Lisbon 2018 - Semi Final #2

Just going to launch in - yesterday was our first long drive as a family of four and I’m only just recovering from the stress. No time for extended niceties about our four Nelly Furtados. (They all looked lovely, even the one dressed like an art deco lampshade.)

Norway

You know Bilderberg, that not-so secret club where the patriarchy meet to hang out, show off their helicopters and decide the world’s fate? There’s clearly a Eurovision equivalent, right? One where Dana International and Concheets wield vital power (having Admin rights to the WhatsApp group) and Johnny Logan bores on to Sonia about the good old days.  And when that group gets together (Loreen can’t ever make it, she’s rillllly busy that night, soz), it must be the case that the two Scandi male victors - 2015 winner, Mans ‘Heroes’ Zemerlow and 2009 winner, Alexander ‘Fairytale’ Rybak - prop up the bar together, taut and superior,  one eyebrow slightly raised, looking on a little snidely at everyone else.  To the outside world, they’ll be Alpha Male besties, constantly taking the piss out of wannabe Dima Bilan, outrageously flirting with posh totty Emmelie de Forest, and remaining a little scared yet aroused by sexy German weirdo Lena.  But let’s face it, Mans and Alexander are really classic fremenies - mates on the outside, furious bitchy rivals within.  So we can only imagine how INCANDESCENT WITH SWEDISH RAGE Mans must have been when he saw Alexander back on the Eurovision stage, having shamelessly nicked Mans’ winning on-screen graphics gimmick right at the start of his act. If you though Fairytale was Gorgonzola, then brace yourselves people, for this piece of stinky cheese could shut down the dairy. Rybak is 100% phoning it in - he could barely be arsed to pretend his violin solo was real - but you can’t escape the winner’s profiency.

Did this make it? Yup.

Are we surprised? Not when you compare it with the rest of tonight’s woeful field.

But will it win? Dr Eurovision thinks so (yes, there’s a man with an actual PhD in Eurovision).

Romania

I know, let’s TERRIFY them into choosing us, by staging an army of white masked mannequins, deftly finding the loophole in the 'only six people on stage' rule.  Why you'd want so many utterly frightening fake people on stage is beyond me, but I did enjoy how that turned this into the worst (best?) ever episode of Doctor Who.  Still, that couldn't mask that this was musical dirge into an extended soft metal rock-out, performed by men dressed as chefs and a woman dressed in purple silk and a personal wind machine.  (Seriously though, when are we getting the Doctor does Eurovision episode? Alien intervention is the only logical explanation for the continued existence of the Eurovision Song Contest.)

Did this make it? No.

Are we surprised? No.

Serbia

Whereby Europe is inducted into a cult by Einstein on panpipes, a three drum drummer, and a high priest and priestess performing a ritual sacrifice (*insert murdering song reference here*).

Did this make it? Yes. LOLZ.

Are we surprised? Repeat after me, the power of sandals, robes and hypnotic chants to a disco beat is strong. Repeat after me, the power...

But will it win? No way.

San Marino

Look I’m happy to mock San Marino’s shoddy Eurovision output as much the next man and the concept here was as random as ever - sticking four small robots at the front of the stage whilst Woman 1 sang and Woman 2 performed a hilarious rap in her PJs and a chiffon red dinner lady coat.  What you might not have noticed - but I did because my toddler insisted on watching this one several times (“I want the little robots though”) - was the immense musical hook.  SO GOOD.

Did this make it?  Robbed.

Are we surprised? Of course not - it’s San Marino; the whole point of their existence is to bolster the numbers at the semi-final stage. Sorry, what’s that you’re saying about a tax haven?

Denmark

WINTER IS COMING. And it heralds stocky Danes in House Stark styling: all wind-swept beards, guyliner and rhythmic marching to an anthemic sea shanty. Sure there were some dirgey undertones, but I’m a total sucker for big drums and choral harmonies. And hot Vikings.

Did this make it? Aye me hearties.

Are we surprised? No - it was actively good.

But will it win? Dark sexy Nordic horse.

Russia

Remember all that hoo-haa last year when Russia’s entry was banned because she’d played in Crimea and the Ukrainians were all ‘uh-uh girlfriend, no visa rights for you, hun lol’?  Well wheelchair-bound Yulia got her turn this year instead - in a not-at-all-pointed dig from the Russians. And what a triumphant rebuke this was not, with Julia plonked atop a giant rock, singing an instantly forgettable song, whilst some contemporary dancers performed some very intense and somewhat jerky contemporary dance, which mainly looked like someone experiencing extreme electric shock, which I’m not saying was based on a real life training technique oh no not at all spasiba do it again better you dancing imbecile etc etc.

Did this make it?  NO!

Are we surprised?  Shock. Of. The. Night.  Shock. Of. The. Flipping. Decade.  Sure the song was total crapola from start to end, but it’s Russia. RUSSIA!  Russia never don’t get through! Russia never don’t make Top Five! If you weren’t worried that Trump pulling out of the Iran deal was going to cause the end of the world, you can start to get afraid now - this is nothing short of a diplomatic catastrophe.

Moldova

Oooooh hello stage craft. It’s all gone a bit commedia dell’arte with this very slick farce involving the opening and closing of legs and windows, all to a catchy tune that grows on you like fungus.  I quite liked this - it had something of the old skool Eurovision about it.

Did this make it? They did!

Are we surprised? The Moldovans usually do something bonkers for Eurovision which no-one else even remotely understands, but when they harness the crazy and mould it into something that has an actual plot, turns out Europe loves it.

But will it win? Might do well, but Chisinau 2019 (totes had to look that up) still seems a little unlikely.

The Netherlands

Nashville Bon Jovi with unexpected hip hop dancing; I was fully expecting Juliette Barnes to make a cameo at any moment (God that was a good show, until that awful child emancipation plot-line). I bloody love a bit of overblown country-pop, and what could be more authentic than Dutch country and western.

Did this make it?  Ja ma’am.

Are we surprised? With all the shite coming later tonight, anything even mildly good was going to get through this semi-final.

But will it win? Whether Europe will rate it as much as me - and more than the Cypriot bikini catsuit - I’m not so sure.

Australia

The crowd love love loved this.  For me, it was the Canary Wharf of pop music - clinically hitting everything a pop song/office complex needs, but no real soul at the heart of it.  Let me be clear - my view is a minority one.

Did this make it? 100%.

Are we surprised?  Nope. Oz are still making the most of being a relative novelty and, despite my own personal indifference, this is unmistakably higher quality stuff.

But will it win? Maybe. And a European country gets to host it, if so. (Hey Oz, it’s your old Pommy mates the UK here...)

Georgia

A five voice old man choir, droning on in Georgian. They literally have zero Eurovision fucks to give. 

Did this make it? Hahahahahaha no.

Are we surprised? See above.

Poland

Leather hat, aviator glasses and out of tune electro-pop - completely uninspired, even when they put a doink on it.  It made me miss the Page 3 milkmaids. 

Did this make it? Thank gawd no.

Are we surprised? Poland usually benefit from the diaspora vote, but they must've been like, Jesus, we can’t have our friends and colleagues in our adopted country associate us with that tosh. Put the phone away - we need to keep this on the downlow.

Malta

Another curvy Malteaser lady - whereby “curvy lady” means “normal sized lady”. She’s singing in a box that’s unplugged itself from the Matrix but the connection is poor, so it keeps transforming into a shop’s changing room where a woman is continually revealed dancing in her flesh-coloured M&S bra and pants.  It's a bit embarrassing, but the song is an excellent dance stomper.

Did this make it? Nope.

Are we surprised? Yes!  Especially because...

Hungary

A terrible terrible Gen Z rawk grunge number. I refuse to dwell on this any further.

Did this make it? So I’m told. I don’t accept really this outcome.

Are we surprised? Clearly.

But will it win? *gasps in horror like Mark-Francis being asked to cut grapes without one’s grape scissors*

Latvia

Latvian mega-beauty - and I mean MEGA BEAUTY - does some slightly arrogant (did I mention the mega-beauty-ness?) faux jazz in a smouldering red mullet dress.

Did this make it? Nope.

Are we surprised? Neutral.

Sweden

Billy Bookcase Timberlake meets Reindeer Meatballs Bieber - this is a man with smug eking out his pores, it's even penetrating through his second skin jeggings via an unrelenting bum wiggle.  This isn’t at the Euphoria / Heroes end of the Melodifestivalen scale, but even Sweden's mediocre stuff blows most Eurovij attempts out the water.

Did this make it? And easily.

Are we surprised? Not at all - Sweden failing would be as surprising as Azerbaijan or Russia not making the f... oh.

But will it win? I don't think so, but even I’d throw a vote at this up-himself bastard for a chance to see Petra Mede on hosting duties again.

Montenegro

Well he has an, erm, kind face, so it was a bold choice to try and to try and tap into his sexual charisma with a shiny turquoise rhinestone-effect dress suit.  Our hero is accompanied by a gang of brides or angels or vestal virgins or something – lots of white and feathered shoulder detail.  It’s slow and a bit musical theatre and it’s already forgotten as it’s even being sung.

Did this... I’m not even bothering - no to all of it.

Slovenia

About a minute in, I turned to Mr Cad and asked “is this... grime?” (like he’d know better than me - lolz).  I’ve heard of grime because the millennials in my office discuss it and I once listened to a Radio 4 documentary about the Cardiff grime scene.  Anyway, regardless of the genre, I got well into this, even the entirely staged moment when the music was cut and the Slovenian Lady Grimes had to get the beat back via audience participation with some truly ham-ham acting.  OK, I just realised what this sounds like: The Sesame Street Brush Your Teeth training song. “Grime.” HA!  RIP my youth.

Did this make it?  It's a grimey yes from Europe!

Are we surprised?  Pleasantly so.

But will it win? Top half of the table. (You realise I know nothing and make these predictions up on a whim, right?)

Ukraine

Vampire-ovision. Man rises from giant coffin-piano and emotes like Edward for Bella, if Edward were a Ukrainian man with one white contact lens.

Did this make it?  Yes. Twilight fan faction has a lot of answer for.

Are we surprised? Given the song and performance, yes. Given that it’s Ukrainian Eurovision (long since one of my favourite musical sub-genres - present company excluded), no.

But will it win? Only if the vote comes from the vampire erotica Reddit pages.

That's all folks.  I think we're in for a really good final, Hungary aside, oh my days.  We actually seem to have a few surprisingly good attempts from the Big 5; I was listening to the Eurovision 2018 playlist on Spotify and ran out of skips, so was forced to listen to the German entry in full - it transpires it's an Ed Sheeran's ditty about his love for his parent, which was totes emosh for this here mother.  I then got the French one about the refugee crisis so that was CRYING EMOJI x 100000.  (I drew the line at listening to Belarus again, and turned it off, before discovering it had sent the baby to sleep.)  In terms of winners though, it's Team Cyprus for me, with smatterings of our Nordic buddies Denmark and Holland.  Though I'm now also half won round to the HILARITY of the Irish entry winning with such an atrocious song, but a symbolic dance routine that got the Chinese banned from broadcasting the final.

Let the Euro-joy roll on!

Lisbon 2018 - Semi Final #1

Good evening Lisbon, and all that jazz.  It’s Eurovision Week, and I have two month old baby, so gawd knows what my brain will spew out for y’all.  On the Euro shop floor, Portugal has trotted out four Portuguese lady-lovelies to present proceedings, all of whom have dental veneers that hurt to look at directly, all of whom are called Nelly Furtado, and all of whom have very impressive Sarah Connor Terminator arms, my guess is they're thoroughly toned from fist-fighting over who would be forced to wear the awful electric blue Angelina Jolie meets Quality Street wrapper dress (Nelly Furtado Number Three it turns out).

No Ukranian rapping to open tonight’s show (sad), so let’s get straight to it – great news, as to overrun would be unacceptable to someone who’s bedtime is currently 9pm.

Azerbaijan

If I did a Word Cloud of my blog archives, it would be safe to say that ‘female’, ‘leotard’, ‘wafty’, ‘white’, ‘chiffon’, ‘club’, ‘banger’ and ‘strobes’ would feature very prominently, as they did on the Azeri stage.  They also offered up ‘giant’, ‘triangles’, ‘staging’, ‘glitter’ and ‘the stench of Impulse Body Spray’.  The ‘yoga-position-ography’ was perhaps more niche (I believe they call that Warrior Two, namaste), but this was Eurovision By Numbers, down to a performance that could double as a Bodyform commercial.

Did they make it?  Nah-zerbaijan.

Are we surprised? Yes. The Azaris are Nu-Eurovision stalwarts – but even stalwarts can get screwed by bribing the wrong judges getting a rubbish place in the draw.

Iceland

Full blown boy ballad which I did not hate! *faints*. That doesn’t mean I liked it, of course, but I appear to have a soft spot for an Icelandic slow.  The choice of red polo-neck and white blazer with scarlet shoulder detail was surprising - no nineteen year old man-child should have to don such ridiculous outfits in the name of ceremony, but given what they made us wear for Oxford Matriculation, I’m there with you, man-child. #solidarity. (Am with you too, lady backing singers with unforgiving ombrage gusset.)

Did they make it? No.

Are we surprised? No.

Albania

Whilst the look (goatees, studs, Brian May perm, leather-vested drummer, guitars plural) suggested eighties soft metal, listen closely and it was a Manic Street Preacher fronting a Del Amitri backing track.  In Albanian.  

Did they make it?  Albania are indeed one of our finalists.

Are we surprised?  Hugely!  But lest we forget, Del Amitri were an underrated but stealthily popular band.  And that was without a leather vested drummer to propel them upwards.
But will they win? Guys. No.

Belgium

More nineties vintage (it kills me that that’s a thing), as a waify Belgian Manic Pixie Girl does a Portishead knock off - course even third rate Portishead is better than most Eurovision, so well done Belgium.  There was a lot of chiffon over bra-less top half going on and I feared a wardrobe malfunction, but strategically placed hair and velvet covered the relevant bases.

Did they make it?  Sadly no.

Are we surprised?  A little.  It was a good tune, but the live was a bit, um, forced.

Czech Republic

Brace yourselves Europe, this is the first in a series of acts who have gone full kitchen sink and thrown everything at their entry.  In this case, Cocky Czech Boy dressed full twat (and ready to bully Poloneck Iceland) in bow tie, braces, glasses, cropped pants and little red leather ruck-sack.  CCB proceeds to merrily sing of infidelity, sperm and penii (props for “I know you bop-whop-a-lu on his wood bamboo”), whilst his two spoddy mates in shell suits do the whitest boy breakdance moves all to a sax (I said sAx) riff.  All this whilst CCB alternates between rapping about wood bamboo and imitating some New Jack Swing FROM THE NINETIES OH MY GOD THE NINETIES AGAIN IS THIS AN AGREED THEME SURELY IT MUST BE IT CAN’T JUST BE THAT ALL MY REFERENCES ARE FROM THE NINETIES BECAUSE I’M PUSHING 40 AND THE NINETIES WAS WHEN I LAST TOOK A GENERAL INTEREST IN POP MUSIC THAT’S NOT EUROVISION AND... Oh shit.)

Did they make it? Obviously - one of the dance moves was taking off the rucksack and putting it on again.

Are we surprised? They used Vanilla Ice as a major cultural reference, so what do you think?
But will they win? I wouldn't bet against it.  (Wouldn't bet on it, either, mind.)

Lithuania

Earnest little Lithuanian lovely, in archetypal peach bridesmaid's dress, singing an earnest little lovely song, at the end of which she gets to snog a boy on a bridge.  Or so my notes say – I remember very little of it TBH.

Did they make it? Yup – it seems Europe loves a (nineties?!?) romcom.

Are we surprised?  It was all rather touching, so I guess not.
But will they win?  Not an impossibility.

*** At this point in the BBC show, Scott Miles interviews the composer of the Moldovan entry and it’s unexpectedly excellent.  Worth an iPlayer, for I have no idea how to possibly describe it. ***

Israel

If you thought the Czech Rep had everything... well get ready to think again.  This ‘everything’ is what you get when you combine hints of Verka, Bjork, Ed Sheeran, Nicki Minaj, manga, plus size modelling, catsuits, giant sleeves, double buns. the Chicken Song arms, super hero boots, Dragon Castle on the Walworth Road, shouting (so much shouting), a word that sounds almost exactly like ‘motherfucker’ but apparently isn’t the word motherfucker, and an ongoing alarm sound that will drill your brain for the rest of the evening.  Clearly Israel are DESPERATE to win this again and it’s driven them to Carrie Mathison listening to jazz with a bottle of white wine in her system levels of crazy.

Did they make it?  Durrrrr – of course they did.

Are we surprised?  Not in the slightest.
But will they win?  It's a bit too much for Europe I think.

Belarus

On the plus side, this had quite a good performance from the dancing lady emoji.  On the downside, the focal point was a heap of rubbish red rose imagery which culminated in the male singer ripping open his shirt to reveal a bed of roses growing out of his bare back.  It looked both overwhelmingly fake and highly repulsive.  Even the most ardent schlock horror fan would have been all Bye, Felicia on this one.

Did they make it?  Clearly not.

Are we surprised?  Clearly not.

Estonia

Elevating lighty-uppy dresses accompanied by big lady lungs are nothing new, but this is the lightyiest-uppyiest dress so far.  Vorsprung Durch Technik, right?  The lighting effects were pretty impressive though - they started by projecting a Disney’s Frozen bedspread on to her skirt and went via ‘oil spill’ and ‘lit matches’ to ‘huge waves of gushing red’, which... on a skirt... is brave.  The song?  A popera snoozefest.

Did they make it?  I had to double-check, but yes.

Are we surprised?  Kinda.  But Big Skirt Big Lungs is an ever popular combo so it turns out.
But will they win? Nope.

Bulgaria

Experimental theatre meets alien abduction - all lasers, ‘tude and entirely black outfits, including some chunky old knitwear must have been less than fragrant given the temperatures. There are four men on stage, with varying degrees of attractiveness, but they are mere Sleeperblokes to main lady’s giant Sia wig and ‘I’ve led a life of whisky drinking’ melty-face.  What she lacks in facial smoothness, she makes up for in shoulder pads, talons and alpha female intimidation.  The song is one of those electro-goth numbers that some parts of south-eastern Europe go mad for and inevitably get through to the final, in spite of my own personal apathy on the matter.

Did they make it?  It inevitably got through.

Are we surprised?  No, despite my own personal apathy on the matter.
But will they win? I struggle to see it victorious.

FYR Macedonia

Terrible cod reggae morphing into terrible cod disco from a woman wearing Bridget Joneses and a fuchsia blazer turned backwards – someone took heed to listen to ‘the boobs or legs’ advice.  Oh wait, no they didn’t – she’s now stripped to a chainmail top with discernible pendulousness.

Did they make it?  That would be a no.

Are we surprised?  Did you read my description?

Croatia

Mr Cad thought she had something of the Melania about her and I don’t disagree.  Certainly the fashion choice – black lace body suit with side pelmet and oversized mirkin detail – was, how to say, experimental – though not in that Michael Jackson / Republican Stepford Fembot fake Melania generally goes for.  Oh crikey, Croatian FLOTUS is now unexpectedly rapping, before going back to some musical droning about horses and roses in the rain.  This is... not good.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  No.

Austria

Hot guy in PVC patched jumper on a raised rig sings – brace yourselves – a competent pop ditty.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s no Euphoria, but I’d jig at least one shoulder to this if it came on the car radio.

Did they make it?  Yes!

Are we surprised?  Yes!  Well done Europe.
But will they win?  In a very poor year, perhaps.  Probably not this time though.

Greece

White dress, big hair, wind machine, panpipe action, fire fountains, big drums, making you wait for the beat to drop: this was basically every Greek entry for the past twenty years.  But every Greek entry is every Greek entry for the past twenty years, so you know...

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  I’m always astounded by a Grecian failure, even when it’s sub-par.  Booo - it’s not proper Eurovision without the Cypriot-Greek douze points mutual appreciation society appearance in the final.

Finland

Well if you thought Israel had everything... Think again suckers!  Finland are on, and they're bringing smeared eyeliner, a Croydon facelift, actual singing on a 360 spinning wheel, backing dancers crawling through smoke then sashay-away-ing in Gestapo-gloved outfits with leatherette detail, proper choon banger about Monsters... and that was just Minute 1.  More of the same through Minutes 2 and 3 (why mess), culminating in our Finnish diva brandishing an ejaculating fire cracker and radiating triumph.  This. Was. Excellent.

Did they make it?  And then some.

Are we surprised?  The girl hit the big notes whilst spinning upside down - this was an inevitability.
But will they win?  I'm tempted to think it could happen.

Armenia

Horsemeat Disco Bear wailing and emoting in (more) chunky knitwear; apparently black woolly jumpers are a new Eurovision theme.  I didn’t have money on Scandi Noir practicality meets goth vibes, but there you go.  It’s like monkeys and Shakespeare I guess – all fashion looks will make an appearance sooner or later.  It's just maths.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Could’ve gone either way, frankly. Not from a quality point of view, you understand.

Switzerland

Steven Tyler in Swiss Miss form (She-ven Tyler, if you will).  Yup, we’re back to the nineties.  Wide brimmed hat: check.  World’s tightest trousers: check.  Toned midriff of enviable proportions: check.  Microphone stand covered in scarves which gets dragged around the stage but is never actually used for the mic: check.  Obviously this was pretty terrible, but we did also get 'catchy old tune which will stick in your head for quite some time to come': check.  My surprise guilty pleasure, as it turns out.

Did they make it?  Nein / non / no.

Are we surprised?  Nein / non / no.

Ireland

Instantly forgettable pop song preformed by clean-cut boy on acoustic guitar, convent-collared girl on piano, and two very nice young dancing men who seem to be really rather good friends indeed.  Like, suspiciously good friends... Perhaps friends who enjoy each others wood bamboo.  The choreography / gay love story was a shameless attempt to pull in the gay vote really lovely and sweet, but here’s the thing - none of us should have to listen to that song again.  Fortunately that’s obviously not a problem as there’s no way something that turgid is getting through.

Did they make it?  Of course they didn.. WHAT? IT’S THROUGH? ARE YOU... *redacted*.  

Are we surprised?  WE ARE.
But will they win?  I mean, puh-leaze.

Cyprus

So Israel out-everything-ed the Czech Republic, then Finland out-everything-ed Israel, and we thought that was that, but here come Cyprus, out-everything-ing everything with pure, sheer amazing everything everythingness. Simply extraordinary Cypriot work: Beyonce Barbie (and her Destiny Minions) in a multi-coloured sprayed-on bejewelled bikini catsuit, shaking her beautiful split ends, gyrating and singing and gyrating and singing and gyrating and singing, spitting out lyrics about highs, fires, and pelicans fly fly flying (yup, really).  The energy levels were only achievable by miming and/or cocaine something else.  Just immense.  Helsinki 2019 is looking a distant memory already.

Did they make it?  Can you even IMAGINE if Ireland had got through and this hadn’t?  Yes yes yes, clearly yes.

Are we surprised?  WE ARE NOT.
But will they win? Hottest tip of the night.

And that's all for now - I'm off to bed a little peeved, as the show overran to an unacceptable a few minutes after 10pm UK time.  I'm not as peeved as Jon Ola Sand - no wonder Portugal weren't allowed to win for forty years.