Speed preview 2025 - SF #2

1. Australia: Go-Jo – Milkshake Man

The Year of Filth entry #1: 

(it *is* the 69th contest after all) 

Moustachioed Oz mega-hunk sings camp glam rock-pop about… well, something (sample lyric: "Come and take a sip from my special cup / I heard that you could use a little pick-me-up / Taste it! taste it! I can tell you want a taste of the milkshake man!") tells me it might not actually be about milkshakes. 

 

2. Montenegro: Nina Žižić – Dobrodošli

Balkan ballad, Balkan beauty, etc.

 

3. Ireland: EMMY – Laika Party

Helium-pop about dead Russian space dog Laika, because, sure. Emmy (who is Norwegian, because, sure) famously beat Samatha Mumba in the Irish national final, to which Mumba kicked off on social media that she hoped the jury would choke on a bag of **aubergine emojis**. Dignified stuff all round.

 

4. Latvia: Tautumeitas – Bur Man Laimi

Six Latvian fairy witches chanting - and enchanting. Glug down the ayahuasca and head to the Healing Fields; the fairy sirens are clearly plotting to murder you but you’ll cark it at peak joy.

 

5. Armenia: PARG – SURVIVOR

Imagine Dragons cosplaying Lancelot, or Lancelot cosplaying Imagine Dragons. Either way, my (male) children are going to love this one - I'll take any entry drug to Eurovision I can find for my offspring. And I can also enjoy saying how it’s by someone called “Parg”.

 

6. Austria: JJ – Wasted Love

Sad boy opera trance in a thunderstorm. Only Sweden’s Sauna has better odds to win.

 

United Kingdom: Remember Monday – What The Hell Just Happened?

I don’t entirely hate the song, but I did go off on the Eurovij Whatsapp group about how this trio of gals grew up on such a Gen Z diet of media training that any kind of personality has been whittled away, beyond “watch us do pretty gurning whilst we sing extremely, extremely well”. To quote a colleague after he’d heard (endured) the song: “well, they clearly did GSCE Drama.” Miaowsers.

 

7. Greece: Klavdia – Asteromáta

Enormo-specs a la Nana Miskouri, and enormo-wailing voice, but the teeny-teeniest waist. Hark, is that faint drum and bass I hear in the background? (We need jungle I’m afraid.) It’s not the lab-grown cubic zirconian pop banger we expect from Greece, but I’m not not into it.

 

8. Lithuania: Katarsis – Tavo Akys

Depresso indie bois dronathon. The lead singer has CURTAINS, which I’m even more surprised to see back than I was moustaches!

 

9. Malta: Miriana Conte – SERVING

WELL.

WELL.

The Year of Filth entry #2:

Poor Miriana (bleached eyebrows’n’lip-filler) was hoping to include a bit of local flavour in her performance, by singing in both Maltese AND English – something we can all get on board with, RIGHT? The Maltese word she wanted to sing? Just the word for “singing/music”. How lovely! How apt! Oh do you know the Maltese for music? Well, it’s “kant”. Yes, with a London accent. With the full lyric being “do-re-mi-fa-sol-la, serving KANT”. (Doe a deer this is not.) But, can you believe it - the BBC had the gall to suggest Ofcom might not go for repeated shouts of “c*nt” on primetime pre-watershed UK television? Hashtag CENSORED. Mirana has therefore updated the lyric to “do-re-mi-fa-sol-la, serving [SOUND EFFECT]” and I’m sure we can rely on the Eurogays in the arena not to fill in the blank with the c-bomb. At least her performance still involves her rhythmically bouncing on a space hopper/yoga ball, which is equally as subtle. May the crowd silencing technology remain in our prayers.

 

10. Georgia: Mariam Shengelia – Freedom

At this point the ballady ones have truly merged in my brain. No frame of reference for whether or not this is good.

 

France: Louane – maman

Another bookies’ favourite – emosh ballad about how she lost her mum then became a mum. Turns me into that eyes welling with tears emoji.

 

11. Denmark: Sissal – Hallucination

Buxom Daney lady, in bejewelled leotard and thighs of steel. A 90s Euro diva bangah, which will be excellent if the vocals hold.

 

12. Czechia: ADONXS – Kiss Kiss Goodbye

Moody Bond vibes with typical Czech hipsterness (I think? I usually love what Czechia do, but Adonxs has passed me by a bit). And more tash action, gosh these boys!

 

13. Luxembourg: Laura Thorn – La Poupée Monte Le Son

One of Luxembourg’s greatest Eurovision triumphs was France Gall (cough*FRENCH*cough) singing lyrics by Serge Gainsbourg (cough*FRENCH*cough) with the song Poupee de Cire Poupee de Son. The words, musing on pop starlet identity, weren’t without controversy (par for the Gainsbourg course), not least because France Gall was 17 when she innocently sang puns and double meanings handed to her by 37 year old Gainsbourg, perhaps without sufficient explanation.  Luxembourg's entry this year, also rooted in sweet girl pop, is billed as a song more defiantly celebrating female empowerment - but I note the song-writing team has a total of zero women on it, and features lovely Laura dressed as a heavily made-up little girl doll. Not quite my brand of feminism perhaps.

 

14. Israel: Yuval Raphael – New Day Will Rise

Emotive ballad. But then so was Russia’s A Million Voices. I'll leave it there, I think, or here.

 

Germany: Abor & Tynna – Baller

I saw Run Lola Run again earlier this year and mein Gott there’s not much cooler than a nonchalant young beautiful German woman with excellent hair. This is a cracking bit of catchy electro pop, but I do fear for the vocal perf.

 

15. Serbia: Princ – Mila

The Beast (as in Beauty and) materialised as hot Serbian man ballading and emoting and wafting in the smoke machine-ing.

 

16. Finland: Erika Vikman – ICH KOMME

The Year of Filth entry #3. 

MY FAV. 

A rock ode to having a climatic moment with a trance God, which culminates in Erika thrusting on a giant microphone prop as the song gets faster and faster. It's an absolute triumph and my winner of the year, family-friendly considerations aside. I’d like to welcome guest blogger, my Anglo-Finn friend Essi and her amazing translation of the lyrics – please read to the footnotes, and brace your pulsing nethers!

Ich Komme by Erika Vikman, translated to English by Essi L

 

[ICH KOMME]

 

It’s night

Our hearts strike

We sink into our netherlands

The moon rises, my motherland arches

My gates open

 

I’m Erika

Welcome

You gorgeous god of trance

Feel like you’ve come home,

Do it how you like it and

When you come…I’ll come with you

 

[ICH KOMME

ICH KOMME]

 

And before s/he comes s/he shouts to me

[ICH KOMME

ICH KOMME]

And then I echo even harder

[ICH KOMME

ICH KOMME]

And we come together and we’re right there

[ICH KOMME

ICH KOMME]

And this is what it’s like in my pulsing nethers

[ICH KOMME

ICH KOMME]

 

Hi, I’m Erika,

Fun to meet ya

I’d dance a wedding waltz with ya, except naked

I am Erika

You’ve got stamina

Come at me again

Take a hold of my buttcheek

And when you want pussy again

Shout “encore”, and bébé

 

[ICH KOMME

ICH KOMME]

 

And again when s/he comes, s/he shouts to me again

[ICH KOMME

ICH KOMME]

And I can’t do anything except wail, ich komme

[ICH KOMME

ICH KOMME]

And we come together and we’re just like that

[ICH KOMME

ICH KOMME]

And this is what it’s like to fall in love-eey-ohyeah

 

Instrumental

 

Andiamo and let it happen for you

Bébé give yourself and let yourself come too

Stars in your eyes and I’m on top of you

Bébé you deserve all the good this can give you.

 

Andiamo and let it happen for you

Bébé you can still fall in love with yourself too

Stars in your eyes and me on top

Bébé you deserve all the good this can give you.

 

[ICH KOMME, ICH KOMME]

Ich Komme

[ICH KOMME, ICH KOMME]

Pussy’s jumping

[ICH KOMME, ICH KOMME]

Hey bébé

This is what it’s like in my throbbing pussy

[ICH KOMME, ICH KOMME]

 

Some textual notes:

1.      Finnish only has a gender neutral pronoun, so I translated this as “s/he” to give a wider range of possibilities for identification, but could also gone for  “they” in its singular use. 

2.      I would have loved to put it in a Manc accent – Erika is from Tampere, often called the Manchester of Finland.  But I’m not clever enough. 

3.      The hardest words to translate were “lovee lankee” and there has been a lot of discussion on Finnish fansites and media about what this means.  There are at least three layers of meaning.  “Lovee” could be a loan word from the English “love”, so falling in love.  However “lovi” is a name for the Finnish pre-Christian netherworld, which you can enter through a trance.  In this context, it can also be used as a somewhat mystical word for the vulva.  So I went with the translation “nethers” as being a slightly comical northern word in English (and drawn from a Norse word) for what you have “down there” but it also picks up on “netherland”.  This also led me to choose “motherland” where she is saying something like the Earth is arching.  Erika likes it when her fans say that Mother is Mothering.   

4.      There are actually three languages used: Finnish, the ICH KOMME in German, and “Let’s go” and “baby” in English.  So I translated the Finnish to English, left ICH KOMME as it is, and the other words translated to other European languages that a British listener might associate with sex and romance.

5.      There were various other phrases that I felt were hard to translate literally, particularly the post orgasmic “ollaan silleen” – we’re like that, we’re here, we’re existing right now in a state where literally any coherent words are beyond us?  Mmmmm…

Speed preview 2025 - SF #1

 

1. Iceland: VÆB – RÓA

Bacofoil Jedward do joyful sea shanty.

 

2. Poland: Justyna Steczkowska – GAJA

Leatherclad witchy siren (with actual potion powers to look like that at 52).

 

3. Slovenia: Klemen – How Much Time Do We Have Left

Imagine Rory Bremner (i.e., known mainly for comedy impressions) singing a serious song about his wife having cancer, but Slovenian. (Hmmkay.)

 

4. Estonia: Tommy Cash – Espresso Macchiato

Proper musical artiste hipster, known for gross-out porny performance art and being friends with Charli XCX, here doing a silly pop ditty which mocks Italians and includes the superlative lyric: “No stresso, no stresso / No need to be depresso”.

 

Spain: Melody – ESA DIVA

Blonde banger in bejewelled leotard and tit tape.

 

5. Ukraine: Ziferblat – Bird of Pray

Folksy-pop and Gerry Andersen puppet fashion (I knew moustaches had made a comeback amongst 20somethings, but didn’t have lilac acrylic flares and Vulcan feather cuts on the list).

 

6. Sweden: KAJ – Bara Bada Bastu

Hilariously beat out 2015 Eurovision winner Mans Zemerlow in the Swedish national final, to represent the Scandi Pop Titans with… a joke entry about saunas. And yet remain the favourite to win the whole thing.

 

7. Portugal: NAPA – Deslocado

Madeiran Sleeperblokes do sad indie, not that Portugal give a fado what the rest of us think. Portugal gonna Portugal and long may that last.

 

8. Norway: Kyle Alessandro – Lighter

K-pop bop (yes from Norway) with laboratory slick choreo. Kyle was asked in an interview if the "I’ll be my own lighter" lyric was a reference to being asked for a ciggie, to which he replied “actually the song is about my mother being diagnosed with cancer”. 

So that happened.

 

9. Belgium: Red Sebastian – Strobe Lights

Acceptable electro-pop anthem though some might say (NOT ME) needs a charisma kick which doesn’t come naturally to all Belgians.

 

Italy: Lucio Corsi – Volevo Essere Un Duro

Sad Italian clown wants to be Ziggy Stardust. No stresso, no stresso, no need to be depresso, my friend!

 

10. Azerbaijan: Mamagama - Run With U

AI-generated Justin Timberlake.

 

11. San Marino: Gabry Ponte – Tutta L’Italia

To chose their Eurovision representative, Italy hold a week-long contest with Strictly Come Dancing levels of popularity. And much like Strictly, the Sam Remo festival has a theme tune. And San Marino, A WHOLE DIFFERENT COUNTRY, have selected that theme tune as their entry for the 2025 Eurovision Song Contest. Absolute scenes. Incredible work.

 

12. Albania: Shkodra Elektronike – Zjerm

More witchy enthno-pop goodness.

 

13. Netherlands: Claude – C’est La Vie

Natural successor to Dr Alban’s It’s My Life, which you’ll recall from rollerblading on the beach in white hotpants’n’a tampon advertising.

 

14. Croatia: Marko Bošnjak – Poison Cake

Goth boy screeching “take a bite of my POISON CAKE”. Unlistenable.

 

Switzerland: Zoë Më – Voyage

The one the male musos might deign to acknowledge is “sort of ok actually” but is of course an absolute snoozefest.

 

15. Cyprus: Theo Evan – Shh

Handsome man pop. I’ve deliberately not watched this one as I’m told the staging will astound, which may leave my expectations somewhat unmanaged.

2024 Speed preview – SF #2

Mamma mia, here we go again. I actually found SF1 a bit muted – is this an open year or one of limited quality?  At least the results were joyfully incomprehensible, as if we’d have it any other way. Basically, it’s good news if you’re bringing the crazeballs, a girl bop danceathon or a absolute dirge wailfest. 

 

So on that note, well done to Serbia (bodystocking ballad), Portugal (white corset ballad), Slovenia (rags on a rock ballad), Ukraine (epic choral cracker), Lithuania (hipster electro), Finland (actual arse but I can’t deny it’s growing on me, SORRY), Cyprus (Britney-esque teen pop), Croatia (folk nu-metal joy), Ireland (occult bikini sacrifice) and Luxembourg (woman in bouncy pig-tales).

 

Bad luck and au revoir to Poland (latex chess Gaga), Iceland (Huns Unite), Moldova (Botox ballad), Azerbaijan (moustache?? ballad) and Australia - indeed g’bye to Oz most of all. It’s not a proper European Song Competition without Australia on the stage.

 

And what do we have in store tonight? Well, extensive use of anti-booing technology I suspect. Maybe you’ve missed the calls to boycott Malmö 2024 because of Israel’s participation, but they’ve been coming from some quarters and it’s been much discussed by the fandom. Of course there’ll be some who chose not to attend the contest this year, and I read of ticket sales being down from fully sold out to a handful left. But for most a boycott simply means not turning the telly on, so it will be interesting to see if the ratings are impacted. To me, the boycott feels very online, whereas I suspect the Saturday night TV show sits firmly in the mainstream, watched and enjoyed by those who somehow manage to get by without an Instagram account to put the world to rights.

Anyway, a silly little blog I churn out once a year for a handful of interested mates doesn’t feel like the place to get into (quoting a wise friend) “an utterly hopeless situation which will outlive us all”, but here’s a podcast on the for and against of a boycott, which I found really interesting. And here’s where you can donate to Medicins Sans Frontier or Save The Children. 

Now then, shall we do a seamless One Show pivot towards tonight’s performances?

 

Malta

Bodystockings a go-go this year – in girl bop form here, with extra spangle, frantic dance break and inexplicable blindfold interlude.

 

Albania

Can something be anthemic but still extremely boring? Apparently so, despite the efforts of a mirror ball cropped trouser suit. On a separate note, wow do the women of the Balkans like an ouchy looking lip pump.

 

Greece

Little bit of urban, little bit of ethno horn, little bit of RnB, little bit of metallic puffball skirt. The chorus "ta ta ta ta something something something" (all Greek to me) hasn't left my head. High hopes and very large girl crush over here.

 

Switzerland

Another genre smash and another bookies' favourite – experimental stuff but not inaccessible. They've also done their Eurovision homework: the G0-A Fraggle Coat but in pink, the hamster spinning wheel in disk form, the sad Swiss boy ballad but happy. It's opera, it’s rap, it’s electro, it’s… really quite impressive.

 

Czechia

The nineties/noughties cusp revival continues with some skater boi girl pop, with added Gen Z manifesting and severe fringe work.

 

France

Handsome man with lungs so enorme he can stand a few metres away from the mic, whilst his shirt billows, the smoke swirls and the chanson-francaise francaises. The juries are gonna cream themselves.

 

Austria

I was an indie kid in the nineties, but no amount of Britpop can scratch the nostalgic joy itch like N-Trance’s Set You Free. There is no subtilty anywhere near their song, called We Will Rave. And we will do exactly that, provided her vocals are up to the task (her metallic leotard certainly is).

 

Denmark

The memo said “formalwear” and the stylist wasn’t sure if that was gowns’n’gloves or corporate business attire – so mixed both, in starchy white. The staging needed waaaay more to cut through - you can’t be epic by staying in the Radio 2 lane. (That’s only half a diss by the way - MOR pop has its place, unless it's the Lighthouse Family.)

 

Armenia

Sweet, catchy, folksy, national dress stuff. Or at least I assume so – it’s a Bollywood slash Cherokee Nation and the main word association I have with “Armenia” is “The Kardashians”, which this... isn't.

 

Lativa

Moby meets Imagine Dragons but without the toxic masculinity vibes.

 

Spain

Musically, this is pure Sabrina/Sam Fox beach disco era, but the touch me boys boys sea sex and sun message has also aged into its fifties and our bleach-haired cougar chanteuse is throwing out some pointed references about a little something called Patriarchy. Get your subtitles out for the lads.

 

San Marino

Manga sweet shop bunny nightmare.

 

Georgia

Lamé and fire. More dance breaks. At this point we're probably running out of girl bop themes, but I'm not sure we've had a tribute to the Fire Service before (sadly missed opportunity for helmet and hose-ography).

 

Belgium

“BEFORE THE PARTY’S OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVERRRRRRRRRRR”. This has a screamable chant worthy of Mr Brightside audience participation, but the song doesn’t get going until the closing bars. Anticipation doesn’t really work if you’re not paying attention during the build up.

 

Estonia

Trad music group and contemporary hip hop crew engage in a dance battle. The rap lot have youth on their side, but the trad musicians are armed with sizeable wooden musical instruments, including a box accordion. No-one wants to take one of those to the head.

 

Italy

Impossibly cool twenty-something (who is called Angelina Mango – MANGO! I stan!) struts around singing “boredom boredom” over a beat and Spanish guitar. I appreciate that sounds shit, but this is one of my/the favourites.

 

Israel

Emotive and rather tuneful ballad. But then so was Russia’s A Million Voices. I'll leave it there, I think, or here.

 

Norway

Shrieky goth-folk a la Bjork, with a Courtney Love-esque black widow dress and an array of Norwegian Sleeperblokes knocking around the back, truly our descent into the nineties is complete.

 

Netherlands

Novelty techno in EU Blue shoulder-pads, golden mullet and imbecilic expression. It may sound like a comedy Dutch rap listing the countries of Europe and their national dishes, but there’s a whole therapy session about bereavement hidden in the slapstick.

And there we go. Finito!  Ten more through tonight, with Italy, France and Spain making it direct. Time to prep the snack tray, mes amis. See you on the other side.

2024 Speed preview – SF #1

And lo, it is that time. It's been a muted pre-season, with calls for a boycott, but here we are nonetheless. It's nearly time for Eurovision 2024, in Malmerughhhhhhhhhh. And who's fighting out Tuesday's semi? Well, not the UK, Germany and Sweden, who have paid/won their way direct to the Grand Final already, but are getting a chance to perform during the SFs this year (to see if there's any knock on effect to their fates come the weekend).  The others though are at the mercy of Europe's musical tastes. CONTENDERS READY!

Cyprus

Cyprus bringing out a lithe beauty doing high NRG girl pop and dance routine? Shocker.

Serbia

A break from Serbia’s trademark high concept performance art in favour of wind-bag dirge. (I think we can all agree this is a downgrade on a spa full of PVC nurses/monks clapping or Van Helsing and Spandau Ballet in The Matrix.)

 

Lithuania

Artsy lo-fi electro muzak. I couldn’t work out who the singer looked like, then realised it was the guy from the Wimbledon Hobbycraft Padam TikTok. (Appols to be so niche, but I’ve not much else to say here.)

Ireland

Whimsy witchy nightmare horror (75% screaming and fake contact lenses, 25% balletic musical theatre interludes).

UK

Distressed vest boxing match homoeroticism from a bona fide popstar. (Am just a bit worried about pre-Watershed scheduling/Ofcom's inbox. And the high notes.)

Ukraine

Overblown choral hip hop ode to Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary. Slava Ukraini! A triumph.

Poland

Inoffensive pop with Gaga-lite (even Gaga-lite-lite) performance vibes and one catchy hook which will crawl into your body like threadworms.

  

Croatia

Knitted balaclavas meets national dress meets nu-metal meets deliberately(?) bad lyrics meets cat memes. The bookies’ favourite.

Iceland

Eurovision Royalty in spangly you ok hun Mumpsuit. But even a veteran can’t lift this church hall aerobics soundtrack. (To be clear – that’s a diss on the song and not church hall aerobics – let’s grapevine, girls.)

Germany

Germany can be glad of the automatic qual given that Europe rarely votes for a beer-bellied young man with low charisma, however radio friendly and competently sung their offering might be.

Slovenia

Mother of Dragons bleach job does high-frequency wailing in a sheer body stocking and Victoria's Secret secret pants. There's either an orgy or a sacrifice going on here - possibly both.

Finland

Mullet man bares saggy bare arse whilst emerging from a giant egg. Song, circa Magaluf 95, is of similar ethos and quality. We’re a long way from Cha Cha Cha.

Moldova

Another downgrade from the usual trademark (of raucous horn and pipe rock from veterans in knitted hats), this time pivoting to white Shein prom dress, LED angel wings, operatic pipes and an e-violin. Pfff.

Sweden

ChatGPT neglected to spend much time on the lyrics, but “design an archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era”* has everything else you’d expect: grinding baseline, Olympic choreo and tried and tested laser show. But… plot-twist: performed by twins. (They seem delightful but I can't shake the ick.)

Azerbaijan

Wailing in a jumpsuit and... Actually, I retained nothing about this, other than he may or may not be sporting a moustache. So, in short, I retained nothing.

Australia

The budget went on a high-end milliner and a digeridoo, but there’s a catchy hook in there somewhere. I won’t begrudge lovely white sculpted headwear, or a large wooden tube/circular breathing.

 

Portugal

"We’re Portugal, of course we’re sending a young woman wailing in white, hints of fado, hipster and melancholy, who'll crash out in the semi final."

Luxembourg

My last interaction with the Grand Duchy’s music scene was Brian from Placebo. This, an actual woman in pig-tales forcing out a Frenglish spritely pop number over some ethnic piping isn’t *quite* what I was expecting. But welcome back anyway Le Luxembourg.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand that's your lot, with just ten who can go through to Saturday's final, excluding the auto-quals. It's 100% televote, so we must place our trust in the plebs of Europe, rather than the "music professionals'" who'll get to influence Saturday's final.  Pure TV viewership voting will benefit the jokey likes of Finland and Croatia, and make it a harder path for the big-voiced ballads. But so long as Ukraine make it (and they will), I don't really mind - though I'd be secretly pleased to see Hera from Iceland and her tasselled jumpsuit get through.

 

*And finally, for a laff, I  just asked ChatGPT to “describe an archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era”, and it said:

 

“An archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era often embodies a sleek and polished presentation, blending catchy pop melodies with impeccable stage production. Here's how it might unfold:

 

Song: The song would likely be an upbeat pop anthem with an infectious chorus that sticks in your head long after the performance ends. It would be expertly crafted to appeal to a broad international audience, with a mix of English and perhaps some Swedish lyrics for authenticity.

 

Performance: The performance would feature slick choreography, with perfectly synchronized dancers complementing the charismatic lead singer. The stage would be adorned with eye-catching visuals, possibly incorporating advanced lighting effects or LED screens to enhance the overall impact.

 

Costumes: The performers would be dressed in stylish yet understated outfits, showcasing Scandinavian chic with a modern twist. The costumes would be carefully coordinated to complement the song and the overall aesthetic of the performance.

 

Stage Presence: The lead singer would exude confidence and charm, effortlessly engaging the audience and conveying the emotion of the song. There would be a sense of professionalism and precision to the performance, reflecting Sweden's reputation for excellence in music and entertainment.

 

Catchiness: Above all, the song would be irresistibly catchy, inviting viewers to dance along and sing along from the very first listen. It would have that special quality that makes it stand out from the competition and leaves a lasting impression long after the Eurovision festivities are over.

 

Overall, an archetypal Swedish Eurovision entry from the modern era would be a masterclass in pop music and entertainment, showcasing the best of Swedish talent and creativity on the international stage.”

 

So that's extremely accurate and terrifying. BRB, just going to feed the other nations into ChatGPT now. Here's hoping our tech overlords love Eurovision. A jeudi.