Vienna 2015 – Semi final #2

Welcome to Semi Final Zwei!  A friend had warned me that things didn’t kick off until Song Nine, and yegads, was he right.  Yes, for me, it took a whole eight numbers to get going - the first half felt like I was drowning in a sea of duo-dirge.  Even Mel and Scott glittered up to the eyeballs and disco tits wasn’t quite enough to raise the roof, until Israel arrived with their special brand of insanity (more on that later, viewers).  So hurrah for that!  I should have known to keep the faith that it would always pick up eventually - now let us swim through the dirge onto better shores...

Lithuania

Duo #1: perky Lithuanian times.

Tuning issues aside (dear GOD), these two somehow managed to look rather cute, despite donning a lilac suit (him) and a papier-mâché piñata dress (her), which bore more than a certain resemblance to a multi-coloured Big Bird costume.  Their chemistry was in the region of ‘oooh I’ve spotted someone on the wedding dance floor I might quite fancy, so let’s go in for some jokey-banter dancing, seeing as I’ve had seven glasses of prosecco today, and see if there’s a snog on the cards.  And there was!  On stage kiss ahoy.  (Appropriately chaste, mind - the whole thing had a PG vibe about it). 

Douze points for: the backing dancers also going in for some same-sex snoggery (less chaste - clearly knowing their audience).

Ireland

Apparently still firmly committed to the My Lovely Horse policy of not wanting to risk the cost of any further hosting duties.  An Irish lovely whisper-crooning at the piano in a fake woodland is all very well and worthy, but frankly, we miss Jedward star jumping.

Douze points for: the clearly mis-subtitled lyrics “I made the mess in your vision" - up there with "where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the... wind".

San Marino

Duo #2: the awkward teenage years.

And I thought Lithuania had tuning issues.  Imagine slightly dated, am dram, budget Disney and... you’re there.  (Another year, another no show for San Marino in the final, then.)  Still, well done for trying - most of the population must have already represented SM by now, so we should accept that the performers' gene pool is starting to look somewhat limited, and they probably had little choice but to sacrificially offer up their children.

Douze points for: I’m always a sucker for a hilariously terrible talky bit, especially in heavily accented euro-English.

Montenegro

Turns out it doesn’t take a duo to churn out tuneless dirge - an old Montenegrin man with a fabulously awful nip and tuck job (I’m sure I saw a staple by one of this temples) can do it alone!  Though I did enjoy how he was inexplicably accompanied by a gang of stern looking ladies pretending to be robotic seagulls, one of whom had borrowed Mr Romania’s giant brooch for her headpiece.

Douze points for: singing in Montenegrin.  Of that, I APPROVE.

Malta

It’s bad enough when someone nicks your gimmick, but to steal a song title?  Harsh.  Poor Malta had to put up with being the second (and second best) “Warrior” of the competition, after Tuesday’s sexy-scary Xanadu gothette from Georgia.  Your Malteser did her best to work the Angelina Jolie Leg dress she’d been given, but it might have been more effective had she learned to control her spanks from sneaking out.

Douze points for: the Maltese sound engineer, quick on the reverb during the more, erm, challenging notes.

Norway

Duo #3: the cool ones. (That’s ‘cool’ by Eurovij standards, obvz.)

Him: disappointingly un-Scandi-looking.

Her: Carol Decker does Lorde on Stars in their Eyes.

It’s all very earnest and big-hair-don’t-care, but, hold the presses people, for these two can sing in tune.  THEY CAN SING IN TUNE.  A Eurovision duo miracle.

Douze points for: the Romanian head-brooch is doing the rounds – Lorde-weigan had no qualms about borrowing it from Montenegrin Seagull lady.

Portugal

What’s that I hear?  A beat.  A beat?!?!?  Surely not!  My brain can’t commute Portugal not doing melodramatic string-led I’m on the verge of topping myself fado - especially not when it’s being sung by a slim, youthful vamp with Lady Diana train-length sleeve capes and the shiniest PVC trousers she will have no choice but to be cut out of.

Douze points for: *KEY CHANGE KLAXON* Cue a noticeable murmur of pleasure in the auditorium.

Czech Republic

Duo #4: and the dirgiest of the lot - all black leather and emotional shrieking.

Douze points for: There’s one highlight, and that’s when she awkwardly takes her heels off and throws them across the stage for reasons which remain unclear.  (I'm guessing it’s either the foot pain or the fact that she’s pretty much his height with them on, and you can sense his manhood feeling threatened.)

Israel

Look, it doesn’t start promisingly, as a slightly mole-y looking guy in a suit walks through some smoke waves, warbling.  And then you notice his shoes - massive golden trainers with literal wings hanging off them...  THEN BOOM!  In comes a beat and some terrible street dancing, all to truly masterful lyrics like “Pull me baby, I’m your trigger/ You know that my love is bigger” and “I’m a golden boy, come here to enjoy/ And before I leave, let me show you Tel Aviv.”  I’m *guessing* Tel Aviv is supposed to be a euphemism...

Douze points for: many reasons, of which I will now quote a few: 1. Finally getting the pardy started.  2. A group dance move involving a pelvic thrust and a body ripple which none of them can really do.  3. Closing the song with a wink, the line “We gotta go. Three minutes. Bye bye”.  *applause*

Latvia

A young tattooed Sinitta dressed as a scarlet mermaid in a hypnotic headdress does some swirly arms and shouting.  It sounds bad, I accept, but it’s rather great (and I don’t *think* that’s just because of the sea of duo-crap which came before it).

Douze points for: A song which I will actively listen to again.  Maybe.

Azerbaijan
Well we've still got some duo action to deal with, but this time it’s in the form of a couple doing contemporary dance, whilst the singer stands around like a lump/third wheel. #awks  Meanwhile, the dancers thrust and jump around wearing matching tie dye nappy trousers, with an acrylic Sia wig for her and a dog collar and gimp lead for him.

Douze points for:  The basis of the choreography, which was 'Gollum imitates a toddler having a mega-strop'.

Iceland
They've very sweetly let Iceland's prettiest twelve year old wear her Skipper pink fairy bridesmaid dress on stage, and perform breathy karaoke to the crowd, with no concept of pitch, or fear that beaming away whilst singing about being "broken" might not work too well.

Douze points for: the five adult backing singers hidden in the shadows, carrying this shit-show.

Sweden
Just another league.  ‘Seriously hot man fist-bumps a cartoon character’ doesn't sound like a winning combo, but... It's brilliant.

Douze points for: all of it.  Malmö 2016, surely.

Switzerland

It starts off all smoke-filled floors, lady drummers, and the high priestess of Zurich on lead vocals, wearing smouldering incense and giant black robes.  Spooky times.  Of all the black cloaks (and we know there have been many) it’s definitely the Swiss miss who gets the biggest one - and it’s quickly clear why, as she suddenly throws it off to reveal a glittery white wedding dress, before singing about her eagle (or possibly her ego – hard to decipher).

Douze points for: opting for staging which is basically all of Meatloaf’s videos in Eurovision form.

Cyprus

Yawnsome geek chic, as man in fake NHS specs croons under a spotlight looking earnest - it starts all low key acoustic and graduates to saccharine orchestral string accompaniment, so there's something for everyone, provided that everyone enjoys boring cheese.

Douze points for: allowing a handy loo break in proceedings.

Slovenia

Technically another duo, but they’ve hidden him (the actual husband to her wife) behind a piano, which is smart.  She’s dressed like a tired and emotional bride who’s nicked the DJ’s headphones, and sings like a nose-blocked Nicki Minaj, with mercifully fewer ass references.  (I quite liked this.)

Douze points for: she’s accompanied by a lady-matador doing air violin, which COME ON.

Poland

So let’s recap our 2015 themes: black cloaks, repetitive lyrics, duo-dirge, head-brooches, major tuning issues and wafty white bridal-esque dresses.  Poland opted for the last two.

Douze points for: Mel, pointing out Polish lady-singer’s Vorderman’s resemblance.

And that's it!  We’re done!  Will Europe vote wisely? (Ish.)  Will the Austrian broadcasters opt for some dramatic pauses when they reveal the finalists? (Mercifully, yes.)  And who will get the last ten places? (Let’s find out....)

So: Lithuania (piñata kiss duo!), Montenegro (nip’n’tuck man!), Norway (Ginger Lorde and friend!), Israel (“Pull me baby, I’m your trigger/ You know that my love is bigger”!), Latvia (Sinitta mermaid!), Azerbaijan (interpretative dance!), Sweden (peerless!), Cyprus (dull specs!), Slovenia (headphones!), Poland (Vorderman!).

The bookies seem to favour Sweden, Russia, Italy and Australia, so I’ll opt for those as the ones to watch (seeing as the only winner I’ve ever tipped was Loreen, and that was SUCH a no-brainer).  I'll also be happy enough to see Latvia and Slovenia again.  Not long to go now peeps.  HAPPY EUROVISION!

Vienna 2015 – Semi final #1

Willkommen in Wien, beeyatches!  

And it’s Conchita - who else? - willkommening us to the show, clad in Ikea lampshade-structured skinnybitch white and urging us to once more Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise Like A Phoenix - this time accompanied by such Viennese clichés as a swirly stringed orchestra and aristocratic Viennese Waltzers in synthetic non-fireproof wigs.  OH THE EXCITEMENT ETC.  

In what is probably my favourite-evah Eurovij news, proceedings on the Beeb are being co-hosted by accent-and-abbreviations-fan Mel 'Mel and Sue' Giedroyc - who was simply wünderbar throughout.  (She even made the less-than-enthusiastic Mr Cad nearly enjoy the show.)  May her contract to do this forever be iron-clad and legally binding on pain of death - what’s the licence fee for, if not this?  

Let’s gloss over the three Austrian lady-presenters (who are as awful and charisma/chemistry-free as, well, any other Eurovision host), briefly quickly express some sadness that we are without my (probably) favourite Eurovision nation, Ukraine, this year (for fairly obvious reasons - let Ruslana lead the way to peace and EU membership), and just crack on, shall we?  

Ja wohl!

Moldova  

Imagine a shiny-teethed, PG-rated, Moldovan Kid Rock, surrounded by gyrating backing dancers dressed as a Halloween hen weekend where the theme is ‘Sexy Cops’ - yup, someone's bulk-bought a selection of PVC hot pants.  But at least it’s equal opportunities objectification, as Moldova is quite happy to put their male folk beefcakes in spray-on cycling shorts, alongside their thrusty, toned ladeez.  The song is a total rip-off of a recent chart hit, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you which one, as I’m too old for the hit parade these days and all of my pop knowledge is gleaned from what I hear over the tannoy when I’m browsing in Dorothy Perkins.

Douze points for: costume theme work - sadly, a 2015 rarity going by tonight’s semi.

Armenia

OK, who had 'smoke machines' at nineteen minutes in?  Basically, Armenia have sent five members from the Yerevan Medieval Role Play Society, to repeatedly warble-scream out the words “DON’T DENY” at Europe, whilst gorgeous be-cloaked and be-face-jewellery-ed vixens stare at the camera and attempt to indoctrinate Europe into their Prog Rock cult through the medium of loud but sensual chanting.

Douze points for: the excellent work by said vixens in avoiding their lesser-attractive male counterparts’ attempts at surreptitious hand-holding during the song. 

Belgium

Perhaps a little more excitement from Belgium than we’re used to - albeit, such ‘excitement’ taking the form of a clean cut young man, who was probably spotted at a church choir or Young Politicians convention, before being Gok Wan-ed into wearing a stripy pink shirt and asymmetric three-quarter length suit.  Still, he's happy to perform an array of highly individual dance moves, backed up by Dental Nurse Fembots (hello niche) whilst singing “Rrrrap rrrrap rrrap” for a good three minutes.  After Armenia’s endless “don’t deny don’t deny don’t deny”, it seems our main theme is the repetitive lyric, rrrrap rrrrap rrrap, which is particularly disappointing, when you think that it might have been sexualised police officers.

Douze points for: Dance moves such as ‘faceography’, ‘lyingdownography’, ‘DentistFembotography’, etceteraography.

The Netherlands

And lo, the repetitive lyric theme continues; this time it’s “why-aii-aiiiiiii” times a gazillion, prompting such questions as “why-aii-aiiiiiii is our lady of the Netherlands wearing black pantaloons and Oxford sub fusc?”  In a new twist on the Bucks Fizz undressing theme, she begins in a black lace face mask, before ripping it off to emote her “why-aii-aiiiiiii”-ing all over the camera.  (Someone on Twitter also queried whether she was actually a Geordie, which = proper lolz.)  The best bit was probably her UV knuckle tattoo which spelled out “L.O.V.E” - it seemed *so* quintessentially Eurovision that I literally can’t believe it hasn’t been done on every Eurovij ever, ever.  (Perhaps it has.  I'm usually drinking heavily at this point.)

Douze points for: our lady having the Dutchest name there ever was: “Trijtje Oosterhuis”.  AMAJJJING.

Finland

Eurovision’s shortest ever song (some might say mercifully), shouty, guitary, punky and performed by guys with developmental and learning disabilities - which I realise sounds like a way off-colour (indeed unacceptable) sarky remark, but is actually a statement of fact. 

Douze points for: apparently starting the song with the lyric “The song title is on your screen” - though I concede that could be down to subtitling confusion.

Interlude as Conchita (now christened ‘Concheets’ by Mel - hello payrise) swans through the Green Room dressed in Maggie Thatcher Does Navy Blue Drag Queen Jumpsuit.  She looks phenomenal.

Greece

Well, it’s Greece, so we all know what to expect; there will be sexy and it will get through to the final regardless of song quality - Eurovision just isn’t Eurovision if Cyprus and Greece don’t get to give each other twelve points somewhere along the line.  Usually song quality (‘quality’ hahaHA) isn’t much of an issue, as Greece are an exemplary Eurovision nation, but this year’s power ballad snoozefest in a dangerously slitty dress is nowhere near our usual Greek vintage.  Syriza have a lot to answer for, it seems.

Douze points for: the whole budget going on tit tape power-adhesive and incredibly carefully targeted wind machine directionals.

Estonia

I appreciate that not many of you will also be avid listeners of French Radio London (it goes on when I’m washing up too loudly to hear Radio 4), but this is basically an Estonian version of what FRL seem to play 60% of the time.  They’ve opted for a couples perf: he has a large guitar and a vinyl wig, she has a rather high voice and some Superdrug Girls Aloud fake eyelashes, but mainly they’re giving intense mutual eyefucking a right good go.  It mostly comes off as I WANT TO KILL YOU-esque staring, but well-done for trying.

Douze points for: the pre-song commentary: "Stig Rästa is one of the best-known song writers in Estonia", which frankly made me PMSL.

FYR Macedonia

At last, an exciting outfit display: ladies’ detective mac For Him, bowtie cravat made of gaffa tape, and a nearly-twirly perfectly groomed moustache.  Songwise, it’s a rather terrible attempt at singing, but this remains a perfect example of why you should never skip the Eurovision semi finals - obviously it didn't get through, but one’s cultural experience of Euro-life is poorer without such ridiculousness getting all up in yo’ brain.

Douze points for: employing three seriously burly square-shouldered bouncers to be your unexpected back-up singers.

Serbia

Serbian fatty Bojana starts with a yawnsome ballad which entirely expectedly ‘unexpectedly’ turns into a high NRG dance tune.  Mirroring the musical events, Bojana’s backing dancers get to go from ‘sinister flag waving white priests in phantom masks’ to ‘what the dance floor looks like when a group of office workers end up in a club at 3am on a Thursday’.  Bojana herself is probably too trussed up to risk a costume change (I can only imagine the under-rigging), so stays true to My Big Fat Gypsy Eurovision throughout.

Douze points for: singing dressed as one of those creepy loo roll dolls off the eighties. 

Hungary

Last year, Hungary’s song ‘Running’ was an up-tempo dance number about domestic abuse.  This year, Hungary’s song ‘Wars For Nothing’ is a slow-tempo power ballad about wars being for nothing and people never getting to see daylight because they’ve been locked up for crimes they didn’t commit.  You can’t really fault the message, but wowsers it’s depressing, until you discover it’s sung by a lady whose name is ‘Boggie’. 

Yep, Boggie. 

That’s ‘Boggie’ everyone.

Boggie.

Douze points for: BOGGIE!

Belarus

Another couple for our televisual pleasure: this time, man sings dance number whilst the lady fiddles in the background (on her violin, you total perves).  Mind you, she does go for the most overtly sexy violining possible - the bowing is totally second to hair flicks, hip thrusts and smizing.  Tyra Banks would be well proud.

Nul points for: Sadly I can’t give this any points, douze or otherwise, as it wasn’t about cheesecake.

Russia

Oh here we go, Russia singing about peace AGAIN whilst the Eurovij producers desperately cover up the inevitable boos with some canned applause. 

LIKE, COME ON.

Douze points for: *secretly bloody loves this one*

Denmark

An instrument-playing boyband called Anti-Social Media (GEDDIT, ffs) who liken themselves to The Beatles - cue some major Lucy Watson eyeroll.  Props to the one in the white polo neck and blazer though (as if I needed any more proof that I truly don’t get ‘the kidz’ these days.  Though surely watching Eurovision is enough to know that.)

Douze points for: very possibly out-cheesing Rybak. (Yes, him of “I’m in lurrrrrve, with a fairytaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale” fame).  I didn’t think we’d ever get more gorgonzola than that one, but...

Albania

Tis truly the year of the cloak!  This time in the form of some excellent diamante shoulder cape action.  (Even Edna Mode would be partial to this one, I'd wager.)  Shame the rest is nondescript female ballad action with highly dubious tuning.  I predicted Albania to be the first sure-fire immediate exit.  So, obviously they made it through.

Dix points for: second best tit tape power-adhesive and carefully targeted wind machine directionals, after Greece.

Romania

I spent most of this performance googling how to spell ‘brooch’, because I truly couldn’t believe that was it.  (It took the John Lewis website to persuade me.)  I now realise that was Romania’s very clever tactic to distract us all from a) their singer’s perfectly shiny pate, and b) the entire song.

Douze points for: regardless of spelling, that brooch was amazebrooch. Who needs a tie (or hair) when you can accessorise with a rhinestone scorpion badge?

Georgia

Turns out we needed a pleather chaps and shorts combo with feather-shoulders goth styling shrieking Georgian Evanescence at the gays.  Think lady Jon Snow from Game of Thrones meets something out of Flash Gordon and you’re more or less there.

Douze points for: use of kohl.

So there we go – obviously it was brilliant (mainly thanks to Mel), but who made it through, you ask?  Well, Armenia (Prog Rock cult!), Belgium (Dentalbots!), Estonia (Vinyl Wig Eyefucking!), Serbia (Big Fat Eurovision!), Albania (Glitter cape!), Georgia (Lady Goth crow!), Greece (Slitty wind machine!), Hungary (Boggie/No wars!), Romania (Broochgate!) and Russia (Russia!).  Secret hoorays for Russia, but I can’t help but feel some disappointment in Europe’s propensity to support dirgy choral ballads over sexy policewear and bowtie gaffa tape cravats.

Also problematic: the Austrian refusal to implement long theatrical pauses when revealing the finalists; seriously, they just read out the countries like the football results on fast forward - efficiency over suspense is not the Eurovij way.  Simon Cowell may produce much unwatchable shite, but we should all acknowledge his use of the dramatic power pause.  Listen and learn, terrible lady presenters.

In the meantime, two things to look forward to for Semi Final Zwei: guessing which political leader Concheets will decide to channel, and MORE MEL!  Hurrah!  

Bis bald, as they say!  

(Sorry Romanian Brooch Dude.)

Copenhagen 2014 - The Final of the Eurovision Song Contest

And lo, all hail Conchita Wurst. Our little Österreichy sausage did riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise like a phoenix - to victory, flipping a beautifully manicured V sign at intolerance and hate.   

It was a great winner's speech too - you'd expect nothing less from a Miss Eurovision win.  For me, Conchita nailed it by being a) gimmicky, yes – she’s a skinny bitch diva with a perfect beard, but also b) she has lungs of steel.  She power-balladed that Eur007vision song in a way that took the audience completely by surprise, stunning Europe into voting their little socks off.  Even the Easties!!!

It was actually a rather good year for actual musicianship (I know, I know) – the Netherlands took silver by gleaming musical talent.  They may have missed out on the crown (and we may have missed out on Amsterdamage 2015), but their iTunes sales are apparently rather healthy just now.

But how did the Big Five do?  Welllllllll....

Germany

Stocky Brigette Nielsen and her lady-accordionist and lady-bassist friends churn out an oompa-dirge.  Are floral jackets with leatherette patching plus tutus and leggings really all the rage in Berlin this year?

Douze points for: performing directly after Conchita and not just breaking down in “OH WHAT IS THE POINT?!?” tears.

France

DEUX POINTS!! DEUX measly POINTS!!  Robbed!!!  I loved this one, and not just because of my Gallic blood. I found it hilarious, irreverent, catchy... and who can resist hipster irony outright eating itself.  Not only did TwinTwin have an excellent dance routine (Guitarists one and two swap places, then the entire band walks stage left, then stage right. And repeat.), but it involved three twins!  Twin 1: triangle waffro.  Twin 2: curly receding hairline mullet.  Twin 3: erm, black.  Anyway, the three twins of TwinTwin can totally join my Lena and Pollapönk pub crawl. (Though I concede they may get a leeeetle bit annoying after, oooh, five minutes?)

Douze points for: moustache love in the year of the beard.

Italy

All rawk screech and no trousers: buongiorno upskirting.  Mind you, if you’ve seen Italian TV, you'll know that lady buttocks are not an unfamiliar sight.  Not even excess kohl and a Cesar headdress could save this hot mess. 

Douze points for: Pffff.  Um.  There was a keytar on stage.

Spain

Ex-X Factor senorita Ruth Lorenzo absolutely belts it – apparently she bust a speaker in the press room.  And no, that wasn't actually greasy, unwashed hair, but a wet look to represent THE RAIN THE RAIN THE RAIN.

Douze points for: THE RAIN THE RAIN THE RAIN.

United Kingdom

Oh Molly – it had all the potential, but just fell a bit flat at the final hurdle.  It was my favourite song pre-contest, but the performance was just a bit too rabbit-in-headlights – possibly she was shocked by the sudden realisation that she’d allowed herself to be styled in a head-necklace, Rum Tum Tigger shawl, golden tinfoil space dress and slutty Grecian sandal-boots, all matched with an essentially motionless ‘I’M MEDITATING LOOK AT ALL THIS HENNA’ dance routine.   Shame.

Douze points for: being OH SO close.  Maybe next year...

As for our hosts...

Denmark

Thing is, we mocked Belarus for the cheeseycake dance routine and Robin Thicke (total dick) rip-off-ness, but this...  well, I’m not convinced it’s so different.  Maybe it’s more at the Bruno Mars' end of wearing a suit and man-dancing.

Douze points for: Denmark striking the right balance between looking like you’re making an effort, but definitely not being so good that you might risk having to pay for the whole thing two years in a row.

As for the rest...

·       There was an extensive build up for... a racist joke about Asia.
·       But I still fancied Pilou.
·       Hello glow-in-the dark ladder dancing!
·       To a folk-choir cover of Ode To Joy. 
·       THE EUROVISION THEME IS TE DEUM, DUDES.
·       Oh well, Ode To Joy still a Europe-y song, innit.
·       In your face, Farage!
·       I’d like to visit the Eurovision Museum PLEASE.
·       Lise turned out to be a WEIRD Facestalker.
·       And tried to feed Molly a poisoned cake from “Borough Market”.
·       The camera panned the crowd and THERE WAS A WOMAN THERE!

There was also an excellent moment when all the performers joined together on stage and TwinTwin dance-sandwiched Emelie de Forest, Slovenian flute lady brandished her flute at one of the Polish harlotty lovelies, Ukraine and Armenia had an IN YOUR FACE RUSSIA boogie and Conchita lip-synced at the Russian twins, whilst Eurovision Royalty Man Johnny ‘I have a melty plastic face these days’ Logan looked on.  THEY MUST DO THIS EVERY YEAR.

Time for a quick aside about the voting?  Oh go on - I'm no fan of the televoters' general taste, but it's not on for the UK to (depressingly) phone-vote for Poland more than any other country, yet for that to not even register on the UK's scoring.  The jury-televote balance needs to be redressed, even if that does result in BOOB SUCCESS.  *sigh*

But overall, a brilliant year.  To Conchita and beyond!  See you next year.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Vienna.   

GOOD TIMES!

May Countdown to Copenhagen: Malmö 2013

(The main thing this year I learned was how to pronounce 'Mal-muuuuurrrhhh'.)

My track record at predicting the winner is... Mixed.  It's usually fifty-fifty on whether Europe and I will see eye to eye on who should be victorious.  But with Only Teardrops it was a 'no boner', as a family friend once malapropped (it has since entered into family folklore and we will never say 'no brainer' again).  From the very first panpipe, we all knew this had victory written all over it. That it was fronted by a sexyhippy Scandi in bare feet and backed by sexymilitary Scandis with shaggy hair was just a bonus (no boner).  Def one of my Top 5 Winners.

As for the UK, after Poor Englebert, it was Poor Bonnie - regardless of its feelings about the Total Eclipse Of Her Heart, when it came to Believe In Me, Europe lost its faith. The song was ok - a forgettable ballad, but it was never going to pass muster in amongst the cray-cray class of 2013.

Perhaps Bonnie would have been better off recreating her mug-based vodkathon from Never Mind The Buzzcocks.  That might have been able to compete with a Finnish lesbian wedding; a Romanian - Moldovan elevating dress off (clear popera victory for Cezar); an Azeri man trapped in a box; an actual Ukrainian giant, and Greeks in kilts offering free booze.

There were also some genuinely brilliant pop gems sneaked in this year which might have rivalled Teardrops, had the live performances not missed the mark, compared to the recorded versions.  This slinky Norwaymazingness didn't quite translate to the live show, in spite of a Scandiwegian beauty in a white rubber tube dress. And compare and contrast Germany's  Euphoria rip-off, I mean, tribute live (ouch) with its recorded version - add in the auto-tune and it's suddenly GLORIOUS. 

GOOD TIMES!

Copenhagen 2014 – Semi final #2

Malta

The Maltese Von Trapps, cause they're all siblings YOU SEE – though given that they look not at all alike, I'm thinking there were a range of wombs involved in their making. It's inoffensive folky pop, where the climatic moment is the lead brother taking hold of a mini guitar and starting to strum – HIGH DRAMZ.

Douze points for: yer Malteser spinning his double bass (yes, that's barrel scraping right there.)

Israel

A sturdy Jewish Kate Winslet who smokes fifty a day (that is one deeeeeep voice).  Her lady backing dancers have all the charm of trained assassins - in leotards.  Now there's an idea for an HBO series.

Douze points for: the incomprehensible lyric “I'm skinning you out.”

Norway

A Viking, clearly unused to having his beard groomed, sings something akin to the theme from The Bridge. It's rather haunting, actually - which means I have no jokes.

Douze points for: being *whispers* quite good.

Georgia

Awful – and not in a hilarious way. It's the musical equivalent of being at Shit Georgian Woodstock on the worst LSD trip ever where your only 'friends' are a mulleted accountant, Hippy Grotbags and a dude inexplicably attached to a parachute.

Douze points for: the BBC subtitle team and the hilarious, yet accurate, descriptor: “HE YODELS”.

Poland

Oh yay, let's watch feminism take a Polish smack in the face - with a catchy song, to add insult to injury.  In case the song's lyrics, encouraging Slavic women to “shake what their mamas gave them”, wasn't enough, the 'let's reduce women to their tits' message is reinforced by, oh look - reducing women to their tits, whilst carrying out domestic chores.  Brilliant!  It's basically Nuts styling Little House On The Prairie. “Ooooh look at my boobs churn butter” said the Milkmaid.  “Ooooh look at my boobs mangle laundry” responded the  Washerwoman.  Truly depressing.

Douze points for: No.

Austria

At least we can take solace in the thought that those still thinking about taking the image of Polish Washertits to their (blatantly single) beds with them, to have a polish of their own, were suddenly confronted with a more complex image of feminine beauty.  Welcome Eurovision legend to be, Conchita Wurst – the drag glamazon with the perfectly manicured beard. And man, the beard can sing.  Conchita knocked it out of the arena with a soaring orchestral number: Eur007vision. (And we all know that if Eurovision really did do Bond, the love interest would be exactly this: a stick thin ladyman Kim Kardashian with immaculate facial hair.)

Douze points for: looking like Jesus in a ballgown and singing like Burly Chassis herself.

Lithuania

More dub step – but they've upped the shouty, as well as adding a leather tutu and plastic hair with a static life of its own.  The lady singer also has her own dance gimp and electric blue rubber leggings, so it was impressive stuff really, given the chaffing potential.

Douze points for: single-handedly funding Vilnius' talc industry.

Finland

Entirely assexual teenage guitar boyband. When they grow up they want to be Coldplay. For now, they are a sixth form garage band in shiny silver jackets.

Douze points for: deciding Eurovision is the best place for a band where the target demographic is 100% pubescent girls.

Ireland

All the elements of Riverdance performed by the cast of Towie. The Irish Eurovision glory days (including My Lovely Horse) seem very, very far away. 

Douze points for: the scaffolding behind her Wond-O'Bra. That is quite some push-up on her Jedwards.

Belarus

Little makes me chuckle like the Belorussian take on Western 'cool'. This year we've got the Belarussian Robin Thicke singing the following lyrics:

“Once I gave you one more chance

You showed me dance.

But I’m not Patrick Swayze

You’re not Jennifer Gray.

I lost my train of thought

When you called me 'My sweet Cheesecake'.

I look over Google Maps trying to escape

Cause I’m tired of being your sweet cheesecake”.

Douze points for: DID YOU NOT READ THOSE LYRICS?

FYR Macedonia

If you saw Tuesday's BBC3 footage, you'll have met singer Tijana at halftime, where she stole the backstage show by mocking Scott Mills ("SHUT UP Scott!", "No, it's TiHHHana darlink!") and being generally hilarious. This didn't translate quite so well to the stage - she gave it her best shot, but a low cut lesbian tux and sapphire Pat Butcher earrings can only take you so far.

Douze points for: letting a man in a tracksuit run amok then do some ballet.

Switzerland

All the gays on my Twitter feed swooned in unison at the hotness on show, but I found him way too smug-twatty to be fanciable - cause it's important to exercise character-based quality control when you're lusting after a Eurovision singer. (Ahem.) I was also faux-OUTRAGED when he picked up a violin in an attempt to channel Alexander Rybek and to mask the unsavoury nature of his lyrics: "But I fear your judgement, oh I fear your judgement, I’m so wet, I’m dirty".  *Ewww-face*

Douze points for: a hip-swaying tambourinist so eye-wateringly cheesily awful-terrible that it completely compounded my brain and might have the best thing Eurovision has ever seen. (Editor: no.)

Greece

Objection!  Young men in leather jackets giving dancefloor shout-outs and rapping in a Hackney accent to a Crazy Frog backtrack is NOT what I expect from my Greek Eurovision, even if there is a man trampolining in the background. Where are the aging Alpha pop males clad head to toe in tight white (via deep V chest reveals)?  Where is the lithe ADHD pop girlie strutting around in a mini-dress?  That's what I expect and it is simply unfair for Greece to not provide it.  At least I’m not quite so sad that Cyprus won’t be there to give this their usual twelve.

Douze points for: the large triangular bolo tie.  How 'street'.

Slovenia

Styling nicked straight off Queen Narissa from Enchanted – but why shouldn’t our Slovenian flautist/evil godmother wear an electric blue ballgown made of the purest acrylic satin substitute?  BECAUSE THIS IS EUROVISION AND YOU USUALLY CAN'T MOVE FOR ONSTAGE FIRE!!!  Health and safety risk = HIGH!  

Douze points for: one time at band camp I stuck a flute...

Romania

I had high hopes for returners Paula and Ovi after their 2008 double-piano stormer, but this didn’t quite reach those heights – even though they tried to recreate the magic with a circular keyboard.  But I did like the bit when Paula - still SO out of Ovi’s league - performed the Phones 4 U hand signal as part of her dance routine.

Douze points for: when Ovi stopped playing the circular keyboard, but the piano sounds remained.

Voting time entertainment: brought to by an Australian smorgasbord and Eurovision 'entry' which wasn’t strictly part of the competition (thank goodness – it was well botchy, in spite of the Oz Love for Eurovij).  That was followed by Eurovision fans dancing - having auditioned via YouTube.  I’m not bitter that I missed that brief, oh no - I’ve already been on the telly dancing at Eurovision (which you might not know, as I never really mention it), so... yeah, whatevs.

The results: Malta (siblings!); Norway (haunting beardy!); Poland (Carry On Feminism!); Austria (Conchita Wurst!); Finland (little boys band!); Belarus (Google maps and cheesecake!); Switzerland (hot but twatty!); Greece (trampoline rap!); Slovenia (evil fairy flutemother!) and Romania (circular piano!).  Booooo to losing Lithuania (pleather tutu!).  Semi final #1 was better, but still much promise for the final on Saturday. 

My heart says UK to win, my head says look at the betting (the Netherlands - who I’ve got in the sweepstake. Yessss!) and my funny bone says the French moustachios to make me chuckle.

GOOD TIMES!

May Countdown to Copenhagen: memories of Baku 2012

All hail, for 2012 heralded the arrival of hosting the contest in a country well-known for human rights violations  THE GREATEST EVER EUROVISION SONG.  Of course it would be Sweden to take the Greatest Ever crown.  And it's deserved, because Euphoria is just... well, it’s just everything. *contented sigh* 

At the other end of the scale, poor old Englebert – shall we generously pretend that it came last because old Humps had to sing first?  Ahem. Was it the best?  No - not even close.  But in all honestly, it wasn’t the worst one there either.  I mean, remember the Albanian dreadlock?  The Russian grannies?  The TRAVESTY that was the Azeri winners forgetting the words to Waterloo (at around 6.15 - PREPARE TO GASP IN HORROR).

There were lots of highlights too – the rest of that halftime entertainment piece for a start.  It was a really good year for trashy, fun, almost-listenable pop; my iPod has since happy shuffled its way through French vocal (and real) gymnastics; catchy Italian Winehouse-lite jazz; Norwegian dance cheese, and Danish lady indie-pop - all the more impressive when you note that she totally pulled off a Captain Birdeye hat).  And whilst we're on the subject of visual success, let us not forget the joy that was the Maltese foot dancing and the Turkish cape boat. 

A final, special, mention for Jedward’s swan song, Waterline.  I truly thought they’d be representing Ireland forever, as an oil portrait wrinkled itself to death in their mammy’s attic.  But it wasn’t meant to be; much like Samson and his scissors-woe, I suspect going quiff-less was their downfall – even if it was done in the name of on-stage shower-taking antics (fully dressed THANK THE GOD OF  MANCHILD TWINS).  At least we can remember two Jedward glory years - and, let’s face it, the inevitable reunion to come in a decade.

GOOD TIMES!

Copenhagen 2014 – Semi final #1

Strike up the notes, it’s Te Deum time!  Emilie de Forest is back, still shoe-less, but with an army of YouTube karaoke clips and a choral cover to launch the show – there were Only Teardrops from this blogger, as the whole thing was JUST TOO MOVING.

Unusually, my emotional spirits weren’t dampened by the arrival of our hosts – mainly because one of the presenters (the one that’s not bespectacled or wearing a flower larger than her own head) was Kasper the troubled spin doctor out of Borgen – and MAN OH MAN, do I love Borgen.  In cultural terms, Kasper’s appearance is not dissimilar to, say, David Morrissey stepping up to present it alongside Graham Norton and Emma Willis: i.e., it's special.  Anyway, Pilou Asbaek, for that is his real name, has a fun wavy side quiff and appears to be having a whale of a time (well DUH!).  I'm not sure how much crossover there is in the Venn diagram of Scandi Noir and Eurovision, but I am FIRMLY in the middle bit. I can only hope that the PMILF Brigitte makes an appearance at some point - although I might spontaneously combust in excitement.

But enough Danish TV waffle, it's time for European song waffle!

Armenia

Remember J-Lo's second (third?) husband? He of vampire eye bags who ended up dating her out of Made In Chelsea and my-daddy-owns-Topshop fame? (What do you mean, no?) Well it's the Armenian him, singing what I am reliably informed is called 'dubstep'. The dubstep bit is quite good actually, but it takes a hundred years of dull orchestral warble to get there.  Incredibly, this is the FAVOURITE!

Douze points for: his leather fingerless gloves.

Lativa

Popbitch called them Mumford and c*nts - what this lacks in politeness, it makes up for in truth.  The theme of the song is finding it difficult to bake a cake. Guys, even I can manage a Victoria sponge.

Douze points for: I don't know... smugness?

Estonia

Impressive performance from a technical perspective: yer lady here is singing with big-lunged gusto whilst performing athletic ballet techno in massive white pants – helpful when one is being thrown about the stage by a white-vested Arena poster boy.  Shame it's to by-numbers Eurobeat.

Douze points for: flashing her Bridget Joneses, even if the gusset shot to the stage was unlikely to hit an appreciative target audience.

Sweden

Mature popstrel singing electro-dirge - think a low budget All By Myself, but with added slow electronica.  Disappointing, all in all - but I am judging this by Swedish Eurovision standards, so we're talking a high bar here.   It needed a high NRG dance remix, although I did enjoy the emotionally fraught, grammatically-creative lyric "Undo my sad".

Douze points for: her perfect messy bob. HAIR ENVY.

Iceland

Possible drinking buddy rivals to Lena herself – this lot look excellent fun, as evidenced by their impeccable rockabilly suits in the colours of the Teletubbies and ironic Status Quo guitareography

Douze points for: backing singer dudes with full ZZ Top beards and coloured boiler suits.

Albania

The theme of each introductory vignette was to have the singer recreate their own flag in some creative way; Armenia produced a broach, the Swede used a pool and yellow lilos, the Latvians managed to bake a fucking cake after all.  Lady Albania, however, went for FULL ON BACK TATTOO.  Yes it *seems* crazy, but think of all those Olympians who get their rings done. (Erm, that didn’t quite come out right.)  Not much to add about the song, which was essentially Kiss From A Rose being covered by Shakira in the style of Muse.

Douze points for: a man guitarist in a cream leather snood.

Russia

Oh Russia.  I was all set to hate this.  On paper, this was a terrifying recipe for creepy disaster: hair entwined Junior Eurovision champion blonde twins with Putin-approved fembot smiles singing about showing love (HA!) while holding glass staffs on a seesaw.  But of course it was bloody amazing.

Douze points for: the audience booing.  That was hilarious.

Azerbaijan

Lady in red sings a ballad whilst other lady in red does some trapeze stuff.  Meh.

A grudging douze points for: circus skills.

Ukraine

Ok, so much has been made of the use of a human hamster wheel in this number and whilst I accept it was impressive, it is important to note that this is not the first or best use of a human hamster wheel at the Eurovision Song Contest. Hell, it's not even Ukraine's first or best use of a human hamster wheel at the Eurovision Song Contest.  (It’s also not as good as this - omgtotesbigmegalolz!)  But don’t get me wrong, this was still great – I mean it's Ukrainian Eurovision which used the lyrics “Tick Tock Tricky Tricky Tock Tock Tock”, so what would you expect? 

Douze points for: not getting annexed by the Russian twins halfway through the performance.

Belgium

The Go Compare man singing opera about his mum.  Oedipal.  And awful.

Douze points for: Ghent's largest waistcoat.

Moldova

Bring on the Lady armour!  Bring on the medieval skirted men dancers! Bring on the Bucks Fizz inspired moment when she ripped off her own pigtail and threw it at the audience!

Douze points for: oh come on - who else can boast onstage hair removal?

San Marino

Come on Valentina – here’s to third time lucky.  If you’re not going to do it with a song about Facebook, then why not plump for an overblown Streisand-esque throwback yelly number with a breathy talky bit?

Douze points for: So seventies they probably put vaseline on the camera lens. Hello soft focus!

Half-time: Pilou looks blissfully happy. By which I mean blissfully drunk.

Portugal

Well, *this* is a departure!  Yes, it’s a woman, but this year SHE IS BLONDE!  And she’s not in black robes, but in a slutty chiffon top with flowers over the boobs!  And sure, she’s wailing in Portuguese, but there’s a Baleric Summer Hit beat behind the whole thing!  I suppose we can’t accuse Portugal of being stubbornly and exclusively fixated on their own cultural output when they’ve nicked the backing track from a foreign country; even if it is Spain.

Douze points for: carefully-placed tit tape.

Netherlands

I liked the performance at the time, but I have zero memory of the song today.  So I imagine it did well because it was fronted by a Country and Western duo who oozed professionalism and musical ability - who knew THAT approach would work?!!  For me, it lacked Juliette Barnes throwing evils from the side of the stage.  NASHVILE FOREVZ.

Douze points for: Amsterdam twang.

Montenegro

So the opening VT was Mr Montenegro – not *the* Mr Montenegro, but their singer for this year (a cross between Andrew Ridgely and Jason Segel and the brother out of Everybody Loves Raymond) – doing a jigsaw of Montenegro's flag helped by two adorable Montenegrin children.  Turns out that the 'but where is the last piece, oh no, but hooray that cute child has found it, phew' plot was enough to blind my critical eye, as by the time the song appeared, I was too busy ‘awwwww’-ing to really listen.  We’ve seen accompanying ice-skaters before, but Plushenko wasn’t given free reign of the whole stage, or his own on-floor lighting sequence.

Douze points for: being the song I wanted through even though it was probably terrible and I won’t remember in any way come the final.

Hungry

Finally some hotness!  By which I mean, man hotness - I imagine the stadium erupted with testosterone at this point, as a million gays finally had a hunk to scream at.  Flagpoles up, eh boys?  This was good old high-tempo Euro pop, where hot dude gets to referee a domestic row through the medium of dance.

Douze points for: he hawt.

Voting time entertainment: body-popping Dane in a glittery tracksuit and the cast of Cats. Clearly no Riverdance, but it did trump the time the Azeris failed to remember the words to Waterloo.  I am STILL shocked and appalled by that one and will definitely be writing a letter of complaint to Jon Ola Sand.  At some point.

The results: Many congrats to Armenia (eventual dubstep), Sweden (electro-dirge), Iceland (coloured suits), Russia (yay/boo twins), Azerbaijan (trapeze), Ukraine (hamster wheel: the sequel), San Marino (seventies Valentina - hooray for persistance!), the Netherlands (country and western), Montenegro (ice-skater) and Hungary (hawt) – the final beckons!