‘Is It True’ by Yohanna (Iceland 2009)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

 

Let's get ready to ruffle

2009 was a sterling year, really – as well as Anti-Crisis Girl Svetlana, we also saw Greek Eurovision stalwart Sakis Rouvas pelvic thrusting on a giant stapler, and, of course, sexy Norwegian fiddler Alexander Rybek, zooming to victory with his Fairytail violin riff - which remains firmly embedded Europe’s collective ears.  Alex absolutely smashed the scoring in Moscow, accumulating 387 points (trois cent quatre-vingt-sept points), miles away from his nearest rival, Iceland’s Yohanna, who came in second with 218 points (deux cent dix-huit points).  But I still LOVE this Icelandic entry, even though it is... *deep breath*... a ballad.  Yep, I'll admit it, sometimes (rarely), the slow ones get me too, and 'Is It True?' still tugs at my sentimental old heart strings. 

 

Probably, what gets me is the full-blown and utterly shameless Disneyisation going on (when it comes to cycnism, the Lion King is my Achilles Heel).   It's just complete chocolate box from start to end and has no desire whatsoever to reach for any grit or edge.  And it works - I’m sure little girls Europe-wide took one look at Yohanna’s outfit and were up and ready to eschew feminism, pull pigtails and kick shins with patent shoes to get their hands on a blue satin ballgown with sequin ornamental detail and ruffle galore.  And Yohanna’s so PREEETY.  And her lip gloss is so PERFECT.  And her hair is so SHINY.  *sigh*

 

Any other year, without the Rybek juggernaut, we’d have found ourselves heading to Reykjavik for a geyser old time - sure, Norway was a worthy winner, but we missed out on Bjork, dressed as an arctic fox, blowing up a volcano as the part-time entertainment.  Just think on that.

 

 

'Be My Valentine! (Anti-crisis Girl)' by Svetlana Loboda (Ukraine 2009)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

Anyone seen my Spartan?

Oh my God, I just LOVE this performance.   If you've not seen it before, then sit down and prepare yourself.  For what?  Well, for a supremely lithe cougar, all pout and no trousers, singing 'you're a sexy bom bom', whilst heavy breathing, gyrating in a giant hamster wheel, dry-humping centurions in their pants, flashing her own sequined knickers, which, incidentally, match her sequined thigh highs, and, well, generally giving it her absolute MILFy all.  And just when you don't think it can get anymore OTT, you notice it's beehived drag queens on stilts who are singing back-up and la Cougar has started bashing out a drum solo surrounded by Ukrainian flags, on a mini stage which the Spartans are dragging across the floor, as fire blazes in the background, Wonderbra still firmly in place.  She even has the energy to thank the crowd with a terrifying death stare and a subtext that screams 'VOTE FOR ME OR I VILL KILL YOU'.

It's AMAZING. It's KNACKERING. It was bloody robbed!

Annnnnnnnnd...

...WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

‘My Number One’ by Helena Paparizou (Greece 2005)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

Even in worrying times of financial austerity, Greece know how to bring it to Eurovision (OPA!), but thankfully they snuck in a win before everyone began worrying about the morality/necessity of paying tax and the affordability of hosting a high-profile international musical extravaganza. 

 

"You’re Delicious. So Capricious.
If I find out you don’t want me,
I’ll be vicious."

Sure, My Number 1 is Greek Eurovision by numbers - like, that’s a bad thing! – but when the hallmarks are tired and tested, long may they reign. 

To recap:
-  Sexy Greek lady with big voice & figure-skating outfit: check.

-  Dancing Adonii with open shirts & freshly waxed torsos: check.

- Ethno-pop instrumental break encompassing:

  (a) Big Fat Greek Wedding line dancing: check.

  (b) a giant lute made of naked man and some ribbons: check. 


And of course, the ultimate high point - cue photo - recreating the song title through the power of floor mime!

(Frankly, every performance should involve four men forced to lie down in the shape of a 1 by a scary diva with a silver cane.)

Greece mustn’t win for a while, obviously, but if they lose their rightful place in the final, receiving 12 points from Cyprus, all hell will break loose, led by Helena Paparizou herself.  And I, people, will join that charge.

'Wild Dances' by Ruslana (Ukraine 2004)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites



Whips at the ready, boys.

My my Ruslana, what PIPES you have – by which I refer to both her impressive yodels and her musicians’ very long instruments.  Ahem.  As for the rest, well... Whips!   Furs!  Leather bikinis!  And, of course, TOTAL CHOON.  Quite simply, a masterclass in what modern Eurovision should be offering up, year in, year out.  (The fact that Terry sounds unconvinced just reinforces that – though he admits he's only just started drinking, so...)

 

It is of no importance that most of the lyrics make no discernible sense to either English or (I assume) Ukrainian speakers - what counts is that the whole of Europe can manage "dine-ah, dine-ah mumble mumble LOVE, dine-ah, dine-ah mumble mumble CHANCES", whilst stamping and headbanging.  Course, no-one stamps or bangs more expertly than Ruslana herself, all leather-chainmail chic and Kiev’s glossiest hair.  No wonder it won.  And no wonder Olympic gold medallist Jordyn Wieber used it for her gymnastics floor routine.  (Gymnastics to Eurovision?!?  I KNOW.)

 

It’s just a brilliant, brilliant dance number and – until Loreen appeared – my all-time fav.  GO GO GO WILD DANCES!

 

Riverdance - Interval act (Dublin 1994)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

My blouse, how it billows.

No wonder Europe wanted Ireland to host it again in '95 – no-one has ever bettered this for half-time impact (not even Jan Delay, Düsseldorf 2011, whose mighty performance caused me to APPEAR ON THE TELLY – don't worry, that's totes getting its own blog post). Sure, Michael Flatley's mullet and satin blouse may appear (and indeed are) utterly ludicrous, but such was the power of Riverdance that, back then, the ridiculous sheen of blouse and blond were eclipsed by the proper amazing amazingness of the whole Riverdance performance. Yes, multiple flailing legs and a man/woman tap dance-off really can be that good. As impressive as the dancing was, it was Bill Whelan's music wot really cranked this up for me – such a CHOON. Almost as good as My Lovely Horse.

I just shed a little tear re-watching it, but I am slightly hungover. 

O'Mazeballs.

'Lonely Symphony (We Will Be Free)' by Frances Ruffelle (UK 1994)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites

"And we will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee etc"

The UK songs rarely do it for me and the live performance was a little underwhelming for a blimmin' TONY winner, but here's a special mention for my favourite UK entry to date (sorry Scooch).  It's just a genuinely cracking pop song – clearly too sophij for Eurovij; tenth was a pretty terrible result for the UK at the time.  More importantly, I clearly remember craving Frances' slinky goth dress – maroon velvet was the effing bomb in the mid nineties – and I'm sure that her twisted coat-hanger crown was also on my list.  Obviously, I would have pared that outfit with some battered old Doc Martins. *nineties swoon*

It's also a classic example of how they used to make the singers appear in the preview vid (they SO should bring that back) and how, hosting the second time in a row, Irish TV were already running out of things to feature about the Emerald Isle – and they still had another year to go.  HA!

Anyway, enjoy - even though you'll have "and we will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" running in your head all day now.  ALL DAY.

'La chica que yo quiero (Made in Spain)' by La Decada Prodigiosa (Spain 1988)

Countdown to Eurovision 2013: my all-time favourites.

Puffball envy

Dublin 88.  Dion's year.  I was 9.  But it wasn't Celine's chef's tux and puffball that won it for me (mind you, what a voice! And what teeth...), but this here Spanish entry - following the tried, tested and ever continued Spanish tradition of utterly ignoring what the rest of Europe might be doing/want to hear in favour of a jangly Spanish summer pop number performed by the most Spanish looking people it is physically possible to find.   In 1988, they went Spanish Abba, and chico, did it work for me. Days after the contest, I was still rewinding and re-watching the video, over and over and over again, merrily performing my 'own' dance routine (i.e. totally copied off the telly) and joining in with the brief English bit - complete with cod Spanish accent: “the girl that I love, willhhh be MADE IN ESPAIN!”

Listening back, the whole thing is - of course - dire.  But who can deny the everlasting power of double puffball skirt and giant-fan-o-graphy? 

Fantastico.