Norway
Queen of
Kings – Alessandra
Fashion:
Greek goddess crown and green velvet doublet, in a sexy leotard way.
Music: big
old dance beat over baroque trills and something of the sea shanty.
Choreo:
Mainly stamping.
Overall effect: VERY GOOD
Did this
make it? Yes
Are we
surprised? Not in the slightest.
Malta
Dance (Our Own Party) - The
Busker
Joyful and silly sax pop (almost
epic, certainly a guy). These three young Maltesers seemed an absolute delight,
bopping along in glittery knitwear with a tribute to leaving Da Club for a low-key
back to mine house party. Sample lyrics:
“I feel better / in my sweater” … “I got some indoor shoes / I can offer you”.
Did this make it? Sorry Malta
- Eurovision audiences clearly prefer a proper night out OUT. Outdoor shoes on everybody.
Are we surprised? I think
even the band sensed this would be the end of their journey - they were always
first hands up for any backstage interaction, much to Alesha’s irritation (she
didn’t reference this in her rap though).
Serbia
Samo mi se
spava - Luke Black
Young man
in mascara and hair dye (black) with billowing blouse and face powder (white)
singing a deliberately breathy and creepy song about either death or
video games (or both), drawing heavily on Placebo and The Matrix - and by “drawing heavily” I mean
straightforward lifting of all the gothy industrial stuff, including depressing
lyrics about sleeping forever and employing be-leathered zombie dancers looking
drugged and unhappy, with plugs and cables drilled into their backs. (It’s been a while since I watched Keanu et
al, but that’s the gist, right?) It felt
a bit A-Level art project – too much weird and not enough substance. Perhaps Luke’s still working out some stuff,
and maybe he’ll be the next Konstrakta (her of last year with the sexy/austere nurse
uniform and clapping, who we are told is his mentor). Or maybe he’ll finish the A-levels, pick a
degree in AI development and spend his millions on a loft apartment, a deluxe gaming
system and whatever else he can find to mask his creative regrets.
Did this
make it? Surely… what?
It did? Yes. (Hello?)
Are we
surprised? Eurovision loves weird, but I thought they’d
focus their efforts on Croatia.
Latvia
Aijā -
Sudden Lights
Having a
verse in 5/4 was always going to be a challenging sell (I did wonder at first
if he’d even come in at the right time). But this was charming low key electro
indie, beautifully staged with a great light show and great band chemistry, all
of which would have elicited an approving nod from the snobby dad musos who,
well, don’t watch Eurovision. I don’t
like to say things are too cool for Eurovision, as nothing is too cool for
Eurovision, because Eurovision is EXTREMELY cool. This was just too serious for
Eurovision.
Did this
make it? There wasn’t much more they could have done
TBH.
Are we
surprised? Guess not, but I’d have loved to see this in
the final.
Portugal
Ai Coração
– Mimicat
Her name is
Mimicat and she wore a scarlet feather puffball dress with red evening gloves
and big curly hair piled up on her head and she did a rousing oompa schlager
cabaret number and she was surrounded by dancers in red who did a lot of
swirling and gurning and swishing and grinning and there is nothing about this
that 11 year old me wouldn’t have absolutely loved and 44 year old me was
frankly well into it too. I was going to
say Mimicat has Big Samantha Jones energy but I’m not sure what that says about
me as an 11 year old. Or indeed a 44 year old one.
Did this
make it? Yes
Are we
surprised? Sam always gets what she wants (not having to
appear in the dire SATC reboot* for starters).
*Obviously
I will 100% be watching every episode of every season of And Just Like That
until they can it like the desperate turkey it is. (Sorry to turkeys.)
Ireland
We Are One
- Wild Youth
The song was fine, anthemic and catchy enough (Baby U2 someone said), but the band didn’t quite carry the charisma or joy or musicality or outright madcap of the other ensembles performing in this semi. That might have been negotiable, but the styling choices, boy oh boy… Indeed, boy is the word, as of that there was no doubt – your main man had on a gold sequined Elvis-y jumpsuit so tight it not only entered the full glittery bum crack, but also appeared to slice his actual testicles. I guess it might have been an attempt at something Eurovision-y or Manneskin-y but it mainly screamed “I mustn’t breathe out, of course I need the toilet and MY GOD THE PAIN”. That getup was never going to help a performance, but nor was the entirely incohesive progressively more casual outfits from the rest of them, starting with Captain Billy Idol Birdseye, via gold fringing on a Burton blazer, to 's’ok I’ll just nip to Sports Direct and grab an Adidas tracksuit thanks'.
Did this
make it? Nope.
Are we
surprised? Poor Ireland – maybe they actually should
send some priests and a horse at this point.
Croatia
Mama ŠČ! -
Let 3
Eurovision
staple ahoy! Operatic punky pop
interspersed with backwards Queen samples, from five middle aged Croatians in
sailor dresses, exaggerated make up and handlebar moustaches, doing a dance
routine consisting of marching, tantrum writhing, fists in air, the macarena
and the conga. Halfway through a guy dressed as Lurch appears holding two large carboard rocket missiles, at which point our five gentlemen strip to baggy Y-fronts and
wife-beaters and run to their instruments for some proper rock gig work. It’s ridiculous, of course, but Let 3 have
decades of satirical performances behind them, and this is actually a deeply
critical song about authoritarian control and a tractor gifted by the
Belorussian leader/dictator to a certain Mr V Putin. It’s also catchy AF.
Did this
make it? Yes!!!!!!!!!!
Are we
surprised? The Saturday audience will feel delighted and
vindicated in equal measure.
Switzerland
Watergun -
Remo Forrer
Three in a
row now for Swiss sad boy ballads - probably my second least favourite Eurovision theme (after Italian showy man ballads),
but we are where we are. The theme this
year is the internal struggle of a young man from a famously neutral nation not
wanting to go war - and presumably not having to? So… yeah. Ahem.
Did this
make it? Remo got recruited!
Are we
surprised? This was a highly slick and polished performance
so I’ll grudgingly admit it was fairly rewarded even if it wasn’t my fav.
Israel
Unicorn - Noa Kirel
What
happens after triple, quadruple, quint-something threat? Cause I reckon Noa Kirel is probably there (AND she’s a trained
killer to boot). We're basically talking mega famous,
with multiple MTV awards, beauty beyond human comprehension, who can SANG and
who can DANCE and with energy levels untold.
But before you get swept up into thinking this is a rave review, here’s my
clear throwing of caution: Noa's dance is more angry cardio yoga thrashing – no easy
feat in pleather trackies and bra – and the song is no more than a series of
second rate electronic pop hooks which are well produced individually but don’t really flow together. This is nakedly commercial professionalism, a
lifetime of honed talent and proficiency and the overpowering stench of rock solid child star determination.
Did this
make it? Impossible to fight such stench.
Are we
surprised? From an actual pop star slash actual soldier?
Come on.
Moldova
Soarele și
Luna - Pasha Parfeni
Ethno
panpipe rave, man buns, Glasto crystals, energetic pagan dancing, egg-timer oil
drums, fire, prayer, big curved dreadlocked devil she-horns, smoke, driving
beats, beaded necklaces, arm fringing, small pied piper, wooden flute solo, chanting,
metallic tunic tops, capoeira, dead goat mask, chest hair, meditation, lasers, smizing,
hemp jackets, dancing still dancing, disco lights, background wailing,
high camp and deep seriousness. The whole
thing was so immersive and mesmeric that I’m fairly certain old Pasha conjured
up Mother Nature, a couple of Gorgons and the druid from Asterix by the end of
these proceedings.
Did this
make it? Thank the power of the ritual!
Are we
surprised? I look at that list and wonder how it was ever
in doubt.
Sweden
Tattoo - Loreen
I’m not
sure I have sufficient neutrality to judge this – Loreen’s as close to god as
it gets for a Eurovision fan. Even ten
years on, we’re talking a woman who can pull off a flesh coloured animal-skin-meets-compression-stockings
bikini, chaps and sleeves combo, whilst trapped in a giant George Foreman/iPad
sandwich, with talons the length of biros, dreads down her back and the Winkleman
fringe still flapping in her eyes. Musically,
it’s luscious strings, a slow build up, maximum dramz, just the right amount of reverb and emoting, tonnes of big voice, and earnestly pronouncing tattoo “tat-ooh-ee-ooooooh”. She's the coolest woman on earth.
Did this
make it? Hell would
have frozen over, and we’d all have been in the queue to get ourselves down there.
Are we
surprised? We. Are. Not.
Azerbaijan
Tell Me
More – TuralTuranX
I guess being
placed after Loreen was a bit shitty, but it was always going to be an uphill
battle for this identical twin gently harmonic indie twee number (though one twin
looked oddly like Alexander Armstrong whilst the other one… didn’t). We can admire their nicely cut velvet suits and
psychedelic turtle necks (with a soupcon of foulard), and smile encouragingly at
their perfectly styled messy curly mops, but in the end *trombone sound*.
Did this
make it? No
Are we
surprised? No
Czechia
My Sister's
Crown - Vesna
It’s not often
that female popstars look like they’d be more likely found interning at a contemporary art gallery or taking a latte to
the library, but these six women are the epitome of twenty-something hip to be
square, and weird, and defiant, and creative and arty and lots of other adjectives
that speak to how I find them extremely cool and badass. Though they’re proper musos they’ve not felt
compelled to brandish the musical instruments that they can actually play, instead
accompanying their moreish choral hook with head to toe pink tops and trousers (100% they have pockets) and a brilliant
made-up-at-a-slumber-party DIY dance routine for this, their shot on the world’s
biggest musical stage. This is FEMINISM bitches. The dance routine is mainly swinging giant
pigtails and swanning around the place on six personal catwalks then doing some
power stances and burling, but I absolutely LOVE this.
I love it ALL. Well, apart from
the slightly cringy bits which sound like machine translation English. I 99.9% LOVE this. I (nearly) love it ALL.
Did this
make it? Yes!
Are we
surprised? Mainly relieved.
Netherlands
Burning
Daylight - Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper
From giant
pigtails being swung like clubs to horrible little rattail ones pointlessly peaking
out of a lady mullet. (I don’t like to
be so personal in my meanness these days, but we all have limits and that ‘do
was a horror.) Whilst I’m on hair, I
should concede that the other side of this boy girl duo (namely the boy one) had
very soft and shiny curls, which invited a seedy finger ruffle through the locks. You’ll note that, so far, my main takeaway is
inappropriate barnet feelings, which isn’t great, is it? Songwise, it won me over - a dark, moody London
Grammar-y ballad, perfectly well sung and quite simply staged,
but but…
Did this
make it? No.
Are we
surprised? Good song which lost in the maelstrom of more
memorable performances, extremely bad hair and sub-par on stage chemistry.
Finland
Cha Cha Cha
– Käärijä
Chubby yet
buff bowl-cut knowing weirdo in lime green PVC bolero puff sleeves does novelty
pop meets industrial rave. Charm in droves.
That’s what my preview said and that’s still where I stand.
Did this
make it? Cha cha cha cha cha cha JA!
Are we
surprised? Twas never in doubt,
OMG, we’re finally
done. This was a crazy competitive semi,
but it threw up the goods for the final - I only really feel sad that Lativa
got culled. (My favourite bit of the
night though, was the postcards – conceptually the best we’ve ever had, even
compared to the ones from the nineties featuring the topless sunbathers of Cyprus. I won’t spoil them for the final.)
Back again Thursday night to do this all again, only with fewer quality bangers I’m afraid. BONNE NUIT!
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