- what I remember from a 30 second TikTok or three
- what the algorithm thinks I want to see
- Semi final 1 (Tuesday)
Norway
Queen of Kings – Alessandra
High NRG She-Ra Sea Shanty
Surefire finalist
Malta
Dance (Our Own Party) - The Busker
Has a sax in it - TBC on whether it's epic/a guy. Has mostly passed me by.
Unlikely finalist
Serbia
Samo mi se spava - Luke Black
In spite of the Konstrakta endorsement (her of last year with the sexy austere nurse uniform and clapping triumph), this manic dream pixie boy does guitary manga pop ain't my thing.
Latvia
Aijā - Sudden Lights
Thoughtful indie fare. The video is beautiful young Latvians in turtleneck neutrals silently dancing in an empty swimming pool.
Dark horse finalists if they mobilise the hip vote (famously present on Eurovision SF#1 night)
Portugal
Ai Coração – Mimicat
Almodovar (yes I know he’s from next door) screechy catchy weirdness from fifties-haired blonde in scarlet, which I think I’m going to very deeply love when I see it live.
Hopefully a finalist, but they’re calling this semi: The Bloodbath.
Ireland
We Are One - Wild Youth
Not entirely hateful boy band anthem which might get lost in the maelstrom but rehearsal footage suggests the lead singer is wearing a gold lamé version of Phil Wang’s Taskmaster jumpsuit.
Jumpsuit dependant finalists
Croatia
Mama ŠČ! - Let 3
Pre-Iron curtain handlebar moustache performance artist rock band in pink naval uniforms socking it to P*tin (obviously entirely apolitically cause EBU Rules) - very WTF, but also *extremely* knowing. This is what you watch the semi finals for.
Something madcap usually ends up in the final
Switzerland
Watergun - Remo Forrer
Swiss sad boy ballad 2023 is better than Swiss sad boy ballad 2022 but not as good as Swiss sad boy ballad 2021.
Hopefully not finalists (soz la Suisse)
Israel
Unicorn - Noa Kirel
Blindingly beautiful lithe popstrel does at least five pop songs in one, but not in an amazing Girls Aloud way; more Swedish super producer feeds TikTok offcuts into a machine, fills three minutes and just sticks with what comes out. The dance break appears terrifyingly athletic.
Almost certainly a finalist (though probably wouldn't be on my watch)
Moldova
Soarele și Luna - Pasha Parfeni
Joe Wicks after several stints in Glastonbury's Green fields. This is Pasha's third Eurovision, so he's clearly living his best life.
Wildcard - could make it.
Sweden
Tattoo – Loreen
Her from Euphoria, back to rival Johnny Logan. A cut above.
Malmo 2024
Azerbaijan
Tell Me More – TuralTuranX
Jingly jangly twee guitar pop from Azeri twins who are the love children of Brian and Jared Leto from My So Called Life.
Hopefully not finalists unless Azerbaijan have bought their way through again. EYE ROLL
Czechia
My Sister's Crown - Vesna
Six very thin Slavic female musos, doing something different and interesting and arty (in the music video at least), clearly retaining full artistic control over the content. (Though I’ve had to suppress a recoil on some weird English language translations and inaccurate grammar in the lyrics.) It's honestly refreshing to see young women not oversexualising themselves and playing with fashion and creativity in a high concept way, rather than a can you see my pants of course this was written by a highly paid team of middle-aged men way.
Robbed if they don’t get through - but the live performance has a lot to live up to.
Netherlands
Burning Daylight - Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper
I think it might be quite a nice slow moody number, but there’s been almost no cut through and boy girl ballads have a high risk cringe factor (bit like this blog BOOM BOOM).
Gonna be an uphill battle to the final
Finland
Cha Cha Cha – Käärijä
Chubby yet buff bowl-cut knowing weirdo in lime green PVC bolero puff sleeves does novelty pop meets industrial rave. Charm in droves.
Right on Loreen’s heels 100% finalist
- Semi final 2 (Thursday)
Denmark
Breaking My Heart – Reiley
Jewel of a pop ditty sung by adorable curly haired boy child.
I’m alone in liking this apparently, but the quality in this semi is considerably lower than Tuesday.
Armenia
Future Lover - Brunette
Her body is tiny, her voice is mighty, and her song is utterly forgettable.
50-50 finalist
Romania
D.G.T. (Off and On) - Theodor Andrei
Studied eccentricity (top hat and wire rimmed specs or the like) in a pop-rock package. (That’s actually a guess on musical style – I really can’t remember the song.)
Adios me bebebe
Estonia
Bridges - Alika
Welcome to the ballad semi final – worthy and dramatic stuff to which we… snooze.
One of the ballads will probably make it – why not this one?
Belgium
Because of You - Gustaph
Who knew the nineties revival would be diva house over jangly boy guitars? The leader of the house is now a Belgian man in a giant hat for whom memories of the decade are real and not vintage. (Of course his name is Gustaph.) Cheese for miles, but certainly feelgood.
I’m going to generously tout surprise finalist
Cyprus
Break a Broken Heart - Andrew Lambrou
More ballad, this time in young attractive man form.
One of the ballads will probably make it – why not this one?
Iceland
Power - Diljá
Upbeat pop earworm from a young blonde in Spice Girl trainerplatforms who’s Bjorked her hair into buns. Unlike Gustaph, this one really won't remember the era she's aping, nor will she have been alive.
The bookies aren’t smiling down on this one, but I like it.
Greece
What They Say - Victor Vernicos
Oh maybe *this* is the ballad in young attractive man form… I can’t recall. (They'll give each other the douze regardlesss - if they make it.)
One of the ballads will probably make it – why not this one? (Cause it might not be a ballad?)
Poland
Solo - Blanka
Hollyoaks bra-less pop. Oh Poland.
I understand her live vocals are, how to say, a concern. She does appear able to do the splits though.
Slovenia
Carpe Diem - Joker Out
Jovial guitar pop from jovial young male band.
Could charm their way through, especially in this slimmer pickings semi-final.
Georgia
Echo - Iru
And we all sink back into a big voiced ballad stoop.
San Marino
Like An Animal - Piqued Jacks
San Marino went local this year, so a band as good as you’d expect from a population of 34,000.
Like, not a finalist
Austria
Who The Hell Is Edgar? - Teya & Salena
Female duo offer up outrageously catchy pop song which seems utterly flimsy but turns out to be biting satire. I wholeheartedly love this.
Finalist, SURELY.
Albania
Duje - Albina & Familja Kelmendi
A family around a campfire singing, but better than that makes it sound?
In with a shot by virtue of being a bit different...
Lithuania
Stay - Monika Linkytė
Ballad with upbeat chorus. (I never promised total accuracy ok.) She’s blonde, she's done the contest before, she seems lovely. I quite like this and I really like her (specifically her sarky zero fucks given retorts to Lithuanians giving her shit about her entry), but it's not quite up there with recent Lithuanian gains.
Maybe not this year for Lithuania, but fingers crossed.
Australia
Promise – Voyager
Looks like heavy metal, sounds like eighties synth. Featuring guitar *and* keytar from a stylish charming crew (who also remember the nineties first time).
Hopefully finalists – Oz are firmly part of the EV gang and I do not want to see them leave.
Big 5 (straight through to Saturday night)
AKA the ones who pay to get through, or won the thing last year, so we don't need to, you know, rate their chances of making the final.
France
Évidemment - La Zarra
Gorgeously catchy toe-tapping disco chanson francaise (from a Canadian). Fiere.
Germany
Blood & Glitter - Lord of the Lost
The title says it all – wants to be scary rock, is actually high camp guitar pop. (Sung with a delicious German meets Old Etonian accent.)
Italy
Due vite - Marco Mengoni
Blah blah standard conventional attractive Italian man leather trousers big lung pop stuff blah blah
Spain
Eaea - Blanca Paloma
Flamenco wailing which I’m told is AMAZING live, and whilst it's not cut through for me on Spotify, she’s undeniably cool as fuck.
Ukraine
Heart of Steel – Tvorchi
Pretty meh Ukrainian soulful rap duo.
United Kingdom
I Wrote a Song - Mae Muller
The most catchy and coherent song of the girl pop lot, which digs into your ears more effectively than almost any other number on rotation. It’s ok. I absolutely can’t call how it will do, but it doesn’t seem out of place on the Radio 1 playlist. (Please note: I only listen to Radio 1 on the motorway when we're on the cusp of delirious and need to wake ourselves up a bit on long car journeys).
That's it. Rendez-vous tonight for The Bloodbath.
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