Mamma mia, here we go again. I actually found SF1 a bit muted – is this an open year or one of limited quality? At least the results were joyfully incomprehensible, as if we’d have it any other way. Basically, it’s good news if you’re bringing the crazeballs, a girl bop danceathon or a absolute dirge wailfest.
So on that note, well done to
Serbia (bodystocking ballad), Portugal (white corset ballad), Slovenia (rags on
a rock ballad), Ukraine (epic choral cracker), Lithuania (hipster electro), Finland
(actual arse but I can’t deny it’s growing on me, SORRY), Cyprus (Britney-esque
teen pop), Croatia (folk nu-metal joy), Ireland (occult bikini sacrifice) and
Luxembourg (woman in bouncy pig-tales).
Bad luck and au
revoir to Poland (latex chess Gaga), Iceland (Huns Unite), Moldova (Botox
ballad), Azerbaijan (moustache?? ballad) and Australia - indeed g’bye to Oz most of all. It’s not a proper
European Song Competition without Australia on the stage.
And what do we
have in store tonight? Well, extensive use of anti-booing technology I suspect. Maybe you’ve missed the calls to boycott Malmö 2024 because of Israel’s participation, but they’ve
been coming from some quarters and it’s been much discussed by the fandom. Of course there’ll
be some who chose not to attend the contest this year, and I read of ticket sales
being down from fully sold out to a handful left. But for most a boycott simply means not turning
the telly on, so it will be interesting to see if the ratings are impacted. To me, the
boycott feels very online, whereas I suspect the Saturday night TV show sits firmly in the
mainstream, watched and enjoyed by those who somehow manage to get by without an Instagram account to put the world to rights.
Anyway, a silly little blog I churn out once a year for a handful of interested mates doesn’t feel like the place to get into (quoting a wise friend) “an utterly hopeless situation which will outlive us all”, but here’s a podcast on the for and against of a boycott, which I found really interesting. And here’s where you can donate to Medicins Sans Frontier or Save The Children.
Now then, shall
we do a seamless One Show pivot towards tonight’s performances?
Malta
Bodystockings a
go-go this year – in girl bop form here, with extra spangle, frantic dance
break and inexplicable blindfold interlude.
Albania
Can something be
anthemic but still extremely boring? Apparently so, despite the efforts of a
mirror ball cropped trouser suit. On a separate note, wow do the women of the Balkans like
an ouchy looking lip pump.
Greece
Little bit of
urban, little bit of ethno horn, little bit of RnB, little bit of metallic puffball skirt. The chorus "ta ta ta ta something something something" (all Greek to me) hasn't left my head. High hopes and very large girl crush over here.
Switzerland
Another genre
smash and another bookies' favourite – experimental stuff but not inaccessible. They've also done their Eurovision homework: the G0-A Fraggle Coat but in pink, the
hamster spinning wheel in disk form, the sad Swiss boy ballad but happy. It's opera,
it’s rap, it’s electro, it’s… really quite impressive.
Czechia
The
nineties/noughties cusp revival continues with some skater boi girl pop, with added Gen Z manifesting and severe fringe work.
France
Handsome man with
lungs so enorme he can stand a few metres away from the mic, whilst his shirt
billows, the smoke swirls and the chanson-francaise francaises. The juries are
gonna cream themselves.
Austria
I was an indie
kid in the nineties, but no amount of Britpop can scratch the nostalgic joy
itch like N-Trance’s Set You Free. There is no subtilty anywhere near their song, called We Will Rave. And we will do
exactly that, provided her vocals are up to the task (her metallic leotard
certainly is).
Denmark
The memo said “formalwear”
and the stylist wasn’t sure if that was gowns’n’gloves or corporate business attire
– so mixed both, in starchy white. The staging needed waaaay more to cut
through - you can’t be epic by staying in the Radio 2 lane. (That’s only half a
diss by the way - MOR pop has its place, unless it's the Lighthouse Family.)
Armenia
Sweet, catchy, folksy, national dress stuff. Or at least I assume so – it’s a Bollywood slash
Cherokee Nation and the main word association I have with “Armenia” is “The Kardashians”, which this... isn't.
Lativa
Moby meets
Imagine Dragons but without the toxic masculinity vibes.
Spain
Musically, this
is pure Sabrina/Sam Fox beach disco era, but the touch me boys boys sea sex and
sun message has also aged into its fifties and our bleach-haired cougar chanteuse is throwing
out some pointed references about a little something called Patriarchy. Get
your subtitles out for the lads.
San Marino
Manga sweet shop
bunny nightmare.
Georgia
Lamé and fire.
More dance breaks. At this point we're probably running out of girl bop themes, but I'm not sure we've had a tribute to the Fire Service before (sadly missed opportunity for helmet and hose-ography).
Belgium
“BEFORE THE
PARTY’S OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVERRRRRRRRRRR”. This has a screamable chant worthy
of Mr Brightside audience participation, but the song doesn’t get going until
the closing bars. Anticipation doesn’t really work if you’re not paying attention during the build up.
Estonia
Trad music group
and contemporary hip hop crew engage in a dance battle. The rap lot have youth
on their side, but the trad musicians are armed with sizeable wooden musical
instruments, including a box accordion. No-one wants to take one of those to the
head.
Italy
Impossibly cool
twenty-something (who is called Angelina Mango – MANGO! I stan!) struts around
singing “boredom boredom” over a beat and Spanish guitar. I appreciate that sounds shit, but this is one of my/the
favourites.
Israel
Emotive and rather tuneful ballad. But then so was Russia’s A Million Voices. I'll leave it there, I think, or here.
Norway
Shrieky goth-folk a la
Bjork, with a Courtney Love-esque black widow dress and an array of Norwegian
Sleeperblokes knocking around the back, truly our descent into the nineties is complete.
Netherlands
Novelty techno in
EU Blue shoulder-pads, golden mullet and imbecilic expression. It may sound
like a comedy Dutch rap listing the countries of Europe and their national
dishes, but there’s a whole therapy session about bereavement hidden in the
slapstick.
And there we go. Finito! Ten more through tonight, with Italy, France and Spain making it direct. Time to prep the snack tray, mes amis. See you on the other side.
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