2024 Speed preview – SF #1

And lo, it is that time. It's been a muted pre-season, with calls for a boycott, but here we are nonetheless. It's nearly time for Eurovision 2024, in Malmerughhhhhhhhhh. And who's fighting out Tuesday's semi? Well, not the UK, Germany and Sweden, who have paid/won their way direct to the Grand Final already, but are getting a chance to perform during the SFs this year (to see if there's any knock on effect to their fates come the weekend).  The others though are at the mercy of Europe's musical tastes. CONTENDERS READY!

Cyprus

Cyprus bringing out a lithe beauty doing high NRG girl pop and dance routine? Shocker.

Serbia

A break from Serbia’s trademark high concept performance art in favour of wind-bag dirge. (I think we can all agree this is a downgrade on a spa full of PVC nurses/monks clapping or Van Helsing and Spandau Ballet in The Matrix.)

 

Lithuania

Artsy lo-fi electro muzak. I couldn’t work out who the singer looked like, then realised it was the guy from the Wimbledon Hobbycraft Padam TikTok. (Appols to be so niche, but I’ve not much else to say here.)

Ireland

Whimsy witchy nightmare horror (75% screaming and fake contact lenses, 25% balletic musical theatre interludes).

UK

Distressed vest boxing match homoeroticism from a bona fide popstar. (Am just a bit worried about pre-Watershed scheduling/Ofcom's inbox. And the high notes.)

Ukraine

Overblown choral hip hop ode to Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary. Slava Ukraini! A triumph.

Poland

Inoffensive pop with Gaga-lite (even Gaga-lite-lite) performance vibes and one catchy hook which will crawl into your body like threadworms.

  

Croatia

Knitted balaclavas meets national dress meets nu-metal meets deliberately(?) bad lyrics meets cat memes. The bookies’ favourite.

Iceland

Eurovision Royalty in spangly you ok hun Mumpsuit. But even a veteran can’t lift this church hall aerobics soundtrack. (To be clear – that’s a diss on the song and not church hall aerobics – let’s grapevine, girls.)

Germany

Germany can be glad of the automatic qual given that Europe rarely votes for a beer-bellied young man with low charisma, however radio friendly and competently sung their offering might be.

Slovenia

Mother of Dragons bleach job does high-frequency wailing in a sheer body stocking and Victoria's Secret secret pants. There's either an orgy or a sacrifice going on here - possibly both.

Finland

Mullet man bares saggy bare arse whilst emerging from a giant egg. Song, circa Magaluf 95, is of similar ethos and quality. We’re a long way from Cha Cha Cha.

Moldova

Another downgrade from the usual trademark (of raucous horn and pipe rock from veterans in knitted hats), this time pivoting to white Shein prom dress, LED angel wings, operatic pipes and an e-violin. Pfff.

Sweden

ChatGPT neglected to spend much time on the lyrics, but “design an archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era”* has everything else you’d expect: grinding baseline, Olympic choreo and tried and tested laser show. But… plot-twist: performed by twins. (They seem delightful but I can't shake the ick.)

Azerbaijan

Wailing in a jumpsuit and... Actually, I retained nothing about this, other than he may or may not be sporting a moustache. So, in short, I retained nothing.

Australia

The budget went on a high-end milliner and a digeridoo, but there’s a catchy hook in there somewhere. I won’t begrudge lovely white sculpted headwear, or a large wooden tube/circular breathing.

 

Portugal

"We’re Portugal, of course we’re sending a young woman wailing in white, hints of fado, hipster and melancholy, who'll crash out in the semi final."

Luxembourg

My last interaction with the Grand Duchy’s music scene was Brian from Placebo. This, an actual woman in pig-tales forcing out a Frenglish spritely pop number over some ethnic piping isn’t *quite* what I was expecting. But welcome back anyway Le Luxembourg.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand that's your lot, with just ten who can go through to Saturday's final, excluding the auto-quals. It's 100% televote, so we must place our trust in the plebs of Europe, rather than the "music professionals'" who'll get to influence Saturday's final.  Pure TV viewership voting will benefit the jokey likes of Finland and Croatia, and make it a harder path for the big-voiced ballads. But so long as Ukraine make it (and they will), I don't really mind - though I'd be secretly pleased to see Hera from Iceland and her tasselled jumpsuit get through.

 

*And finally, for a laff, I  just asked ChatGPT to “describe an archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era”, and it said:

 

“An archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era often embodies a sleek and polished presentation, blending catchy pop melodies with impeccable stage production. Here's how it might unfold:

 

Song: The song would likely be an upbeat pop anthem with an infectious chorus that sticks in your head long after the performance ends. It would be expertly crafted to appeal to a broad international audience, with a mix of English and perhaps some Swedish lyrics for authenticity.

 

Performance: The performance would feature slick choreography, with perfectly synchronized dancers complementing the charismatic lead singer. The stage would be adorned with eye-catching visuals, possibly incorporating advanced lighting effects or LED screens to enhance the overall impact.

 

Costumes: The performers would be dressed in stylish yet understated outfits, showcasing Scandinavian chic with a modern twist. The costumes would be carefully coordinated to complement the song and the overall aesthetic of the performance.

 

Stage Presence: The lead singer would exude confidence and charm, effortlessly engaging the audience and conveying the emotion of the song. There would be a sense of professionalism and precision to the performance, reflecting Sweden's reputation for excellence in music and entertainment.

 

Catchiness: Above all, the song would be irresistibly catchy, inviting viewers to dance along and sing along from the very first listen. It would have that special quality that makes it stand out from the competition and leaves a lasting impression long after the Eurovision festivities are over.

 

Overall, an archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era would be a masterclass in pop music and entertainment, showcasing the best of Swedish talent and creativity on the international stage.”

 

So that's extremely accurate and terrifying. BRB, just going to feed the other nations into ChatGPT now. Here's hoping our tech overlords love Eurovision. A jeudi.