Tel Aviv 2019 - Semi Final #2

“What’s up party PEOPLE?!!!!!”  Yes, an actual quote from our actual host, him with the severe fringe.  Well, what is up?  A recap of Tuesday’s semi-final mainly, before we get straight on with the show.  No previous winners being birthed from giant felines or miming singing a Bruno Mars cover beautifully.  So let’s get to bidness.

1. Armenia    

Walking Out by Srbuk

The 2019 waders theme is still alive – lady goth with dreads swaggers and points in thigh highs and mini trench coat. 100% forgettable.  Next!

Did this make it?  Nope.  Next!

Are we surprised?  Nope.  NEXT!

           

2. Ireland      

22 by Sarah McTernan

The styling is a cross between that iconic Aha video and the artwork typically found on birthday cards for 3 year olds in supermarkets.  Sarah has quite a nice bluesy husky voice and I am enjoying how her pencil skirt is too tight for her to really move, meaning her sole dance move is shimmying to a milkshake bar, then laying down.  But, to be blunt, this is my worst kind of Eurovision entry – neither weird or rubbish enough to laugh at and enjoy, or good enough to sit up and pay attention.  This semi-final feels full of ‘em.

Did this make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Ireland are SO over Eurovision - they literally will enter My Lovely Horse one year.

                       

3. Moldova

Stay by Anna Odobescu

Well Ola Jordan has aged since Strictly, and catsuit no more, she’s donned a sexy bridal mullet dress with one big puffy sleeve, whilst James has been replaced by a woman in a ballgown doing some sand-painting (#upgrade).  Moldova are well known for bringing the cray-cray, so you can imagine my disappointment that we’re getting a competent, big-lunged, but ultimately boring ballad.  My interest was briefly piqued by a random birdcage on the sandpit table, but it contained zero birds, because – Eurovision Fact Time – live animals are a banned substance at Eurovision.  (Imagine if they were allowed!  You KNOW Azerbaijan would stretch the budget to an actual tiger.)

Did this make it?  Should’ve sneaked a tiger in.

Are we surprised?  We aren’t.  Please return to farce and/or sax men next year.

                       

4. Switzerland     

She Got Me by Luca Hänni

Ah finally – banger time.  It’s a total rip off of the type of thing Sweden usually sends, but if you are going to shamelessly Single White Female at Eurovision, Sweden are the ones to pick – just need to find a Swiss man with enough Mans-appeal to pull it off.   They’ve more or less managed it with Luka ‘Yes’ Hanni, who can dance competently Justin Trousersnake-style, in front of a brothel red background, whilst making references to things like mamas and getting rowdy and dropping down low – pop song word soup to a Despacito-meets-panpipes beat.  Formulaic, but slick.

Did this make it?  Yes mama.

Are we surprised?  No.

But will it win?  Win, probably not.  Do very well, entirely possibly.

                       

5. Latvia        

That Night by Carousel

Oh a country song - there’s always one, these days.  It’s got a vampirey gothic vibe about it, not least because our leading lady singer looks like Drusilla off Buffy – big eyes, full of crazed murder - and is styled like Scarlet off Nashville – lace curtain dress and irritating indoor hat.  At least her band tick some good Eurovision boxes - old man on double bass and guitarist with a giant blow-dry, like a Latvian musketeer.

Did this make it?  Let’s hope they had open returns, for there is nothing left for them here.

Are we surprised?  No, this was a nothing song and a nothing performance.

6. Romania   

On a Sunday by Ester Peony

Oh a country song - there’s always (another) one, these days.  It’s got a vampirey gothic vibe about it, not least because our leading lady singer is sitting astride a velvet armchair, sporting a cravat, black tulle skirt and Doc Martins.  She’s accompanied by a weird butler man with guitar and guyliner, a couple of spare Icelandic gimp dancers, and two female backing dancers in frills and lederhosen.  It’s a bit harsh that the two country’n’vampire songs got drawn together – mainly as it makes you think that neither is any cop.  However, you won’t be surprised to hear I thought velvet armchair/ledenhosen was a more worthy attempt than indoor hat/Bon Jovi blow dry.

Did this make it?  Back to Bucharest

Are we surprised?  Not really, it was actually quite boring, in spite of their efforts.

                       

7. Denmark  

Love Is Forever by Leonora

The earnest Danish six-formers have landed, and are lounging on a giant chair in wire-rimmed glasses and unwashed hair, swapping Insta likes and playing woke top trumps (cashew milk beats almond), whilst their fresh faced head girl sings a saccharine, mind-grinding ditty.  For reasons unclear (part of the song is in what might be French?) they’re styled like a la thirties Gallic stereotype - stripes, neckties, braces (no berets though WTF).  The twee is off the scale and I loathed every minute.

Did this make it?  Somehow, yes.

Are we surprised?  Astounded.

But will it win?  No fucking way.

           

8. Sweden

Too Late for Love John Lundvik

This is one of the hot favourites, and it’s all the professionalism you’d expect from Sweden – well showcased, catchy pop song with an ear worm chorus.  Two mis-fires though - they dressed John in shiny, high-waisted, ankle-skimming matador trousers, which even a man of his gym-bunny stature struggled with, and they only brought out his amazing gospel backing singers for the last chorus, when it’s clear they should have been front and centre from the start.  Let me focus, therefore, on The Mamas – four crackers in leopard print sequinned kimonos and matching flares, perfectly timed fist-pumps, a key change to die for, and some plus-size dancing that show France’s ballerina how it’s done.

(FYI John Lundvik was born in Croydon before being adopted by Swedish ex-pats and he wrote the UK song, so we can claim him if we want.)

Did this make it?  100%

Are we surprised? 0%

But will it win?  85%

                       

9. Austria

Limits by PÆNDA   

A younger version of the Kardashian momager with added blue tint forcing out a weedy ballad.  Poor.

Did this make it?  Nein.

Are we surprised?  Even compatriot Conchita would throw shade.

10. Croatia

The Dream by Roko

Inbetweener in white leather jacket over Asda non-iron school shirt sitting on floor up to his waist in smoke machine, which if it isn’t a fart reference, then I don't know what is.  Our guy is doing a lot of emoting, then two utterly ripped men dressed in very tight trousers and angel wings are hauled down from the ceiling, and reveal school-shirt to have (wonky) wings of his own, also made of dead seagull.  It's bad, though there is a key change into the local language, which I mildly appreciated.

Did this make it?  Not even with the shameless pandering to the gay vote.

Are we surprised?  We are the very definition of not surprised.

11. Malta

Chameleon by Michela       

Fire the stylist – this outfit is HAUFFING.  

1. White denim jacket with transparent rain jacket sleeves and white cuffs.  

2. Unflattering white booty shorts and white pull-up knee socks.  

3. Orange fake tan and top-knot ponytail emphasizing the roundness of face (her chin isn’t even THAT large, but this hairstyle does not help persuade that that’s the case).  

Oh I feel bad about the bitching, because she’s a perfectly acceptable teen pop singer, and she’s doing three songs in one, two of which are really catchy.

Did this make it?  Yes, and she did the BEST ugly crying when she heard.

Are we surprised?  I don’t think so and it was certainly deserved given the competition.

But will it win?  Mid-table?

                       

12. Lithuania

Run with the Lions by Jurij Veklenko                             

Extremely hot perfume model.  Extremely non-descript song.

Did this make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  A tad. That level of hotness can often be enough. And boy was he hot. 

13. Russia

Scream by Sergey Lazarev             

My god, more all-white clothing - this is getting a bit much, even by Eurovision standards.  Obviously Russia have upped the budget from Primark, as Sergey’s cotton has quite the thread count.  His ego has quite the thread count too – the staging is a million mirrors which he lovingly sings into one by one, which then turn into projections of a million (or maybe, like ten) Sergeys emoting.  He’s then suddenly, David Blaine style, singing in a glass box covered in rainfall, before finishing up as an army of slightly intimidating Sergeys.  There's money behind that staging, and it's all quite impressive, especially as it very nearly covers up having a truly mediocre song.

Did this make it?  Yes. 

Are we surprised?  It’s Russia – they insist on pain of death and access to energy supplies command the votes.

But will it win?  Only if the bots get involved.

14. Albania

Kthejutokës by Jonida Maliqi       

Stone cold Nigella-a-like MILF, who I would have placed at a very handsome 50, thanks to good botox and lighting, but Wikipedia informs me is 36!!!!  Lolzz - someone is either lying, or has had quite the Malboro habit over the last 36 (ahem) years.  Jonida is dressed like a Spanish doll, all black ruffles and spilled cleavage, with much gold needlework skirt decor, and an actual gallon of eyeliner.  Also, unexpected forearm tattoos.  She is all our of spirit animals.

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Terrible song, but I can still feel Jonida’s charisma/see the glow of her teeth whitener from here.

But will it win?  It will do better than we might expect.

15. Norway

Spirit in the Sky by KEiiNO                      

At first this just seems like a thin Norwegian man in a soldier jacket and a curvy Norwegian blonde churning out a standard Euro-banger.  And then, COMETH THE YODEL!  Apparently a traditional Nordic yodel called the joik, no less, performed by a second Norwegian man with the look of Shrek's head and the outfit of Prince Charming.   Think Viking chanting over Four To The Floor.  Weird and catchy and bloody joyful.

Did this make it?  Yes!

Are we surprised?  No sirree – though it was a bit squeaky bum before it got announced.

But will it win?  Not impossible.  I hope it does well.

16. Netherlands

Arcade by Duncan Laurence                     

Bookies’ favourite, and a good moody pop tune, performed well enough by a hot man sat at a piano.  It’s a bit low-key by EV standards – at one point Duncan lifts his arms and starts an audience participation clap and... no that’s it.  But low-key can sometimes work to your favour at Eurovision and it’s important to note that the Netherlands is firmly on the list of countries that can definitely afford to host the contest next year.

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised? No.

But will it win?  It might.

17. North Macedonia

Proud by Tamara Todevska          

The artist formerly known as The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia bring out a buxom blonde in a big shiny emerald evening gown who shouts out an entirely forgettable ballad.

Did this make it?  Somehow.

Are we surprised?  I guess one of the non-descript ballads was going to pick up a default place.

But will it win?  In a word, no.

18. Azerbaijan

Truth by Chingiz     

Chingiz - what a name, sounds like a Essex rapper - is singing whilst a red laser heart is projected over his sensible waistcoat by two robot arms.  Indeed that's the full gimmick - well for two of the three minutes, because they subtly turn the robots off partway through, for no apparent reason.  This is a fine enough upbeat pop tune, but I definitely wanted more robot.

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  They built a brand-new stadium in Baku especially to host the 2008 contest, so they do fulfill the ‘can they fund it’ criteria.

But will it win?  Average showing.

So there we go – cue the usual filler whilst we wait for the votes.  Full disclaimer: one of my children woke up at this point, so I’m a bit hazy on proceedings, and not particularly inclined to care.  However, we now know that actual Madonna is coming to the final to perform Like A Prayer in the interval, so I will say this - my children had better not wake up then (they are fine to wake up during the new track she’s also performing).

But that's not what I'm really looking forward to in the final - it's the previous winner and nearly-winner mash up I'm most excited about.  And it looks to be a good contest, in spite of lacking Portuguese crapola insanity and those shouty Polish girls.  (I'm backing Australia, with lots of love and lolz for Norway and Iceland.)   Also, stay tuned for the Big Five and Israel, yet to perform – Spain, France and Italy are quite hotly tipped, whilst the UK, Germany and Israel are... not, which is a slight shame as Michael Rice seems a nice sort, even if this was a missed opportunity to sing a song with a subtle Remain message, maybe called something "REVOKE ARTICLE 50 REMAIN REMAIN REMAIN THOSE OF US WITH ANY SENSE REALLY WANT TO STAY LOVE YOU DONALD TUSK".  

Happy Eurovision, mes amis! Let's do this.

Tel Aviv 2019 - Semi Final #1

Welcome to Tel Aviv, the heart of Europe – or certainly a country with valid European Broadcasting Union membership.  We’re here because Eleni of Cyprus was 100% robbed last year, in favour of a plus-size Bjork-a-like who sang about, oh I forget - emojis and chickens and pretend swears and appropriating cultural heritage or something.  Anyway, as is traditional, 2018 winner Netta kicked things off by being birthed from a giant robot cat and screeching her way around the stage whilst one of her man dancers accidentally knocked one of his colleagues in the head.  That wouldn’t have happened on Eleni’s watch. 

Our four hosts (yes four - seems to be the unfortunate norm these days) are two impossibly beautiful women and two entirely meh looking men.  They’ll be here all week to stutter at the autocue and make jokes that don’t land, because they aren’t Petra Mede.  So I don’t propose we linger here much longer.  Let’s crack on with our 17 semi-finalists – Icelandic BDSM awaits.

1.  Cyprus      

Replay by Tamta

Tamta is Blair Waldorf with an unwashed blonde bob (an impossible plot point, I accept) in leather jacket, chandelier knickers and PVC waders with suspender belts.  It’s a look, for sure.  Our Cypriot Gossip Girl is flanked by male dancers in fancy hats, which I thought might be stetsons, but having spent a valuable few minutes googling “hat styles”, I’d place more as a fedora gaucho cross.  The song is a banger, but may I recommend the pre-recorded version.

Did this make it?  Yup.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

But will it win?  Not without a trip to vocal performance boot camp.

2. Montenegro

Heaven by D mol

The styling here is ‘promotional photograph of the cast of Friends in white suits’.  It’s the one where Monika gets a random red scarf stapled to her lapel, Ross is somewhat wider than I remembered, Joey’s t-shirt is such a deep V it’s a U, there’s considerably less ambiguity about Chandler’s sexuality, Phoebe remains typically underused and Rachel’s breasts are still very much the main focus of all proceedings.  Musically this is a saccharin Disney filler yawnfest.  Certainly no Smelly Cat.

Did this make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

                       

3. Finland     

Look Away by Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman  

Yes, Darude!  Yes, Darude who you’ve actually heard of!  Yes, Darude of Sandstorm by Darude fame!  Yes, that techno-y song that goes duh duh duh duh-duh (pause) duh duh duh duh-duh (pause) duh duh duh duh-duh (etc).  Anyway, Darude has moved away from the musical genre of ‘musical drill noises over a trance beat’ which offered up an international smash, and has instead opted for anthemic pop fronted by a Finnish rockstar man with impeccable facial hair, accompanied by a lady dancer in green and wind machine, whilst Darude himself pisses around in the background on a very small piano.  Theme alert: we’re now on two acts wearing leather jackets and some variation on fishing waders – Finnish rockstar man has thigh-high boot effect embedded into the colouring of his jeans. 

Did this make it?  Negative.

Are we surprised?  Yeah, a little.  The song was catchy enough, and it was performed by a bona fide pop… oh sorry, what’s that, Sandstorm was a hit in 1999?  And you're certain that 1999 is twenty years ago? 

                       

4. Poland

Fire of Love (Pali się) by Tulia

Tulia are a girl band, but the styling is less bra tops and slinky trousers, and more red veils, DIY twig and cracker-jewel crowns and the offcuts of a maypole for a skirt – as if the dress code were ‘sacrificial virgin who wants to turn heads before she’s murdered’.  They’ve also eschewed blended RnB harmonies for deliberately pitchy St Trinians’ school choir.  The song has no discernible tune or hook and sounds bloody awful.  Indeed it is bloody awful, but it’s fairly clear that Tulia ran out of fucks quite some time ago.

Did this make it?  It did not.

Are we surprised?  No, not really – if you're going to dress in traditional Polish folk outfits, it's important to include cleavage and milk churn.

5. Slovenia    

Sebi by Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl

White-clad teen couple sing monotonous stoner pop, whilst staring unerringly into other’s eyes, for they are so deeply in love – *dry heave* *massive eye roll* *dear god young people are SO BORING*.  The level of cringe here is "one Made In Chelsea character asking another Made In Chelsea character out on a date", which is only one level below "two Made In Chelsea characters actually going on a date".

Did this make it? An excruciating three minutes that not only will I never get back, but that I’ll have to experience AGAIN on Saturday.

Are we surprised?  Completely.

But will it win?  If this made it through the semi-finals – and it did – anything could happen.

           

6. Czech Republic   

Friend of a Friend by Lake Malawi

Three clean-cut heart-throbs in skinny trousers and Influencer jumpers (seriously, where can I purchase that mustard sweatshirt), bouncing around looking dreamy whilst performing an absolute ear worm about a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend (actual lyric).  The Czech Rep are carving out a good niche for themselves as the purveyors of kitchsy, cutesy, slightly knowing/ironic boy pop , where the theme tends to be ‘oh I really fancy this girl, but she hasn’t really noticed poor adorable me’, which couldn’t be more of a teenage girl hook.  It is of course also total bollocks IRL, as these fit young pop performers will be heavily drinking and heartily shagging their way through the (admittedly minimal) number of young straight women attending Eurovision.

Did this make it?  This must have easily galvanized the teenage she-vote.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

But will it win?  Top ten?

7.  Hungary  

Az én apám by Joci Pápai  

Portly Hungarian man with teeny-tiny top knot and bare feet.  This had panpipes and understated but dramatic wailing.  (Understated! At Eurovision! Bold times.)  I appreciate I was in an minority, but reader - I didn’t loathe it.

Did this make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  I’m a little sad, but surprised?  That would be a no.

8. Belarus     

Like It by ZENA

                       

Confident forgettable pop by confident forgettable popstrel in white vinyl waders and booty shorts.  The kind of tune I might catch popping into New Look for some ballet pumps, or whilst having to retune the car radio on the motorway.  It was FINE, but I’m mainly sad Belarus have moved away from sending heavy metal pretty boys who like to perform nude in front of projections of wolves and giant babies.

Did this make it?  It did.

Are we surprised?  I suppose it was quite polished, for Eurovision.

9. Serbia       

Kruna by Nevena Božovic

And the dads suddenly wake up – the Serbian Daryl Hannah hath arrived.  Blonde tousled locks, statuesque frame in black evening gown with full leg on show, pouty red lips, breathless singing in a foreign language/big-voiced singing in accented English, own wind machine, string accompaniment and rocky power ballad -  literally all the clichés perfectly ticked.  And then, lest any dads were wavering, she only goes and does some sexy air guitar.  What a pro.  She is magnificent.  Her song is not.

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Yes.

But will it win?  No.

10. Belgium

Wake Up by Eliot

Eliot is a nice boy in an oversized bomber jacket and crew cut who sings Coldplay-esque electronica, backed by three massive drums, two of which are being pummelled by a woman, one of which is being pummelled by one man, which tells you everything you need to know about gender equality, doesn’t it.  There’s one catchy line where our little Belgian sings “I came to fight, I came to fight over you”, which is delivered with all the authenticity and passion you’d expect of a fresh-faced 14 year old who hasn’t spoken to a girl since Infants.

Side note: writing up this entry somehow led me to the Manneken Pis Wikipedia page, which is worth a browse for the costumes they’ve seen fit to dress him in - can’t decide if I prefer judo or saxophone.  I hadn’t ever really backed Belgium, but if they promise to dress the Little Pisser as their winning entry, I am ALL IN for Ghent 2021.

  

Did this make it?  Non / nee

Are we surprised? Non / nee.

                       

11. Georgia    

Keep on Going by Oto Nemsadze             

Well Oto seems a ‘character’, that’s for sure.  There was a heated debate in our house about who he looked like “Jean Reno” versus “an aged J from 5ive” versus “something of the Bronn from Game of Thrones” versus “some Georgian guy in black with a man bun”.  I found Oto to have unexpected sexual magnetism, though it turns out I am completely alone in that opinion.  It’s possible that I was taken in by his five strong Georgian Male Voice Choir – there’s testosterone in the baritone, as literally no-one has ever said because it is even more disgustingly cringeworthy than that duet from the Slovenian love birds.

Did this make it?  No to Oto.  N’Oto, if you will.

Are we surprised? We are n’Oto.

12. Australia 

Zero Gravity by Kate Miller-Heidke

Popera about post-natal depression, which initially seems a) like a bit of a serious bummer and b) a total rip-off of the musical Wicked, right down to the white witch outfit and gravity reference.  However, HOWEVER, it turns out to be an absolutely spectacular, highly moving, incredibly well-staged, slickly performed and beautifully conceived, really sensational piece of art, YES ART.  Basically, Kate (Glinda off Wicked / new mum with PND) and her two more black-clad witchy gal pals perform attached to very tall poles which swing from side to side above a giant projection of the earth, making them look as if they are floating in – get this – ZERO GRAVITY.   Kate’s mates do lots of witchy flailing with mucho chiffon, whilst Kate herself does amazing operatic yodel trills and an entire body hula - and I mentioned them being attached to poles, right?  Throughout.  YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT ART?

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  No.

But will it win?  TEAM OZ.

                       

13. Iceland    

Hatrið mun sigra by Hatari

Where. To. Begin?

By explaining that Harari are a techno punk band, who are performing a song called Hate Will Prevail?

By pointing out that they dress in PVC catsuits with a great deal of stud, buckle, corset, belt, leather thong and bondage detail, as well as hulking great platform boots and zero-powered contact lenses?

By describing their staging - a giant globe/cage at the back of the stage, inhabited by a gimp man who spends the entire performance chained up whilst smacking the cage with a giant bejewelled pugil stick?

By inferring that they have blown the rest of the budget on fire, red lighting and strobes?

By noticing (perhaps most shocking of all) that one of them has a bleached mullet?

By commenting that the music both makes your ears bleed and your feet tap?

By reporting that there’s a key change?

I mean – all of that stands.  All of that, and more.   

Perhaps I’ll leave you with a snippet of their Wikipedia page: “Hatari consists of clean vocalist Klemens Nikulasson Hannigan and harsh vocalist Matthias Tryggvi Haraldsson (‘Clean’ and ‘Harsh’ Vocalists! Who knew?!), and producer/drummer Einar Hrafn Stefansson.  Klemens is the son of Nikulas Hannigan, the head of the trade office division at Iceland's Ministry for Foreign Affairs, and Ran Tryggvadottir, a lawyer for legal firm LMB Mandat.  Matthias is the son of Haraldur Flosi Tryggvason, the owner of LMB Mandat and Gunnhildur Sigrunar Hauks, an artist.  Einar is the son of Stefan Haukur Johannesson, the Icelandic ambassador stationed in London.

It’s... quite something.

Did this make it?   YAS KWEEN!

Are we surprised?  It’s a thrash metal cracker – so no.  Remember Lordi!

But will it win?  A very learned Eurovision friend is seriously considering putting a bet on them.

14. Estonia    

Storm by Victor Crone                   

Victor’s no crone, that’s for sure, as he’s very pretty (not my type, obvz, I’m into Georgian machismo), but he has limited charisma, presence or musicality. He’s styled like a Neighbours’ actor trying to break into the pop scene at the turn of the nineties.  Sometimes he has a guitar, and sometimes he doesn’t.  (I’m struggling with this one, you can tell.)

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Shrug emoji.

But will it win?  Mid-table oblivion.

15. Portugal  

Telemoveis by Conan Osiris          

Deep breath.

Ok.

This is Conan.  Conan has a beard veil made of leather.  Conan is wearing a pleated kimono in a shade of green halfway between emerald and fern, which Esme and Patrick from the Sewing Bee would judge to have been very well pressed.  Conan has matched his well-pressed kimono suit with those trainers I see on the feet of young fashionable men on the buses of South London that look like the bases have been over-inflated.  Conan appears to have halted his dirge-wailing to do some jerky angry dancing and stamping.  Conan has a friend on stage in a long emerald-fern pleated skirt which appears to be equally well-pressed.  Conan’s friend also has emerald-fern evening gloves with pleats of their own, which he wiggles at the camera whilst belly-dancing.  Conan’s friend goes en pointe on his inflated trainers.  More jerking.  More wailing.  More begloved-pleat waving.  This goes on for three minutes before they fake their own deaths - just before we all start to contemplate mortality, simply to make it all stop.

Did this make it?  Europe is denied.

Are we surprised?  It was a pile of absolute steaming horse turd, but Saturday’s final will be the poorer without it.  This is the one the semi-final deniers should return to - it’s not fair on any of us that you shouldn’t all have to sit through that.

                       

16. Greece

Better Love by Katerine Duska

I’m sure I’ve said this before, if Greece isn't putting out a tiny woman with massive lungs in an even tinier dress singing an even massiver choon, I AM NOT INTERESTED.  So you can imagine my appreciation for this sub-par Florence and The Machine number.  I think the theme was white wedding in a Christmas bauble, where the flower decor was a giant pot pourri arrangement, the guests were ballerinas (inexplicably) armed with fencing swords, and the bridesmaids were sporting Marigolds (gloves not flowers).  The bride/singer wore a smock of ruffles, including a vertical one perfectly aligned with her vagina.  There was no groom. 

Did this make it?  Apparently, yes.

Are we surprised?  I certainly am.

But will it win?  Even Cyprus might hold back the douze here.

17. San Marino

Say Na Na Na by Serhat

Serhat is an older Turkish gentleman with a husky voice and a bald cranium, who cannot hit a note to save his life, but somehow has the charm and balls to forge on through, and Europe is full speed behind him.  This was some truly woeful singing, backed by dancers in white suit jackets and Bermuda shorts, fronting a projection designed using solely MS Word, to a joyful disco beat and endless lolz.  As ever, a Sammarinese triumph.

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  We should be.

But will it win?  Serhat seems capable of anything.  And I mean, anything.

And there we go.   We’ve made it through the first semi – what filler whilst the votes get counted?  Rylan doing a little chauffeuring skit I enjoyed greatly, lovely Scott Mills doing a terrible skit about whether Madonna is going to perform at the final (WHO KNOWS?!), before 1998 winner Dana International’s entirely new face mimes a Bruno Mars hit, because – sure, why not, whilst the audience is menaced by a kiss cam, because - sure why not.  

Jayde Adams also appears – sadly underused, for she is a Bristol legend in the  making.  If you want to hear a podcast which regularly references Bedminster Asda as well as the joy of Eurovision, then you are IN LUCK.  And if you start listening now you might be able to get through them all before Thursday night - cause that’s right babies, we’re doing this all again then.  Shalom Europe!  See you for Semi Final two.