No Loreen tonight, so BOO! to that. Instead we start with a not unenjoyable orchestral dance-off, won for me by the six foot tall supermodel man (hello cheekbones), who accessorises his dance moves with a slick ponytail and a fierce ability to vogue vogue vogue vogue. Dancing done, Petra hath returned, showing off again that she’s been entrusted to run this ship alone (more likely, no-one could stomach being her co-host). She’s wearing several dresses in one – Dynasty shoulder pads, halterneck bathing suit, gold encrusted flamenco mullet skirt, evening gloves and Clarks high heels. It’s a look. But not a good one.
Lativa
“Here we gooooo” yell this cheesesome twosome, all teeth, military glitter suits and 50% balding Mohican. They then launch into Euro-rapping, causing their jackets to gape open and reveal bare chests void of hair or muscle definition. At least they’re giving it their all – inspired no doubt by the on-stage presence of key-tar (POINTS!) and, its unlikely modern day cousin, the iPad-tar (MORE POINTS!). Things close with the non-mohawk member leaping off the stage to crowdsurf; barely staying aloft, as a thousand Eurogays shun catching him in favour of ENSUING THEY ARE SEEN BY THE CAMERAS. I think prefer the Health and Safety conscious rehearsal version (2.35).
San Marino
San Marino were truly robbed last year, when Europe denied their catchily-titled and 100% crazeballs ‘Social Network Song’ a place in the final. This year, they’ve gone both epid ballad AND high NRG Eurodance, in the hope a 'buy one get one free' nod to classic Eurovij will ensure they’re treated with more respect by the big boys. Once again, the San Marino fancy dress shop is doing all it can to lend support: loaning them the finest Red Riding Hood Vampire Robes and Mystic San Marina’s psychic glowball.
FYR Macedonia
Sometimes channelling national cultural pride (AKA ‘going eff-nik’) can work a treat. Sometimes it’s just the Macedonian Camila Batmanghelidjh wailing a lot. At least Skopje’s scarlet fabric factory will have had a profitable year - it will have taken quite a lot of thread to create that particular lady in red look.
Azerbaijan
Ah Azerbaijan – why sort out your human rights record when the steely-eyed ambition of going ALL OUT to win Eurovision is so much more fun? Mind you, this year they seem to be combining the two – hence imprisoning their dancer in a glass box, spider-under-beaker-style. (That’ll be the last time he’ll try and vote for Armenia.) It is frighteningly impressive though – box man stands on his head with no hands, has totally perfected quality air microphone work and even brings out everyone’s favourite eighties move: ‘sliding down the wall to sitting position in grief’, as the key change rings out. Grudging respect.
Finland
What starts out as a terrifying desperate hen rampage (wannabe Bridezilla in ankle snapping pink platforms screeching a ‘MARRY ME OR I KILL YOU’ proposal to her boyf over a jaunty pop princess beat) ends in POLITICAL TRIUMPH, as she closes out by lady-snogging her chief bridesmaid. Boom!
Malta
“His name is Jeremyyyy, working in IT,
Never questions why, he has always beeeeeeen,
An extra careful guy, sensitive and shyyyyy,
Risk assessment is his investment in a life of no surprise,
Till she walked into his liiiiiiiiiiiife…”
Dear God, does anyone care what happens next? DIDN’T THINK SO.
Bulgaria
Mulleted synchro-drumming!
Baseball cap wearing bagpiper!
GLOW IN THE DARK DRUMSTICKS!
Giant pancake headdress! (??!!!??)
Europe’s going to deny me this one in the final, aren’t they? You f*&^ers!
Iceland
A yawsome ballad!
Which drones on a lot!
Sung by a hunky munt Viking!
With perfect Jennifer Aniston hair!
Europe’s going to stick this one in the final, aren’t they? You f*&^ers.
Greece
Well, what I wasn’t expecting was six Greek men dressed as Karren Brady, led by Super Mario, blowing bugles and shouting “Alcohol is free! Alcohol is free!!” whilst their instruments light up. It’s fab, obviously – it’s GREEK EUROVISION! Though I can’t helping noting that in many other European countries, alcohol is not free, but is subject to a series of complex taxes and duties imposed by national parliament and collected by the relevant tax revenue office, which pay for things like hospitals, schools and nuclear weapons. (Just saying, like.)
Israel
The face of Jewish Nana Miskouri on the body of a pre-diet Kirstie Alley, clad in a jewel-encrusted wetsuit come ballgown with fishtail floor flaps, slit to the ample navel, wobbly cleavage ahoy... And you expect me to notice the song?
Armenia
Has the Eurovision stage ever been graced by double denim before? It’s pretty vanilla for something written by Black Sabbath (RRRAWK!), but at least it shows respect for the key change, and the lead singer has a nice D'Artagnan goatie. Shame that the main repeated lyric is “We can stop it” yet there’s no attempt to make good on that promise.
Hungary
Hark! Tis the soundtrack to every clinically sentimental ad about the latest piece of overpriced tech fresh out of Palo Alto, populated by cool (but not so cool as to be intimidating) and pretty (but not so pretty as to be intimidating) young geeky dudes in beanie hats and their quirky lady friends in floral skirts and hobnail boots. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting NHS specs to be a Eurovision theme, but there you go. Not quite as exciting as pirates though, is it?
Norway
Terribly cool electro pop, all moody strings and futuristic synth beats, performed by a very slinky young blonde thing in a rib-crushingly tight white PVC dress, highlighting what I believe is known as ‘Pippa Arse’. The recorded version of the song is rather good but I was underwhelmed by the performance – mind you, it’s hard to dance (and breathe) when you’re encased the tightest plastic known to Scandiweigia. How she got on stage is quite beyond me. Possibly the Ukrainian giant stepped in. He seems nice enough.
Albania
To be honest, this won me over before it even began, when Ana Matronic revealed that one of them was in a group called ‘The Sexy Very Much Band’. That is winner! But also, it transpires, highly misleading, as the performance itself revealed aging rockers with awful haircuts (backwards wig versus limp centre parting) and more NHS specs – but why let less than conventionally attractive looks get in the way of testosterone-fuelled kettle drumming and a guitar ejaculating fire?
Georgia
The love duet is clearly out of fashion this year – but that hasn’t stopped Georgia from going for it, along with every other Eurovij power ballad staple: black suit for him, white evening dress and push-up bra for her; starting back to back before turning and gazing lovingly into each other eyes; smouldering looks and balletic arms reaching for the audience; references to dreams, love, waterfalls and sailing; mass ‘harmonised’ wailing; a laboured key change and climatic smoke explosions.
Switzerland
Mein Gott, I’m not sure I can take the sheer spectacle, glitz and excitement of six musicians standing in a line wearing matching white shirts and jeans – though their double-bassist is 95 years old, so I guess there is some sense of suspense. Still awful though. Not even Swiss Meryl Streep on the marching drum can save this – though I would like to see her leading this year’s many Euro-drummers in a big old mass banging. OF THEIR DRUMS. Sheesh! With any luck, that will be part of the interval entertainment...
Romania
Best til last, I think. It's only Drag Vampire Opera time! I love this guy – willing to sacrifice his testicles to reach the notes only dogs can hear, in a sequined jacket Cruella de Vil and Hilary Devey would fight to the nail to get their hands on. Sure, we’ve seen massive underskirt crane action already this Eurovision, elevating the wearer high into the arena, but I’m sorry Moldova – the giant skirt billow and hoist is just no good if it’s not matched with diva-esque man-soprano using his frock to wrangle red men in pants, dancing with their Bucharests on show, all over a disco beat. Extraordinary.
And that's that! Time, gentlemen, please – voting is go! But who’s off to the final and who’s off home in a giant Euro-strop?
LET'S DO DISS!
So... our finalists are: Hungary (Google ad!); Azerbaijan (glass prison!); Georgia (smoke duet!); Romania (camp-ire opera!); Norway (Pippa arse!); Iceland (Jennifer Aniston-son!); Armenia (double denim!); Finland (bridal lady snogs!); Malta (look at my fucking orange trousers!); Greece (FREE BOOZE!)
Frankly, Bulgaria woz robbed! But some crackers through for the Final. I fear for the Big Five - does Europe really love Bonnie that much? Mind you, Cascada! I'd love to see Romania nab it, but Denmark have got this in the bag, no? Surely.
Surely?
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