Malmö 2013 - Semi final #2

No Loreen tonight, so BOO! to that.  Instead we start with a not unenjoyable orchestral dance-off, won for me by the six foot tall supermodel man (hello cheekbones), who accessorises his dance moves with a slick ponytail and a fierce ability to vogue vogue vogue vogue.  Dancing done, Petra hath returned, showing off again that she’s been entrusted to run this ship alone (more likely, no-one could stomach being her co-host).  She’s wearing several dresses in one – Dynasty shoulder pads, halterneck bathing suit, gold encrusted flamenco mullet skirt, evening gloves and Clarks high heels.  It’s a look.  But not a good one.

Lativa

“Here we gooooo” yell this cheesesome twosome, all teeth, military glitter suits and 50% balding Mohican.  They then launch into Euro-rapping, causing their jackets to gape open and reveal bare chests void of hair or muscle definition.  At least they’re giving it their all – inspired no doubt by the on-stage presence of key-tar (POINTS!) and, its unlikely modern day cousin, the iPad-tar (MORE POINTS!). Things close with the non-mohawk member leaping off the stage to crowdsurf; barely staying aloft, as a thousand Eurogays shun catching him in favour of ENSUING THEY ARE SEEN BY THE CAMERAS.  I think prefer the Health and Safety conscious rehearsal version (2.35).

San Marino

San Marino were truly robbed last year, when Europe denied their catchily-titled and 100% crazeballs ‘Social Network Song’ a place in the final.  This year, they’ve gone both epid ballad AND high NRG Eurodance, in the hope a 'buy one get one free' nod to classic Eurovij will ensure they’re treated with more respect by the big boys.  Once again, the San Marino fancy dress shop is doing all it can to lend support: loaning them the finest Red Riding Hood Vampire Robes and Mystic San Marina’s psychic glowball.

FYR Macedonia

Sometimes channelling national cultural pride (AKA ‘going eff-nik’) can work a treat.  Sometimes it’s just the Macedonian Camila Batmanghelidjh wailing a lot.  At least Skopje’s scarlet fabric factory will have had a profitable year - it will have taken quite a lot of thread to create that particular lady in red look.

Azerbaijan

Ah Azerbaijan – why sort out your human rights record when the steely-eyed ambition of going ALL OUT to win Eurovision is so much more fun?  Mind you, this year they seem to be combining the two – hence imprisoning their dancer in a glass box, spider-under-beaker-style. (That’ll be the last time he’ll try and vote for Armenia.)  It is frighteningly impressive though – box man stands on his head with no hands, has totally perfected quality air microphone work and even brings out everyone’s favourite eighties move: ‘sliding down the wall to sitting position in grief’, as the key change rings out.   Grudging respect.

Finland

What starts out as a terrifying desperate hen rampage (wannabe Bridezilla in ankle snapping pink platforms screeching a ‘MARRY ME OR I KILL YOU’ proposal to her boyf over a jaunty pop princess beat) ends in POLITICAL TRIUMPH, as she closes out by lady-snogging her chief bridesmaid.  Boom!

Malta

“His name is Jeremyyyy, working in IT,

Never questions why, he has always beeeeeeen,

An extra careful guy, sensitive and shyyyyy,

Risk assessment is his investment in a life of no surprise,

Till she walked into his liiiiiiiiiiiife…”

Dear God, does anyone care what happens next?  DIDN’T THINK SO.

Bulgaria

Mulleted synchro-drumming!

Baseball cap wearing bagpiper!

GLOW IN THE DARK DRUMSTICKS!

Giant pancake headdress! (??!!!??)

Europe’s going to deny me this one in the final, aren’t they?  You f*&^ers!

Iceland

A yawsome ballad!

Which drones on a lot!

Sung by a hunky munt Viking!

With perfect Jennifer Aniston hair!

Europe’s going to stick this one in the final, aren’t they?  You f*&^ers.

Greece
Well, what I wasn’t expecting was six Greek men dressed as Karren Brady, led by Super Mario, blowing bugles and shouting “Alcohol is free! Alcohol is free!!” whilst their instruments light up.  It’s fab, obviously – it’s GREEK EUROVISION!  Though I can’t helping noting that in many other European countries, alcohol is not free, but is subject to a series of complex taxes and duties imposed by national parliament and collected by the relevant tax revenue office, which pay for things like hospitals, schools and nuclear weapons.  (Just saying, like.)

Israel

The face of Jewish Nana Miskouri on the body of a pre-diet Kirstie Alley, clad in a jewel-encrusted wetsuit come ballgown with fishtail floor flaps, slit to the ample navel, wobbly cleavage ahoy...  And you expect me to notice the song?

Armenia

Has the Eurovision stage ever been graced by double denim before?  It’s pretty vanilla for something written by Black Sabbath (RRRAWK!), but at least it shows respect for the key change, and the lead singer has a nice D'Artagnan goatie.  Shame that the main repeated lyric is “We can stop it” yet there’s no attempt to make good on that promise.

Hungary

Hark! Tis the soundtrack to every clinically sentimental ad about the latest piece of overpriced tech fresh out of Palo Alto, populated by cool (but not so cool as to be intimidating) and pretty (but not so pretty as to be intimidating) young geeky dudes in beanie hats and their quirky lady friends in floral skirts and hobnail boots.  I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting NHS specs to be a Eurovision theme, but there you go.  Not quite as exciting as pirates though, is it?

Norway

Terribly cool electro pop, all moody strings and futuristic synth beats, performed by a very slinky young blonde thing in a rib-crushingly tight white PVC dress, highlighting what I believe is known as ‘Pippa Arse’.  The recorded version of the song is rather good but I was underwhelmed by the performance – mind you, it’s hard to dance (and breathe) when you’re encased the tightest plastic known to Scandiweigia.  How she got on stage is quite beyond me.  Possibly the Ukrainian giant stepped in.  He seems nice enough.

Albania

To be honest, this won me over before it even began, when Ana Matronic revealed that one of them was in a group called ‘The Sexy Very Much Band’. That is winner!  But also, it transpires, highly misleading, as the performance itself revealed aging rockers with awful haircuts (backwards wig versus limp centre parting) and more NHS specs – but why let less than conventionally attractive looks get in the way of testosterone-fuelled kettle drumming and a guitar ejaculating fire?

Georgia

The love duet is clearly out of fashion this year – but that hasn’t stopped Georgia from going for it, along with every other Eurovij power ballad staple: black suit for him, white evening dress and push-up bra for her; starting back to back before turning and gazing lovingly into each other eyes; smouldering looks and balletic arms reaching for the audience; references to dreams, love, waterfalls and sailing; mass ‘harmonised’ wailing; a laboured key change and climatic smoke explosions.

Switzerland

Mein Gott, I’m not sure I can take the sheer spectacle, glitz and excitement of six musicians standing in a line wearing matching white shirts and jeans – though their double-bassist is 95 years old, so I guess there is some sense of suspense.  Still awful though.  Not even Swiss Meryl Streep on the marching drum can save this – though I would like to see her leading this year’s many Euro-drummers in a big old mass banging.  OF THEIR DRUMS.  Sheesh!  With any luck, that will be part of the interval entertainment...

Romania

Best til last, I think.  It's only Drag Vampire Opera time!  I love this guy – willing to sacrifice his testicles to reach the notes only dogs can hear, in a sequined jacket Cruella de Vil and Hilary Devey would fight to the nail to get their hands on.  Sure, we’ve seen massive underskirt crane action already this Eurovision, elevating the wearer high into the arena, but I’m sorry Moldova – the giant skirt billow and hoist is just no good if it’s not matched with diva-esque man-soprano using his frock to wrangle red men in pants, dancing with their Bucharests on show, all over a disco beat.  Extraordinary.

And that's that!  Time, gentlemen, please – voting is go!  But who’s off to the final and who’s off home in a giant Euro-strop?

LET'S DO DISS!

So... our finalists are: Hungary (Google ad!); Azerbaijan (glass prison!); Georgia (smoke duet!); Romania (camp-ire opera!); Norway (Pippa arse!); Iceland (Jennifer Aniston-son!); Armenia (double denim!); Finland (bridal lady snogs!); Malta (look at my fucking orange trousers!); Greece (FREE BOOZE!)

Frankly, Bulgaria woz robbed!  But some crackers through for the Final.  I fear for the Big Five - does Europe really love Bonnie that much?  Mind you, Cascada!  I'd love to see Romania nab it, but Denmark have got this in the bag, no?  Surely. 

Surely?

Malmö 2013 - Semi final #1

Good evening Malmö!  Look, there's the bridge from 'The Bridge'!  Time to kick off with a bunch of Euphoria covers in musical styles from all of Europe (well a few Eastie strings, an oompah band and some Israeli techno), before a scarlet-clad Loreen appears before us (ahh-ahh-ahhhhh), walking through a crowd of serious Swedish children, throwing out a few wails and generally being awesome. She's still the coolest woman to have ever graced the Eurovision stage and she still hasn't brushed her Winkleman hair - I'm fairly sure the two facts are intimately connected.

Compère duties have been passed to a Scandi Bacofoil mermaid quoting Orson Wells and thanking Baku for not openly imprisoning any contestants last year. She's also insisting on pronouncing it 'Malmurgh'.  Whö knew?  Sorry, whoeurgh knerugh?

Last year, I was one of the few who enjoyed Sara Cox's inebriated approach to Eurovij presenting, but BBC3 have given Ana Matronic the mic for 2013, which should be brilliant – there's a woman who knows how to wrangle gays and throw a kiki.   So everyone ready? Primed for key changes, wind-machines and the power of music? (HAHAHAHA!)  Well, then it's time to BEGIN!

Austria

Metallic jeans and perms are so 'now', don't you think? ("NO" screams THE WORLD.) Oh Austria, are you sure an offensively inoffensive forgettable rock ballad is your best bet? I know the Trackshittaz didn't really work out last year but 'Fucky Mit Deim Popo' has nonetheless carved out a firm place on every sarcastic, cut'n'paste Eurovision doc from here til eternity.  What did this have?  A key change and a xylophone solo.  Purlease.  Next!

Estonia

SHE'S PREGGERS! Points for that, RIGHT OFF! Although I am highly disappointed they didn't make a feature of the bump and instead put an extremely svelte mum-to-be in a billowing white triangle tent dress, whilst pumping out floor fog, lest we get upset by rounded belly and mild swollen ankle. (What a missed opportunity for a Neneh Cherry tribute.) Anyway, extra points for singing in her native language, even if was a wailing old dud of a song.

Slovenia

Ahh, sanitised industrial house from a soccer mom attempting edgy-sexy.  She may be poured into leather leggings and a scaly top, but she's wearing PEPLUM.  That's what Britain is currently wearing to the OFFICE.  Soccer mom's backing dancers are doing their best, but I'm strangely unconvinced by a choreographic style that incorporates 'masked totem pole wavy arms' and 'lying on the floor not quite able to do the worm'. It should be my bag, but they just can't smother the wholesome.   More filth please Europe.

Croatia

Turns out David Miliband didn't go to New York after resigning from parliament, but went to Croatia to join a klapa supergroup (as in Dalmatian choral singing - but you knew that, right?).  No Cruella or puppies (boo), as the klapa uniform is more musketeer meets matador - which sounds like it should score rather high on the sexy fancy dress scale, but... well, it doesn't really.  Think Welsh male voice choir... only there are six of them.  And they're Croatian.

Denmark

Bookies and fans' favourite – and if her Scandi un-brushed-hair-ness and bare feet are anything to go by, she's on to a copycat winner... Ok, I can sense a subtle ethno-pop background (probably not native to Denmark) and some penny whistle action (again...).   Oh hello military drummers - I see things *are* hotting up at uniformdating.com.  Songwise, the lyrics make no logical sense – the answer to the question “how many times can we get it right?” is apparently “only teardrops” (hmmkay), but it's catchy. I've decided I like it! But I'll be honest – I was hoping for a Sarah Lund jumper.

Russia

It doesn't really matter what guff Russia put out – they'll make the final.  So why shouldn't they go for a lacy-sleeved peachy bridesmaid doing a seventies throwback number about peace - to apparently be achieved by burying guns in your back garden and holding hands, or something.  There is one nod to modernity - throwing two glowballs into the audience.  Anyway, see you top of the leader-board. *sigh*

Ukraine

Come on Ukraine – you know the stakes are high, what with your back catalogue... and MMMMM YES, AN ACTUAL GIANT IN TARTAN CARRYING THE NEW RUSLANA AND PLACING HER ON A ROCK BEFORE SHE LIFTS THE MICROPHONE AND... hang on... what fresh hell is this? A slow number?!! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooetc. Fortunately, it picks up a little and turns into quite a strange, but oddly catchy syncopated number, which – much like that giant (heh) – grew on me. It's no Wild Dances, but I can work with this.

Netherlands

Hang on, I know this chick! She did a cracking rock song called Nobody's Wife in the nineties, which was well angry and well fem-angsty and well worth a re-listen...  No idea if Anouk has since married, but she's turned up with a beautifully-sung, whimsical, emotional, waltzy... well... dirge. About birds.

Montenegro

Another year where Montenegro decide to eschew melody in favour of monotone, arrhythmic mumble-talking, but this time THEY'RE SPACEMEN! And in case we weren't convinced by the astronaut theme (hint: WE ARE), they've got a sexy lady alien, wearing wings, heels borrowed from the Ukrainian giant and some bits of perspex and plastic glued to her head, pretending to be super futuristic Google glasses.

Lithuania

I can't tell if this is an ageing back row boyband-er or an acceptable-looking accountant they whacked a vest and leather jacket on to. Either way, this is getting heavy rotation at drive-time on Middle of the Road FM – it's the essence of boring Dad rock. BUT! It does have a wonderful lost in translation twist in the lyrics, which go: “...because of the shoes...” (pause for effect) “...I'm wearing today...” (pause again) “...one is called 'love'...” (pausey-pause), “...the other is 'pain'.” *applause*

Belarus

Zumba time! Strictly Come Belarus! But it's like Strictly Week 1, when the celebrity contestants have suddenly realised they're going to have to perform a completely under-rehearsed salsa routine to millions of people in nothing but a skimpy fringed bathing suit and fake tan, and what seemed like a fantastic promotional career move is probably going to turn out to be their Most Humiliating Professional Moment Ever.  Sure, Belarus lady isn't quite that amateur, but she is total mahogany – in both skin tone and movement.  Either way, she's fully committed to the rhythm of her cha cha.

Moldova

I was all like, meh, yeah, sure she has a big ginger quiff and red glow-in-the-dark ball dress, but I'm not sure it's really worth the effort, what with all that caterwauling, unless of course she's got something hiding under her massive skirt, and lo! A crane! Which lifts her up several metres, whilst stock footage gets projected on to her skyscraper outfit. It's good! Though not so good that I'm willing to suffer the song again.

Ireland

Whatever Ireland - this isn't Jedward. I don't care how many topless bodhrán players you throw at me. (Three. Oiled.)

Cyprus

Woah! Beee-YEW-ti-ful laydee – in a naked lace dress. Well, it is a tried and tested method, and at least this gown is 'tastefully' floor-length, but shamelessly going for the hetero male vote is highly risky, as Dads won't get dragged in to watch 'against their will' (ha!) until the final...

Belgium

Oh dear - a gormless man-child who doesn't have quite have enough bouffe for the full Belieber comb-over, and a song that's a forgettable non-entity (ah Belgium). They've tried to spice things up by hiring two REALLY AGGRESSIVE backing dancers, contractually obliged to spend part of the song feeling Justin Belgium up through the medium of dance - you won't be surprised to hear that it wasn't entirely successful.

Serbia

What the CRAP is this?  (Other than super sinister.)  So we have three stroppy teenage girls dressed as circus ringmaster rag dolls, one in her pants, singing about... well it's hard to tell,  possibly Serbian Rachel Berry and Serbian Santana from Glee are trying to cheer up (or sex up?) grumpy Serbian Katniss Everdene, but competitively.  ???  IT'S SO WEIRD.  There's a bit of face stroking and pelvic grinding, before the three of them burst into the chorus and some lipstick lesbian subtext.  I tell you now, Tatu would be pretty unimpressed.  Mainly at the singing.

And, with that, we are done!  ALREADY?  Yes.  Not a bad old semi.  But can Europe be trusted to select the ten best for the final?  (I doubt it.) 

Quick interlude whilst we try and work out if Bonnie's been drinking and what her hair is made of (it's anyone's guess - unless that guess is 'actual hair'), before Ana Matronic basically offers to take her place on stage (PLEASE!), then it's time.

HERE WE GO!

So.... our finalists are: Moldova (crane dress!); Lithuania (shoes with names!); Ireland (not Jedward); Estonia (preggers!); Belarus (fringy cha cha!); Denmark (bookies fav!); Russia (peach bridesmaid!); Belgium (Bieber!); Ukraine (giant!) and Netherlands (bird dirge!).

Oi oi!

'Euphoria' by Loreen (Sweden 2012)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites


Best. Eurovision song. Ever.  

And that is all I have to say.

Jan Delay - Interval act (Düsseldorf 2011)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time* favourites



Yes, it’s German funk-hop.  Yes, he actually uses the phrase ‘Jan Delay, in da haus’.  And yes, we were only up and dancing because I felt sorry for the German fans next to me trying to enjoy the performance even though the stadium was half-empty, while seasoned Eurogays hurriedly used the non-contest part of the show to rush the bar, the loos, each other.  BUT!  But, but, but, a) it’s actually very catchy, b) he’s a good performer despite his ‘stupid hat, stupid suit, stupid rubbery dance moves' schtick.

And, oh yeah, c) *this is when we made the telly.  Dancing.  In front of 170 million viewers. 

 

So you know...

 

Clue: we are not the portly gentleman in the Union Jack suit and lacy sleeves.

'Satellite' by Lena (Germany 2010)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

"And I wore it just the other dai-yaii."

 

When someone whines on about how everyone hates the West and how the Easties always win and gang up and vote against us, well, point them in this direction.  The Big Five can absolutely win Eurovision if they choose to – and the way is quite simple: pick a properly catchy pop tune, sung by a beautiful zany crackpot, which makes overt reference to her knickers, and is sung in such a strange English accent that no-one can really tell where she comes from anyway.

 

My favourite thing about this performance (other than Lena's pronunciation of 'day') is how it's so uncharacteristically low-key and unpolished; it’s like Lena was bunking off school one day and ended up blagging her way to Oslo because she couldn’t be arsed with double-maths.  She’s clearly not bothered with all that Euro-glitz and has just opted for some shoplifted lipstick and a dress her mum brought her in the hope she wouldn’t wear ripped jeans on prom night.  Like, wass-ever, ja?  You get the sense that, at any moment, the whole thing could turn into an utter shambles – and Lena wouldn't give a Scheisse.  And for that, I say, wunderbar!

‘Playing with Fire’ by Paula Seling and Ovi (Romania 2010)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

Clearly not tinkling each others' ivories

Perhaps not an all-time favourite, but still a fav, mainly, because... well, as gimmicks go, frankly, ‘a perspex double piano that lights up when you play the notes’ is up there.  Not to mention the pleather catsuit action, operatic interlude and be-busselled Romanian backing dancers.  And even though Paula is at least billion times out of Ovi's weak-chinned league, the two of them utterly commit to the notion that they are totally doing it. 



Probably tinkling each others' ivories

Not that they're the first to flirt through the medium of piano duets – check out this faintly political ditty from '77, when the UK was too poor to win and *allegedly* attempted self-sabotage with ivory tinkling duo Lynsey de Paul and Mike Moran performing the lost ‘classic’ "Rock Bottom"  - pre-dating My Lovely Horse by 19 years, with this sure-fire, hilarious shocker, which was never going to win.  Rock Bottom?  It only went and came second. 

‘Is It True’ by Yohanna (Iceland 2009)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

 

Let's get ready to ruffle

2009 was a sterling year, really – as well as Anti-Crisis Girl Svetlana, we also saw Greek Eurovision stalwart Sakis Rouvas pelvic thrusting on a giant stapler, and, of course, sexy Norwegian fiddler Alexander Rybek, zooming to victory with his Fairytail violin riff - which remains firmly embedded Europe’s collective ears.  Alex absolutely smashed the scoring in Moscow, accumulating 387 points (trois cent quatre-vingt-sept points), miles away from his nearest rival, Iceland’s Yohanna, who came in second with 218 points (deux cent dix-huit points).  But I still LOVE this Icelandic entry, even though it is... *deep breath*... a ballad.  Yep, I'll admit it, sometimes (rarely), the slow ones get me too, and 'Is It True?' still tugs at my sentimental old heart strings. 

 

Probably, what gets me is the full-blown and utterly shameless Disneyisation going on (when it comes to cycnism, the Lion King is my Achilles Heel).   It's just complete chocolate box from start to end and has no desire whatsoever to reach for any grit or edge.  And it works - I’m sure little girls Europe-wide took one look at Yohanna’s outfit and were up and ready to eschew feminism, pull pigtails and kick shins with patent shoes to get their hands on a blue satin ballgown with sequin ornamental detail and ruffle galore.  And Yohanna’s so PREEETY.  And her lip gloss is so PERFECT.  And her hair is so SHINY.  *sigh*

 

Any other year, without the Rybek juggernaut, we’d have found ourselves heading to Reykjavik for a geyser old time - sure, Norway was a worthy winner, but we missed out on Bjork, dressed as an arctic fox, blowing up a volcano as the part-time entertainment.  Just think on that.

 

 

'Be My Valentine! (Anti-crisis Girl)' by Svetlana Loboda (Ukraine 2009)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

Anyone seen my Spartan?

Oh my God, I just LOVE this performance.   If you've not seen it before, then sit down and prepare yourself.  For what?  Well, for a supremely lithe cougar, all pout and no trousers, singing 'you're a sexy bom bom', whilst heavy breathing, gyrating in a giant hamster wheel, dry-humping centurions in their pants, flashing her own sequined knickers, which, incidentally, match her sequined thigh highs, and, well, generally giving it her absolute MILFy all.  And just when you don't think it can get anymore OTT, you notice it's beehived drag queens on stilts who are singing back-up and la Cougar has started bashing out a drum solo surrounded by Ukrainian flags, on a mini stage which the Spartans are dragging across the floor, as fire blazes in the background, Wonderbra still firmly in place.  She even has the energy to thank the crowd with a terrifying death stare and a subtext that screams 'VOTE FOR ME OR I VILL KILL YOU'.

It's AMAZING. It's KNACKERING. It was bloody robbed!

Annnnnnnnnd...

...WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

‘My Number One’ by Helena Paparizou (Greece 2005)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

Even in worrying times of financial austerity, Greece know how to bring it to Eurovision (OPA!), but thankfully they snuck in a win before everyone began worrying about the morality/necessity of paying tax and the affordability of hosting a high-profile international musical extravaganza. 

 

"You’re Delicious. So Capricious.
If I find out you don’t want me,
I’ll be vicious."

Sure, My Number 1 is Greek Eurovision by numbers - like, that’s a bad thing! – but when the hallmarks are tired and tested, long may they reign. 

To recap:
-  Sexy Greek lady with big voice & figure-skating outfit: check.

-  Dancing Adonii with open shirts & freshly waxed torsos: check.

- Ethno-pop instrumental break encompassing:

  (a) Big Fat Greek Wedding line dancing: check.

  (b) a giant lute made of naked man and some ribbons: check. 


And of course, the ultimate high point - cue photo - recreating the song title through the power of floor mime!

(Frankly, every performance should involve four men forced to lie down in the shape of a 1 by a scary diva with a silver cane.)

Greece mustn’t win for a while, obviously, but if they lose their rightful place in the final, receiving 12 points from Cyprus, all hell will break loose, led by Helena Paparizou herself.  And I, people, will join that charge.

'Wild Dances' by Ruslana (Ukraine 2004)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites



Whips at the ready, boys.

My my Ruslana, what PIPES you have – by which I refer to both her impressive yodels and her musicians’ very long instruments.  Ahem.  As for the rest, well... Whips!   Furs!  Leather bikinis!  And, of course, TOTAL CHOON.  Quite simply, a masterclass in what modern Eurovision should be offering up, year in, year out.  (The fact that Terry sounds unconvinced just reinforces that – though he admits he's only just started drinking, so...)

 

It is of no importance that most of the lyrics make no discernible sense to either English or (I assume) Ukrainian speakers - what counts is that the whole of Europe can manage "dine-ah, dine-ah mumble mumble LOVE, dine-ah, dine-ah mumble mumble CHANCES", whilst stamping and headbanging.  Course, no-one stamps or bangs more expertly than Ruslana herself, all leather-chainmail chic and Kiev’s glossiest hair.  No wonder it won.  And no wonder Olympic gold medallist Jordyn Wieber used it for her gymnastics floor routine.  (Gymnastics to Eurovision?!?  I KNOW.)

 

It’s just a brilliant, brilliant dance number and – until Loreen appeared – my all-time fav.  GO GO GO WILD DANCES!

 

Riverdance - Interval act (Dublin 1994)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

My blouse, how it billows.

No wonder Europe wanted Ireland to host it again in '95 – no-one has ever bettered this for half-time impact (not even Jan Delay, Düsseldorf 2011, whose mighty performance caused me to APPEAR ON THE TELLY – don't worry, that's totes getting its own blog post). Sure, Michael Flatley's mullet and satin blouse may appear (and indeed are) utterly ludicrous, but such was the power of Riverdance that, back then, the ridiculous sheen of blouse and blond were eclipsed by the proper amazing amazingness of the whole Riverdance performance. Yes, multiple flailing legs and a man/woman tap dance-off really can be that good. As impressive as the dancing was, it was Bill Whelan's music wot really cranked this up for me – such a CHOON. Almost as good as My Lovely Horse.

I just shed a little tear re-watching it, but I am slightly hungover. 

O'Mazeballs.

'Lonely Symphony (We Will Be Free)' by Frances Ruffelle (UK 1994)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

"And we will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee etc"

The UK songs rarely do it for me and the live performance was a little underwhelming for a blimmin' TONY winner, but here's a special mention for my favourite UK entry to date (sorry Scooch).  It's just a genuinely cracking pop song – clearly too sophij for Eurovij; tenth was a pretty terrible result for the UK at the time.  More importantly, I clearly remember craving Frances' slinky goth dress – maroon velvet was the effing bomb in the mid nineties – and I'm sure that her twisted coat-hanger crown was also on my list.  Obviously, I would have pared that outfit with some battered old Doc Martins. *nineties swoon*

It's also a classic example of how they used to make the singers appear in the preview vid (they SO should bring that back) and how, hosting the second time in a row, Irish TV were already running out of things to feature about the Emerald Isle – and they still had another year to go.  HA!

Anyway, enjoy - even though you'll have "and we will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" running in your head all day now.  ALL DAY.

'La chica que yo quiero (Made in Spain)' by La Decada Prodigiosa (Spain 1988)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites.

Puffball envy

Dublin 88.  Dion's year.  I was 9.  But it wasn't Celine's chef's tux and puffball that won it for me (mind you, what a voice! And what teeth...), but this here Spanish entry - following the tried, tested and ever continued Spanish tradition of utterly ignoring what the rest of Europe might be doing/want to hear in favour of a jangly Spanish summer pop number performed by the most Spanish looking people it is physically possible to find.   In 1988, they went Spanish Abba, and chico, did it work for me. Days after the contest, I was still rewinding and re-watching the video, over and over and over again, merrily performing my 'own' dance routine (i.e. totally copied off the telly) and joining in with the brief English bit - complete with cod Spanish accent: “the girl that I love, willhhh be MADE IN ESPAIN!”

Listening back, the whole thing is - of course - dire.  But who can deny the everlasting power of double puffball skirt and giant-fan-o-graphy? 

Fantastico.