Buonasera signore e signori, to quote those impossibly beautiful glam rock creatures, Måneskin, who brought it home to Italy in gender-neutral Gucci rock attire. (The first winners to include someone born a year into this millennium, which is a bit eye-watering isn’t it?) The Italians have been shaping up to be a Eurovision force these last few years, trying out claps in rap, testosterone opera and monkey outfits, so it was nice to see the bambinos win last year, bringing sexy back in mum blouses and pleather waders. We got a brief nod to their rockness, but in a Victoria’s Secret kind of way, as a patent-leather clad model mimed some guitar-playing, with a bit too much emphasis on wrist shaking the selector switch to suggest her talents were musical. We’ll see Måneskin in the final though – they’re way too big for a lowly semi-final and deserve a full audience to match their global fame and unparalleled beauty. I hear they’re even getting to play some new material (no, come back!)
So
let’s get to it instead with tonight’s entrants.
It’s a strong opening set – no loo breaks til song 4 my friends. But spoilerz:
the results of this year’s first semi are utterly nonsensical and will be analysed
with incredulity for years to come. Strap
in pop fiends.
1.
Albania
Ronela
Hajati - "Sekret"
Ronela,
you absolute yasss qween. The look is heyday Madonna in full Jean Paul, with a Boohoo
twist. Gone are the haute couture pointy boobs and protein shake sinewed arms. Instead we get some studier but
softer thighs, a leotard high-cut to the point of yeast infection, considerably
less supportive (or conical) bra action, and one of those white nightdress
chemises that waft around screaming flammability and retention of body odours. Song-wise, it’s a lot more “EUROPE MAKE SOME
NOISE” than ASMR-ing a list of Hollywood icons, but the staging retains Blonde
Ambition’s sexual aggression/fluidity, half naked male and female dancers, and
heavily crotch-based choreography, with a terrifying horny matriarch at the
helm. I don’t remember Madge
helicoptering her high pony though.
Did this make
it? Europe you crazy. You crazy, boy. Somehow no, this did not make it.
Are we
surprised? We are aghast! We are
agog!
2.
Latvia
Citi
Zēni - "Eat Your Salad"
The
lyrics had to be censored for Eurovision, but don’t worry the crowd kindly completed
the opening line of “Instead of meat, I eat veggies…”
(…AND
PUSSY!)
Yes, yes, you
read that right. Instead of meat, he eats veggies and pussy - and you
can tell from that line that this is ACTUALLY a Very Important Song with a Very
Important Message: the significance of vegetarianism to the survival of the
planet and the combat against global warming. Sounds awful? INCORRECT! This is immense. Time
for Extinction Rebellion to ditch the glue and package up (recyclable
obviously) their environmental warnings in a genuinely catchy pop-funk track
from six jolly young men in colourful suits, chock full of sex puns about bags
for life, whilst pelvic thrusting their instruments (musical). Who’s
gonna argue with climate activism in the form of a medallion-wearing Latvian
Beegee, in a red jacket slashed to the navel, singing “Bend over, then jiggle
that peach / You're recycling while I'm loving those cheeks”.
Did this make it? It… I… It… Words fail me. I’m not sure I can say it out loud. No.
[Moment
of silence.] No, it did not.
Are we
surprised? I DEMAND A RECOUNT
3.
Lithuania
Monika Liu - "Sentimentai"
The second outing of a proper seventies look; Monika is sporting the most pristine bowl cut seen
since Joanna Lumley’s Purdey days. This is Portishead does low key Baltic disco
lounge, with a glitterball dress of dreams and a very classy Sally Bowles vibe.
In Lithuanian.
Did this make
it? It did!
Are we
surprised? Happily.
4.
Switzerland
Marius Bear -"Boys Do Cry"
Urgh.
I could just about cope with last year’s portly Swiss sad boy whining on, because
it was engagingly strange and in French and actually not a terrible song.
But this, no thanks. Marius Bear’s
voice is not uninteresting, but this song is dreck and dirge, droning on and
on, with no quirk whatsoever to temper the overwhelming dullness. It's like when you’re a kid and it’s not quite
time for something you’re desperate to do and the minutes tick by interminably
slowly and it’s almost painful how you’re having to wait so long for it to be over. This is that, in song form.
Did this make
it? Brace, brace. We're going to have to suffer this again in
the final.
Are we
surprised? Neutral my arse, they deffo stuck some cuckoo
clocks the jury way.
5.
Slovenia
LPS
- "Disko"
These kiddos are so young that retro-dressing seventies-style in velvet disco suits with silky scarf bows (as they are) must feel to them like that time me and my school mates went on a class trip to a big pit somewhere in Wales and got to wear Victorian dress (it’s possible I’m confusing several trips here as that’s how long ago it was – though not, crucially, during the seventies). I’ll say this for LPS though – I didn’t have the focus at their age to put together a band and write a perfunctory if driving disco number with interesting random electronic sounds interspersed and a weird slo-mo interlude. Anyway whilst these actual school children are very sweet and accomplished and this would be lovely at Ljubljana Valley High prom, I'm afraid my Eurovision disco now either needs to be accompanied by a Lithuanian Liza Minelli, or a bunch of Latvian lads making sexual references about broccoli.
Did this make
it? Back home in time for bedtime and A-Levels
Are we
surprised? After Switzerland triumphed and Latvia fell, I honestly have no way
of calibrating anything now. What is “music”? What is “song contest”?
6.
Ukraine
Kalush
Orchestra - "Stefania" (Стефанія)
An
ode to mothers featuring:
-
fast paced Ukrainian rapping
-
highly catchy flute riff
-
hip hop dance circle
-
traditional dress (including:)
- asymmetric shoulder cape to enable flute playing and mic holding
- rug smock overcoat styled with that shoulder bag you can only buy at festivals
- lovely Converse trainers
- paisley patterned full face mask
- sunglasses
-
and matching paisley shellsuit
-
2 x multi-coloured floor length man gowns inspired by the dreadlocks of the puli
dog
-
1 x double bass
- beautiful embroidered waistcoat
- hot pink angora bucket hat
I
can say now without the slightest hesitation, I would way prefer any of the above as
a mum gift over smelly sets and candles. A tribute indeed.
Oh Ukraine. My heart breaks for you. Every single day I think about Ruslana and Verka and Ani and Svetlana and Zlata and Jamala and Maruv and Kateryna, and all the others who joined them on stage or got them there and made me love Ukrainian Eurovision over pretty much all other European nations. And I think about their families and their friends and the friends of their friends and the rest of this incredible nation, staying to fight or having to go. I just can't even.
Obviously this has to win. What else could?
But even if they weren’t dealing with a horrific war imposed on them, this would be a Eurovision triumph - look back at that list! I legit love this song too. All the bravos. Courage Ukraine. Fuck Putin
Did this make
it? Hard to see how this isn’t topping the public vote at every turn.
Are we
surprised? UKRAINE. FOR. THE. WIN.
7.
Bulgaria
Intelligent
Music Project – "Intention”
Dave
Grohl if he’d clicked on the programmatic ads for the Curly Girl Method. I've heard worse eighties rock pop, but Intelligent
Music Project don’t have the chops for this.
Send it to Kenny Loggins or Billy Idol and we’ll talk.
Did this make
it? Nope.
Are we
surprised? Nope.
8.
Netherlands
S10
- "De diepte"
I was all set to yawn and eye roll, but this was very enjoyable sophisto melancholy girl pop. S10 (which isn't a name, what is that, a Star Wars robot barcode), who could not look more Dutch by the way (maybe she*is* a robot) was nervous and hesitant but I’d probably feel a little chilly and exposed in a ringmaster jacket belly top and low slung slacks. Anyway, she did extremely well, so well done to her programmers.
Did this make
it? Ja.
Are we
surprised? Maybe a little, but pleasantly so.
9.
Moldova
Zdob
și Zdub and Advahov Brothers – "Trenulețul"
What a Eurovision nation Moldova are – a constant outright refusal to abide by the laws of decorum or musicality. And never do they disappoint. This year? This year we’ve got men in their fifties doing a hoedown remix of We Didn’t The Start The Fire and Dancing Lasha Tumbai, fronted by Googlebox-age Bez meets Angus Young of ACDC, in netball skirt mirkin and red ceremonial samurai jacket. BezCDC's mates are violin and accordion players in geometric cow skin suits looking well delighted with life, and three conventionally dressed session musicians just wearing whatever they had on when they turned up to provide the backing for the main barn dance riff… Oh hang on, nope, I’ve just managed a closer look and those normal-looking jeans have vertical stripes and diamond patterns and there’s more than one ski hat in sight. NEVER CHANGE MOLDOVA.
Did this make
it? Checks notes – erm, yes??!
Are we
surprised? Moldova are why you watch the semi finals, because this kind of
nonsense doesn’t usually get through. Saturday
fans, you’re in for a treat.
10.
Portugal
Maro
- "Saudade, saudade"
Another nation who resolutely do their own thing year after year; namely sad mournful ballads which generally get lost in the maelstrom, apart from the year Salvador landed like a calming, refreshing port in the storm and brought home a win 50 years after the Portuguese debut. 2021's sad mournful is brought by six female twenty-somethings, in lilac silk pyjamas, singing to each other in a circle, with no apparent interest in the crowd or the competition, obsessed solely with each other. It’s very cult slash you can’t sit with us, but with wafting smoke machine around the ankles setting, rather than a weird modern temple or Mean Girls cafeteria. And probably these girls aren’t the queen bees in residence, but the far cooler lot with no interest in social standing who sit apart from the usual teen dynamics. The kids will see us alright I think.
Did this make
it? It did!
Are we
surprised? Unsure. I really fell for its charm, but I do also refer you back
to sex-vegetables-gate.
11.
Croatia
Mia
Dimšić -"Guilty Pleasure"
Catchy
pop ditty, fronted by Croatian lovely in sexy ‘mother of the bride’-wear –
pink taffeta cut to here and here - accompanied by a brief strum on an acoustic
guitar and the kind of contempo-waft dance routine Strictly regularly trots out
and calls Couple’s Choice.
Did this make
it? No.
Are we
surprised? I guess not, but it was nice enough.
12.
Denmark
Reddi
- "The Show"
Another
outing for a band in flared velvet suits, so seventies grab deffo constitutes a 2022 theme –
tick. It takes some audacity to be a
girl group and do a song called The Show and whilst it's not scaling Girls Aloud heights and is certainly missing some
Xenomania influence, it’s a good enough slice of punk pop. Finally a key change too.
Did this make
it? No.
Are we
surprised? Not really, but also not not really.
13.
Austria
Lumix
feat. Pia Maria "Halo" –
English
We’ve been watching old episodes of Top of The Pops (on BBC4 dears #culture) and it’s been a delightful trip to the time of mainstream rave and hardcore. My takeout - having been a smidge too young the first time, eyethankyew - is that 99% of rave is utter dogshit, but then you get one-off stone cold crackers, from bands with names like Oceanic and N-Trance, which transcend all genres and still sound amazing. This Austrian rave-lite attempt, thirty years later, has all the hallmarks for success – lady screeching, red bunches and platform boots, stobes-a-go-go, Sleeper-bloke DJ hitting things that are probably decks, and much banging of beat. But I’m sad to report it just doesn’t hit that 1%. It’s not helped by an iffy performance either, but fair play to the 17 and 18 year old fronting things, even if they are no Baby D.
Did this make
it? Nein.
Are we
surprised? Nein.
14.
Iceland
Systur
-"Með hækkandi sól"
Welcome
to the big hair, fancy waistcoats and light tan boots branch of the Eurovij seventies revival. Clearly these women are highly talented musicians
and their ethereal harmonic country-tinged offering is a slick performance. They're clearly not used to needing more than the music, but this is
Eurovision, so songs and singing alone won’t fly. HAHAHA, IMAGINE? So I guess that’s why there’s a sort of attempt at a minimal dance routine, based around intense glassy-eyed stares, fresh veneers
gleaming, and an occasionally pointing of their guitars in the same direction
whilst looking full Stepford Muso down the camera. I admire the effort, but it's very disconcerting.
Did this make
it? Ja ja ding dong.
Are we
surprised? Something that might end up the theme tune to a grizzly Icelandic murder drama on Walter Presents isn't an immediately obvious slam dunk to the final, but quality and quirk usually finds a way.
15.
Greece
Amanda
Georgiadi Tenfjord - "Die Together"
At first I was all: excellent, business as usual, lithe young thing, lovely white dress, wind machine, random wasteland of chairs... oh hang on, but ok... And then the music started and I was all: NO GREECE NO WHAT IS THIS NO NO NO I DEMAND AN UPTEMPO BANGER NO WHO IS SHE WHO IS SHE NO NO NO STICK A BEAT ON IT IMMEDIATELY NO THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE NO WHERE IS THE MANAGER NO. And then I decided it was actually quite good, actually quite cool gloom pop, and I was also appeased by the pretend silent contract I’ve made with the Greek delegation for a 2023 bop or else.
Did this make
it? Yes.
Are we
surprised? Nah.
16.
Norway
Subwoolfer
- "Give That Wolf a Banana"
AKA
where the UK’s douze points would have gone any other year (#Ukraine), with Norway bringing the twin prizes of 'nuts
concept' and 'solid banger'. I just can't see how the UK wouldn't go all in for grown adults in yellow spandex wolf masks and men-in-black suits singing
a bonkers song about naming animals Keith and protecting grandmothers with fruit,
whilst a spaceman DJs above them in a floating hot pot. The only thing that would steal the douze is busty milkmaids and it's a thin year for butter churning. Lyrically the song seems to be from both the perspective of the hunter and the victim,
but I’m not sure that applying logic is the right approach here.
Did this make
it? That wolf is one step closer to a banana feast.
Are we
surprised? We really aren’t.
17.
Armenia
Rosa Linn -"Snap"
So
Rosa has papered the walls of her bedroom with loo roll, Beautiful Mind style,
and is sitting on her bed strumming a guitar which somehow – somehow – manages to
self-strum when she puts it down her bed, as how else can you explain the music
not changing whatsoever, HUH? She spends
the performance ripping bog roll away from the walls to reveal inspirational Instagram
slogans and it’s all unspeakably nothing until the moment she nearly fails to rip
a section off and has to go in for a second attempt. It’s beige across the board including the safari suit she’s
wearing, which is that that shade of nude all over Fast Fashion TikTok which just
doesn’t look like a real colour to those of us in our later decades.
Did this make
it? Sorry, what? This went
through, you say? Sorry, what? SORRY WHAT?
Are we surprised? This inoffensive beigeness made it BUT WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY SMUTTY SALAD ARE YOU F***[redacted]
Still fuming to be honest.
But that your lot. And what a mixed bag. At least Ukraine are through.
I’m knackered though now. Rest up for tonight and see you then.
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