2024 Speed preview – SF #2

Mamma mia, here we go again. I actually found SF1 a bit muted – is this an open year or one of limited quality?  At least the results were joyfully incomprehensible, as if we’d have it any other way. Basically, it’s good news if you’re bringing the crazeballs, a girl bop danceathon or a absolute dirge wailfest. 

 

So on that note, well done to Serbia (bodystocking ballad), Portugal (white corset ballad), Slovenia (rags on a rock ballad), Ukraine (epic choral cracker), Lithuania (hipster electro), Finland (actual arse but I can’t deny it’s growing on me, SORRY), Cyprus (Britney-esque teen pop), Croatia (folk nu-metal joy), Ireland (occult bikini sacrifice) and Luxembourg (woman in bouncy pig-tales).

 

Bad luck and au revoir to Poland (latex chess Gaga), Iceland (Huns Unite), Moldova (Botox ballad), Azerbaijan (moustache?? ballad) and Australia - indeed g’bye to Oz most of all. It’s not a proper European Song Competition without Australia on the stage.

 

And what do we have in store tonight? Well, extensive use of anti-booing technology I suspect. Maybe you’ve missed the calls to boycott Malmö 2024 because of Israel’s participation, but they’ve been coming from some quarters and it’s been much discussed by the fandom. Of course there’ll be some who chose not to attend the contest this year, and I read of ticket sales being down from fully sold out to a handful left. But for most a boycott simply means not turning the telly on, so it will be interesting to see if the ratings are impacted. To me, the boycott feels very online, whereas I suspect the Saturday night TV show sits firmly in the mainstream, watched and enjoyed by those who somehow manage to get by without an Instagram account to put the world to rights.

Anyway, a silly little blog I churn out once a year for a handful of interested mates doesn’t feel like the place to get into (quoting a wise friend) “an utterly hopeless situation which will outlive us all”, but here’s a podcast on the for and against of a boycott, which I found really interesting. And here’s where you can donate to Medicins Sans Frontier or Save The Children. 

Now then, shall we do a seamless One Show pivot towards tonight’s performances?

 

Malta

Bodystockings a go-go this year – in girl bop form here, with extra spangle, frantic dance break and inexplicable blindfold interlude.

 

Albania

Can something be anthemic but still extremely boring? Apparently so, despite the efforts of a mirror ball cropped trouser suit. On a separate note, wow do the women of the Balkans like an ouchy looking lip pump.

 

Greece

Little bit of urban, little bit of ethno horn, little bit of RnB, little bit of metallic puffball skirt. The chorus "ta ta ta ta something something something" (all Greek to me) hasn't left my head. High hopes and very large girl crush over here.

 

Switzerland

Another genre smash and another bookies' favourite – experimental stuff but not inaccessible. They've also done their Eurovision homework: the G0-A Fraggle Coat but in pink, the hamster spinning wheel in disk form, the sad Swiss boy ballad but happy. It's opera, it’s rap, it’s electro, it’s… really quite impressive.

 

Czechia

The nineties/noughties cusp revival continues with some skater boi girl pop, with added Gen Z manifesting and severe fringe work.

 

France

Handsome man with lungs so enorme he can stand a few metres away from the mic, whilst his shirt billows, the smoke swirls and the chanson-francaise francaises. The juries are gonna cream themselves.

 

Austria

I was an indie kid in the nineties, but no amount of Britpop can scratch the nostalgic joy itch like N-Trance’s Set You Free. There is no subtilty anywhere near their song, called We Will Rave. And we will do exactly that, provided her vocals are up to the task (her metallic leotard certainly is).

 

Denmark

The memo said “formalwear” and the stylist wasn’t sure if that was gowns’n’gloves or corporate business attire – so mixed both, in starchy white. The staging needed waaaay more to cut through - you can’t be epic by staying in the Radio 2 lane. (That’s only half a diss by the way - MOR pop has its place, unless it's the Lighthouse Family.)

 

Armenia

Sweet, catchy, folksy, national dress stuff. Or at least I assume so – it’s a Bollywood slash Cherokee Nation and the main word association I have with “Armenia” is “The Kardashians”, which this... isn't.

 

Lativa

Moby meets Imagine Dragons but without the toxic masculinity vibes.

 

Spain

Musically, this is pure Sabrina/Sam Fox beach disco era, but the touch me boys boys sea sex and sun message has also aged into its fifties and our bleach-haired cougar chanteuse is throwing out some pointed references about a little something called Patriarchy. Get your subtitles out for the lads.

 

San Marino

Manga sweet shop bunny nightmare.

 

Georgia

Lamé and fire. More dance breaks. At this point we're probably running out of girl bop themes, but I'm not sure we've had a tribute to the Fire Service before (sadly missed opportunity for helmet and hose-ography).

 

Belgium

“BEFORE THE PARTY’S OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVERRRRRRRRRRR”. This has a screamable chant worthy of Mr Brightside audience participation, but the song doesn’t get going until the closing bars. Anticipation doesn’t really work if you’re not paying attention during the build up.

 

Estonia

Trad music group and contemporary hip hop crew engage in a dance battle. The rap lot have youth on their side, but the trad musicians are armed with sizeable wooden musical instruments, including a box accordion. No-one wants to take one of those to the head.

 

Italy

Impossibly cool twenty-something (who is called Angelina Mango – MANGO! I stan!) struts around singing “boredom boredom” over a beat and Spanish guitar. I appreciate that sounds shit, but this is one of my/the favourites.

 

Israel

Emotive and rather tuneful ballad. But then so was Russia’s A Million Voices. I'll leave it there, I think, or here.

 

Norway

Shrieky goth-folk a la Bjork, with a Courtney Love-esque black widow dress and an array of Norwegian Sleeperblokes knocking around the back, truly our descent into the nineties is complete.

 

Netherlands

Novelty techno in EU Blue shoulder-pads, golden mullet and imbecilic expression. It may sound like a comedy Dutch rap listing the countries of Europe and their national dishes, but there’s a whole therapy session about bereavement hidden in the slapstick.

And there we go. Finito!  Ten more through tonight, with Italy, France and Spain making it direct. Time to prep the snack tray, mes amis. See you on the other side.

2024 Speed preview – SF #1

And lo, it is that time. It's been a muted pre-season, with calls for a boycott, but here we are nonetheless. It's nearly time for Eurovision 2024, in Malmerughhhhhhhhhh. And who's fighting out Tuesday's semi? Well, not the UK, Germany and Sweden, who have paid/won their way direct to the Grand Final already, but are getting a chance to perform during the SFs this year (to see if there's any knock on effect to their fates come the weekend).  The others though are at the mercy of Europe's musical tastes. CONTENDERS READY!

Cyprus

Cyprus bringing out a lithe beauty doing high NRG girl pop and dance routine? Shocker.

Serbia

A break from Serbia’s trademark high concept performance art in favour of wind-bag dirge. (I think we can all agree this is a downgrade on a spa full of PVC nurses/monks clapping or Van Helsing and Spandau Ballet in The Matrix.)

 

Lithuania

Artsy lo-fi electro muzak. I couldn’t work out who the singer looked like, then realised it was the guy from the Wimbledon Hobbycraft Padam TikTok. (Appols to be so niche, but I’ve not much else to say here.)

Ireland

Whimsy witchy nightmare horror (75% screaming and fake contact lenses, 25% balletic musical theatre interludes).

UK

Distressed vest boxing match homoeroticism from a bona fide popstar. (Am just a bit worried about pre-Watershed scheduling/Ofcom's inbox. And the high notes.)

Ukraine

Overblown choral hip hop ode to Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary. Slava Ukraini! A triumph.

Poland

Inoffensive pop with Gaga-lite (even Gaga-lite-lite) performance vibes and one catchy hook which will crawl into your body like threadworms.

  

Croatia

Knitted balaclavas meets national dress meets nu-metal meets deliberately(?) bad lyrics meets cat memes. The bookies’ favourite.

Iceland

Eurovision Royalty in spangly you ok hun Mumpsuit. But even a veteran can’t lift this church hall aerobics soundtrack. (To be clear – that’s a diss on the song and not church hall aerobics – let’s grapevine, girls.)

Germany

Germany can be glad of the automatic qual given that Europe rarely votes for a beer-bellied young man with low charisma, however radio friendly and competently sung their offering might be.

Slovenia

Mother of Dragons bleach job does high-frequency wailing in a sheer body stocking and Victoria's Secret secret pants. There's either an orgy or a sacrifice going on here - possibly both.

Finland

Mullet man bares saggy bare arse whilst emerging from a giant egg. Song, circa Magaluf 95, is of similar ethos and quality. We’re a long way from Cha Cha Cha.

Moldova

Another downgrade from the usual trademark (of raucous horn and pipe rock from veterans in knitted hats), this time pivoting to white Shein prom dress, LED angel wings, operatic pipes and an e-violin. Pfff.

Sweden

ChatGPT neglected to spend much time on the lyrics, but “design an archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era”* has everything else you’d expect: grinding baseline, Olympic choreo and tried and tested laser show. But… plot-twist: performed by twins. (They seem delightful but I can't shake the ick.)

Azerbaijan

Wailing in a jumpsuit and... Actually, I retained nothing about this, other than he may or may not be sporting a moustache. So, in short, I retained nothing.

Australia

The budget went on a high-end milliner and a digeridoo, but there’s a catchy hook in there somewhere. I won’t begrudge lovely white sculpted headwear, or a large wooden tube/circular breathing.

 

Portugal

"We’re Portugal, of course we’re sending a young woman wailing in white, hints of fado, hipster and melancholy, who'll crash out in the semi final."

Luxembourg

My last interaction with the Grand Duchy’s music scene was Brian from Placebo. This, an actual woman in pig-tales forcing out a Frenglish spritely pop number over some ethnic piping isn’t *quite* what I was expecting. But welcome back anyway Le Luxembourg.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand that's your lot, with just ten who can go through to Saturday's final, excluding the auto-quals. It's 100% televote, so we must place our trust in the plebs of Europe, rather than the "music professionals'" who'll get to influence Saturday's final.  Pure TV viewership voting will benefit the jokey likes of Finland and Croatia, and make it a harder path for the big-voiced ballads. But so long as Ukraine make it (and they will), I don't really mind - though I'd be secretly pleased to see Hera from Iceland and her tasselled jumpsuit get through.

 

*And finally, for a laff, I  just asked ChatGPT to “describe an archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era”, and it said:

 

“An archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era often embodies a sleek and polished presentation, blending catchy pop melodies with impeccable stage production. Here's how it might unfold:

 

Song: The song would likely be an upbeat pop anthem with an infectious chorus that sticks in your head long after the performance ends. It would be expertly crafted to appeal to a broad international audience, with a mix of English and perhaps some Swedish lyrics for authenticity.

 

Performance: The performance would feature slick choreography, with perfectly synchronized dancers complementing the charismatic lead singer. The stage would be adorned with eye-catching visuals, possibly incorporating advanced lighting effects or LED screens to enhance the overall impact.

 

Costumes: The performers would be dressed in stylish yet understated outfits, showcasing Scandinavian chic with a modern twist. The costumes would be carefully coordinated to complement the song and the overall aesthetic of the performance.

 

Stage Presence: The lead singer would exude confidence and charm, effortlessly engaging the audience and conveying the emotion of the song. There would be a sense of professionalism and precision to the performance, reflecting Sweden's reputation for excellence in music and entertainment.

 

Catchiness: Above all, the song would be irresistibly catchy, inviting viewers to dance along and sing along from the very first listen. It would have that special quality that makes it stand out from the competition and leaves a lasting impression long after the Eurovision festivities are over.

 

Overall, an archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era would be a masterclass in pop music and entertainment, showcasing the best of Swedish talent and creativity on the international stage.”

 

So that's extremely accurate and terrifying. BRB, just going to feed the other nations into ChatGPT now. Here's hoping our tech overlords love Eurovision. A jeudi.

Liverpool 2023 – Semi Final #2

Denmark

Breaking My Heart – Reiley

 

A highly catchy, radio friendly, quirky falsetto (but very commercial) electro-pop ditty - and the record itself sounds great! But, here’s the familiar tell – I’m more interested in telling you about singer Reiley’s hair (flawless curly girl method, so mahogany, so shiny, so soft) than how it went. Which was badly. The whole live singing thing was a painful strain and no-one wants to see a porcelain cheek-boned child be humiliated on stage (never mind that Reiley is a 25 year old man with a billion TikTok followers and a fantabulous hairdresser). It didn’t help that our beautifully coiffed manboy was dressed head to toe in rhinestone candyfloss, or that they’d staged it in a soulless immersive selfie venue, a series of saccharine rooms full of neon hearts and balloons, designed for Instagram, iPhone cameras and the perfect chin meets lighting angle. What a frustrating waste.

 

Did this make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  At least we can now pretend it only ever existed as a pre-record.

 

Armenia

Future Lover - Brunette

 

Phase 1: I’m Just A Sensitive Young Girl. Luscious colours, swirly reflections and trippy oil paints on the giant screens (very BBC2 channel ident). Musically, soft, slow, plinky plonky piano.

Phase 2: Angry Female Empowerment! Club strobes and bold monochrome silhouettes!  Forceful stances!  Shouty and bassy and dark and full of dramz!

Phase 3: Dance Break. More from da club, plus added smoke machine, and a complete side eye to Israel’s overly strenuous Zumba Breakdance routine (Brunette’s belly dancing hips > Noa’s strip show caterpillar).

Phase 4 (yup FOUR): Variation on 2, but with nods to 1 and 3. Textbook big voice emoting for the grand finale.

And all of this on a tilted stage from a stone cold fox.  Top of the class for the big screen use – really excellent projections I’d pay good money to see at Tate (or at one of those immersive selfie places shhhh).

 

Did this make it?  Yes

Are we surprised?  Reading back, I’ve absolutely overemphasized Armenia’s impact, as I have no recollection of the tune whatsoever. Great staging, but overall middling to fine.

 

Romania

D.G.T. (Off and On) - Theodor Andrei

 

This year’s theme is Corporate Barbie Pink Suits for Gen Z Kens, and choreo which involves laying down on the floor and writhing in the projections. (Let’s not dwell on the hygiene implications, eh?) Theodor ticks off both themes in the first ten seconds, donning pink bermuda chinos, whilst a lovely CGI lady is projected on the floor, floating in a CGI pool of blood and straddling a CGI guitar.  Yer man’s got a pleasant enough husky voice, but this is a tepid forgettable rock waltz, which is not improved by the appearance of the CGI lady IRL who inexplicably proceeds to smear a dark substance across Theo’s naked chest. At best it’s supposed to be A Stop Oil Protest comparing Theo's art to Van Gogh's Sunflowers, at worst it’s [redacted]

 

Did this make it?  Twas shit.

Are we surprised?  No, we are not.

 

Estonia

Bridges - Alika

 

More Gen Z suit action – they can’t get enough of polyester business-wear, can they?  This time it’s a shade of blue/lavender which looks lovely on my wisteria (brag), but isn’t great on a shoulder pad jumpsuit with hole punch belt detail and big old trouser cape flares (actually it does look good on the cape flares).  Young Alika’s got a huge old voice the juries will love but also a self-playing grand piano which sits towards the creepy end of things. For the avoidance of doubt, things pianos at Eurovision should do are: 1. have a vampire appear from them, 2. be double, 3. catch on fire.  My ballad feelings are well documented – sometimes they get me, but mostly they don’t do it for me.  This one leaves me ultimately unmoved.

 

Did this make it?  And that's a yes.

Are we surprised?  PhDs will be dedicated to why this unremarkable but ok ballad made it through and some of the other ok but unremarkable ballads did not.

 

Belgium

Because of You - Gustaph

 

It’s hard to say whether Belgium was a joyful burst of energy in and of itself, or because it followed four somewhat meh entries. But this was a banger – specifically a nineties house banger, which could easily be slipped into a mix of Finally, Show Me Love or Free and sound solidly, authentically, of that time.  Singing duties were performed by the lovely Gustaph - a Botox-heavy, red-eyed, aging Belgian man (actually/allegedly two whole years younger than me) in a giant panning for gold hat and – yup – another pink suit.  But before you accuse our Gustaph of trying to fit into the Gen Z version of Rose Pour Homme, please note his suit trousers were of the tailored chaps meet pantaloon variety.

 

Did this make it?  OUI!

Are we surprised?  Feelgood cheese for miles.

 

Cyprus

Break a Broken Heart - Andrew Lambrou

 

The main takeaway from this dramatic, emoting, woah woah woah-ing, actual use of fire on stage, brooding, heartfelt male ballad? 

Andrew Lambrou’s absolutely giant arms.

 

Did this make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  What an *extraordinarily* well constructed man Andrew...  What’s that?  Oh yes, sure, sure, good song, good voice etc etc.

 

Iceland

Power - Diljá

 

Drum and bass flavoured scandipop from an ice white blonde, with Buffalo footwear and Spice Girl karate kicks.  It’s an absolute earworm of a song, all about female independence, which should be so up my strasse you’d expect it to be my actual house (covered in wisteria, did I mention), but doesn’t quite land somehow. Maybe Dilja's performance was a bit too frenzied and intense.  Or perhaps I didn’t care for yet another boxy suit blazer (this time with a grey metallic sheen) or more floor writhing (landing with a concussion thunk Rylan had to warn us was intentional).

 

Did this make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  It was by no means one of the five worst tonight, but something was definitely lacking.

             

Greece

What They Say - Victor Vernicos

 

Poor Victor – only sweet 16, and dressed in flesh beige ranger gear like the Eurovision ghost of Steve Irwin (RIP). Victor’s nerves maybe got the better of him – he was frantically bopping and moshing around to what was a mid-tempo boy band-esque number with limited build up and resolution.  The whole thing looked a bit unbalanced and off.  Hopefully being 16 and at Eurovision was prize enough. 

 

Did this make it?  No

Are we surprised?  No.

             

Poland

Solo - Blanka

 

And why not take the pre-programmed synthesiser reggae beat of Ace of Bass as a musical reference and throw in a leggy Polish gal with influencer looks, who more or less manages to keep her unremarkable voice in tune *and* offers up some hairography salsa with a high kick to her nostrils? This was very much the Malibu and Coke, gel nails and Hollyoaks of Eurovision – as my friend Beth commented, it’s serving basic bitch and we are here for it.

 

Did this make it? Hahahaha - yes

Are we surprised?  Stick mediocre pop in a mediocre crowd and we all get bedazzled by legs, contouring and Invisalign.

             

Slovenia

Carpe Diem - Joker Out

 

Oh ello, is that a funky bass line I spy, with a bit of guitar twanging, and enthusiastic bashing of the high hat?  This is a rare old thing – a charismatic indie pop band balancing the fine line between cheese and charm, ironic winks and sheer enjoyment, right down to lining up on stage in the closing bars, abandoning all pretence that there’s anything live about the backing track, and taking a charming group bow.

 

Did this make it? Yes!!!!!

Are we surprised?  Delighted!

  

Georgia

Echo - Iru

 

Greek goddess sacrificial bikini gown, with half of Claire’s Accessories pearls bin stuck to her face, and someone FINALLY cranking out the wind machine.  I actually really liked this – hints of ethno panpipe, military drums and pared back electro, with lots of dramatic soprano wailing and shouting, including some sort of fast murmuring scat singing which seemed to go “chickalicka lala lala louleh lough lough jing ge oh jine ge oh”.

 

Did this make it?  Sadly no.

Are we surprised?  I can’t say it was *robbed* as the rejection didn’t rise to travesty heights, but I wouldn’t have put Iru bottom five myself.  She was great.

  

San Marino

Like An Animal - Piqued Jacks

 

“C'mon baby, come and find me / I can smell you like an animal.

Bring the party, Aphrodite, and I'll tease you on the dancefloor.”

 

Lads – can I have a quiet word about this thing called Hashtag Me Too?

 

Did this make it?  Obviously not

Are we surprised?  We are not.

 

Austria

Who The Hell Is Edgar? - Teya & Salena

 

On the face of it, disposable novelty pop from a random couple of Austrian birds doing silly faces and fake choral singing, 90% of which is the repeated sound of “Po Po Po Po” (AKA the word “bum” in German).  But this is actually an outrageously catchy pop song and biting satire about the music industry and the shittiness of trying to generate earnings from Spotify in particular.  The live version was always going to be quite a hard transition from an extremely well produced music video - more easily able to convey the social commentary angle, add an eerie nod to the weirdness of Poe himself, and beef up the choral bit with, like, an actual choir.  But Teya and Salena have slick live voices, nail some very tight harmonies, show bags of swag, and, in Salena’s case, have donned the highest platform boots I have ever, and will ever, see. Icons both.

 

Did this make it? 100% 

Are we surprised? No no no no no etc.

           

Albania

Duje - Albina & Familja Kelmendi

 

The lead singer, a young woman with a big voice, has roped her literal family into this, and if that’s not a dream I can aspire to – my sons forming a successful band and inviting me on stage to sing with them at Eurovision in my sixties – then what is the point of ANYTHING?  We’re also now on number three of three in a row where the staging and lights are themed red and black. Yawn. Whilst the songs could not have been more different (#MeToo #PoePoePoe #MumDoesEurovision) it might have been nice for one of those acts to offer up a slightly different colour palette (looking at you San Marino - it would have made no difference to the artistic output of whatever that was).  Albania’s artistic output here is clear - local trad, minor chords and mucho yowling, but I do want to linger on the lead singer’s outfit – traditional too, in a way, with a twist of shiny lycra flares/upper thigh cut outs, American Football shoulder pads decorated in coins and bronze and Heavyweight Champion of the World belt detail, half Star Trek, half Game of Thrones, all very... something.

 

Did this make it? Yes!

Are we surprised? Mummy is SO PROUD.

  

Lithuania

Stay - Monika Linkytė

 

It starts off with Monika in firm heartbreak ballad territory and I was all ready to curl my lip and roll my eyes. But then we got a lovely blast of harmonies from Monika’s girls and some rather catchy upbeat chorus action, as they all sang together in a pleasing circle which radiated female friendship and warmth.  Though….. circle time did also highlight the stark contrast between Monika’s lovely sixties orange mini dress, and the black manmade fibre gentlemen’s shirts and slacks bulk-bought for her girlfriends/backing singers, which did nothing to enhance their wares and everything to make them look like Monica’s dowdy hangers on, cut price employees.  That lewk I did not care for - the chorus would be nothing without the altos THANK YOU. Time to glow your backers up, Lithuanian delegation.

 

Did this make it? Oh look, it did!

Are we surprised?  They’ve now got all of Friday to pop out to Liverpool ONE and purchase some better fitting garb for the whole lady crew. Bin the shirts.

 

Australia

Promise – Voyager

 

This is potentially Australia’s last year with us, which is MAD, and I will personally start the petition for them to stay, if I ever manage to actually finish this eye-wateringly long blog post.  They remain a brilliant Eurovision nation, with another cracker in front of us – a band of veteran rockers marrying eighties electric neon with heavy metal rock guitar and even fleeting moments of terrifying thrash.  Every single member of the band was into it and up for it – standing drums, legs akimbo guitar solo, some Status Quo-inspired instrument-oregraphy, and, that evergreen favourite, the joyful silliness of the keytar.  Camp, catchy, overblown, polished. AND an onstage car. Bravo Oz.

 

Did this make it? YES MATE.

Are we surprised? NAH MATE.

 

And we are done! Boom.  It wasn’t a quality semi final, but it had its moments.  Saturday calls now children.  Have a good one lovelies.  See you soon.