Please brace yourselves for a middle-aged woman getting increasingly grumpy about the lack of practical clothing the young ones insist on, before swooning, somewhat embarrassingly, at some handsome men. Off we go!
Greece
Superg!rl by Stefania
I'm just going to skip over that exclamation mark. So, we are looking at a very literal interpretation of the song’s title here; Stefania, it turns out, has ACTUAL super powers, which she likes to use for good at her American Teen Movie High School (Athens, Georgia, I assume). Firstly, Stefania avenges a hot geek she fancies by humiliating his bully. Then, when a student recklessly discards a banana by throwing it over their shoulder into a busy corridor, Stefania stops a lesser pretty girl from slipping on it. Let's leave aside my concerns about the leadership team's action on behaviour management, and return to Stefania, who - IMPORTANT PLOT POINT - is VERY SHY. So when her magic powers are outed during banana-gate and she is suddenly confronted with a million school teens thrusting their phones in her face to get blurry TikTok footage, so she runs away to cry many superhero tears. Fortunately - yes, the roller coaster continues - Hot Geek is there to comfort poor Stefania, and they stare intensely at each other in a park, looking sad and not snogging, until - no this isn't over yet - there is a SUDDEN EMERGENCY! An orange cat is stuck up a tree and a concerned crowd is gathering! (Yup, that's the emergency, don't @ me.) What to do? Stefania is unsure – there are so many camera phones around! Should she reveal her powers to rescue the cat? Fortunately, Hot Geek gives her an encouraging manly nod, and she decides to do the right thing by pussy. She flies up, saves the animal (which like all cats couldn’t give a measly shit – full respect to you and your species, Mr Whispers) and hands it to Hot Geek before they stare intensely at each other some more. What an inspirational tale. The song is dross by the way, which is a crying shame, given this is Greek Eurovision.
How would this have done live on the night? Stefania can barely sing with the benefit of heavy production and auto-tune, so there would be a lot riding on the dance routine.
Estonia
What Love Is by Uku Suviste
Really Estonia, you’re providing us with another very tall, very hot, very Estonian man? This is getting embarrassing now. Oh actually, on closer inspection, Uku’s sexy stubble is more likely the product of over-partying and a few too many late-night kebabs; he looks hungover to fuck, as he sings in a warehouse, with a wispy old bit of spider’s web hanging from his mic and the letters L O V E propped up against the Goods-In door. This is all rather slow, and then the bass kicks in and there’s suddenly a billion candles in the warehouse. By verse three, they’ve added a smoke machine. I didn’t notice a key-change, but that would be the holy triumvirate of fire/smoke/modulation, so I’m going to say there that yes, there definitely was one.
How would this have done live on the night? Well I didn’t hate it, for a slow one. If Uku lays off the booze and finds a good Tallin tailor, we might be on to something.
Austria
Alive by Vincent Bueno
Another hot man, another empty warehouse; Vincent has had fewer late nights though – his cheekbones are extremely prominent and he’s not had to grow any stubble to cover a sagging kebab chin (yes, Uku, it’s your way I’m throwing that chin(s) shade). The song is a falsetto-y Justin Trousersnake B-side, which is fine if that’s your thing but it’s not my thing because my thing has been to never really like the thing that is pop phenomenon Justin Trousersnake.
How would this have done live on the night? Highly rehearsed, very clinical and all the dullness that comes with being over-prepared.
Moldova
Prison by Natalia Gordienko
Natalia is a stone cold fox, in a tight red dress, being photographed by an equally attractive man in a suit, whilst she sings – very effectively – and smoulders at the camera in an extremely dimly lit photo studio, which I fear may not produce the greatest of quality shots. But worry not, as Natalia can also smoulder-sing outside, both by day, in a scrubby wasteland, and by night, in a valley above the city, where she’s somehow managed to source and plug in five chintzy lampshades. This is perfume ad meets power ballad meets famous blond models of the 1980s, so has gone in a direction I am completely unwilling to criticise.
How would this have done live on the night? If she’d sold this like the pouty lampshade scenes, there was high potential. I do miss the Moldovan crazy though; we’re quite some way from Epic Sax Guy.
San Marino
Freaky! By Senhit
Did I say I missed crazy? Just let me reel back a thousand paces, eh? The benefit of Semi Final 1 was that we actually had quite a few live performances to watch. This is now the fifth pre-recorded video in a row, and if I wanted to watch back-to-back music videos from central European popstars I’ve never heard of, then I’d be streaming MTV Lichtenstein of an evening, rather than watching The Great British Throw Down. (As if I know how to stream! I’m the wrong side of 40!) This is uptempo bonkers disco pop – of course it is, it’s San Marino - and it’s called 'Freaky!' (With! An! Exclamation! Mark!) It was probably intended to come across as hilariously mad and inventive, but in truth it’s an exhausting series of jump-cuts through incoherent dance scenes and psychedelic video graphics – there’s Senhit dressed as a ring master, there’s Senhit writhing with her dancers in a sauna, now Senhit is prancing around a middle finger made of porcelain reminiscent of a giant Victorian dildo, now she’s sitting in a big white face/chair, now she's... Is it over yet? Nope. Disco balls! Space rave! Glittered gimp mask! Cat o’nine tails! Bad Vogue! And snogging. So much snogging. I don’t need to see so much twenty-something saliva. I’m a very tired mum of two.
How would this have done live on the night? Sorry to be grumpy, I’m just missing real Eurovision. Live on the night, this would have been a deluge of tacky disco shit and I'd have bloody loved it.
Czech Republic
Kemama by Benni Christo
Another semi-final, another afro-beat offering! Who knew? It's not an immediate association I’d have made with the Czech Republic, but that, my friends, is on me. To be fair, the CR are carving out a niche for light catchy pop performed by younger gentlemen probably slightly too cool for the traditional boy band trajectory (but not too cool for EV - lolz emoji). Benni and his friends are 'Skins: Czech edition' - colourful hair, tattoos, piercings, quirkily attractive, and looking for a good time in a slightly shady suburb. They all wear excessively oversized coats, which they are forced to strip off once they arrive at a house party with working central heating - indeed they’re all down to vest and pants within moments of the stereo being turned up in the living room. Lack of layers, kids, that’s what your problem is. And what’s wrong with a foldaway anorak anyway?
How would this have done live on the night? What’s the Czech for ‘promises something different, ultimately very bland’?
Serbia
Hasta La Vista by Hurricane
"Budget Pussycat Dolls" said Mr Cad, as he passed by the livestream – this is a generous take, but did make me rethink the ethics of typing out 'Prostitute Pop'. I welcome you all to a steady stream of girl band gyration, PVC knickers, hair flicks, unnecessary collagen, grating auto-tune, glow-in-the-dark eye-shadow and unlistenable hi-NRG dance pop. So far, so familiar, but there’s a fine line between gloriously bathing in gold glitter in a bath dressed as Cleopatra and because fabulous, and looking a bit tacky and sad and *entirely* designed for the male gaze, - and falls the wrong side. Don’t ask me why, people, I’ve never claimed to be consistent in my feminism. BRB, just googling glow-in-the-dark eye-shadow.
How would this have done live on the night? One hot, tacky, Botox-ed, embarrassing, mess.
Poland
Empires by Alicja
At least Alicja hasn’t destroyed her young beautiful face with premature surgery (yes, Serbia, looking at you three) and she’s got a pretty good voice. It’s essentially another Bond theme – Conchita’s legacy sneaking in this year. But this is much better than Belgium – mainly as they’ve replaced a big-haired man-orchestra with stock footage of fire, wind and, um, flooding...?
How would this have done live on the night? I’d have been rooting for you Alicja – I don’t loathe *all* the ballads.
Iceland
Think About Things by Daði og Gagnamagnið
This is the one you’ve probably seen on social media – Daði Freyr has, quite rightly, become a Twitter darling for all the content he’s pumped out and inspired. And even though the official video is genuinely excellent, we’re getting a live performance here – so props and then some. The live performance is as funny, inventive, hipster, low-key and enjoyable as the video – both well worth an actual watch. Look out for teal jumpsuits, eighties computer graphics, homemade key-tars and a dance routine involving side-stepping and bum wiggling, which we’ll all be emulating regardless of wider demographic. And a catchy pop tune – like Hot Chip* searching out some actual radio play.
How would this have done live on the night? Triumphant. God I needed that. Reykjavik 2021 was robbed.
NB: For further information about the real standout star here (the ‘ð’ sound), you may wish to peruse: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eth
(*UPDATE: I wrote the Hot Chip reference before discovering that Hot Chip have actually done a remix of TAT, which is a definitely less good (albeit not entirely tedious) literal demonstration of my point. That the link is on a blog called 'Brooklyn Vegan' is *kisses fingers*)
Switzerland
Répondez-moi by Gjon's Tears
Chanson francaise! Well, Suisse anyway. I don't know why Gjon is crying, but he's produced a moody, slow, emo-electro number, which is perfectly fine, if slightly unexciting. Ha – it’s tickled me to find myself so decidedly neutral about this year’s Swiss entry.
How would this have done live on the night? In the context of tonight’s generally mediocre offerings (not you Daði), I’m on the plus side of neutral.
* * *
At this point in proceedings there’s a bit where we are treated to seeing some of the artists in their homes for reasons utterly beyond me but where I obviously watch each promo in full. First up, our Swiss man who (strategically and not so neutrally) goes through his record collection and his love for Russian music. Then Stefania Greece describes her favourite hologram dress at great length - nice to see her keeping it all about the music. Senhat San Marino talks about her dog who is “literally my friend” and we learn lots of very interesting things like that he is often dog-sat by her sister and that if he’s in a bad mood he requires food and then it transpires she just ‘happened’ to name her Italian tour after her dog so hello opportunity to plug a few nightclub appearances to an audience a few million times the size of San Marino (I am definitely warming to Senhat). Next is Tom Leeb of France who wow he is pretty, I mean quite seriously pretty, have you seen his face because that is quite the pretty oh hang on he’s going on about all his guitars yup still banging on about guitars ok he is currently naming them by brand and number shall we zzzzzzz what god gives with one hand etc.
And what did the UK offer in all this: James Newman, a not petite man, demonstrating in full fluent Northern how to cook bacon and eggs. Firstly, eggs are almost impossible to buy right now James, so have some respect, and secondly, did you think about how interested the rest of Europe might be in Ready Steady Cook the Eurovision edition? To be honest, if the viewing public outside of the UK understood even 10% of it (that’s the bit where he shows us eggs and says they are eggs), then they’ll have done very well.
* * *
Denmark
YES by Ben & Tan
Youngish boy-girl duet, which has something of the Mumford and Sons about it and which I secretly like a lot, even if Tan does have half a bra and her thighs on show in strappy high heeled boots and a deconstructed mini dress, whilst Ben is in full turtle neck, jacket and guitar, cause ain’t no-one catching a glimpse of his M&S cupsize. Pfffffff.
How would this have done live on the night? Extra tick to Denmark for offering up the recording of a live performance – competent and enjoyable, if unremarkable.
Albania
Fall From The Sky by Arilena Ara
A big ballad from a small young woman. Arilena can be found sitting on a white piano, then stroking the keys of a white piano, then standing in front of a white piano, then looming on top of a white piano – are you sensing a theme? Well time to move on, because we’re now under a big fake tree painted in Tippex, the likes of which you’d see in a rando room of Tate Modern and/or the window display of an upmarket high street clothes shop. Arilena is now in a giant birdcage (white, obvz), then back under her tree, then back on her piano and before we think of any other big white structures to place her in, the three minutes are up and we’re done.
How would this have done live on the night? I’m predicting cage, piano AND tree on stage, which is fine and workable - but Arilena have had to pick between one of her many pristine white outfit changes (would she go dress, or tracksuit, or a third outfit I’ve already forgotten). And which of her display of noughties hair styles would make the cut? (GHD straighteners? Croydon facelift? Seven hours of product to get that just-out-of-bed tousled look that is actually a solid helmet of hair wax you can tap and it won’t move...?)
Finland
Looking Back by Aksel
Portly gent in shiny blue Burton suit with an admirable if futile attempt at Movember, singing a yawnsome Coldplay-style ballad. What I imagine you’d get at a Young Conservative karaoke event towards the end of the evening when all the other Tories have compared family trees and pulled, but Aksel hasn’t made the cut.
How would this have done live on the night? Helsinki James Corden and his blue suit are offset by simple staging (one mic and a light show), which I very much appreciate after the OTT cray cray displays we’ve been experiencing to date (not you Iceland).
Armenia
Chains On You by Athena Manoukian
Talking of OTT cray cray displays, Armenia have splurged to make Evil Disney Queen: the High School Years; when a hypersexualised Maleficent terrorised the homeroom. There’s no discernible tune here, just Athena in a pearl-encrusted swimming cossie and some bouffy lace shoulderpads, drawling the words ‘naughty’ and ‘diamonds’ and ‘hurt me’ (yup, ‘hurt me’) in a monotonous drawl.
How would this have done live on the night? *sighs* *lives in hope that the live version would have made me feel a little less old and a little less tired*
Portugal
Medo De Sentir by Elisa
Two Portuguese lovelies, and a simple, mournful piano ballad – it’s a palate cleanser after the sex-robotic depression of ‘diamonds diamonds naughty hurt me’. I’m also very happy about the fashion choice made by the young lead singer - polka dot blouse with oversized sleeves and 1930’s giant slacks made entirely of maroon sequins.
How would this have done live on the night? Eliza had to strain a little, but all is forgiven by the simple sight of a woman wearing actual trousers over her knickers.
Georgia
Take Me As I Am by Tornike Kipiani
Firstly, Tornike… actually firstly, Tornike is called ‘tourniquet’. But firstly (secondly), Tornike manages to rhyme “English man” and “Italian” and “French homme” and “German”, which means his accent is up there with Lena Satellite and this nothing short of absolutely brilliant. And secondly (thirdly), he has an extremely strong RAWK voice and thirdly (fourthly) his female backing singer wears a VEST and JEANS. Brooding, rocky, multilingual, appropriate clothing. Top marks.
How would this have done live on the night? GOOD EVENING STROBE CITY!!!!!!!!!
Bulgaria
Tears Getting Sober by VICTORIA
Why the capital letters, VICTORIA? Do we have to shout your name? Why are you sitting on a bench looking sad? And why is the camera turning a full 360 and giving me a headache? And just to prove that women can never get it right, VICTORIA looks a bit dull in black shirt buttoned-up to the nose and sensible school trousers, a bit 14 year old boy at a funeral. The song is slow and gentle and not very interesting bar a little hummy bit in the middle. Sorry VICTORIA, not one for me.
How would this have done live on the night? In its defence, there’s ample use of the smoke machine, to the extent that we can’t actually see VICTORIA’s face for a good portion of the song, which may seem a bit much, but less is never more when it comes to generating on-stage fog.
Latvia
Still Breathing by Samanta Tīna
I was on actual Latvian TV earlier this year (for reasons I coyly won’t go into, beyond saying I hadn’t committed any Latvian crimes, because, like Stefania Greece, I have to protect my real life identity) and my interviewer was lovely, so I’m very pro-Latvia at the moment. I’m yet to be convinced by the song (one repeated beat and high register wailing) but let’s gloss over that, because the video is something else. We’re in high concept territory here and whilst I’m not entirely sure I get it, I can recommend the following:
- Samanta’s giant hat
- Samanta’s army of mannequin dancers in coloured visors
- Samanta's army rocking teeny tiny pushchairs in high heels and red tights (I’m apparently over the no trousers thing now)
- Sarcastic domestic chore-ography (ironing, cooking, potato peeling, Detoxing, all the classics)
- The Dove advert approach of using ‘real’ women in lingerie (that all woman are real is besides the point, of course, as real here means not conventionally thin and just bloody make sure they are fatter than Samanta.
- Not at all fat Samanta closes up by rejecting a carrot in favour of an entire chocolate cake which she smears over her face and is a not at all an attempt at sexy lip licking because it's a POWERFUL message that... Um? It’s cheat day?
How would this have done live on the night? Well done for weirdness, well done for being Lativa and well done for making it stand out in spite of the non-descript electronica. There’s also a rap interlude and who doesn’t want to see the likes of that live?
France (BIG 5 – free pass to the final)
Mon Alliée (The Best In Me) by Tom Leeb
Tom aime jouer de la guitare. Tom est très beau. Bonjour Tom, tu aimes jouer au golf et la discothèque? Ah non, Tom aime juste les guitares. Tom a vingt-neuf guitares. OK, time to step away. I think we’ve covered this already.
How would this have done live on the night? He’s pretty, but the song is boring. Standard Big 5 fare then.
UK (BIG 5 – free pass to the final)
My Last Breath by James Newman
There was a lot of chatter about how the UK was actually trying this year, as there's a big record company involved, and I do actually rate this song. But I also liked Better Than Us last year, and this seems pretty similar to me - a slow-ish, catchy, Radio 2 friendly, guitar pop number, sung by a big, ever so slightly famous lad from up North. So what do I know? Like Jon Snow, I know nothing. Other than it’s not an ideal year to call your song ‘My Last Breath’.
How would this have done live on the night? In all honestly, it would get lost in the maelstrom. Even in this year's quite shit barely-dressed pop princess and pretty man does ballad (and Icelandic genius) maelstrom.
Spain (BIG 5 – free pass to the final)
Universo by Blas Canto
Well hola Blas – are you the new Strictly pro they’re getting in to replace Kevin Clifton by any chance? He certainly looks the part, especially when he dons a very sharp suit in red and white tiger print. Blas is also keen to showcase his other talents (outfits); swishing a big coat, modelling a beige jacket, a cummerbund/Beauty Queen sash, rock climbing - though I’m not sure you can get a black leather faux rucksack harness and elbow glove combo at Decathlon - and leading what looks like the mass suicide of a cult.
How would this have done live on the night? If you could just hold off killing your disciples, Blas, and bringing a few of them – yes in their wipe-clean plastic capes and chain-mail facemasks – to dance on stage, I think you might have something.
THE END!
OMG, that’s it. If you’ve made it this far, then… well, we’re all feeling the impact of lockdown, so that will explain the buzzing in your brain and the throbbing in your eyeballs. Keep your hands clean and your strengths up, for who knows what Saturday will bring… Alertness at all times and a bientot.
