jealousy and excessive diamenté.
Belarus
OH.
EM.
GEE.
Seriously. Where to begin? Well,
perhaps as Ivan the singer himself began – with a giant CGI projection of a
very thin and very naked Belarusian dude singing earnestly to a wolf, perhaps about how
to get more wolfpelt-like volume in his straggly long hair (best speak to Mr Latvia).
I thought Swarovski Israel had ego issues, but even he didn’t see fit to
spend three minutes prancing in front of projections of himself playing the
drums, the bass guitar, the rhythm guitar, the lead guitar, writing the theme song,
recording the theme song, singing the theme song, performing a second dance routine, then more adding wolves, all culminating in a dancing
baby in a nappy. Yup. You read that right.
Did they make it? Nope.
Are we surprised? We are all losers here. You've disappointed me Europe.
Serbia
A she-vision in black pleather corset and lady fringing, yelling out a big one. Imagine, if you will, a lady-baddy/evil love interest in a sixties sci-fi film, and that's your Serbian gal. Her army of backing singers were equally terrifying/pleathered - indeed there was so much fringing on stage it looked like they’d been coated in black algae. The song? Well I assume there was one, but I can summon no memory of it.
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? Probably. Mainly still reeling from Belarusian denial.
Ireland
Nicky out of Westlife phoning in a substandard U2 noughties number and thanking you kindly for the cheque.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? I don't think even Nicky himself gives a shit.
FYR Macedonia
If you’re going to viva la diva, make this your benchmark – wind machine-a-go-go highlightsing impressive cleav-AGE and Adam Ant blouse framing of the lady-crotch, as Macedonian Cher screams out “DONA DONA DONA” for three minutes. Obviously amazing.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? Yes! This was awesome in its ridiculousness. Just when I was getting over Belarus... Hurrumph.
Lithuania
Pretty much the same as Latvia, only this one has a white leather jacket.
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? Pretty boy, inoffensive pop. Nah.
Australia
"I think that's a typo, Catherine - though didn't you say our Alpine friends had already competed with a song in French...?" No no, my dears - well done for paying attention, but I MEANT to type Australia, for our Aussie friends have once more sneaked back into the Eurovision fray. "But Australia aren’t a European whiney whiney whiney blah blah...” OH WHO CARES, because this was brilliant! Welcome Australia, and may you long stick around if this is what we get. Please continue to embrace your Becky With The Good Hair status – the song is a pop classic, the performance is slick, powerful and IN TUNE, and the styling is 100% ‘what do you mean I shouldn’t wear a giant white diamond-encrusted ballgown to my mate's wedding'? SYDNEY 2017!
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? Not in the slightest.
Slovenia
A Slovenian Taylor Swift in virginal white yodels whilst Europe stares open-mouthed at inflated boobs taped up with black leather strapping. No-one’s even watching the muscular guy pole-dancing topless to her right. Well, apart from the core Eurovision demographic, probably.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? Could have gone either way, but boobs aren't a winning theme this year.
Bulgaria
When my best mate and I used to go clubbing in our younger days, we had a dance move which we’d employ when less than desirable men would dance towards us – it had a 100% success rate in getting them to dance on away in another direction. We called it the ‘man repellent’ and it involved basically dancing whilst squatting slightly and pretending to do a version of the birdie song's movements. Yup, it wasn't good, but Bulgaria nonetheless spent much of this number doing the man repellent. Sound disastrous? No! She was fantastic! All the more so, when you note that she was dressed in a flesh-coloured bodystocking with white light up foam knee pads and a cloak. I loved this.
Did they make it? Yay!
Are we surprised? Happily so!
Denmark
As with every boy band, there’s the one who can sing but isn’t that pretty – and in tried and tested tradition, he was hidden through most of the song by his microphone, whilst the other two got to move around a bit and point earnestly at the crowd and camera. I would put money on one of them turning up as in the role of Corpse Four in the next Scandi-noir triumph.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? Maybe slightly - this wasn't too bad.
Ukraine
The song is called 1944 and it’s about atrocities committed in times of war, but it’s not at all about the present, you understand, because look at the title, 1944, in the past, nothing to do with any currentannexing conflicts situations, oh no nothing to see here, Eurovision’s not political, we’re not making a point, oh no. It’s not unpowerful stuff, given the circumstances. The circumstances of 1944, of course.
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? Europe might have a few differences, but (with a notable exception and its gas lackeys), it's pretty united on this one.
Norway
Are we really at the stage where beautiful blonde 21 year olds feel it necessary to have botox face? What a depressing prospect. To be honest, if you're looking for a gorgeous solo Norwegian blonde in tight white number doing a Eurovij choon, don't bother with this - go back to 2013 instead.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? She certainly was - I reckon someone got fired off the back of this failure.
Georgia
Imagine, if you will, a Georgian band formed of nineties and noughties indie rejects – down to badly cut Paul Weller hair heroin shit make-up and the kind of twattish hat you’d imagine Johnny Borrell might have picked out. And just in case we weren’t seeing enough of them, they also employed the most sophisticated of special effects, namely replicating themselves in mirrored imagery - HASHTAG YAWN. Good song though? Nope, just the sound of self-satisfied moany guitar pop and a not-particularly-attractive man droning on about hangovers as a front for showing off that he managed to grab some sex with an actual woman the night before.
Did they make it? Obviously not, I mean... Oh hang on what's that you say? They DID make it?
THEY DID MAKE IT?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
SOMEHOW EUROPE VOTED THIS INTO THE FINAL?
WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAAAAAT?!?!?
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!
ETC.
Are we surprised? See above.
Albania
Bond theme attempt, dressed as an Oscar statue slash Ferrero Rocher – this is not a woman I would feel safe crossing, though I bet Conchita would attempt a run, given the choice of gold and spy film rip-off-ery.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? After Georgia, everything Eurovision is a now a nonsensical surprise.
Belgium
This is one unquestionably talented Belgian perky pop waffle, but the smug... My God, the smug. It's unbearable. I fully accept that being the 19 year old winner of The Flemish Voice is going to give you an impressive celebrity status, but reel in it, love. Jealous, you say? What of? Her perfect Disney Club dance moves? Her eye-dazzling dentist-bought grin? Her eminently slappable face? The baggy silver hotpants, cause you've got to keep it a little puritanical...? Ah well, I suppose she's probably got an evil momager keeping her on a tight leash and a depressive cocaine addiction ahead of her, so maybe it's best to leave it there.
Did they make it? Yes, and deservedly of course.
Are we surprised? I’ll still sulk through her final performance, mind.
Anything else to note? Somehow, SOMEHOW, the Swedish delegation has got Justin Timberlake to perform at the final - there isn't an emoji in the world to sum that one up, nor one which could represent how JT will feel once he's seen what he's on after.
*dies laughing*
I'll be back in a day or so to blog the Big Five and Sweden, but in the meantime - have a most wunderbar Eurovision. No doubt the UK will have another relative shocker, but that's not the point. May we stick around with these beautiful weirdos for a while yet.
Are we surprised? We are all losers here. You've disappointed me Europe.
Serbia
A she-vision in black pleather corset and lady fringing, yelling out a big one. Imagine, if you will, a lady-baddy/evil love interest in a sixties sci-fi film, and that's your Serbian gal. Her army of backing singers were equally terrifying/pleathered - indeed there was so much fringing on stage it looked like they’d been coated in black algae. The song? Well I assume there was one, but I can summon no memory of it.
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? Probably. Mainly still reeling from Belarusian denial.
Ireland
Nicky out of Westlife phoning in a substandard U2 noughties number and thanking you kindly for the cheque.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? I don't think even Nicky himself gives a shit.
FYR Macedonia
If you’re going to viva la diva, make this your benchmark – wind machine-a-go-go highlightsing impressive cleav-AGE and Adam Ant blouse framing of the lady-crotch, as Macedonian Cher screams out “DONA DONA DONA” for three minutes. Obviously amazing.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? Yes! This was awesome in its ridiculousness. Just when I was getting over Belarus... Hurrumph.
Lithuania
Pretty much the same as Latvia, only this one has a white leather jacket.
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? Pretty boy, inoffensive pop. Nah.
Australia
"I think that's a typo, Catherine - though didn't you say our Alpine friends had already competed with a song in French...?" No no, my dears - well done for paying attention, but I MEANT to type Australia, for our Aussie friends have once more sneaked back into the Eurovision fray. "But Australia aren’t a European whiney whiney whiney blah blah...” OH WHO CARES, because this was brilliant! Welcome Australia, and may you long stick around if this is what we get. Please continue to embrace your Becky With The Good Hair status – the song is a pop classic, the performance is slick, powerful and IN TUNE, and the styling is 100% ‘what do you mean I shouldn’t wear a giant white diamond-encrusted ballgown to my mate's wedding'? SYDNEY 2017!
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? Not in the slightest.
Slovenia
A Slovenian Taylor Swift in virginal white yodels whilst Europe stares open-mouthed at inflated boobs taped up with black leather strapping. No-one’s even watching the muscular guy pole-dancing topless to her right. Well, apart from the core Eurovision demographic, probably.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? Could have gone either way, but boobs aren't a winning theme this year.
Bulgaria
When my best mate and I used to go clubbing in our younger days, we had a dance move which we’d employ when less than desirable men would dance towards us – it had a 100% success rate in getting them to dance on away in another direction. We called it the ‘man repellent’ and it involved basically dancing whilst squatting slightly and pretending to do a version of the birdie song's movements. Yup, it wasn't good, but Bulgaria nonetheless spent much of this number doing the man repellent. Sound disastrous? No! She was fantastic! All the more so, when you note that she was dressed in a flesh-coloured bodystocking with white light up foam knee pads and a cloak. I loved this.
Did they make it? Yay!
Are we surprised? Happily so!
Denmark
As with every boy band, there’s the one who can sing but isn’t that pretty – and in tried and tested tradition, he was hidden through most of the song by his microphone, whilst the other two got to move around a bit and point earnestly at the crowd and camera. I would put money on one of them turning up as in the role of Corpse Four in the next Scandi-noir triumph.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? Maybe slightly - this wasn't too bad.
Ukraine
The song is called 1944 and it’s about atrocities committed in times of war, but it’s not at all about the present, you understand, because look at the title, 1944, in the past, nothing to do with any current
Did they make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? Europe might have a few differences, but (with a notable exception and its gas lackeys), it's pretty united on this one.
Norway
Are we really at the stage where beautiful blonde 21 year olds feel it necessary to have botox face? What a depressing prospect. To be honest, if you're looking for a gorgeous solo Norwegian blonde in tight white number doing a Eurovij choon, don't bother with this - go back to 2013 instead.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? She certainly was - I reckon someone got fired off the back of this failure.
Georgia
Imagine, if you will, a Georgian band formed of nineties and noughties indie rejects – down to badly cut Paul Weller hair heroin shit make-up and the kind of twattish hat you’d imagine Johnny Borrell might have picked out. And just in case we weren’t seeing enough of them, they also employed the most sophisticated of special effects, namely replicating themselves in mirrored imagery - HASHTAG YAWN. Good song though? Nope, just the sound of self-satisfied moany guitar pop and a not-particularly-attractive man droning on about hangovers as a front for showing off that he managed to grab some sex with an actual woman the night before.
Did they make it? Obviously not, I mean... Oh hang on what's that you say? They DID make it?
THEY DID MAKE IT?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
SOMEHOW EUROPE VOTED THIS INTO THE FINAL?
WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAAAAAT?!?!?
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!
ETC.
Are we surprised? See above.
Albania
Bond theme attempt, dressed as an Oscar statue slash Ferrero Rocher – this is not a woman I would feel safe crossing, though I bet Conchita would attempt a run, given the choice of gold and spy film rip-off-ery.
Did they make it? No.
Are we surprised? After Georgia, everything Eurovision is a now a nonsensical surprise.
Belgium
This is one unquestionably talented Belgian perky pop waffle, but the smug... My God, the smug. It's unbearable. I fully accept that being the 19 year old winner of The Flemish Voice is going to give you an impressive celebrity status, but reel in it, love. Jealous, you say? What of? Her perfect Disney Club dance moves? Her eye-dazzling dentist-bought grin? Her eminently slappable face? The baggy silver hotpants, cause you've got to keep it a little puritanical...? Ah well, I suppose she's probably got an evil momager keeping her on a tight leash and a depressive cocaine addiction ahead of her, so maybe it's best to leave it there.
Did they make it? Yes, and deservedly of course.
Are we surprised? I’ll still sulk through her final performance, mind.
Anything else to note? Somehow, SOMEHOW, the Swedish delegation has got Justin Timberlake to perform at the final - there isn't an emoji in the world to sum that one up, nor one which could represent how JT will feel once he's seen what he's on after.
*dies laughing*
I'll be back in a day or so to blog the Big Five and Sweden, but in the meantime - have a most wunderbar Eurovision. No doubt the UK will have another relative shocker, but that's not the point. May we stick around with these beautiful weirdos for a while yet.
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