Denmark
Breaking My Heart – Reiley
A highly catchy, radio friendly, quirky falsetto (but very commercial) electro-pop ditty - and the record itself sounds great! But, here’s the familiar tell – I’m more interested in telling you about singer Reiley’s hair (flawless curly girl method, so mahogany, so shiny, so soft) than how it went. Which was badly. The whole live singing thing was a painful strain and no-one wants to see a porcelain cheek-boned child be humiliated on stage (never mind that Reiley is a 25 year old man with a billion TikTok followers and a fantabulous hairdresser). It didn’t help that our beautifully coiffed manboy was dressed head to toe in rhinestone candyfloss, or that they’d staged it in a soulless immersive selfie venue, a series of saccharine rooms full of neon hearts and balloons, designed for Instagram, iPhone cameras and the perfect chin meets lighting angle. What a frustrating waste.
Did this make it? No.
Are we surprised? At least we can now pretend it only ever
existed as a pre-record.
Armenia
Future Lover - Brunette
Phase 1: I’m Just A Sensitive Young
Girl. Luscious colours, swirly reflections and trippy oil paints on the giant
screens (very BBC2 channel ident). Musically, soft, slow, plinky plonky piano.
Phase 2: Angry Female Empowerment! Club strobes and bold monochrome silhouettes! Forceful stances! Shouty and bassy and dark and full of dramz!
Phase 3: Dance Break. More from da
club, plus added smoke machine, and a complete side eye to Israel’s overly
strenuous Zumba Breakdance routine (Brunette’s belly dancing hips > Noa’s strip
show caterpillar).
Phase 4 (yup FOUR): Variation on
2, but with nods to 1 and 3. Textbook
big voice emoting for the grand finale.
And all of this on a tilted
stage from a stone cold fox. Top of the
class for the big screen use – really excellent projections I’d pay good money
to see at Tate (or at one of those immersive selfie places shhhh).
Did this make it? Yes
Are we surprised? Reading back, I’ve
absolutely overemphasized Armenia’s impact, as I have no recollection of the
tune whatsoever. Great staging, but overall middling to fine.
Romania
D.G.T. (Off and On) - Theodor
Andrei
This year’s theme is Corporate Barbie Pink Suits for Gen Z Kens, and choreo which involves laying down on the floor and writhing in the projections. (Let’s not dwell on the hygiene implications, eh?) Theodor ticks off both themes in the first ten seconds, donning pink bermuda chinos, whilst a lovely CGI lady is projected on the floor, floating in a CGI pool of blood and straddling a CGI guitar. Yer man’s got a pleasant enough husky voice, but this is a tepid forgettable rock waltz, which is not improved by the appearance of the CGI lady IRL who inexplicably proceeds to smear a dark substance across Theo’s naked chest. At best it’s supposed to be A Stop Oil Protest comparing Theo's art to Van Gogh's Sunflowers, at worst it’s [redacted]
Did this make it? Twas shit.
Are we surprised? No, we are
not.
Estonia
Bridges - Alika
More Gen Z suit action – they
can’t get enough of polyester business-wear, can they? This time it’s a shade of blue/lavender which
looks lovely on my wisteria (brag), but isn’t great on a shoulder pad jumpsuit
with hole punch belt detail and big old trouser cape flares (actually it does
look good on the cape flares). Young Alika’s got
a huge old voice the juries will love but also a self-playing grand piano which
sits towards the creepy end of things. For the avoidance of doubt, things
pianos at Eurovision should do are: 1. have a
vampire appear from them, 2. be double, 3. catch on
fire. My ballad feelings are well documented – sometimes they get me, but mostly they don’t do it for me. This
one leaves me ultimately unmoved.
Did this make it? And that's a yes.
Are we surprised? PhDs will be dedicated to why this unremarkable but ok ballad made it through and some of the other ok but unremarkable ballads did not.
Belgium
Because of You - Gustaph
It’s hard to say whether Belgium
was a joyful burst of energy in and of itself, or because it followed four
somewhat meh entries. But this was a banger – specifically a nineties house
banger, which could easily be slipped into a mix of Finally, Show Me
Love or Free and sound solidly, authentically, of that time. Singing duties were performed by the lovely
Gustaph - a Botox-heavy, red-eyed, aging Belgian man (actually/allegedly two whole
years younger than me) in a giant panning for gold hat and – yup – another pink
suit. But before you accuse our Gustaph
of trying to fit into the Gen Z version of Rose Pour Homme, please note his suit trousers were of the tailored chaps meet pantaloon variety.
Did this make it? OUI!
Are we surprised? Feelgood cheese for miles.
Cyprus
Break a Broken Heart - Andrew
Lambrou
The main takeaway from this dramatic, emoting, woah woah woah-ing, actual use of fire on stage, brooding, heartfelt male ballad?
Andrew Lambrou’s absolutely giant arms.
Did this make it? Yes.
Are we surprised? What an *extraordinarily*
well constructed man Andrew... What’s
that? Oh yes, sure, sure, good song, good
voice etc etc.
Iceland
Power - Diljá
Drum and bass flavoured scandipop
from an ice white blonde, with Buffalo footwear and Spice Girl karate kicks. It’s an absolute earworm of a song, all about
female independence, which should be so up my strasse you’d expect it to
be my actual house (covered in wisteria, did I mention), but doesn’t quite land somehow. Maybe Dilja's performance was a bit too frenzied and intense. Or perhaps I didn’t care for yet another boxy suit
blazer (this time with a grey metallic sheen) or more floor writhing (landing
with a concussion thunk Rylan had to warn us was intentional).
Did this make it? No.
Are we surprised? It was by no
means one of the five worst tonight, but something was definitely lacking.
Greece
What They Say - Victor Vernicos
Poor Victor – only sweet 16, and
dressed in flesh beige ranger gear like the Eurovision ghost of Steve Irwin
(RIP). Victor’s nerves maybe got the
better of him – he was frantically bopping and moshing around to what was a
mid-tempo boy band-esque number with limited build up and resolution. The whole thing looked a bit unbalanced and off. Hopefully being 16 and at Eurovision was prize enough.
Did this make it? No
Are we surprised? No.
Poland
Solo - Blanka
And why not take the pre-programmed synthesiser reggae
beat of Ace of Bass as a musical reference and throw in a leggy Polish gal with
influencer looks, who more or less manages to keep her unremarkable voice in tune
*and* offers up some hairography salsa with a high kick to her nostrils? This was very much the Malibu and Coke, gel
nails and Hollyoaks of Eurovision – as my friend Beth commented, it’s serving
basic bitch and we are here for it.
Did this make it? Hahahaha - yes
Are we surprised? Stick mediocre pop in a mediocre crowd and we
all get bedazzled by legs, contouring and Invisalign.
Slovenia
Carpe Diem - Joker Out
Oh ello, is that a funky bass
line I spy, with a bit of guitar twanging, and enthusiastic bashing of the high
hat? This is a rare old thing – a charismatic
indie pop band balancing the fine line between cheese and charm, ironic winks
and sheer enjoyment, right down to lining up on stage in the closing bars, abandoning
all pretence that there’s anything live about the backing track, and taking a charming
group bow.
Did this make it? Yes!!!!!
Are we surprised? Delighted!
Georgia
Echo - Iru
Greek goddess sacrificial
bikini gown, with half of Claire’s Accessories pearls bin stuck to her face, and someone FINALLY cranking out the wind machine. I
actually really liked this – hints of ethno panpipe, military drums and pared
back electro, with lots of dramatic soprano wailing and shouting, including some
sort of fast murmuring scat singing which seemed to go “chickalicka lala lala
louleh lough lough jing ge oh jine ge oh”.
Did this make it? Sadly no.
Are we surprised? I can’t say it was *robbed* as the rejection
didn’t rise to travesty heights, but I wouldn’t have put Iru bottom five myself.
She was great.
San Marino
Like An Animal - Piqued Jacks
“C'mon baby, come and find me / I
can smell you like an animal.
Bring the party, Aphrodite, and
I'll tease you on the dancefloor.”
Lads – can I have a quiet word
about this thing called Hashtag Me Too?
Did this make it? Obviously not
Are we surprised? We are not.
Austria
Who The Hell Is Edgar? - Teya
& Salena
On the face of it, disposable novelty
pop from a random couple of Austrian birds doing silly faces and fake choral
singing, 90% of which is the repeated sound of “Po Po Po Po” (AKA the word “bum”
in German). But this is actually an outrageously
catchy pop song and biting satire about the music industry and the shittiness of trying
to generate earnings from Spotify in particular. The live version was always going to be quite a hard transition
from an extremely well produced music
video - more easily able to convey the social commentary angle, add an
eerie nod to the weirdness of Poe himself, and beef up the choral bit with,
like, an actual choir. But Teya and
Salena have slick live voices, nail some very tight harmonies, show bags of
swag, and, in Salena’s case, have donned the highest platform boots I have ever,
and will ever, see. Icons both.
Did this make it? 100%
Are we surprised? No no no no no
etc.
Albania
Duje - Albina & Familja
Kelmendi
The lead singer, a young woman with a big voice, has roped her literal family into this, and if that’s not a dream I can aspire to – my sons forming a successful band and inviting me on stage to sing with them at Eurovision in my sixties – then what is the point of ANYTHING? We’re also now on number three of three in a row where the staging and lights are themed red and black. Yawn. Whilst the songs could not have been more different (#MeToo #PoePoePoe #MumDoesEurovision) it might have been nice for one of those acts to offer up a slightly different colour palette (looking at you San Marino - it would have made no difference to the artistic output of whatever that was). Albania’s artistic output here is clear - local trad, minor chords and mucho yowling, but I do want to linger on the lead singer’s outfit – traditional too, in a way, with a twist of shiny lycra flares/upper thigh cut outs, American Football shoulder pads decorated in coins and bronze and Heavyweight Champion of the World belt detail, half Star Trek, half Game of Thrones, all very... something.
Did this make it? Yes!
Are we surprised? Mummy is SO
PROUD.
Lithuania
Stay - Monika Linkytė
It starts off with Monika in firm heartbreak ballad territory and I was all ready to curl my lip and roll my eyes. But then we got a lovely blast of harmonies from Monika’s girls and some rather catchy upbeat chorus action, as they all sang together in a pleasing circle which radiated female friendship and warmth. Though….. circle time did also highlight the stark contrast between Monika’s lovely sixties orange mini dress, and the black manmade fibre gentlemen’s shirts and slacks bulk-bought for her girlfriends/backing singers, which did nothing to enhance their wares and everything to make them look like Monica’s dowdy hangers on, cut price employees. That lewk I did not care for - the chorus would be nothing without the altos THANK YOU. Time to glow your backers up, Lithuanian delegation.
Did this make it? Oh look, it
did!
Are we surprised? They’ve now got all of Friday to pop out to Liverpool
ONE and purchase some better fitting garb for the whole lady crew. Bin the shirts.
Australia
Promise – Voyager
This is potentially Australia’s last year with us, which is MAD, and I will personally start the petition for them to stay, if I ever manage to actually finish this eye-wateringly long blog post. They remain a brilliant Eurovision nation, with another cracker in front of us – a band of veteran rockers marrying eighties electric neon with heavy metal rock guitar and even fleeting moments of terrifying thrash. Every single member of the band was into it and up for it – standing drums, legs akimbo guitar solo, some Status Quo-inspired instrument-oregraphy, and, that evergreen favourite, the joyful silliness of the keytar. Camp, catchy, overblown, polished. AND an onstage car. Bravo Oz.
Did this make it? YES MATE.
Are we surprised? NAH MATE.
And we are done! Boom. It wasn’t a quality semi final, but it had its
moments. Saturday calls now
children. Have a good one lovelies. See you soon.
