Good
evening Malmö! Look, there's the bridge from 'The Bridge'! Time to kick off with a
bunch of Euphoria covers in musical styles from all of Europe (well a few Eastie strings, an oompah band and some Israeli techno),
before a scarlet-clad Loreen appears before us
(ahh-ahh-ahhhhh), walking through a crowd of serious Swedish
children, throwing out a few wails and generally being awesome. She's still the
coolest woman to have ever graced the Eurovision stage and she still
hasn't brushed her Winkleman hair - I'm fairly sure the two facts
are intimately connected.
Compère
duties have been passed to a Scandi Bacofoil mermaid quoting Orson
Wells and thanking Baku for not openly imprisoning any contestants
last year. She's also insisting on pronouncing it 'Malmurgh'. Whö
knew? Sorry, whoeurgh knerugh?
Last year, I was one
of the few who enjoyed Sara Cox's inebriated approach to Eurovij
presenting, but BBC3 have given Ana Matronic the mic for 2013,
which should be brilliant – there's a woman who knows how to wrangle
gays and throw a kiki. So everyone ready? Primed for key changes,
wind-machines and the power of music? (HAHAHAHA!) Well, then it's
time to BEGIN!
Austria
Metallic jeans and
perms are so 'now', don't you think? ("NO" screams THE WORLD.) Oh Austria, are you sure an offensively inoffensive
forgettable rock ballad is your best bet? I know the Trackshittaz didn't really work out last year but 'Fucky Mit Deim Popo' has nonetheless carved out a firm place on every sarcastic, cut'n'paste Eurovision doc from here til eternity. What did this have? A key change and
a xylophone solo. Purlease. Next!
Estonia
SHE'S PREGGERS!
Points for that, RIGHT OFF! Although I am highly disappointed they
didn't make a feature of the bump and instead put an extremely svelte
mum-to-be in a billowing white triangle tent dress, whilst pumping out floor fog, lest we get upset by rounded belly and mild swollen ankle.
(What a missed opportunity for a Neneh Cherry tribute.) Anyway, extra
points for singing in her native language, even if was a wailing old
dud of a song.
Slovenia
Ahh,
sanitised industrial house from a soccer mom attempting edgy-sexy. She may be poured into leather leggings and a scaly
top, but she's wearing PEPLUM. That's what Britain is currently wearing to
the OFFICE. Soccer mom's backing dancers are doing their best, but I'm
strangely unconvinced by a choreographic style that incorporates
'masked totem pole wavy arms' and 'lying on the floor not quite able
to do the worm'. It should be my bag, but they just can't smother the wholesome. More filth please Europe.
Croatia
Turns
out David Miliband didn't go to New York after resigning from
parliament, but went to Croatia to join a klapa supergroup (as in
Dalmatian choral singing - but you knew that, right?). No Cruella or puppies (boo), as the klapa uniform is more musketeer meets matador - which sounds
like it should score rather high on the sexy fancy dress scale, but... well,
it doesn't really. Think Welsh male voice choir... only there are
six of them. And they're Croatian.
Denmark
Bookies
and fans' favourite – and if her Scandi un-brushed-hair-ness and
bare feet are anything to go by, she's on to a copycat winner... Ok,
I can sense a subtle ethno-pop background (probably not native to
Denmark) and some penny whistle action (again...). Oh hello military drummers
- I see things *are* hotting up at
uniformdating.com. Songwise, the lyrics make no logical sense –
the answer to the question “how many times can we get it right?”
is apparently “only teardrops” (hmmkay), but it's catchy.
I've decided I like it! But I'll be honest – I was hoping for a
Sarah Lund jumper.
Russia
It
doesn't really matter what guff Russia put out – they'll make the final. So why shouldn't they go for a lacy-sleeved peachy bridesmaid doing a seventies throwback number about peace - to apparently be achieved by burying
guns in your back garden and holding hands, or something. There is one nod to modernity - throwing two glowballs into the
audience. Anyway, see you top of the leader-board. *sigh*
Ukraine
Come
on Ukraine – you know the stakes are high, what with your back
catalogue... and MMMMM YES, AN ACTUAL GIANT IN TARTAN CARRYING THE
NEW RUSLANA AND PLACING HER ON A ROCK BEFORE SHE LIFTS THE MICROPHONE
AND... hang on... what fresh hell is this? A slow number?!!
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooetc. Fortunately, it picks up a little
and turns into quite a strange, but oddly catchy syncopated number, which – much like that giant (heh) – grew on
me. It's no Wild Dances, but I can work with this.
Netherlands
Hang
on, I know this chick! She did a cracking rock song called Nobody's Wife in the nineties, which was well angry and well fem-angsty and well worth a re-listen... No idea if Anouk has since married, but she's turned up with a
beautifully-sung, whimsical, emotional, waltzy... well... dirge. About birds.
Montenegro
Another
year where Montenegro decide to eschew melody in favour of monotone,
arrhythmic mumble-talking, but this time THEY'RE SPACEMEN! And in case we weren't convinced by
the astronaut theme (hint: WE ARE), they've got a sexy lady alien,
wearing wings, heels borrowed from the Ukrainian giant and some bits
of perspex and plastic glued to her head, pretending to be super
futuristic Google glasses.
Lithuania
I
can't tell if this is an ageing back row boyband-er or an
acceptable-looking accountant they whacked a vest and leather jacket
on to. Either way, this is getting heavy rotation at drive-time on
Middle of the Road FM – it's the essence of boring Dad rock. BUT!
It does have a wonderful lost in translation twist in the lyrics, which
go: “...because of the shoes...” (pause for effect) “...I'm wearing
today...” (pause again) “...one is called 'love'...” (pausey-pause),
“...the other is 'pain'.” *applause*
Belarus
Zumba time! Strictly
Come Belarus! But it's like Strictly Week 1, when the
celebrity contestants have suddenly realised they're going to have to
perform a completely under-rehearsed salsa routine to millions of
people in nothing but a skimpy fringed bathing suit and fake tan, and what seemed like a fantastic promotional career move is probably
going to turn out to be their Most Humiliating Professional Moment
Ever. Sure, Belarus lady isn't quite that amateur, but she is total
mahogany – in both skin tone and movement. Either way, she's fully committed to the rhythm of her cha cha.
Moldova
I
was all like, meh, yeah, sure she has a big ginger quiff and red
glow-in-the-dark ball dress, but I'm not sure it's really worth the
effort, what with all that caterwauling, unless of course she's got
something hiding under her massive skirt, and lo! A crane! Which lifts her up
several metres, whilst stock footage gets projected on to her skyscraper outfit.
It's good! Though not so good that I'm willing to suffer the song
again.
Ireland
Whatever
Ireland - this isn't Jedward. I
don't care how many topless bodhrán
players you throw at me. (Three. Oiled.)
Cyprus
Woah! Beee-YEW-ti-ful laydee – in a naked lace dress. Well, it is a
tried and tested method, and at least this gown is 'tastefully'
floor-length, but shamelessly going for the hetero male vote is
highly risky, as Dads won't get dragged in to watch 'against their
will' (ha!) until the final...
Belgium
Oh
dear - a gormless man-child who doesn't have quite have enough bouffe for the full Belieber comb-over, and a song that's
a forgettable non-entity (ah Belgium). They've tried to spice things
up by hiring two REALLY AGGRESSIVE backing dancers, contractually
obliged to spend part of the song feeling Justin Belgium up through the medium of dance - you won't be surprised to hear that it wasn't entirely successful.
Serbia
What the CRAP is this? (Other than super sinister.) So we have three stroppy teenage girls dressed as
circus ringmaster rag dolls, one in her pants, singing about... well it's hard to tell, possibly Serbian Rachel Berry and Serbian Santana from Glee are trying to cheer up (or sex up?) grumpy Serbian
Katniss Everdene, but competitively. ??? IT'S SO WEIRD. There's a
bit of face stroking and pelvic grinding, before the three of them
burst into the chorus and some lipstick lesbian subtext. I tell you now, Tatu would be pretty unimpressed. Mainly at the singing.
And,
with that, we are done! ALREADY? Yes. Not a bad old semi. But can Europe
be trusted to select the ten best for the final? (I doubt it.)
Quick
interlude whilst we try and work out if Bonnie's been drinking and
what her hair is made of (it's anyone's guess - unless that guess is 'actual hair'), before Ana Matronic basically offers to take
her place on stage (PLEASE!), then it's time.
HERE WE GO!
So.... our finalists are: Moldova
(crane dress!); Lithuania (shoes with names!); Ireland (not
Jedward); Estonia (preggers!); Belarus (fringy cha cha!); Denmark
(bookies fav!); Russia (peach bridesmaid!); Belgium (Bieber!); Ukraine
(giant!) and Netherlands (bird dirge!).
Oi oi!
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