Kiev 2017 - Semi final #2

So tonight's Operation Toddler To Sleep Before 8pm (code name: Operation Keychange) was less of a success, as was Operation Remember To Bring The Headphones Upstairs Beforehand.  At 8.01 there was still a fair amount of cot-based chatting ("milk, panda, bus, Mummy, milk please') and irresistible attempts to manipulate by offering kisses through the cot bars *heart eyes emoji*.  Anyway, it turns out that the dulcet tones of Mel and Scott squeaking out of an iPhone on volume setting 1 were perfect for a two year to drift off to sleep to.  Certainly more effective than Ewan the Dream Sheep (he's totally lost his touch). Result! And it's important to introduce small children to culture as early as possible, isn’t it?

And who could argue that such culture doesn't include a flute and accordion reprise of Euphoria and cossack-dancing to My Number 1, which I loved far more than I should have.  I’m totally pro this general opening concept - traditional instruments performing classic Eurovij covers with accompanying dance in national dress.  If we ever win it (*dies laughing*), I can’t think of a better concept than some Morris Dancers, a Welsh male voice choir and some kilt-ed bagpipers involving themselves in a version of Oooh A Just A Little Bit.

What else to report before we get on with the show?  Vulva’s back and someone’s sicked an embroidered flower on his suit.  OMG, it seems that’s it!  No Ukrainian pop to bother our senses?  Let’s crack on then…

Serbia

And let white dress watch commence!   You can’t move for them this year, especially with a see-through bridal twist, like Serbia here are offering - it’s basically part wedding dress, part synchronised swimming outfit – pearls, billowing sleeves, and white chiffon, atop a simple lady-Speedo.  Throw in a topless man in white pyjama bottoms writhing over some water graphics and you’re there.

Did they make it?   It's a no from Europe.

Are we surprised?  Curse of first.  It was certainly no worse than some of the drivel we were subjected to tonight.

Austria

Well there was a giant moon on stage, but not the buttocks kind, sadly.  Basically a perky stage school graduate perked his perky way through a perky pop ditty.  In equal parts catchy and irritating.

Did they make it?  Yes

Are we surprised?  Every year a jaunty piece of indie pop scrapes through - here's 2017's.

FYR Macedonia

We haven’t talked much about the introductory vignettes, have we?  That’s because zzzzzzz – disappointingly unweird.  But FYR Macedonia decided to use theirs to make clear that whilst their singer might SEEM fat, she's actually totes preggers!  And good on her for squeezing into black spangled Bridget Jones knickers and faux suede thigh highs whilst jiggling to girl-pop electro.  Shame she was MIMING.  I swear - there was barely any sync between her mouth opening and the sound of lady singing.  Don’t get me wrong, the first trimester brings a tiredness you have never known and you can’t even have coffee, but still...  Now rest up and get ready – you’re about to endure several years of zero sleep and the brink of divorce experience a miracle of love you have never ever known.

Did they make it?  No

Are we surprised? Not after mime-gate.

Malta 

To be honest, most of the descriptions for this year's acts could go “bridal-esque white dress / pearl decor encasing generous bosom / smoke and/or wind machine / competent big voice / pop song/ballad that makes me go zzzzzzzzzzzzz”.  This one is no exception, but we expect more from our Maltesers.  They're a Eurovision mainstay.

Did they make it?  No!

Are we surprised?  Hugely!  A big voiced Maltese diva belting out an overly-emotional ballad?  Erstwhile Eurovision catnip...

Romania

Sexy yodelling.  Who knew?  But thank Gawd for a gimmick at this point in the evening – and I’m not even on about the yodelling, as they’ve got two silver cannons on stage for no reason whatsoever.  Ridiculous but somehow charming.  #teamyodel

Did they make it?  Yodel-a-hi-ho!  Yes they did.

Are we surprised?  Not really; yodeling and cannons cover a lot of interest bases.

Holland

You know that song Hold On by Wilson Phillips?  Well that.  EXACTLY that.  Down to the family connection, luscious harmonizing, and lyrics complied from a Google search for “inspirational slogans”.  I do wish I’d been present for wardrobe negotiations as these three Dutch sisters argued over three variations on the ‘let me just pour myself into this skintight black rhinestone number no I will not go up a size we can definitely get this zip up just pull harder you stupid bitch pull pull PULL’.  I reckon they were all after the jumpsuit – you could tell by the extra smugness on the jumpsuit-wearer’s face.    

Did they make it?  Yes

Are we surprised?  Maybe a little, but Hold On is a cracking pop number.

Hungary

Darius has let himself go since he moved to Budapest, I note. (Boom! Check out my noughties' reference.)  I always appreciate men's fashion at Eurovision and this is a fine eclectic stab: blue accountant shirt and jeans, under a military dress waistcoat, brass-buttoned leather jacket and particularly dashing knee-length Herr Flick boots.  Think marching band practice on dress-down Friday.  Clearly Darius also wanted a man bun but his hair wasn’t quite long enough, so they had to loop it into what I'm terming a hipster comb-over.  At least his bessies, a gypsy belly dancer and gyrating violin lady, were there in support as he mumbled out a rap to an ethno beat, whilst playing a milk jug (for realz). 

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Kinda, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, and so did Europe, clearly.

Denmark

Blonde Danish lovely strains both her vocal cords and flimsy red bodice.  This was an awful, screamy, boring state of a number, not even slightly redeemed by a curtain of fire.  Next!

Did they make it?  YOU WHAT?  Yes.  Unbelievably, yes.

Are we surprised?  I was gobsmacked – this was terrible.  Though I can think of two reasons it might have made it.  (I’m a feminist, but... I have no problem uncharitably referring to her giant boobs there.)

Ireland

It’s official, if it wasn’t already – Ireland want out.  (May I recommend a depressing referendum, then, as the turkeys totally will vote for Christmas.)  Another year, another Lovely Horse - they just couldn't bear to host again, clearly.  What else could explain the choice of a (admittedly very pretty) young man, with highly limited stage presence and the singing voice of a eleven year old girl, standing stock still on a fake hot air balloon?  Oh Louis Walsh was involved in the staging process?  Ah.

Did they make it?  He was adorable, but no.  No no no.

Are we surprised?  Not even a teeny little tiny smidgen of a bit.

San Marino

Ultimate. 

Hot. 

Mess. 

Honestly, I'm not sure this couple had even met, let alone rehearsed - I've heard more polished performances in the early hours at Karaoke Box, after a vat-full of sambuca. Mind you, this is Valentina's fourth (FOURTH!) Eurovision stint, so it's perhaps unsurprising she's a bit blasé.  That would explain the bottle-ombrage hair, the Vicky Pollard tracksuit of mesh and sequins, and the decision to just blag it with some hair wafts and dad dancing.  Never change Valentina, See you in 2018.

Did they make it? HAHAHAHAHA. No. 

Are we surprised? HAHAHAHAHA. No. 

Croatia

This guy.  Boy oh boy.  I DO NOT advocate violence, but this is a face a non-pacifist might enjoy administering a (very very gentle non-painful) slap to.  His thing is that he can do both pop and opera, meaning he is adequate at both and especially brilliant at neither.  It mainly gives him the perfect excuse to show off on stage by dueting with himself; donning a silver glove to denote his pop side and a leather studded tailcoat to denote his funky opera side.  He begins with a spoken word bit where he sagely tells us that there are two ways to live your life: “One is as if nothing is a miracle. One is as if everything is a miracle.”  *MASSIVE EYE ROLL*  It does not improve with the musical part.

Did they make it?  Yep.

Are we surprised?  Not really.  Europe lives for this shit.  

Norway

When Eurovision does ‘edgy’.  Bless.  

"So we’ll just whack a couple of DJs on stage and give them hoods and masks, so they look like they’re in The Purge?"  

"Sure...  Though it *is* Eurovision, so maybe we should glitz it up a smidge?  Bit less psycho murderer and bit more funky dance party?!" 

"Yeah maybe... Pink LED lights on the mask?  And we'll have him whack a big bass drum? "Great. That will definitely distract from the main repeated lyric of 'I’M GOING TO KILL...'."

"Oslo 2018.  Boom." 

Did they make it?  Yes

Are we surprised?  Probably not, the song was quite good – well, by tonight’s standards.  

Switzerland

Mon dieu/mein Gott, everyone is wearing a white dress tonight, how will I stand out?!   Two words, my Swiss miss: canary yellow.  And to really highlight your outfit, lest the CANARY YELLOW is not enough, let’s fringe it with Big Bird’s maltings and build you a large yellow turret and staircase for your yellow feather-fringed train. 

Did they make it?  No, for it was terrible.

Are we surprised? No, for it was terrible.  But did make me think of cheese, so it wasn’t altogether ineffective at pushing the national product.

Belarus

It’s nice to see the White Stripes are still going (Boom! Check out my noughties' reference) though they've gone in an Of Monsters and Men folky direction. (Boom!  Check out how I've heard of a band who produced music this decade.)  Anyway, Meg seems to have swapped her drum kit for a hovercraft, which is obviously what happens when you reach that level of Belorussian fame.   Yes, there was an actual hovercraft on stage, for reasons no-one could fathom unless the Belorussian for hovercraft is “hi hi ya ya ho” and that was the theme of the song.

Did they make it?  Yes!

Are we surprised?  Dudes, there was a hovercraft on stage.  Nauticalography is always a winner. 

Bulgaria

Bulgarian Bieber, with some pretty impressive pipes for one so young.  Not much to mock really, other than his Something About Mary quiff.  Quite the volume.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Nope – competent if slight uninspiring stuff.

Lithuania

I thought she was super hipster cool – with her scarlet Victoriana dress and topknot held in place with a stick she’d probably whittled herself whilst brewing craft beer and reading Chekhov.  Though I’m not sure how she got her acrylic talons through airport security (er, by just driving to Ukraine MAYBE?).  

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  This was my favourite of the evening, so nope.  It wouldn’t be Eurovision if I didn’t get to sulk a little. 

Estonia

More bridalwear ahoy!  Though this is more the kind of white slutty number an ex-girlfriend would wear to upstage the bride.  She’s brought her date too - a slightly younger model with embarrassingly tight trousers and sequinned lapels.  I thought there was a hint of Fleetwood Mac at one point, but I think it was just the sanity deprivation that happens after this many hours of Eurovij.

Did they make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  A little – I thought it might’ve scraped through.

Israel

As soon as he appeared, it was clear this was going to make it.  Those arms!  WAY too buff and glossy to fail.  Basically, this guy was hot.  So hot.  So very hot.  The song?  I assume there must have been one, yes.  Did I mention the hot.  So hot.  So very hot.

Did they make it?  Yes

Are we surprised?  In no way.

And we is done.  I’m not going to linger on the BBC’s bizarre Scandi-noir pastiche, which even Mel Giedroyc couldn’t really save, and more Verka.  Where's Ruslana in all this, I wonder?  Have they whitewashed the Eurovision glory that is Wild Dances?  (Ukraine's second greatest moment, after THIS CLASSIC.   

Actually, I will mention the highly enjoyable skit in which Mel dresses as a bel boy and interviews some of the acts though.  Highlights: poking San Marino Man's pectorals and offering to be be a human Macedonian flag.

So let's role call for Saturday, shall we?

Austria (stage school)

Romania (cannon yodel)

Netherlands (sister trio)

Hungary (casual Friday band practice)

Denmark (screechy lungs)

Croatia (one man duet)

Norway (glow stick mask)

Belarus (hovercraft)

Bulgaria (boy quiff)

Israel (hunk)

Nearly there... The smart money's on Portugal, by the way.

Kiev 2017 - Semi final #1

And once again, here we are.  We begin with a moment of victory, as one Eurofan’s toddler falls asleep at 19.54, giving ample time for a pre-show wee, basic snack grab and the standard I-just-got-my-toddler-to-sleep-before-the-show mum dance (silent fist pumps and pelvic thrusts at the top of the stairs).   

But it was an ill-fated celebration, because said toddler woke again at 20.08 (cue the standard nooooooo-goooooo-tooooooo-sleeeeeeeep dance of dejection and fury).  Still, hooray for Bluetooth headphones, the iPlayer app and a casual approach to parenting: “there there dear, mummy’s just looking at very important but boring grown up information on her phone whilst she pats your back and you go to sleep.”

There was some buffering of course, but I think I got the main points; Ukraine are celebrating diversity by having three white men present the show, one of whom seems to be called Vulva, and all of whom promise us semis.  We are RIGHT ON TRACK, people.

We are also treated to an opening number from Grant and Phil Mitchell's Ukrainian cousin, Monatik, sporting a beanie that shrunk in the wash and a fabulous electric blue and white pattered peignoir.  Don't let the chunky demeanour fool you, Monatik Mitchell is quite a sprightly mover.  

A quick show-off from Vulva that his French is very good, and we can finally get to the 'good' stuff: so let’s get some mother pukking acts on.

Sweden

It's well known that both 'Swedish popstars' and 'men on treadmills' score astronomically high on the arrogance scale, so you’d be right to assume Robin Bengt, a Swedish popstar who performs his routine on a treadmill, with a bunch of male treadmill buddies, is off the chart for smugness.  How does treadmillography work you may wonder?  Think walking on the spot whilst making shadow animals with the hands and repeatedly unbuttoning and rebuttoning a suit jacket (smugly).  The greatest disappointment, of course, was that none of them fell off their treadmill.

Did they make it?  Yes - immortality as a You've Been Framed treadmill faller can still beckon. 

Are we surprised?  Confident Swedish man sings catchy pop ditty? Eurovision catnip.

Georgia

Smoke machine, howling, multiple key changes, skeletal lady in red cape and evening wear... All the Eurovision hallmarks - if this were the seventies.  Not sure which was more disappointing; the song itself or discovering that the only highlight - a bejewelled red and chiffon flared jumpsuit - was actually a pouffy ballgown.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Shoulda gone jumpsuit.

Australia

G'day 17 year old man-child, whose beauty therapist was determined to have her eyebrow-threading work noticed on the international stage.  Look, the song was fine, but we’ve come to expect far more from our Aussie mates.  If you’re just going to phone it in, Oz, then why even bother?  Is this your way of getting Europe to dump you first?  We get it.  You've changed, it’s not you it’s us, etc etc.  You're not alone, guys - Ireland have been trying to get out for years.  And what do you think Brexit was really about?  Oh yes, that’s right: NHS lies and xenophobia.  My bad.

Did they make it?  Yep. At least he’ll get another chance to attempt the falsetto riff he clearly can’t do, even with a tighter trouser. 

Are we surprised? Not given the competition.

Albania

Welcome Lindita – dressed as a bride with an entirely see-through skirt and only the merest hint of silver corset to cover her Tirana.   I don't wish to be unkind, but there’s something utterly terrifying about Lindita - if you saw her coming up the aisle, you’d immediately scream “ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE” and use the older family members in the front pew for a leg up to get the hell out of there.

Did they make it?  They did not.

Are we surprised?  We are not.

Belgium

The usual gushing charisma we’ve come to expect of Belgium, a country so boring all their Euro coins just have the profile of their fat king on them (Finland have wild swans, FFS. Italy have a naked man!).  Belgian singer Blanche is that awkward teen who’s been forced into a prom dress “for such a special occasion, darling” but has conceded she’ll only do it “if it's black because I HATE YOU MUM” and “don't think I intend to wash or brush my hair because I HATE YOU MUM”.  It’s a shame really, as she’d have looked way better in an indie t-shirt and some jeans, or whatever the anti-Kardashian out-crowd wear these days.

Did they make it?  You what?!? She did!

Are we surprised? A little – not a terrible alt pop song really, but pitched too low live. And did I mention the hair?

Montenegro

Pay attention, guys.  It's Slavko time!  Please don’t be distracted by this Eurogay’s chiffon top and purple skirt, torn off to reveal peacock bejewelled spangly trousers - and that’s before we even come to his metre long plait (not a euphemism) which he whips and swings to gay abandon.  Nor should we get too focused on the slightly tired disco dancing, like he’d spent all his energy clubbing in the early hours, downing blue WKDs and 'meeting' his fans (surely not when there’s a show to rest for).  No, no, the true beauty of this number is the poetry of the lyrics.  Who has 'ere written of love so touchingly?  Hush, listen, just let me quote: 

Wet dreams, wild nightmares, I surrender 

Come into me from within

We can be as one in the sin

Be my Bonnie, we’ll mix and match with Clyde

I know.  It just…. I know.

Did they make it?  EUROPE HAS BEEN DENIED.

Are we surprised? APPALLED MORE LIKE IT.

Finland

Inoffensive and perfectly well sung (whaa!) country-style ballady thing, performed by blonde lady standing stock still whilst her man-friend plays a piano on fire.  It was all a bit non – even the piano smoke was just a few wisps eking out of the grand’s lid rather than the full on bonfire we’ve come to expect as standard.  It's a long way since Hard Rock Hallelujah.  The Finnish HSE must have quite the influence.

Did they make it?  Nope.

Are we surprised?  Nope.

Azerbaijan

Think a Beautiful Mind meets Test Card F, if the little girl playing noughts and crosses with that demonic clown doll was an Azeri emo-ette with black lippy and boot polish smeared in her hair, and the demonic clown doll was a grown man on a stepladder inexplicably wearing a horse’s head.  Because OF COURSE.  It’s experimental Brechtian Am Dram at its worst, only in a Eurovision musical number, so completely amazing.  (Sort of.)

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Shouldn't have been - the power of the gimmick.  Props for the props.

Portugal

Perennial losers Portugal – 49 entries, 0 wins.  It’s because they always insist on a solitary singer wailing on in Portuguese, whilst the rest of Europe has gone all flash, bang, wallop, check out my treadmill / horse head / bridal wear / Australianness.  But this year, all that could change – turns out the low key approach works when the solitary singer boring on in Portuguese is a large chinned, gangly chap with messy hair don’t care and a mime artist vibe.  Don’t get me wrong, it was fairly boring – but coming after chalk’n’horse, it seemed naively charming.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Yes, in a way – but going against the tide can work sometimes.

Greece

Thank Gawd for Greece in Eurovision – I was starting to feel snoozesome, and then the beatz getz droppedz.  

Her: a young popstrel in sequinned pants under Angelina Jolie leg dress.  

Him: two backing dancers in white Bermuda tights, homo-erotically playing/dancing in a paddling pool.  

Never change, Greece, never change...

Did they make it?  Thankfully.

Are we surprised?  Greek gal and her legs sing high NRG pop anthem? Eurovision catnip.

Poland

Polish lady with pipes (and 'pipes'), in little more than a Wonderbra made of bandages.  The wind machine is set to gale force and the violinist is set to 'bit too old and ugly to be allowed in the foreground'.  Not my bag, but she really could sing.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  A Polish woman’s boobs and any old tat of a song?  Eurovision catnip.

Moldova

Hey Montenegro, you know you thought a metre-long hair accessory and a reference to semen was the hook Europe would gun for?  Well, that was before Europe got introduced to three backing singers dressed in floppy hats, puff-ball skirts that transform into wedding dresses, and microphone holders made of plastic bouquets.  Oh and an old guy playing a sax and doing the running man with an infectious joie de vivre.  It’s all a bit noughties vintage, but in a not-at-all-depressing-that-the-noughties-were-that-long-ago kind of way.

Did they make it?  YES!

Are we surprised?  Happily stunned, if I’m honest.

Iceland

If Mattel did a pop star line, this is how they'd design Bjork Barbie - a hint of Icelandic musical kook, but packaged in a skinny blonde with apple cheek bones and drawn on facial expressions botoxed to submission.  The gravity-defying Barbie breasts were there too, pneumatically hoiked to rival Poland, encased in a white PVC catsuit and adorned with a 'here's where my third boob would go' tattoo. 

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Unlike Europe, I liked this Scandilectro number. *sad face*

Czech Republic

Haiiii peach-tinged gold lamé kimono tracksuit, slit to the navel with five tassel strands!  Now take that image, and tell me what song style that conjures up?  Did you go for slow, emotive, indie-tinged, string and tambourine-backed mild pop?  Then, correct!

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised? Not even slightly.

Cyprus

It’s not often that contemporary dance involves literal moves - I particularly enjoyed how they took turns to lean on each other, whilst singing about, yes, leaning, obviously.  Other moments of choreographic genius include a human centipede style line-up, where they all hold on to the one in front's ankles, and a recreation of that Trust Game where you close your eyes, fall back, and hope to Goddess Conchita you’ll not be dropped by a backing dancer too busy making eyes at a crowd full of Eurogays.

Did they make it?  Yup.  And hooray that both Greece and Cyprus will be present to exchange the customary douze points.

Are we surprised?  Nah.

Armenia

Main influences: Bollywood, Goths, instructional YouTube videos about hair plaiting, smoke machines, and that sliver jewellery stall in Camden Market which hasn’t changed its merchandise since the 1990s.

Did they make it?  Yes.

Are we surprised?  Hugely.

Solvenia

Disney would reject this as way too cheesy/saccharine.  There’s a moment where shiny suited singer Omar pouts and beckons at the camera.  I was sick in my mouth.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Just glad I don’t have to relive that beckoning moment ever again.

Latvia

Last one!  You thought it was safe to relax, then Latvia appear dressed as a Supermarket Sweep dash though the poundshop, manically buying anything which reminds them of Katy Perry channelling noughties Gwen Stefani.  It’s all hair bunches, neon and cheap-ass silver lady-waders.  Please don’t make me describe the music.

Did they make it?  No.

Are we surprised?  Helloooo?

And there we have it.  I’m exhausted. But we’re not done yet, you fools!  There follows the ever unbearable attempts from the local hosts to interview the Big Five - highlights include asking Spain “What sort of things have you done for your lovers?” and Italy taking the chance to talk about Desmond Morris; the Italian pronunciation of “naked apes” and “famous entomologist” are my new ringtone.  (Get booking for Rome 2018 guys.)

Also, Jamala sings the entirely apolitical jolly song about Crimean deportation she won with last year, then performs her new single dressed in a tepee with primary coloured fringing (apols for insulting national dress, as I have surely just done, but dudes...).  She spends most of the song vigorously shaking the tassels and it should be ridiculous (and is obvz), but she’s somehow cool enough to get away with it.

I think it's safe to say it now - we're done, peeps!  Yaaaaaay!!!!

So, to recap, on to the final go:

Sweden (Smug at gym)

Oz (Brows)

Belgium (don’t make me brush my hair MUM)

Azerbaijan (Blackboard)

Portugal (Gangly chin)

Greece (water troughs)

Poland (boob bandage)

Moldova (saxy brides)

Cyprus (literal dance)

Armenia (silver and lady plaits)

Ready to do it all again Thursday?  There’s to be yodelling.  Oh yes.  See you then.

@strictlycad