Stockholm 2016 - the Final

And the winner is...!

Congratulations Ukraine, and commiserations to Russia.  What a result!  For music, I mean; the result was in no way political at all, was it?  After all, Eurovision is politically neutral - it’s in the rules and everyfink.  Europe was simply sending the message that it was more in the mood for a powerfully emotional vocal performance about war, than a pop ditty and some CGI wall dancing.

Big Five and Host

(Other performance reviews are available here and here..!)

Italy

My 11 month old son regularly sports a dungaree, and I’ve always been struck by how it’s a look with a time limit - few grown adults can get away with pinafore trousers.  Not that that daunted Miss Italy, proudly rocking some glittery dungas at the mic, as she sang earnestly at the camera.  Sadly, however, no amount of sequinned floral appliqué is going to sufficiently pimp a pair of brown dungarees, especially not at Eurovision, when you've got capes and leotards to contend with.  Inexplicably, the rest of the staging was made up of bargain bin plastic flowers - perhaps they were Versace overalls, which restricted the budget somewhat?

How’d it do: An appropriate 16^th, although it did (incomprehensibly) get the douze from two whole juries.

Sweden

“Proper music”, although that’s a term which irritates me enormously - as if big synths sounds, overblown electronic beats, seventeen key changes, a wailing diva and some background panpipes can’t constitute proper music.  Anyway, Sweden’s Eurovij selection quality control continues to work, with this rather sweet low-key offering from a delightful-seeming 17 year old, which sounded like it could actually be in the charts.  Not that I’m au fait with the charts these days, so maybe it’s safer to say it sounds like the kind of thing I might overhear in Dorothy Perkins whilst browsing ankle boots and which I would assume is probably something that could be in the charts maybe.

How’d it do: 5^th place, three jury douzes.  Classic Swedish respectability.

Germany

Lady Gaga and Gwen Stefani have a lot to answer for; turns out there’s a bit more to it than googling “Harajuku Girls on pinterest” and stapling the contents of Oxfam’s donated toys bin to your head and shoulders – certainly if Germany’s offering is anything to go by.  It might have made a vague sort of sense if the song had been a teeny-bopping, cray-cray, all-out cartoon pop number, but it was a deathly snoozefest.  Though I concede it was better than sending a homophobic neo-Nazi.

How’d it do: it tanked, obvz.  26^th place.  AKA last.

France

Solid and acceptable standard pop fare from a handsome man in a suit that was about half a size too small.

How’d it do: A remarkably acceptable 6^th place - indeed, a brilliant showing given France’s recent track record.

Spain 

Senorita Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versininini [insert current surname here] in a sequinned vest dress giving it some joyful club anthem welly.  She also did the funny foot dance we saw from Malta a few years back (you’ll remember it clearly, of course), which did seem an odd choice for a big busting dance choon, but it somehow worked... What with Bulgaria’s ‘man repellent’ squatting moves and this, I’m starting to think I’ve lost touch with current disco etiquette.  Perhaps it’s something to do with being a mother in my late thirties and calling it a ‘disco’. 

How’d it do: 22^nd, but the gays in the hall seemed to love it, so it can live on 4EVA at the wonder that is the Euro Club.

UK

We’ve had worse, far far worse. Far far far far worse.  They seemed like very sweet boys and could sing in tune well enough.  But... pffffffff.  That’s all I have to say about that one really.

How’d it do: the juries quite liked it.  Europe did not.  *sigh*

Halftime Show

And this is why Swedish Eurovision rocks - even though it went on a bit, the Swedes know how to fill the allocated time for corrupt horsetrading televoting with proper entertainment (by and large, Linda Woodruff wasn't great and little says 'uncool' like a mini Segway, Mans).  But the mere act of bagging Justin Timberlake was a coup; he could have stood on stage for ten seconds shouting “Good evening Europe” before throwing out a pelvic thrust and leaving, and it would still have made all the Eurovision entries look a little amateur (‘a little’... ahem...).  Though he was a bit sweaty for my liking, and I preferred Bulgaria, if I’m honest. 

(Also, Americans, just like it's not GlastonBERRY, it's not EurOHvision.  Please learn this before the inevitable swarm of US pop acts come along to entertain us, having just clocked there's an audience of 200 million up for grabs...)

As for the Swedish pop retrospective... I mean COME ON, what a track record!  Choon after choon, hit after hit, moment of genius after moment of genius.  Neneh Cherry and Robyn are still regulars on my playlist, but I can’t believe I’ve neglected Ace of Base and Roxette for so long.  I might even give that “You touch my tralala” song a relisten.

But the real TRIUMPH that was Love Love Peace Peace – where Eurovision ate itelf in a big meta self-pisstake.  It was masterful.  Go watch it again - treat yo'self.

  

(New) Voting

Hastag dramaticreveal! And it was a dramztastic Ukraine v Russia showdown in the end, even with Ukraine's colossal lead (once poor Oz had been steadily edged out).  It was just a little disappointing not to see the nakedly biased neighbourly voting in action - yes, I’m looking at you the Greek and Norwegian juries (well done Azerbaijan and Belarus for your unending Soviet loyalty).  As for the UK jury, what the fuck were they on?  12 points for Georgia? GEORGIA!?!? I know it’s a British tradition to drink solidly throughout Eurovision, but even so.

Though for me the best bit was circus ringleader and highest climber Poland – quite rightly deemed more or less the worst entry by the juries, then ROCKETING up to eighth (eighth!) thanks to the phone power of Poles and/or people with no musical taste whatsoever.

Legacy of Stockholm 2016
Oz can stay, and Bulgaria, Armenia, Austria and Latvia have also made my Spotify Eurovision playlist (mind you, Waterline's still on there, so it's not the highest of accolades).  The EBU should institute a rule whereby Petra should be required to take on hosting duties every three years, regardless of host nation.

Kiev 2017

Oh Man(s), it’s always over so fast.  Well done the Swedes, we all hope it comes back to you soon.  If you want an interesting insight into how Ukraine are likely to get 'organised', listen to this brilliant radio doc.  Remember though, that Ukraine do have an excellent record for musical Eurovij excellence though (from the insane via the whip-crackingly good to this year’s epic), so hopes are high.  Good night Europe!

Stockholm 2016 - Semi final #2

Back for more, suckers?  Of course you are!  A far better semi-final awaits, as it happens, including the best performance of the night - from presenters Petra and Mans, with a sarky history of Eurovision set to musical jazz hands, which was only missing two things - dancing meat balls and Mans naked but for a fluffy wolf over his privates.  Thankfully one of those things appeared at a later time, so you can all stand down now.

And let's get on with the showwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! (*more jazz hands*)

Latvia

If we're getting a theme this year, it's solo pretty boys, shamelessly appealing to the teenage girl televote market.  This one's pretty enough - his slightly larger than average snozz just about masked by a silky fringe of beauty - he's clearly no stranger to hair conditioner.  Simple staging - black leather jacket, the skinniest jeans - my my, we might be experiencing a ‘not actually too bad electro dance number’ shocker...

Did they make it?  Yes!

Are we surprised?  Not at all - this was actually quite good.

Poland

You know how I said this was a better semi-final than Tuesday.  Hmmm... From the back, it's Alanis Morrissette in her You Oughta Know days.  From the front, it's a thin young chap sporting a Sergeant Pepper moustache, a circus master coat with epaulette fringing, loafers without socks and perfectly manicured black nails.  It’s a strong look, I suppose.  As for the song, my friends, the song is... zzzzzzzzz, Dirgesaw, Dirgeland.  I’m also fairly certainly that it’s an actual European Broadcasting Union law that any words lit up in massive neon as part of your staging must take on the British and not the American spelling. “COLOR”?  No.  Unacceptable.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  On one hand, this was pure gash.  On the other, it's no real suprise that Poland can rely on its healthy diaspora to pick up the phone.  #milkmaidgate

Switzerland

Well, she had a portable smoke machine strapped to her back, which was... how to say... unusual.  They’d also styled her in the most flammable looking lilac acrylic wig and shiny sheer skirt, so part of me wonders if there was some kind of underhand murder attempt going on - and not just of the song, BOOM BOOM.  Spoiler: she got to the end of the song unscathed.  Whether she'll get back to Zurich, I cannot say.

Did they make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

Israel

Emo ballad time.  Totes emosh lead singer man (equal parts angst, guyliner and Swarovski crystals glue-gunned about his person) is forced to share the screen with two co-dancers rolling around the stage in a giant hoop - a staging decision he clearly didn’t sign off on.  The tension was palpable and I’m surprised the hoop didn’t get derailed by a rogue crystal.  Or  was literally pushed off stage in a prima donna-esque fit of pique.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  No, not really.  As ballads go, this was tolerable and Mr Israel actually seems highly likeable, especially for someone who revels in jealousy and excessive diamenté.

Belarus

OH.

EM.

GEE.

Seriously.  Where to begin? Well, perhaps as Ivan the singer himself began – with a giant CGI projection of a very thin and very naked Belarusian dude singing earnestly to a wolf, perhaps about how to get more wolfpelt-like volume in his straggly long hair (best speak to Mr Latvia).  I thought Swarovski Israel had ego issues, but even he didn’t see fit to spend three minutes prancing in front of projections of himself playing the drums, the bass guitar, the rhythm guitar, the lead guitar, writing the theme song, recording the theme song, singing the theme song, performing a second dance routine, then more adding wolves, all culminating in a dancing baby in a nappy.  Yup.  You read that right.

Did they make it?  Nope.
Are we surprised?  We are all losers here.  You've disappointed me Europe.

Serbia
A she-vision in black pleather corset and lady fringing, yelling out a big one.  Imagine, if you will, a lady-baddy/evil love interest in a sixties sci-fi film, and that's your Serbian gal.  Her army of backing singers were equally terrifying/pleathered - indeed there was so much fringing on stage it looked like they’d been coated in black algae.  The song?  Well I assume there was one, but I can summon no memory of it.

Did they make it?  Yes.
Are we surprised?  Probably.  Mainly still reeling from Belarusian denial.

Ireland
Nicky out of Westlife phoning in a substandard U2 noughties number and thanking you kindly for the cheque.

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  I don't think even Nicky himself gives a shit.

FYR Macedonia
If you’re going to viva la diva, make this your benchmark – wind machine-a-go-go highlightsing impressive cleav-AGE and Adam Ant blouse framing of the lady-crotch, as Macedonian Cher screams out “DONA DONA DONA” for three minutes.  Obviously amazing.

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  Yes!  This was awesome in its ridiculousness.  Just when I was getting over Belarus...  Hurrumph.

Lithuania
Pretty much the same as Latvia, only this one has a white leather jacket.

Did they make it?  Yes.
Are we surprised?  Pretty boy, inoffensive pop.  Nah.

Australia
"I think that's a typo, Catherine - though didn't you say our Alpine friends had already competed with a song in French...?"  No no, my dears - well done for paying attention, but I MEANT to type Australia, for our Aussie friends have once more sneaked back into the Eurovision fray.  "But Australia aren’t a European whiney whiney whiney blah blah...” OH WHO CARES, because this was brilliant!  Welcome Australia, and may you long stick around if this is what we get.  Please continue to embrace your Becky With The Good Hair status – the song is a pop classic, the performance is slick, powerful and IN TUNE, and the styling is 100% ‘what do you mean I shouldn’t wear a giant white diamond-encrusted ballgown to my mate's wedding'?  SYDNEY 2017!

Did they make it?  Yes.
Are we surprised?  Not in the slightest.

Slovenia
A Slovenian Taylor Swift in virginal white yodels whilst Europe stares open-mouthed at inflated boobs taped up with black leather strapping.  No-one’s even watching the muscular guy pole-dancing topless to her right.  Well, apart from the core Eurovision demographic, probably.

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  Could have gone either way, but boobs aren't a winning theme this year.

Bulgaria
When my best mate and I used to go clubbing in our younger days, we had a dance move which we’d employ when less than desirable men would dance towards us – it had a 100% success rate in getting them to dance on away in another direction.  We called it the ‘man repellent’ and it involved basically dancing whilst squatting slightly and pretending to do a version of the birdie song's movements.  Yup, it wasn't good, but Bulgaria nonetheless spent much of this number doing the man repellent.  Sound disastrous?  No!  She was fantastic! All the more so, when you note that she was dressed in a flesh-coloured bodystocking with white light up foam knee pads and a cloak.  I loved this.

Did they make it?  Yay!
Are we surprised?  Happily so!

Denmark
As with every boy band, there’s the one who can sing but isn’t that pretty – and in tried and tested tradition, he was hidden through most of the song by his microphone, whilst the other two got to move around a bit and point earnestly at the crowd and camera.  I would put money on one of them turning up as in the role of Corpse Four in the next Scandi-noir triumph.

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  Maybe slightly - this wasn't too bad.

Ukraine
The song is called 1944 and it’s about atrocities committed in times of war, but it’s not at all about the present, you understand, because look at the title, 1944, in the past, nothing to do with any current annexing conflicts situations, oh no nothing to see here, Eurovision’s not political, we’re not making a point, oh no.  It’s not unpowerful stuff, given the circumstances.  The circumstances of 1944, of course.

Did they make it?  Yes.
Are we surprised?  Europe might have a few differences, but (with a notable exception and its gas lackeys), it's pretty united on this one.

Norway
Are we really at the stage where beautiful blonde 21 year olds feel it necessary to have botox face? What a depressing prospect. To be honest, if you're looking for a gorgeous solo Norwegian blonde in tight white number doing a Eurovij choon, don't bother with this - go back to 2013 instead.  

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  She certainly was - I reckon someone got fired off the back of this failure.

Georgia
Imagine, if you will, a Georgian band formed of nineties and noughties indie rejects – down to badly cut Paul Weller hair heroin shit make-up and the kind of twattish hat you’d imagine Johnny Borrell might have picked out.  And just in case we weren’t seeing enough of them, they also employed the most sophisticated of special effects, namely replicating themselves in mirrored imagery - HASHTAG YAWN.  Good song though?  Nope, just the sound of self-satisfied moany guitar pop and a not-particularly-attractive man droning on about hangovers as a front for showing off that he managed to grab some sex with an actual woman the night before.

Did they make it? Obviously not, I mean... Oh hang on what's that you say?  They DID make it?  
THEY DID MAKE IT?  
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  
SOMEHOW EUROPE VOTED THIS INTO THE FINAL?
WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAAAAAT?!?!?  
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?! 
ETC.
Are we surprised?  See above.

Albania
Bond theme attempt, dressed as an Oscar statue slash Ferrero Rocher – this is not a woman I would feel safe crossing, though I bet Conchita would attempt a run, given the choice of gold and spy film rip-off-ery.   

Did they make it?  No.
Are we surprised?  After Georgia, everything Eurovision is a now a nonsensical surprise.

Belgium
This is one unquestionably talented Belgian perky pop waffle, but the smug... My God, the smug.  It's unbearable.  I fully accept that being the 19 year old winner of The Flemish Voice is going to give you an impressive celebrity status, but reel in it, love.  Jealous, you say?  What of?  Her perfect Disney Club dance moves?  Her eye-dazzling dentist-bought grin?  Her eminently slappable face?  The baggy silver hotpants, cause you've got to keep it a little puritanical...?  Ah well, I suppose she's probably got an evil momager keeping her on a tight leash and a depressive cocaine addiction ahead of her, so maybe it's best to leave it there.

Did they make it?  Yes, and deservedly of course.
Are we surprised?  I’ll still sulk through her final performance, mind.

Anything else to note?  Somehow, SOMEHOW, the Swedish delegation has got Justin Timberlake to perform at the final - there isn't an emoji in the world to sum that one up, nor one which could represent how JT will feel once he's seen what he's on after.  
*dies laughing*  
I'll be back in a day or so to blog the Big Five and Sweden, but in the meantime - have a most wunderbar Eurovision.  No doubt the UK will have another relative shocker, but that's not the point.  May we stick around with these beautiful weirdos for a while yet.

Stockholm 2016 - Semi final #1

And vvvvvvelcome to Eurovision 2016!  Not that hostess Petra Mede would pronounce it "vvvelcome", for her English is perfect.  Co-host and former winner Mans is also there, mainly to provide cheekbones and pectorals.  Ain't no Eurovision  like a Swedish Eurovision, so let's get the show started - with a live action version of Mans' winning Heroes, which features an army of golden-haired children in orange lederhosen.  It's clearly aimed at that part of the Venn diagram where Third Reich enthusiasts and S Club Junior fans overlap.

But on with the show.  Who's getting to Saturday and who's returning to their corner of Europe in a diva-esque huff?

Finland

Finnish hen party at the 11pm karaoke stage of their evening.  And their tune of choice? A shrieky but perfectly acceptable girl power club anthem, complete with the woeful tuning you’d expect from a bunch several sambucas into their night.  Good on the lead singer/bride for braving a tight powder blue catsuit, made from a peculiar suede/PVC hybrid.  Also good on her for making no attempt to hide her poo straining face when she went for the high notes.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  We are not.

Greece

Perfectly coiffed ladies wail and fairly buff men rap, before they all do an arm grabbing line dance in wafty white yoga pants (bar the two least attractive ones reduced to banging a massive drum and bowing a tiny Greek violin thing).  In short, all the tried and tested Greek staples - we’ve seen them time and again and they have ALWAYS been a triumph.  But this year...?  This year they pulled a Father Ted.  All of the above yet a monotonous dirge.  Not even Cyrpus would have given that the douze.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  Well on one level, no - this was a shocker.  But a Eurovision final WITHOUT Greece?!  Boooooooo to Grexit.  Boooooooo.  Thumb down emoji.

Moldova

Solo sexy laydee, with mirror shard boob decor, does standard high NRG pop wailing, accompanied by a breakdancing astronaut/very mild stripper.   I mean, what else were you expecting?

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  Maybe a little - I mean, the competition was hardly electric.

Hungary

This performance included whistling backing singers, prostitute-red lighting and a man in a sheet hoofing a massive drum whilst doing capoeria, but there was no need for gimmicks really – the audience only had eyes for jeans model hot Hungarian man with three day stubble belting out some emo.

Did they make it?  Yes!  
Are we surprised?  Hell no - JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE.

Croatia

Alien lady with silver bowl haircut and giant cape/dress made from the inside of a cool bag, repeatedly singing the not at all phallic lyric “I know that I’ll find your lighthouse, your lighthouse”.  I wish her nothing but well in her quest.

Did they make it?  They did!  
Are we surprised?  Nah.

Netherlands

Bargain bin Dutch Elvis (Elvishh) does pretty unbearable Cheese and Western - or should that be LEERDAMMER and Western?!?!?!  Hahahaha, do you GEDDIT?  

Leerdammer!  Because Leerdammer is Dutch, do you seeeeee? 

... *tumbleweed* ... 

Should I have used “Gouda and Western? 

...*more tumbleweed* ...

ANYWAY, there was a ten second gap in the middle during which Elivshh stared at the camera and drawled something cheesy/Leerdammery like "hey baby" and I genuinely believed a technical fault had occurred.  Turns out it was deliberate, which, oh just fuck off.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  Words can't even express... (Europe loved this BTW. I am alone.)

Armenia

Dry ice – CHECK.

Real fire decor – CHECK.  

Stone cold vixen with massive hair, lips and ‘lungs’ – CHECK.   

Black sheer leotard with leather bodice detail and see-through cape – CHECK.  

Lots of “whooo hoooo hoooo-ing” – CHECK.  

Superimposed imagery of aforementioned vixen writhing horizontally whilst a wind machine goes insane – CHECK.

Helllooooooooooooo!?!  

Amazeballs.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  It would have been an INTERNATIONAL OUTRAGE if it hadn't got through.

San Marino

Surely, they must be having to outsource these days?  (I mean, can there be any San Marinans left to do it?)  Either way, they chose a Stanley Tucci impersonator with a gravelly voice, and a number of young lovies squeezed into silver spandex, bar the one who insisted on a sexy secretary outfit.  In short, the usual cringeworthily amateur mess that we know and love.  Good work SM, good work!

Did they make it?  PMSL emoji.  Of course not.
Are we surprised?  Oh San Marino.  Bless you.  Maybe one day!

Russia

Basically, Russia is so desperate to win that it hasn’t even tried to hide how much this rips off last year’s Swedish winner – cue a lithe young hunkster interacting with a giant LED screen which features lots of exciting graphics and dance moves.  Credit where it’s due, the Russian version also involves said hunkster climbing into the screen and being spun around a bit.  Hopefully he'll have eliminated the oh-my-God-is-he-going-to-fall wobble come the final.

Did they make it?  Obvz.  
Are we surprised?  We are not - Russia could throw in six dancing grannies and some pizza-oven-ography and almost win the thing.  Oh hang on...

Czech Republic

It took ten songs to get to the ballad, which would usually be a result in my book, but the uptempo showings have been less than rousing this year.  Mind you, this ballad is no more inspirational.  What can I remember? She was pretty... She wore white peplum... she... nah, that’s it.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  Literally can't remember.

Cyprus

STROBES!

MORE STROBES!

HEAVY GUITAR!

SCISSOR JUMP!

CAGED DRUMMER!

GUYLINER! 

TURQUOISE GOATIE BEARD!

STILL MORE STROBES!

ALL OF THEM ARE AT LEAST FORTY!

SOME STROBES AGAIN!

WOLF HOWL!

 In short, excellent.

Did they make it?  They did, thank FUCK.  
Are we surprised?  Hell yes!  Bravo Europe!

Austria

I’d have gone gaga for this if I’d seen it at Luxembourg 1984, when was 6 or 7 (did I say 84? I mean 94, of course...).  She was wearing a peach ballgown, was saccharine beyond belief and was singing in French even though she is not French!  Trop chic!  But these days... Well, not even the French sing in French.  Points for being Disney cute and me not wanting to stab her though (yes, am looking at you Belgium...).

Did they make it?  They did!  
Are we surprised?  Massively surprised - but in a good way.

Estonia

Europe’s creepiest Young Conservative dons daddy’s double breasted electric blue suit and does far too much come hither beckoning.  Just when you think it can’t get any more uncool, he does a card trick.  Just no.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  We are mainly just relieved that we'll never have to live through that again.

Azerbaijan

Well I can’t say Sexy American Football Player is a look that I recall from any previous Eurovisions, so props for that.  Somewhere in the foreground, a young Nigella-alike in a flesh-coloured crochet catsuit (cause nothing says sexy like crochet) repeatedly sings “gonna take a miracle” with dubious tuning and we all think, “yup, probably love”.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  We are not - the Azeris are well primed in the art of effective Eurovij bribing, I mean, performing.

Montenegro

All the wind machines!  ALL OF THEM!  All the smoke machines!  ALL OF THEM!

Sadly, that premise does not quite lead to the requisite brilliance I was expecting - instead a man in bin bag drones on a bit whilst a pretty girl in thigh high boots does hairography and kung fu kicks. 

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  We are not.

Iceland

So apparently there *is* a Leather Playsuit and Leather Fringed Cardigan Barbie to add to the collection.  This performance involved Barbie dancing around a bit whilst a giant shadow hand tried to grab her – let's charitably say it was to help rejig her outfit to avoid leather crotch chaffing.  (There's nothing wrong with going up a size, sweetheart.)

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  European scandal apparently. (I'll be honest, I'm not with Europe on this one.  I thought this was meh at best.)

Bosnia and Herzegovina

'Cellist in space blanket and thongotard, pleather Inspector Gadget, pregnant Xenia Warrior Princess in a puffy fishtail, symbolic screen and barbed wire, furious rap.'

Those were my notes.  I think they cover events appropriately.

Did they make it?  They did not.  
Are we surprised?  Not really.

Malta

Classic Maltese diva pop, rocking botox, push up bra and Angelina Jolie leg.  Anyway, she belted out a belter whilst a man with slicked-back hair rolled around the stage a bit.

Did they make it?  They did.  
Are we surprised?  We are not.

Anything else to note?
For some reason, the BBC didn't show the Swedish half-time entz, a really powerful dance performance about the refugee crisis called The Grey People.  It's well worth a watch.  Instead we got Mel Giedroyc trying to fit four meatballs in her gob, which was also frankly brilliant.

UK entry shortlist: 2016

The UK will soon be Making Its Mind Up (sing it to the tune guys, seriously - just give in to it). Here are my initial thoughts on the six would-be entries from the Royaume-Uni, which can be listened to here.

Bianca - Shine A Little Light. It’s written by BIFFCO!  How did *that* happen?!  Sure it's no Spice Up Your Life (what is), but the Shine A Little Light riff is suitably earworm-y. So far I can cope.

Karl William Lund - Miracle. I didn’t make it through the song as zzzzzzz. Inoffensive – which in itself makes it offensive. Next!

Darline - Until Tomorrow. For the band name (Darline, Darline, Darline, DARRRR-LIIIIIIINE etc) - douze points, obvz.  I quite like a bit of harmonised country-lite, I’m just not sure what staging could make this stand out on a Eurovij platform. I know the Dutch managed it a year or two back, but I fear this would get swallowed.

Dulcima - When You Go. I thought this was going to be a big old epic electronic triumph at first, but *waaah waaah waaah trombone noise*. It felt like S Club 7 meets Rednex – but not in the amazing way you would obviously expect.

Joe and Jake - You’re Not Alone. I’m fairly sure I’ve (inexplicably) watched every single episode of The Voice. I do not remember these guys. Or the song. And I’m listening to it as I type this.

Matthew James - A Better Man. A hipster hat can’t hide the eyewatering wiff of gorgonzola...  I don’t hate it so much that I can’t see it growing on me, but I’d rather Will Young represented us, rather than a Tonight Matthew version.

So there we have it! Who will win? Well, I care as much as I usually do about our entry - i.e., not much. The Swedes will blates BRING IT (Petraaaaaaaaa!), so the contest will clearly be the usual triumph and that is all that matters.