Kiev 2017 - Semi final #2

So tonight's Operation Toddler To Sleep Before 8pm (code name: Operation Keychange) was less of a success, as was Operation Remember To Bring The Headphones Upstairs Beforehand.  At 8.01 there was still a fair amount of cot-based chatting ("milk, panda, bus, Mummy, milk please') and irresistible attempts to manipulate by offering kisses through the cot bars *heart eyes emoji*.  Anyway, it turns out that the dulcet tones of Mel and Scott squeaking out of an iPhone on volume setting 1 were perfect for a two year to drift off to sleep to.  Certainly more effective than Ewan the Dream Sheep (he's totally lost his touch). Result! And it's important to introduce small children to culture as early as possible, isn’t it?

And who could argue that such culture doesn't include a flute and accordion reprise of Euphoria and cossack-dancing to My Number 1, which I loved far more than I should have.  I’m totally pro this general opening concept - traditional instruments performing classic Eurovij covers with accompanying dance in national dress.  If we ever win it (*dies laughing*), I can’t think of a better concept than some Morris Dancers, a Welsh male voice choir and some kilt-ed bagpipers involving themselves in a version of Oooh A Just A Little Bit.

What else to report before we get on with the show?  Vulva’s back and someone’s sicked an embroidered flower on his suit.  OMG, it seems that’s it!  No Ukrainian pop to bother our senses?  Let’s crack on then…

Serbia

And let white dress watch commence!   You can’t move for them this year, especially with a see-through bridal twist, like Serbia here are offering - it’s basically part wedding dress, part synchronised swimming outfit – pearls, billowing sleeves, and white chiffon, atop a simple lady-Speedo.  Throw in a topless man in white pyjama bottoms writhing over some water graphics and you’re there.

Did they make it?   It's a no from Europe.

Are we surprised?  Curse of first.  It was certainly no worse than some of the drivel we were subjected to tonight.

Austria

Well there was a giant moon on stage, but not the buttocks kind, sadly.  Basically a perky stage school graduate perked his perky way through a perky pop ditty.  In equal parts catchy and irritating.

Did they make it?  Yes

Are we surprised?  Every year a jaunty piece of indie pop scrapes through - here's 2017's.

FYR Macedonia

We haven’t talked much about the introductory vignettes, have we?  That’s because zzzzzzz – disappointingly unweird.  But FYR Macedonia decided to use theirs to make clear that whilst their singer might SEEM fat, she's actually totes preggers!  And good on her for squeezing into black spangled Bridget Jones knickers and faux suede thigh highs whilst jiggling to girl-pop electro.  Shame she was MIMING.  I swear - there was barely any sync between her mouth opening and the sound of lady singing.  Don’t get me wrong, the first trimester brings a tiredness you have never known and you can’t even have coffee, but still...  Now rest up and get ready – you’re about to endure several years of zero sleep and the brink of divorce experience a miracle of love you have never ever known.

Did they make it?  No

Are we surprised? Not after mime-gate.

Malta 

To be honest, most of the descriptions for this year's acts could go “bridal-esque white dress / pearl decor encasing generous bosom / smoke and/or wind machine / competent big voice / pop song/ballad that makes me go zzzzzzzzzzzzz”.  This one is no exception, but we expect more from our Maltesers.  They're a Eurovision mainstay.

Did they make it?  No!

Are we surprised?  Hugely!  A big voiced Maltese diva belting out an overly-emotional ballad?  Erstwhile Eurovision catnip...

Romania

Sexy yodelling.  Who knew?  But thank Gawd for a gimmick at this point in the evening – and I’m not even on about the yodelling, as they’ve got two silver cannons on stage for no reason whatsoever.  Ridiculous but somehow charming.  #teamyodel

Did they make it?  Yodel-a-hi-ho!  Yes they did.

Are we surprised?  Not really; yodeling and cannons cover a lot of interest bases.

Holland

You know that song Hold On by Wilson Phillips?  Well that.  EXACTLY that.  Down to the family connection, luscious harmonizing, and lyrics complied from a Google search for “inspirational slogans”.  I do wish I’d been present for wardrobe negotiations as these three Dutch sisters argued over three variations on the ‘let me just pour myself into this skintight black rhinestone number no I will not go up a size we can definitely get this zip up just pull harder you stupid bitch pull pull PULL’.  I reckon they were all after the jumpsuit – you could tell by the extra smugness on the jumpsuit-wearer’s face.    

Did they make it?  Yes

Are we surprised?  Maybe a little, but Hold On is a cracking pop number.

Hungary

Darius has let himself go since he moved to Budapest, I note. (Boom! Check out my noughties' reference.)  I always appreciate men's fashion at Eurovision and this is a fine eclectic stab: blue accountant shirt and jeans, under a military dress waistcoat, brass-buttoned leather jacket and particularly dashing knee-length Herr Flick boots.  Think marching band practice on dress-down Friday.  Clearly Darius also wanted a man bun but his hair wasn’t quite long enough, so they had to loop it into what I'm terming a hipster comb-over.  At least his bessies, a gypsy belly dancer and gyrating violin lady, were there in support as he mumbled out a rap to an ethno beat, whilst playing a milk jug (for realz). 

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Kinda, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, and so did Europe, clearly.

Denmark

Blonde Danish lovely strains both her vocal cords and flimsy red bodice.  This was an awful, screamy, boring state of a number, not even slightly redeemed by a curtain of fire.  Next!

Did they make it?  YOU WHAT?  Yes.  Unbelievably, yes.

Are we surprised?  I was gobsmacked – this was terrible.  Though I can think of two reasons it might have made it.  (I’m a feminist, but... I have no problem uncharitably referring to her giant boobs there.)

Ireland

It’s official, if it wasn’t already – Ireland want out.  (May I recommend a depressing referendum, then, as the turkeys totally will vote for Christmas.)  Another year, another Lovely Horse - they just couldn't bear to host again, clearly.  What else could explain the choice of a (admittedly very pretty) young man, with highly limited stage presence and the singing voice of a eleven year old girl, standing stock still on a fake hot air balloon?  Oh Louis Walsh was involved in the staging process?  Ah.

Did they make it?  He was adorable, but no.  No no no.

Are we surprised?  Not even a teeny little tiny smidgen of a bit.

San Marino

Ultimate. 

Hot. 

Mess. 

Honestly, I'm not sure this couple had even met, let alone rehearsed - I've heard more polished performances in the early hours at Karaoke Box, after a vat-full of sambuca. Mind you, this is Valentina's fourth (FOURTH!) Eurovision stint, so it's perhaps unsurprising she's a bit blasé.  That would explain the bottle-ombrage hair, the Vicky Pollard tracksuit of mesh and sequins, and the decision to just blag it with some hair wafts and dad dancing.  Never change Valentina, See you in 2018.

Did they make it? HAHAHAHAHA. No. 

Are we surprised? HAHAHAHAHA. No. 

Croatia

This guy.  Boy oh boy.  I DO NOT advocate violence, but this is a face a non-pacifist might enjoy administering a (very very gentle non-painful) slap to.  His thing is that he can do both pop and opera, meaning he is adequate at both and especially brilliant at neither.  It mainly gives him the perfect excuse to show off on stage by dueting with himself; donning a silver glove to denote his pop side and a leather studded tailcoat to denote his funky opera side.  He begins with a spoken word bit where he sagely tells us that there are two ways to live your life: “One is as if nothing is a miracle. One is as if everything is a miracle.”  *MASSIVE EYE ROLL*  It does not improve with the musical part.

Did they make it?  Yep.

Are we surprised?  Not really.  Europe lives for this shit.  

Norway

When Eurovision does ‘edgy’.  Bless.  

"So we’ll just whack a couple of DJs on stage and give them hoods and masks, so they look like they’re in The Purge?"  

"Sure...  Though it *is* Eurovision, so maybe we should glitz it up a smidge?  Bit less psycho murderer and bit more funky dance party?!" 

"Yeah maybe... Pink LED lights on the mask?  And we'll have him whack a big bass drum? "Great. That will definitely distract from the main repeated lyric of 'I’M GOING TO KILL...'."

"Oslo 2018.  Boom." 

Did they make it?  Yes

Are we surprised?  Probably not, the song was quite good – well, by tonight’s standards.  

Switzerland

Mon dieu/mein Gott, everyone is wearing a white dress tonight, how will I stand out?!   Two words, my Swiss miss: canary yellow.  And to really highlight your outfit, lest the CANARY YELLOW is not enough, let’s fringe it with Big Bird’s maltings and build you a large yellow turret and staircase for your yellow feather-fringed train. 

Did they make it?  No, for it was terrible.

Are we surprised? No, for it was terrible.  But did make me think of cheese, so it wasn’t altogether ineffective at pushing the national product.

Belarus

It’s nice to see the White Stripes are still going (Boom! Check out my noughties' reference) though they've gone in an Of Monsters and Men folky direction. (Boom!  Check out how I've heard of a band who produced music this decade.)  Anyway, Meg seems to have swapped her drum kit for a hovercraft, which is obviously what happens when you reach that level of Belorussian fame.   Yes, there was an actual hovercraft on stage, for reasons no-one could fathom unless the Belorussian for hovercraft is “hi hi ya ya ho” and that was the theme of the song.

Did they make it?  Yes!

Are we surprised?  Dudes, there was a hovercraft on stage.  Nauticalography is always a winner. 

Bulgaria

Bulgarian Bieber, with some pretty impressive pipes for one so young.  Not much to mock really, other than his Something About Mary quiff.  Quite the volume.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Nope – competent if slight uninspiring stuff.

Lithuania

I thought she was super hipster cool – with her scarlet Victoriana dress and topknot held in place with a stick she’d probably whittled herself whilst brewing craft beer and reading Chekhov.  Though I’m not sure how she got her acrylic talons through airport security (er, by just driving to Ukraine MAYBE?).  

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  This was my favourite of the evening, so nope.  It wouldn’t be Eurovision if I didn’t get to sulk a little. 

Estonia

More bridalwear ahoy!  Though this is more the kind of white slutty number an ex-girlfriend would wear to upstage the bride.  She’s brought her date too - a slightly younger model with embarrassingly tight trousers and sequinned lapels.  I thought there was a hint of Fleetwood Mac at one point, but I think it was just the sanity deprivation that happens after this many hours of Eurovij.

Did they make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  A little – I thought it might’ve scraped through.

Israel

As soon as he appeared, it was clear this was going to make it.  Those arms!  WAY too buff and glossy to fail.  Basically, this guy was hot.  So hot.  So very hot.  The song?  I assume there must have been one, yes.  Did I mention the hot.  So hot.  So very hot.

Did they make it?  Yes

Are we surprised?  In no way.

And we is done.  I’m not going to linger on the BBC’s bizarre Scandi-noir pastiche, which even Mel Giedroyc couldn’t really save, and more Verka.  Where's Ruslana in all this, I wonder?  Have they whitewashed the Eurovision glory that is Wild Dances?  (Ukraine's second greatest moment, after THIS CLASSIC.   

Actually, I will mention the highly enjoyable skit in which Mel dresses as a bel boy and interviews some of the acts though.  Highlights: poking San Marino Man's pectorals and offering to be be a human Macedonian flag.

So let's role call for Saturday, shall we?

Austria (stage school)

Romania (cannon yodel)

Netherlands (sister trio)

Hungary (casual Friday band practice)

Denmark (screechy lungs)

Croatia (one man duet)

Norway (glow stick mask)

Belarus (hovercraft)

Bulgaria (boy quiff)

Israel (hunk)

Nearly there... The smart money's on Portugal, by the way.

Kiev 2017 - Semi final #1

And once again, here we are.  We begin with a moment of victory, as one Eurofan’s toddler falls asleep at 19.54, giving ample time for a pre-show wee, basic snack grab and the standard I-just-got-my-toddler-to-sleep-before-the-show mum dance (silent fist pumps and pelvic thrusts at the top of the stairs).   

But it was an ill-fated celebration, because said toddler woke again at 20.08 (cue the standard nooooooo-goooooo-tooooooo-sleeeeeeeep dance of dejection and fury).  Still, hooray for Bluetooth headphones, the iPlayer app and a casual approach to parenting: “there there dear, mummy’s just looking at very important but boring grown up information on her phone whilst she pats your back and you go to sleep.”

There was some buffering of course, but I think I got the main points; Ukraine are celebrating diversity by having three white men present the show, one of whom seems to be called Vulva, and all of whom promise us semis.  We are RIGHT ON TRACK, people.

We are also treated to an opening number from Grant and Phil Mitchell's Ukrainian cousin, Monatik, sporting a beanie that shrunk in the wash and a fabulous electric blue and white pattered peignoir.  Don't let the chunky demeanour fool you, Monatik Mitchell is quite a sprightly mover.  

A quick show-off from Vulva that his French is very good, and we can finally get to the 'good' stuff: so let’s get some mother pukking acts on.

Sweden

It's well known that both 'Swedish popstars' and 'men on treadmills' score astronomically high on the arrogance scale, so you’d be right to assume Robin Bengt, a Swedish popstar who performs his routine on a treadmill, with a bunch of male treadmill buddies, is off the chart for smugness.  How does treadmillography work you may wonder?  Think walking on the spot whilst making shadow animals with the hands and repeatedly unbuttoning and rebuttoning a suit jacket (smugly).  The greatest disappointment, of course, was that none of them fell off their treadmill.

Did they make it?  Yes - immortality as a You've Been Framed treadmill faller can still beckon. 

Are we surprised?  Confident Swedish man sings catchy pop ditty? Eurovision catnip.

Georgia

Smoke machine, howling, multiple key changes, skeletal lady in red cape and evening wear... All the Eurovision hallmarks - if this were the seventies.  Not sure which was more disappointing; the song itself or discovering that the only highlight - a bejewelled red and chiffon flared jumpsuit - was actually a pouffy ballgown.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Shoulda gone jumpsuit.

Australia

G'day 17 year old man-child, whose beauty therapist was determined to have her eyebrow-threading work noticed on the international stage.  Look, the song was fine, but we’ve come to expect far more from our Aussie mates.  If you’re just going to phone it in, Oz, then why even bother?  Is this your way of getting Europe to dump you first?  We get it.  You've changed, it’s not you it’s us, etc etc.  You're not alone, guys - Ireland have been trying to get out for years.  And what do you think Brexit was really about?  Oh yes, that’s right: NHS lies and xenophobia.  My bad.

Did they make it?  Yep. At least he’ll get another chance to attempt the falsetto riff he clearly can’t do, even with a tighter trouser. 

Are we surprised? Not given the competition.

Albania

Welcome Lindita – dressed as a bride with an entirely see-through skirt and only the merest hint of silver corset to cover her Tirana.   I don't wish to be unkind, but there’s something utterly terrifying about Lindita - if you saw her coming up the aisle, you’d immediately scream “ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE” and use the older family members in the front pew for a leg up to get the hell out of there.

Did they make it?  They did not.

Are we surprised?  We are not.

Belgium

The usual gushing charisma we’ve come to expect of Belgium, a country so boring all their Euro coins just have the profile of their fat king on them (Finland have wild swans, FFS. Italy have a naked man!).  Belgian singer Blanche is that awkward teen who’s been forced into a prom dress “for such a special occasion, darling” but has conceded she’ll only do it “if it's black because I HATE YOU MUM” and “don't think I intend to wash or brush my hair because I HATE YOU MUM”.  It’s a shame really, as she’d have looked way better in an indie t-shirt and some jeans, or whatever the anti-Kardashian out-crowd wear these days.

Did they make it?  You what?!? She did!

Are we surprised? A little – not a terrible alt pop song really, but pitched too low live. And did I mention the hair?

Montenegro

Pay attention, guys.  It's Slavko time!  Please don’t be distracted by this Eurogay’s chiffon top and purple skirt, torn off to reveal peacock bejewelled spangly trousers - and that’s before we even come to his metre long plait (not a euphemism) which he whips and swings to gay abandon.  Nor should we get too focused on the slightly tired disco dancing, like he’d spent all his energy clubbing in the early hours, downing blue WKDs and 'meeting' his fans (surely not when there’s a show to rest for).  No, no, the true beauty of this number is the poetry of the lyrics.  Who has 'ere written of love so touchingly?  Hush, listen, just let me quote: 

Wet dreams, wild nightmares, I surrender 

Come into me from within

We can be as one in the sin

Be my Bonnie, we’ll mix and match with Clyde

I know.  It just…. I know.

Did they make it?  EUROPE HAS BEEN DENIED.

Are we surprised? APPALLED MORE LIKE IT.

Finland

Inoffensive and perfectly well sung (whaa!) country-style ballady thing, performed by blonde lady standing stock still whilst her man-friend plays a piano on fire.  It was all a bit non – even the piano smoke was just a few wisps eking out of the grand’s lid rather than the full on bonfire we’ve come to expect as standard.  It's a long way since Hard Rock Hallelujah.  The Finnish HSE must have quite the influence.

Did they make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

Azerbaijan

Think a Beautiful Mind meets Test Card F, if the little girl playing noughts and crosses with that demonic clown doll was an Azeri emo-ette with black lippy and boot polish smeared in her hair, and the demonic clown doll was a grown man on a stepladder inexplicably wearing a horse’s head.  Because OF COURSE.  It’s experimental Brechtian Am Dram at its worst, only in a Eurovision musical number, so completely amazing.  (Sort of.)

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Shouldn't have been - the power of the gimmick.  Props for the props.

Portugal

Perennial losers Portugal – 49 entries, 0 wins.  It’s because they always insist on a solitary singer wailing on in Portuguese, whilst the rest of Europe has gone all flash, bang, wallop, check out my treadmill / horse head / bridal wear / Australianness.  But this year, all that could change – turns out the low key approach works when the solitary singer boring on in Portuguese is a large chinned, gangly chap with messy hair don’t care and a mime artist vibe.  Don’t get me wrong, it was fairly boring – but coming after chalk’n’horse, it seemed naively charming.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Yes, in a way – but going against the tide can work sometimes.

Greece

Thank Gawd for Greece in Eurovision – I was starting to feel snoozesome, and then the beatz getz droppedz.  

Her: a young popstrel in sequinned pants under Angelina Jolie leg dress.  

Him: two backing dancers in white Bermuda tights, homo-erotically playing/dancing in a paddling pool.  

Never change, Greece, never change...

Did they make it?  Thankfully.

Are we surprised?  Greek gal and her legs sing high NRG pop anthem? Eurovision catnip.

Poland

Polish lady with pipes (and 'pipes'), in little more than a Wonderbra made of bandages.  The wind machine is set to gale force and the violinist is set to 'bit too old and ugly to be allowed in the foreground'.  Not my bag, but she really could sing.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  A Polish woman’s boobs and any old tat of a song?  Eurovision catnip.

Moldova

Hey Montenegro, you know you thought a metre-long hair accessory and a reference to semen was the hook Europe would gun for?  Well, that was before Europe got introduced to three backing singers dressed in floppy hats, puff-ball skirts that transform into wedding dresses, and microphone holders made of plastic bouquets.  Oh and an old guy playing a sax and doing the running man with an infectious joie de vivre.  It’s all a bit noughties vintage, but in a not-at-all-depressing-that-the-noughties-were-that-long-ago kind of way.

Did they make it?  YES!

Are we surprised?  Happily stunned, if I’m honest.

Iceland

If Mattel did a pop star line, this is how they'd design Bjork Barbie - a hint of Icelandic musical kook, but packaged in a skinny blonde with apple cheek bones and drawn on facial expressions botoxed to submission.  The gravity-defying Barbie breasts were there too, pneumatically hoiked to rival Poland, encased in a white PVC catsuit and adorned with a 'here's where my third boob would go' tattoo. 

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Unlike Europe, I liked this Scandilectro number. *sad face*

Czech Republic

Haiiii peach-tinged gold lamé kimono tracksuit, slit to the navel with five tassel strands!  Now take that image, and tell me what song style that conjures up?  Did you go for slow, emotive, indie-tinged, string and tambourine-backed mild pop?  Then, correct!

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised? Not even slightly.

Cyprus

It’s not often that contemporary dance involves literal moves - I particularly enjoyed how they took turns to lean on each other, whilst singing about, yes, leaning, obviously.  Other moments of choreographic genius include a human centipede style line-up, where they all hold on to the one in front's ankles, and a recreation of that Trust Game where you close your eyes, fall back, and hope to Goddess Conchita you’ll not be dropped by a backing dancer too busy making eyes at a crowd full of Eurogays.

Did they make it?  Yup.  And hooray that both Greece and Cyprus will be present to exchange the customary douze points.

Are we surprised?  Nah.

Armenia

Main influences: Bollywood, Goths, instructional YouTube videos about hair plaiting, smoke machines, and that sliver jewellery stall in Camden Market which hasn’t changed its merchandise since the 1990s.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Hugely.

Solvenia

Disney would reject this as way too cheesy/saccharine.  There’s a moment where shiny suited singer Omar pouts and beckons at the camera.  I was sick in my mouth.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Just glad I don’t have to relive that beckoning moment ever again.

Latvia

Last one!  You thought it was safe to relax, then Latvia appear dressed as a Supermarket Sweep dash though the poundshop, manically buying anything which reminds them of Katy Perry channelling noughties Gwen Stefani.  It’s all hair bunches, neon and cheap-ass silver lady-waders.  Please don’t make me describe the music.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Helloooo?

And there we have it.  I’m exhausted. But we’re not done yet, you fools!  There follows the ever unbearable attempts from the local hosts to interview the Big Five - highlights include asking Spain “What sort of things have you done for your lovers?” and Italy taking the chance to talk about Desmond Morris; the Italian pronunciation of “naked apes” and “famous entomologist” are my new ringtone.  (Get booking for Rome 2018 guys.)

Also, Jamala sings the entirely apolitical jolly song about Crimean deportation she won with last year, then performs her new single dressed in a tepee with primary coloured fringing (apols for insulting national dress, as I have surely just done, but dudes...).  She spends most of the song vigorously shaking the tassels and it should be ridiculous (and is obvz), but she’s somehow cool enough to get away with it.

I think it's safe to say it now - we're done, peeps!  Yaaaaaay!!!!

So, to recap, on to the final go:

Sweden (Smug at gym)

Oz (Brows)

Belgium (don’t make me brush my hair MUM)

Azerbaijan (Blackboard)

Portugal (Gangly chin)

Greece (water troughs)

Poland (boob bandage)

Moldova (saxy brides)

Cyprus (literal dance)

Armenia (silver and lady plaits)

Ready to do it all again Thursday?  There’s to be yodelling.  Oh yes.  See you then.

@strictlycad

Stockholm 2016 - the Final

And the winner is...!

Congratulations Ukraine, and commiserations to Russia.  What a result!  For music, I mean; the result was in no way political at all, was it?  After all, Eurovision is politically neutral - it’s in the rules and everyfink.  Europe was simply sending the message that it was more in the mood for a powerfully emotional vocal performance about war, than a pop ditty and some CGI wall dancing.

Big Five and Host

(Other performance reviews are available here and here..!)

Italy

My 11 month old son regularly sports a dungaree, and I’ve always been struck by how it’s a look with a time limit - few grown adults can get away with pinafore trousers.  Not that that daunted Miss Italy, proudly rocking some glittery dungas at the mic, as she sang earnestly at the camera.  Sadly, however, no amount of sequinned floral appliqué is going to sufficiently pimp a pair of brown dungarees, especially not at Eurovision, when you've got capes and leotards to contend with.  Inexplicably, the rest of the staging was made up of bargain bin plastic flowers - perhaps they were Versace overalls, which restricted the budget somewhat?

How’d it do: An appropriate 16^th, although it did (incomprehensibly) get the douze from two whole juries.

Sweden

“Proper music”, although that’s a term which irritates me enormously - as if big synths sounds, overblown electronic beats, seventeen key changes, a wailing diva and some background panpipes can’t constitute proper music.  Anyway, Sweden’s Eurovij selection quality control continues to work, with this rather sweet low-key offering from a delightful-seeming 17 year old, which sounded like it could actually be in the charts.  Not that I’m au fait with the charts these days, so maybe it’s safer to say it sounds like the kind of thing I might overhear in Dorothy Perkins whilst browsing ankle boots and which I would assume is probably something that could be in the charts maybe.

How’d it do: 5^th place, three jury douzes.  Classic Swedish respectability.

Germany

Lady Gaga and Gwen Stefani have a lot to answer for; turns out there’s a bit more to it than googling “Harajuku Girls on pinterest” and stapling the contents of Oxfam’s donated toys bin to your head and shoulders – certainly if Germany’s offering is anything to go by.  It might have made a vague sort of sense if the song had been a teeny-bopping, cray-cray, all-out cartoon pop number, but it was a deathly snoozefest.  Though I concede it was better than sending a homophobic neo-Nazi.

How’d it do: it tanked, obvz.  26^th place.  AKA last.

France

Solid and acceptable standard pop fare from a handsome man in a suit that was about half a size too small.

How’d it do: A remarkably acceptable 6^th place - indeed, a brilliant showing given France’s recent track record.

Spain 

Senorita Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versininini [insert current surname here] in a sequinned vest dress giving it some joyful club anthem welly.  She also did the funny foot dance we saw from Malta a few years back (you’ll remember it clearly, of course), which did seem an odd choice for a big busting dance choon, but it somehow worked... What with Bulgaria’s ‘man repellent’ squatting moves and this, I’m starting to think I’ve lost touch with current disco etiquette.  Perhaps it’s something to do with being a mother in my late thirties and calling it a ‘disco’. 

How’d it do: 22^nd, but the gays in the hall seemed to love it, so it can live on 4EVA at the wonder that is the Euro Club.

UK

We’ve had worse, far far worse. Far far far far worse.  They seemed like very sweet boys and could sing in tune well enough.  But... pffffffff.  That’s all I have to say about that one really.

How’d it do: the juries quite liked it.  Europe did not.  *sigh*

Halftime Show

And this is why Swedish Eurovision rocks - even though it went on a bit, the Swedes know how to fill the allocated time for corrupt horsetrading televoting with proper entertainment (by and large, Linda Woodruff wasn't great and little says 'uncool' like a mini Segway, Mans).  But the mere act of bagging Justin Timberlake was a coup; he could have stood on stage for ten seconds shouting “Good evening Europe” before throwing out a pelvic thrust and leaving, and it would still have made all the Eurovision entries look a little amateur (‘a little’... ahem...).  Though he was a bit sweaty for my liking, and I preferred Bulgaria, if I’m honest. 

(Also, Americans, just like it's not GlastonBERRY, it's not EurOHvision.  Please learn this before the inevitable swarm of US pop acts come along to entertain us, having just clocked there's an audience of 200 million up for grabs...)

As for the Swedish pop retrospective... I mean COME ON, what a track record!  Choon after choon, hit after hit, moment of genius after moment of genius.  Neneh Cherry and Robyn are still regulars on my playlist, but I can’t believe I’ve neglected Ace of Base and Roxette for so long.  I might even give that “You touch my tralala” song a relisten.

But the real TRIUMPH that was Love Love Peace Peace – where Eurovision ate itelf in a big meta self-pisstake.  It was masterful.  Go watch it again - treat yo'self.

  

(New) Voting

Hastag dramaticreveal! And it was a dramztastic Ukraine v Russia showdown in the end, even with Ukraine's colossal lead (once poor Oz had been steadily edged out).  It was just a little disappointing not to see the nakedly biased neighbourly voting in action - yes, I’m looking at you the Greek and Norwegian juries (well done Azerbaijan and Belarus for your unending Soviet loyalty).  As for the UK jury, what the fuck were they on?  12 points for Georgia? GEORGIA!?!? I know it’s a British tradition to drink solidly throughout Eurovision, but even so.

Though for me the best bit was circus ringleader and highest climber Poland – quite rightly deemed more or less the worst entry by the juries, then ROCKETING up to eighth (eighth!) thanks to the phone power of Poles and/or people with no musical taste whatsoever.

Legacy of Stockholm 2016
Oz can stay, and Bulgaria, Armenia, Austria and Latvia have also made my Spotify Eurovision playlist (mind you, Waterline's still on there, so it's not the highest of accolades).  The EBU should institute a rule whereby Petra should be required to take on hosting duties every three years, regardless of host nation.

Kiev 2017

Oh Man(s), it’s always over so fast.  Well done the Swedes, we all hope it comes back to you soon.  If you want an interesting insight into how Ukraine are likely to get 'organised', listen to this brilliant radio doc.  Remember though, that Ukraine do have an excellent record for musical Eurovij excellence though (from the insane via the whip-crackingly good to this year’s epic), so hopes are high.  Good night Europe!

Stockholm 2016 - Semi final #2

Back for more, suckers?  Of course you are!  A far better semi-final awaits, as it happens, including the best performance of the night - from presenters Petra and Mans, with a sarky history of Eurovision set to musical jazz hands, which was only missing two things - dancing meat balls and Mans naked but for a fluffy wolf over his privates.  Thankfully one of those things appeared at a later time, so you can all stand down now.

And let's get on with the showwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! (*more jazz hands*)

Latvia

If we're getting a theme this year, it's solo pretty boys, shamelessly appealing to the teenage girl televote market.  This one's pretty enough - his slightly larger than average snozz just about masked by a silky fringe of beauty - he's clearly no stranger to hair conditioner.  Simple staging - black leather jacket, the skinniest jeans - my my, we might be experiencing a ‘not actually too bad electro dance number’ shocker...

Did they make it?  Yes!

Are we surprised?  Not at all - this was actually quite good.

Poland

You know how I said this was a better semi-final than Tuesday.  Hmmm... From the back, it's Alanis Morrissette in her You Oughta Know days.  From the front, it's a thin young chap sporting a Sergeant Pepper moustache, a circus master coat with epaulette fringing, loafers without socks and perfectly manicured black nails.  It’s a strong look, I suppose.  As for the song, my friends, the song is... zzzzzzzzz, Dirgesaw, Dirgeland.  I’m also fairly certainly that it’s an actual European Broadcasting Union law that any words lit up in massive neon as part of your staging must take on the British and not the American spelling. “COLOR”?  No.  Unacceptable.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  On one hand, this was pure gash.  On the other, it's no real suprise that Poland can rely on its healthy diaspora to pick up the phone.  #milkmaidgate

Switzerland

Well, she had a portable smoke machine strapped to her back, which was... how to say... unusual.  They’d also styled her in the most flammable looking lilac acrylic wig and shiny sheer skirt, so part of me wonders if there was some kind of underhand murder attempt going on - and not just of the song, BOOM BOOM.  Spoiler: she got to the end of the song unscathed.  Whether she'll get back to Zurich, I cannot say.

Did they make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

Israel

Emo ballad time.  Totes emosh lead singer man (equal parts angst, guyliner and Swarovski crystals glue-gunned about his person) is forced to share the screen with two co-dancers rolling around the stage in a giant hoop - a staging decision he clearly didn’t sign off on.  The tension was palpable and I’m surprised the hoop didn’t get derailed by a rogue crystal.  Or  was literally pushed off stage in a prima donna-esque fit of pique.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  No, not really.  As ballads go, this was tolerable and Mr Israel actually seems highly likeable, especially for someone who revels in jealousy and excessive diamenté.

Belarus

OH.

EM.

GEE.

Seriously.  Where to begin? Well, perhaps as Ivan the singer himself began – with a giant CGI projection of a very thin and very naked Belarusian dude singing earnestly to a wolf, perhaps about how to get more wolfpelt-like volume in his straggly long hair (best speak to Mr Latvia).  I thought Swarovski Israel had ego issues, but even he didn’t see fit to spend three minutes prancing in front of projections of himself playing the drums, the bass guitar, the rhythm guitar, the lead guitar, writing the theme song, recording the theme song, singing the theme song, performing a second dance routine, then more adding wolves, all culminating in a dancing baby in a nappy.  Yup.  You read that right.

Did they make it?  Nope.
Are we surprised?  We are all losers here.  You've disappointed me Europe.

Serbia
A she-vision in black pleather corset and lady fringing, yelling out a big one.  Imagine, if you will, a lady-baddy/evil love interest in a sixties sci-fi film, and that's your Serbian gal.  Her army of backing singers were equally terrifying/pleathered - indeed there was so much fringing on stage it looked like they’d been coated in black algae.  The song?  Well I assume there was one, but I can summon no memory of it.

Did they make it?  Yes.
Are we surprised?  Probably.  Mainly still reeling from Belarusian denial.

Ireland
Nicky out of Westlife phoning in a substandard U2 noughties number and thanking you kindly for the cheque.

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  I don't think even Nicky himself gives a shit.

FYR Macedonia
If you’re going to viva la diva, make this your benchmark – wind machine-a-go-go highlightsing impressive cleav-AGE and Adam Ant blouse framing of the lady-crotch, as Macedonian Cher screams out “DONA DONA DONA” for three minutes.  Obviously amazing.

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  Yes!  This was awesome in its ridiculousness.  Just when I was getting over Belarus...  Hurrumph.

Lithuania
Pretty much the same as Latvia, only this one has a white leather jacket.

Did they make it?  Yes.
Are we surprised?  Pretty boy, inoffensive pop.  Nah.

Australia
"I think that's a typo, Catherine - though didn't you say our Alpine friends had already competed with a song in French...?"  No no, my dears - well done for paying attention, but I MEANT to type Australia, for our Aussie friends have once more sneaked back into the Eurovision fray.  "But Australia aren’t a European whiney whiney whiney blah blah...” OH WHO CARES, because this was brilliant!  Welcome Australia, and may you long stick around if this is what we get.  Please continue to embrace your Becky With The Good Hair status – the song is a pop classic, the performance is slick, powerful and IN TUNE, and the styling is 100% ‘what do you mean I shouldn’t wear a giant white diamond-encrusted ballgown to my mate's wedding'?  SYDNEY 2017!

Did they make it?  Yes.
Are we surprised?  Not in the slightest.

Slovenia
A Slovenian Taylor Swift in virginal white yodels whilst Europe stares open-mouthed at inflated boobs taped up with black leather strapping.  No-one’s even watching the muscular guy pole-dancing topless to her right.  Well, apart from the core Eurovision demographic, probably.

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  Could have gone either way, but boobs aren't a winning theme this year.

Bulgaria
When my best mate and I used to go clubbing in our younger days, we had a dance move which we’d employ when less than desirable men would dance towards us – it had a 100% success rate in getting them to dance on away in another direction.  We called it the ‘man repellent’ and it involved basically dancing whilst squatting slightly and pretending to do a version of the birdie song's movements.  Yup, it wasn't good, but Bulgaria nonetheless spent much of this number doing the man repellent.  Sound disastrous?  No!  She was fantastic! All the more so, when you note that she was dressed in a flesh-coloured bodystocking with white light up foam knee pads and a cloak.  I loved this.

Did they make it?  Yay!
Are we surprised?  Happily so!

Denmark
As with every boy band, there’s the one who can sing but isn’t that pretty – and in tried and tested tradition, he was hidden through most of the song by his microphone, whilst the other two got to move around a bit and point earnestly at the crowd and camera.  I would put money on one of them turning up as in the role of Corpse Four in the next Scandi-noir triumph.

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  Maybe slightly - this wasn't too bad.

Ukraine
The song is called 1944 and it’s about atrocities committed in times of war, but it’s not at all about the present, you understand, because look at the title, 1944, in the past, nothing to do with any current annexing conflicts situations, oh no nothing to see here, Eurovision’s not political, we’re not making a point, oh no.  It’s not unpowerful stuff, given the circumstances.  The circumstances of 1944, of course.

Did they make it?  Yes.
Are we surprised?  Europe might have a few differences, but (with a notable exception and its gas lackeys), it's pretty united on this one.

Norway
Are we really at the stage where beautiful blonde 21 year olds feel it necessary to have botox face? What a depressing prospect. To be honest, if you're looking for a gorgeous solo Norwegian blonde in tight white number doing a Eurovij choon, don't bother with this - go back to 2013 instead.  

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  She certainly was - I reckon someone got fired off the back of this failure.

Georgia
Imagine, if you will, a Georgian band formed of nineties and noughties indie rejects – down to badly cut Paul Weller hair heroin shit make-up and the kind of twattish hat you’d imagine Johnny Borrell might have picked out.  And just in case we weren’t seeing enough of them, they also employed the most sophisticated of special effects, namely replicating themselves in mirrored imagery - HASHTAG YAWN.  Good song though?  Nope, just the sound of self-satisfied moany guitar pop and a not-particularly-attractive man droning on about hangovers as a front for showing off that he managed to grab some sex with an actual woman the night before.

Did they make it? Obviously not, I mean... Oh hang on what's that you say?  They DID make it?  
THEY DID MAKE IT?  
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  
SOMEHOW EUROPE VOTED THIS INTO THE FINAL?
WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAAAAAT?!?!?  
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?! 
ETC.
Are we surprised?  See above.

Albania
Bond theme attempt, dressed as an Oscar statue slash Ferrero Rocher – this is not a woman I would feel safe crossing, though I bet Conchita would attempt a run, given the choice of gold and spy film rip-off-ery.   

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  After Georgia, everything Eurovision is a now a nonsensical surprise.

Belgium
This is one unquestionably talented Belgian perky pop waffle, but the smug... My God, the smug.  It's unbearable.  I fully accept that being the 19 year old winner of The Flemish Voice is going to give you an impressive celebrity status, but reel in it, love.  Jealous, you say?  What of?  Her perfect Disney Club dance moves?  Her eye-dazzling dentist-bought grin?  Her eminently slappable face?  The baggy silver hotpants, cause you've got to keep it a little puritanical...?  Ah well, I suppose she's probably got an evil momager keeping her on a tight leash and a depressive cocaine addiction ahead of her, so maybe it's best to leave it there.

Did they make it?  Yes, and deservedly of course.
Are we surprised?  I’ll still sulk through her final performance, mind.

Anything else to note?  Somehow, SOMEHOW, the Swedish delegation has got Justin Timberlake to perform at the final - there isn't an emoji in the world to sum that one up, nor one which could represent how JT will feel once he's seen what he's on after.  
*dies laughing*  
I'll be back in a day or so to blog the Big Five and Sweden, but in the meantime - have a most wunderbar Eurovision.  No doubt the UK will have another relative shocker, but that's not the point.  May we stick around with these beautiful weirdos for a while yet.