It's been two years guys, TWO YEARS. The cancellation of Rotterdam 2020 was the moment I started to begin to understand what a global pandemic might actually mean and even then I was some way off. What a time we’re living through, eh? What a flippin’ time. And yet, here we are – about to power up the trumpets and let Ode To Joy ring out.
It's a slightly different affair this year – reduced crowd, local and COVID tested, and there's the peril that, at any moment, one of our performers might start to feel throaty, sprint to their hotel room to shove a cotton bud up their nostril and be forced to self-isolate – swapping the big stage for tearful Insta stories and feeling justifiably sorry for themselves. But for semi final #1, all the acts, bar one, were present and correct. Well, as correct as you'd expect for Eurovision. And how correct is that? People of Europe - let's find out!
Lithuania
How else to open the show but with a stripped back, electro-number performed by a deep-voiced, loose-hipped gentleman in a natty yellow Hillary pantsuit, ably backed by band and dancemates, also in head to toe canary, doing a routine somewhere between finger puppetry, spin class, and Peter Crouch goal celebration. It's knowing and excellent and could not have been a better start to the show.
Did this make it? Taip, which Google tells me is yes in Lithuanian.
Are we surprised? It's a bloody strong field tonight, but it would have been a travesty to lose this.
Slovenia
Such is my good mood, I was well into this classic lady ballad, which instantly ticked off many EV staples: foreign language, key change, white suit, shoulder cape - even if it didn't go as hard on the wind machine as it clearly should. But in the spirit of Trinny and Susannah, I'm also going to gently suggest there would have been no harm in singer Ana - a slim lady, let me stress - going up a size on the trousers. There’s no greater 2021 fashion trend than the elasticated waist; we've all known the lure of the snack cupboard in lockdown, and no-one’s judging a stockpile anymore.
Did this make it? It did not.
Are we surprised? Maybe a smidgen. I'd not clocked it in previews, but I liked it way more than the usual ballad fare.
Russia
Russian Grannies Missy Elliot mash-up, if Missy were a charismatic young woman from Tajikistan. Singer Manizha performs most of this in a red boiler suit - more 2021 vibes; comfort über alles. But she’s not eschewed style and glam – she kicks off in a giant Russian doll outfit, spinning like a dalek and sporting a turban slash bow sufficiently large to remain airborne or please Esme from Sewing Bee. She gurn-shout-raps in Russian over a catchy industrial honky tonk brass hook, with a brief bypass through monastic wailing, inspirational Facebook slogans and Russian orthodox iconography. It slightly reminds me of The Great and is similarly well named.
Did this make it? Da!
Are we surprised? Not da! (I can't remember the Russian for no.)
Sweden
Slick and catchy tune with nice anthemic chorus, but this is phoned in by Swedish standards. Tussé, our smiley man singer, dons a scarlet kimono suit and fingerless evening gloves bedecked with gold palm leaves, which looks sensational and comfy. He seems an absolute delight, but his voice was highly iffy at times - the key change was a particular ouchie moment. A continent winced in unison – which can’t be good.
Did this make it? Oui monsieur. Tussé gets a second go at the vocals.
Are we surprised? I think this has sneaked in on Swedish reputation (even though Euphoria is nearly a decade old, what the fffff).
Australia
Australia had to pre-record this quirky pop performance and send a video tape to the organisers in one of those padded envelopes because somehow (SOMEHOW) travelling to Eurovision isn’t considered essential travel. (I know! Anyone got a Change.org account where we can take this up?) Songstress Montaigne must be well bummed not to be here - indeed let's all take a moment to reflect on a generation of lost Antipodeans who won’t experience the joys of communal living in Clapham, drinking at Walkabout and taking the Eurolines coach for some Amsterdamage. Montaigne is in PVC era Janet Jackson, with vajazzled face and shaved head with Crayola frosting. Performance-wise, let’s call it a tough sing – not helped by an awkward dance routine which involves some ungainly karate kicks and group high-fives. Just let this lovely baby adult sing her song in actual Europe, guys - twenty-somethings may not have had to home-school their children, but my Gawd the lockdown must have been tough on those at the height of their hormones.
Did this make it? No
Are we surprised? The performance wasn't up to it, IMO.
North Macedonia
You know the drill – another ballad another shoulder cape; this time in black and man-fronted. It's pure Disney and after two years clean, I couldn't help but love me some unabashed Eurovij musical theatre – especially when singer Vasil ripped open his dinner jacket to reveal a thermal vest made of disco ball. What commitment to the theme.
Did this make it? I wondered whether the jury vote might carry this through, but no cigar.
Are we surprised? Not massively, seeing as tonight is banger central.
Ireland
Perfect example of just too much going on – the staging here was a complex mix of running machine, papier maché and giant flip books, choreo-ed down to the mini-second. You could sense singer Lesley mentally counting the beat and anticipating her cues, rather than focusing on the old singing bit. Going OTT is usually no bad thing at Eurovision, and might total sense if the song was similarly intricate, but Maps is made for a drunken singalong – we can all appreciate the need to show off lockdown crafting output, but a wind machine, stock computer images of Irish greenery and a bit of simple jumping in the chorus would have been more than enough.
Did this make it? No
Are we surprised? No
Cyprus
Banger battle: contestant number 1. Strap in lads, cause we’re about to see a series of dancefloor fillers performed by five lovelies in a line. Derivative? Sure! But who cares - we live for Textbook Eurovision. Once again, Cyprus have picked an über-famous pop queen (Beyoncé swapped out for Gaga this year) and used her back catalogue as the obvious reference for some joyful dance-pop. This variation goes hard on theme (red lights/shagging the devil), dance (a particularly crotch-based routine), and outfit (a silver chain outfit Ola Jordan might think was a little revealing). Ding ding ding. Greece don’t need to worry about where they’ll place their douze.
Did this make it? Banger battle victor.
Are we surprised? Let’s put it this way - Fuego’s slightly less attractive sibling is still mighty good-looking.
Norway
I can’t entirely tell if this is a piss-take or not, but either way, I can’t move past the dirge. Young Axl Rose in Lennon specs, dressed as an angel in chains doing noughties boyband fare – I‘m told there’s what sounds like a moving backstory about tourettes and mental health, but on some level this is a song contest, and I did not care for the song. (“On some level this is a song contest” - hahahahahaetc)
Did this make it? Yes
Are we surprised? I was - but the bookies weren't.
Croatia
Banger battle: contestant number 2. Much the same as Cyprus except the rumba chain dress is replaced by a super trooper space leotard and the back-up ladies are Mad Max beefcakes in tinfoil and chaps.
Did this make it? Europe thought it more fizzle than bang.
Are we surprised? It wasn’t the best of the hi-NRG bunch, but it was definitely better than Norway.
Belgium
Moorcheeba-y trip-hop veering near Beige, but ending up not too far from Atmospheric. There’s limited charisma from the band and it’s all very perfunctory, but these are seasoned veterans, who benefit from offering up a slow-paced banger break. Twitter offered up my favourite analysis: "Loving this vengeful first wife vibe from Belgium". They've argued over her favourite Johnny Cash t-shirt apparently, though we all know the divorce was really over who stacks the dishwasher properly.
Did this make it? Oui!
Are we surprised? Très, though not unpleasantly.
Israel
Banger battle: contestant number 3 – though it’s perhaps more funky and poppy than the in your face bops that have come before - and the dancing is more circle formation than line. Singer Eden has styled her dreads into a geometrical desk toy and her male dancers leap around in flopping braces, eyes more for each other than her, but she doesn't seem to care. It’s almost clinical in its slickness, but there’s no question that a solid pop performance will appeal to juries and voters.
Did this make it? Yes, and I’ll be happy to hear it again.
Are we surprised? Some find it hard to separate the artist and country and I think that’s fair enough. Eurovision might seek to be apolitical, but whenever has anything been as simple as that?
Romania
Oh gawd, it’s Gen Z experimental theatre, with a smoke machine budget. There’s lots of emoting and angst from lovely Roxen in a little-girl-in-itchy-party-dress chic, and the routine is 93% trust exercises - sadly no-one gets dropped. It’s valiantly performed and better sung than some of the other efforts, but ultimately I remained unmoved, and my main recollection is that “self-love amnesia” sounds like a bad Google translation for "secretly masturbating".
Did this make it? No
Are we surprised? It’s the kind of thing Europe sometimes goes nuts for, so maybe a little.
Azerbaijan
Banger battle: contestant number 4 - my favourite of the lot. Last year, beacon of gorgeousness Efendi put out one of my stone cold Eurovision favourites – a historically accurate (I assume) raucous pop song about Cleopatra interspersed by some ancient mystical chanting and impressive rolling RRRRRRs. This year, she’s done the same thing, but 2021’s school lesson is about sexy Dutch spy Mata Hari. It’s carrying a fair amount of Cleopatra goodwill, but it’s got all the necessary elements of the checklist: hair swishing, line dancing, ethno panpipes, sexy friends in black lingerie (if chiffon cycling shorts count), lots of heavy breathing, and the creeping sensation that the singing is being predominantly carried by a sixth off-stage performer.
How else to open the show but with a stripped back, electro-number performed by a deep-voiced, loose-hipped gentleman in a natty yellow Hillary pantsuit, ably backed by band and dancemates, also in head to toe canary, doing a routine somewhere between finger puppetry, spin class, and Peter Crouch goal celebration. It's knowing and excellent and could not have been a better start to the show.
Did this make it? Taip, which Google tells me is yes in Lithuanian.
Are we surprised? It's a bloody strong field tonight, but it would have been a travesty to lose this.
Slovenia
Such is my good mood, I was well into this classic lady ballad, which instantly ticked off many EV staples: foreign language, key change, white suit, shoulder cape - even if it didn't go as hard on the wind machine as it clearly should. But in the spirit of Trinny and Susannah, I'm also going to gently suggest there would have been no harm in singer Ana - a slim lady, let me stress - going up a size on the trousers. There’s no greater 2021 fashion trend than the elasticated waist; we've all known the lure of the snack cupboard in lockdown, and no-one’s judging a stockpile anymore.
Did this make it? It did not.
Are we surprised? Maybe a smidgen. I'd not clocked it in previews, but I liked it way more than the usual ballad fare.
Russia
Russian Grannies Missy Elliot mash-up, if Missy were a charismatic young woman from Tajikistan. Singer Manizha performs most of this in a red boiler suit - more 2021 vibes; comfort über alles. But she’s not eschewed style and glam – she kicks off in a giant Russian doll outfit, spinning like a dalek and sporting a turban slash bow sufficiently large to remain airborne or please Esme from Sewing Bee. She gurn-shout-raps in Russian over a catchy industrial honky tonk brass hook, with a brief bypass through monastic wailing, inspirational Facebook slogans and Russian orthodox iconography. It slightly reminds me of The Great and is similarly well named.
Did this make it? Da!
Are we surprised? Not da! (I can't remember the Russian for no.)
Sweden
Slick and catchy tune with nice anthemic chorus, but this is phoned in by Swedish standards. Tussé, our smiley man singer, dons a scarlet kimono suit and fingerless evening gloves bedecked with gold palm leaves, which looks sensational and comfy. He seems an absolute delight, but his voice was highly iffy at times - the key change was a particular ouchie moment. A continent winced in unison – which can’t be good.
Did this make it? Oui monsieur. Tussé gets a second go at the vocals.
Are we surprised? I think this has sneaked in on Swedish reputation (even though Euphoria is nearly a decade old, what the fffff).
Australia
Australia had to pre-record this quirky pop performance and send a video tape to the organisers in one of those padded envelopes because somehow (SOMEHOW) travelling to Eurovision isn’t considered essential travel. (I know! Anyone got a Change.org account where we can take this up?) Songstress Montaigne must be well bummed not to be here - indeed let's all take a moment to reflect on a generation of lost Antipodeans who won’t experience the joys of communal living in Clapham, drinking at Walkabout and taking the Eurolines coach for some Amsterdamage. Montaigne is in PVC era Janet Jackson, with vajazzled face and shaved head with Crayola frosting. Performance-wise, let’s call it a tough sing – not helped by an awkward dance routine which involves some ungainly karate kicks and group high-fives. Just let this lovely baby adult sing her song in actual Europe, guys - twenty-somethings may not have had to home-school their children, but my Gawd the lockdown must have been tough on those at the height of their hormones.
Did this make it? No
Are we surprised? The performance wasn't up to it, IMO.
North Macedonia
You know the drill – another ballad another shoulder cape; this time in black and man-fronted. It's pure Disney and after two years clean, I couldn't help but love me some unabashed Eurovij musical theatre – especially when singer Vasil ripped open his dinner jacket to reveal a thermal vest made of disco ball. What commitment to the theme.
Did this make it? I wondered whether the jury vote might carry this through, but no cigar.
Are we surprised? Not massively, seeing as tonight is banger central.
Ireland
Perfect example of just too much going on – the staging here was a complex mix of running machine, papier maché and giant flip books, choreo-ed down to the mini-second. You could sense singer Lesley mentally counting the beat and anticipating her cues, rather than focusing on the old singing bit. Going OTT is usually no bad thing at Eurovision, and might total sense if the song was similarly intricate, but Maps is made for a drunken singalong – we can all appreciate the need to show off lockdown crafting output, but a wind machine, stock computer images of Irish greenery and a bit of simple jumping in the chorus would have been more than enough.
Did this make it? No
Are we surprised? No
Cyprus
Banger battle: contestant number 1. Strap in lads, cause we’re about to see a series of dancefloor fillers performed by five lovelies in a line. Derivative? Sure! But who cares - we live for Textbook Eurovision. Once again, Cyprus have picked an über-famous pop queen (Beyoncé swapped out for Gaga this year) and used her back catalogue as the obvious reference for some joyful dance-pop. This variation goes hard on theme (red lights/shagging the devil), dance (a particularly crotch-based routine), and outfit (a silver chain outfit Ola Jordan might think was a little revealing). Ding ding ding. Greece don’t need to worry about where they’ll place their douze.
Did this make it? Banger battle victor.
Are we surprised? Let’s put it this way - Fuego’s slightly less attractive sibling is still mighty good-looking.
Norway
I can’t entirely tell if this is a piss-take or not, but either way, I can’t move past the dirge. Young Axl Rose in Lennon specs, dressed as an angel in chains doing noughties boyband fare – I‘m told there’s what sounds like a moving backstory about tourettes and mental health, but on some level this is a song contest, and I did not care for the song. (“On some level this is a song contest” - hahahahahaetc)
Did this make it? Yes
Are we surprised? I was - but the bookies weren't.
Croatia
Banger battle: contestant number 2. Much the same as Cyprus except the rumba chain dress is replaced by a super trooper space leotard and the back-up ladies are Mad Max beefcakes in tinfoil and chaps.
Did this make it? Europe thought it more fizzle than bang.
Are we surprised? It wasn’t the best of the hi-NRG bunch, but it was definitely better than Norway.
Belgium
Moorcheeba-y trip-hop veering near Beige, but ending up not too far from Atmospheric. There’s limited charisma from the band and it’s all very perfunctory, but these are seasoned veterans, who benefit from offering up a slow-paced banger break. Twitter offered up my favourite analysis: "Loving this vengeful first wife vibe from Belgium". They've argued over her favourite Johnny Cash t-shirt apparently, though we all know the divorce was really over who stacks the dishwasher properly.
Did this make it? Oui!
Are we surprised? Très, though not unpleasantly.
Israel
Banger battle: contestant number 3 – though it’s perhaps more funky and poppy than the in your face bops that have come before - and the dancing is more circle formation than line. Singer Eden has styled her dreads into a geometrical desk toy and her male dancers leap around in flopping braces, eyes more for each other than her, but she doesn't seem to care. It’s almost clinical in its slickness, but there’s no question that a solid pop performance will appeal to juries and voters.
Did this make it? Yes, and I’ll be happy to hear it again.
Are we surprised? Some find it hard to separate the artist and country and I think that’s fair enough. Eurovision might seek to be apolitical, but whenever has anything been as simple as that?
Romania
Oh gawd, it’s Gen Z experimental theatre, with a smoke machine budget. There’s lots of emoting and angst from lovely Roxen in a little-girl-in-itchy-party-dress chic, and the routine is 93% trust exercises - sadly no-one gets dropped. It’s valiantly performed and better sung than some of the other efforts, but ultimately I remained unmoved, and my main recollection is that “self-love amnesia” sounds like a bad Google translation for "secretly masturbating".
Did this make it? No
Are we surprised? It’s the kind of thing Europe sometimes goes nuts for, so maybe a little.
Azerbaijan
Banger battle: contestant number 4 - my favourite of the lot. Last year, beacon of gorgeousness Efendi put out one of my stone cold Eurovision favourites – a historically accurate (I assume) raucous pop song about Cleopatra interspersed by some ancient mystical chanting and impressive rolling RRRRRRs. This year, she’s done the same thing, but 2021’s school lesson is about sexy Dutch spy Mata Hari. It’s carrying a fair amount of Cleopatra goodwill, but it’s got all the necessary elements of the checklist: hair swishing, line dancing, ethno panpipes, sexy friends in black lingerie (if chiffon cycling shorts count), lots of heavy breathing, and the creeping sensation that the singing is being predominantly carried by a sixth off-stage performer.
Did this make it? She bangs, she bangs.
Are we surprised? Deffo good enough to deserve a Saturday place.
Ukraine
Sour-faced cheekbone queen in emerald muppet coat repeatedly deadpans one nasal note as a folkloric industrial beat gets steadily faster and faster. Meanwhile, her band mates – including a butch guy on a recorder – mosh with fury and play instruments submerged in a fake white forest, and her dance mates fling around some Influencer ring lights. AN ABSOLUTE TRIUMPH.
Did this make it? They announced them last and my heart was in my throat.
Are we surprised? Favourite of the night. (Cheryl Baker had the gall to call this pitchy, why I oughta…)
Malta
Destiny has already won (Junior) Eurovision and you can see why – girl’s got pipes. This is technically banger battle: contestant number 5, but her voice is on another dimension compared to the rest of the Euro divas, truth be told. This is effortless powerhouse stuff (even if I secretly prefer the chiffon cycling shorts/history lesson from Efendi Azerbaijan). Destiny's dancing is more hinted at than actually performed – there’s a lot of pouting and hand waving, alongside a brief cancan, but she still makes full use of being dressed head to toe in silver - all shimmy-worthy spangles and wide-angled waders. Whilst the song is a thinly veiled excuse for a pun about swearing, it’s also a joyful ode to body positivity and super catchy to (thigh-high) boot. I'm always going to enjoy a singer who successfully rhymes “money” and “dummy”.
Did this make it? Yes
Are we surprised? No – worthy bookie favourite
All in all, a fair bunch through - no big surprises either making it or breaking it, my own personal feelings for Norway aside. This was a vintage crop though and it's still excitingly anyone's game - maybe there's a case for a fallow year... (NOOOOOO!). Thursday's bunch are going to offer up a more mixed bag I think, but still - ISN'T IT GOOD TO BE BACK! See you soon - and keep washing those hands in the meantime. The world isn't quite Euroclub ready in practice, even though the spirit is firmly back in the room.
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