Speed preview 2025 - SF #1

 

1. Iceland: VÆB – RÓA

Bacofoil Jedward do joyful sea shanty.

 

2. Poland: Justyna Steczkowska – GAJA

Leatherclad witchy siren (with actual potion powers to look like that at 52).

 

3. Slovenia: Klemen – How Much Time Do We Have Left

Imagine Rory Bremner (i.e., known mainly for comedy impressions) singing a serious song about his wife having cancer, but Slovenian. (Hmmkay.)

 

4. Estonia: Tommy Cash – Espresso Macchiato

Proper musical artiste hipster, known for gross-out porny performance art and being friends with Charli XCX, here doing a silly pop ditty which mocks Italians and includes the superlative lyric: “No stresso, no stresso / No need to be depresso”.

 

Spain: Melody – ESA DIVA

Blonde banger in bejewelled leotard and tit tape.

 

5. Ukraine: Ziferblat – Bird of Pray

Folksy-pop and Gerry Andersen puppet fashion (I knew moustaches had made a comeback amongst 20somethings, but didn’t have lilac acrylic flares and Vulcan feather cuts on the list).

 

6. Sweden: KAJ – Bara Bada Bastu

Hilariously beat out 2015 Eurovision winner Mans Zemerlow in the Swedish national final, to represent the Scandi Pop Titans with… a joke entry about saunas. And yet remain the favourite to win the whole thing.

 

7. Portugal: NAPA – Deslocado

Madeiran Sleeperblokes do sad indie, not that Portugal give a fado what the rest of us think. Portugal gonna Portugal and long may that last.

 

8. Norway: Kyle Alessandro – Lighter

K-pop bop (yes from Norway) with laboratory slick choreo. Kyle was asked in an interview if the "I’ll be my own lighter" lyric was a reference to being asked for a ciggie, to which he replied “actually the song is about my mother being diagnosed with cancer”. 

So that happened.

 

9. Belgium: Red Sebastian – Strobe Lights

Acceptable electro-pop anthem though some might say (NOT ME) needs a charisma kick which doesn’t come naturally to all Belgians.

 

Italy: Lucio Corsi – Volevo Essere Un Duro

Sad Italian clown wants to be Ziggy Stardust. No stresso, no stresso, no need to be depresso, my friend!

 

10. Azerbaijan: Mamagama - Run With U

AI-generated Justin Timberlake.

 

11. San Marino: Gabry Ponte – Tutta L’Italia

To chose their Eurovision representative, Italy hold a week-long contest with Strictly Come Dancing levels of popularity. And much like Strictly, the Sam Remo festival has a theme tune. And San Marino, A WHOLE DIFFERENT COUNTRY, have selected that theme tune as their entry for the 2025 Eurovision Song Contest. Absolute scenes. Incredible work.

 

12. Albania: Shkodra Elektronike – Zjerm

More witchy enthno-pop goodness.

 

13. Netherlands: Claude – C’est La Vie

Natural successor to Dr Alban’s It’s My Life, which you’ll recall from rollerblading on the beach in white hotpants’n’a tampon advertising.

 

14. Croatia: Marko Bošnjak – Poison Cake

Goth boy screeching “take a bite of my POISON CAKE”. Unlistenable.

 

Switzerland: Zoë Më – Voyage

The one the male musos might deign to acknowledge is “sort of ok actually” but is of course an absolute snoozefest.

 

15. Cyprus: Theo Evan – Shh

Handsome man pop. I’ve deliberately not watched this one as I’m told the staging will astound, which may leave my expectations somewhat unmanaged.