1. Australia: Go-Jo – Milkshake Man
The Year of Filth entry #1:
(it *is* the 69th contest after all)
Moustachioed Oz mega-hunk sings camp glam rock-pop about… well, something (sample lyric: "Come and take a sip from my special cup / I heard that you could use a little pick-me-up / Taste it! taste it! I can tell you want a taste of the milkshake man!") tells me it might not actually be about milkshakes.
2.
Montenegro: Nina Žižić – Dobrodošli
Balkan
ballad, Balkan beauty, etc.
3.
Ireland: EMMY – Laika Party
Helium-pop
about dead Russian space dog Laika, because, sure. Emmy (who is Norwegian,
because, sure) famously beat Samatha Mumba in the Irish national final, to
which Mumba kicked off on social media that she hoped the jury would choke on a
bag of **aubergine emojis**. Dignified stuff all round.
4.
Latvia: Tautumeitas – Bur Man Laimi
Six
Latvian fairy witches chanting - and enchanting. Glug down the ayahuasca and
head to the Healing Fields; the fairy sirens are clearly plotting to murder you
but you’ll cark it at peak joy.
5.
Armenia: PARG – SURVIVOR
Imagine
Dragons cosplaying Lancelot, or Lancelot cosplaying Imagine Dragons. Either
way, my (male) children are going to love this one - I'll take any entry drug to Eurovision I can find for my offspring. And I can also enjoy saying
how it’s by someone called “Parg”.
6.
Austria: JJ – Wasted Love
Sad
boy opera trance in a thunderstorm. Only Sweden’s Sauna has better odds to win.
United
Kingdom: Remember Monday – What The Hell Just Happened?
I
don’t entirely hate the song, but I did go off on the Eurovij Whatsapp group
about how this trio of gals grew up on such a Gen Z diet of media training
that any kind of personality has been whittled away, beyond “watch us do pretty
gurning whilst we sing extremely, extremely well”. To quote a colleague after
he’d heard (endured) the song: “well, they clearly did GSCE Drama.” Miaowsers.
7.
Greece: Klavdia – Asteromáta
Enormo-specs
a la Nana Miskouri, and enormo-wailing voice, but the teeny-teeniest waist.
Hark, is that faint drum and bass I hear in the background? (We need jungle I’m
afraid.) It’s not the lab-grown cubic zirconian pop banger we expect from
Greece, but I’m not not into it.
8.
Lithuania: Katarsis – Tavo Akys
Depresso
indie bois dronathon. The lead singer has CURTAINS, which I’m even more
surprised to see back than I was moustaches!
9.
Malta: Miriana Conte – SERVING
WELL.
WELL.
The Year of Filth entry #2:
Poor Miriana (bleached eyebrows’n’lip-filler) was hoping to include a bit of local flavour in her performance, by singing in both Maltese AND English – something we can all get on board with, RIGHT? The Maltese word she wanted to sing? Just the word for “singing/music”. How lovely! How apt! Oh do you know the Maltese for music? Well, it’s “kant”. Yes, with a London accent. With the full lyric being “do-re-mi-fa-sol-la, serving KANT”. (Doe a deer this is not.) But, can you believe it - the BBC had the gall to suggest Ofcom might not go for repeated shouts of “c*nt” on primetime pre-watershed UK television? Hashtag CENSORED. Mirana has therefore updated the lyric to “do-re-mi-fa-sol-la, serving [SOUND EFFECT]” and I’m sure we can rely on the Eurogays in the arena not to fill in the blank with the c-bomb. At least her performance still involves her rhythmically bouncing on a space hopper/yoga ball, which is equally as subtle. May the crowd silencing technology remain in our prayers.
10.
Georgia: Mariam Shengelia – Freedom
At
this point the ballady ones have truly merged in my brain. No frame of
reference for whether or not this is good.
France:
Louane – maman
Another bookies’ favourite – emosh ballad about how she lost her mum then became a mum. Turns me into that eyes welling with tears emoji.
11.
Denmark: Sissal – Hallucination
Buxom
Daney lady, in bejewelled leotard and thighs of steel. A 90s Euro diva bangah,
which will be excellent if the vocals hold.
12.
Czechia: ADONXS – Kiss Kiss Goodbye
Moody
Bond vibes with typical Czech hipsterness (I think? I usually love what Czechia
do, but Adonxs has passed me by a bit). And more tash action, gosh these boys!
13.
Luxembourg: Laura Thorn – La Poupée Monte Le Son
One
of Luxembourg’s greatest Eurovision triumphs was France Gall
(cough*FRENCH*cough) singing lyrics by Serge Gainsbourg (cough*FRENCH*cough) with the song Poupee de Cire Poupee de Son. The words, musing on pop starlet
identity, weren’t without controversy (par for the Gainsbourg course), not
least because France Gall was 17 when she innocently sang puns and double meanings handed to her by
37 year old Gainsbourg, perhaps without sufficient explanation. Luxembourg's entry this year, also rooted in sweet girl pop, is billed as a song more defiantly
celebrating female empowerment - but I note the song-writing team has a total of
zero women on it, and features lovely Laura dressed as a heavily made-up little
girl doll. Not quite my brand of feminism perhaps.
14.
Israel: Yuval Raphael – New Day Will Rise
Emotive
ballad. But then so was Russia’s A Million Voices. I'll leave it there, I
think, or here.
Germany:
Abor & Tynna – Baller
I
saw Run Lola Run again earlier this year and mein Gott there’s not much cooler
than a nonchalant young beautiful German woman with excellent hair. This is a
cracking bit of catchy electro pop, but I do fear for the vocal perf.
15.
Serbia: Princ – Mila
The
Beast (as in Beauty and) materialised as hot Serbian man ballading and emoting
and wafting in the smoke machine-ing.
16.
Finland: Erika Vikman – ICH KOMME
The Year of Filth entry #3.
MY FAV.
A rock ode to having a climatic moment with a
trance God, which culminates in Erika thrusting on a giant microphone prop as
the song gets faster and faster. It's an absolute triumph and my winner of the year, family-friendly considerations aside. I’d like to welcome guest
blogger, my Anglo-Finn friend Essi and her amazing translation
of the lyrics – please read to the footnotes, and brace your pulsing nethers!
