Serbia
It may not be a lesbian power dirge, but it's a Serbian ballad, which is practically sacred in Eurovij terms. This was always going to get through - it
had ethnic panpipes for God's sake.
FYR
Macedonia
As per usual, semi final #2 is the boring ballads semi. Bah. So far, two ballads, two black trouser suited,
power-lunged leads (one his, one her) and two sets of slinky lady fiddlers
in LBDs. *sigh* On a more positive note, although sober black suits is not the best Eurovision
theme we've seen (that was whips), at least we're getting a theme, finally. Just a shame it wasn't, say, emeralds and snakeskin. Or robots.
Netherlands
The
Dutch haven't made a final in seven years – eighth time lucky? No. The lead singer did her best, sporting a full Native
American chief headdress, but there was one major problem: the song
was beyond pap. Just terrible. Not even the banjo solo could save it.
Malta
I
was going to write this off and then, not only did the song pick up, but they also did some brilliant foot
dancing - yes, FOOT dancing... You know... like when you DANCE just using your FEET - foot dancing! FOOT DANCING. (No, that's not just 'normal dancing'... Oh
just Google it.) I also liked the Malteser in pale yellow trousers who did a high
forward roll – that's at least BAGA 2.
Belarus
Bendy microphones,
grown men fighting over hair straighteners, chain mail. And yet
still rubbish.
Portugal
Oh
look, Portugal have chosen a curvy woman to wail a lot over a bit of panpipe action - plus ça change... EXCEPT it
doesn't change. EVER. On one level, I do respect them for stubborn persistence in the face of zero success. On another level, dear God, it's dullsome. Actually, there was one slight amendment – this
year the lead singer wore wet-look silver, rather than the traditional full
length black wraparound and shawl. Progress of sorts, I suppose.
Ukraine
Two
of my three all-time Eurovision favs are Ukrainian, so my hopes are
always SO HIGH and, in the last few years, they have always been SO DASHED. This year was ok, but it wasn't vintage à la Ruslana or Sveltana. Plus points: a Sofia
Vergara-alike in a dress made entirely of white fringing, with a mad
plastic flower crown, surrounded by male dancers in neon uggs and
skirts, fake-playing trumpets. Down side: the entire song involved
her screaming 'BE MY GUEST' as loud as she physically could, over and
over and over in a range of pitches.
Bulgaria
At first I thought there
were a weird shadow being projected on to her thigh area, but it
turns out it was just bare upper thigh, and she was, in fact, squeezed into a white rubber mini dress and thigh high boots – think tight white pleather waders. Too much? Well, yes. But someone else can tell her – she looked like she
wouldn't hesitate to peel off her boots and stab you with the
stiletto heel through the neck.
Slovenia
For
reasons unknown, all six performers were dressed as brides. For other reasons
unknown, Head Bridezilla got to drape artificial fruit over her bridal
gown; but of course - clearly that's the dress every little girl dreams off - a couple of pears and a banana hanging from the neckline, maybe a kiwi chain round your waist... Anyway, if this is what the Slovenian Don't Tell The Bride is like, I
want BBC4 to purchase it pronto – now Borgen and The Bridge are over, I'm
looking for a tense new subtitled drama to get into.
Croatia
Another lady-ballad of
snooze – although I woke up at the line was “I'll never
pleasure your boo” (least I think that was it, but arguably my Serbo-Croat needs work). I
had to get a beer at this point. Though it is fairly amazing I made
it this far sober.
Sweden
Claudia
Winkleman in chiffon and
pantaloons, performing a contemporary dance routine with a 1) a wind
machine, 2) some snow and 3) a surprisingly lithe beefcake. Totally
amazing.
Georgia
Hooray!
A proper costume change – from sinister monk to gay best friend in one fell
swoop. Bonkers stuff, with many highlights – camp drumming (like
he didn't actually want to hit the bongo in case it hurt his
hands/damaged his nails); a whole section where the sole dance move
was to imitate a bitchy whisper and gossip with his
lovely corset-ed fag hag lady friends; the random appearance of a contorting woman in a
cutout catsuit (Vicki Bryan - @bookwormabroad - rightly tweeted her
concerns about the potential wedgie situation); and then a little
piano break. Someone give this guy his own light entertainment show. I'm fairly sure he'll accept peroxide supplies in lieu of cash payment.
Turkey
Edna
Mode may not like them (“NO, NO CAPES”), but that wasn't going to
stop these Turkish gentlemen from donning bedsheets round their necks, for a good old swish,
before using them to make an on-stage boat. Fine work.
Estonia
The
worst ballad yet – basically the rubbish bits of 'can't
liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, if living is without yoooooooou', but in Estonian.
At this stage, I happily left the room to take my washing out the
machine and tidy my dinner away - when chores are better than
Eurovision, there's a problem... Well so you'd think, but Europe
disagreed and put this through, so what do I know? (I know better than Europe, is the answer.)
Slovakia
My
notes say: 'rock – perm – man chest', which I think sums it up
quite neatly. There was also some debate as to whether the lead dude had
undergone some, how to put it, fairly extensive waxing, such was the
low slung nature of his leather trews. My view is that the front row almost certainly saw his testicles. Whether or not they were hair-free is not a matter I propose to dwell on.
Norway
Excellent
boy pop, from a gorgeous manchild with such a symmetrical face he might well have
been a Ken doll the Norwegians got genetically modified.
Bosnia
Herzegovina
The only memorable thing about this piano ballad was that the lady
lead was wearing jewel encrusted 3D shoulder pads.
Lithuania
His song was called Love is Blind, so he came out wearing a
(sequinned) blindfold – yes, a blindfold. Do you see? A
BLINDfold. To signify how LOVE is BLIND. Wow. Deep. Anyway, it was all
plodding along in a rather dull fashion, and then – out of nowhere
– he whipped off the blindfold, did a one handed handstand and a
few Michael Jackson pelvic thrusts, and went all Hi NRG Euro pop. He was
smug as hell, so I'd like to bitch that he should have kept the
blindfold on, but the reality is that he was not what one might call
unattractive.
AND WITH THAT, WE ARE DONE. BUT WHO WILL MAKE IT TO THE FINAL?!
Though first, a word on the half-time entertainment (Really?! Yes.)
Let's face it, hopes for this section should never be high, as it's been fairly shit for years (apart from when Jan Delay enabled Vicki and I to GET ON THE TELLY), and what's going to better Riverdance? (Particularly on a semi-final night?!) HOWEVER, Baku clearly decided to take a shot at the Riverdance crown and there was a moment when I even thought Flatley was going to be properly bettered, as we were treated to... wait for it... ONLY THE LAST FIVE EUROVIJ WINNERS SINGING THEIR WINNING SONGS (backed by traditional Azeri musicians in a desperate attempt to shoehorn some local flavour). Amaze!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!11
Let's face it, hopes for this section should never be high, as it's been fairly shit for years (apart from when Jan Delay enabled Vicki and I to GET ON THE TELLY), and what's going to better Riverdance? (Particularly on a semi-final night?!) HOWEVER, Baku clearly decided to take a shot at the Riverdance crown and there was a moment when I even thought Flatley was going to be properly bettered, as we were treated to... wait for it... ONLY THE LAST FIVE EUROVIJ WINNERS SINGING THEIR WINNING SONGS (backed by traditional Azeri musicians in a desperate attempt to shoehorn some local flavour). Amaze!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!11
First
out, Russia's Dima Bilan (sadly minus massive-honked ice-skating supremo
Evgeni Plushenko) wailing whatever forgettable ballad Putin
engineered a win for. That was then followed by Serbian lesbian power ballad QUEEN
Marija
Šerifović (who hasn't aged
a bit! She still looks exactly like a 14 year old boy) with some more
forgettable balladry. So far, so passable.
AND THEN, that familiar violin riff, and CUE TOTAL ROOM SWOON, as Norway's Alexander Rybak came out (possibly in all senses of the word), still hot, still with fiddle in hand and promptly put 'I'm in loooooove with a fairytaaaaaaaale' firmly back in everyone's head for the next hundred years. AND THEN THEN, just as Alex was 'rocking' his violin solo, we all remembered that crazeballs German Lena would be next (having purchased underwear, light blue) with that CHOON 'Satellite'! Oh the excitement! Especially as she was still unable to pronounce every other word in a recognisable accent. ACE stuff. WUNDERBAR.
AND THEN, that familiar violin riff, and CUE TOTAL ROOM SWOON, as Norway's Alexander Rybak came out (possibly in all senses of the word), still hot, still with fiddle in hand and promptly put 'I'm in loooooove with a fairytaaaaaaaale' firmly back in everyone's head for the next hundred years. AND THEN THEN, just as Alex was 'rocking' his violin solo, we all remembered that crazeballs German Lena would be next (having purchased underwear, light blue) with that CHOON 'Satellite'! Oh the excitement! Especially as she was still unable to pronounce every other word in a recognisable accent. ACE stuff. WUNDERBAR.
As
you can imagine, the crowd was in a fair old frenzy by this stage,
and not even the prospect of hearing last year's dud, 'Running
Scared' from hosts Azerbaijan, was going to faze them. UNTIL,
well... from the sublime to the ridiculous, as total shambles
ensued. The Azeri winners Ell and Thingy appeared (he in his presenter suit, she in a gold tea
towel of bitterness) and didn't perform any of Running Scared, but instead attempted
to sing Waterloo - and I say 'attempted' because, and I can still hardly even
believe this actually happened, THEY PROMPTLY FORGOT THE BLIMMIN'
WORDS.
TO
WATERLOO!
WATERLOO!!!!
How
is that even possible?! EVERYONE knows the words to Waterloo, don't
they? It's like the holy song! Anyway, it was awful. AWFUL. Not
even Marija's lesbian power could save it.
(Mind
you, even more awful is the apparent fact that the winners' five-way
was shunted to the semi final because the Azeri leader's son-in-law
will be performing in the final. I fear it will all go a bit Sasha
Baron Cohen, but, you know, real. It's a delightful regime, so I
hear.)
Anyway, then it was on to the total mess that is annoucing the finalists – where Lithuania (blindfold), Bos-Herz (shoulder
pads), Serbia (non lesbian power ballad), Ukraine (fringing), Sweden
(AMAZINGNESS), FYR Macedonia (trouser suit), Norway (Ken dåll),
Estonia (loo break), Malta (feet dancing) and Turkey (cape ship) were all announced.
And so we must now all try and contain our excitement until Saturday where the ultimate question will be answered:
WHO IS ACTUALLY RICH ENOUGH TO HOST IT NEXT YEAR?!
